Brian stood stoically beside Justin, with a hand on his shoulder. He loathed being unable to do anything. He had expected for Justin to want to visit the cemetery in New York, but for Justin to break down in loud sobs when Nick hugged the cold stone with Ethan’s name engraved to it…

Suddenly, Justin was into Brian's arms, throwing his arms around him.

“Shh.” Brian rubbed his back over his winter coat. “Try to calm down. I think Nick needs you there right now.”

Justin took a few shaky breaths, pulling away from Brian, and going to kneel next to his son. He hugged Nick against his chest, rocking him back and forth.

Brian allowed them a moment alone, while he took several steps away from the grave. He lit himself a cigarette, staring at Justin and Nick, crying and whispering to each other. They looked so small and fragile in that moment.

Justin had told Brian multiple times that he wasn’t sure how he would have gone on if he had stayed in New York, and Brian understood him for the first time.

Brian tilted his head toward the sky, mouthing, “Thank you.” He wasn’t sure if the words were for whatever God was there, or for Ian himself who had sent Justin back to him with his violent death.

Brian startled when something wet touched his hand. He looked down to see Nick’s dirt-covered hand clutching his.

“Daddy said to wait in the car,” Nick said somberly.

With one last, worried look at Justin, Brian led Nick to the rented car. “How are you holding up, buddy?”

“I still miss Pappy, but I understand.” A sob caught in his throat, and Brian stopped to crouch at Nick’s side and hug him tightly. “Thank you, Brian.”

“What for?” Brian pulled back enough to look into Nick’s blue eyes.

“For helping me and Daddy. For making Daddy happy. For…being the bestest dad in the world.”

Brian felt tears in his eyes, and he wasn’t sure why he felt so emotional. “I’m sure Justin will be upset to hear I’m the bestest,” he said, using Nick’s incorrect appellative. “But I know what you mean,” he added, kissing the top of Nick’s head. “Come on. It’s cold outside.”

Once Nick was seated in the back of the rented sedan, Brian leaned against the front of the car, lighting himself another cigarette. He smoked slowly, staring at the cemetery gate until Justin stepped through it.

Justin blew his nose, before he wiped his eyes, as he made his way toward the car with his shoulders slumped.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said to Brian, opening the back door to sit next to his son since the car didn’t have a special seat for children.

Brian finished his cigarette and joined them in the car. He glanced at them through the rearview mirror, huddled into each other.

“Where to?” Brian asked, starting the engine and blasting hot air.

“The hotel,” Justin said softly.

“I’m hungry,” Nick announced.

“We’ll go to that restaurant near the hotel,” Justin told Brian. “Actually, you can go with Brian. I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure?” Brian checked.

“I only want a hot shower and…I’m not hungry.”

Brian nodded, not going to push him. This was Justin's way of coping with pain. They would talk at some point.

“I might call Alex,” Justin said after a while.

Alex Wilder was Brian's old friend and the therapist who had helped him with pointers on how to deal with Justin after the bashing. Brian had given Justin the number of his friend, but Justin hadn’t said anything about talking to him…until then.

“Okay,” Brian agreed. “Anything you might want to eat later?”

“No, thank you.”

.

.

.

“You have to keep this a secret, Nick,” Brian said seriously, as he chewed on some fries from Nick’s menu. He had caved to Nick’s wet eyes when he begged for KFC.

“Of course. It will be our secret, Brian.” Nick slurped from his drink, keeping his eyes on Brian. “Do you think Pappy is upset now that we have you?”

Brian hadn’t expected such a deep question. “Well…” He had to choose his words carefully, because Nick shouldn’t know about the mutual dislike between him and Ian. “I would like to think he is happy to see you and Justin are happy. I mean, if you love someone and you indirectly caused him pain, you would be happy to see he was happy.” Brian winced, wondering if he could use the word ‘happy’ more without sounding like a tool.

“But I told you, Brian. Daddy and Pappy used to fight about you.”

Brian palmed his face. “Trust me, Nick. He better be grateful I did everything in my power to take care of both of you and make sure you left behind the past.”

Nick’s tears slipped from his eyes, as he snuggled into Brian's side. “I don’t want to forget Pappy. I can’t remember his voice.”

“Shhh.” Brian rubbed the boy’s back, squeezing him tightly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know,” Nick whispered. “I was right…I will forget Pappy.”

“No, you won’t. Nick, look at me.” Brian tilted his head. “You won’t forget Ethan. Now…are you done here? I’d like to go back and check on your dad. I haven’t seen him so distressed in a while.”

Nick nodded somberly, and after trashing the leftovers on their tray, they returned to the hotel. Nick was tired, and Brian offered to carry him, which ended up with Nick fast asleep in his arms.

When Brian stepped into the hotel room, he was greeted by silence. He had expected to find Justin crying, or on the phone with Alex, like he had said.

After placing Nick on the bed and covering his slumbering body with a blanket, Brian took his phone out to call Justin. But his eyes fell on a paper on the nightstand.

I’m out. Don’t call. I need some time alone.

Brian sighed loudly, because he hadn’t thought about what might happen on this particular day. He had believed Justin was better, but he was still hurt. And in true Justin fashion, he wasn’t accepting help.

Brian took Nick’s boots off, along with his winter clothes. The sleepy boy was barely cooperating, but once he was in his jammies, he snuggled under the blanket, falling right back asleep.

Brian threw himself in the chair by the window, glaring at the cloudy sky. He absolutely hated Ian. He had fucked up Brian's life in the past, and he kept messing with him and Justin long after he was gone.

It was dark outside when the door opened softly.

Brian turned to see Justin taking his boots off, before throwing his coat and scarf on a chair. He stopped at the foot of the bed, then looked around, almost panicked. Brian rolled his eyes, because it was obvious Justin believed Brian had somehow left the room.

When their eyes met in the dark room, Justin tilted his head toward the bathroom, heading there silently.

Brian followed him, amused. He flipped the light on, since Justin hadn’t bothered, but all his teasing about memories regrading following tricks to the Backroom died on his lips. Justin's eyes were puffy and red, and he looked about to start crying again.

Without hesitating, Brian took him in his arms, and Justin started sobbing earnestly. Brian didn’t try to stop him, because he could tell Justin had to get it out of his system…all the anguish and all the memories still holding him tied to the fiddler.

“I don’t deserve you,” Justin mumbled, after what felt like hours.

“Are you feeling better?” Brian checked, pulling away slightly to search Justin's wet, blue eyes.

“Yeah. I’m sorry I broke down like that…”

“Fuck apologies.” Brian pulled him close again, stroking his hair. “I might never understand how much you cared for him, but I accept it. And I’m here, if you want to talk about it.”

“No, no. I’m all good. I promise this is the last time I’m crying over him.”

Brian sincerely doubted it, but held Justin against his chest, swaying them on the spot.

“Was Nick upset I didn’t join you for lunch?”

“Nah. We also had a chat where I had to reassure him that Ian was happy to know both you and Nick were happy. Because Nick was worried whether or not his pappy accepted you had found happiness.”

“Jesus.” Justin pulled away, and grabbed a wad of toilet paper to blow his nose.

“He wouldn’t have these problems if he hadn’t heard you fighting about me, you know.”

“Don’t start,” Justin said softly. “I wasn’t even aware Nick heard us…or understood us, more accurately.”

“Well, he did. Like he hears us arguing, and we have to explain we aren’t going to break up just because we had a silly fight.”

Justin snorted. “I keep telling him to not worry about our fights. Fuck, I doubt I could have a life with you if we didn’t have an argument every other day.” He pointed a finger at Brian, the ghost of a smile on his lips. “Don’t say I’m a twat.”

Brian touched his heart theatrically. “I would never insult you like that, Sunshine.”

Then they both started laughing.

“What are you guys doing in the bathroom?” Nick asked loudly, opening the door.

“What happened to knocking?” Justin gasped, throwing the toilet paper in the trashcan, after wiping his nose one last time.

“I heard you talking in here for a while. I have to poop really bad.”

“Oh, all yours.” Justin waved to the toilet. He made to steer them out of the bathroom, with a smile.

“Brian knotted the string for my jammies really tight,” Nick whined.

“Come here,” Brian said, amused, crouching to undo the knot. “There you go.”

Justin threw himself on the bed, while Brian flipped the light on in the room. He took his laptop out of his bag.

“Don’t tell me, you want to work,” Justin complained.

“I have to check my emails. It won’t take long.”

“I need more toilet paper,” Nick shouted from the bathroom.

“I hope there’s another roll in there somewhere,” Justin muttered, going to assist his son.

Brian sat in the chair by the window, scrolling through his email inbox. It seemed Ted had outdone himself, and they had a deal with the sex toys company. Brian read through the lengthy email sent by the manager, praising Brian's agency and how he couldn’t wait to see what the graphic artists came up with regarding his campaign.

Brian decided to call Ted, when Justin and Nick returned. They turned the TV on, finding a documentary channel running a show about animals.

“Congrats,” Brian said, chuckling, when Ted answered.

“Oh, you saw the email?”

“Yeah, I’m impressed. He didn’t believe we could do his company justice. Like, making ads for the internet is different than making ads for TV,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.

“I’ll have you know Thompson was so impressed, he left samples. You have a box of toys on your desk.”

“For me? He shouldn’t have,” Brian said sarcastically. His comment got Justin's attention, who turned to lift a brow at him. Brian shook his head. “Take whatever you want from them. I’ve stopped playing with toys ages ago.”

Ted laughed nervously. “I might have mentioned, at some point, how I got thirty-three dildos on my thirty-third birthday. The man was impressed. He said he would be happy to supply us with as many as needed for our next birthdays.”

“We have to aim high. Ask him for fifty free-of-charge fake dicks. See if he holds his end of bargain.”

“I’m turning forty-nine in August.”

“Whatever. He doesn’t have to know.”

“I’d rather not see anything fifty related for another year. Blake is already asking me if I need a prostate massage,” Ted groaned.

“Ah, I told you, having a younger partner will bite you in the ass. Quite literally.” Brian closed the laptop, placing it on the nightstand.

“You’re one to talk? Blake is only nine years younger than me.”

“Shut up,” Brian scoffed, giving Justin a tight smile, when he saw him watching him intrigued. “Anyway, I just forwarded you an email. Brad wants a meeting. He’s the guy I almost fired Damian over.”

“I heard. I’ll check the email tomorrow. I just got home, and Blake is giving me the stink eye because the food is getting cold.”

“Okay, okay. Call me, first thing tomorrow morning. I have to walk you through everything I talked to Brad on Monday. I’m still surprised he wants to work with us.”

“You must have impressed him,” Ted joked.

“Probably. Enjoy your prostate massage.”

“Fuck you, Brian,” Ted muttered without any malice in his voice.

Brian laughed, hanging up.

“What?” Justin mouthed, keeping his hands over Nick’s ears.

“I’ll tell you another time.” Brian joined them on the bed, lounging to lay next to Nick, who was watching the TV screen intently. “What are you watching?”

Nick shrugged. “That tiger is chasing the deer.”

“It’s an antelope,” Justin explained, stroking Nick’s back.