Chapter 6

Brian stared at the younger man, waiting for a reply. When none came, he snarked. “What are you doing here? Your royal highness!”

The last part had been hissed angrily and Justin visibly flinched in reaction.

“I didn't know where else to go,” he said quietly, looking at Brian from tired eyes and an exhausted face.

“And what gave you the fucking idea that you could just show up here?” Brian almost yelled, glaring at the younger man.

“I... I just needed a place where no one would find me... where I could just lay low for a … night.”

“Those places are called hotel. They have a lot of them. All over town. And guess what? They even have them in New York!” Brian shot back, moving over to pull the metal door to his apartment shut.

“I am sorry, Brian,” Justin said quietly, not looking at the man himself, but at the floor in front of him.

Brian barked a laughter. “Sorry? What exactly for? For showing up here unannounced? For lying to me about your fucking wife and daughter? For lying to me about who the hell you are?”

“For everything,” Justin said, now looking up to meet Brian's angry gaze. “I wanted to tell you so many times, but... I didn't know how.”

“Well, you know? It's actually quite easy. You open your mouth and make noises. Some people call them words. And those words could have said: By the way, Brian, I am a dirty liar. A fucking coward who has a wife and daughter and uses you to scratch an itch every once in a while when I feel like it. And to boot, I am a fucking prince as well!”

Justin lowered his eyes once more, not able to keep looking at Brian. He couldn't bear the anger he saw in those eyes.

“It's not like that... it has never been like that,” he just muttered.

“Oh really? So what has it been like?” Brian challenged, looking at Justin expectantly.

“I... I wanted to explain to you so many times... I... tried calling you, tried texting you... I wish you would have given me a chance to explain.”

“Well, it doesn't seem like you took the hint. Maybe my silence should have told you that I didn't want to talk to you.”

Now it was Justin's turn to laugh hollowly. “Oh, I got it. I got your message loud and clear... “

“Then why are you here? What are you fucking doing here at my loft?”

“I didn't know where else to go,” Justin whispered, now looking up again, his eyes filling with tears as he spoke. “You... this... it was the only place I could think of.”

“Of all the places... of all the people you must know... You couldn't find another place to go?” Brian raised an eyebrow, then shook his head angrily. “Unbelievable.”

“I... I didn't know who else to trust...,” Justin admitted sadly, angrily wiping away a tear. “I didn't know where else to go, what else to do... I just... I needed to find a place where I could think... if only for a couple of hours and... there's no one I can trust right now....”

“And you trust me?” Brian's voice made it clear what he thought of that.

“I do,” Justin said surprisingly fast, his voice absolutely sincere. “I always have.”

“Well, good for you! At least one of us can trust the other then, right?” With that Brian moved to close the door to his apartment once more. He stopped when Justin's voice broke the silence once more.

“You have never betrayed me. You... you have never sold me out to the press...Not even after...,” Justin then stopped, not finishing his sentence and letting it hang in the air.

“Well, until today, I had no idea that there was anything to sell, Prince Justinus!”

Justin's eyes widened slightly as he looked at Brian and gauged the honesty of his words.

“You... you didn't know?”

“Joke's on me, I guess, but until earlier today, I thought I was fucking Justin Taylor, artist from New York. Not a fucking royal from Europe who's about to become king of his fucking country one day,” Brian confirmed.

“I thought... I,” Justin started, then stopped, running a hand over his face. “I always thought you knew and just... hadn't made a big deal out of it.”

“Believe it or not, I actually believed you when you told me about your life as an artist in New York,” Brian spat.

“Shit... Brian, I...,” Justin sighed, then looked at Brian once more. “I am so sorry. So fucking sorry. I always assumed that you knew and just hadn't ever mentioned it to not make it an issue between us and...” Justin then stopped and looked at Brian from wide eyes. “That's why you also didn't know about Daphne and Lizzie, is it?”

Brian met Justin's gaze head on, when he spoke. “Your wife? And daughter?”

Justin just nodded in response.

Shaking his head, Brian replied. “Nope, had no idea until you dropped that bomb on me like that.”

Justin just nodded once more, then took a deep breath. “I wish you would have let me explain...”

“What?” Brian now spat. “That you're fucking married and have a child and whenever you feel like it, you go out and meet with your out of town fuck buddy to live out all the gay fantasies in your head?”

“It's not like that, Brian. It was never like that,” Justin said, his voice full of sincerity. “Daphne has always known about you. About us.”

That actually surprised Brian and made him stop what he was about to say. “What?”

“Daphne has been my best friend for as long as I can think. We met in kindergarten and... she has been my best friend ever since. She knew that I was gay long before I did... Hell, she's the one that drove me to Liberty Avenue that night when Gus was born... she was the one that had to listen to me gush about you for years...”

Brian frowned, obviously confused by what Justin was saying. “Your wife knows you're gay?”

Justin nodded once more. “She has always known.”

“And yet she married you and you had a child?” Brian asked, all snark and anger now gone from his voice, replaced by obvious confusion and also curiosity.

“Brian, can I please come in? I... I want to explain it all to you, but... I'd rather not do it here in the hallway,” Justin said quietly, looking at Brian pleadingly.

Brian only seemed to realise now that they were still standing in his doorway and then took a step back to make space for Justin to enter the loft. Once he had, Brian closed the metal door behind him.

“Thanks,” Justin said quietly, turning around to look at Brian.

“Your wife,” Brian just prompted, urging Justin to explain.

Justin nodded, then started his explanation.

“Daphne has always known that I am gay and... she has always known about you... She is my best friend, but she's not my wife in the conventional sense of the word. Yes, she married me, but... not because we're in love with each other, but... she married me because she knew how conservative my parents were, how they would have reacted if they had known the truth about me being gay. She...she married me because she's my best friend and she didn't want me to suffer any more than I had to due to who I am, due to... who my family are. We've... we've always been honest about our sexual affairs, but as far as my parents are concerned, as far as her parents are concerned, hell, as far as the public was concerned, we were a happy couple, madly in love with each other and our daughter. She married me, so my parents would get the heir they always dreamed of. It was all they ever cared about and Daphne made it possible. She... she gave up her chance of finding love for herself one day to protect me from the scandal my coming out would undoubtedly have been.”

Brian listened to what Justin was saying, not pointing out that that exact scandal was unfolding now. Instead he tried to make sense of what Justin was saying.

“Why didn't you tell me?” He asked after a minute of silence between them.

“I wanted to... I wanted to explain it all to you, but... you wouldn't talk to me. You blocked me,” Justin pointed out, not looking at Brian as he spoke.

“Why didn't you tell me before? There would have been so much time to mention her... your daughter...,” Brian replied.

“I... I honestly thought you knew. Up until that night, I thought you knew. It's not like my private life was ever much of a secret. There were pictures... I thought you knew who I was and also knew about her, but when... when you reacted that strongly that night... I... I wasn't sure what to make of it,” Justin admitted.

“Why did you never tell me that you're a fucking prince?” Brian asked, clearly exasperated now.

“I thought you knew,” Justin just repeated. “I thought you knew. I... I don't think I've ever met anyone who didn't know who I was,” he finished weakly.

“Well, say hello to me, the one person on this planet who apparently thought you were just an artist from New York.”

Justin looked at Brian from sad eyes. “I... I am so sorry. So sorry, Brian.”

“You could have said something. You could have checked if I really didn't know... I could have been someone who just wanted to exploit you and make some money off you. Like whoever sold that video to the fucking press,” Brian said angrily.

Justin hung his head and sighed. “That first night, when Gus was born... It was fucking reckless. I didn't know you, didn't know if you would have recognized me or not and... I didn't care. I was too young and naive to pay any attention to the potential risks of just hooking up with a stranger and... when I met you again years later... I knew that you hadn't sold me out the first time we were together and I guess...I just hoped that you wouldn't then. And when you didn't... I just started trusting that you wouldn't sell me out. And... over time, I just trusted you not to do anything to hurt me.”

“I would have never,” Brian started angrily, then ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “If I had known... I would have never...”

“I know,” Justin said quietly. “I know you wouldn't have. You would have never done anything to hurt me...”

“Who is this guy?” Brian asked next and Justin didn't have to ask who Brian was talking about.

“Just a trick I met at a club... I didn't think he had recognized me, he hadn't given me any indication that he knew who I was and... to be fair, he didn't seem like the smartest guy around, so... I foolishly trusted him...”

“Did you know he was filming you?” Brian asked next, moving over to his sofa, nodding at Justin, urging him to follow him. Brian took a sip from his bottle of Jim Beam, then handed the bottle to Justin.

Justin shook his head, then took a long drink from the bottle as well.

“What will happen now?” Brian asked, flopping down on the sofa.

“I don't know,” Justin admitted, sitting down as well, burying his head in his hands. “I don't fucking know...”

“What about your family?”

Justin sighed, rubbing the heel of his hand over his eyes. “I've been ignoring calls from everyone ever since the story broke... Just trying to figure out what to do... I... I don't fucking know what to do...”

He turned to look at Brian and his eyes looked utterly exhausted. “I don't know what to do... My mother...she will probably disinherit me, not that that would be a bad thing.”

“What?”

Justin sighed, before he explained that statement. “I never wanted this life, Brian. I have never asked for it. The whole pomp, procedure and all the rules and regulations coming with my position... I never wanted that. It's not who I am. It's not who I want to be...But I never had a choice, did I? Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise and I can finally get away from it all and just live the life I have always wanted...Maybe deep down that's why I continued going to clubs even though I knew that I shouldn't. Maybe I was just waiting to be found out. God, I don't know... I just want to live the life I want...”

“What life would that be?” Brian asked, curious despite himself.

Justin shrugged. “I've always just wanted to be Justin Taylor. An ordinary man who worked on his art and was able to be his true self and to love the man he would be happy with for the rest of his life. Prince Justinus... it's not who I am. It's not who I want to be.”

“Doesn't look like you're going to get away from him any time soon,” Brian said darkly, then took the bottle from Justin and took another large drink from it. At that point they were interrupted by the doorbell ringing and Brian got up, marching over to his intercom. He just pressed the button and said curtly. “Fuck off! Not now!” Hoping that whoever was outside – most likely his dealer anyway – would get a hint and disappear. When he turned around, he saw that Justin was watching him from wide eyes.

“I... I shouldn't have come here... I shouldn't have shown up here like this, but... I didn't know where else to go. I don't know who I can trust and... I know I shouldn't have come back into your life like this, but... I trust you, Brian and... I value your opinion,” Justin said seriously.

“My opinion?”

“What should I do?” Justin asked, now looking a lot younger than his 27 years, almost looking like the teenager again that Brian had met so many years ago on the night Gus had been born.

“You're asking me? I am sure your family has a whole PR team at your disposal,” Brian snorted.

“Yes, and they will tell me to deny that it's me in the video and to claim that the video has been doctored.”

“So do that,” Brian said, at the same time rolling his eyes at the stupidity of that idea. He then moved back to the sofa and sat down once more.

“What would your advice be?” Justin asked, now looking at Brian from earnest eyes, eyes that were looking for help.

“My advice? What does it matter?”

“I trust you, Brian and... I haven't had a clear thought all day... I just... I need an honest opinion. From someone that cares about me, not my position, not the throne or the kingdom. Someone that I can trust to put me first.”

“And you think that person is me?” Brian snorted again, shaking his head. “Sunshine, you got the wrong man here...”

Justin smiled, shyly looking up at Brian. “I missed hearing you call me that,” he said quietly, but stopped when he saw Brian's face cloud over. “I... I am sorry... I shouldn't have said that. I just... I trust you and I value your opinion, Brian. I always have!”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time, but in the end gave his two cents though. “If you claim that it isn't you in the video, that the video has been doctored, you only open yourself up to future revelations. Other men might come out, having recognized your face now that it's plastered all over every magazine in the fucking world. If you deny, this won't be the last story of this kind and you'll have to deny these kind of stories again and again... And you know what they say, where there's smoke, there's fire.”

Justin nodded, deep down knowing that Brian was right. “So...what should I do?”

“Take control of the conversation. Make it your story, not someone else's. Give an interview to someone you trust and tell them the truth. Then ride out the wave... It might be hard in the beginning, but once somebody else does something scandalous, they will all forget about you and you can go back to living your life... Otherwise... you'll never know who you can trust... you'll never know if the next guy you fuck might go and sell his story as well... you will always look over your shoulder every time you go and try to be yourself... or,” Brian stopped, taking a deep breath, looking directly at Justin as he continued. “You stop being yourself and will live a lie for the rest of your life, never living out your true, gay self again, but instead living a lie with your wife and daughter for the rest of your days.”

Justin hung his head and shook it over and over. “Fuck...”

“You asked for my advice,” Brian said as way of apology for what he had said. His voice then took on a softer tone. “Stand up for yourself, Justin! Be who you want to be. Who you are. You don't owe your family anything. This is your life, this is about your happiness.”

“It's not that easy, Brian.”

“Yes, it is. You want to be Justin Taylor, artist extraordinaire and gay man that loves to fuck and be fucked by other men? Fine, fucking be him! You owe that to yourself... don't live a lie for the rest of your life.”

“You make it sound so easy, but it's not,” Justin just whispered. “I've got a responsibility... to my family, our kingdom, the throne...”

“And what about the responsibility to yourself? To be the best gay man that you can be? To be your best true self?” Brian asked, looking at the young man at his side. “Anyway, you asked for my advice, this is my advice.”

With that he got up, making Justin frown in confusion. He went into his bedroom and came back a minute later with a pillow and a blanket.

“You can stay on the couch,” was all he said as he handed Justin the items, then went back to his bedroom.

Justin watched after him as he undressed and then went into his bathroom for a quick shower.

He stayed on the couch for the longest time, looking at the night sky over Pittsburgh, deep in thought, thinking over what Brian had said. If only it was that easy.

After what felt like an eternity, Justin got up and headed for the bathroom as well. He smiled when he saw the extra toothbrush that Brian had put next to the sink and then brushed his teeth and got ready for the night.

When he left the bathroom, he thought that Brian was already sleeping, watching the gentle rise and fall of his chest from the doorway.

God, he loved that man. He had missed him so much over the last year. There hadn't been a day that he hadn't thought about Brian holding him, Brian kissing him and yes, also about Brian fucking him. He loved him, he had missed him and he knew now that he had hurt Brian so much by not being honest about who he really was and who Daphne and Lizzie were.

He had thought Brian had known, but he obviously hadn't and now everything they had ever had between them was destroyed. Destroyed because Justin hadn't been honest about who he was.

Justin angrily wiped away the tears that now ran down his face, knowing that it was all his own fault. And instead of sending him away, Brian had offered him his advice and his couch for the night. Brian was a good man and had deserved better than how Justin had treated him.

Not able to help himself, Justin slowly moved closer to the bed, almost feeling a magnetic pull. He kneeled down at the edge of the bed, gasping in shock when Brian's eyes opened and looked straight at him.

They looked at each other for the longest time, until Brian lifted the cover in clear invitation. Justin quickly slipped under the cover, his back touching Brian's front, allowing Brian to wrap his arms around him and hold him close.

It felt so good, Justin couldn't help crying again. He had missed this so much.

There was nothing sexual about the way Brian was pulling him closer, there was just so much comfort in that gesture.

Justin allowed himself to take some deep breaths and for the first time all day he just felt calm and happy. Happy to be where he was, happy to be with the man he was with.

“I never meant to hurt you, Brian... I love you too much... I am so sorry it all ended the way it did...,” Justin whispered, not expecting a reply. He knew that Brian hated talking about his feelings on the best of days and just the fact that he had allowed Justin into his bed and was now holding him was more than Justin could have ever hoped for. He shouldn't push his luck by saying anything more or by making Brian say anything.

For the longest time there was no response from Brian at all. After a couple of minutes, he pulled Justin that much closer, holding him tight in his arms, as if to protect him from the outside world.

“Go to sleep, Sunshine.”

It was all he said and it was all that Justin needed. Brian wasn't kicking him out of his bed and was allowing him to stay. It was more than Justin could have ever wished for.

Ten minutes later both men had fallen asleep, sleeping way better than they should have under the circumstances.