It was no secret that I've always loved luxury and expensive things, but the big beautiful bed I occupied tonight brought me nothing but misery. Knowing that Justin was lying in a bed just like this one, pressed against the British guy just a few rooms down the hall, was absolutely unbearable. So much so that I just tossed and turned all night trying not to think about what was probably going on in their room while Justin's words - words I never thought I'd hear him say - played in my head like a fucking song.
I mean, I've heard a lot of fucked up things in my life, especially from my own parents, words full of hate, contempt and rejection, but that was nothing compared to hearing the love of my life say that I'd already lost him. Because that cut deeper than anything else. But I still wasn't ready to accept it.
"Daddy!" Gus unexpectedly jumped onto my bed with that adorable laugh of his.
"How come you're up so early, sonny boy?" I stroked his soft hair.
"Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but mommies sent me here to annoy you a little," he chuckled with a mischievous grin.
"Oh, you don't say," I rubbed my chin.
"Yeah, and as you know, I have to do what they say, so..." he quickly grabbed the nearest pillow, letting me know what he was about to do.
And I didn't even have time to defend myself, the kid came into my room with a mission and nothing could stop him. And not gonna lie, he was beating the shit out of me with that pillow, he was pretty strong for a nine year old. Guess he really was my boy. And it was definitely nice to take my mind off everything that was going on with Justin and just enjoy some time with my son. Especially since I didn't get to see him as much as I would have liked.
But then I glanced over at the door and saw Justin leaning against the doorframe with his arms across his chest and a big smile on his face just watching us and I was immediately snapped back to reality, instantly feeling my heart pounding.
"Hey," I smiled, hoping that maybe Justin got a good night's sleep and we'd get a second chance to talk.
But of course I didn't get the reaction I wanted.
"Sorry, I was just walking by and heard you two… and I wanted to… um never mind," he quickly turned around and disappeared.
I immediately closed my eyes and took a big breath. It was so frustrating. The way he looked at me made me think that somewhere deep down he still loved me, but the way he acted, so icy and distant, made me feel like he couldn't wait to get rid of me. And it was killing me.
"He's sad, isn't he, Dad?"
"Yeah, I guess he is."
But the question was, why exactly was he sad? Was it because he knew he was marrying the wrong guy or was it because I was ruining the happiest moments of his life with my presence? Damn, I wish someone would actually answer me. Preferably him.
"I'm hungry," Gus muttered.
"Yeah? Come to think of it, so am I, actually," I chuckled.
I put on some clothes and before I knew it, Gus was dragging me by the hand into the kitchen. I was surprised he even knew where it was, the kid had a better sense of direction than I did.
He begged me to make him pancakes but I wasn't sure I was even allowed to touch the fancy kitchen stuff, something told me I was going to have to ask Dorothy to make them. But anything for my son. And I actually needed something sweet, too.
But I lost my appetite the moment we entered the kitchen. To explain my reason... Justin was pressed up against the fridge, with Scott's hand dangerously close to his crotch and his tongue down his throat. Yeah, I was definitely never going to eat again.
"Shit, sorry," I said, instinctively covering Gus's eyes with my hand and quickly leaving with him.
Then I had to take a few deep breaths. It wasn't like I'd never seen Justin with another man, Christ, most of the time I even enjoyed it, but this was different... because there were feelings involved.
"Why are you two standing here like this?" Debbie asked confused.
"Uncle Justin and that gentleman are making out in the kitchen," Gus made a disgusted face, the same one I probably made.
"Oh, shit," She clearly didn't know what else to say.
"Language, Grandma." Gus giggled.
But I didn't feel like laughing, in fact I didn't even feel like staying. "I need some air," I said, and left without saying another word.
And the moment I was standing in front of the house, I pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one. I never felt like cigarettes had a calming effect on me, but right now I was willing to try anything.
"Can I have one?" Melanie suddenly appeared next to me.
"I thought you stopped."
"Yeah, Lindsay thinks so too, so let's keep it to ourselves, okay?"
I laughed and gave her one. "Trust me, I don't give a flying fuck about your extracurricular activities."
"Good," she smiled. "And how are you holding up?"
"Christ, not you too," I sighed. "The last thing I need is for you to feel sorry for me like everyone else. I prefer it when you call me an asshole and hate me."
"Hate is a strong word," she nudged my shoulder. "But you are an asshole."
"Sorry?" I arched my brows.
"You're here because you want Justin back, right?"
"Obviously."
"Then why the fuck aren't you doing everything you can to make it happen?"
"Maybe because he's making it pretty clear that he wants me out of his life?"
She scoffed, taking a drag from her cigarette. "If he really wanted you out of his life, you'd know it and you wouldn't be standing here now. So you have to fight, because you still have time, so don't waste it. And don't even think about giving up. Because if there's anyone he should say 'I do' to, it's you."
I smiled and really appreciated her saying that. And she was right, no matter how scary it was, I still had time to prove to Justin that I really was ready to give him what he'd always wanted. Because I wanted it just as much.