Having Justin so close to me definitely put me in a difficult situation. Even the car seemed smaller than it actually was. But Justin just looked so hot behind the wheel. And this was coming from someone who always hated sitting in the passenger seat. Well, not now. Now I was deeply enjoying it. I mean, I obviously wasn't enjoying the fact that Michael was sitting right behind us or the dead silence that had been with us since we left the house, but... God, he smelled so good. And he smelled expensive. This wasn't some cheap drugstore shit, this smelled like money. And while I always preferred his natural scent, this definitely made me crave him even more.
The problem was that Justin looked like he wished he was literally anywhere else instead of here with me. And I just couldn't figure out what made him hate me so much. All I could hope for was that underneath the hate, there was still love.
"This is a really nice car," Michael said suddenly, clearly trying to fill the awkward silence. "Right, Brian?"
I immediately glared at his reflection in the rearview mirror. Whatever he was trying to do, I wanted no part of it. "Uh huh," I muttered.
"Thanks," Justin replied shortly.
"It must have cost you a fortune."
"Scott actually gave it to me for my birthday."
Oh great, sore subject. Birthdays just weren't my thing. Anyone who knew me knew that. It wasn't that I didn't acknowledge or give a damn, I just didn't want to show that I did. And unfortunately, the only time I decided to give him something for his birthday was also the time I totally fucked up... and pushed him into another man's arms. Not my finest moment. I don't even know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't thinking at all. But in some weird way, I guess I was giving him the opportunity to leave and he ended up taking it. And as much as I hated the way he did it, sneaking around behind my back, breaking our rules, breaking my heart, in the end it was what made us stronger.
"Oh, that explains a lot," Michael chuckled. "Shit, sorry, I didn't mean it like that... just that he's a nice guy..."
"He is," Justin replied firmly.
"Mhmhm," Michael hummed. "So how did you two meet?"
Christ, was he trying to get me to murder him? Because I really didn't need to hear all the details of their big lovestory. All I needed was for it to be over.
"Um," Justin cleared his throat. "That's a long story."
Okay, that got me intrigued. Was there a reason he didn't want to share?
"I think we've got time," Michael insisted.
"Uh," he gave me a quick nervous glance before focusing back on the road ahead. "I'm not sure if you know this, but... he's a doctor."
Of course he is, I thought, rolling my eyes. But then I realized there must be a reason he mentioned that detail.
"I see, you've found yourself a catch." Michael laughed.
"Well, one time I had this really bad allergic reaction and my roommate I was living with at the time took me to the emergency room... where Scott was," Justin explained. "I had to stay in the hospital for a few days and he kept me company whenever he could," he smiled.
My stomach immediately tightened at the thought of Justin being in the hospital and me not even knowing about it. If I had known, I would have been on the first plane to New York. And this romance with Scott might have been avoided.
"And when I got discharged, he asked me out," he continued. "He said he wanted to do it from the first moment he saw me, despite the fact that I couldn't breathe and looked absolutely terrible, but he wanted it to be appropriate so he waited until the time was right."
"So romantic," I said mockingly, I just couldn't help myself.
And as expected, he immediately shot me a look. "If there's something you want to tell me, Brian, go ahead," he snapped, staring at me with piercing eyes.
"Well, actually, there's quite a few things on my mind," I replied angrily, staring back.
"Red light!" Michael shouted, causing Justin to slam on the brakes until the tires screeched. "Well, why don't you save this conversation for later? I'd hate for us to die over this," he said, breathing heavily.
Shocked by what had just happened, we silently agreed and didn't speak for the rest of the ride. But it was obvious that we were both struggling and barely holding back the urge to say what we wanted to say.
"We're here." Justin announced as he pulled up to the curb. "There's a bar right over there that you might like. I'll go get the wine. The store is just down the street. Would you mind ordering me..."
"Margarita," I finished for him.
"You remember," he smiled, almost surprised.
"Of course I do. It's your favorite drink."
His face suddenly lit up and for a moment he seemed to forget that he was angry (or whatever) with me. And I was just drowning in his blue eyes. But then Michael cleared his throat, reminding us of his existence, and we just snapped back to reality, where Justin avoided eye contact.
"I'm going to get the wine," he said and quickly left.
And all I could do was stare after him, feeling such mixed feelings. And I wished I could just read him like I used to. Because this was extremely frustrating.
"What?" I said sharply, noticing the way Michael was looking at me.
"Are you really going to just stand here and do nothing?" he lifted his eyebrow.
I opened my mouth to respond, but quickly realized there was nothing to say... at least not to Michael. Justin was the one I needed to talk to. So I stopped wasting time and went after him, and as scary as it was, I was determined to finally make some progress.
As soon as I was outside the liquor store, I saw him through the window. He was chatting with the clerk and smiling broadly. I immediately felt the butterflies. This was the Justin I fell in love with. The Justin who made my life a million times better. The Justin I wanted back.
As I was pacing nervously waiting for him to come out, I was quietly preparing the most important speech of my life. "Justin… you're the love of my life and we belong together… you may not see it that way now but it's true… I realize that I may not deserve you and that I can be an ass sometimes… well, most of the time ... but I really hope you'll give us another chance because..." I stopped mid-sentence, realizing how ridiculous that sounded. "Christ, this isn't a fucking hetero movie. Pull yourself together, Kinney," I said, clearing my throat. "Justin, I would really appreciate it if you didn't marry the dark-haired and much sexier version of Prince William, not that Prince William isn't sexy, but that's beside the point... well, what I'm trying to say is... I don't fucking know what I'm trying to say," I sighed in frustration, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Justin-"
"Brian?" I suddenly heard him behind me.
"Fuck!" I exclaimed and quickly turned around. "Hi," I smiled.
"What are you doing here?" he furrowed his brows.
"Um, I just... wanted to see if you needed any help."
"It's just one bottle of wine," he replied, clearly confused as hell.
"Yeah, but isn't it heavy?" I chuckled nervously.
"Brian, what... what are you doing?"
I took a deep breath, realizing that I finally had to face the inevitable. "We need to talk."
He didn't seem surprised, he probably expected it sooner or later, but he certainly didn't seem happy either. "I can't do this right now," he said and was about to leave.
But I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a quiet alley. "Yes, Justin, now. We're going to talk whether you like it or not."
He looked at me with wide angry eyes, "You, of all people, want to talk? You? The Brian I know would rather have his teeth pulled than have a serious conversation."
"What can I say, things change."
He laughed in disbelief. "Well, there's nothing to talk about, Brian."
"We both know that's not true."
"I'm getting married, okay?!" He exclaimed in a way that made it hard to tell if he was trying to convince me or himself.
"Believe me, I'm aware... what I don't understand is why..."
"What?"
"Why are you getting married?"
"What kind of stupid question is that? Why am I getting married? I don't know, Brian, maybe because I want to?"
"Let me rephrase that... why are you marrying him? Because I thought we..."
"There's no such thing as 'we', Brian. Just because you showed up at my door unannounced after four years doesn't mean I'm going to throw my whole life away."
Okay, that hurt. He certainly knew how to make it painful.
"Then why the hell did you call me?"
"What?"
"You called me a few days ago and left a voicemail... you said..."
"I know what I said," he sighed.
"Then don't pretend that I don't mean anything to you... that you don't love me anymore..."
Justin just stared at me, his eyes slowly filling with tears and his lips parted. His face was suddenly full of sadness and pain and after a moment a tear rolled down his cheek and all I wanted to do was step closer to him and wipe it away with my thumb, but I knew that would only make it worse. So I just stood there and we stared into each other's eyes in silence. And then the words came out of Justin's mouth, so quiet that I almost didn't hear them, yet so beautiful that I felt a spark of hope again. "I could never stop loving you... not even for a second."