I stood in that fucking alley for several long minutes, replaying everything Justin had said in my head, trying to make some sense of it. But I just couldn't. I mean, of course I understood Justin's fear, after all it was justified because in his eyes I was without a doubt the worst candidate for marriage alive. I basically gave him every reason why he shouldn't choose me. And if it weren't for the fact that someone decided to blow up Babylon, I probably never would have even told him I loved him. So I really couldn't blame him for being afraid to give us another chance. Hell, even I was afraid to give us another chance. Because he was right, there were about a million different ways it could go wrong. We could both end up heartbroken. No one could guarantee us a happily ever after. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try.
So I really needed Justin to open his eyes and realize he was making a huge mistake. That whatever he felt for Scott, it wasn't enough, and there was no future for their relationship because he only wanted to marry him because of the idea of what he could give him, not because he was madly in love with him. I mean, if I was absolutely certain that he really loved him and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, I would have walked away and let him be happy regardless of the fact that it would have destroyed me. But now I knew for sure he only wanted to marry Scott because he thought it was easier and less painful for him. But it was certain that one day he would realize that he was living in misery because the man next to him wasn't the one he wanted to be with. And I needed him to see it before it was too late.
But deep down, I was really afraid that he'd already made up his mind and there was nothing I could do but watch him destroy his life and us.
"Oh, there you are!" Michael looked up from his beer. "I was beginning to think you'd killed each other. Wait, where's Justin?" Michael furrowed his brows, looking over my shoulder.
"Not here," I replied sarcastically.
"Well, obviously." Michael rolled his eyes. "Did you actually kill him?" He chuckled.
"Nope."
"Then where is he?"
"Probably on his way home to his fiancé," getting that sentence out was really difficult.
"What the hell happened?"
"Not much. I said some things, he said some things, we almost kissed... and then he just ran off."
Michael immediately choked on his saliva. "Excuse me? You almost kissed? That's great! However, judging by your face, it probably isn't?"
"He's still determined to marry that British guy... even though he openly admitted he still loves me. But he thinks we have no future because... well, I'm not the best marriage material. Which he's right. I've proven repeatedly that I'm not capable of having a functional, fulfilling relationship. So all the reasons he has for not choosing me are legitimate," I trailed off, staring into space. "But I've changed, and I'm ready to give him everything he wants, not only because I want to make him happy, but because I want it too... with him. But he just doesn't see it. And honestly, I don't know how to get him to change his mind and see me for who I am now, not who I was four years ago."
Michael just stared at me, not knowing what to say. I wasn't surprised. He'd probably never seen me this vulnerable, saying out loud everything that was going on in my head. And I probably didn't even want him to say anything. Because this was my fight and no one could win it for me. But I just didn't know what else to do. How to convince Justin that I wasn't just saying things I thought he wanted to hear, but that I really meant it.
God, was that one phone call he made from the hospital really enough to make him give up on me? I understood that I'd let him down when he needed me most, but wasn't this too extreme? Or was he determined to give up on me all along and I just gave him what he needed to finally do it?
"You know what? Let's not talk about it. I need a drink more than anything right now," I waved at the bartender, ready to drown my sorrows.
And thankfully Michael joined me, making me realize how much I actually missed having him around. Don't get me wrong, Emmett, as crazy as he was, was a really good friend to me, but Michael... was Michael. And no one could ever replace him. But I was really glad he was happy with his professor. And I could only hope that one day I would be as happy as he was. Well, I was certainly going to find out in the next 24 hours.
Not only did we lose track of how much we drank, but we lost track of time as well. So we weren't even surprised to find that we both had several missed calls from Debbie, but we were too drunk to care. Well at least I was, because deep down Michael was probably scared of his mother, which made me chuckle.
But no matter how much I wanted to stay in that bar and drink until I lost consciousness, I was aware that sooner or later we would have to return to that damn house. And if I wanted to prevent the wedding from happening, I actually had to be there. So I drank my last drink and then we took a taxi to take us there and just looking at the mansion made me feel more miserable.
The rehearsal dinner was already in full swing and the stares of everyone present spoke volumes. It was definitely safe to say that we didn't make a good impression on Justin's new family and friends, and our friends probably thought we were idiots. But somehow I didn't care. At least until I saw the look of disappointment on Justin's face. He probably thought this was exactly why he couldn't be with me and I immediately felt my heart drop.
"You two, follow me." Debbie ordered angrily.
A minute ago I probably would have said something stupid and drunk, but I needed Justin to see that I was better than that. So I followed Debbie without a word, giving Justin one more look before the door closed.
"Ma, before you start, we can explain." Michael smiled innocently.
"For your own good, I suggest you shut up. I don't want to hear any excuses from either of you," she glared at us, her cheeks flushing, and then turned her attention to me. "I don't know what happened between you and Justin, but I imagine it probably wasn't good, but if you think this is the solution to your problems or that this is how you're going to get him back, you're really wrong, honey. And you," she looked at Michael. "You're supposed to be stopping him from doing things like this, not joining him. I know you think you're helping him, but you're not," she sighed in disappointment. "Now get yourself together and go change, you stink. And then I expect you to smile and behave."
"Yes, Mother," we both said at the same time, knowing it was best to listen to her.
Then we went to our rooms and I took a shower to wash the smell of booze off me. Then I put on my suit and just stared at myself in the mirror, wondering how I even got into this situation. Was I really supposed to just smile, knowing that tomorrow Justin might very well be a married man? Well, over my dead body.
"God, I hate being in a suit, I feel stupid," Michael said annoyed as he walked into my room.
"But you look hot," I smiled at him.
"Thanks," he blushed. "You don't look bad either."
"I know," I said confidently, hoping that Justin would like the sight of me too.
"You're so smug," he laughed. "So, are you ready for this? Because I'm definitely not."
Ready to watch the man I love celebrate the fact that he's getting married tomorrow? How could I be ready for that? But I had no other choice because I wasn't ready to give up either.
"Let's just go," I said determinedly, even though my heart was pounding.
Michael nodded and followed me, and as we joined the others, all eyes were on us again. I was starting to feel like a fucking celebrity. But the one I wanted to get the most looks from was once again doing his best not to. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop looking at how handsome he looked in that suit. I wanted so badly to be the one standing next to him and it was torture not to.
But it got even worse very quickly. Because the slow music started playing and the two of them moved to the dance floor. I never would have thought that watching Justin dance with another man to ridiculously romantic music would ever break my heart, but that's exactly what was happening.