I was beginning to get the impression that I was going to have to ask Dorothy for a plan for this damn house, because it really felt like I was going in circles. And I was worried that while I was wandering around, Justin had somehow managed to get back to the living room (which, by the way, I had no idea how to find again either), but I was really hoping that wasn't the case because I really needed to talk to him. Well, I needed a lot more than that - like touches and kisses and feeling the warmth of his skin against mine - but talking would have to do for now.
I just didn't know exactly what to say to him to convince him to choose me, knowing deep down that he'd be an idiot to give all this up. And as hard as it was to admit it, I could tell that the guy actually loved him (or maybe he was just that good at faking it) which I knew how easy it was. I mean, what's not to love? But as selfish as it sounds, I simply couldn't live with the knowledge that someone else was making him happy.
Just as I was beginning to think that Justin might have actually left the house, I finally saw a light coming from one of the rooms. The door was slightly open so I immediately peeked in through the crack and what I saw next was something I thought I would never see again and my heart actually fluttered with happiness. Justin was in the middle of changing his clothes and the only thing he had on were black pants that were still unbuttoned and made his ass look absolutely perfect and all I could do was stare at his beauty. I mean, I always loved his body, but I just couldn't deny what was right in front of me. He's changed. He wasn't a kid anymore. He was a grown man. And the thought of never kissing him, touching him, or being with him again made me feel absolutely horrible.
But suddenly I snapped back to reality when I realized that what I was doing was not okay. Justin wasn't mine - at least not now - and watching him like that was just wrong. So I slowly and quietly started backing away from the door until I felt the wall behind me and I immediately leaned against it. I closed my eyes and tried to process everything that was happening. It still felt like a dream.
"Brian?"
My heart immediately stopped and I held my breath. And despite being terrified, I opened my eyes. But what I suddenly felt was far from anything negative, because all I wanted was to push him back into that room and close the door behind us. Fortunately, I had enough control not to do that. Although it was hard.
"I thought I heard someone," he said. "But I didn't think it was you."
"Well, it is me," I breathed a chuckle.
But it didn't make him laugh or anything, instead he simply asked, "What are you doing here, Brian?"
And I gave him the stupidest answer ever, "I was looking for the bathroom."
"No, Brian, what are you doing here?"
"Oh," I swallowed hard. "I told you, I'm here for the wedding."
"Brian," he sighed. "I really don't know what to tell you."
"Something," I said almost desperately, taking a step towards him. "Anything. Just... please talk to me."
I stood before him with my naked heart ready to fight for him, but the look he gave me was something I had never seen before. I hardly recognized him.
"You really shouldn't be here, Brian," he said without any emotion on his face.
It was hard to see him so cold, and I wasn't sure if he'd really changed that much in those four years, or if it was just his way of protecting his heart. But knowing how many times I'd hurt him, I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter.
"There was a reason I didn't send you the invitation. Why couldn't you just stay away?" he asked, almost angrily.
"I think that's obvious," I replied without any hesitation. "But if you really want me to leave, I will," I didn't really want to say it, but I needed to trigger some emotion in him, hoping he wouldn't actually tell me to leave.
But to my surprise, he didn't say anything, he didn't even flinch. It was like he was really ready to let me go.
"I see. Sorry for bothering you," was all I could say before I turned to leave.
"Wait..."
Before I could react, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his bedroom, closing the door behind us. I have to admit that it made my heart race, but at the same time I was so angry with him that I wanted to yell at him more than I wanted to sleep with him. And that was saying something.
He just stared at me for about a minute, making me even more nervous, if that was even possible, before he finally said, "I just don't want to hurt you, okay?"
"It's a little late for that, don't you think?"
"More than I already did," he added, barely looking at me, as if he was afraid of what he might see.
And I knew it was time to say what needed to be said. "I hurt you, you hurt me, but it doesn't matter, okay? I just want us to start over... I want to give us another chance. Because I just can't live another day of my life without you in it."
Justin's eyes suddenly filled with tears and it broke my heart a little to tell the truth. I didn't know if he was crying because it was something he'd wanted to hear for a really long time, or because he couldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. But seeing him like that, I just wanted to comfort him, so I closed the distance between us, still holding back a little, but letting him know I was there for him.
"Brian, I... we... I just..." his voice was shaky and it was obvious he couldn't find the words.
"Justin," there was only a tiny gap between us and I grabbed his chin, making him look into my eyes. "Tell me you want to be with me too."
"Briane, please..."
"I can't lose you," I pressed my forehead against his and he actually leaned into me. And that feeling was incredible.
At least until it wasn't.
"You've already lost me," he breathed out, pulling away.
And I was completely caught off guard. When I decided to come here and fight for him, I knew there was a good chance this would happen, but I still couldn't believe it. This was not the Justin I knew. He wouldn't give up on us that easily.
"What the hell happened to you?"
"Nothing, Brian, it's still me."
"But you don't want to be with me. Got it."
I just couldn't look at him anymore, so I turned and left the room. My emotions were all over the place and all I wanted to do was grab my things and get on the first flight back to Pittsburgh. But when I finally found my room by some miracle, I collapsed on my bed and just stared at the ceiling. But it was getting harder and harder to see clearly as my eyes began to well up with tears.