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(Pittsburgh, June 2016 - present)
"Brian died that night and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye," Justin wiped his tears and looked out the window. "I still wonder what he must have felt, if he was scared... what he was thinking right before he died... I just can't get it out of my head and I wish I was there with him so he wouldn't be alone and to tell him I'll find him again when my time comes. God, there are so many things I want to tell him... especially how much I love him and how sorry I am..."
"Sorry for what, Justin?" Dr. Brown asked, making Justin furrow his brows as if he didn't understand why she had to ask the obvious. "Tell me."
"For being the reason he's dead," he said a little angrily. "If it wasn't for me… he would still be alive."
"Justin, you already know it was a tragic accident and that no one could have known what was going to happen. Not Daphne, not Brian, not you. And you both forgot to blow out the candles. It could have happened to anyone.… so you really shouldn't blame yourself."
"Candles?" Justin scoffed. "No... this isn't about the damn candles... sure, they're the reason our house burned down, but the reason they were there in the first place was because I was being a fucking idiot, but even if I wasn't... this is about Brian coming back for me. He could have easily gotten out of the house with Gus, but he didn't, instead he came back for me and saved my life. That's why he inhaled so much smoke... he came back for me because he couldn't let me die and he died as a result..."
Once again, Justin's grief began to turn into guilt and self-hatred for what had happened that day. He hated that he was the one who survived and not Brian. It should have been the other way around. It should have been me, Justin thought, his heart sinking.
"Justin, answer me this question. If it was the other way around and Brian had to stay in the bedroom while you went to rescue Gus, would you go back for him, or would you get out of the house with Gus, knowing he would die?"
Justin slightly opened his mouth as he was completely taken aback by her question, but his expression was enough for Dr. Brown to guess what his answer was.
"Then why do you hate yourself so much when you know you would do the same thing he did?"
"Because he's dead," Justin replied, his voice breaking. "You think I don't know that? That I don't tell myself every day that I'd do the same thing he did? I know I would. I wouldn't hesitate for a single second. I would do anything to save him. But you know what? It doesn't matter, because he's dead and I'm still here... and nothing, nothing in the world can change that."
"You're right, nothing can change that. But I'm sure you wouldn't want Brian to feel the way you feel if it was you who died and not him."
"Of course I wouldn't want that," Justin said immediately. "I wouldn't want him to feel guilty... if anything, I'd want him to move on and be happy, but honestly? I knew him too well to know that he would probably feel even worse than I do. He'd hate life without me. And he'd definitely blame himself. And it hurts my soul to know that," he paused, chewing his lip nervously. "But I just don't know what to do. I wanna feel normal again. But he was a really huge part of my life and I can't just erase that... when I first met him I was just a naive kid who didn't know shit about anything... and he helped me become the man I am today, and when I think back to the best moments of my life, he's in every single memory, he was just everything to me... and it's only been three years since I lost him, and I can't just move on... and I probably never will."
"It's okay to feel this way, Justin. You're grieving and you have every right not to be ready to move on. You've lost the love of your life and there's no cure to help you deal with it. It's a long, hard process. But I'm here to help you through it. No matter how long it takes. And you have family and people who are also ready to help you however they can. And the most important thing is that you want that help. You want to face that pain, and that's a big step."
"Yeah." Justin sighed softly. "I'm just scared. That no matter how hard I try, I'll always feel like this. But I don't want to give up, I want to fight and start living again. I owe it to the people around me, I owe it to him, and I owe it to myself."
"That's good," the doctor smiled. "But until you believe that Brian's death wasn't your fault, you won't be able to fully heal."
"I know," Justin sighed again. "So what do I do?" he looked at her desperately.
"You said there were a lot of things you wanted to tell him."
"Yeah, but I can't."
"Maybe not in the way you'd like, but there's always a way."
"What?" Justin furrowed his brows in confusion.
"I want you to write a letter."
"A letter?" Justin asked to make sure he heard correctly.
"Yes, a letter," the doctor nodded. "I want you to write in it everything you want Brian to know. And I want you to bring the letter to our next session."
Justin didn't know what to think, but at this point he was willing to try anything. So he agreed and then headed home. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He had just spent an hour telling every little detail of the worst day of his life. And he felt sad, angry and relieved all at the same time. But he knew that he had just taken a big step that was just the beginning, and as scary as what lay ahead seemed, he wanted to face it.
And on the way home, he decided it was time to take one more step today. He'd been avoiding it for a really long time, but avoidance never helped anything. He knew that now.
"Oh, my God, Justin." Jennifer gasped, completely taken aback when she opened the door.
"Hi, Mom." Justin smiled, but the shame was palpable on his face.
Jennifer just stared at her son, unable to believe her eyes, which were slowly filling with tears. "What are you doing here?" She finally asked.
"I've been in Pittsburgh for a few weeks now... and I know I should have come sooner... much sooner, but..." Justin's voice broke.
"No, no... the important thing is that you're here now." Jennifer couldn't control herself anymore and pulled Justin into her arms.
For a moment he just stood still, trying to process everything, and then he finally put his arms tightly around his mother and immediately felt a rush of happiness and joy.
After a while they went into the house and sat down with a cup of tea. But neither of them knew where to start.
"You're so different," Jennifer smiled. "So grown up. God, I've missed you so much."
"Mom," Justin began uncertainly. "I came here because I want to apologize for the way I acted... and for disappearing from your life..."
"Justin, honey, please don't apologize. What you went through was horrible and I don't want you to think for one second that I'm angry with you, okay? You don't know how many times I wanted to call you, but I knew you needed time, and when the time was right, you would come... and look, you're here," she reached out to him with a smile and stroked his hair.
"I know, but I need to say this... when I lost Brian, everything went black and I mean everything, and I just didn't know how to function anymore... and you reminded me of the worst moment of my life, because every time I looked at you, I heard those words over and over again... I heard you say that Brian died... and I just couldn't listen to it anymore... so I cut you off because I didn't want to relive that moment when my world fell apart every time I was around you... but I realize that I must have hurt you a lot, and I want you to know that I'm really sorry," tears started streaming down his face.
"Oh, honey." Jennifer reached out and hugged him. "You did what you had to do. I only lost you for a little while, you lost Brian forever... so you had every right to grieve the way you needed to. Even if it meant cutting me off. I could never be mad at you for that."
Justin hugged Jennifer even tighter, just like he did when he was a little boy every time he got hurt, because he knew she was the only one who could comfort him.
"Where are you staying? With Debbie?"
"No, I'm staying with Michael and Ben. Michael is actually the reason I'm in Pittsburgh... he was very persistent and didn't give up until I agreed to come," Justin smiled.
"He's a good friend."
"Yeah, annoying, but good," he chuckled.
Jennifer smiled before taking a deep breath. "I visited Brian's grave... on the anniversary of his death."
"You did?"
"Yes, I brought him flowers. I do it every year."
Justin bit his lip, trying to stop the tears. "I didn't last two minutes at his grave, we all went there, but I just couldn't face it, so I left like a coward... and the worst part is that I didn't even think to tell you to come with us."
"Justin," Jennifer grabbed his hand. "Stop blaming yourself so much. You need to heal, not be angry about everything all the time."
"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "That's why I'm in therapy."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Today was the first time I was able to tell what happened that day... I've never said it out loud to anyone. With all the details. It was so scary... but liberating at the same time."
"I'm really proud of you, Justin. It must have been hard to keep it to yourself all those years."
"Yeah, but I still can't shake the feeling that it was my fault... I can't stop thinking about it, I keep replaying in my head that if he hadn't come back for me, he'd be alive right now..."
"Justin, don't say that. If he hadn't come back for you, you wouldn't be sitting here right now and it would be Brian who would be absolutely devastated. I know I don't even remotely understand how you feel, and I know you would give anything to get Brian back, I would give anything too, because believe me, I miss him every day, but Brian saved you because he loved you. And that's nobody's fault. He gave you a second chance at life, so don't throw it away."
Justin was used to people telling him that it wasn't his fault, and while there were times when he really tried to believe it, he never did, but hearing those words from his mother had a completely different effect on him for some reason.
He spent a few more hours with her, making up for lost time, and when it was time to head to Michael and Ben's house, he promised to visit her again soon. He never wanted to hurt his mother like that again. But he also knew that if he didn't want to hurt the people around him anymore, he had to stop hurting himself first.
"Justin!" Michael immediately got up from the couch to make sure he was okay. "We were worried about you."
"I'm fine, Michael."
"Where have you been?"
"I was with Dr. Brown. And with my mom," he smiled.
"Really?" Michael was obviously surprised and proud.
"Yeah."
"And how did it go?"
"Fine and fine."
"I'd like details!"
"Not today, I'm tired. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"
"I'll grit my teeth and try not to go crazy with my thoughts," he replied with a laugh.
"Thanks," Justin laughed as well and headed upstairs.
He quickly took off his clothes and crawled into bed. He was exhausted after today and all he wanted and needed was a good night's sleep.
"Hey," a very familiar voice whispered.
"Oh shit!" Justin rolled off the bed in shock and immediately heard Brian's loud laughter. "I hope you're having a good time!"
"I always have a good time, Sunshine. Especially when you're falling on your ass."
Justin frowned, but couldn't resist a smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm pretty sure you wanted to see me."
"I wanted to sleep."
"And yet here I am!"
"I'm really tired, Brian." Justin climbed back into bed and lay down with his back to Brian.
"All right then, I'll let you sleep."
"No!" Justin turned quickly to him. "Don't leave. Not yet. I'm not ready."
"But eventually you will be," Brian smiled sadly.
"Yeah, eventually... but I just need more time with you..."
"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, not until you want me to."
"Good," Justin smiled and snuggled closed to him. And then, with a peaceful smile, he fell asleep.
Maybe he wasn't ready now, but he knew that eventually the right moment would come when he would be able to let Brian go, which was more than he had thought just a few hours ago, and Justin was taking it as a really good start... sad, but good.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Yeah, this has taken me a long time, but we finally have a new chapter! Yay! And we only have a few more to go, so bear with me... hopefully it won't take me another year to finish it.