Chapter 12

Over the next couple of days, Brian went and visited Justin twice more. He still hadn't told Justin about his feelings and he wasn't sure if he should.

It had been clear that Justin was grateful for Brian's help and appreciated his support, but that had been it. Every time Brian had tried to get him to go out with him, even just to leave the hotel and go to the loft, Justin had refused, claiming that he needed to stay with Daphne and Lizzie and couldn't leave them alone.

Brian knew that that wasn't the real reason though and that Justin had pulled back from him on purpose. Justin had put up walls around himself and so far, Brian hadn't found a way to break through them.

He cursed everyone who had ever said that patience was a virtue as he was trying once again to break through the walls that Justin had put up to protect himself from any further pain.

“Come on, just for a drink or two. I am sure it will do you good to get out of here for a while and to see something else than these rooms,” he tried, not for the first time, to convince Justin to join him on a trip away from this suite.

“I can't, Brian,” Justin sighed, clearly tired of having the same argument over and over again.

“Because of Daphne and Lizzie... yeah... so you've said,” Brian nodded.

“I can't leave them alone, not right now,” Justin said exasperatedly.

“Justin, you and I are here and they are in the other room. What difference will it make whether you're in this room or at the bar downstairs?”

“I can't, Brian,” was all Justin replied once more and Brian could feel the distance between them. He couldn't help but wonder if he would ever be able to bridge that distance.

“You can do with a change of scenery... we both know it. Just for an hour, not long,” Brian tried once more, sighing when he could see on Justin's face that the younger man was no closer to changing his mind.

Before Justin could say anything though, they were both interrupted by Daphne's voice. “Brian is right, you know? You should go. Get out of here for a while. We'll be fine.”

Brian was surprised by her sudden appearance and it was apparent that Justin hadn't heard her come into the room either. He looked just as surprised.

“Daph,” Justin started, looking at her sternly, as if they had also had this argument before.

Brian noticed the look and wondered what that was about but decided to just be happy for now that he seemed to have an ally in Daphne.

“Go! If not for your own sake, do it for mine. I can't keep staring at that sad face of yours for much longer... You know that we can both do with a break from each other. Go and have a drink with Brian and give me an hour to myself. Please!”

Justin eyed his friend from wide eyes and for a moment Brian wasn't sure if Daphne hadn't gone too far with what she had said, but then he saw the beginning of a smile on her face and saw the same smile break out on Justin's face as well. Slowly, but it was definitely a small smile.

“Fine,” the younger man finally gave in, eyeing his best friend from serious eyes. “But just for an hour.”

“Thank God,” Daphne exclaimed, throwing up her arms, then turned to Brian. “Get him out of here before he changes his mind.”

Brian didn't need to be told twice and was already on his way to the door, Justin following behind him, albeit a bit reluctant.

When they left the suite and waited for the elevator to arrive on their floor, Justin frowned. “I don't think I should go to the bar downstairs. People might recognize me and...,” he started, but then stopped.

So far, they had been lucky and he, Daphne and Lizzie hadn't been recognized as far as they knew. At least there hadn't been any press reports about them being in Pittsburgh and no paparazzi had found them here so far. The last week had been a relief after the previous weeks and for the first time Daphne and Justin had been able to enjoy some kind of normalcy, though Justin had still insisted on being careful when they left the hotel and not to draw too much attention to themselves.

“Don't worry about that. I have an idea,” was all Brian said before he stepped into the elevator as the door opened before them. When he pressed the button for the car park in the basement, Justin frowned.

“Brian,” he started, but Brian just held up his hand to stop him.

“Just relax, okay? I am not going to drag you to Babylon or anything.”

Justin rolled his eyes but stayed quiet. A few seconds later they arrived in the car park and headed for Brian's car.

“Where are we going?” Justin asked as they headed out of the car park and onto the still busy street.

“Somewhere quiet where it will just be you and me. Don't worry.”

It was clear by Justin's expression that he still didn't seem really happy about this turn of events, but he didn't complain or comment and stayed quiet until they arrived at Brian's address.

Justin looked up, then turned to Brian. “I don't think this is a good idea...”

“We're just going to have a drink. Relax! Giving you a chance to get out of that hotel suite for an hour or two and to see something else. And giving Daphne a break from having to look at your sad face. You heard her,” Brian winked before he got out of the car.

Justin followed reluctantly. “I don't have a sad face.”

“Well, happy clearly looks different,” Brian pointed out, then opened the door to the building and led the way to the elevator.

“I am sorry I haven't been little miss sunshine lately,” Justin grumbled as the elevator made its way up to the top floor. “In case you haven't noticed, my life is a mess.”

“I am well aware,” Brian said quietly, then opened the gate of the elevator and then the heavy metal door of his loft. He walked inside but frowned when Justin stayed outside the door. “You're not coming in? I promise I have booze.”

Justin's voice was quiet when he replied. “I didn't expect to ever come back here...”

“Yeah, well... life works in mysterious ways,” Brian shrugged, then walked over to his fridge and got two bottles of beer. He handed one to Justin after the young man had finally made his way inside and had pulled the metal door shut. He then walked over to the sofa and sat down. “Sit down.”

“What is this, Brian?”

Brian frowned and looked up at Justin who was now standing a couple of feet away from him. “I think it's called having a drink.”

“No... this,” Justin said once more, waving his hand around to indicate him and Brian. “What is this? Why are you doing all this? Why are we here?”

“So you would get a break from the hotel for a while and would have a chance to see something else.”

“Don't play stupid, Brian. It doesn't suit you,” Justin said, now clearly angry. “You wanted to help us, fine. I appreciate that and am very grateful for it, but why do you keep showing up at the hotel? Why did you keep asking me to go out with you? What is this?”

Brian now sighed, looking from Justin towards the window and out at the Pittsburgh skyline. He was quiet for a minute, before he spoke. “I am just trying to be a friend.”

“We are not friends, Brian.”

“Maybe we can be,” Brian said quietly, though it sounded weird to his own ears as he said it. He didn't want to be friends. That was not his intention and from the looks of it, Justin knew so as well.

“You know that's not possible,” Justin whispered before he turned away and looked outside the window as well. “I can't do this, Brian... I can't keep doing this... it's too painful...”

Brian watched the younger man for a minute, wondering what he should do. In the end, he allowed his instincts to take over and got up and walked over to where Justin stood. He stopped right behind him, their bodies almost touching, but not quite.

“Fine,” he started, making sure not to touch Justin and to give him his space. “I don't want to be your friend...”

Justin slowly turned around and looked at Brian from confused eyes. “What does that mean?”

“I care about you... I think I might love you, but... I don't really know much about love and... I don't know what this is, but... I care about you. I want to know that you're okay, that you're happy and I want to be the one to make you happy. What... we had... was good, Sunshine. It wasn't the most conventional relationship in the world, but I know it was a relationship and I think I want us to try again.”

Brian heard Justin gasp, saw his eyes widen, but the younger man didn't say anything which honestly confused Brian and also scared him quite a bit. As far as he was concerned, he had just said more about his feelings than he ever had to anyone before and now he wasn't getting a reaction. It scared him. Not sure what else to do, he just continued.

“I know I overreacted when I found out about Daphne and Lizzie. I know I was an ass and that I hurt you. I should have given you the chance to explain, but... I was hurt as well. I felt betrayed and... that hurt... it hurt because I cared so much about you and all of a sudden it felt like I didn't know you at all...”

At that point Justin interjected. “You don't.”

“Justin...”

“No, Brian. You don't. You have no idea what my life is like. You just know what I wanted you to know all those years, but... who you know? That's Justin Taylor, the artist. You don't know me.”

Brian eyed Justin and saw the sadness on that beautiful face. “I think I do... I think I know you. The real you. You are Justin Taylor. You are an artist. That's who I think you really are deep down and that's who I got to know. That's the man I care about.”

“That's not me. I am a prince, Brian. I am the heir to a kingdom, expected to become king of my country one day. You don't know anything about me, my life...”

“But I know you... I know Daphne, I know your daughter. Maybe I didn't know you when we first met and maybe I didn't know you all those years when we met in New York, but Sunshine... I think deep down I know who you are. Maybe I don't know everything about your life, but the things I don't know, I want to learn. I want to understand your life. I want to be by your side and want to see you smile again.”

“You only know what I wanted you to know, Brian,” Justin said quietly, holding Brian's gaze. “But my real life, you have no idea...”

“Well, I think I got quite a good idea in recent weeks,” Brian replied equally quiet. “I know that you're a royal, I know about the media circus your coming out has turned into... I saw all of that... And I want to be by your side and make sure that you're okay in this crazy storm that your life has become. I want to see you happy again, Justin.”

Justin shook his head, then turned around once more to look outside at the city lights. “You have no idea what that would involve. I... appreciate you saying this, Brian, but you have no idea what you would be getting into.”

“Then tell me... tell me what is so bad about your life that apparently I won't be able to deal with it?” Brian asked, looking at the back of Justin's head in exasperation.

For the longest time Justin stayed quiet and Brian thought he wouldn't reply.

“Explain it to me, please,” Brian was now almost begging and he didn't care. He wanted to know what was so bad about Justin's life that apparently, he couldn't be a part of it anymore like he had been before.

“My family... it's not like most families, Brian. My mother and father weren't the most loving parents in the world. I am sure they loved me and Molly in their own way, but it's not what you would expect from a conventional family. I was raised by nannies, went to boarding school as soon as I could be sent away. I only saw them for holidays and photo shoots when we had to appear together as a family. In my family, all that ever mattered was the duty to our country, to our people and public appearances. When I told my parents that I wanted to be an artist, they laughed at me. No future king could be an artist. It was unheard of. My whole life was about me being the future king and learning how to be a good leader to our people. My own interests... what I wanted from my life... it never mattered because all that mattered was my duty to the crown, the people and our country. The fact that I am gay... that I came out... I haven't heard from my mother ever since. I know that she's disappointed and maybe even angry. I besmirched the family name... our history and everything... if it was up to her, the truth would have never come out and I would have stayed with Daphne for the rest of my life, pretending to be straight. You don't understand, Brian, but my personal happiness has never mattered. And it won't ever... We can't be together. No matter how much I might want us to be, no matter how much you might want us to be... I can't be that person for you, Brian. I am a future king. That's my duty in life.”

Justin's voice had gotten colder and colder while he had spoken and Brian just stared at him from wide eyes.

“But what about your happiness? You have a right to your happiness,” he said, looking at the younger man sadly.

“My happiness?” Justin chuckled, but it was not a happy sound. “It doesn't matter what I want, Brian. My life has been predestined from the moment my mother got pregnant with me. I am going to be king one day and... a gay king at that. That's enough scandal for our family. I can't keep adding to that by having a relationship with another man.”

“Why not? You came out. Everyone knows you're gay.”

“It's one thing to know that I am gay, it's a completely different thing to become a gay king with a male partner,” Justin said quietly. He then turned around and met Brian's gaze. “As much as I might want this... I can't ever have this. I was a fool to ever believe so and... I am sorry I made you believe so as well.”

“Sunshine,” Brian said, his voice taking on a tone of urgency. “You have a right to your happiness. Like everyone else. It's your life. Not your parents' life, not your country's life, not your peoples' life. It's your life. You have a right to make the decisions in your life. And if you want to be with me, then that's what you'll fucking do. You did so before!”

Justin shook his head sadly. “That was before everyone knew. My family has no idea that I am Justin Taylor! My family has no idea what my life in New York is like... They allowed Daphne and me to move to New York, to raise Lizzie there, because I agreed to be our country's ambassador to the United Nations and my parents agreed at the time that that would be good training for me in my role as future king. You have no idea about the shame I have brought upon my family by coming out... I can't keep adding to that by living with a man.”

“Then don't tell them!” Brian was nearly yelling now, feeling utterly frustrated. “They didn't know about us before... They don't have to know now,” he argued, looking at the younger man.

“What happened to you not being anyone's dirty little secret?” Justin asked, repeating Brian's words from that night when he had found out about Daphne and Lizzie.

Brian ran a hand over his face, taking a deep breath. “I want to be with you, Justin. I want to see you happy and I want to be the one that makes you happy. We were happy before and I want that back for us. For you. I have seen in recent weeks how unhappy you are and I want to see you smile again, Sunshine. I don't care what I'll have to do to achieve that.”

“You don't know what you're saying,” Justin shook his head slowly. “My life... it has changed completely from what it has been like when you and I were first together... You said so yourself: I am a novelty. The first gay royal. The press will haunt me for the rest of my life because of that... It's time I start making my peace with that.”

“And give up any chance of happiness for yourself?” Brian asked, totally bewildered by what Justin was saying. “I know that we can be happy, Justin. If you just give me a chance. I can be the one to make you happy again.”

Justin smiled sadly. “I know you could, but... it wouldn't make you happy. It would destroy you. My life, my station in life, it destroys everything. It sucks the happiness out of everything.”

“Then turn away from it,” Brian said, by now sounding quite angry. “It's obviously not a life you want. We can build a life here.”

“Brian... I appreciate you saying all this, but really... you have no idea what that would mean for you and your own life. How much it would change everything you love about your life. I can't do that to you.”

“That's not your choice to make, Sunshine,” Brian said quietly, looking at Justin imploringly. “It's my choice to make. And I am willing to see if it's really as bad as you're saying. And if it is... well, I think it's about time you start having someone by your side to support you through this shitshow.”

Justin took a step closer and Brian was more than surprised when the young man leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't a passionate kiss, it was a soft, gentle kiss. Brian kissed him back and mourned the loss of contact when Justin pulled back and smiled at him sadly.

“I love you, Brian. I always will and because of that love, I can't pull you into this life. It would destroy you and I could never do that to you. You have a life here in Pittsburgh. You have Gus to consider... My life... it's not meant to be spent with you.”

“Don't I get a say in this? Don't I get a choice? Don't I at least get a chance to see if your life is really that horrible?” Brian asked, his heart sinking when he saw the sad expression on Justin's face.

“Brian... you have no idea what you're asking... one day you'll thank me. You'll be grateful that I protected you from yourself,” Justin said, then turned around and headed for the door.

Brian looked after him and was ready to say something, but before he could, Justin turned around once more and looked at him from the saddest eyes he had ever seen on the younger man. “I think it's best if you don't come to the hotel anymore. I am more than grateful for everything you've done for me, Daphne and Lizzie, but...this is where our... relationship needs to end. For your own good.”

And then Justin turned around, opened the metal door and pulled it shut behind himself a second later, leaving Brian to stare at the empty space he had occupied just seconds before.

This conversation had not gone at all like Brian had hoped.