My heart was beating so fricking fast I really thought I was going to pass out. I just couldn't believe I said it out loud. It just blew right out of my mouth. But no matter how hard I tried to deny it, it was true. I still loved him. I never stopped. How could I? Once you fall in love with Brian Kinney, it never goes away. The feeling of being with him simply never left my mind... and certainly not my heart. He was and still is the love of my life. My first love. The man I wanted to spend my life with. No matter how hard things got, I always knew he would be there, right by my side. Even when we weren't on good terms, I knew I could count on him. And I knew I would be forever grateful for his love and for what we once had, because without it, I wouldn't be the man I was today.
But... I was now living a completely different life. With a man who loved me and whom I loved. Yeah, maybe the love we had with Scott didn't feel the same as the one I shared with Brian, because nothing could ever match that, not even in a million years, but it was still love. A different kind of love. The love I needed to heal and move on. And now I needed Brian to understand that and let me go.
He might not see it now, but it truly was the best thing for both of us. Because no matter how much we loved each other and were willing to do anything for each other, we would never move in the same direction. At least not without sacrifices on both sides. And we've already established once that it wouldn't be right. So it was finally time to admit that we just weren't meant to be, no matter how much we wished otherwise.
"Then why Justin?" Brian finally spoke after being completely stunned. "Why the hell are you marrying him if you still love me?"
"Because... because for the last two years Scott has been there for me, loving me, supporting me, helping me, trying to be the best man he could be for me... even though he knew my heart would never be fully with him," I admitted and it made me feel absolutely miserable. "But I love him, Brian. Of course I'll never love anyone the way I love you, but... I want to be with him. And I need you to accept that."
"God," he suddenly laughed, making me furrow my brows. "That's some bullshit, and you know it."
"Excuse me?"
"I know you, Justin, and this isn't you. You may have fooled yourself into believing that Scott and his pretty house and expensive gifts is what you want, but we both know what the truth is."
"Oh yeah? And what's that?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "Enlighten me."
"You'll never be happy with him, you'll just settle for him because he's the safer option."
My eyebrows shot up. "Do you really think that? Or are you just having trouble accepting that I've found someone who's willing to give what I want from life?" I said angrily without thinking.
And of course he didn't hold back either. "You mean a boring, predictable, and most of all fake relationship? Because, like you said yourself, your heart will never be completely his... do you really think that's fair to him?"
It wasn't like he said anything I hadn't thought about a million times myself, of course I was afraid I'd end up hurting Scott, but I had to believe that he and I had a real future ahead of us because unlike Brian and I, we actually wanted the same things.
"Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe our relationship is doomed, and maybe I'm lying to him and most of all to myself, but that doesn't change the fact that you and I... we would never work. Even though we both tried really hard. But it's time to face the fact that we want completely different things."
"And did you figure that out before or after you promised you would come back to me? Because I've been waiting, Justin. For four fucking years. I've been waiting for you to come back," he said with evident pain on his face and I was once again miserable. "So did you lie or...?"
"No, of course not. I wanted to believe I'd come back, and I did. I wanted to make a name for myself, be successful and make you proud... and then come back home and grow old with you..." I immediately smiled at the thought. "But..."
"But?" He arched his eyebrow.
"You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake! Can you really imagine growing old with me and having kids, grandkids, a house with a white picket fence... because that's exactly what I want, Brian."
"If it would make you happy..."
"That's exactly what I'm talking about, Brian! We're both supposed to be happy, not just me."
"I would be happy... because you would be happy. It's that simple."
"You're still missing the point, Brian," I paused, taking a deep breath. "There was a reason we called off the wedding... we didn't want to sacrifice what we wanted to be together... and I still believe that."
"Well, I've changed... there was a time when the thought of growing old almost drove me to suicide, but now... knowing it would be with you by my side, it doesn't seem so scary anymore," he smiled, making my heart race the way only he could. "And I know you have no reason to believe me because everything I did when we were together was trying to convince you that I don't believe in love and that I'll never give you what you want, but... I'm ready now, Justin. I'm ready for everything. You just have to give me a chance."
"I believe you, Brian... I believe you think you're ready... but I know you, too, and I don't want you to lose who you are for me."
"You don't have to worry about that, Justin, okay? The guy you knew four years ago, the asshole who kept pushing you away, he's gone, he's been gone a long time... do you want to be monogamous? Sign me up. You wanna get married? Let's do it. You want to have kids? I'm sure we know one or two dykes who would be willing to lend us their wombs... whatever you want, I'm ready for it."
Not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat, he said the exact perfect words I'd always wanted to hear from him, and a big part of me wanted to say yes to everything, but... that was exactly the problem - he only said the things he thought I wanted to hear because he was willing to do anything to make me happy, but one day he'd wake up and realize he'd sacrificed who he was in the process, and I couldn't let that happen.
"You know how I said I met Scott when I was in the hospital?"
"Yeah, why?" He asked, clearly confused.
"Well, it was a lot worse than I let on... I thought I was going to die, Brian."
"What?" He breathed out.
"Yeah... it was pretty bad. And really scary," I let out a nervous chuckle.
"God, Justin," he took a step closer to me. "Why didn't you call me? You know I would have gotten on the first plane to be with you."
"That's the thing, Brian, I did call you. Because I wanted you to be with me too," a tear suddenly rolled down my cheek.
"That's not possible. I would remember you calling me..."
"Would you, Brian? Because when you answered, you were so drunk you could barely talk, but you know what you said? 'Sorry, whoever you are, but I'm busy getting my dick sucked, so call me later... or don't, because I'll probably be busy doing other things' and then you just hung up."
"Oh, my God, Justin," he sighed. "I'm so sorry. I really don't remember this happening, but I know that if I knew it was you I would never have hung up."
"I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel bad or guilty... I mean, of course I was mad at you and disappointed in a way, but... I guess it helped me realize that you will always be you and that's okay because that's the man I fell in love with, but I also know that this man never wanted to settle down and I want you to live life the way you want to live it and not the way I want to live it... because that wouldn't be fair to either of us."
"You do realize that the reason I was drunk and acting like a complete idiot was because I was quite possibly trying to forget, at least for a while, the fact that you weren't with me?"
"Yeah, exactly, you chose to get drunk rather than call me and tell me you missed me. Do you know how much I wished you would? How much I wanted you to just show up at my door because you couldn't be without me? But you didn't. So even though I didn't stop loving you, I stopped waiting for you. And now it's too late."
Seeing the pain in his eyes made my soul ache, but it had to be said.
"So you'd rather be with him because you love the idea of what he can give you instead of taking a chance and being with me, someone you truly love, because you're too afraid we might not work out? That's kind of sad if you ask me."
And just like that, the doubts I had inside me grew. Was I really just a coward who was afraid to take a chance with Brian because I didn't want to get my heart broken? Because I didn't want to face the possibility of losing him again? Was it easier to let him go now than to wait for him to leave on his own when he realized that life with me wasn't what he wanted?
But on the other hand, I really did love Scott, or at least I thought I did, after all, I was going to marry him tomorrow and until Brian showed up I had no doubts that it was meant to be, but right now... I don't know, it was so damn confusing.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Brian."
Suddenly he moved even closer to me and before I knew it his hand was in my hair gently stroking me. "Tell me you love me and that you want to be with me. That's all I want."
"Brian," I breathed. "Stop it."
"You love me and you want me," he repeated, his voice deep.
And my heart raced once again as his lips slowly began to move closer to mine, and even though I knew I should push him away, I didn't want to. It had been so long since I'd felt his lips and I craved it more than I wanted to admit. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. But at the last second, I completely panicked and quickly walked away. Actually, I ran. I ran home to my fiancé. The man I was going to marry.