"Hey Brian… it's me Justin," he paused, drawing a deep breath. "God, I don't even know what to say... I just grabbed the phone and dialed your number without thinking and now... now I'm babbling like an idiot. Which I probably am. I'm also a little drunk, so..." he chuckled almost nervously. "Well, I guess I just wanted to say that... that I'm really sorry. And I want you to know that... that I'll never forget you and what we had... and I will always..."
You will always what? I said to myself when the message suddenly stopped. I didn't know if it was because he quickly hung up when he realized he shouldn't be calling me or because he was interrupted by "someone", but it didn't matter because all I wanted was to know what he was going to say before he hung up. I swear it almost sounded like his voice was starting to break, it wasn't just in my head I was sure of it. And it was killing me that he didn't finish it.
Because as naive as I could be, I couldn't shake the feeling that he was about to say that he would always love me. But it could also be a million other things. And no matter how much I wished there was still a chance to make things right with him, the fact that he called me could simply mean that he just wanted to say goodbye. And my heart just couldn't take that.
"Wow, he must really love you," said the guy who literally had my dick in his mouth a minute ago.
"You're still here?" I asked arching my eyebrows.
"Oh, you're a real dick, you know that?" he replied, clearly offended, but at the moment I didn't give a fuck about his feelings, I just needed him gone.
And thankfully he didn't even bother to put his clothes on, instead he just grabbed them and left the loft butt naked, but by that point I was pretty sure my neighbors were used to it. But as I heard my steel door slam shut, I actually felt a little bad for the guy, but I was just too focused on Justin's voicemail to think about anything else.
I mean, how was that even possible? It was like he somehow knew I was doing everything I could to move on and leave him in the past and decided to stop me from doing so. How else to explain this fucking coincidence that after 4 years he called me just a few days before his wedding, just when I was getting a part of myself back. That had to mean something! That I was a naive idiot probably.
I spent the whole night replaying the message over and over again, absorbing every single word he said, listening to his voice that sounded the same but different at the same time. I hadn't heard him in so long that I had almost forgotten what he sounded like, so hearing him was just amazing. But at the same time it was driving me crazy because it complicated everything. Especially my determination to forget him once and for all.
"Oh my god, you look… awful," Debbie said the moment she saw me sitting at the table.
"Nice to see you too," I replied annoyed.
"What the hell happened to you?" she immediately sat down across from me.
"I didn't get much sleep," I said, yawning. "Could you pour me a coffee? And make it a double if possible," I let out a laugh.
“Not until you tell me what's going on."
"Christ," I pinched the bridge of my nose, but what else could I expect when I came here in this state? "So yesterday I had this guy giving me a pretty decent blowjob," Debbie immediately rolled her eyes. "When all of a sudden my phone started ringing and guess what? It was Justin," I grinned from ear to ear.
"I'm sorry, what?!" she squealed. "I need you to be a little more specific," she urged me.
"Well, I didn't actually talk to him."
"What do you mean?" she was confused as hell.
"I didn't pick up the phone so he left me a message."
"Why on earth wouldn't you pick up the phone?"
"Did I mention I was getting my dick sucked? And I didn't know it was him, I mean, how could I? I thought he was done with me, so the possibility of him calling me didn't even cross my mind when the phone rang."
And honestly? I wasn't sure I would have picked up the phone even if I knew it was him. I'd probably be scared shitless, and that's not something I was proud to admit, but it was the truth. Justin unfortunately had that effect on me.
"And what did he say?" she asked excitedly.
"Well, it started with him saying he was an idiot and that he was drunk… and then he said he was sorry…" I trailed off, replaying the message in my head. "And that he will never forget me."
"And?"
"Deb, if you're expecting me to tell you he confessed his love for me and begged me to take him back, I'm gonna have to disappoint you."
"He didn't even invite you to the wedding?"
"Nope."
"Shit," she sighed, making me feel even worse than I already did. "But he called and that must mean something, he obviously still cares about you..." she smiled hopefully.
"Or he wanted to have a clear conscience before he says yes to what's-his-name."
"Or he's hoping you'll do something and fight for him."
"Yeah like what?" I scoffed.
"Like packing your bag and coming with us tomorrow?"
"Sorry, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be busy."
"Yeah? With what? Destroying your life?"
"Well, yeah, I'm getting pretty good at it," I smiled.
"I can't decide if you're an asshole or just scared."
"Both probably," I replied with a laugh before realizing what I was actually admitting to.
But yes, I was scared. Terrified, actually. Of course, I wanted to fight for him with every molecule of my body, because no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could live without him, I just didn't want to. I wanted him back. I didn't even want to imagine him in another man's arms. Just the thought was killing me. But what the hell could I do? Because what if he was actually happy? Did I even have the right to destroy his happiness for my own selfish reasons?
"I get it," she looked at me with a sad look in her eyes. "But trust me on this one - if you don't at least try, you'll never forgive yourself and you'll spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't fight for him," she stroked my cheek before getting up to get my coffee. But she didn't say anything else, as if she knew the best thing she could do right now was to leave me to my thoughts.
And as I sat in the chair in my office, all I could think about was what Debbie had told me, and the fact that if Justin really had moved on and didn't care about me anymore, he wouldn't have called me. So I had to believe that there was still a chance for us to be together again.
And even though I had no idea what to do, my heart suddenly and mysteriously knew, and I knew that for once I should listen to it. Guess I had a wedding to attend.