Chapter 22

“So, when are we going to head to New York?” Brian asked as he flopped down on the sofa, putting the file he wanted to look through by his side as he looked at Justin who was curled up watching a movie on TV.

“We?” Justin just asked, slowly sitting up and looking at Brian.

“For your show. Have you already forgotten about it? The one that opens next week?” Brian said teasingly, still looking at his partner.

They had now been living at Britin for four months and had settled into their own rhythm. Now that things in Justin's life had calmed down and the media had lost their interest in his life, or rather had lost track of him since he had left New York and hadn't really been seen in public much after that, he had started painting again and his agent had scheduled a new show.

The paintings for the show had been picked up earlier that day after Justin had frantically painted in recent weeks to get everything done in time for the show.

After many conversations with Brian, Daphne and also his agent, he had finally agreed to attend the show, as usual pretending to be a fan of Justin Taylor's artwork, no one but the aforementioned people knowing that Prince Justinus was really the painter behind the art attributed to Justin Taylor.

It would be his first public appearance in months and even though he tried to hide it well, the people that knew Justin closely knew how nervous he was at the prospect.

Justin shook his head slowly in reply to Brian's question and frowned. “No, but... what do you mean we?”

“Well, obviously, I am going to join you,” Brian said as if it really was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Wh-what?” Justin's eyes now widened and he looked clearly shocked by what Brian had just said.

“It's going to be your first major appearance in months and your first show after everything... I am not going to let you go through that on your own,” Brian said seriously, moving a bit closer to where Justin was sitting, still looking utterly shocked.

“Brian, I...,” Justin started, but then stopped, not really sure how to continue.

“I'll be by your side to support you. Wait,” Brian stopped, taking in Justin's shock. “You didn't think I would come with you?”

“I am not sure what I was thinking,” Justin said weakly after the longest pause.

“Sunshine, I want to be by your side and support you. I know it might be tough to show your face at a public event again. We all know how nervous you are. You've been trying to hide it, but geez... everyone can see it. I am not going to let you go through that on your own,” Brian stated seriously.

“Brian,” Justin started once more, now taking a deep breath before he continued. “I don't think you should come...”

“Why not?” Brian looked utterly surprised and confused by what Justin had just said.

“I don't think it would be a good idea.”

That was all Justin said before he hung his head.

“Okay, what am I missing here?” Brian then asked, lifting up Justin's face with his fingertip, forcing the younger man to meet his gaze. “Why wouldn't it be a good idea?”

“I just don't think I am ready for that kind of media attention,” Justin said weakly, pulling away from Brian's touch and moving further away towards the other end of their couch.

“Sunshine,” Brian sighed, then forced himself to stay calm and get to the bottom of this. “It will be your first appearance since you came out. They all know that you're gay. Wouldn't you prefer to have me by your side to support you instead of having to face that on your own?”

“Of course, I would,” Justin said quietly, not looking at Brian as he spoke. “It's just not a good idea.”

“Why not? They know that you're gay. They know that you have sex with men. So, what difference will it make if I show up by your side? We're just going to prove that you're really gay which everyone knows already.”

Justin shook his head. “It's not about that...”

“Then what is this about?”

“These last few months... Things have finally quieted down again... we've finally been able to settle into a rhythm and have a private life here. Brian, nobody knows that we're living here... If you show up at my side, they'll figure out that we have moved to Pittsburgh or surroundings and... they'll start hounding us all over again. I am not sure I am ready for that...”

Brian's heart broke for the younger man and he slowly moved over to his side of the sofa, taking him in his arms and holding him close.

“Sunshine... You can't hide for the rest of your life. People will find out. You have met the family, we go to family dinner, they come here. Don't you want us to be able to meet in public places with everyone? Go to restaurants? Hell, the movies? Maybe go dancing at Babylon?”

They hadn't done any of those things yet and so far, Brian had accepted that Justin had craved privacy and had needed things to calm down in his life and hadn't complained, but he meant what he had said: Justin couldn't hide at Britin and behind its walls for the rest of his life. It wouldn't be healthy.

“Of course, I do,” Justin said, resting his head against Brian's chest. “I just don't think I am ready yet...”

For the moment Brian accepted that and only held Justin close. Maybe he would try again in a couple of days. For now, he would just accept that his sunshine wasn't ready yet to face the world with a partner by his side.

***

“Baby, I get what you're saying, but Brian is right,” Emmett said as he took a large sip of his coffee.

Justin had shown up at his office about twenty minutes ago and had told him about the conversation he and Brian had had the night before.

Over the last couple of months Justin and Emmett had become close friends and they would often get together and talk about their relationships.

“You can't hide forever. And really... it might be better to just rip off the band-aid and get it over with, you know? Drewsie and I went to such lengths to hide our relationship, but once people knew... we had so much more freedom. It made our lives so much easier. I am sure Brian knows that and it's all he wants for you: for your lives to become that much easier.”

“I know,” Justin said, hanging his head and looking at the table instead of his friend. “I fucking know.”

“Then what is the problem?” Emmett asked. “I know you're scared and nervous, but in the long run, it will make your lives so much easier.”

“My life, yes. But what about Brian?” Justin finally asked, looking at Emmett from sad eyes.

“I am not sure I am following. What do you mean, baby?”

“I know that Brian is right. That you're right. That Daphne is right. I fucking know that... And I wish I could just listen to all of you and do what you say I should do, but I can't. Not when I know what it's going to cost Brian...”

“You're losing me here,” Emmett said, looking honestly confused by what Justin had just said.

“Once they see Brian at my side... they'll start to dig into Brian's past,” Justin said slowly, only to be interrupted by Emmett right away.

“So that's what you're afraid of? Of people finding out about his past as the Stud of Liberty Avenue? Honey, Brian has never lied about his past or has never been ashamed of it. He has always stood up for himself and who he is or rather was... he's not ashamed of that past and neither should you be.”

“I am not ashamed of his past,” Justin said sincerely and Emmett could hear that the younger man meant that. “I have never been. I've always known about his reputation and who he was and I couldn't care less. If he doesn't mind, then I won't. I love him, all of him.”

“Then what is the problem?”

Justin sighed. “There will be other things they will find once they start digging...”

“Other things?” Emmett frowned.

“His family,” Justin said slowly, waiting to see if he needed to explain more or if Emmett would understand what he was talking about.

“So, he has told you about them,” Emmett said with a nod to himself. “Good for him.”

“Not exactly,” Justin squirmed.

Emmett eyed his friend, not sure what to make of that statement. “But you know about them anyway. Has Debbie told you?”

Justin just shook his head. He also shook his head when Emmett asked if Michael, Lindsay or Ted might have mentioned something.

It took him about another minute before something clicked and he looked at Justin from wide eyes. “Oh my God! You had him investigated?”

Justin hung his head. “That was years ago... when things first started to get serious between us in New York... I had to make sure he wouldn't be in need of money and wouldn't use our relationship to exploit me.”

“Brian would never,” Emmett immediately started to defend his friend, only to be interrupted by Justin right away.

“I know... I know he wouldn't, but back then... I didn't know him like I know him now and...if I hadn't agreed to it, the palace's security team would have investigated him anyway. With or without my consent.”

“Does he know?” Emmett asked after another minute of silence between them.

Justin just shook his head in reply.

“Oh baby... he won't like that.”

“I know,” Justin muttered, hiding his face in his hands. “I fucking know, but there's nothing I can do about it now. It was years ago...”

“Are you bothered by what you found out about his family?” Emmett asked next, eying Justin closely.

“Of course, it bothers me to know what he went through as a child... And it bothers me that he never told me himself.”

“Baby, it's not something Brian really talks about. If it weren't for Debbie and Michael, I don't think I'd know about his family either.”

“I just know that... if he shows up at my side... the press will find out his name and will start digging. All of this will be dragged into the public. I can't do that to him,” Justin said in a voice full of emotion. “He didn't even tell me; can you imagine what he would feel like if it was all over every fucking tabloid in the world?”

Emmett could see how agitated his friend was getting and reached out and gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze.

“Honey, that's not your call to make.”

“If I can protect him from that, of course that's my call to make.”

Emmett shook his head.

“No, it's not.”

Justin looked up and frowned at Emmett. After a deep breath the tall queen spoke again.

“I know you only want to protect him, but just like he can't protect you from the world, neither can you protect him. And baby, just think about this for a second: Brian has worked with media outlets for years. He knows all there is to know about marketing, PR and how the media works. Do you really think he's not aware of this being a possibility? Do you really?”

Justin thought about what Emmett had said and finally shook his head. No, he couldn't believe that Brian wouldn't be aware of what implications his appearance at Justin's side would have for him and his business.

“But what about Kinnetik?”

“Oh, I am sure Kinnetik will be fine. People come to Kinnetik for their daring and edgy campaigns, not for stories about Brian's childhood and what side of the tracks he grew up on.”

“This could be really bad, Emmett... I can't do that to Brian,” Justin said quietly, his voice still sounding pained.

“You're not doing anything to him. You haven't asked him to join you. Quite on the contrary. He has offered because he wants to support you. I am sure he's aware of all the implications and he doesn't care because he loves you and wants to support you and wants to be there for you. So... if you're not ashamed of what might come out, then let him be by your side. It's obviously what he wants to do. At least give him the chance to make his own choice. Talk to him. Tell him about your fears and talk to him about the implications. Let it be his choice.”

Justin nodded, knowing that Emmett was right.

“I just don't want him or his business to suffer because of who I am... he didn't ask for any of this.”

“Neither did you, baby,” Emmett said, his voice full of understanding. “Neither did I when Drew and I became public knowledge, but... as much as Drew wanted to protect me back then... I wanted to shout from every rooftop in Pittsburgh how much I loved him. I didn't care what the press or the fans would think of flamboyant, gay Emmett Honeycutt from Hazlehurst, Mississippi. Drew was worried about me, but I wasn't. I just wanted to be by his side and wanted to support him and really... coming out was the best thing that ever happened to us. Yes, it was tough for a while. I won't lie, but after a couple of days, maybe weeks... the attention died down. People became used to seeing me at his side and by now, I don't think anyone still bats an eye when we go out and have a date or go somewhere in public. They just became so used to seeing us together, it's normal to them now. And I think that's what Brian wants for you guys as well. But really? You'll have to talk to him. Speak to him about this. Give him a chance to make his own choice.”

Justin nodded once more, knowing that Emmett was absolutely right. As much as he wanted to protect Brian from any kind of media attention that might be headed their way, they couldn't hide behind Britin's walls forever and at some point, they would have to start acting like any other normal couple as well. Nothing else would be healthy.

***

Brian was sitting at his desk in his study and was looking at some designs on his laptop. He had left the office early that day, promising to attend Gus' parent-teacher night at school and was now finishing the last of his work that needed to be done in time for tomorrow.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Justin asked quietly as he made his way into the study.

Brian looked up from his laptop and smiled at his partner. “Of course. You can always save me from boring designs. I want you to.”

Justin smiled and made his way over to Brian's chair, sitting down in his lap. He looked at the laptop in interest and looked at the designs Brian had been looking at.

“Have you thought about changing the color of the text to orange? The blue looks kind of cold and orange would give it a much warmer image,” Justin said after he had taken the designs in.

“You think?” Brian asked back, raising an eyebrow.

This wasn't the first time that Justin had looked at some of the designs his art department had created and would give his input. Usually, it was very good input and more than once he had already saved some campaign that Brian had become desperate about.

Justin nodded. “Yeah, I think that would make it more appealing.”

“I'll have the art department change it tomorrow,” Brian said, then closed the program on his laptop and turned to Justin. “What did you want to talk about?”

“About New York,” Justin said, leaning closer against Brian's body.

“What about it?” Brian asked, his voice slightly tense. They hadn't talked about New York since that night when Justin had said that he wasn't ready to have Brian come along. Brian hadn't been happy but had accepted Justin's reasons and hadn't mentioned it since. He didn't look forward to Justin leaving and being gone for a week or even longer, but there was nothing he could do about it.

“Do you really want to come to the show with me?”

Brian eyed Justin for a few seconds then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I told you; I know how stressful this whole public appearance is for you. I want to be by your side and support you.”

“Have you really thought this through?” Justin asked quietly, looking at Brian intently.

“What is there to think through?” Brian asked. “Once they've seen me at your side, they'll get interested for a bit, will want some pictures, but then after a couple of days or weeks their interest will die down as it has before and we can go on and live our lives the way we want to.”

“I know, but that's not what I meant,” Justin sighed.

When Justin didn't continue, Brian frowned. “Okay, so what do you mean?”

“They'll start looking into who you are...your life...your past...”

“I am aware of that,” Brian said quietly.

“Are you also aware of what that will mean for you? For Kinnetik?” Justin asked carefully, leaning back to look at Brian from questioning eyes.

“Sunshine, what are you trying to say here?” Brian's voice had gotten an edge that was hard not to hear. “Are you ashamed of what they are going to write?”

“No,” Justin said honestly, still looking at Brian. “I don't give a fuck about what they'll write. I love you and I know what kind of person you've been in the past. I don't care.”

“Then what's with all this concern for me all of a sudden?”

“I just want to know that you're really sure about this. What about Gus?” Justin asked next.

“What about him? That boy grew up on Liberty Avenue. He knows more about my past than is good for him, but well... it can't be helped. I'll talk to him, explain things to him. He'll be fine.”

Justin looked doubtful. “Are you sure? This is going to be way different than a couple of guys gossiping about a one-night stand with you at the diner the morning after.”

Brian made a face and sounded serious when he replied. “Sunshine... I know that there are things in my past that... aren't something I should be proud of, but it is what it is. I am not going to hide for the rest of my life because of some bad headlines that will be forgotten in a few months. Gus will be fine. He'll have all of us to make sure that he is.”

“I just don't want him to suffer because of who I am,” Justin said quietly, but very seriously.

“Sunshine, Gus loves you. Don't you think that there will be a point where he'll want you to join him at his soccer games or where he wants you to go and watch a movie with him or something? I don't want us to hide for the rest of our lives. Yes, I am aware that if I join you, the next couple of weeks are going to be... tough... but I also know that things will get better afterwards. Just look at Emmett and Drew. They were on the cover of every newspaper in the beginning, but now nobody gives a shit. I want that to be us. I want to take you out to nice restaurants; I want to take you dancing. I want us to do normal shit.”

“I'd like that,” Justin agreed, resting his head on Brian's shoulder. “I really would...”

“Then let me come and join you and let us get this over with. Think of it like ripping off a band-aid. Once it's done, it will get better afterwards.”

Justin was quiet for the longest time before he pulled back again. “What about your family and the things they will find out about them?”

“My family? What do you mean?” Brian frowned in confusion.

Justin sighed, but never backed down, knowing that he owed Brian the truth. “I know what they're going to find out there...”

“I never told you,” Brian started, then stopped and looked at Justin from wide eyes. “Who told you?”

“No one,” Justin said, still not backing away from Brian's gaze.

“Then how the fuck do you...,” Brian started asking but then stopped as something clicked in his mind and suddenly made sense. “You had me investigated?”

“Brian, I,” Justin started, but never got any further. Before he could finish his sentence, Brian had already pushed him from his lap and was getting up from his chair as well.

“You fucking had me investigated?”

“Brian, that was years ago...,” Justin tried to defend. “When we first got together and I needed to know if I could trust you or not.”

“And you never told me?”

“I am telling you now,” Justin said weakly, knowing that it really wasn't a good point to make right now.

“Only because you're ashamed of what you found out and don't want it to become public knowledge. Doesn't look good for a prince to be seen with a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, right?”

“That's not true,” Justin said immediately.

“Well, newsflash, Sunshine. Not everyone grew up as pampered and spoiled as you,” Brian directed at the younger man whose eyes widened in shock at what Brian had just said.

“Brian... I...,” Justin tried to gather his thoughts and tried to respond but couldn't because Brian was on a real roll now.

“Maybe you should have had that guy investigated that actually went and blackmailed you and outed you to the world.”

Justin stumbled as if he had physically been hit by Brian's words. When he caught himself, he looked at Brian from eyes that looked more hurt than Brian had ever seen.

The younger man looked like a puppy that had just been kicked and when he saw the reaction his words had caused in the younger man, Brian immediately knew that he had gone too far.

“Sunshine, I...,” he started to apologize, but Justin just turned around and wordlessly left the room, slamming the door shut behind himself.

Brian watched the closed door and muttered to himself. “Fuck!”

***

Brian knew that he had gone too far, but he was also pissed with Justin for having him investigated. He didn't care if it had been years ago. He hated that Justin had never told him.

He had gotten a bottle of Jim Beam from his cabinet and had two glasses, before he slowly calmed down. Looking at it all calmly now, he knew that everything else would probably have been very careless on Justin's part. Seeing who he was, Brian could understand why Justin had felt the need to investigate him, especially seeing how things between them had gotten more serious years ago.

It bothered him and made him angry, but deep down he could understand why it had happened. He just wondered why Justin had never mentioned it to him.

At the same time, he also knew that he had probably gone too far with his comment about that guy who had blackmailed Justin and he knew that he should apologize for what he had said.

So, after 30 minutes and two whiskeys he went in search of his boyfriend. He checked the studio, thinking that Justin might be there, angrily lashing out at some poor canvas, but he was surprised when the studio was empty.

In the end he found the younger man in their bedroom, curled up under the covers of their bed. When Brian entered the room, Justin pretended to be asleep, but Brian knew that he wasn't.

He slowly made his way over to Justin's side of the bed and sat down next to him. Justin immediately turned around to literally show Brian his cold shoulder and Brian knew that he probably deserved it.

“Sunshine,” he said quietly, running a hand over his partner's tense shoulders and arms. “I am sorry. That was totally out of line from me. I shouldn't have said that.”

When he got no reply from his partner, he slowly lay down behind him, wrapping his arms around the smaller body. He could feel how tense Justin was and knew that it was his fault. He felt even worse than he had before.

“I am sorry. I really am,” he whispered over and over again. “I shouldn't have said that. I know it was totally out of line... I was just so angry...”

“You weren't wrong,” Justin said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper. “I should have had him investigated... But he was just a one-night stand... I didn't think he recognized me... it's my own fault.”

“Don't say that,” Brian said quietly, running his hands over Justin's arms.

“It is... It's my own fault that I became a laughingstock. If I had been more careful, none of this would have happened.”

“And then we wouldn't be here,” Brian said seriously. “That's not something I want to think about.”

When Justin stayed quiet and didn't say anything to that, Brian tightened his embrace. “I know how hard these last few months have been for you. I know how much you have suffered and it's probably not the right thing to say, but... I can't be sad that it happened. If it hadn't, we might have never reconnected. You might have never shown up at the loft, we might have never talked and we definitely wouldn't be here now...”

“You mean you wouldn't have felt sorry for me and taken me back because of the shitshow my life had become,” Justin muttered darkly.

“No, I wouldn't have,” Brian agreed, though his voice sounded amused more than anything. He leaned over and gently kissed Justin behind his ear. “I love you, Sunshine.”

“Even though I had you investigated and never told you?” Justin asked very quietly.

Brian never loosened the embrace and still held Justin tightly as he spoke. “I wish you would have told me, but I get why you had me investigated.... I understand...”

“It was years ago, Brian. At the time you didn't even know who I was and then... afterwards... it just never really mattered. I didn't even think about it until you started talking about coming to New York with me.”

“Are you embarrassed about what you found out?” Brian asked, his voice equally quiet.

Justin turned around in his arms and looked at him from sad eyes. He shook his head before he spoke. “No. I never was and I never will be.”

“Then why don't you want me to come to New York with you?”

Justin sighed, closing his eyes for a few seconds before he opened them again. “I want you to come to New York with me...I am just not sure you really understand the implications of what that will mean for you, for Gus, for Kinnetik. I don't want my position to cause problems for you.”

“I don't care,” Brian replied hotly, resting his forehead against Justin's.

“But I do,” the younger man gave back right way. “I know how ruthless the media can be. I know how they can twist statements to further their own agenda and... I don't want that to happen to you.”

“I know you think I don't understand what being with you means,” Brian said seriously, looking at Justin from sad eyes. “And maybe I don't, but... I don't want us to hide for the rest of our lives. Everyone knows that you're gay. And now you'll also have a gay partner. Well, let them deal with that. I don't care what kind of shit they'll dig up from my past. I just want us to be able to have as normal a life as we can.”

“Our life will never be normal,” Justin said sadly.

“Maybe not...but maybe it will be,” Brian said, pulling the younger man close. “We won't know until we try living our lives the way we want.”

“I just don't want you to regret this in a couple of weeks. I don't want you to start hating me because of what the press might unearth and publish.”

“I could never hate you,” Brian whispered, leaving a soft kiss on Justin's forehead. “I love you too much.”

Justin buried his head in Brian's neck and inhaled the scent that was so uniquely Brian. He sighed happily. This was what made him happy. Being with this man, this man who had done so much for him and had tried so much to give him a new life away from his former life and role.

“If you really want to come to New York, I would love to have you by my side,” he said seriously after a minute of not saying anything.

Brian nodded. “I want to, but... I don't want you to come to regret it. I don't care about what the media might find and publish about me. I've lived my life and have no regrets and I won't apologize for how I've lived my life. It's my life and no one else's business, but... I don't want it to negatively affect you. You've been through enough already. If you think it's better, I'll stay here in Pittsburgh.”

“No,” Justin whispered. “I want you to come. I just... wish it wouldn't be like that... I wish we wouldn't even need to have this conversation.”

Brian smiled gently as he looked at Justin. “Well, you are a high maintenance boyfriend. I have to give you that. You're lucky that you have a cute ass, or I might think twice about keeping you around.”

Justin snorted at that comment and rolled his eyes. “You couldn't survive without my ass.”

“You know me too well,” Brian chuckled before he softly kissed Justin.

When their kiss ended, Brian turned to lie on his back and looked at the ceiling. “Are you sure you're not ashamed of what they'll write about me? I know that a slut from a working-class family that was beaten by his good for nothing, drunk dad and condemned to hell by his alcoholic, freakishly religious mother isn't really a suitable companion for a prince.”

Justin ran a hand over Brian's abdomen, then raised his head to look the older man right in the eye. “You're talking to a prince that has been kicked out of his family by his religious mother, the queen, for being gay and has been publicly humiliated in front of the whole world in the process. I think as far as parents go, I am not the gold standard you might think I am...”

Brian shook his head in amusement at what Justin had said and pulled him closer. “We make quite the pair, don't we?”

A sunshine smile spread on Justin's face and he nodded. He then leaned in and kissed Brian once more.

“I love you. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. I love you and I know that you love me. It's all that matters to me,” Justin whispered once the kiss ended.

“I love you, too,” Brian replied, smiling up at the younger man.

Whatever would happen, they would be fine because they had each other. And that was all that mattered.