His good humor was cooled somewhat by how bad the traffic was across the bridge back to Seattle for this time of the evening. How people could put up with it day in and day out, in the dark and the rain was beyond him. It took him close to an hour to get to Capitol Hill, much longer than he had expected.

When he passed JT’s building, he was terribly disappointed to see that his parking spot was empty. Shit. He was too late. JT was probably out for the evening. He went around the block three times looking for a spot but ended up parking illegally, right against a stop sign. He wanted to go ring the bell, just to make sure, just in case JT’s car was at the shop, or JT had lent it to a friend or whatever, but he didn’t hold much hope of that being the case.

Right enough. Prolonged ringing did not bring any answer. Disheartened, Brian decided to go have some dinner and try again later. Choosing to take a chance with the efficiency of the Seattle parking authority, he stayed parked where he was and walked to Broadway, the main drag in Capitol Hill.

Brian had given up on the idea of fasting for every visit. He was losing muscle mass. So he’d just eaten plenty of fruits and vegetables this time and called it good. Zagat recommended the Lemon Grass restaurant for excellent Thai food and they were absolutely right. The waiter was a beautiful Thai man, with lovely light brown skin and delicate bone structure. He flirted with Brian as if his life depended on it, and Brian would have definitely taken him up on his offer if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was hoping to catch up with JT before the night was over.

He walked back after dinner, holding little hope. It was too early for JT to be back from clubbing. As soon as he could see the empty parking spot, he turned around and went back to Broadway where he’d seen a movie theater that was playing Brokeback Mountain. He was curious to see how the film compared to Annie Proulx’s magnificent short story. He came out dazzled by the performance of the two straight actors, and gutted by the terribly sad and lonely life their love for each other condemned them to.

He regretted that their first fuck scene had totally pulled him out of the story. With just spit on Ennis’s cock and no prep, Jack‘s scream of pain should have been echoing through the peaks and valley, and there certainly would not have been any guns going off… The passionate kiss scene after their years apart, on the other hand, rang so amazingly true. Brian had found it hard to swallow through the tightness in his throat. He realized how much more he had identified with the two men than when he’d read Proulx’ collection of short stories a couple years ago, and that it had nothing to do with the great acting job by Gyllenhaal and Ledger and everything to do with his own growing feelings for JT.

When he got out of the theater it was midnight. There was a late night showing of Crash, which he really wanted to see, at 12:30. That gave him just enough time to walk to JT’s and check if he’d made it home yet, and then come back. He doubted JT would be home so early if he was out dancing, but he still wanted to check. Just as he had before, he turned around as soon as he saw the empty parking spot. Crash was definitely one of the best movies he’d seen in a long time. He chuckled. He was totally striking out on the lover’s front, but he was hitting home runs when it came to movies.

It was 1:50AM. He knew most clubs closed at 2:00 in Seattle, so hopefully JT would be back by 2:30AM at the latest. He walked back to his rental car, because he could see JT’s parking spot from there and after cursing Seattle’s parking meter maid who’d given him a $32.00 ticket, sat behind the wheel and waited. He woke up shivering at 4:50. Still no JT. Fuck. Of all nights for him to go and sleep at a trick’s… Brian, tired, his body hurting from sleeping in the car, drove to the Silver Cloud Hotel where he got the cheapest room, and an eight o’clock wake up call to make sure he did not inadvertently miss his 9:30 meeting with Benex. He was happy he’d done so because indeed he slept until his phone rang. His presentation went well. They accepted the campaign and he was through with business for the weekend.

He went back to JT’s at 11:00 to find a white Honda Civic in JT's spot and the door wedged opened. He met two young women on the stairs and a third in the apartment, this one obviously in the process of moving in. What the hell? When had JT moved out? And why didn’t he know? Amazing that he had actually believed that surprising JT would be a good idea. Fuck!

“Hi. Do you have a new address for JT, the guy who used to live here?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve just arrived. I don’t know anyone. The landlord said the previous tenant had left no forwarding address.”

Brian threw in the towel. He’d been in town for eighteen hours, and had yet to see JT. He went to the closest Starbucks and e-mailed him. After all it had never yet taken JT long to answer.

JT.

I’m in Seattle and wanted to surprise you, but that was evidently not such a good idea. Where are you? I have a rental car and I can get a hotel room in case it works better. I’m cooling my heels at Starbucks, looking forward to hearing from you.

Aidan.

By the time he went to get his coffee, there was a response:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

JT@gmail.com

Technical details of permanent failure:

The email account that you tried to reach does not exist. Please try double-checking the recipient's email address for typos or unnecessary spaces. Learn more at http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?answer=6596

Brian just looked at it, feeling completely confused. JT moved and changed his e-mail? How the fuck was he supposed to contact him? And that’s when it hit him - that maybe he wasn’t. That perhaps both changes had been made with him in mind. That it was to distance himself from him that JT had moved, had changed his e-mail. That hurt like hell. And it seemed so insane! Why would JT cut him loose? Why? He thought back to his last visit, to their last kiss in the car. Something was wrong. Very fucking wrong.

After thinking for a minute about what he could do, Brian drove to Purr. The owner … Eric, yes, Eric was one of JT’s fuck buddies. It was Saturday. Perhaps the owner would be there. The bar was receiving a delivery. Brian asked for Eric, said he was a club owner himself and had a couple of questions.

It must have been a slow day, because the man came down from his office. He was a gorgeous part Asian man, with a nice smile.

“Can I help you?” He looked curious, and dressed as if he was on his way out.

“Uh, I hope you can. This young guy has been coming to my private club and wants a membership. He gave your name as a recommendation. I was in the neighborhood. I thought I’d check out his references.”

“What’s his name?” Eric looked suspicious.

“JT.”

“You’ve seen JT?” Forget suspicious, now he looked excited.

“Yes.”

“Where is your club?”

Hmm. The last thing he wanted was one of JT’s fuck buddies to show up in the Pitts.

“San Francisco. Club Babylon. We usually check references by phone, but I’m in town for other business and truthfully, though he was there as a guest, he’s taken my club by storm…”

The man looked eager to hear and believe anything from JT. “I just found out he moved myself. I was… surprised. We just saw each other last week, and… anyway. He’s great. Never gave us any trouble. I’ll just give you my card. He canceled his e-mail. Can you tell him to contact me?”

“Sure.”

“Uh… Do you know an Aidan in San Francisco?”

“Yes I do, why?”

“Was he the guy… the guy who brought JT to your club?”

“Yes. As a matter of fact, he was. How do you know?”

“JT mentioned his name… a couple of times. I was wondering if… if maybe they were a couple.”

“I don’t think so. Aidan doesn’t do boyfriends. I think they’re just friends.”

“Really? Weird. I thought… But whatever. Good to know he’s all right. Give him my card, OK?”

Brian left; disbelieving that Eric could have bought his flimsy story. He’d thought JT might have a boyfriend named Aidan. Why? Had Justin talked about him?

Brian went to Cuffs. Apparently, just like in Pittsburgh, Saturday was the delivery day for the club bars. The bartender Brian had talked to a couple months before was there, signing an invoice.

“Hey,” said the bartender. “We’re closed, you know.”

“Yes. I know. I’m… I’m a friend of JT. I was wondering if you know where he is.”

“Buddy, I’m a friend of JT, and I don’t know where he is. He’s gone. For good. He said goodbye on Friday.” The guy looked pretty gutted.

“Can we get a cup of coffee or something?”

“Why?”

“I’m from Pittsburgh. I came here this weekend to surprise him. I…”

The bartender nodded as if he knew all about him. “Aidan, right? You love him?”

“What?” What kind of a question was this?

“Do you love him? ’Cause I fucking love him and it didn’t make any difference.”

Brian didn’t know what to say, how to answer.

The bartender shook his head in disgust. “You can’t even say it, can you? Is it the nightmares? The PTSD?”

“What nightmares? What PTSD?” Were they even talking about the same person? Self assured, fun loving JT?

“Something brought bad memories back to him a couple weeks ago. He wakes up at night screaming, terrified. And he takes drugs to control it. He won’t see a doc. And now he’s run away, from the dreams, from everyone and everything. He said he was making a clean break. He’s finished with school. He could go anywhere. We won’t be seeing him again. Hopefully, far from here, he’ll get better again.”

A couple weeks ago? The only thing he had asked for that JT couldn’t give him was to let him top. Was that it? Would that have triggered some nightmare? PTSD. That was pretty serious. What the hell was that about? But they’d talked about the bottoming issue, and Brian had told him that he didn’t care… That what mattered to him was to be with JT… Oh, God, JT. Where did you go?

“Thanks, Jim.” Why the bartender’s name should suddenly come back to him was a mystery. And Brian added, because what was the point of lying to himself now? “And I do. I love him.” He left the club and drove straight to the airport. JT was gone. There was nothing left for him in Seattle.

He got a first class seat on the next flight to Pittsburgh and called Ted to come get him at the airport at nine. He sat on the plane feeling incredibly empty and profoundly sad. Nothing held his attention. JT, with his sunshine smile, with his fragrance of green grass and growing things, with his amazingly soft skin, his warm wicked mouth, his body that knew and understood Brian’s better than he did himself, his perfect lover, was gone. JT, with his quick mind, his endless interests, his agile conversation, his sudden laughter, had left him alone again. Alone and knowing what not being alone felt like. Horribly lonely for the very first time.

Why? Why hadn’t he talked about what was going on? They had trusted each other, hadn’t they? Why hadn’t Brian taken the first step and e-mailed him when he got back to Pittsburgh? Pride. Fear. What would it have taken to convince his boy that if he needed to run, he should run to him and not away from him? God, he missed him. He had missed him before, but he had always thought there would be a next time. Now he missed him with an unbearable ache, he missed him… forever.

He got to Pittsburgh and Ted was there, the engine running and the trunk open. He put his bags in and sat in the car, not in the least in the mood to talk. Ted seemed to understand and pulled away without asking the usual questions. But then, five minutes into the drive, Ted started to talk. Brian was set to ignore his babbling until Ted’s words registered.

“…his name is JT, and he met this business man in Seattle named Aidan…” And disbelieving, Brian listened to their story, from JT’s point of view, though how Ted could know any of it was beyond comprehension.

“…A pretty wife, with a wedding band, a boy, and a baby girl…” Oh, God, JT…

“He’d thought Aidan had meant he accepted that JT could never bottom and wanted him in his life anyway, and it broke his heart to realize that Aidan had meant he wanted him just that night, then would go back to his straight life with his wife and kids.”

“Ted. Don’t fuck with me. Do you know where he is?”

“Of course. Would you like me to take you there?” Ted was smiling at him, a teasing light in his eyes.

Brian laughed from pure happiness. “What do you think?” he asked Ted. Brian’s smile was probably ridiculously broad, but who cared. Ted picked up his cell phone.

“Hey, it’s Ted. Sorry to interrupt your hustle, but I was wondering if you could do me a favor? Could you meet me at your place in ten, fifteen minutes? I’m sorry, it’s really important or I wouldn’t ask… No, no, don’t bring Blake. Just you… Yeah, it won’t take long at all. We’ll go back right away… OK. See you soon.”

“All right, Bri. We can be there in five minutes and wait for him,” said Ted, “or you can come to our place, take a quick shower and be there in twenty.”

If he had anything to say about it, he and JT would be fucking very shortly after his arrival. He needed to feel JT inside him almost as much as he needed to breathe. “Shower,” he answered.

“OK.”

In the car again fifteen minutes later, trying to keep calm, Brian had to ask Ted, “Theodore, enlighten me. How in the hell do you know JT and what the fuck is he doing here?”

“Brian, what are the initials of Kinnetik’s new Art Director?”

“Justin Taylor. JT. Oh, my fucking god…”

Ted chuckled. “Right. He told me early on about Aidan, the man he was in love with but who was unattainable and little by little, well… I just had a strong suspicion that besides some glaring anomalies, like the fact that his Aidan apparently has no problem bottoming, you, Brian Aidan Kinney and Justin’s Aidan were the same person. And when you came back tonight, looking like a kicked puppy, I knew I was right.”

Ted seemed to hesitate a moment, but then forged ahead. “If I may give you some advice Brian… The first three words out of your mouth should be, “I’m not married,” and the next few, since I am well aware “I love you” might be too much for you, should probably be along the lines of “I want you in my life.”” Ted chortled. “Oh, and wait till after you fuck to tell him you’re Brian Kinney. He may have some stupid rule about fucking the boss, and wouldn’t that just bite?”

Brian had started chuckling at Ted’s description of him as a kicked puppy and by the end of Ted’s speech he just had to laugh. Ted, grinning, stopped the car, pointed to some outside stairs and said, “Justin’s new apartment is up those stairs. If you need me, just call, Brian. Good luck.”

“Ted? Thanks…”

*****

Getting ready for his evening with the guys, Justin decided to wear his black clothes, with a long sleeve purple t-shirt on top for the diner and Woody’s.

He met Emmett’s fuck buddy, though the guy looked so in love with Emmett, Justin didn’t think he qualified as that. He obviously wanted more from Emmett than Emmett was ready to give. Too bad. Drew Boyd was hot and very sweet. Apparently, he was a football player and was planning on two more years in the game, and Emmett was unwilling to be seriously involved as long as Drew was on the road most of the time.

They went and played pool, although no one was willing to play against him for drinks this time. Justin paired with Blake, who wanted to improve his game. Strangely, Ted wasn’t there, apparently he had some important errand to run. They were in the middle of crushing Drew and Emmett when Justin’s phone rang.

“Justin Taylor… Ted? A favor? Of course!... My place? OK. Do you need me to bring Blake?... Will we be coming back to Woody’s? … Alright then, I’ll be home in fifteen minutes…”

“Sorry, Blake” he apologized. “Your one and only needs me for something. I’m going to have to leave you alone swimming with the sharks…”

“Work probably. He was doing something for Brian.”

“Oh. Whatever. I’ll see you later then.”

“Yes. See you later.”

Justin drove home wondering what it was all about. Sim and Sam’s maybe? He couldn’t even begin to guess, so he stopped worrying about it. Ted was a good friend and he really liked Blake. Whatever this favor was, he was more than happy to help. He parked in the garage and ran up the stairs. He got a Perrier out of the fridge and checked his computer to see if there was mail from Brian.

There wasn’t. He guessed that unless Ted had news, he would hear the results of the Sim and Sam presentation on Monday along with everyone else. He brought the first panel, his favorite, up on the screen. The doorbell rang.

“Come in, Ted! It’s open…” he shouted.

It rang again. Hmm. Maybe one couldn’t hear from out there? Justin got up, walked to his front door and opened it… and it wasn’t Ted.

“Aidan.” Justin did not want to blink in case he was imagining it. “Aidan… Oh, my god, Aidan…” No. Justin wasn’t standing there; looking at the man he loved who had miraculously appeared, with tears threatening to run down his face. He wasn’t.

“I’m not married,” said Aidan. “The pretty woman is a college friend. She’s a lesbian, raising my kids with her wife.”

Oh, god. Ted had been right. Aidan was free. Aidan was free. Now it was worse, because he was being held in the arms he’d dreamt about every waking moment, but the only thing he could do was hold on for dear life and get Aidan’s collar all wet. He was such a silly little faggot.

“I… I … I want you in my life, JT,” added Aidan.

What do you do, when the fantasy you’ve been trying so hard not to have, suddenly comes true? Apparently, you let him take your face between his hands and kiss you until you see stars.

Then, somehow, you get naked and find your way up the ladder to the bed and make love looking into each other’s eyes, smiling, amazed at having found each other again, at the perfect fit of your bodies, at the strength of your heart for not exploding in your chest despite beating harder than ever before, overwhelmed with pleasure, coming so hard inside that man when his sweeping climax takes him that you pass out and wake up on his chest, his hands running lovingly through your hair.

Justin pulled out of Aidan’s body, holding onto the condom, discarded it and settled on his side, watching his gorgeous lover, smiling at him. Aidan backed away a bit, and got on his side as well, facing Justin, caressing his lips with the tip of his fingers, then his cheek, the arch of his brow.

“JT, I missed you so fucking much.” Justin always loved the way Aidan touched his face. “I’m so glad I found you.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” Justin explained. “I couldn’t be just a trick, Aidan. I…I have feelings for you, and the more we saw each other, the worse it would have been for me in the end. I might have been able to compete with a wife. But the kids, the little girl… To me she meant you were committed to that life.”

“Twat.” Aidan chuckled. “Next time I go see them, you’re coming with me.”

“Really?”

“Of course. I already told Mel about you…”

“You did?” Justin smiled. Aidan had talked about him with the mother of his children.

“Yes, Sunshine, I did.” He kissed Justin slowly, passionately. He whispered against his lips, “I thought I’d never see that smile again, and it nearly killed me.”

And one thing leading to another, they made love again, slowly, conscious of the meaning of the act at that moment. Feeling so close to one another it seemed they were one in their rising pleasure, one when it spilled over, one when Aidan collapsed on Justin.

In the emerald shower, Aidan had Justin laughing at him, telling him about Howard Johnson, and Justin had Brian in stitches with his car-buying story. Then somehow they were fucking, the hot water beating on their backs, Justin pumping hard and fast into Aidan, who was pushing back into him, driving him deeper into his warmth as Justin fisted Aidan’s beautiful cock. In a moment of clarity, Justin realized how crazy he had been to give this up without a fight. He fucking loved that man… They both came hard and fast crying out together.

Out of the shower, they walked around the apartment naked, picking up the scattered clothing, and hanging Brian’s garment bag. How they ended up fucking halfway up the ladder was a mystery, but the truth was that though awkward and exhausting, it was also amazingly good. Back in bed, they settled for sleep, Justin’s head on Aidan’s shoulder, but they couldn’t seem to run out of things to say, talking about Brokeback Mountain, being gay in the past, being gay in other places even in the present.

Finally, very late into the night, Justin made love to Aidan, just like he had two weeks before, putting his feelings in every caress, every kiss, every touch, his body telling Aidan’s Justin’s secrets, making it promises, and singing it his love. Only after that last magical coupling were they able to finally believe enough in each other’s presence to relax and go to sleep.

*****

In the middle of the night Brian got up to pee. That ladder was killer. They were going to spend a lot of time at the loft…

When he came back, Justin (he loved that name) had turned over in his sleep, so Brian got back in bed, spooning him lovingly. At first, Justin snuggled closer, and Brian was just falling asleep again, when suddenly Justin started fighting against his arm, elbowing him hard in the chin, crying mutedly in his sleep. Seconds later he had crawled away from his embrace, screaming “No! No! Don’t, please don’t!” He stood up and started backing away, yelling “Help!” at the top of his voice, getting closer and closer to the edge of the platform. Brian rushed to catch him before he fell, getting hit, slapped and scratched for his trouble. “No! No! nonononononononono!” Justin’s eyes were open and unseeing. Brian finally tackled him to the bed, so he wouldn’t fall 16 feet to the floor below. Justin’s knee missed his balls by an inch.

The whole time Aidan had been yelling his name, telling him to “Wake up,” shaking him, to no avail. Finally, hating himself, he slapped him, hard, screaming, “JT, Wake up! You’re safe! It’s me! Aidan!” The beautiful blue eyes focused on his face and Justin threw his arms around his neck, “Aidan! Aidan! Aidan!”

Brian held JT as he cried like a child in his neck, completely freaked out. Jim had said bad dreams, PTSD, but Brian had forgotten in the elation of having found JT again… Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell was this all about? What had happened to his beautiful boy? He rocked JT in his arms as he would Gus, whispering nonsense in a reassuring voice, “There, there. It was just a bad dream, I’m here, you’re OK, JT, there, there. I love you, shhhh… You’re going to be fine, I’ve got you…”

Finally, JT calmed down. He backed away, noting the vivid handprints and scratches on Aidan’s face and arms.

“Oh, Aidan, I’m so sorry. I hit you! Are you badly hurt?”

“No, you big pussy, you hit like a girl…” said Brian chuckling. It wasn’t entirely true. There were going to be a couple bruises, but he figured teasing JT was probably the best thing to do right now. He was right. JT looked at him in disbelief then started laughing and couldn’t stop, and next thing, Brian was laughing hysterically with him, and all the tension was released by the time they could look at each other without laughing again.

“You spooned me.”

“Yes.”

“Uh… Not such a good idea these days.”

“I’ve spooned you before, JT. All night long.”

“I know. My nightmares come and go. They’re back right now. Being spooned or held down in my sleep triggers them. I take medication for them. Obviously, I need to up the dose.”

“What does your doctor say? Why are your dreams back? What are they about? Are they dreams or are you reliving something in your past?”

“Uh… Let’s not talk about it, OK?”

“Hmm… OK. You were about to fall off the platform. Tomorrow, we’re moving your bed. The office can be up here and your bed bellow. You can put curtains attached to the platform’s edge for privacy, but you’re not falling and breaking your neck, OK?”

“That’s actually a great idea. This climbing the ladder to fuck is getting old already…”

Brian laughed. “I’m so glad you have your priorities in order…”

“Talking about priorities…” JT made his way down Brian’s body, taking his cock into his mouth. Brian realized JT really didn’t want to talk about his nightmares. He’d respect his desire. At least tonight. He relaxed and smiled, knowing he was going to feel so good in a short while, he wouldn’t remember his name. And he was right. JT’s blowjobs were… beyond the beyond. He knew he spent the last few minutes begging JT not to stop, to let him come in his mouth, please, please… and JT took pity on him, sucking him to completion, to an amazing orgasm somehow heightened by feeling JT suck out his cum and eagerly swallow, as if it was some precious nectar. It made him feel… loved.

“You don’t have to beg, you know… I love when you come in my mouth.”

“The first time you blew me, you stopped before the end and switched to rimming me. And it was fantastic, but somehow, it stays with me.” Brian chuckled. “I’m always afraid you’re going to stop before I come…”

“Oh! No! I traumatized you… Hey. I promise from now on, to always finish what I start, OK? I wasn’t aware then that you don’t know the meaning of refractory period…”

Brian grinned at him. “Like you do.”

“Well,” argued JT, “I am 22 years old. Already, I notice a short lag between my orgasm and my next hard on. By the time I’m 34, I bet I’ll need something like fifteen minutes.”

“A tragedy.”

“Not really. I love our pillow conversation. I don’t think we’ll ever run out of things to talk about…”

Brian’s heart started thumping in his chest. Innocently, without even being aware of it, JT had just painted a picture of them, many years down the road. That it made Brian feel so good was the freakiest thing that had ever happened to him. He refused to dwell on it. Instead, he kissed JT and said, “Let’s fuck.” JT laughed and kissed his way down Brian’s body until he was kneeling between his thighs and preparing him while he played with his dick. They made love, face to face, Brian’s legs tight around JT’s waist, ravaging each other’s mouth.

They fell asleep again, lying next to each other, their bodies touching from shoulder to ankles, JT’s hand on Brian’s wrist and Brian’s hand on JT’s thigh.

At seven in the morning, the alarm went off. JT stretched and smiled at Brian. “Aidan, I’m having breakfast with a bunch of friends. I’d love for you to meet them. They’re really nice.”

Oh. Right. Ted had said fuck first, tell him later. It was later. Time to talk…

“Uh… JT. There’s something I need to tell you. Don’t you wonder how Ted tracked me down?”

“Oh! Shit. I was so happy to see you, I didn’t even think about it!”

“Well, he didn’t have far to look. Between your story, and what was going on with me… He put two and two together, especially when he saw my social security card, which he needed a copy of for Kinnetik’s new security protocols…”

“You work for Kinnetik?” Justin looked a little worried.

“In a manner of speaking. You see, Aidan is actually my middle name. My full name is… Brian Aidan Kinney.”

“Brian Kinney? I’ve been boning my boss?” Now Justin looked disbelieving, not sure what to think.

“Yep.” Brian was not going to make a big deal out of it. There was no reason, as far as he was concerned, why they couldn’t keep their professional and their personal lives separate.

“How did the presentation go?” asked Justin, excited.

Brian had to laugh. Hello workaholic. Interesting priorities…

“Gloriously. They signed on for the whole package.”

“All right!” Justin grinned at Brian, the grin of the Art Director to the ad exec for their successful cooperation, then he frowned slightly, going back to more personal considerations. “So. You’re Brian Fucking Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue, who never bottoms.”

“Right.”

“And I have been making a point with everyone that I never bottom.”

“Right.”

“Fuck.”

Yes. Had he not made that point so strongly, they could have had a relationship. After all, no one needed to know what went on behind closed doors. But as it was, everyone knew they were both tops. Tops only. They were stuck. And then there was the issue of their work relationship.

“Right. Plus, as you so delicately put it, you’re boning the boss. Not good, at least until you prove yourself.”

“So, it’s into the closet for us I guess,” said Justin, looking at Brian expectantly.

“I’m afraid so.” Brian wasn’t thrilled about it, but neither would he have been in a hurry to publicize their relationship to the gang, no matter what. It was… precious. God only knew how they’d react, what they would do or say that could introduce more complications than there were already. So he wasn’t too bothered…

“Aida… Brian,” Justin looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he was about to reveal something he would have maybe otherwise kept to himself. “I… don’t want to be without you. I mean, if we have to be discreet, we’ll be discreet, but… I want to see you, be with you, not just as co-workers, but as lovers, often. All the fucking time, really.”

Brian cupped his beautiful face. Fuck. He didn’t want to be without Justin either. “We can become extremely close friends for all to see, Justin, and spend time together that way, even with others around, but I don’t plan on doing without our private talk, our hanging out, or our sexual relationship either.” He kissed him lightly and looked into the bright blue eyes. “I want to sleep with you too, as often as I can. Wake up with you, shower with you…” He caressed Justin’s bottom lip with his thumb. God, he wanted to fuck him. So fucking much. He tried not to let his mind go in that direction. It was pointless, and would only make Justin feel bad.

He continued, “We can email each other at any time. It might be good for you to resurrect JT@gmail.com, so we don’t use Kinnetik’s emails for private messages and we keep the professional and the private separate.”

“How often do you think we can reasonably expect to be together?” asked Justin. “As in ‘JT and Aidan,’ kind of together?”

“I’d like it to be… every night.” And fuck, but that was true, though he knew that even if nothing else was in the way, his need to top would be a big obstacle to that. “But realistically, I don’t know… Two, three times a week…” At least they could talk all the time, anytime. And that was good.

Justin looked at the floor, then looked again at Brian and admitted candidly, “I need to come two or three times a day at least. I’m going to need to keep tricking, Brian.”

“Same here. Plus I need to top. If you don’t care that I trick, I don’t care that you do. I think we both know the difference.”

Justin laughed. “Yes. I think so…”

Brian smiled too. “Right. I don’t give a shit about tricks, JT. I…” Fuck. Why had he started down that road? “I… care very much about you.”

Justin’s eyes were mocking, but Brian could tell it was as much a mocking of himself as of him. His blond was just as chicken shit as he was when it came to expressing how he felt. Justin got on his toes, kissed him and whispered against his mouth, “I love your lips.” Brian smiled self deprecatingly at how stupid they were, and kissed him, whispering back, “I love your smile.” Justin said, “I love your body,” and Brian answered, “I love your cock.” Justin concluded, “I love our kisses,” and he demonstrated why. Brian was in full agreement, and he enjoyed caressing Justin’s silken skin and playing with his soft blond hair as they turned each other on with their sensuous kissing.

When Justin pushed to roll him on his belly, however, Brian just couldn’t do it. He had bottomed five or six times the night before, and had loved every time, had actually passed out with pleasure the first time and had come hard the rest, especially on that damned ladder, but he just could not surrender again. It was beyond him.

Instead he worked his way to Justin’s beautiful cock and once there, turned around, positioning them for a sixty-nine. He came fairly soon, Justin giving him everything he loved, but Brian tortured his lover for a long time, until Justin was incoherent in his begging, until the head of his gorgeous pink cock was throbbing with his heartbeats and leaking precum non-stop. Brian was finally in control again, pushing Justin way past what was even remotely reasonable. When he eventually let Justin come, the blond shouted his name again and again, and then was sobbing in relief. Brian licked his salty tears and they tasted so, so sweet. Thankfully, Justin’s clear blue eyes were full of understanding and Brian knew he was forgiven.

There was no room for two such dominant, exclusive tops in one relationship, but they would both do what it took to make it work. Brian’s desire for them to be together trumped his natural inclination, and Justin was apparently willing to do anything he had to to make up for his lack of flexibility. Brian kissed him softly, gently, lovingly, for a very long time.

*****

They took a shower, and after Justin dropped Brian at his loft he drove to the diner. Everyone was there. He wondered what nonsense Ted had come up with to explain why he had not returned to Woody’s or showed up at Babylon the night before, and was a little concerned that Ted was on the phone standing next to the swinging doors in the back as he arrived.

He was reassured however when he sat down and Blake winked at him. Those two were such a team…

“Feeling better, Justin?” asked Blake.

“Yes. All better, thanks,” said Justin, going with the flow.

“Ted feels terrible about your allergic reaction. He had no clue they mixed peanuts with the cashews at that place… So much for bringing you a snack to apologize for making you work on a Saturday…”

OK. Allergy. Nice one, Ted. “It was a mild reaction. I just had to rest afterwards.”

“Well, who knew the clients would want to meet the guy who did the art for that campaign by Skype. Too bad you didn’t get a chance to say “Hi!” to them before you ate…”

“Yeah, well…”

Ted rejoined them, Justin getting up to let him slide in next to Blake and sitting down again.

“Yes. I did do a bang up job pretending to be you though! Amazing how unreliable Skype can be, cutting off like that after just twenty seconds…” Ted laughed. “Thank god you had that Epipen handy though…”

“I keep one everywhere I keep condoms and lube… So basically, everywhere,” answered Justin honestly, getting all three out of his jacket’s inner pocket, to demonstrate. He put them back in.

“Justin, I thought you didn’t start working for Kinnetik until Monday,” said Michael, who was across from him. He and Ben had pushed back their trip to Toronto by a week because both kids had bad colds.

“Well, officially I’m not, but Brian needed some artwork for a campaign ASAP, and he asked if I could help him. I was glad to. It was fun stuff. He needed it in a hurry to book two meetings out of town back to back and kill two birds with one stone.”

“He is always going out of town these days,” Michael said resentfully. “We hardly get to see him anymore…”

As if just talking about him had made him appear, Brian walked into the diner. Remembering, thanks to a timely kick from Ted under the table, that he was not supposed to have met him, Justin changed the “Here he comes now!” that he had started with, to “Here is one guy I wouldn’t mind taking to the back room!”

With no discretion whatsoever, Michael, Ben, Emmett and Drew turned around to see who had just entered the diner as Ted and Blake chuckled. Ben, Emmett and Drew turned back and joined them in their mirth as Michael said, with great satisfaction, “Well, stud, don’t hold your breath. Unless you plan on giving up your top only policy, you’re not going anywhere with him!” Then he got up and welcomed Brian.

“You’re back early!” He got a hug and a kiss on the forehead, as Brian said, “What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were visiting the Munchers this weekend.” He grabbed a chair and put it backwards at the end of the table, sitting cowboy style.

“JR is sick. Oh, and so is Gus. Just colds, but we wouldn’t be able to do anything fun with her.”

“You could have given their moms some time off while you watched the kids. I bet Lindz and Mel are wiped.”

Michael looked like the thought had never occurred to him. He defended himself. “I wouldn’t know what to do with a sick baby!”

Brian shrugged. “Whatever. OK, Ted. Mind making introductions, or do I have to do everything myself?”

“Oh. Sorry, Brian,” said Ted, the consummate actor. “Brian Kinney, this is Kinnetik’s new Art Director, with whom I believe you have communicated by e-mail. Justin Taylor, your new boss.”

Justin gave Brian his brilliant smile and said, “Well, shit. I was just mentioning that the guy who just walked in was very fuck-worthy, but it seems that sadly there are now two strikes against you: I’ve been told incessantly that you’re the Top at Babylon, and you’re also my boss. Oh, well. I guess I’ll save you as jerk off fantasy material…”

Michael looked horrified, but Brian burst out laughing. “Fuckworthy, eh? Well, I am ever so honored. You’re not so bad yourself for a blond. I might just have to jerk off to you…”

“Wait till you see his ass,” added Emmett, helpfully.

Michael, Ben and Justin all said, “Emmett!” as Justin felt his face redden. Brian hardly ever mentioned his ass. Justin hoped it was because Brian worried he would take it as a hint about bottoming, but in the back of his mind, he was a little insecure about it. Guys usually could not shut up about that particular aspect of his anatomy. Maybe it just wasn’t to Brian’s taste.

As if reading his mind, Brian leaned over and whispered in his ear, “I love your ass. I want to spank it and eat it, and kiss it, and come all over it… And you better laugh as if I just told you a dirty joke though, instead of looking like you’re about to come in your pants…”

Justin did laugh, and he didn’t have to fake it. He did want to come in his pants…

“What did you say to him?” whined Michael, hating to be left out.

“Something too shocking for your little ears, Mikey…” said Brian.

Luckily, Kiki arrived depositing some of the breakfasts on the table.

“I wish you two would control your mutual admiration long enough for me to eat my breakfast without images of you both jerking off in my head,” Ted added. “I find them a little disturbing. I have to work with the two of you, you know…”

After ordering an egg white omelet and grilled tomatoes Brian asked, ignoring Ted completely, “Where’s Debbie?”

“Mom went out last night. Again. With Carl,” explained Michael, obviously disapproving.

“Michael, he’s very nice,” chastised Ben. “She deserves a little fun once in awhile.”

“The guy is a closet homophobe. I just know it,” Michael replied. “You know, Brian. The kind that hates you behind your back.”

“There’s a third group, Mikey,” said Brian, almost gently. “The enlightened. Like your mother.”

“Since when?” asked Michael, obviously taken aback.

“Since I don’t want to be as senselessly prejudiced as they are,” Brian replied, building the sweetener packets into a card castle.

“But you always said…”

“I said a lot of stupid shit Mikey. Experience has taught me a few things.”

“Like what?” Michael looked worried, as if the foundation under his world were suddenly uncertain.

Brian only shrugged, not elaborating, starting his castle carefully again, after it tumbled down.

Justin has ordered some oatmeal. He was feeling a little queasy for some reason. He mostly listened to the banter around the table for a while and then ate his breakfast with pleasure. The oatmeal was very good and he was starving. They were all discussing their plans for the rest of the day when Justin headed for the bathroom, trying to act nonchalant, but running as soon as the swinging doors closed. He didn’t have time to close the stall door before he threw up his food.

“Oh, my god Justin, are you alright?”

Why, oh why had Michael needed to go to the toilet now!

“Is this a reaction to the epinephrine shot from last night?”

Oh, bless him. The perfect excuse. “Yes,” said Justin. “I always feel queasy the next day. I thought oatmeal would be ok, but obviously…”

“Do you need anything? Anything I can do?” Michael sounded so genuinely concerned. He was such a good guy, really.

“No. Thanks. Well, can you keep it to yourself? The last thing I want is everybody talking about it…”

“No problem.”

Michael used the urinal and washed his hands as Justin was rinsing his mouth. “You look really pale, Justin. Here. Have some gum.”

Justin was grateful for the gum and rubbed his cheeks to get a bit of color back into them.

“You know,” said Michael, “Brian was checking out your ass as you walked away…”

Justin felt himself blush again and Michael giggled. “There. I knew you’d blush if I said that! Now you can go back. You don’t look like a ghost anymore.”

They walked out together.

“Well, was he, or did you just say that to make me blush?” asked Justin, grinning.

Michael giggled again. “Oh, he was. Probably hating that you’re a top and that you work for him, considering the appreciative look on his face.” He bumped Justin’s shoulder with his own. They came back to the table, both grinning.

“What are you doing for the rest of the day, Justin?” asked Emmett.

“Hmm. Boring shit. Laundry and sleeping, probably. I‘m going to Babylon tonight. I’ve got to fuck, make up for last night. You’ll be there?”

“Not tonight. Drew is leaving tomorrow. We’re gonna stay in. Brian said he’s going.”

Justin looked at Brian and smiled, his stomach lurching. “I guess I’ll see you there then.”

“Guess so. I’ll try not to monopolize all the good looking tricks,” replied Brian.

“Much obliged, dear sir. Well, I’m off to an exciting morning of wash, dry and fold. See you all later.”

“Bye, Justin. Don’t forget, Darks with darks, lights with lights,” teased Ted.

“And pre-treat the cum stains. Protein can be stubborn…”

“Emmett!!”

Justin left, smiling. He smirked when he saw Ted’s car parked right in front again. The parking Karma was apparently still strong. He walked a block to his own car, and drove home.

Disgusted with himself, he got the Zoloft out of the back of his sock drawer, and on second thought, pulled the Xanax out as well. He sighed. It would take a week to ramp up the dosage of Zoloft to reduce his anxiety. Hopefully, he’d be able to keep some food down before that. He took a Xanax and went to bed. He needed to sleep anyway and Xanax worked great for that until he got used to it. It was 10:43.

At 5:30PM, he was awakened by his doorbell. He rubbed the sleep out of his face and went to open the door. It was Brian, Ted and Blake.

“Hey, Justin. We’re here to move your bed like you mentioned you wanted,” said Brian, carrying a gym bag.

“Wow.” Shit. Brian certainly didn’t waste any time. A fall from up there would be ugly, and Brian had obviously kept the real reason for the need to move the bed to himself, but Justin did feel a bit manhandled. “Ted, Blake, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize Brian was going to recruit your help.”

“Don’t worry,” said Blake. “We met at the gym and Ted and Brian were talking about how nice your place is. Brian just mentioned you weren’t keen on the ladder in the middle of the night. We actually volunteered…”

“Oh. Great then. Let’s do it.” Justin looked toward Brian, who was all business. He guessed that even though Blake and Ted were aware of their connection, Brian meant to act around them as he would around anyone else, with no public demonstration of affection. It felt weird, but it could be the anxiety talking.

The bed came down easy: First the futon, then the base in two pieces, then the tatami. The oak desk was a bitch to bring up, but with ropes from Ted’s car, they managed. The file cabinet was heavy as well, but relieved of files, and after the super heavy desk, it seemed like hardly any trouble at all. Justin and Brian remade the bed as Blake got Perriers out of the fridge and Ted plugged in the desk computer, printer, speakers and twin monitors.

Justin would miss the stars at night, but under the platform, there was a kind of intimate feel. Justin already knew exactly what he wanted to use to enclose his “bedroom” with. He also needed some light for the space; the green desk lamp on the floor was just not going to cut it.

After drinking their waters and joking about the fact that friends help you move, but real friends help you move a body, Ted and Blake took their leave.

Justin and Brian looked at each other, Justin feeling uncharacteristically at a loss. He hated the way the dynamics were changing between them. He doubted his instincts, overly conscious that each time Aidan bottomed, it was a sacrifice he was making for Justin, especially after that morning. He was also aware, in the back of his mind, that his Aidan was gone. This was Brian Kinney. His boss. And a man with a huge history around here. Almost a myth. Who the fuck was he? Some 22 year-old twink? He’d never felt that way with Aidan. He’d always felt on equal footing with him.

“JT. What the fuck is going on with you? Here I am, looking fucking hot (I know, because I checked myself in the mirror not five minutes ago), and you’re just standing there thinking, instead of doing what needs to be done so you can stick your tongue up my ass.”

If Justin weren’t honest with Brian now, with all the complications they were facing, they would lose each other for good. Maybe he just needed to find his equilibrium.

He smiled, to soften what he was about to say. “I’m having an identity crisis, Brian. I’m not sure who I am to you anymore, who you are to me, how I’m suppose to behave, what you want from me… I’m out of my depth.”

Brian frowned. “What exactly were you thinking just now?”

“That you’re right, that you are fucking hot, and that I want to fuck you but that I don’t want you to sacrifice your ass for me again… That I hate knowing I don’t satisfy you the way you do me, that I’m fucking horny and I wish I could trick so I could fuck without guilt, but that at the same time, I’d prefer a thousand times fucking you over fucking a trick.

“That you’re only going to put up with me for so long, that you’re Brian Fucking Kinney and who the fuck am I to expect you to give it up, again and again, when tricks line up for the honor of getting your cock up their ass? That I’m just another blond twink like you can have a hundred of any day, except they can give you what you want and not wake you screaming in the night, attacking you, because they’re not fucked up in the head.

“That you are my fucking boss. That if I butt heads with you at work in a way that may seem stronger than appropriate, you’ll think I’m taking liberties because we fuck, when actually I have always been an arrogant prick when it comes to what I do, because I’m the best.”

Brian walked the short distance that separated them, put his hand behind Justin’s neck and kissed him thoroughly. Then he took him by the hand and took him to sit at the bar, because it was closest.

“Justin, do you know why I came back to Seattle after that first time? Because you rocked my world. Because getting fucked by you is a thousand times better than fucking any trick. But it’s not why I do it anymore. Though it’s still true that sex between us is… God, insanely good? It’s not what it’s about anymore. It’s about showing physically how we feel, being as close physically as we feel. So, I don’t sacrifice my ass for you. I happily give up my ass for us, for that physical closeness that I know we can’t share in any other way.

“But I will trick, because I love to be in control, to physically take someone. If it could be you, I’d never have another trick again. They are nothing to me but a means to physical release. They are the same twinks and men I fucked before I met you. I don’t know their names, I don’t talk to them, I never hear from them again.

“You… I want to know everything about you. And the more I know, the more I… love. I know how you smell after a shower, after we work out, when you’re aroused, while we fuck, after we fuck and when you wake up, and I love it.

“I know the passion in your voice, and how different it is when you are in a passionate discussion, or when you have passion for what we discuss, and when you speak to me mid-passion. I know the noises you make while you sleep, the noises you make when you need to fuck me, the noises you make when you need to come, your cries of pleasure, and I love them all.

“I know your touches, your silent thank you touch, your I’m sorry touch, your I’m horny touch. The touch that says it’s going to be slow and sensuous, the one that says you’re going to fuck me into the mattress, the one that means you are going to be playful or teasing or generous or wild. I can read your touches like a blind man, and I love them. I never want you to stop touching me.

“I know there is something dark that tortures you in the night, that terrifies you and that it made it the scariest thing in the world for you to let me tie you down, and I also know that it’s triggered by me spooning you. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out it’s also why you cannot stand being fucked, not being the one in control. I don’t hate you for it. Whatever it is, I wish I could make it go away, so you’d never be scared, never be hurt. And it fills me with sorrow that I can never show you, in the best way I know how, how I feel about you.

“And yes, I’m your boss. And I know you are an arrogant little shit, but that you have every reason to be. We will clash, because I’m an arrogant asshole too, who also has every reason to be. We’re going to be the hottest team out there, and we’re going to sink the competition. I can’t wait. And I’m glad to be doing it with you, because you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me so fucking happy, Sunshine.

“Brian Fucking Kinney never talked, by the way. Yet, for some reason with you, Aidan seems to do nothing but, and it’s spilling over into the rest of my life. I was stuck in a rut and knowing you has shoved me forward into the next phase of my life. And the best part about it is, that contrary to what I thought on that plane yesterday coming back from Seattle, looking, to quote Ted, “Like a kicked puppy,” the best part is that you are with me, to come with me wherever I’m going now, if you want to.”

Justin was blown away. He’d been looking for some reassurance and instead got the most unbelievable declaration of love. He got up and stood in front of Brian, the height of the bar stool erasing the six inches between them. He rested his forehead against Brian’s, looking into his large gorgeous eyes that shone with the passion with which he had just spoken. He smiled at him and said softly, “I love you.”

As requested earlier, Justin did what needed to be done so he could stick his tongue up Brian’s ass for a nice, long, moan-inducing rimming, then warned him he was not going to let him come in his mouth as he gave him a breathtaking blowjob while preparing him to only two fingers. Then he lubed up both himself and Brian very generously, and gently, but irrevocably, forced his way in. Brian’s knees were heavy on his shoulders, their eyes never left each other, Brian breaking into a sweat and biting his lower lip at the intensity of the stretch and of the burn. Brian was so tight, his rectum so long and straight, a perfect match for Justin’s straight cock. Every time, Justin was amazed at the perfection of their physical mating, at the intensity of the pleasure of that first penetration, aware that it was an exquisite torture for Brian, especially this time.

Fully into Brian he stopped, and Brian slowly relaxed, smiling at him. Justin set out to make up for that selfish moment of bliss by using every aspect of the shape of his cock, every ounce of his experience, and every bit of his infallible instinct to give Brian as much pleasure as a man could get from being fucked.

He loved watching Brian slowly lose his grasp on his intellectual self, the pleasure erasing his thought process until he was no longer controlling his cries, his expressions, the wildness in his eyes, caring for nothing but the continuation of the amazing sensations Justin was producing, until Brian’s eyes glazed with need, and with one last shout, he reached completion. He was so beautiful as he convulsed with each jet of release, the last few accompanied with “Oh, God… Oh, God, Justin… Oh… Oh… Justin… Justin…” Nothing brought Justin more pleasure than the look of awe in Brian’s eyes, and he let go, coming long and hard in the condom, as deep inside Brian as he could, letting him see the pleasure he wrought.