"Has he lost his fucking mind?!" Debbie was staring at me like I was supposed to know the answer, but I was in no condition to think let alone speak. I was completely numb and my brain felt foggy, it was like the world around me wasn't even real, yet I still clutched the white envelope in my hand, trying to understand every single word that was written there. But the more times I read it, the less I understood it, but at the same time it was like I finally got all the answers I've been waiting for so long.
Not the answers I wanted, but... answers. Because now I knew it was finally time to stop being naive and thinking that Justin was still waiting for me somewhere, or that maybe he still loved me as much as I loved him. Because it wasn't true. It was more than obvious now. I didn't even know how to react, part of me just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but the other part of me - the part that knew deep down all along that we were done - finally accepted reality and I was actually kind of relieved that I no longer had to spend my days missing him and waiting for him to finally show up at the door with his big smile, because now I knew for sure that it would never happen. Why? Because he loved someone else and was about to marry him... and that really gave me the answers to everything.
"What is it - some kind of joke?" Debbie was in complete disbelief.
"A joke? I don't really feel like laughing… but you better hurry up and book a flight to New York because according to this," I waved the envelope in the air. "The wedding is in two weeks."
"Brian, you can't just let him..."
"What? Let him marry someone else? Why not? We're not together anymore, he's been gone for 4 years and we both knew what it meant for us when he left..."
"But you still waited for him despite that, so don't tell me you're okay with him wanting to spend the rest of his life with another man."
"And what the hell am I supposed to do, Deb? Run to his wedding and beg him not to get married… to tell him how much I love him? What good would that do?"
"Maybe he doesn't even love that man, maybe he's marrying him because he thinks you've forgotten about him... you never called him, never visited him... so maybe you should just find your balls and go get him back before it's too late."
"Ball - just one," I corrected her, making her roll her eyes.
She just didn't understand that there was nothing left to fight for. Justin was gone and right now I had lost all hope that it would ever change.
"Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to work, I'm sure you know where the door is."
"God you're such an ass," she sighed and left as I told her.
I may have been an ass, but at least I knew when it was time to face reality and make peace with it, and that moment definitely came today. But life goes on, right?
I closed the door behind her and went to take a shower. I was surprised that I was actually very calm. Maybe I didn't miss Justin as much as I thought, maybe it was just a feeling and I lied to myself that I was lost without him. That was possible. And besides, he deserved to be happy, and apparently he was, so I should be happy too.
Right? Yeah, right.
The moment I put on my suit and grabbed my things, I headed to work, hoping that after today everything would start to go back to normal, knowing that now I could stop waiting and start living again. But the moment I passed my mailbox, I stopped and held my breath. I was so afraid to look inside. But I didn't know what was scarier - if the envelope was there, it would mean that Justin had not only ripped my heart out, but stomped all over it, but if not, I clearly wasn't even worth the invite. Just a guy he used to fuck.
"Brian?" I suddenly heard Michael behind me.
"Fuck!" I exclaimed, almost having a heart attack.
I turned to him, ready to give him the death stare, but the moment I looked at him and saw what he was holding in his hand—the same shitty envelope Debbie had—I almost wished I actually had a heart attack.
"Wow, did he invite you too?" I couldn't control the amused tone of my voice.
"You already know?" he looked quite relieved.
"Your mother was here about an hour ago. She was banging on my door like crazy."
"Oh," he didn't seem surprised by that—like mother like son, I guess. "And are you okay?" he asked carefully, almost as if he was afraid I would explode otherwise.
"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" I let out a laugh, surprisingly calm.
"Maybe because the love of your life wants to marry someone else?"
"Don't be silly, you know that you are the love of my life," I kissed him hoping it would shut him up.
"Brian?" he gave me that sad look I hated so much and I just knew I couldn't deal with that right now.
"Sorry, gotta go."
I got into the car as fast as I could and then drove off even faster. I just didn't want Mikey to say anything else that would make me face the pain. Because right now I felt like I was in complete denial.
When I arrived at Kinnetik, I immediately felt Ted's gaze on me, and it wasn't long before Cynthia joined in as well. I had never walked past them to my office so fast in my life, but honestly, what was even the point if they followed me right away anyway?
"Brian, can we come in?" Ted asked in the doorway, Cynthia standing right behind him.
"You're already here, so… what the fuck do you want?"
"We just wanted to know… if you were okay," Cynthia said, looking at me like I was going to have a mental breakdown at any moment.
"Why, did you get an invitation to the wedding too?" I asked amused.
"Oh, thank god you already know," Ted almost smiled with evident relief, but quickly remembered that wasn't a good idea.
"Since everyone has been coming to inform me since 7 in the morning, yes – I know."
"And how do you feel?" Cynthia asked.
I almost laughed but managed to hold it in. "Better than ever. And now if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do… and I'm sure you do too."
"But…" Ted tried.
"The door is over there," I nodded in that direction.
It was starting to look like I was going to have to help them out of my office, but in the end they probably understood that they definitely shouldn't piss me off today because it might not turn out well for them.
As soon as the clock showed six o'clock in the evening, I left Kinnetik in a hurry. I didn't want to risk those two questioning me again. But once I was home, in that big, empty, quiet loft, my brain began to flood with thoughts and I felt an overwhelming urge to go check the mailbox... but I just knew I wasn't ready to face it yet.
So instead I changed and immediately headed to Woody's, hoping that alcohol and maybe even someone hot would make me think about something else.
"Oh no, not you too," I sighed when I saw Emmett's face.
"What?" he tried to look confused.
"You have that look… like you've received a white envelope."
"Don't worry, I talked to Teddy, he said I better not bring it up."
"Great, we can start drinking then," I immediately waved at the bartender, ready to drink the pain away.
And before we knew it, we were in Babylon. I didn't feel like playing the 'who would I rather fuck' game with Emmett today and instead I headed straight to the backroom.
And as soon as I saw the first fuckable guy, I went straight to him. He reached up to kiss me but I didn't let him and instead I turned him around and pushed him against the wall and immediately pulled his pants down under his ass. I put the condom on and pushed my dick right in. I fucked him like crazy, I just couldn't control myself, but luckily he didn't seem to mind. But the closer I got to orgasm, the more I suddenly began to realize what actually happened today - Justin was getting married. Justin-was-getting-married. Oh my fucking God!