He's done it. He got inside my head and under my skin in a way I told myself I wouldn't let him. He accomplished what I hoped he wouldn't. He made me let all my feelings that I'd pushed so far back to the surface. Everything I felt with him when we were together was there, hitting me like a fucking tsunami. Up until this point I had at least some control over it, even though it was difficult, almost impossible, but I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing, not just for myself, but for him too, and in a way I still believed it, because love shouldn't be this hard, should it?
With Scott everything seemed so easy and right, maybe too easy actually. But with Brian we always had to fight not to lose what we had, there was no certainty. We both simply wanted completely different things and even though we knew it from the beginning, we kept ignoring it because we just loved each other too damn much, but once we faced it, Brian simply let me walk out of the loft. He didn't even try to stop me. And if I hadn't almost died when Babylon blew up, who knows if he would have even proposed to me. Who knows if he would have even tried to fight for me.
But Babylon did blow up. And Brian did propose and for a while everything seemed perfect, I was finally going to get what I had wanted for so long. He even bought me a palace. And he seemed so ready. So I believed it. I believed he wanted what I wanted. But then I realized that the man I'd loved for so long had begun to change into a completely different person I didn't even recognize. Because he wanted to make me happy more than anything. He was willing to lose himself just to give me what I wanted. And I couldn't let that happen.
And then the opportunity to go to New York to follow my dreams came and as much as I didn't want to go and leave him because I was so afraid that if I left we'd lose it all, I knew I'd hate it if I didn't at least try to make a name for myself. And he knew it too, so he encouraged me to go. Even though I could see it in his eyes that he was terrified too. His words "it's only time" still echoed in my head to this day. I knew he was trying to be positive and hopeful, in his way at least, but knowing he was prepared for the possibility of never seeing me again made my heart bleed. But I promised him I would be back, I didn't know how long I was leaving for or when I would see him again, but I was ready to go back to him no matter what and make our relationship work.
But I guess time just started to pass and the longer I didn't see him or hear from him, the easier and less painful it became. And he seemed to be okay with it, too. Of course, neither wanted to be in a relationship based only on occasional phone calls and visits, but still... I was so hopeful that he would call or surprise me and show up at my door because he simply couldn't be without me. I was just so tired of being the one holding us together, always making the effort, reaching out first... for once, I wanted him to show me how much he loved and needed me. I wanted him to fight for us. But that didn't happen. And then I met Scott, and as much as I hated the idea of letting Brian go, something in me realized that he was long gone. And I was ready to move on. Of course, not a day went by that I didn't think of him at least once, but Scott helped me get through it. And when he proposed to me saying yes seemed so right. I didn't see a single reason why I shouldn't marry him.
And then that reason showed up at my door.
Which was ironic. Brian finally did what I'd been waiting for for two whole years after I left for New York - he showed up at my door, ready to fight for me. Sure, calling him in the middle of the night after four years just days before my wedding probably encouraged him, but still... I didn't expect him to do that. Not even in a million years. Because quite honestly, I thought he'd moved on, too. I thought he simply let me go. Because he never once tried to show me otherwise.
And at first I was so angry, because for four years he hadn't even tried to get in touch with me once, like I didn't even exist, and here he was, ready to ruin what Scott and I had built here. He asked me to simply give up my life to be with him without even considering what exactly that meant. That I would have to hurt someone I really cared about. That I would have to throw everything away for someone who seemed perfectly fine without me for four years. I didn't even want to believe he was really here because he wanted me back, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And when I actually listened to what he was saying, I still didn't believe he was truly ready. Because how could he be? He was barely ready before I left for New York, let alone now after four years apart.
But now... now I just couldn't ignore the facts. Brian loved me. Brian wanted a life with me. Brian was ready to fight for me and for us. And to my surprise, he'd actually spent those four years waiting for me, he was too stubborn and scared to show it, but he had. And once he realized that he really could lose me for good if he didn't do something, he decided he would do whatever it took to be with me. And I loved him for it so so much.
But the thought of hurting Scott hurt my soul. Because the feelings I had for him were genuine. He didn't deserve to have his heart broken. Not like this. As much as I loved Brian, I didn't want to lose Scott. And as crazy as it may seem, I was still ready to marry him.
But Brian did the most Brian thing there is... he let me decide for myself. He told me to choose what I wanted... or who I wanted. And when I tell you I've never been more scared and confused in my life, I mean it.
Because how does one decide such a thing? How do you follow your heart and your head at the same time?
"There you are." Scott unexpectedly hugged me from behind, bringing me back to reality.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me and rested his chin on my shoulder... and I felt so safe and so loved in his embrace. I knew he would love me unconditionally for the rest of our lives, as he had done so far. And he would spend every day making sure I was happy. All I had to do tomorrow was say yes. But as much as I loved being in his arms, I couldn't ignore the fact that the man I wanted to be held by right now was Brian. And it was truly killing me.
"Did you talk to him?" He asked quietly after a moment.
"Mm-hm," I hummed nervously. "You punched him pretty hard."
"Well, he deserved it."
"Scott," I sighed.
"What? Was I supposed to be okay with him having his hands all over you? Trying to kiss you?"
"No, of course not... but you didn't have to hit him."
"I know, I just... I guess I lost control. Ever since he got here, he's got this look on his face whenever he's around you..."
"What look?"
"Like he loves you more than anything."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I couldn't even imagine how much it must have hurt Scott, the knowledge that there was someone who loved me and there was nothing he could do about it. But come to think of it, the same was true for Brian. He, too, had to live with the knowledge that there was another man in my life. And it must have been so painful for both of them.
Christ, why did it have to be so hard?
"You don't have to worry about that," I said reassuringly, knowing it wasn't true.
"I'm trying, Justin, I'm just," he sighed, turning me to face him. "Are you sure this is what you want? To marry me? To be with me for the rest of your life? Because trust me, that's all I want," he smiled and stroked my hair. "But if there's a part of you that... that wants something or someone else, then please tell me..."
He looked at me with his blue eyes that were so full of love for me, but scared, not knowing what my answer would be. And even though I still didn't know for sure what I wanted, and he had a right to know, I just couldn't hurt him. So I kissed him, trying to put everything I felt for him into it, hoping he would feel how much I cared for him.
"Wow," he breathed with a grin. "So I don't have to worry about you leaving me at the altar tomorrow?" He chuckled nervously.
My heart just broke even more. He loved me so much and I selfishly thought about how much I loved Brian. Brian was supposed to be my past and Scott was supposed to be my future. I had long ago accepted that Brian and I were simply not meant to be together... so why the hell was that so hard to believe now?
Scott was the one I promised forever, not Brian. And that's the way it should be.
"Of course not," I smiled, but my heart skipped a beat.
"Good, because that would really suck," he laughed and kissed me again. "Anyway... do we really have to sleep separately tonight? I just can't imagine being in that giant bed without you."
"Tradition is tradition."
"Well, the tradition sucks."
I had to laugh and pulled him closer, " You can survive one night without me."
"Well, if it ensures I get to spend every night with you for the rest of my life after tomorrow, then I guess I'll survive."
The thought actually made me smile, because just a few days ago it was exactly what I was craving myself. And then Brian showed up and made me question my feelings for Scott. But what if there wasn't actually nothing to question? Scott was the right choice. He had to be.
"So, see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," I nodded, letting myself be kissed once more.
"Okay, good night."
"'Night."
I watched him leave and felt such a peaceful feeling inside, knowing that marrying him was the right thing to do. I knew Brian would always have a special place in my heart, but I had to let him go. So as I walked past his room, I decided to do what needed to be done. He had to know what my choice was. It was only fair.
I knocked a few times, but there was no response. I didn't know if he was sleeping or showering, but I knew it couldn't wait. So I walked in and what I saw made my heart sink. He was gone. He didn't even say goodbye, he just left.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. And then I noticed his shirt lying on the chair. I picked it up and all I could do was press it to my face. God, he smelled so beautiful.
And then I heard someone clear their throat behind me and immediately put it back down.
I turned around, and it was Michael.
"He's not here," he stated the obvious.
"Where did he go?"
"Do you really care? You're getting married, aren't you?"
"Michael," I sighed.
"He went to the hotel, he just couldn't stay here. He wanted me to tell you he'd wait until tomorrow morning and then he'd go back to Pittsburgh."
I suddenly felt rage, he had given me an impossible ultimatum. It was as if he didn't even realize what he was asking me to do. Or maybe he just didn't care. Because as long as Brian gets what Brian wants, everything is fine, right? It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process.
God, I was so mad at him. But I still couldn't deny that I loved him so freaking much. But what if love just wasn't enough anymore? What if he was trying to save something that shouldn't be saved? We had our chance and it simply didn't work out. So why try again when we've already proven repeatedly that being together isn't easy?
Scott was the right choice. He just was.
There. Decision made.
All I had to do now was go tell Brian. So I put on my shoes and went to do just that.