I was lying in bed, smoking one cigarette after another, just staring at the ceiling of my hotel room, almost as if expecting to see a sign there that everything was going to turn out great... or at least that I hadn't royally fucked up by leaving and letting Justin decide whether or not he wanted to be with me. But honestly, I didn't know what else to do to convince him to choose me, to choose us, it felt like I was out of options, but even if I wasn't, I think Justin actually needed time and space without me breathing down his neck. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel completely helpless, because I fucking did. I mean, I've never been good at not being in control, and in a situation like this, it was so much worse. I felt like I was losing my damn mind, just waiting for the phone to ring with Justin's name on it. But the longer it took, the more I started to believe that I wouldn't see him again, and it really felt like my heart was slowly ripping out of my chest.
"Christ!" I shouted louder than I intended, but the frustration I felt increased with each passing minute.
Because what if I really lost him? What if he had already made his decision and I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen? And how the hell was I supposed to live with that? How was I just supposed to move on when there was no version of my life that didn't have Justin in it? Just the thought seemed unbearable.
When I got to the point where I just couldn't stand the waiting and staring at the ceiling anymore, I got up and attacked the minibar, but of course those funny little bottles weren't enough to end my misery and numb my thoughts - well, at least for a little while - so I called room service and ordered a bottle of Jim Beam straight to my room. And some ice too, because my face was really killing me, Scott had a great right hook, I'll give him that. But at least the pain was a slight distraction from the actual pain I felt inside.
I even caught myself almost calling Michael a couple of times in hopes of at least getting some information, but the only information I wanted to hear was that the wedding had been called off, and if that were a fact, I would have heard about it by now because Michael would have definitely called to tell me. Or better yet, Justin would be the one to tell me. So there was no point in torturing myself even more.
But as I was about to get into the shower to kill some time, I heard a knock on the door. Weird, was the first thought that came to my mind. It was actually pretty late. And at first I was going to ignore it, but when the knock came a second time, something inside me was drawn to find out what the person wanted. So I put a towel around my waist and headed for the door. And as I reached for the doorknob I had a strange feeling inside me, but I didn't make too much of it, but then I opened the door and my heart immediately stopped.
"Justin." I breathed out shakily.
He didn't say anything, looking almost as shocked as I was... almost like he couldn't believe he was really here, standing right in front of me.
"You look, um..." He said finally, swallowing hard.
"Gorgeous? Hot? Irresistible?" I said with a smile before I could think. I mean, I was slightly drunk and almost naked so I guess it made sense that this came to mind. But looking at him, it probably wasn't the best thing to say.
"Tired," he replied.
"Oh," I rolled my lips into my mouth and felt a little disappointed, but then I realized something. "How did you find me here?" I was pretty sure I hadn't told Michael which hotel I was going to. I mean, I didn't even know myself until the last minute.
"It wasn't that hard, I found the nearest hotels, picked the most expensive one, called to make sure you were staying here, and then flirted a bit with the receptionist to be let in."
"I see," I said a little annoyed, remembering that the receptionist was a guy. A really hot guy, to be specific.
But Justin flirting with the receptionist wasn't the main thing I had to worry about right now. In fact, it was the least of my worries. Because as much as I didn't want to admit it, I didn't have a good feeling about him being here. Quite the opposite. Because this was not good. Not good at all.
But as naive as it was, I was still trying to be hopeful.
"Wanna come in?" I asked after a moment of silence.
"Uh," he gave me one hesitant look. "Yeah, sure."
I was relieved because I really didn't want to do this in the hotel hallway. I stepped aside to make room for him to come in, and once he was inside, I closed the door.
I didn't even know what I was feeling, but it was a lot. He was standing right in front of me. No one else around. Just the two of us. And my heart was pounding and my mind was racing. Yet I tried to be as calm as possible.
But it was so fucking hard.
I mean, he was right in front of me. I could only take a few steps and touch him. Kiss him. Hold him. I wanted to do it all, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Because he didn't belong to me.
"Want something to drink?" I asked to fill the awkward silence.
"That would be great," he smiled nervously.
So I poured us both a drink, and while I downed it immediately to calm my nerves, Justin just stared at his glass and seemed so lost in his thoughts.
He was obviously here to break my heart, but he didn't even know how to do it. I would almost feel bad for him if I wasn't so damn angry and slowly shattering inside.
"Justin?" I spoke softly. I just needed him to say something.
He looked up to meet my eyes. "Sorry," he said, downing his glass, which he then set on the coffee table.
But another moment of silence immediately followed. Was he trying to kill me?
"Are we going to talk or not?" I asked a little harshly, but I was really losing it.
But he suddenly moved to the window and just looked out. The view was amazing, I won't deny that, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck was going on?
I seriously didn't know how much longer I could take it.
But then it finally happened. The thing I was most afraid of.
"I'm here to tell you that I've decided to marry Scott." He said, not even turning to look at me.
And my heart sank. It wasn't that I didn't expect it, I knew it from the very first second I opened the door and saw him, but hearing him say it hurt so damn much.
"I figured as much." I said, my voice filled with anger, but mostly pain.
And he finally turned to look at me. But for the first time, I had a hard time looking at him. For God's sake, why couldn't he just see that he was only hurting us both? Why couldn't he just admit that he wanted to be with me, because no matter how hard he tried to deny it, I could see it in his eyes so clearly. He may have convinced himself that marrying Scott was the right choice, but even he knew deep down that it was bullshit.
"I'm really sorry Brian, I don't want to hurt you, but you wanted me to make a decision and I did."
"Yeah, obviously."
I poured myself another glass and drank it.
"You and I have had our chance, many chances, and I think we've already proven that we just don't work no matter how much we love each other, so I think it's better if we just go our separate ways."
I couldn't help myself, I just burst out laughing. Not that I found it funny, I just couldn't believe he said it. That this was his "break-up" speech.
"You're drunk," he pointed out.
"Yeah," I laughed again. "But unfortunately not drunk enough."
"Brian," he sighed. "I'm really not trying to hurt you."
"No, you're just trying to hurt yourself, and that's really sad."
"What?" He furrowed his brows in confusion.
"You really think that choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't actually love is the right choice?"
"I do love him." He replied firmly.
"Yeah, maybe. But you're not in love with him. If you were, this wouldn't even be a choice, you wouldn't have to think about it... you wouldn't even have to come here to tell me, because he would be the only thing that matters... but you're here, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that it's over between us, we both know you're here because you're not ready to let me go... you just don't have the balls to admit it."
I pissed him off, that was obvious, but I was tired of being nice.
"Fuck you!" he snapped. "You wanted me to make a decision and that's exactly what I did... and I'm here because I thought it was only fair to tell you in person, that's the only reason I'm here."
"Oh really?" I walked closer to him. "Then why do I have a hard time believing you?"
"I really don't know what you want me to say, Brian."
"The truth, for instance," I was suddenly so close to him I could almost feel him. "I want you to tell me what your heart really wants." With that, I put my hand on his chest and felt his heart beating even faster than mine.
"Brian," he said almost in a whisper. "Don't do this."
"Just say it.... admit the truth... you don't want him... you want me... you want us..." My lips were almost touching his, and just the fact that he didn't pull away told me everything I needed to know.
But that changed the next second. "Jesus Christ, you're so fucking unbelievable!" He quickly put more distance between us. "You can't just barge into my life after four years of not even trying to contact me and expect me to throw everything away for you!"
"You're right." I acknowledged, taking a deep breath. "I should have fought harder for you, I should have stayed in touch with you, visited you and called you as often as possible... and above all, I should have made sure you knew how much I loved you. But I was an idiot and lost four years with you, which I will regret for the rest of my life, and I really can't blame you if you're afraid to give us another chance... but you have to know that I want this more than anything in the world. And I think we both know you want it too."
I honestly don't know which was worse, him saying things that were painful to hear or him being completely silent, but right now the silence was downright unbearable.
"Just say something, Justin." I breathed. "Please."
"But I don't fucking know what to say... I'm supposed to get married tomorrow, Brian!"
"But is that what you really want? Is Scott what you want?"
"Of course not!" He exclaimed in frustration and his eyes immediately widened, he couldn't even believe he'd said it out loud. "No... that's not... that's not what I meant to say..." it was obvious he couldn't find the words and all I could do was smile like an idiot. I mean, it was cute to see him panicking because he finally admitted what we both already knew. "What I wanted to say is... that... I mean, Scott and I..."
"Justin?" I stopped him mid-sentence.
"Yeah?" He looked at me nervously.
"Just shut up already," I said, and before I knew it I closed the distance between us.
At that moment, I simply didn't care, I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him. And that's exactly why I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me, our bodies colliding, one hand buried in his hair, the other running slowly down his back, and the moment our eyes met, I just kissed him. Slow and gentle, just caressing his lips with mine, but the moment I realized that Justin was actually kissing me back, I couldn't hold back. The taste, the softness of his lips, his hands on my body, it was simply mind-blowing. And I never wanted it to end. I didn't even care that half of my face was in pain and swollen. And even as I was getting out of breath, I refused to stop. I just kissed him like my life depended on it.
But all of a sudden, Justin pushed me away with such force that I took a few steps back. "You can't... you can't just kiss me!"
"You kissed me too." I said with a smile, licking my lips as they tingled from the kiss.
"Stop looking at me like that!"
"How am I looking at you?"
"You know damn well... like you want to throw me on the bed and..." he couldn't even finish the sentence, his cheeks flushed.
"Well, maybe I do." I smirked, unable to control myself.
And he swallowed hard. "God, you are such an asshole!"
"But you love me... and you want me..."
"You know what? Right now I just want some air." With that, he simply turned around and before I had a chance to say anything, he was gone.
And all I could do was stare at the door that shut loudly behind him.
"What the hell just happened?" I muttered to myself.
But I knew I couldn't just let him go, so I quickly reached the door ready to follow him, not caring that I only had a towel around my waist, I was simply ready to stop him at any cost, but as soon as I opened the door, there he was, his hand raised and ready to knock.
"Did you forget something?" I asked with an amused smile.
"Yeah," he nodded and before I knew it he grabbed me with force and pulled me to him, his lips quickly on mine.
It took me a moment to realize what was actually happening, but once I did, I lifted him off the ground and he wrapped his legs around me, kissing me hungrily, then I simply kicked the door closed.