Disclaimer: This is fanfiction only. No money is being made whatsoever, I just love Queer as Folk. Characters are out of character (except Craig) and Brian is a little younger.

An extra visual, if you so desire with a bit of Bruce Lee action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIFIR_Zj5YY

EPILOGUE:

PARENTS

Or

MORE KUNG FU-OOLERY

Part 2

Six months later:

The king was in his counting house counting out his money.

His desk was covered in high towers of golden coins. Suddenly there was a huge explosion and the earth shook. All the towers of his money collapsed and his desk was covered with a pile of money that he was going to have to count all over again.

"Curses!" yelled King Craig, "What's going on out there?"

He ran out of his counting house into the main square of his palace and his face dropped in horror. His thousand mechanical man army stood there in long and even rows, and there was a young blond man out there beside a destroyed soldier. As he watched the blond man kicked out viciously and another soldier rattled and shook and then exploded.

"Ahhhhh!!" the young man said, "I thought so!" And he kicked a third one and destroyed it.

"HEY! What do you think you're doing! Cut that out! Who do you think you are, anyway??"

The young man turned to face him. King Craig blanched. No! It couldn't be!!

"What's the matter DAD!?" Justin spoke the name with utmost contempt, "Don't recognize your own son without gills?"
"I - I don't know what you're talking about," King Craig said prissily.

"Oh, cut the crap, Craig!" Justin spoke the name with loathing, "I remember you being in my room! I remember the witch! I remember every...single...minute of six years being a frog! Well, now I'm back! And I'm here to TAKE...YOU...DOWN!!" With each of the last three words, Justin kicked a mechanical man in the weak spot and there were three terrific explosions.

"NO! No! Stop! Please stop! OK, look Justin, I'm sorry OK. I just had to...to do something! I couldn't let your perversion infect the rest the kingdom! Besides, you're back now! I guess you came to your senses and found a princess to help you! Now you can come home...and help me. I'm about to conquer the neighboring valley. That's what all the robots are for. So please stop kicking them...there. "Craig's face twisted in distaste.

"Wow! There is not a single thing in that statement that is not fucked up! So I'm going to lay it out for you Craig! I'm gay! Granted, it's different than what you are, but it's not a perversion! It's who I am. It can't be infected! Thankfully, your little spell didn't care about gender as long as they were royal. I found a PRINCE in the neighboring kingdom who managed to break your spell. Six months ago. Last Spring when the daffodils were growing and the days were cool but warming. When the cherry blossoms grew, I found Brian. He overcame your curse and broke it. We're married now. Just like I dreamed. Married to a guy and luvvv-ing it!" he said with emphasis to twist the knife. "He and his family are my family now! So why would I help you to invade them. On the contrary....Crazy Craig...I'm here to destroy YOU!"

"Destroy ME! You insolent brat! You think you can wander in here all by yourself and threaten me? I don't think so. GUARRRRRDDSS!!" he screamed.

Nothing happened.

"GUUUAAAAAARRRRDDDS!!!!!" Craig screamed a little louder.

Still nothing happened.

"As I said...my husband broke the spell six months ago," continued Justin, talking in a weird sort of tone, the way one might converse at a polite tea party, "Aren't you curious why I waited to come until now? Oh excuse me..." He nonchalantly kicked a robot in the weak spot. It exploded with a great noise.

"Justin...No! Uhhh...ok! ok! Why wait six months?"

"Do you remember those kung fu lessons you started me on when I was 12? Well, I didn't. And while I was a frog I kept up my training," Justin kept coming and coming and his eyes were eerily hypnotic. Craig was afraid and backed away a bit.

Justin chose a spot and jumped and kicked, doing the splits in midair. He took out a man with each foot. "HEEE-YAHHH!!"

Craig gulped.

"In the last six months I've done a little training of my own. Of course, my pupils are nowhere as good as I am but they worked hard every day and I'm proud of them. And as new as they are...they are still very good!" Justin stuck two fingers in his mouth and blew a long, piercing, loud whistle. "You can come in now, honey!" he called.

A tall and handsome brown haired man entered by the front gate. He was dressed in fine, but light, red linen and wore his ruby crown, the same one he wore when he'd met Justin. He'd obviously been waiting there the whole time, waiting until Justin was finished with being alone with Craig.

"Hi sexy britches! Ummm...so where do I....?"

"Oh, right where I thought! Right where I told you!"

Brian continued up a row of robots. "Oh OK! Thanks!" He nearly reached them when he stopped.

"Mehhh, this is as good a place as any!" Without warning he jumped and kicked, doing the spits in midair. "HEEEE-YAHHH!!"

KAAABLAAAMMMOOO!!!!!!! And there went two more robots to that big mechanical gearwheel in the sky.

Craig's face went red as a beet but he saw where this was going. Justin had trained this bozo and now they thought they were going to break all his toys Think again.

"GUARRDDS!!!" he yelled again. Again there was nothing but eerie silence. Where were they?"

Brian reached Justin and drew him into his arm. He bent him back into a deep dip and kissed him soundly. "Hey there sugar lips! How long were you going to keep me waiting? How long has it been since we kissed?"

"Mmmmmm......" Justin was still recovering from the kiss, "Hours?"

"Too long!!" And Brian bent him back and tongue fucked him thoroughly.

"Do you mind!?" yelled Craig bitchily.

"Not at all! We do this quite regularly," said Brian.

"Don't forget frequently! Very frequently!" Justin added, pulling Brian in for another long round.

Craig just stood there tapping his foot and looking at his watch as if he were waiting for a train. And this was very odd because neither of those things had been invented yet.

At last they came up for air. Justin looked a little fogged. "Hmmm?? Whaa? Where was I?"

Craig sneered. "You came to show me your boytoy and break some of my mine! Hate to break it to you, but you two can't break them all before my soldiers get here and when they do, I'll lock you so far from the sun, you won't be able tell if your head is up each other's asses or not!"

"Wrong! We came to perform your own sentence upon you! You are coming back to our kingdom, not as king but prisoner, willing or not and it is you who shall be imprisoned for your many crimes starting with the ones you performed on your only son!" intoned Brian. "We just broke a few army men to get your attention! Right hon?"

"Right hon!" answered Justin, giving him a peck.

"Yahhhhh! Enough of this! Taste remote controlled death, BITCHES!!!" Craig pulled a black box out of his pocket and pressed a large red central button.

At that, the remaining 989 mechanical army men came to life and all converged on our heroes, pulled swords out of their sides and started to get stabby and slashy.

Brian and Justin easily blocked and avoided these monsters but the sheer numbers were going to cause them trouble. They needed help.

"Now?" asked Brian.

"NOW!!" yelled Justin joyfully.

And with that, they both stuck two fingers in their mouths and two long, loud, piercing whistles rent the air.

Along the top of the wall rose a line of men and women, all along the courtyard, who had been waiting there the whole time. Craig realized this is why his own guards weren't answering. They had been already captured hours ago. Most of them were probably dead.

"Take them out like I showed you, Brothers and Sisters!" Justin yelled. "I knew he was so afraid of sex as a dirty term that he'd never fortify them down there! Arrow them! Axe them, whatever! To destroy them....kick them in the CROTCH! And he did so with jumped joy to demonstrate.

The soldiers along the battlements whooped and began to do so with great joy! Arrows and flaming arrows flew down mechanized death like fiery rain. Moreover, a bunch of people ran in the front and began to engage them. They were dressed like simple farmer folk and carried torches and pitchforks and plowshares and rakes. Holy Shit! Craig realized they were farm folk!

And then...The farmers all began to battle cry HEEEE-YAAAH s and other wilder, fiercer ululations. And all the farmers began to jump and flip...and kick...and then all the soldiers cheered and just...jumped straight down into the courtyard and the farmers caught them and....

"Oh Hell!" said Craig.

...and the soldiers began to jump and flip and next moment the courtyard was pandemonium and complete confusion, filled with men and women flipping and jumping and flying through the air kung fu style. And of course, explosion after explosion rocked the space as one by one all the army men were destroyed.

"Oh Hell!" whimpered Craig.

"Oh, you can say that again!" said Brian, who was suddenly in his face, "Because now it's your turn! You see, I've been your son's most diligent and prize pupil, working with him each...and every...day...for six months for this express purpose....To live for THIS DAY! HEEEEE-YAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Brian yelled and snapped into his fighting stance. Justin was already there.

"YYYYAHHHHHHHHHGGGHH!!!" Craig screamed his own call of pure fear and ran for his life.

Of course, he didn't make it more than 6 feet before both Brian and Justin were upon him.

** ** **

Well, I'd love to tell you about how Brian and Justin kung fu whipped Craig within an inch of his life. I'd love to tell you in great detail about each flip and jump and kick and chop and about each and every bruise and scar he received and the magnificent colors they were from red to the most interesting shade of plum. About each and every tooth he lost.

I'd love to tell you how they clapped him in irons and dragged him off to a caged cart for transport home.

I'd love to tell you that they plundered all the gold and jewels they could find and set his palace ablaze and offered the subjects a tax rebate if they went willingly back to the Happy Valley in exile. Most of them took them up on it. Craig's mechanized kingdom was not a very happy place to live.

Oh wait. That's not so bad. OK I can tell you that.

Well, I do wish I could tell you how Craig was carted back to the Happy Valley in disgrace and how he was thrown into the deepest, darkest dungeon they had. It was an oubliette, if fact, which is a dungeon cell whose door is a trapdoor in the dungeon floor. That is, the cell's ceiling.

And I wish I could tell you that they left him to the devices of the prison keepers and otherwise forgot about him and lived the rest of their days in riches, peace and happiness. Ever after.

Well...I wish I could. But this is a Springtime, Happiness, Super Funtime Story and I'm afraid it'd be against the rules.

So you'll just have to use your imagination.

THE END

End Notes: OK, well there you have it! My take on Spring Fever Madness! Why Kung Fu? Why not? Plus the fact that I spent last week addicted to catching up with the Kung Fu Panda series and something in there must have stuck up my warped brain. So did this make the story: Stupid? Wild? Crazy? Dumb? Funny? I(I hope the latter) Well, maybe. All I know is I haven't had this much fun writing something since Merman. And that was creeping up on 4 years ago.