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Chapter 9

 

Brian lay on his bed and stared at his phone. He had been staring at it for almost an hour now. Several times his finger had hovered over the part of the screen that said 'unblock' but so far, he had always pulled back at the last second.

 

He stared at the phone some more, taking a deep breath, before he finally touched the screen and unblocked the number in question.


Afterwards he stared at the phone as if he expected it to explode, but nothing happened. Everything stayed quiet, no sudden calls or texts and Brian chastised himself for his ridiculous behaviour. What had he expected? That Justin would still call him every waking minute even though he knew that his number was blocked by Brian and had been for over a year and that he would magically call him right the moment Brian unblocked it?

“Get a grip, Kinney,” Brian muttered, before he threw his phone onto the bed and got up. He moved into his bathroom and took a shower, hoping that it would help him relax.

 

He had felt tense ever since he had left the office earlier that day and as much as he tried to tell himself that it had nothing to do with Ted's little speech and what he had said about Brian loving Justin, Brian knew that he was only lying to himself.

 

Ted had looked pretty much right through him and Brian wondered if everyone else had such an easy time looking right through him.

 

Some of the things Ted had said had hit closer to home than Brian liked to admit and he had been contemplating Ted's little outburst for a while now.


Did he love Justin? He honestly wasn't sure if he even knew what love was, so he wasn't sure if what he felt for Justin could be called love, but the truth was that he felt something for the younger man. And had felt something for him for years. It had been the reason he had returned to New York more times than had been necessary in those three years, it had been the reason why he had looked forward to every trip and to every weekend spent in the city.

 

He had cared about Justin, had loved being with him. Not only because Justin was a great fuck. If that had been it, Brian wouldn't have spent whole weekends with him, wouldn't have visited his studio and wouldn't have told the younger man so much about his life in Pittsburgh.

Talking to Justin had been easy and Brian had honestly cared about the younger man's opinion, just like he knew that Justin had cared about his.


For all intents and purposes, they had been in a relationship. No matter how much Brian hated that word and no matter how unconventional it had been – after all Brian still had tricks in Pittsburgh and fucked other men there, and he was pretty sure that Justin hadn't been celibate either when he hadn't been in New York, though they had never really talked about it - what they had had could be described as a weird long-distance relationship. Maybe not what everyone else considered a relationship, but Brian knew that as far as he was concerned it was the closest thing he had ever come to one.

 

And he knew that Ted had also been right about something else. The only reason why Brian had felt so betrayed when he had found out about Justin's wife and daughter was because he had cared about Justin and had thought that they had something special.

 

“God, you sound like a lesbian,” he muttered to himself as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. “When did you become such a sissy?”

 

He brushed his teeth, then moved back to the bedroom and climbed back into bed. After pausing for a bit, he picked up his phone again and unlocked the screen. He stared at it for several minutes, feeling absolutely ridiculous.


Maybe Ted had been right, maybe he wasn't as brave as he had always thought. Only, what was he so scared of? Ted had been right, Justin loved him. Still, after everything. His letter had made that clear, hell, his visit to the loft had made that clear. The night he had spent in Brian's arms had made that clear.

So what was Brian so afraid of? Admitting to himself that he also cared about Justin? Maybe even loved him? That he worried about him? Especially now with the shitshow his life had become?

 

Deciding that Brian Kinney was a lot of things, but not a coward, Brian pressed the call button in the end.

 

Once he had done it, he took a deep breath and listened to the ringing of the phone. He was behaving ridiculously. It was only Justin that he was calling. And maybe the young man wouldn't even answer the call.


Just as Brian thought that thought, he heard the call connect.

 

There was slight hesitation and an awkward pause before the call was answered. “Brian?”

 

His throat suddenly felt dry and Brian wasn't quite sure what to say. So he settled on the obvious. “Hey, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.”

 

There was another pause on the line before he could hear Justin sigh deeply. “I've had better weeks...”

 

“Yeah, I can imagine,” Brian answered, not quite sure what else to say. He could only imagine what Justin's week had been like. “Are you okay?” He asked next, at the same as Justin was speaking as well.

“I didn't think you'd be calling.”

 

There was another awkward silence for a couple of seconds before Justin went ahead and answered Brian's question.

 

“I am trying to be. I will be. I was told to ride out the wave and that it would be alright soon. So, I guess I am waiting for that point to come.”

 

Brian could hear the exhaustion in Justin's voice and felt for the younger man.

 

“It will come,” Brian said seriously.

 

“Doesn't feel like it from where I am standing,” Justin muttered, then sighed deeply. “Why are you calling, Brian?”

 

“I told you, I wanted to check in and see if you were alright,” Brian said, but it sounded weak even to his own ears.

 

“You blocked my number. Why unblock it now?” Justin didn't sound angry or even hurt, he mostly sounded curious.

 

“Someone told me that you could probably do with a friend on your side right now... that you could do with some support in your corner, and I guess he was right.”

 

“So, I guess I should thank that someone, huh?” Justin said quietly, then chuckled. “I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again after I left your loft.”

 

“I wasn't sure either, but I guess Ted kicked my ass right and good,” Brian admitted.

 

“So, he knows?” Justin asked then, his voice quite serious.

 

“Don't worry, you can trust him. He won't tell anyone,” Brian immediately assured the younger man, wanting him to know that he had nothing to worry about.

 

“I doubt it would matter now... Just another headline to sell more magazines,” Justin said dejectedly and Brian could now hear the utter exhaustion in the man's voice.

 

“Ted figured it out when I reacted weirdly to the news about your little gay sex scandal. He knew about me spending time in New York with someone and he just put two and two together when he saw my reaction to seeing you on the cover of a magazine a friend brought to breakfast.”

 

“It's okay, Brian. You don't have to defend yourself. Daphne has always known about you, so... I shouldn't be surprised that you told someone as well.”

 

“I didn't tell him as much as him just looking right through me. Apparently, he knows me that well.”

 

Justin actually had to chuckle then. “The mysterious Brian Kinney uncovered by his CFO... hold the presses!”

 

Justin had remembered Ted's name and knew that he was a friend and employee and had been with Kinnetik from the start. He even vaguely remembered the man from the night he had met Brian under that streetlight outside Babylon ten years ago. Though to be fair he mostly remembered Michael as far as Brian's friends were concerned.

 

“It might be the scandalous story you're waiting for...to divert attention away from yourself,” Brian said quietly.


“I doubt it,” Justin sighed again. “Thanks for trying though.”

 

At that point their call was interrupted by crying. Brian could hear muffled cries of a child in the background as if they were coming through a loudspeaker and he figured that it was probably a baby monitor.

 

“Everything okay?” He asked when he heard Justin move around and mutter unintelligibly.

 

“Yeah, sorry. It's just Lizzie. She must have woken up. She hasn't been sleeping well in recent days. It's like she knows that something is going on. She's been very clingy for a couple of days now.”

 

The crying on the baby monitor got more intense.

 

“Brian, can I... can I call you back? I have to go and see if she's alright.”

 

Brian heard the insecurity in Justin's voice as he asked if he could call Brian back and Brian felt bad that he had put that there, that he made Justin feel that insecure about something as simple as calling him, but then again, he knew that it was his own fault. He had blocked the other man for more than a year and not given him any chance to contact him before.

 

“Yeah, sure. I'll be here. I won't run away,” Brian assured the younger man.

 

“Thanks,” Justin said quietly, then hung up, leaving Brian to stare at the ceiling and run over their previous conversation in his head.

 

While he waited, he got up and got himself a bottle of beer from his fridge, then moved over to his sofa and looked out at the Pittsburgh skyline.

 

It took almost 45 minutes before his phone rang and Justin called him back.

 

“Sorry about that,” the younger man said once Brian took the call.

 

“It's alright. Is she okay?” Brian asked and was surprised to realise that he really cared and wasn't just asking out of politeness.

 

“Yeah, it's just been a tough week for her as well and she's really clingy right now. As if she knows that something is going on,” Justin sighed.

 

“What about your wife?” Brian asked then, quite relieved when he realised that his question had only sounded curious and that there hadn't been anything else in his voice.

 

“I told Daphne I would watch her for the night. She has already been up with Lizzie last night,” Justin explained.

 

“So, those media reports about that custody battle that she's threatening you with…?” Brian asked, then stopped.


“Bullshit. Daph would never do anything like that. She's my best friend and has been a real rock these last two weeks.”

 

“That's good. I am glad she's not causing any trouble,” Brian said honestly.

 

“She never would,” Justin said and his voice sounded absolutely sure. “I told you; she has always known about me being gay, she has always known about you... it's just a bunch of lies the media is making up to sell magazines.”

 

“I figured as much, but still, it's good to hear you don't have to worry about her becoming a problem.”

 

“No, I honestly don't know what I would have done without her these last two weeks,” Justin said quietly.

 

“Do you regret it?” Brian then asked and it was obvious that he had confused Justin with that question.

 

There was a silence for several seconds before Justin responded. “Regret what?”

 

“Giving the interview, coming out,” Brian then clarified.

 

Justin took a deep breath and considered his words carefully before he answered. “Right now? Yeah, I do... I am thinking that maybe the story would have just gone away if I hadn't responded to it, but... Daphne agreed with you... she gave me the same advice you did, so... I am hoping that both of you are right and that it will be alright in the end.”

 

“She sounds like a smart woman,” Brian said appreciatively, happy that he hadn't been the only one pushing Justin in the direction of coming out, but that there had been someone else who had seen things his way as well.

 

“Oh, you would like her. You would get on very well with her,” Justin laughed and it did Brian good to hear that sound from the younger man.

 

“Well, maybe there will be a chance someday to test that theory,” Brian replied and wasn't surprised when his statement was met by utter silence from Justin.

 

“Justin?” He asked when the silence stretched on.

 

“Why did you call, Brian?” Justin asked and Brian could hear that his voice now sounded tense and insecure and he cursed himself for it.

 

“I told you, I wanted to see if you were okay... with everything going on...”

 

“Why? You didn't care for over a year how I was doing...why now?” Justin asked, his voice still sounding strained.

 

“Well, first of all, your face wasn't plastered on every magazine during that year, so I think the situation has changed quite dramatically since then. And... you came and showed up at my place...which was a first step of getting back into contact,” Brian explained, but was immediately interrupted by Justin.

 

“I didn't mean to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. You don't have to check up on me,” Justin said, his voice now sounding utterly void of any emotion.

 

“I never do anything I don't want to do; you should know that by now,” Brian replied seriously, then took a deep breath before he went on. “And I wanted to speak to you...”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I worried about you...What you're going through right now... I just needed to know that you're okay.”

 

“Well, you've done that now, so thanks for checking up on me,” Justin said, still sounding weirdly off to Brian.


“Justin, don't be like that,” Brian sighed, running his hand over his face in frustration. “I know I fucked up, okay? I know I overreacted when I found out about Daphne and your daughter... I know I was an ass to you afterwards, but... I mean it: I worry about you. I want to know that you're okay.”

 

There was a long silence before Justin sighed deeply. “I am sorry. There is just so much going on right now... My emotions are all over the place.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Brian said sincerely. “I understand.”

 

“Thank you for calling, Brian. I really appreciate it,” Justin then said, whispering the last part.

 

“Can I call you again? To check in on you? To make sure that you're okay? To give you a friendly ear to talk to?” Brian asked and now he was the one that sounded surprisingly insecure all of a sudden.

 

“I would like that,” Justin said quietly. “I would really like that. There aren't a lot of people I can trust right now.”

 

“You can trust me,” Brian immediately responded, his voice now full of honesty. “I would never go to the press,” he started to explain, but was interrupted by Justin right away.

 

“I know. I know, Brian. And it means more than I can say.”

 

Brian nodded, then realised that Justin couldn't see him nod. “Okay, I just want you to know that.”

 

“I know,” Justin said once more, hoping that Brian would believe him.

 

“I should let you go. It's late and I am sure your daughter will be up early,” Brian then said next, not knowing what more there was to say right now.

 

Justin chuckled, Lizzie would definitely be up at the crack of dawn. “Yeah, she will be. Thanks for calling, Brian. It... it means a lot.”

 

Brian nodded once more, not caring if Justin could see him or not. “Talk to you later, okay?”


“Okay,” Justin replied, then ended the call.

 

Once the call had ended, Brian continued to stare out of his windows, watching the skyline of Pittsburgh as his mind ran over their conversation again and again.

 

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