Making love - Part 2

As they were eating breakfast, Brian recounted the dinner in detail. Justin really wished he could have witnessed it himself. He had not met Heather before, but after last night, and the pink champagne story, he understood why everyone always considered her Alan’s greatest asset.

On the way to work, Brian got a triple espresso, and Justin a double shot latte. He needed the caffeine, but didn’t need the shakes. They also had the cab stop at the corner newsagent, and bought all the newspapers whose reporters Paul had spoken with the night before. All of them mentioned the Tuscan scandal on page one, and the story itself was on page one or three.

Paul looked great: responsible, concerned, upset to have to expose one of his clients. Plexus came out looking very well, and the blame was placed squarely on Tuscan himself, thanks to the extremely well documented communication between Brian and Tuscan Enterprise’s CEO.

The New York Times was starting an investigation regarding the real reason for Tuscan to have hidden the side effect because, just like Brian, they knew he would never have put the drug on the market. Paul had hinted that Plexus suspected more, but that without proof, they couldn’t say. He had done a fantastic job.

Justin stopped the cab again three blocks from Plexus and got out. “Adam and I are done with the opera thief’s storylines and boards. I think we will be showing them to you before lunch,” he said.

“Do you like them?” asked Brian.

“Love them. But it’s your idea. You should make sure you got what you wanted. Everything can still be changed at this point. You know you don’t ever have to worry about hurting my feelings or anything like that, right?” The last thing he wanted was for Brian to start treating him differently that anyone else at work.

“Don’t worry, Justin. If I don’t like something, you’ll know about it…Work is work.” He smiled at Justin.

Justin smiled back. It was early still, so he did not have to hurry. He thought back to their lovemaking, and what he had told Brian. Did he regret making such a commitment? He smiled. No. It had been a commitment of the heart long before it was a promise to Brian. He had not looked at another man that way in a long time now. Even Brandon. Brandon was his beautiful friend, and ex-lover. He had no desire to rekindle that flame.

They had both been dancing around the issue of making love without a condom. Justin had taken the same liberty as Brian had, penetrating him without one. He had done it to let Brian know that he was aware that that last time had been deliberate, to let him know that he wanted it as well, and to feel what it would be like from the top’s point of view. It had been… Suddenly he felt a shiver down his back. What the fuck had he been thinking?

Just a few hours before he had been telling himself he really should be tested again for HIV, and then he had entered Brian without protection? Oh God. What if he was positive? What if Brandon was, or the couple of guys he’d fuck in back rooms? What if he’d infected Brian? Oh God, oh God… He broke out in cold sweat. How could he have done something so stupid, so fucking stupid? He had been leaking precome already when he went in. And Brian was so tight, there had to have been some tearing, even if it was microscopic, it was enough. Justin was horrified, sick to his stomach. His legs felt like Jello.

He’d made it to Plexus. He walked in and went to Sarah’s desk. “Hi, Sarah, hey, you wouldn’t know if there is a Doc in a Box around here, would you? I’m feeling really crummy. Food poisoning I hope, but…”

“Oh, Justin, you do look awfully pale. There is a clinic just two blocks from here. I think they open at 7:30, though, so you might be early, but that way you’ll be first in line.”

She got on the computer, and printed a map. “I’m sure you don’t need it but I’m terrible with directions. If you want I can call Mr. Rosen and let him know you’ll be a little later than usual.”

Justin was looking at the map in his hand. Easy, it was only maybe ten minutes away, but Sarah had a point about being first in line. “Sarah, that would be super kind of you, I’d really appreciate it. Tell him I’ll be there at eight at the latest, OK?”

She smiled. “No problem. Go ahead. I’ll see you later.”

Justin stepped back outside and made his way to the clinic. The doors were locked, but he could see people inside already, getting ready for the day. By the time the doors opened, there were three people in line behind him. He went to the reception.

“I need an HIV test,” he said.

“Eliza or rapid result?” she asked.

“What’s the difference?”

“If you have a positive result with the rapid result, you have to confirm it with an Eliza. If it’s negative, it’s negative. Eliza takes a couple of days. Rapid result takes about ten minutes.”

“Oh, my god. Definitely rapid result.”

“Good choice. We offer those for free.” She smiled. “Carlos will take care of you.” She buzzed someone and said, “Next?”

Justin just stood there, not sure where to go, when someone whose name could only be Carlos came and smiled at him.

“Rapid result HIV?”

“Yes.”

“This way.”

Carlos was obviously gay. He was small, 5’7” maybe, but really, really cute, with dark complexion and a dimply smile, and a very nice ass.

“You look scared,” he said. “You know, even if you had unprotected sex with an HIV positive man, you will not necessarily be seropositive, and you might not seroconvert for three months…”

“I didn’t. I’ve never had sex without a condom, but yesterday… I entered my boyfriend without a condom. I pulled back out, and put a condom on, but I was leaking precome, and I haven’t been tested in over a year, and I suddenly realized I could have contaminated him if I’m positive. I’m sick about it. It was so stupid.”

Carlos nodded. “Here is what we'll do. We only need one test, but you’re freaked out so we’ll do two, OK? We’ll do the Oraquick, and the Reveal G2. We’ll start with the Oraquick, it takes a little longer to develop, and do the reveal. By the time we get the result for the reveal, we’ll also have the result of the Oraquick, and I’m sure they’ll both be negative.”

“From your mouth to God’s ear,” said Justin, using one of Daphne’s grandmother’s expressions, and wondering why it had come to him so naturally.

Carlos smiled, and took a weird paddle looking implement out of a foil packet. “Open wide,” he said. He took a scraping inside Justin’s cheek, and put the paddle in a tube of solution. He started a kitchen timer. “All right,” he said. “One down. Roll your sleeve up. I need some blood.”

Somehow, that made Justin feel better. The first one just seemed too easy. Stupid, really, but there you have it. Carlos took a vial of blood and put it in a centrifuge for a couple of minutes. When it came out, it had separated into a dark red clump and a yellow liquid. He poured some of the yellow liquid in a small boxlike thing he had taken out of a foil packet as well.

“Now we wait three minutes,” he said.

“”Three minutes and we’ll know?” asked Justin thinking this was too good to be true.

“Yes. Three minutes and we’ll know. You said you have a boyfriend. Have you had sex with anyone but him lately?”

“Not since Christmas.”

“And you guys always use condoms?”

“Yes. Always.”

“Do you know when he was tested last?”

“No, I have no idea.”

“Has he had sex with other people?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Seems to me you two should talk. You should find out when his last test was, and if he had sex with anyone else but you since. If he has not, and is confirmed negative, a month from now, you should come back and we can run the tests again and then there will be no question about you being negative. If he is having sex with others, even if he is negative, you’ll never be 100% sure, because he can seroconvert up to three months after contamination. Does it make sense?”

“Yes. Thanks.”

Carlos emptied the box on a wad of gauze, and read the results. “Negative,” he said. Just then, the kitchen timer dinged. He took the paddle out of the liquid and read that. “Negative,” he said. He grabbed Justin’s hand. “Your spit has no virus. Your blood has no virus. It means your precome has no virus. And that means you could not have infected your boyfriend. You’re all right. He’s all right. Everything is all right.”

Justin felt relief overwhelm him, and he couldn’t help the tears that came with the constriction in his throat. Next thing he new, he was sobbing on the smaller man’s shoulder. Carlos was rubbing circles on his back. “Thank you, thank you…” he mumbled.

“You’ve been smart up until now, always using a condom. Keep it up. Don’t play Russian roulette, even with your boyfriend. If you guys want to go bareback, do it right, by the rules, and you’ll be fine. You really love him, eh?” He handed Justin a kleenex.

“More than anything. I… I do. I love him more than anything.” Justin wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

Carlos smiled at him. “He is a very lucky man. We should all be so lucky to be loved this much. Come on. Smile. Life is good.” He chuckled. “Go and sin no more…”

Justin got up to leave. “I’m sorry I…” He gestured to the kleenex in his hand.

“I spend my day giving people either wonderful news, or the worst news they will ever hear. Believe me. People like you make my day.” He handed Justin a form he had just printed. It showed the tests' names, the results, the date, and his signature. Justin folded it and put it in his pocket.

“Bye, Carlos."

“Bye.”

On the way back to Plexus, Justin felt incredibly lucky. Yes, he had always been careful, but one stupid, selfish act could have had such awful consequences. He had not been angry when Brian had done the same thing to him, and he still wasn’t because he had no idea what Brian’s situation really was. But as Carlos had said, they should not be playing Russian roulette. He would make sure of that.

He had passed the flower seller, and came back, buying a small tight bouquet with pink roses, pink tulips and baby’s breath. This guy’s flowers were always so nice.

Walking once more, he thought back to the other ways in which the night had been out of character for him. Making Brian swear that Justin would be his only top, for example. It had not so much come out of any possessive urge Justin might have felt. He knew for a fact that Brian would not let anyone top him other than himself, just like Brandon would not trust his ass to anyone but Todd. They both hated bottoming with anyone else.

But Brian had asked that promise from him. It had been his attempt to let Brian know that he would really like it if their relationship were exclusive. It was so stupid. Why could he not ask for what he wanted? Why go through this charade?

He admitted the truth to himself. He simply could not handle asking and being told “no”. It would hurt so much. He thought about pulling out of Brian, and spraying come all over him, thinking , “Mine, you are mine.” Such wishful thinking. He suddenly stopped walking. Oh dear God. Had he said it aloud? He tried to remember. Well, if he had, Brian had apparently not minded.

Brian had brought up not using a condom anymore in the future several times last night. Did he mean in the far future? Did he mean as soon as possible? He had Justin’s promise not to have sex with anyone else. So now how soon they could have naked sex depended entirely on Brian and what he wanted to do.

Justin knew it was clear to both of them that there would not be condom-less sex between them while there was still sex with others. The risks were not great, but still too great by far. He shivered with a flash of what might have been, and took a deep breath. Everything was all right, thank god. But it had been too close for comfort. He needed to make it clear to Brian that there would be no more games. He’d arrived at the door. He could not believe he had made it back to Plexus already.

“You OK, Justin?” asked Sarah.

“Yes. I’m fine. It must have been something I ate. I feel 100% better.”

She smiled. She was really sweet, even if she wasn’t all that bright. She was always ready to give someone a hand.

Justin gave her the small bouquet. “I thought you might like a little bit of early spring. I was really not feeling good earlier. You don’t know how much it meant that you were so willing to help. I’m pretty sure medical referrals are not part of your job. So this is to say thank you, Sarah, and let you know I appreciate your kindness.”

“Oh, my God! The only person who ever gave me flowers was my Dad! And they are so pretty! Justin, I don’t know what to say… And you’re gay and everything. You’re not even doing it to get anything, but you really think I’m nice. That’s… That’s just super.” She giggled, embarrassed at her long speech, and he had to laugh.

“See you later, Sarah.”

“Bye, Justin.”

Justin made it to the Art Department at 7:55. How Plexus had brought down Tuscan was on everyone’s lips. Somehow they all knew Brian had instigated the entire thing, and they took some amount of personal pride at the fact that their “Asshole” had washed the floor with Tuscan. Justin was always amused by the dichotomy of the members of the Art Department’s feelings towards his lover.

Julie was also singing Brian’s praises this morning, because he had finally found an angle she could work with that the rep from Parchment had accepted. Generally a very good day for Brian…

At eleven, Adam came and got Justin and the storyboards for the Moebius Electronic campaign. Each storyboard was amazingly detailed, even more so than normal because Justin had had such a thorough visual of every small detail. They had pictures of the actors they had chosen for the roles of the Italian mason and the music teacher, with a couple of other choices for each, if Brian did not like them.

Adam had laughed when Justin had added the sample of materials for the corduroy pants, the theater seats, and even the music teacher’s cashmere sweater, but he’d had to admit the once the boards were finished it looked fantastic, the colors somehow deepening the emotional impact.

If they got Kinney’s approval, they would start filming the next day. They had found the perfect location for the opera scene, in some old theater, which would be computer enhanced. And for the staircase scene, it turned out that the Maritime museum had a staircase like the one they needed, except the busts were those of famous sailors. They would replace the busts for filming, and add a crystal chandelier and some gold accent digitally.

Adam did the bulk of the presentation, explaining the angles, the lighting, the change of focal depth and so on. Brian seemed to be completely at ease with all the technical aspects, and asked a couple of questions. Then they spoke of the choice of actors. Brian approved. Then finally they got to the details of the scene. Justin had a turn at dissecting his choices. It was interesting trying to explain gut feelings. Overall it went very well, and Brian approved the beginning of filming.

Justin and Adam were leaving when Brian called him back, wanting to talk about Montrose Linens. Justin knew that was bullshit since it was Julie’s project, but of course stayed behind.

Brian got up and walked to him, putting his hand on his cheek. “How are you holding up?” he asked, and for a second Justin thought he knew about his crisis of conscience that morning. Then he realized Brian was only concerned because he’d gotten so little sleep.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I don’t have classes this afternoon. I was going to paint, but if I crash, I’ll just go home.”

Brian moved closer, and backed away, moved closer again and then kissed him, as if he’d been trying hard not to but just gave up and stopped resisting. Of course after a minute, one of Brian’s hands was behind his neck, the other at the hollow of his back and their bodies were pressed against each other.

Justin was getting aroused fast, the memory of the night before and his ambivalence about some of the things that had happened somehow increasing his need to be close.

“Oh, my God, Justin,” said Brian, “it’s ridiculous but I want to fuck you, right here, right now…”

“Do it. I want it too,” said Justin, feeling amazingly emotionally needy. “So much you have no idea. Please do it, please…”

“Fuck,” said Brian, looking towards the door. “Fuck it. Bend over my desk.” He went to lock his office.

Justin pushed his pants and underwear down to the top of his boots, and bent over the desk, his cock leaking precome as if it were on sale.

“Oh, Justin…your ass is so beautiful.” Justin could hear the ripping sound of the condom packet. “Your hole,” Brian was putting lube there, “your hole is so innocent looking, a pink little folded star, just waiting to open for me, and it’s the fucking gate to heaven. Oh fuck, Justin, I’m coming in, I can’t wait, please say you’re ready, please…”

“Fuck me, Brian, fuck me.” Justin’s heart was beating hard. He needed Brian’s love right now, needed to feel it.

The head of Brian’s cock had been at his entrance, and as soon as he gave the OK, he was breached and Brian pushed forward and pulled back, again and again until he was fully seated. It felt so good, Justin had needed this so much.

“Justin, Justin,” and Brian started fucking him, not as Justin had expected, hard and fast, but on the contrary, slow, and deep, running loving hands on his back, on his buttocks, massaging his shoulders. He reached a hand slicked with lube around Justin’s body and started jerking him off lovingly, doing that thing he did even better than Justin himself, pressing the ridge of the head of his cock with his fingers and driving him crazy.

“I love fucking you, Justin. I think about it all the time. I used to think about fucking all the time, but now it’s all about fucking you. What I’m going to do to you next, how I am going to take you, where and when. I love your body, I love your ass, god, I love your ass…” He covered Justin’s body with his and whispered in his ear, chuckling, “Aren’t you scared, Justin? It used to take two or three guys a day to keep me satisfied, and now it’s all up to you…”

Justin was high on the sensations of Brian’s deep and slow fuck, of his cock loving the hand job. He was in that space where it felt so incredibly good but had not yet reached the sudden urge for completion you got when you got close to climax, that window in time where you thought you could keep at it forever, in perfect bliss. It was also a time when one did not control one’s thoughts or one’s speech as much as one usually did.

“I love when you fuck me, Brian. God, this is so good, don’t stop…I love it. You can fuck me anytime, anywhere. I’m always hot for you. I’ll suck you anytime. I love you in my mouth, down my throat. You can fuck me against the wall in a back room, on my hands and knees in the lounge, anyway you want in the orgy room. I can give you what you need. I’m not scared.” The pleasure was building, threatening to take him away.

“You feel so fucking good, Justin, so fucking good, so tight, so soft, so welcoming”

“Don’t stop, Brian, don’t stop, it’s so good, it feels so… fuck, I’m getting close, I love it, Brian, I love your cock in me, please, Brian, fuck me and no one else.” He had to shut up. Brian changed angle and it felt so, so good… “Please, don’t give this to anyone else, Brian, it’s mine… I’m not scared, whatever you need, I can give to you…” He bit his lip to stop the words he knew he would regret when Brian said no, not yet, I need more, you can’t replace two or three guys, and even as his orgasm took him, he already felt ashamed for what he’d said, of his stupid desire for exclusivity.

He felt Brian’s release follow his, and loved knowing he had pleased him, that he could please him. At the same time, he felt so pathetic, he just wanted to cry. How could he ever be enough for this man? He was just some blond little twink with a good ass.

He felt so tired all of a sudden, so emotionally rung out, so fucking discouraged. Brian pulled out of him and he started to cry, the loneliness unbearable. He was so childish, with his hopes and dreams. He was lucky to even be part of Brian’s life. Brian was pulling up his underwear and pants for him. He couldn’t even do that for himself.

Brian helped him stand, and did not look surprised at his tear covered face. He took him to his couch, and sat the way they always had in the taxi cab. “Justin, Sunshine, don’t worry. You’re tired… You’re more than tired, you’re exhausted. We need to find a compromise so you get enough sleep, love, and time to exercise. Your body is crashing, and not just because of last night, but because you have been barely getting by for over a month.”

Brian pulled Justin closer and turned him a little, so that Justin’s cheek was against his heart, and he caressed his face. Justin was still crying. He felt so ridiculous, but he loved the way Brian was holding him and touching him.

Brian got his phone out of his pocket, and dialed. “Cynthia, I need you to cancel my afternoon… I know… Yes… No… Some things are more important… Yes. Exactly… Thanks.”

Brian said, ”I know what you’re thinking, Justin. You feel guilty because I just freed up time to be with you from my busy work schedule, and you’re afraid I am going to be upset about it, resent it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though you’re tired, and I should really wait until you’ve had some sleep to lay this on you, there are a couple of things I want to say. I’ll say them again after you’ve rested, I promise, but I think you need to hear them now.” He pushed Justin’s hair back on his forehead, and smiled at him.

“I love you, Justin. Yes, the sex between us is amazing, but this has nothing to do with sex. I love you. I care about you. You, not my clients, not my work, not sex, you are the single most important thing in my life. Your happiness, your well being matter more than anything. I have been keeping some things from you, because I wanted to have a big reveal at some point in about a month. I’ve been hanging onto that notion, and it was stupid, because I knew it was on your mind. I’m sorry, Sunshine.” He kissed Justin’s forehead.

“That guy I can’t even remember, the one I fucked in the back room of Babylon when I went there with Brandon? That was the last trick, Justin. I have not fucked anyone, or had anyone suck me, or even had a hand job from anyone since. When I go to clubs, I jerk off watching the action, and it’s nice, but it just makes me want to come home and fuck you.

“And I never want to fuck anyone but you ever again. You are all I need, all I ever want. And even if something happened, and you and I could no longer fuck, I still wouldn’t want anyone else. I. Love. You.”

Justin was stunned. Brian… Brian was giving up the life he had loved for fifteen years, out of love for him. Not because Justin had asked, but because Brian wanted to, because Brian loved him.

“I got an HIV test in Pittsburgh, and one every month since, and I am negative. Even though I'm negative, I should never have entered you without a condom like I did the other night. That was really fucked up and I promise not to do it again. I know you did the same and I’m not upset, because I’m the one that started this stupid game, but until we both have not fucked anyone else in the past three months and both have gotten a negative test, we need to stop that shit.”

That would be in one month. Only one short month to go and…

Brian sighed. “I have been wanting to know, Justin, but our rules were clear that you were free to do whatever you wanted, and I… I was afraid to find out. But, screw the rules. I really want to know. When… When was the last time you fucked someone… other than me?”

“Brandon. Before Christmas.” said Justin, amazed Brian had felt about it the way he had, hoping but not saying anything.

Brian laughed in relief. “Justin, oh, Justin, that makes me so happy.” He hid his face in his hands. “I’ve become such a lesbian.” He laughed again, and Justin could not help but join him.

“When was the last time you had an HIV test?” asked Brian. Justin got the paper out of his pocket, and handed it to him. “Today? Why today?”

“I couldn’t believe I’d entered you without a condom. It was so stupid, and dangerous, and careless, and… I hadn’t been tested in forever. I had fucked Brandon for god’s sakes, that’s half of Pittsburgh’s gay population. I couldn’t believe I put you at risk. If I’d been positive… God, I don’t even want to think about it. There was no excuse. I’m so sorry. The guy at the clinic said no virus in the saliva, no virus in the blood means no virus in the precome, so you’re safe. I just hope you can forgive me.” He couldn’t stop another flood of tears.

“Justin, I did the same thing to you…” said Brian wiping his eyes.

“No you didn’t. You’d just been tested. I’m not saying it was smart, or OK, but it was definitely not the same thing…”

“OK. I was stupid, selfish and careless, you were stupider, more selfish and more careless. Now I forgive you, you can forgive me and yourself, and we can both thank god there was no harm done. And we can put it to rest. What do you say?”

“I love you,” said Justin. He was so lucky. He had just been given all he ever wanted. “I love you so much.”

Brian smiled. “I am so fucking lucky. Let’s go home, OK? We can go to bed, and I’ll hold you until you fall asleep. Then I’ll make myself comfortable and work on my laptop until I’m tired too, and I’ll curl up around you and sleep until morning.”

“That sounds really good. I am so tired.”

Brian kissed his lips, his nose, his forehead. “Let’s go,” he said.

He made a quick call to the catering place not far from their house, and after Justin made his choice, ordered a roast beef sandwich, a turkey sandwich, Mac and Cheese, a Salad for two with dressing on the side and heaps of steamed vegetables. They picked everything up on the way home.

At the loft, they both stripped out of their work clothes down to their underwear and undershirts, put on sweats, and had their meal. The prospect of sleeping for as long as he wanted felt like a miracle to Justin, and the knowledge that the man sitting next to him was his lover in every possible way had lightened his heart unexpectedly.

When he had thought Brian had sex regularly with others when he went out on his own, he had accepted it, and had refused to dwell on it. Now he realized how much the thought had weighed him down, how deeply unhappy it had made him. He knew it would have been just sex, and would have meant nothing, and he was embarrassed, really, not to be the free spirit he had hoped to be.

No one but him would ever make Brian come again. No one would swallow Brian’s come but him, no one would share with him the pleasure Brian had to give. It was all his. And he loved it.

They had eaten quietly, mostly because Justin had been ravenous, and had concentrated on his food. At one point he had looked up to find Brian watching him, smiling at his enthusiasm for the meal. “I was really hungry,” he explained, rather unnecessarily, since there was absolutely nothing left. He’d even eaten what he thought was turnip in the steamed vegetables though it was not very good.

Brian had eaten his sandwich, a few steamed vegetables and some salad without dressing. He was peeling a Granny Smith, and passed a quarter of it, peeled and cored, to Justin. “Dessert,” he said, giving him another, when Justin made quick work of the first, then another and then finally the last quarter.

“I ate your apple,” said Justin, smiling.

“It was for you,” replied Brian, smiling as well.

“It was really good.”

“That’s because there was love in it.”

They both burst out laughing. It took only a couple of minutes for everything to find its way either to the compactor or to the dishwasher. They went to the bathroom, flossed and brushed and peed and undressed, Brian brought some pillows and his laptop for later and closed the electric blinds Justin had not even known existed.

Justin lay down with a sigh of relief, as Brian spooned him. He felt very, very good. He looked at the clock. It was 2:30pm.