JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

Chapter 3

The Golden Goose and

The Homeless Hermit

   Justin's eyes widened comically. "Brian! What the hell are you doing!?"

   "Yeah Brian...What the hell are..." Jack quavered.

   "Shut up! I get your little plan! Get one or both of us tied up and then take us prisoner for real! Sorry sweetcheeks! Sunshine might be trusting enough but I'm not!"

   "Brian! That's not what was going on! I promise! I told you before I was on board to help you! Now that I know there's another way, I want to bring that ogre down!"

   "Give me the cuffs," Brian said relentlessly.

   "But Brian! It has to look real! They'll see!" protested Jack.

   "Give them to me!" Brian growled, not backing down.

   Jack had no choice. He handed them over.

   Brian snapped one cuff onto Justin and one onto Jack. He shoved the keys in a pocket.

   "There. Now you're just as much a prisoner as we are. If you want out of those cuffs, you'll have to keep me around!"

   "But how are you going to explain the fact that you are uncuffed?" Jack asked.

   Brian grabbed Justin's other hand and made sure their jacket cuffs were down to their wrists. "I'll keep hold of Sunshine and we'll all keep close. Everyone will see you cuffed to Justin and assume the rest until it's too late. Just don't forget who has the real gun!"

   "Trust me, you're making it extremely hard!" said Jack.

   "Brian, calm down! We're all on the same team here! We're all going to get through this! Just take a few deep breaths and chill! I can't do this without you!" pleaded Justin.

   Brian did so and slowly felt the fear and confusion leave his body. He felt powerful and in control again. He wouldn't admit it to Justin but he never felt quite right unless he was dominantly in control. What he didn't know was that he didn't need to. Justin already knew.

   "All right! I'm ready! Everybody clear on the plan? Everybody ready? Everybody happy?"

   ‘I'd be a lot happier if you removed the gun from my back," Jack said, trying to add some levity to the situation.

   Brian did so but remained on a hair trigger. "One false move, one hint of betrayal and you are dead. Got it!?"

   "Got it...Can we get going now?"

   Brian reluctantly shoved the gun back down the waistband of his jeans again and sticking close together they started off to a side door to the factory that was almost hidden. Jack used a key card and they were in.

   The inside of the factory was just as bleak as the outside, if not bleaker. The corridor they found themselves in was grey. Grey floors, grey stone walls, the occasional grey door. They ran down this hall until it curved and then ended in an elevator. Jack stabbed the call button.

   "OK. The first place we'll hit guards is at the floor where we need to get off. I probably can bluff my way past them but any further and they may not listen."

   The elevator arrived. They all piled in but they didn't really breathe easy until the doors had closed.

   "But why? Why are there so many guards? This is just a glue factory...isn't it?" asked Justin.

   "Well, since it looks like you two are intent on bringing this monstrosity to its knees, I'll level with you. The glue factory is just a front. This place hasn't made a speck of glue since Stockwell bought it out."

   "Then what on earth is he doing here!?" they asked in consternation.

   Ding! The elevator arrived before Jack could say anything.

   Two guards who were almost as big as Brian were standing on either side of the elevator. They had red jackets with black buttons and black caps with short, squarish visors just like Jack, the guard's uniform. However, there the similarity ended. These two were hulking beasts with thick eyebrows, sloping, Neanderthal-ic brows and vacant expressions in their eyes. They both looked dumb as a sack of sugar without any of the sweetness.

   They reacted instantly to the elevator door. They swung around and drew their guns. "Halt! Who goes there?"

   "At ease!" yelled Jack, "It's just me, Jack. I caught a couple of prisoners trying to stop the Oath. I'm taking them to Stockwell."

   The two guards saluted simultaneously. "The OATH must NOT be disturbed!" they bellowed together.

   Oh yeah. MENSA would NOT be calling these two anytime soon.

   Jack saluted awkwardly back. Then he moved along and to the left down the corridor making sure his wrist attached to Justin's was clearly visible. The three of them moved purposefully down the corridor, which was white and turned a corner where they were able to take a breather.

   "OK. The next one won't be so easy. They'll have more questions...questions I may not be able to answer. Plus, I'm just an outside guard. I don't really have the clearance for anything further. Do you have any idea what you want to accomplish here?"

   "Ummmmm......" said Justin.

   "Well......" said Brian.

   Jack was livid. "Unbelievable! You two showed me a bunch of pretty pictures....got me to climb that...that iron beanstalk... and sneak you in here....And you don't even have a plan?! Does that place even exist?"

   "Yes! Yes, Jack, everything's real! We just never thought we'd get this far! Plus we still don't know exactly what we're up against and why. What on earth is the purpose of this OATH anyway?"

   "Ohhhhhh....the thing of it is...It isn't really an Oath at all. It's something much more insidious. Everyone is just told it is and forced to come here but once they're in the auditorium, a hypnotic recording starts playing. Then programming starts playing; a deep memory erasing, programming them to forget any and all of the horrors they may have seen throughout the day. At the same time they're programmed to remember only that they're reciting this Oath while in reality they are undergoing the memory scrub."

   ‘Oh my God!" Justin's gentle heart was horrified. "That's horrible!"

   "Yes, it is. However, if the programming trance is interrupted or disrupted or changed in any way during its playback, the entire thing would fall apart and the effect would be reversed. Everyone would be woken up and they would remember everything that Stockwell had done to them all these years and everything that has been going on here."

   "Then that's it! We've got to get there and stop that recording and maybe even plug in my phone somewhere and transmit my pictures of the new castle. Once Stockwell's evil influence is remembered and reversed we can show them a better way!" said Justin joyfully.

   "But it's nearly done for the night! Even if we did get you to the control room in time, we wouldn't have time to overcome the technicians in there and interrupt the recording in time. Besides...Stockwell has been here for 5 years. He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully and the others gazed back in horror at the implications. In all that time, the cycle had never been broken. Their Mission Impossible was truly beginning to live up to its name.

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   It was 7:25 pm. The mission had been abandoned for the moment and they had taken refuge in a large storage closet in as an alternative to standing out in the open hallways.

   "But what I don't understand," Brian was saying, "Is why you are unaffected. How do you know about this....this brainwashing... that nobody else does?"

   "There are random cases," Jack explained, "when the Oath is disturbed. A sneeze....someone coughs...a hiccup...or they just can't enter into trance properly. Stress or problems or whatever. The person wakes up. And remembers all the horrors of the last 5 years. There's always a jolt and the waking is visible. No one can hide the fact that they woke up and before they can utter a sound, a guard is upon them and gagging them and dragging them out of there. I was no exception. I woke up about 2 years ago."

   "Anyway after you are woken up, you are given a choice, guard duty....or death. And even so...not everybody chooses guard duty."

   "As a guard, you are taken deep within the factory and subjected to heavier brainwashing. The "prime directive" there is firmly engrained and most of your personality is washed away as well. All this takes a while, at least a month. The end results are boobs like Heckle and Jeckle by the elevator over there. You're only function is standing around and preventing others from being disturbed during the Oath."

   "But you seem OK," noted Justin, "How did you escape?"'

   "I haven't escaped. Not really! I recognized pretty early on what they were trying to do to me," Jack returned, "I didn't understand it...but I knew if I submitted totally to it, I would be nothing but a empty shell. So I started faking the trances. That allowed me to keep conscious enough to learn how I was supposed to act...but didn't go into the deep trance needed to brainwash me. And then....I kept my mouth shut. Most everyone else doesn't realize what's happening before it does and are lost."

   "This is terrible! We've got to stop him! But how!? This is looking more and more impossible by the second." Justin lamented.

   "You'll have to wait until tomorrow. The people should be waking up, thinking they've been Oath-ing for the last hour and a half...right....about....Now!" The clock struck the half hour.

   "We'll wait here a few minutes and I'll take you back over the fence."

   They waited in terse silence and Justin asked, "But what exactly is going on here then? What is so terrible...so horrible? If not glue, what's going on?"

   "There's too much to tell, on that front. Come again tomorrow, earlier this time, 6:00, and I'll tell you everything. For now, be quiet, be quick and we'll go the side way and down the stairs to get you out."

   Jack opened the door, checked if the coast was clear, and beckoned. The three of them went down a corridor, turned left, then left again, then through a faceless door. This led into an empty, blank room painted all white. It was very surreal. Jack crossed swiftly to another door, which was a stairwell.

   Down, down, down. At the bottom level, the door opened out into a long, grey hallway lined with doors that were detention cells. All were open and empty except for one about halfway down. There was a lone guard posted in front of it.

   "Stay together now," whispered Jack, and then strode confidently down to the other guard. "Open the door!" he said authoritatively, "I need to put these two in. Their Oath was disturbed."

   "The Oath must not be disturbed," returned the guard somberly, "But you must choose another cell. I have my own prisoner. His Oath...was disturbed."

   Each door had a small glass window that could be looked through so you could check on the occupant. As Brian did so, his eyes widened and he gasped in shock and surprise. Then his face hardened.

   "Well, the thing is...we like THIS room. We think it suits YOU just fine!" And before the guard's eyes could widen fully in shock, Brian had pulled away from Justin and swung. The punch landed solidly on his jaw and the guard was knocked out.

   They frisked the guard and found the key card and used it to open the cell. The cell was painted white and contained nothing but a bunk against the far wall. And sitting on the bunk bound in a straitjacket was a drab, thin little man. He was a stranger and yet they knew his face at once. His name was:

   "Theodore!! Theodore Schmidt!! Is that you?" cried Brian.

   The face that turned toward them was a little older, a little more careworn than the one the Ward had portrayed and the eyes much sadder and frightened. "Yes. That was my name once. I haven't been called that for a long time now. Who are you Stranger...and how do you know my name?"

   "Ted, you idiot! It's me! Brian! Brian Kinney!" Brian was already tugging at the straps that bound the smaller man.

   "Brian! Oh my...Brian is that really you!? Wow, Bri...you got...you got real big!"

   "What do you mean got? I've always been huge!" Brian bragged, his tongue stuck in his cheek.

   "Now I recognize you!" Ted returned, "But you still look different...It's wonderful to see you again, Brian."

   "Uhh...can we save the reunion for when we get you out of here?" asked Jack worriedly.

   "What do you mean, that was your name once? How long have you been here? What have you been called?" asked Justin.

   "It's a long story. But suffice it to say, I don't remember a lot during my stay here. What I do remember are numbers. PIN numbers, codes, and the number that is the vast fortune that Stockwell holds to keep this place running. I remember him calling me worm, maggot, idiot, dog...for the first while. Then after his investments starting making money and lots of it every day, he started calling me his goose that laid golden eggs. Then he shortened it to just Goose. So I guess my name is Goose now."

   Brian pulled the last strap free and pulled him out of that accursed jacket. "Bullshit. You're Ted. You always have been. The only way someone can change you is if you let them!"

   "Thanks Bri. I don't know how you got in here, but thanks for saving me. If you take me with you, I'll make Stockwell's fortune yours. It makes a total of 3 million dollars a day...well...give or take zero depending on the day's quarterly..."

   "TED! Will you shut up and help us!" the other three were in the process of dragging the unconscious guard into the cell. "And of course you're coming with us!"

   Ted started and then began to help and between the lot of them they managed to get the guard inside and then wrapped up in the straitjacket.

   "There! That ought to buy us a little time! But we have to get you out of here before he's discovered. Once he tells his story, and especially that you've taken the Goose with you, there will be no safe place in town much less here. Luckily he doesn't know who you are. And if I can get back to my post, maybe I can deny everything!" Jack panted as they ran the rest of the way down the hall and reached the outside door and exited carefully into the night.

   "Stick close!" panted Jack fearfully. Carefully, they picked their way across to the fence. Even more carefully they snuck around to Jack's post area. Quickly, Brian unlocked Jack and Justin from the handcuffs. Jack started up. Then Justin.

   "What the hell are you doing!!?" stage whispered Ted in horror. "I can't do that!"

   "Oh for the love of....when we get you home, I am putting you on a strict weight training regiment! Now...grab around my neck and hang on for dear life!" Brian growled, bending over.

   "Well, well, well! I would never have imagined that I would be the one to top the great Brian Kinney!" Ted couldn't help but taunt as he assumed the position and encircled his arms around his neck. He grabbed each of his wrists in an interlocking, unbreakable hold.

   "Watch it, Schmidt! NO-body's topping me, especially not the likes of you! Now hang on and don't fall off because if you do, I'm not coming back to get you! Your goose will be cooked!"

   "You don't know the half of it!" Ted murmured, "Geez...touchy..."

   Brian started up with Ted hanging off the back of him like a human backpack. And a good thing he did too, because not long after the three of them started up the iron ivy, a ruckus down below started. Doors everywhere banged open, angry voices shouted and flashlights started sweeping everywhere.

   "HURRY!!!" A crazed voice screamed out into the night. "THIEVES! KIDNAPPERS!! THEY'VE TAKEN MY GOOSE! A THOUSAND DOLLARS BONUS TO THE MAN WHO BRINGS HIM TO ME ALIVE!!! HURRY!!!"

   "Well that's torn it! "Keep going! No matter what happens! Just keep going!" Jack whispered in a panic as he desperately tried to navigate their way up and back and forth up the iron beanstalk.

   "That's easy for you to say!" Brian whispered furiously. He froze as a beam of a flashlight passed inches below his feet. Then he started up again.

   "A thousand bucks! Hmmmph! I'm worth twice that! If not more!" whispered Ted furiously.

   "MAKE IT TWO!!! TWO THOUSAND FOR THE GOOSE!!!" screamed the crazed voice.

   "That's better!" said Ted viciously.

   "If you don't shut up about your self-important price tag, I'll cash you in myself!" whispered Brian in a rage. "Just pipe down and enjoy the ride! Or I'll give you a one way trip...Down!!"

   Ted gulped, shut up and hung on.

   Fortunately, they seemed intent on a ground search and nobody thought to look overhead. The guards milled around like confused ants but of course nobody found anything. It was like a kind of miracle that they managed to make it to the top and then all the way back down again.

   "Come again tomorrow! Remember...this exact spot! I'll keep a low profile until then and try to avoid capture but if I don't you'll have to go it alone! Bring a rope! Good luck!" And with that, Jack pushed them away and toward the jeep.

   And then they were off. Across the lawn to the road....across the road...into the jeep....and finally....finally...

   "I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! FIE ON YOU!! YOU'VE MADE A HELL OF A FOE! WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO GRIND YOUR BONES TO POWDER! THEN I'LL BAKE THAT POWDER INTO A LOAF OF BREAD AND EAT...YOU...UP!!!"

   "EWWWWW!!!" said Justin.

   "Stockwell always did take his mind to a dark and scary place," said Ted.

   "Will you two just get in the damn jeep!?" Brian was already behind the wheel.

   And then they were in the jeep and off and running back to town, back to the Diner and away from that dark and accursed place.

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   Back at the Diner, they all reunited and regrouped in a back booth. As Beddy had predicted, there was a bit of a crowd from the end of the Oath so she was kept a bit busy but she was able to keep a special eye on them (and Arjax) and at Ted's request for a computer, she lent him her laptop.

   "And now..." Ted declared, his fingers flying over the keys, "You shall have your reward for rescuing me. Your wealth shall be inestimable for the rest of your days and grow every day."

   Brian smirked. "Shmidt, will you stop being such a twat? We didn't rescue you for a reward! We rescued you because you were in trouble and we knew you. There was no way we were going to just leave you there! And besides, we have all the wealth we need!"

   "Nevertheless, you shall have this as well. I vowed every day of my captivity that I would do my part to destroy Stockwell if I was ever rescued. And I can think of no better way than to transfer all the good I did for him onto someone more worthy. There...there....and there! It's done! All his PIN's are deleted! All you have to do is replace them with your own in the boxes....there...there....all those....down to there...that one there.... there... aaaaaaannnd....there!" A kind of manic, glowing was in his eyes as he waited while Brian shrugged and entered in various filthy code phrases: BBRIMMING6969, CUMDUMPAGE19, SCREWMYSUNSHINE1969, BUTTBUDDY4EVER, and the like. With every code, he'd lean over and whisper it to Justin who would giggle and/or go adorably red. However, he finally slapped Brian's arm in chastisement and slid the computer over his way and entered the last code and whispered it to Brian. It was BRITIN4EVER49, which was their ages added together.

   "It's done then! You have the wealth of a golden goose that lays every day....if you are careful with the investments. And I....and last....I am out of a job! Hmmmm....Actually....that's kind of bittersweet! What shall I do now!?" His face grew forlorn.

   "Well....you don't need to be out of a job Theodore," said Brian, "The money hasn't gone anywhere. It's just changed masters. And neither of us could possibly oversee this vast amount. Come with us. Live with us in our resort." (Here Justin started showing him the pictures. Ted got very quiet as he looked at everything.) "Be our CFO instead. Come with us."

   "Oh my! I thought I'd be headed back to Pittsburgh for sure! But you know, there's nothing really there for me there anymore. That's why I took the job out here in the first place. The only thing I shall really miss is Emmett. Yes! Yes, I'll come with you!"

   "Don't worry about Honeycutt. We plan on inviting him down as well to work on whatever he likes. I'm sure you'll see him again. Well then, if you're coming with us, you'll need to know all the new codes again after all," Brian said, snickering. He wrote them all down on a napkin and handed them over.

   "EWWWWW!!! Oh, for God's sake, Brian!  Isn't your mind on anything else!? Gross!" And Ted began the tedious process of changing the passwords again to something that didn't make him want to hurl, while Brian and Justin put their heads together and giggled like naughty schoolboys. Well, all except the last one. He could tell that was the one Justin had made up and for some reason...he reallyliked that one.

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   And so, after what seemed like a lifetime they all piled into the jeep and headed home. They had not achieved their ultimate goal but they had gained valuable intel and rescued a friend.

   Brian missed the Corvette but even he had to admit that this was much better, especially since they were driving home with 2 other passengers. Arjax and Ted sat in the back seat. Beddy and Randy were going to wait until Brian and Justin had brought Stockwell down before joining them at the castle.

   Both of them had been horrified at the true nature of the Oath. They both wanted to stay and take care of the townspeople as best they could, even if the townspeople had no idea they needed taking care of.

   Now that they were on the road and safe, Brian asked the million-dollar question: "So Theodore, how long have you been there and how on earth did you get here anyway?"

   "It seems like a lifetime. But I suppose it's only been a few years. After I got fired from Wormshafters, I seriously considered starting my own porn site. At the last minute though, I decided to look around and found a listing in Craig's List. It was for a CFO position in a major corporation. It was far away from the Pitts, which I thought was a good idea for me. So I came here and was astonished at everything. Why was something so big in such a small town? Stockwell liked my resume and my abilities at accounting. The salary he offered was generous enough and I noticed that he managed to dodge most of my questions and give me vague answers to the rest. It made me suspicious so I took the job purely to see what he was up to."

   "Geez Ted! What were you thinking!?"

   Looking back, Ted saw how foolish he had been. "Hindsight's 20/20, I guess. At the time, I was thinking, I got nothing better to do, other that delve into porn, and I also thought if he was up to something and if I could expose him, I could finally count my life as having done something worthy with it. Instead, I got caught, and forced into indentured servitude until you rescued me from a fate worse than death."

   "What could be worse than death?" asked Justin, "What happened to you, Ted?"

   "It had to be a week into the job. The books were a mess. Not only were the debits and credits way off but the expenditures were huge, way more than they should have been to pay for adhesive supplies..."

   He noticed Justin and Arjax starting to doze off. Even Brian was starting to glaze over.

   "Ahem! Ahem!" he said loudly.

   Brian swerved the car. "Geez, Ted! Warn me next time to talk like that. I'm driving for Chrissakes!"

   Ted sighed. "He spoke slowly and clearly as if to children. "Debits and credits are money taken in and money spent. They're supposed to match up at the end of the month and at the end of the year. They didn't. He was way richer than he was making out. And as much as he was making, the money he was spending was huge. And the reasons were way off. There were chemicals worth only a few thousand dollars bought up for tens of thousands. The "glue" shipments were being sold for millions. It was way too much. Understand now?"

   "OK," they all nodded assent.

   "The rest of the accountants were drones. They either couldn't see or didn't see anything wrong with....with anything. So one day I chatted up with a guard and as I left, I bumped him and stole his keys. I went to an elevator and used the key in the special slot they are able to use. The thing dropped like a stone. I must have gone down for miles. I'd never been so scared. When it finally opened, I was in this huge complex. The things I saw...the horrors I witnessed...you can't imagine. But of course I was caught. And then...suddenly I was at my desk. Everything was all right. And I felt radically loyal to the company. I felt this weird compulsion...like I was just living the day so I could look forward to the end of the day to take the Oath. After that I was trapped in the loop. Take the Oath, go to bed, wake up, go to work, look forward to the Oath, take the Oath. Of course all good things come to an end."

   "That was the good thing!?" said Justin incredulously.

   "Oh yes! Ignorance truly is bliss there and it keeps you alive as well. Of course, finally my luck ran out and some ass sneezed me awake just yesterday. That's when I could see we were all sitting in an auditorium in a trance and not reciting anything at all. I remembered everything. Of course before I could do anything or think about escaping, I was grabbed by guards and brought down to the cells. Stockwell himself visited me. He would have simply killed me but he still needed a CFO. Plus I was no good for guard duty because I knew too much. I was slated for heavier brainwashing where my name, my personality, my memories would have been stripped. I was to be nothing but a mindless money managing moronic minion...forever. That's when you busted in and rescued me."

   They had reached the castle and turned into the drive. Unconsciously, all four men heaved a huge sigh of relief as the heavy gates shut behind them and locked securely.

   "Oh my God, Ted! That's incredible! But why?? What could warrant such a fate? What on earth did you see?" asked Justin.

   "Terrible things. Unbelievable things. Some things are so farfetched, you simply won't believe me. When I first got out of the elevator there was...Hey! Brian, what's that? Is your lawn on fire?"

   "Huh!? What the Hell!!?" Brian squinted into the dark and tromped on the accelerator. Indeed in the distance there was the unmistakable orange flickering fingers of fiery flames.

   They arrived in no time and it turned out to be a campfire on the lawn secured within a circle of stones not far from the front door. A tent was set up and a bedroll was set up in front of the fire where a wizened old man was roasting wieners.

   "Hey! Who are you!? What the hell do you think you are doing!?" Brian yelled, "This is private property! And you can't set a fire here! You're wrecking the lawn!" Indeed, even in the dark, they could see within the circle of the firepit, the grass has been completely burnt out.

   "You gave me little recourse. I knocked and knocked but no one answered. I had no idea when you'd be back. So I set up camp for the night. Would you like a weenie?" he asked, offering them the one he had been roasting.

   "No, we would not like a weenie!! Just what the he-"

   "Ahh well, your loss. They're delicious," said the old man taking a bite. He closed his eyes in supreme enjoyment. "Mmmmmmmmm...I do so love a good piece of meat, don't you?"

   "You have no idea," replied Justin wryly, earning a wrathful gaze from his partner.

   "Ahh yes! What am I doing here? I am a humble hermit living in a humble hovel. A week ago it was destroyed in a most magical and dastardly deed and I was hovel and homeless, left lonely, and on one's own to wander the wide world. So I made it my mission to scout and search out the sorcerer, to prowl and pursue the perpetrator of this malicious magic and to reclaim my residence."

   Next moment, Brian was flabbergasted to see Justin zip over and consume the batty old man in a huge hug. "Oh I know who you are now! Oh how are you doing!? I missed you!! I'm so glad you are still all right!" he gushed.

   The two men embraced tightly for several seconds. Then: "Ahem! Ahem!" ahem-ed Brian jealously.

   "Oh Brian! This is the old man I met in the forest that day when...well when IT happened. He's the one that gave me the box! He's a dear friend! Oh, you must come in and stay with us until we can think of something to do to help you! Besides, I'm pretty sure it is our magic that destroyed your house. I'm so sorry!"

   "This castle is yours!!? Now Sonny, I told you to be careful! I told you that using the box on this scale could have terrible consequences!"

   "Oh don't worry! This wasn't created from the box. I'll tell you the whole story once we're inside."

   Ted rolled up the hermit's bedroll, Arjax dismantled the tent and Brian ran to find a bucket and an outside faucet and soon put out the fire and mourned that section of his lawn for a few minutes. Then the lot of them, with Justin going first with the hermit on his arm, went inside and closed the door against the night.

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   It was a while later. Brian, Justin, Ted, and the hermit were ensconced in the Great Room. Arjax had gotten the fidgets and he knew the stories they were going to tell anyway so he went off to the stables to look after the horses. Brian made a fire in the huge fireplace and Justin used the secret passage to go to the kitchens and get hot chocolate and soon they were all cozy and comfortable.

   Justin and the hermit slipped into an easy kind of repartee that was easy and light and peppered liberally with alliteration. Brian just watched in astonishment and kept a hand on Justin's back as a sign of possession and comfort and made soothing circles at the same time. Ted just sat and listened and thought, free thoughts, the kind of thoughts he had been enslaved away from for many months.

   Justin told him of his kidnapping, Ethan's greed consuming him and his escape home. He told him of the magic that had cured Brian of his curse and changed many aspects of the people and landscape of the property including this castle.

   "So what happened to you?" he asked finally.

   "Well young man, all this finally explains what happened on my end. Nothing really happened to me, but to everything around me. I was spooning out some weak pottage all ready to have my early evening sit down when there was a portentous earthquake. The rumbling of the earth was like a growling animal. So I wisely went outside to see what was going on and what would happen. What did happen, I could never have imagined.

   Justin leaned forward. Ted cracked open his eyes to show interest. Brian quirked an eyebrow.

   "A giant shockwave, like a shimmering in the air was headed toward me at great speed. It was uprooting whole trees and blasting huge rocks to rubble. There was no getting around it and no time to do anything else."

   "I hustled behind the biggest rock I could see and knelt and prayed. The wave hit. The boulder was shattered but it absorbed the blow for me. My hovel was exploded into pieces no bigger than the pebbles I used as coasters. It was completely destroyed."

   "Oh my goodness! I'm so glad you survived! We'll rebuild your house, of course, won't we Brian?"

   Brian looked like he'd rather ask a girl out on a date but he gave him an obligatory smile. "Of course." He said.

   "I wish it were that easy, Sonny! But didn't you hear me? Rubble is the least of my problem. It's what happened next that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I can build a hovel out of anything. But this...this...monstrosity....this terrible...horrible...."

   "Just relax and take your time," Justin said soothingly, stroking his hand, "You're among friends here. What happened next...uh...uh...oh my! I don't think I ever found out your name!"

   "Nobody's called me by a name in so long I forgot what it was," the hermit said, "I always did like Timothy though. I guess you can call me that."

   "That's a great name Timothy," Justin said, "OK, what happened next?"

   "Well, I was left standing in a decimated forest and a pile of bricks and wood that used to be my hovel. The trees were all flattened down and broken like toothpicks and the few that were left were leaning askew and crooked. I sat down on a log and wondered a bit what to do. Then I started to make plans to make mud brick to make a new hovel when a gentle quake warned me of something else."

   "A new shockwave was headed my way and this one was cleaning up the devastation. The askew trees were straightened and the downed ones disappeared entirely. I could see a castle rising...not too far away. The shock wave hit and I felt warm and delicious, kind of like when his hot chocolate goes down. It hit the remains of my house and kept going. And then...my hovel...my hovel...oh my beautiful hovel! It's too horrible!"

   "What is? What happened?" asked Justin, terribly distressed.

   Timothy shuddered. "It started...rebuilding. But...but it was all wrong! It grew too high! It grew two wide! The style was all wrong! And when it was done I was left with a two-story cottage with white gables! And...it was...PINK!!" he finished in the absolute of horrors.

   Needless to say, nobody else was horrified. Even Justin settled back in a bit of disappointment. "Pink? Is that it?" he asked.

   "No, that is not it, you young smartypants! That's just the beginning! I went inside and it was ruined! The furniture was chintz and there were doilies everywhere. The stairs and banisters were oaken and so was the door. Upstairs there were THREE, count ‘em three!...bedrooms! The place was huge! A palace! I couldn't live there!"

   "Uhhh...why not?" asked Brian, "Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me."

   "Uhh, Tim, I'm going to have to go with Brian on this one! It sounds....pretty good. I thought you were going to tell us about a man-eating tiger or something," said Justin.

   "Fools!" hissed Timothy, "A tiger I could have tolerated! My house had been completely sissified! What do I look like, a lesbian?"

   Brian quirked his eyebrow again. Now the old man was speaking his language.

   "Besides, I'm a simple man, a hermit and I like a hovel house. I hate finery. But even that...that was not the worst. Through the whole house, the carpets, the walls, everywhere was the greatest horror of all!"

   They all leaned forward.

   "PASTELS..." he whispered in the utmost horror and disgust.

   Well, they all had to laugh a little. But the little man looked so outraged that they quickly schooled themselves into serious again.

   "I can not live with pastels! So I gave it up and headed toward the castle. It took me a week to get out of the forest and around to the front door. I arrived shortly after sunset and knocked but there was no answer so I set up camp. That's where you found me."

   "Well, Timothy, I'm at a bit of a loss what to do," Justin said, "It sounds like you were more than compensated. I'm sorry the decor went all....dainty...on you but we didn't mean for that to happen. The shock wave of love did what it willed. It must have had a reason."

   "I want my hovel back!" declared Timothy querulously, "I'm a simple man...a simple hermit and I want my simple life and ugly house back!"

   "Oh Timothy, no!" Justin cried, "I just got you back again. Suppose....suppose we gave you a room here! There's loads! And lots that are more masculine! And if you want to be left alone, you can be. And later... later if you still want it we'll build you a new simple house on a secluded area of the estate. How about that?"

   "Justin...." Brian growled softly...dangerously.

   "Timothy can stay...oh say he can Brian! You don't mind...do you!?" Justin turned to Brian and gave him a full dose of puppy dog eyes.

   "Ohhh.....damn you Sunshine, you know I can't say no to those eyes. Just next time....let's discuss things together first."

   "Oh hurray! OK Tim! You'll stay here with us in the castle from now on! Please!? Stay with us!?"

   "Well Justin...I don't know! This place is huge! I don't know if I'm going to be comfortable here!"

   "Please!? Give it a try? I have the perfect apartment all picked out for you. The color scheme is all black, white and gold. No pastels. And very masculine. And close to this big living room.

   "All right...all right! I must admit you've peaked my curiosity. Where is it?"

   "This'll be great! You'll see! OK, let's show it to you!" And they all stood and Justin took his arm again and they all walked out of the Great room and down the first hall of apartments.

   The apartment Justin showed him was very close, indeed the first door down. It was indeed all in black and white and the fixtures were gold. The walls were white. The carpet was soft as sin and in a checkerboard pattern. There was a black leather couch and a few leather armchairs. There was a radio, and big TV and a glass coffee table. There was a fireplace with a checkerboard hearth. There was a nice kitchenette and the bed was huge, king size and made up in white silk sheets and a black duvet.

   Timothy tottered over and looked at everything. "No! No! No! This is much too big! Much too fancy! Much too....hey is this real leather?" he asked feeling up the couch.

   "It sure is," said Justin.

   Timothy shook it off. "No! No! No! This won't do! This...hey is that a Jacuzzi?" he asked as he poked his head into the adjoining bathroom which was huge. And equipped with said Jacuzzi and walk in shower with safety bars and a...

   "No! No! No! This won't do! Hey...is that a stool in there?" he asked pointing to the shower.

   "It sure is!" answered Justin happily.

   "No! No! No! Everything's much too fancy! Much too....hey is that a Turkish coffee maker?"

   And so it went. Tim went all around the room nit picking and then seeing some new toy whereupon he'd forget to nit pick. And Justin would always answer: "It sure is!"

   "Hmmmph! Now this is the last straw! This is just too fancy! This bed is huge! Why I bet you could fit four of me in here! And just feel this mattress! It's not straw! It has to be feathers! Yup! Goose feathers!" he confirmed as he sat on it experimentally. "Justin, I can't possibly accept this! This is way too soft! Way too...comfortable....Way....too.......zzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................."

   And he was out! He fell over and switched out like a light. Subconsciously, he stretched out into the softness as much as possible and a small smile curved his aged lips.

   "Awwwwww! Look at him! He's asleep!" Justin said happily.

   "Yeah. I guess complaining about every little thing wears a body out," Brian said sarcastically. He was unimpressed with their new adopted grandparent and was still thinking about his ruined patch of lawn. Justin smacked him in the arm.

   "Come on...help me get him settled," Together, they shucked off his robes until he was down to his undies and got him under the covers. The old man shifted in pleasure and settled deeper into slumber.

   "Awwwww....he's so cute!" whispered Justin.

   "Ohhh, come on, you old softy! Let an old man sleep!" They hung his clothes on one of the bedknobs and then Brian dragged out a doe-eyed Justin by his arm and switched off the light.

   They showed Ted to a nearby, equally luxurious apartment and left him there to go to the Family Wing. Ted was much more grateful, thanked them profusely and then impulsively hugged Brian hard.

   "Thank you, Bri! You saved my life and my mind! And thank-you too, Justin! I can never repay you!"

   "All right Teddy! All right! OK! OK Leggo Teddy! Leggo now!" Ted finally did but he was not fooled by Brian's gruffness.

   Later, in the softness of their own big bed in the Family Wing, Justin snuggled into Brian's big chest.

   "You can't fool me, you big softy! You love our new family members as much as I do!"

   "Hmmmph! Not likely! A vandal and an ungrateful complainer on one side and a weepy hugger who won't let go of me on the other! They're both nuts!"

   But Justin just laughed softly and kissed him softly on the lips. He was not fooled.

   Of course, kisses are like potato chips. You can't stop with just one. And it was no different in this case. Brian kissed Justin, Justin kissed Brian and soon they were doing what they did best.

   Going at it like rabbits.

TBC