Justin had never been more nervous in his life, in fact, if his heart had pounded just a little harder it would have ripped his chest open. Yet he couldn't stop looking at the man who had changed his entire world when he approached him under the streetlamp. Brian made his life so much richer, more adventurous, more vibrant and exciting. He gave him confidence and taught him how to go after his dreams and never apologize for what he wanted. He showed him a life he never thought he could possibly have, or even dream of. Their love was pure, passionate, unconditional, and at times, even terrifying. And they were bonded in a way that could not be explained. He still felt it, even after all these years. It truly was consuming to be around Brian. Sometimes it even blinded him when things got tough and he chose to ignore it because he was afraid he might lose him. Yeah, not everything was perfect when they were together, more than once he'd questioned whether it was even worth it, but in the end all the fights and tears and breakups were what made them stronger. The simple truth was that Justin's life was undoubtedly better when Brian was in it.
And he really wished their fairy tale had lasted longer. He wished they'd never been separated. He wished they had forever.
But all he had was not knowing what the man he once loved so much had even been doing for the last twenty years. Was he happy? Did he have everything he wanted in life? And most of all, did he miss him too?
Justin was ready to get all the answers no matter how terrifying it was.
But first he needed to let all those feelings soak in and start breathing again. Though that seemed almost impossible.
Get your shit together, he encouraged himself mentally.
He let Brian lead him to a nearby coffee shop, thankfully not the one where he had been reflecting on his sad life half an hour ago. This one, according to Brian, was supposed to be the place that made the best coffee in New York. It made him wonder how many times Brian must have visited New York if he knew where to get the best coffee. And why hadn't they run into each other before? Well, sure, it was a big city. But what probably bothered Justin more was that Brian knew he lived here and he hadn't even tried to contact him. Was he scared, or did he just not want to?
Once they were at the coffee shop, Brian opened the door for him. He wondered if he did it because he was such a gentleman or because he wanted to get a look at his ass. It made him smile. And suddenly he felt so much more at ease. He remembered how much Brian loved his ass and was more than willing to let him admire it.
"What is it?" Brian wondered when he saw his smile.
"Nothing," Justin replied, his lips rolled in. "Where do we sit?" He rather changed the subject.
"Uhhh," Brian looked around. "How about over there by the window?"
"Sure, I like that spot." Justin agreed.
"Great." Brian gave him a smile that honestly made Justin's heart skip a beat. "Go sit down and I'm gonna go order for us. What should I get you?"
"Um, I think I'll have a pumpkin spice latte with almond milk."
"Oh, wow, that's an... interesting choice." Brian laughed out loud. "I don't think I've ever had one of those."
"You'd be surprised how good it is."
"Yeah, um, I think I'll stick with my choice of coffee." He let out a chuckle, making Justin frown jokingly. "I'll be right back."
"Okay."
Justin went to sit at the table, not taking his eyes off Brian. He looked... he looked... God, he looked amazing. He was still the same attractive man Justin remembered. Yet there was something different about him. Sure, he was older, more mature. And he was obviously still sweating his ass off at the gym. But there was just something, and Justin couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Or maybe it was the fact that he hadn't seen him in twenty years and was now seeing him from a completely different perspective. But whatever it was, he was still very much attracted to him. Which honestly didn't even surprise him.
And as Justin looked around, he could see that he wasn't the only one attracted to Brian. Gay, straight, married, old, it didn't matter because wherever Brian entered, he was always the center. And Justin used to be the center of his universe. It still hurt him to think of the life they might have had together if he hadn't left for New York.
"Whether we see each other next week, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time." Those were the words Brian said to him. Justin remembered it so clearly, so vividly. He still remembered everything from that night, almost as if it had happened yesterday. Every little detail was stuck in his head, even twenty years later. He remembered lying under Brian's hot body after their last lovemaking, forcing himself to leave for the airport, not knowing it was the last time he'd see him. If he'd known, he never would have walked out that door. He would never even consider leaving.
But he did leave, naively thinking that nothing would change between them. If anything, he thought he'd be back soon to marry him. But that never happened, because Brian made a decision for both of them. And even though he was supposed to hate him right now for everything he had put him through when he made that decision, looking at him he felt anything but hate. He felt fucking butterflies.
Brian suddenly turned his head and looked in his direction, catching him staring at him with basically drool running down his chin. Justin instinctively lowered his gaze and pretended not to stare at all, but he could see Brian's lips curl into a soft smile. It made him blush and he didn't dare look back up until Brian came back with their order.
"Here's your, uh, whatever it is." Brian let out a laugh and placed Justin's latte on the table in front of him.
"Thank you." Justin smiled. "How much do I owe you?" It was probably a pathetic question, but he had to ask.
And of course Brian raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Not a single penny, it's on me," he said simply, sitting down across from Justin.
"Thank you," he said again, taking a sip of his latte, which he immediately regretted because it was hotter than he expected. "Shit."
"Careful, it's hot." Brian teased him with a laugh.
Justin frowned at him again, but of course he couldn't help but laugh too. And it immediately reminded him of how playful and silly they used to be together, how much they laughed and enjoyed each other's company. But his laughter was soon replaced with a sad smile at the realization of how much he had lost. And he hated to feel that way, god it had been twenty years, he should have moved on by now, but the truth was it still hurt.
You know that saying that time heals all wounds? Well, clearly it doesn't.
"You still paint, I see." Brian filled the sudden silence.
Justin was slightly confused, so Brian nodded toward the bag full of art supplies that was hanging on Justin's chair.
"Oh," Justin sucked in a nervous breath. "No, not really, to be honest. I actually haven't painted in a while."
Justin could see the slight change in Brian's expression. It was obvious he wasn't happy to hear that. After all, the reason their paths had parted back then was because Justin wanted to follow his artistic dream and Brian didn't want to stand in his way. He wanted him to achieve everything he'd ever wanted, and he knew how much painting meant to him and the passion he was driven with. So hearing that he was no longer painting must not have been easy for him.
"So what's up with the bag?" he wondered.
"Uh," Justin cleared his throat. "Well, when I woke up this morning and looked out the window, the view I saw was just mesmerizing and all I could think about was how much I wanted to paint it," he explained. "I haven't felt like that in a really long time and it was nice to feel that excitement again, you know?"
"Yeah, I bet it was," Brian smiled. "And I guess I should be grateful for that, because otherwise we probably wouldn't have run into each other... and I'm really glad we did," he let out a shaky breath. "Because it really is great to see you, Justin."
Justin felt the butterflies in his stomach move. It was so fucking good to hear him say it.
But suddenly his stomach fluttered again and the world around him seemed to freeze in place as a memory flashed through his mind.
"For God's sake, why don't you just pick up the damn phone? Is this it? Are you really gonna give up on us that easily? Fuck you, Brian, fuck you for what you're doing right now!"
He really didn't want to revisit the most painful moments of his life, although it clearly couldn't be avoided, but he really hoped it wouldn't happen this soon. He hoped he'd be home, lying in his bed, with lots of ice cream and a box of tissues, not here, not now... not in front of Brian.
But what happened next took him by surprise and brought him right back to reality. Brian's hand landed right on top of his and squeezed it lightly, and a wave of emotions immediately rushed through Justin's body.
"Are you okay?" Brian asked softly.
But Justin couldn't bring himself to answer, all he could think about was how warm and soft Brian's skin was. He could list a million things he missed, but Brian's touch was what he missed the most. And this one touch was so electrifying he could barely breathe.
So as much as he hated to do it, he pulled his hand away. It was the only way to start thinking straight again.
Brian licked his lips nervously and leaned back in his chair. And then there was just silence. But it was obvious that Brian's mind was racing, and he wanted to say something, but the situation was already weird enough that Justin simply didn't want to give him the opportunity to say it. And he honestly wasn't even ready to hear it... whatever it was.
"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry," he said quickly, giving him a smile. "So... how have you been for the last twenty years?" He asked with a chuckle, but soon realized that the question wasn't as smiley and simple as it might have seemed.
It was fucking terrifying.