(Pittsburgh, Sunday, May 26, 2013 - past)
Justin was lying in the hospital bed, completely numb, with dried tears on his cheeks. He wasn't even crying anymore. He just didn't have the strength to do so and was barely aware of what had just happened. All he could do was stare into space. He could hear voices, but they seemed so distant, he simply couldn't pinpoint who the voices belonged to, but he could tell that they were all filled with sadness, pain, and utter devastation, desperately trying to understand that they had just lost a loved one. That they had just lost Brian.
"What the hell happened?" Michael asked tearfully, trying to take in the fact that his best friend, who he thought of as a brother, was dead. "He can't be gone," he sobbed and was completely heartbroken.
"Michael," Ben grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug.
"Jennifer, you were here, what... what exactly happened? Because I really don't understand," Debbie asked through her tears, trying to keep it together.
"Um, when... when I arrived, Brian seemed fine, Justin obviously seemed much worse, but they wanted to keep Brian overnight because they didn't like his coughing, they wanted to run some tests to make sure everything was fine... but when I went to his room to make sure he was really there, I could already see the doctors running to him.... I immediately ran too... and I watched them try to save him for what seemed like forever, but... it was too late," she paused, still shaking from what she had witnessed. "They said he had a heart attack from inhaling too much smoke, his heart just couldn't take it, they said it happens, everything seems fine one minute and the next..."
"If they know it's something that happens, why the hell didn't they do the tests right away?" Michael asked angrily.
"Brian didn't want to." Jennifer tried to keep her voice low, knowing Justin would blame himself. "He wanted to make sure Justin was okay first. But even if they had done them immediately, it probably wouldn't have made any difference, his heart was just in a really bad shape..."
"Oh my God." Lindsay put her hand over her mouth and quickly ran to the bathroom, immediately throwing up.
Emmett and Ted immediately followed to comfort her, although they were completely devastated and unable to process the situation themselves. Melanie, meanwhile, stayed in the hallway with Gus, not wanting him to hear any of it, he still didn't even know his dad wasn't coming back, and no one knew how to tell him... so the last thing he needed right now was to see how devastated everyone was. Even though Melanie herself was struggling to hold back tears.
"Are you okay?" Debbie asked when Lindsay returned from the bathroom with the guys.
"No... I'm not, not even a little bit. My son could have... and Brian... he... I just don't understand what the hell happened... because... oh, my God." Lindsay broke down in tears again, she simply couldn't find the words, no one could.
Brian meant so much to everyone that there was no doubt that his loss would change them forever.
"I'd like to see him," Justin spoke suddenly, his voice almost inaudible and weak, but that didn't change what he wanted... and needed.
They all immediately fell silent and exchanged glances, no one sure exactly what Justin wanted, even though deep down they knew it. And it scared them.
"Justin," Jennifer breathed. "You want to, uh..." she couldn't even say it.
"I want to see him. I want to see his body." Justin finally turned his gaze to them, a gaze that was full of pain, yet determined.
"But Justin, that... that's probably not a good idea."
"Don't fucking tell me what's a good idea," he snapped at Jennifer, who was taken aback but understood. "I need to see him."
"Honey, I know this is hard, but maybe you should..." Debbie said and stepped closer to his bed. "I just think..."
"Deb, I don't care what you think... I just want to see Brian. And either you help me or I'll do it myself."
"I'll get the doctor," Jennifer said and left the room.
After a while, she returned with Justin's doctor and Justin explained his request. She wasn't surprised at all, she was used to this, the family of the deceased always wanted to see their loved one one more time and say goodbye. So she agreed despite Justin's condition, knowing he needed it.
"I'll be back in fifteen minutes," the doctor said and left.
"Thank you." Justin replied weakly, turning his head to look out the window.
And no one dared say a word, they just waited quietly with Justin for the doctor to come back while they worried about what seeing Brian's body might do to him. They just wanted what was best for him, but they had to respect Justin's wishes no matter how scary it was.
"Are you ready?" The doctor asked when she returned.
Justin didn't say anything for a moment, almost as if considering whether this was a good idea after all, but knowing what he needed, he finally said, "Yes, I am."
"Okay."
She then helped him into the wheelchair and Justin really had to fight the pain he was in, but he was determined to see Brian no matter what. The others decided to wait in the room because they knew it was something Justin had to do alone.
All the way there - wherever that was, though Justin had a pretty good idea - was excruciating. Not because of the pain, though it made him bite his lip, but because he was scared to death. A few times he almost yelled at her to stop and take him back to his room. His heart was just racing. And he didn't know if he could do it. To see him like that. But not seeing him somehow sounded even worse.
They took the elevator all the way down and he could tell it was a completely different part of the hospital. So quiet and cold. And the smell was different, too. Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. This was where Brian was? All alone?
"We're here," the doctor said as she stopped in front of the white door.
"Is this the morgue?" Justin hated to even ask.
"No, I mean the morgue is located on this floor, but we've put Mr. Kinney in a private room so you can spend some time with him and say goodbye."
"Oh." Justin didn't even know how to feel about it, it all still seemed unreal to him.
"Or did you change your mind?" she asked when she saw Justin's face.
"No," Justin said quickly. "I want to see him. I'm just... scared. But I want to do it. Please."
"Okay then," she gave him a smile.
She went to open the door and Justin felt panic rising in him. But there was no turning back. Because within seconds the room opened and he saw it. The table Brian was lying on. He was completely covered, but still... it was him. His Brian.
The doctor then wheeled him to the table, and Justin suddenly felt really doubtful. He knew that the moment he saw him, his whole world would change. But that had already happened anyway, so...
"Are you ready?" The doctor asked.
"I don't know." Justin said, his voice shaking. "I'm afraid that the moment I see him, it'll become real. I have this feeling inside me that he's just going to show up and be okay, but... that's not going to happen," he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second before he said, "Okay, just do it."
She nodded and Justin held his breath, waiting for her to pull down the white sheet and reveal Brian's body, and when she did, he immediately gasped and knew he would never get this image out of his head. "Oh my God," he breathed out.
"I'll give you some privacy."
Justin waited until the door closed behind her and grabbed Brian's hand. He was immediately shocked by how cold he was. He hadn't expected him to be so cold. It was just heartbreaking. And all he wanted to do was to make him warm.
"Brian," Justin whimpered and started stroking his hair. "I need you... I can't be without you... I don't know how to be without you," he sobbed.
Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he desperately stroked Brian's hand. He knew Brian was no longer there, that it was just his body, he was aware of the harsh reality, he could think rationally... but none of that could change how much he wished Brian would open his eyes, and the sadness clouded his mind completely, so he was willing to wait quietly for a miracle that could never come...
"Brian, please... please... please come back to me," he cried desperately, barely able to see through his tears. "I love you so much, please... come back... we have to be together... we're supposed to spend our lives together..."
No matter how much Justin begged and how devastated he was, nothing could change the fact that Brian was dead. He then pressed his head against Brian's chest and just cried silently. He was completely broken, as was his heart and soul.
"I'm so sorry," he sobbed softly.
----
(Pittsburgh, June 2016 - present)
Justin awoke screaming from the nightmare that was actually a memory he had been trying to suppress all these years. He could feel his body covered in sweat and shaking. He could never regret his decision to see Brian one last time, but he knew full well that seeing him like that, seeing his body... that was what had left the biggest mark on him. An image he would never be able to get out of his head.
"Justin, are you okay?" Michael rushed into his room, absolutely terrified.
"Sorry, Mikey, I'm fine... it was just a nightmare... I didn't mean to scare you."
"God." Michael clutched his chest. "That must have been one hell of a nightmare."
"Well, it was more of a memory."
"A memory?"
"Yeah," Justin sighed.
Michael sat down on his bed. "Which one?"
"The one when I saw his body..."
"Oh."
"Yeah," Justin looked down.
"Have you ever regretted it?" Mike asked after a moment.
"I could never regret it because I really needed to see him, I couldn't just walk away as if he never existed... but I'll never be able to forget how awful it was to see him lying there and begging him to wake up."
"I remember when the doctor brought you back... you looked like a body without a soul... and for the next few days you hardly said anything..."
"I don't even remember that."
"Yeah, it was like you weren't even there... plus they kept giving you painkillers that made you pretty tired, so you slept most of the time, which was probably a good thing..." he smiled sadly.
Justin could feel his eyes watering. "I really don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for you and Ben..."
"Justin," Michael breathed out.
"It's true, if you hadn't taken me in and been there for me every day and tried to make my life as good as possible... I probably never would have gotten out of bed. Whenever I had a nightmare and woke up screaming... when I needed help to the bathroom... even help getting dressed... you cooked for me... you did everything for me. And I didn't even thank you for it, instead I ran away to New York..."
"You needed to get out of here, everything here reminded you of him."
"Yeah, but maybe that was the problem, maybe if I had faced it then instead of running away, things would have been different today... I don't even have anything that belonged to him... just the bracelet..."
"Wait here," Michael said suddenly and left the room.
Justin was confused and waited for Mikey to return and when he did, he was holding a box which he then placed on the bed in front of Justin.
"What is it?"
"Everything I was able to salvage from your house... I went there a few days after the fire," he explained.
"What?" Justin let out a breath, completely taken aback.
"I wanted to give it to you a long time ago, but I knew you weren't ready, but... something tells me you're ready now."
Justin's heart raced, he never thought he'd see anything that belonged to Brian, that belonged to both of them, ever again, he thought he'd lost it all in that fire... so the fact that a small part of it was in this box really meant a lot to him.
Justin then opened it and began to look at everything carefully. Mostly it was just little things, but there were three things that immediately had his attention.
The first one was a photo of them together, the glass of the frame was shattered, but it didn't matter, only what was underneath was important. It was their wedding photo, they looked so happy in it... and they really were.
"I thought I'd never see it again," Justin smiled through the tears.
Next up was Brian's black shirt, one of many, but undeniably still smelling like him. It seemed impossible considering everything the shirt had been through and how long it had been since the fire, but Justin would recognize his scent anywhere. He immediately pressed it to his face and inhaled the scent for several long seconds.
And then he looked at the third and most unexpected thing - a drawing Justin had done at the very beginning of their relationship, a drawing he'd thought until this moment had been bought by a stranger. A drawing of Brian naked.
"He was the one who bought it?" Justin asked in surprise.
"Yeah, I didn't know either, Brian's little secret I guess," Michael chuckled.
"We'd only known each other for a few weeks and I already meant something to him."
"And you ended up meaning everything to him."
Justin smiled and pressed the drawing, the shirt, and their wedding photo to his chest. It was such a strange feeling, for the first time in a really long time he was able to feel something other than anger, sadness and pain... he was able to feel joy. Indescribable joy.
To be continued.
Taylor-Kinney is the author of 30 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 2 members. Members who liked Burning From The Inside also liked 272 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 2 members. Members who liked Burning From The Inside also liked 272 other stories.