Purgatory

Alan had been waiting for Brian at the airport. He totally understood Brian’s need to keep his word to his son, and had been eager to help out, making Brian feel even more like a jerk.

Alan had given him their strategy. They were not going to talk about the commercial, except in small snippets, as unrevealing as possible, to force people to hang out around them and actually ask questions, therefore making it the hot topic of the evening. Brian was all for that. He excelled at this type of game.

Alan had brought 4 by 6 laminated cards, made up by Betsy and Cynthia over the years, with photos, names and details about a lot of the other invitees. Some had post-its describing their latest success, their latest big news, or their latest flops. The details these two women had collected over the years went from their favorite sport, name of wife and/or mistress, number of kids, sexual kinks, political affiliation, number of employees, annual salary, religious observance, education and so on. He was glad they were on his side. All the gay men, in or out of the closet, were marked with a B for his attention.

They would hang out two by two, he with Alan, and Marcus with Paul, working the room as a team. There were about ninety invitees, thirty that Plexus was particularly interested in acquiring as new clients. However, they would not give out their business cards. They wanted to be sought after. Plexus was in the book, easily found by potential clients. They would not appear eager for business.

As luck would have it, Celia Secton was in attendance with her father. She talked freely to several of her girlfriends about Brian’s ‘genius’ and introduced him, kissing him lightly on the cheek, implying he was single and available, never making reference to his sexual orientation. He exchanged her seating card for the one originally next to his, that of an older gentleman who neither needed nor was interested in advertising. Brian did it discretely enough to not attract the ire of the mayor’s majordomo, but publicly enough to make Celia the envy of all her friends… and therefore attract the attention of all their husbands.

The Secton campaign was a great lead in for people to hear what they wanted to hear, details about Clearlife’s commercial and its star. As agreed, Alan and Brian were ridiculously closed mouthed about it, and the center of much attention. By the end of the evening, when all four of them reconvened in the limo, it appeared they had made positive contacts with twenty-seven of their main targets, which was much better than expected. Brian and Mark had phone interviews scheduled with three each, at the client’s request, and Paul was meeting two in person at his office. He worked much better ‘live’. Alan was having dinner with four different ones. It was the old fashioned approach he favored, and his beautiful wife was an amazing asset in that environment. They considered the evening a fantastic success, and dropped Brian back at the airport, thanking him for making the dinner despite his family obligations.

On the flight, Brian thought again of that morning’s conversation with Justin. Justin had been so angry at first, Brian had been shocked. He had never thought Justin had it in him. After he had explained himself, and pleaded his case, it had actually been much worse, because then the depth of the hurt hidden behind the anger had been revealed.

He had done what he did, aiming to hurt. It had been a last second decision, pulling out just before his orgasm, saying what he had said. He had never intended to seek relief with a trick. Just to put Justin off balance.

The result had been so much worse than he had imagined. He had not counted on Justin feeling violated, dirtied, emotionally transformed by the experience. Which showed how incredibly stupid and thoughtless he was. Justin repulsed by his touched, Justin wooden in his arms.

Thinking of Essengy, of their beginnings, had helped, and having Justin melt against him had been so good, his mouth open to their kiss such a relief, Brian’s orgasm had been just there. He’d hesitated, but letting himself go, letting Justin feel how much he wanted him and loved holding him had been right, Justin’s tears of relief a gift he did not deserve. How could he have made that beautiful man ever feel undesirable?

Their day with Gus and the girls had been fabulous, Gus so happy to see him, mentioning again and again in surprise, ”Daddy, you said you were gonna, and you came!” making Brian understand finally how close he had come to losing the child’s faith. There had big a big poster in his room, with 1,2,3,4,5, crossed out in markers. What would have happened if he hadn’t come? It did not bear imagining.

He thought back to Justin’s arguments when he had found out Brian’s intentions, all well founded as it turned out. He thought of Justin refusing to hear any more excuses and leaving rather than continue a fruitless fight. Why had it enraged him so that Justin should be so reasonable? To just let Brian keep to his decision? But it had. Nobody walked out on him. He walked out on others.

How would he handle their fights in the future? Would he go again for the jugular, striking to hurt most, no matter what the cost? He hoped not. Acting without forethought, in the heat of the moment, was not something he planned on doing ever again.

They had left the girls’ house at six, so Brian could go change into his tux before heading out, and Justin had ridden with him in a taxi to the hotel, had kissed him and said, ”Good luck, tonight. Knock their socks off!” and had continued on to Daphne’s where he was spending the night.

When the airplane landed, Brian’s car was waiting in the short-term parking. He drove it to the hotel, where he took a shower and went to bed. He was in his usual suite, home away from home, remembering making love to Justin after having found him again, having their boyfriend talk, Justin efficiently packing for him before their return to New York; Justin proposing Brandon as a solution, Justin enrolling Jessica in their adventure, Justin working on the sketches that would tip Clearlife’s decision in favor of giving Plexus a chance to put out their best commercial ever, Justin suggesting the colorization of the jumps…

There was also Justin naked on his desk, a condom packet between his teeth, Justin leaning on the back of his couch, fingering himself, Justin needing Brian’s love to feel whole again, helping Brian express his feelings at the same time. Justin showing Todd how to make love to a top. How could he have done what he did? How could he have marred this joyous, trustful, flawless aspect of their relationship? And for what? To prove to himself he had the power and the will to hurt the man he loved?

They were meeting at the diner for lunch the next day, and spending the afternoon with Gus again, taking him to a movie. They would probably go to Woody’s and to Babylon that night. What would that be like? Would Justin come home with him? He missed him so much. His body missed him. He wanted to make love to him, and Justin was not there.

He went to sleep feeling sad and guilty. Even after their afternoon, he had the feeling he had destroyed forever something beautiful. He wished he were home and could look at his painting and remember better days.

He took great care in what he wore the next day, wanting Justin to find him beautiful. He arrived a half-hour early at the diner to find Brandon and Blake sitting together. He sat with them.

“Where is everyone?” he asked, actually asking Brandon if Todd was around.

“I had to work,” said Blake, “and I had rehearsal,” said Brandon, “so Ted took Todd to breakfast, then to the gallery to see Justin’s work.”

So Todd was here. It made Brian really glad for Brandon.

Blake was looking at Brian intently. “Brian? Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“What’s wrong with Justin?” Brandon was also looking at him as well, waiting for the answer.

“What do you mean?”

Blake shrugged. “There is something… missing. We were at Babylon last night, and he hardly danced.”

“Drank like a fish, as well,” said Brandon. “I’d never seen him drink before. Not a happy drunk, either. Just leaned on the bar, staring into nothing. Everybody assumed he missed you. But he was… weird. Emmett put his arm around him, and he pushed it off. Nicely, but he looked like he was freaked out by the touch.”

Brian’s throat was tight. Was this his fault? Was this because of what he’d done?

He looked at Brandon. “Do you remember when you told me not to fuck it up?”

“Of course.”

“Well, I fucked it up. Big time.”

“Brian, I talked to him yesterday and he was fine. Disappointed you weren’t coming, worried about what your word was worth, but normal Justin, not the weird guy from last night. When he said you were here, I was thinking everything was cool, that you’d come to your senses and his worries were over…”

“Yeah, well…” Shit. If only it had been that easy. If only…

“Brian, I’m a psychologist,” said Blake. “I specialize in addiction, but if you tell me what happened I might be able to help…”

Brian felt sick. This was between Sunshine and him. But Justin not dancing? Justin drinking? Justin not wanting to be touched? Fuck. Maybe he needed help to help him undo what he’d done.

“I’m just going to say it, OK? I was wrong, and a complete bastard, and I know it. So just listen. Justin left our loft, to avoid fighting about Gus. Apparently to talk to you, Brandon, and probably Daphne. It pissed me off. I went to the corner bar and had a lot to drink.

“When I came home, Justin had packed to come here, and I took it as a personal insult and criticism that he should still come when I wasn’t. I asked him if my decision was going to come between us, and he said my attitude pissed him off, but didn’t change the way he felt about me.

“To prove to myself that he was full of shit, I started making love to him. I expected he’d hold back, show his disapproval. But he didn’t. He’d meant what he said. He was his usual beautifully responsive self, and it made me want to hurt him, because… because I am a fucking jerk. So after he came, I pulled out right before my orgasm, pulled my pants back up, and said I was going out and saving that one for my first trick, and I left.”

The other two were looking at him in complete disbelief.

“I thought he was all right, that we were all right, that we made up yesterday, but now, you say he didn’t dance, and he drank, and wouldn’t take a hug from Emmett, and I think maybe he’s not all right…”

Brandon got up, and walked out of the diner. He just stood in the cold with nothing but his shirt on.

“Brandon is in love with Justin,” explained Brian.

“I know that, Brian,” said Blake. “I’m not blind. He’s not going to forgive you easily for this. He trusted you to take care of Justin, and what you did... I think you may have lost him as a friend.”

“I fucking deserve it.”

“Yes, well… It’s as I thought yesterday, though of course I thought it couldn’t be. Justin is exhibiting mild symptoms of post rape behavior. Dislike of being touched, substance abuse, withdrawal from previously favored activities.”

“I didn’t rape him!” How could Blake even suggest such a thing?

“You took an act of love and turned it into a weapon, an act of violence,” explained Blake. “For all intents and purposes, you raped him. Had he known what your intent was, do you think he would have engaged in the act? No. The fact that he didn’t discover it to be abuse until after the fact does not change his perception. And he blames himself for letting you do it to him, for trusting you.”

“Fuck, Blake, that’s just crazy! I’d never… Fuck. I just meant to hurt his feelings, not… this! What the fuck do I do now? How do I fix this?“

“You have a big problem, Brian. You have done incredible damage to your relationship, both its physical and its psychological aspect. I don’t know how deep your feelings for Justin run. It may be better for the both of you to make a clean break. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to rebuild what you lost.”

That wasn’t right. That could not be right. No. No, no, no, no, no.

“I would rather die than be without him, and that’s not just words.” Brian suddenly realized he was telling the absolute truth. “And I know he feels the same way. And our bodies… Our bodies need each other, love each other.” How could he have betrayed that? What the fuck was wrong with him, to go and do such a thing? “I will regain his trust, no matter what it takes, and I will heal what I damaged, no matter what it takes. And we will be as we were, and I will never, ever hurt him again.” He was talking to himself as much as to Blake. Please God, let him be right.

Just then, Justin, Ted and Todd arrived at the diner and came in, Brandon’s arm around Todd’s shoulder. They looked great together.

Justin saw Brian, and his face lit up. Brian stood up and opened his arms and Justin walked right into them, lifting his face up for a kiss. Brian obliged, Justin’s face cold but his mouth warm and delicious, yielding to him as Justin melted into his arms, a hard on growing against Brian’s thigh. Thank you God, thank you God. Justin stopped the kiss, his eyes dancing.

“I missed you last night. Both at Babylon and later.”

“God. You have no idea how much I missed you, Sunshine.”

Blake was looking at them with a smile. “I see what you mean,” he said to Brian. “I may have been hasty in my conclusions…”

Justin was looking at him questioningly.

“That most people don’t even notice a night apart,” lied Blake smoothly.

“Justin,” said Brian, “Can you order me a turkey sandwich, whole wheat, no mayo with salad but no dressing? I need to run an errand really fast.”

Justin looked surprised but said, “Sure.”

Brian went out and walked to the flower seller at the corner. He bought a bouquet of red roses and put them in the trunk of the Corvette before returning to the diner. Looking in from the outside, he noticed Justin, eyes lost and far away, sitting there without participating in the conversation. Blake was looking at him with concern on his face. Brian came in, and as if a button had been pressed, Justin returned to life, smiling at him as he got up to welcome him.

“You looked so lost when I was watching you from outside,” said Brian in Justin’s ear. “Where were you?”

Justin looked at him, hesitated and asked, “The truth?”

“Of course, I want the truth.” Brian sat them in a different booth, away from the others.

“I was reliving that moment when you tucked your cock back in your pants, and said, I think I’ll save this for my first trick.” He looked down at the table, and added, his voice soft, “I try not to let it, Brian, but it plays in my head again and again, you know? It hurts every time but I can’t seem to stop.”

“What I did and said was unconscionable, Justin. I wanted to hurt your feelings because I’m a jerk, but not like that... What I did… I might as well have raped you, Justin. It’s the same thing. I turned an act of love into an act of violence against you. I didn’t know what it was I was doing, I swear to God.”

Justin’s eyes filled with tears. “That’s how I felt. Violated. Ra…raped. That’s how I feel, still. It’s so stupid. I know why you did it, I understand your twisted reasoning even, I believe your apology, I know you mean it when you say you’ll never do anything like it again, whether you’ll be able to keep that promise or not. And my body still loves yours. You hold me and it’s happy, you kiss me and it melts. But the image of you tucking yourself in, and the words you said won’t get out of my head, and the feeling that I should have known, that I shouldn’t have made you so upset with me keeps coming back.”

“Justin, listen to me. Are you listening? You did everything right that night. You left to avoid a fruitless fight, you shared you decision without recrimination, you separated your disappointment from our love, and you tried to show me you meant it. And you could not have known what I was going to do because I didn’t know myself.”

“You’re saying it’s not my fault? And that there is no way I could have known not to trust you?”

“That’s right. And that image in your head, if it won’t go away, we are going to surround it with so many beautiful images, so many blissful images, so many unforgettable happy moments that it will be lost, buried in the rest. And my voice, saying these cruel words, will be overwhelmed by memories of laughter, by words of love and you won’t be able to hear it anymore.”

He caressed Justin’s hair back with both hands and kissed him, holding his head in his hands. He wanted to make love to him so badly. But would Justin let him? When would Justin trust him enough for that again?

Brian’s lunch arrived. He was surprised Justin had only ordered water.

“I had a big breakfast,“ Justin said. He watched Brian eat. Brandon and Todd were leaving. Brandon was dancing in a special matinee show for the Children’s Hospital, and Todd was going, of course. Brandon touched Justin's shoulder to say goodbye, and Justin noticeably flinched. Brandon’s look to Brian was not kind. “Bye, guys,” said Todd, unaware of the undercurrents.

It was time for them to leave if they wanted to be on time to see the re-release of The Jungle Book at the old Rex Theater. They went and picked up Gus, who was beyond excited to be going out with just the two of them. Justin teased Brian about driving Mel’s Subaru, since the Corvette only had two seats, and Brian raised his collar, put on his sunglasses and Justin’s cap, pretending to hide his face behind his hands at all the red lights so as not to be recognized. It was all to make Gus laugh.

Justin loved The Jungle Book, which he had only seen on video as a child. They ate popcorn, Klondike bars, and had a great time. On the way back, in the mom mobile, they sang all the songs they could remember, Gus’s voice amazingly pure and in tune. They ate dinner at Mel and Lindz', and stayed after putting Gus to bed, talking about the commercial, the wonderful news about Justin’s expo coming up in March, and Mel’s current case load, which was not easy to handle with a little one at home.

Brian and Justin left way past eleven, and once in the Corvette, Brian asked, “Where to, Justin?” He wanted to forget Babylon and go to the hotel to spend the evening making love, but did not want to be the one to suggest it.

Justin looked at him and smiled. “Let’s go to the hotel,” he said, and Brian’s heart soared…

In the parking garage, Brian removed the roses from the trunk and gave them to Justin, who he could see was blown away by such an uncharacteristically romantic gesture.

“I love you, Sunshine,” he said. “So very much…” Justin’s eyes filled with tears and he said, “Sorry, Brian. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You are overwhelmed by my charm,” said Brian, trying to make light of it.

“That must be it,” said Justin, laughing.

They kissed the entire length of the elevator ride, lucky enough for once to have it to themselves, and Justin put the roses in the ice bucket filled with water when they got to the suite before going back to their kiss. They undressed each other playfully, both very hard and ready. Brian just wanted to be inside Justin. He needed that connection, needed to reaffirm that Justin was his, and wanted to make him scream in pleasure.

Justin looked so beautiful, lying on his back, his ankles on Brian’s shoulders. Brian put on a condom, slicked it with lube, and asked, “Are you ready for me, Justin?” And Justin’s smile was like a gift, melting his heart. He pushed himself inside Justin’s warm silken velvet, closing his eyes for a moment at the perfection, and felt Justin tighten around him, as only he could.

He started moving slowly, and something was wrong. Justin was stiff and rigid instead of his soft and pliable self. Brian opened his eyes to meet panicked blue ones, as Justin was biting his lip. Justin’s erection had completely disappeared, and he was trembling.

“Justin, am I hurting you?”

Justin shook his head no, and tried to smile, rubbing himself to try to get hard again. “Move, Brian, I’m all right,” he said. “It doesn’t hurt.”

Watching Justin, Brian moved again tentatively. Justin’s trembling got worse, a pearl of red, red blood appeared on his lip and his eyes were filled with fear. Brian pulled out immediately and took Justin in his arms, holding him, caressing him.

“There, Justin, it’s all right, everything’s all right…” and Justin just burst into tears, his sobs tearing at Brian’s heart.

‘I did this, he thought. I did this. I raped him. I broke him. I destroyed the most beautiful thing in our life.’

He was holding Justin against his heart, like a child, rocking him, as Justin wailed in utter misery. “Oh, my love, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I love you, Justin… I love you…”

“I… love you… too… Bri… Brian. I’m… sor…sorry. I rui…. ruined everything. I want you to co… come. I nee… need you to… to come…” and once more, Justin started sobbing, hiding his face in his hands.

“Justin, it doesn’t matter. There’s no hurry. We’ll take it slow. I just want to hold you, I just want to love you. I’m yours, forever. I hurt you. It’s not your fault. I hurt you. I’m sorry…”

Brian held him and rocked him for a very long time, Justin’s sobs quieting. Brian thought maybe he had fallen asleep. But after a while, Justin sat up and pushed him down on the bed. He wiped his face on the sheet, and then kissed Brian’s belly, caressed his thighs, his balls. Brian’s cock had softened but now responded to the caresses.

“You don’t have to do this, Justin,” said Brian.

Justin looked at him, tears still leaking from his eyes, and a tremulous smile on his lips. “I want to,” he said. “I need to. Please.”

He took Brian in his mouth, and no matter that Brian felt like a murderer, no matter that he wished so very much that he could pleasure Justin instead, it was Justin’s mouth on him, Justin who had always known exactly how to please him, exactly how to love him. Justin pulled off and looked at him, his smile more real this time. “God,” he said, “I love sucking your cock.”

It was assuredly the best blowjob Justin had ever given him, and God knew there had been good ones. It lasted for what felt like an hour, and when Brian finally came he thought for sure part of his brain must have melted since he was completely incapable of coherent thoughts or speech as Justin kissed his face and neck. Once his upper brain function finally returned, Brian smiled at Justin, and kissed his way down Justin’s body. Justin’s cock was completely flaccid, and stayed that way no matter what Brian did, until Justin said, “Stop Brian, please. Please stop.”

Brian buried his nose in Justin’s soft pubic hair and breathed in the man he loved, his eyes stinging, remembering New Year’s Eve. What a difference three days made. What a difference one minute of completely gratuitous cruelty made. There was nothing he would not do to make this right. Nothing.

He lay next to Justin, on his elbow, caressing Justin’s beautiful face, his cheekbone, his lips.

“I’m going to go spend the night at Daphne’s,” said Justin, killing him. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning at the diner with everyone, OK?”

“Please, Justin. Please stay with me.” He needed to hold him, to smell his scent, to touch his skin.

Justin kissed his lips and caressed his face. “I love you, Brian. But I’m going to Daphne’s. I feel safe there. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He got up and started dressing.

“I’ll drive you,” said Brian, sure he was going to be turned down.

“Thanks. That’ll be nice.”

Brian got up and dressed quickly. They were quiet in the car, until Justin said, “You looked beautiful today. You are so beautiful, Brian.”

They got to Daphne’s much too quickly for Brian’s taste.

“I know you didn’t want me to leave. I’m sorry. I love you very much. But I need to be here. Please forgive me.”

“There is nothing to forgive, Justin. You do what you need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow. I hope you still believe that I love you too. In a way I never would have thought possible before I met you.”

Justin smiled. “Of course I believe it. I feel it in your kiss.” He leaned over, and Brian put his hand behind Justin’s neck while they kissed, their sweet wonderful piece of heaven kiss, Justin’s mouth soft and willing and offered, his own tongue possessive, caressing, loving. It was the kiss of the painting, the kiss that had started it all.

Justin took Brian’s hand and put it on his now very hard cock. He laughed and said, “There’s hope for me yet. The love I feel in your kiss does this. We’ll be fine, won’t we?”

“Yes, Justin.” Brian smiled at him. “Everything is going to be all right.”

Justin gave him his Sunshine smile and ran up the steps. Brian waited until he was inside to head back to the hotel for another lonely night. This one was much, much worse. He had not been aware the night before of the extent of the destruction he had wrought. For the first time in over twenty years, his face buried in his pillow, he cried.

*****

Arriving at the diner, Brian was very annoyed to find Justin and Daphne sitting with Michael and Ben. The last thing he needed was to have to deflect Michael’s remarks. The diner had been a huge mistake, but everyone had wanted to meet there to say goodbye. Daphne got up and changed sides allowing Brian to sit next to Justin, whom he wrapped in his arms with unbelievable joy. Justin turned to him and smiled, and they kissed, a little longer than Michael had patience for apparently, since he said, “Enough already!” Justin laughed, but Brian wanted to hit him.

“If you miss each other so much,” Michael added, “why didn’t you sleep at the hotel, Justin?”

Now Brian really wanted to hit him. He was just about to say something scathing when Justin’s hand came to rest on his lap.

“Well, I’ve moved into the loft with Brian,” Justin said. “So I get to spend every night with him. I won’t be seeing Daphne for months though, so I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. And after a night apart, the sex is sooooo good…”

Michael turned bright red while Daphne and Ben both laughed. Brian kissed Justin’s head, chuckling.

“So, you moved into the loft,” said Michael.

“Poor Brian needed help with the rent,” answered Justin, shrugging, “and since we work together, it also cuts his cab costs in half. Then I go to school, and when I come home, after a half a day apart, the sex is sooooo good…”

Ben cracked up again. Daphne pretended to look in Justin’s glass of water. “What the hell have you been drinking?” she asked, laughing.

“Sorry, Michael. I’m in a goofy mood this morning.”

“Goofy is good,” said Michael. “I like goofy. Brian needs more goofy in his life. He takes himself much too seriously.” Michael smiled at Brian. “And I am glad he finally found someone with a heart big enough to love him despite his repulsive physique. We all are better people when we’re in love, you know?” He turned to Justin. “Please tell me you’ve added some colors to that fridge he lives in.”

Justin grinned. “A bit. You can see what you think when you come to that convention.”

“It will be fun to hang out with you two in New York. Will you give us a preview of your expo?”

“You bet.”

“You guys should plan on coming to the convention at least for a little while. After staring at all those sexy superheroes in tights, the sex is sooooo good!”

They all laughed this time. Brian looked at Michael and smiled. He could never stay mad at him, and God knew whatever Michael had said a few days ago about Justin had been nothing compared to what Brian had proven to be capable of.

The girls arrived, and with them Michael’s pride and joy, and Gus. As both children joined them, the booth got pretty tight, but Brian didn’t care. Gus was on Justin’s lap. He had brought some of his drawings to show him, and Justin and he were seriously discussing perspective.

Justin had shown Gus the concept of things looking smaller the further away they were. Brian had thought it might have gone over Gus’ head, but the different sizes of the dinosaurs in his drawing demonstrated that he had perfectly understood the concept.

Justin had also showed him the general proportions of the human face. Gus had used his new knowledge to draw a portrait of Justin. Compared to the self-portrait he had given Brian, which of course Brian loved just as it was, it showed amazing improvement. At the bottom, it said, ‘i luv mi jutsin’. Brian thought it would be a sad day when Gus learned to pronounce Justin’s name right.

When the time came to say good-bye, Gus started crying, though he was trying hard to be brave. His tears just broke Brian’s heart. He was so grateful he’d come. He held his son tightly and whispered in his ear, “Daddy loves you, Sonnyboy. Daddy loves you so much.”

Gus hugged Justin too, and Justin said, “I’ll see you at the wedding, little man. It’s only a few weeks away. It will still be winter, even.”

“Will Daddy be at the wedding too, Jutsin?”

“Your Daddy works hard, Gus. Maybe, maybe not. We’ll ask him when it gets closer, OK?”

“OK. I love you, my Jutsin.”

“I love you too.”

Gus came back once again to his father’s arms. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you, Sonnyboy.”

They just waved at the rest of the assembly, everyone understanding that prolonging the moment would just make it harder on Gus. Once in the car, Justin started to cry. He got himself under control, and dried his eyes and blew his nose in a Kleenex from a pack in his pocket.

“I’m a complete emo wreck,” he said disgusted. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Brandon came by to say goodbye this morning and I ended up crying on his shoulder for fifteen minutes. Thank God he takes it all with a grain of salt. And what is wrong with me, spouting all that crap to poor Michael. A good thing he is your friend and willing to cut me a bit of slack…”

“I thought you were really funny, actually” said Brian, smiling.

“Really? I wasn’t rude?”

Well it had been a tiny bit rude, but after the things Michael had insinuated about Justin at their lunch, Brian figured it was not worth mentioning. “Not at all.”

“Well. That’s a relief.”

On the plane, Justin sat in the window seat, and spent the first half hour of the flight looking silently outside. Then he turned to Brian.

“Brian?”

Brian had been looking at the same article in Time magazine the entire time, and had no clue what it was about. He had been wondering what Justin was thinking. He put the magazine away and turned to Justin.

“Yes?”

“I…uh…I’ve been thinking.”

“About?”

“I lied. I know exactly what’s wrong with me. Why I cry all the time, and act stupid and rude, and got drunk. Why I lost it when you were inside me, and why I can’t get it up. That fucking image that replays constantly in my head. The words I hear in my sleep. I feel like such a wimp that it affected me so. I’m a fucking mess. I didn’t tell anybody, not even Daphne, I’m so ashamed. I need to get my head back on right.”

“I’m sorry, Justin. I did this to you. I’ll do anything to help you.”

“Do you mean that, Brian? Anything?”

Brian did not even hesitate. “Anything.”

“Thank you.” Justin sighed.

“What do you need, Justin. Just tell me.”

“I need time to work this out for myself. I need to do this on my own. I need you to stay completely out of my life for a while so I can face this and conquer it on my own terms. Can you do that?”

This was his test. He had said, ‘Anything’ and meant it. Yet his answer was the hardest thing he’d ever had to say.

“I love you, Justin. You love me. It’s only time. Take as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” said Justin, again. He kissed Brian’s lips and rested his head on Brian’s shoulder for the rest of the trip. Brian put his cheek on Justin’s head, desperately trying to store the feel of his hair, the warmth of his scent.

When they got to the airport, a limo was waiting to take them to the loft. The driver wasn’t Justin’s friend, and Justin would not be coming. Brian held Justin in his arms and couldn't let go for a long time. Justin cried.

Brian said, “Please, Sunshine, please, don’t forget that I love you,” and Justin whispered, “I love you too, Brian, so much…”

And Brian was in the limo, speeding towards his empty loft, uncomprehending of how something so incredibly painful could be survived, how he could still sign the Limo’s voucher, remember his codes, turn on the lights, hang his coat when his world had ended.

He did not want to get drunk. He did not want to fuck. He did not want to get high. He wanted to go to sleep, and never wake up. He looked at the colors in the loft like a drowning man looks at a float. He would love. He would trust. He would wait for Justin for as long as it took. He wrapped himself in Justin’s colorful quilt, the one made for him by Daphne’s Grandmother, put on The Sound of Music CD, lay on the couch and started to wait.