March 23, 2008.

My dear sweet little Teddy. Three days of not talking to you. How are you? Awfully stressed, poor baby? Well, you gonna have to go through this. I am stressed too, and have nobody to share my feelings. It is so tedious, by the way! This year we've been chatting every day – kinda habit, like brushing your teeth mornings. When I hear a lol-able joke, I tell you right away. And, like, shoot everything and send to your phone. And now I am declining your calls, brute. Forgive me, sweetheart. Word of honor, soon I will gather my wits and come to you.

As always, it's all about boners. My upper head needs to sort out, what the lower one has to do. Most of my life I have been taking cues from the wrong one. I cannot say I had to regret it even once, but in our case I certainly will, if I do not consider everything thoroughly. That night, when I got so hammered in Babylon, you decided everything for me, and from now on I have to do it myself.

As always, Teddy, you have thought too much. We would have done it, so what? It could be great. The first decision is always the most correct. And now I will have to think. I loathe sitting and grinding my brains, making some life-changing decisions! Although, who knows, you probably would have taken into your head that I yielded to an impulse and then, blah-blah-blah, pitied you and all that stuff. Too often you think that I pity you.

In reality, it is not the case. Sure, it is not super-important, but it would be stupid to deny the obvious. You belong to that happy breed of men who get more and more handsome over the years. Marlon Brando of our queen scene. It is frightful to imagine, how you will look at sixty, when we all will get bald, turn into rolls of fat and trickle to the floor. And the more I look at you, the harder is my boner. After that night I have cramps in my loins as soon as I recall us lying on this bed and kissing. Oh, finish l8r.

So. The most important thing is not how sexy you became. Actually, it has been a very long time already – since THEN. Five years ain't a joke. First I could not even think about having sex with you. It made me see that hideous scene when you got wasted and made me jerk you off. Believe me, my life has been diverse, but there was nothing more cringe-worthy in it. But now I think that it was some one-off Teddy, and a very long time ago. It even seems to me that it was some other person.

But we both know that it was you. And you CAN do THIS. And if you can do this, who knows, what you will come up with, if something rubs you the wrong way. And what shall I do then? What will I be able to do then?! I just will not survive that shit again.

And if I put out to you now, it will not be just that. You told me, you wanted it more than anything else in your life. You cannot imagine, how moved I was by those words. But they reminded me once again: this all is terribly serious. And if we fuck now, it will mean that I am responsible for you again, and all your woes are mine. And all your acts are mine. How shall I cope with this?

At the time of your break up with Blake a year ago you did not want to talk to me for a month. Just once you came to weep on my couch, and I had no idea, how to help. Actually, if I am always with you, it probably will be better for us both. Then you scared me shitless, especially when you locked up in your condo and was smashing it. I believe, then I lost half of my hair. Had we lived together, I would not have allowed you to suffer so horribly and would have been less anxious for you. Although, had we lived together, what would that damned Blake have to do with you?!

On the other hand, when I was your boyfriend, it did not prevent you from doing fuck knows what right in my presence. This tweaked out assholes splooged my fave fur coat!!! I had no fucking clue what to do and what fuckliction was going on. I never felt so helpless, not even when they dipped my head into the school toilet. And I cannot stop wondering, where was my part of the responsibility, because when two people are a couple, this part is always there.

So, Teddy, I got terribly confused. And I wish I could have your advice.

March, 25

These "Oreos" cost me a shitload. I prowled, and I crept, and was still caught by Deb – frozen at the fridge. She started to interrogate me, as I was afraid of.

Why, she asked, did Ted the other day leave here with those SOUNDS of his? What sounds, I ask. She goes, like, the sounds that are followed by BEHAVIOR. Of course, I got what sounds she meant. Sniffing, grunting, stu-tu-tuttering. I keep quiet. And Deb asks me: "Why do you look as if you've not been fucked for a year?" I certainly tried to escape, but if she wants to talk, she will talk. And make anyone answer.

In the end, she told me she was not getting why we fags are so complex and are acting as total pricks. Come what may in Ted's life, no matter what shit he gets in, I am the one to rake it. Because we are still together, whatever I think. And now, besides that I am responsible for him, I do sit here unfucked! And while I am here jerking off on him, he sure as hell is jerking off on me. We'd better jerk each other off!

And right she was! Enough of that schlonguish. Tomorrow afternoon: Teddy's place. Or even today. No, tomorrow, I need a facial, and he is asleep anyway.

March 26

We fucked!!! It was ECSTATIC!!! Five years of fucking taught him fucking much!!!

March 29

Today again was ambushed by Drew next to Deb's place and coaxed to his car. They say: "Never get into strangers' cars!". Bullshit! One should not get to familiar cars. Well, I blew him unwittingly. Gross! But then I came to my wits and told him bluntly, that I love him very much, sure, but will not come back. And not because he fucked our maid. He was fucking people all the time, actually. I was trying not to notice it, but it was not an accident that I opened my eyes at last! Although, it really was wild of him – to bonk that chick right in our bed!

Well, Drew probably would have fucked my brains out and pleaded for forgiveness and got it, I do not know. Been there, done that, got a T-shirt, a flashlight and a mug. When Drew fucks me, I forget about everything. But two months before that, Teddy had started to LOOK at me again. He, certainly, believes, that his secret longing is wrapped in mystery, but I know him well and see through him. As recently as in January I would have been really strained by those stares, but later I surprisingly was not. Now I think that everything is going just right. If it had not been for that maid, I would have to do something with this myself.

No, I loved and love Drew. And that chicky fuck of his broke my heart. But now, everything really is going just right.

I promised nothing to Ted so far, and we did not discuss what had happened between us. And I am grateful that he does not force this conversation. At least, I am not going to tell him about today's encounter with Drew and do not feel obliged to do it. Although again, I have nobody to share this, argh!

If Ted and I get together officially, it will mean we will stay that way as long as we live. Just the two of us: me and him. And then again, if we do not get it right, I do not know how we will restore our friendship again. I mean, I am sure we will do it, but it will be very, very hard. As a matter of fact, I do not know even what scares me more: us getting it right or us getting it wrong. I mean, becoming partners. And "partner" is a wrong word, very dry. The word "lover" makes me cringe now. And speaking of family, Ted and I already are one. Even if this stuff beats me.

I do not want to make any decisions and act so far, I'll let it all add up by itself.

April 10

Asshole Boyd!!! Next time I see him I'll smash his smug mug even if he breaks my arms. Fucking jerk.

Poor Teddy checked out of the hospital. We drove him home, fed him, then I went to my place to take a breather. Was it right to let him spend the night alone? Sure it was wrong, but I wasn't staying at that damned condo. When Ted was ditched by Blake, I slept there on the couch, but then it seemed to me that if I stepped aside from Teddy, something awful would happen. Now he will cope on his own. And I need some solitude.

Too much emotions in me, I do not want to add new ones, tied to that bedroom and that bed. Dunno for sure, what I feel. Listen your gut, Em: did you forgive Teddy for good? Kinda yes. But still it is really creepy (mildly speaking) to be with him in that room. Sorta Vietnam Syndrome. Ted must be getting it, because he is buying a new house – for us.

Teddy is trying to hint he wants us to live in that house together. Trying, because those hints of his can make a dick laugh. Ri-dick-ulous. He could have just as well offered openly. But he is afraid to open up. Probably, right he is, because now I do not want to agree. We had already moved to a new house, and look how that ended! Duh, we will move in together, but I need more time to grow into it.

Apparently, I changed a lot in recent years. Before my men used to decide such things for me. And I used to do what I was told – and to think that was so romantic. Ted said: we are moving! And I, like, wow! And the house was picked up by Ted. No, he bought the one I wanted, but the decision was his! And the money, for that matter. Then Drew offered: let us live together, and I: hurray! And now I left Drew, and Ted is awfully afraid of me. Because mine is not only the last word, but a complete one half of the decision.

I really hate that again it is he who buys the house. Worse yet, he asked me to feather that nest for my liking, but as if for him – and at his expense. It means Teddy still does not get that I am not a little fiancée type: only able to just to bat my lashes and look for pillows in a catalogue. And it is really vexing! But I do not want to tell him when he is lying there, all beaten. Especially since I am the one to blame.

Heigh-ho… Tomorrow morning: Teddy's place, will give him breakfast. Still feeling guilty for failing to spend nights there. But I just can't.

What a dither! I hope this is the peak of the drama, not the start.

May 5

Almost a month wrote nothing, busy-busy.

Teddy took me to Paris for the week-end! It was fabulous!!! My Prince Charming!

Had a thought: Ted is versatile. We had been together for almost six months, and I had not found time to inquire, what is his fav position as bottom. Need to catch up. And it comes to mind, how he was raving about Dale Wexler. Why not to tap that side of my sexuality again? My experience there is small, but I think I will make it. Google and innate artistry work wonders!

My sweetheart has been working so much recently, I am not getting into his way. In the end, he paid for our voyage alone. I did not offer him to pay my share – if he wants to be generous, why not to make him happy. I myself gave this advice to Michael back then.

May 12

We went to Venice. Liked it very much, but am kinda furious. Ted is getting on with his Generous Knight game, although it is a great pain in my ass. Feels like, he is trying to earn my favor. Dunno how to persuade him, he does not need to do that, especially in such silly ways. I'm afraid that if I start to deny him now, he will go over a really sharp bend. Foisted me his credit card during the journey.

Last year I made more by half, than Ted. But God forbid me to let him know, or hell will rise. Probably he has grown since the last time, but still there is no confidence in him. So, I bought two ties – for him and for me. Very cute ones, by the way! Mine is dotted with tender Empire-style roses, peach-colored. Ted's is dark olive, to highlight eye color.

He is sitting, working, never lifting his head, eating nothing. Last time he was like that was when his relationship with Blake fell into twat. But now all is well! Apparently, not well at all. Need to come up with something.

May 18

Looks like I found a way to make Teddy ease a little. My inspiration Parisien made the trick! Although it was STRANGE. But I liked it!!! Will buy nipple clamps tomorrow.

May 20

Fuck it helped.

Ted's twattacks went crescendo. When it became totally dumb to deny he had gone into a tailspin, I went to see Blake. Asked what to do with the sufferer. In the end, Blake is a pro here. He told, Ted is prone to some impulsive disorder* (google it!!!), and when he is upset, he starts jerking off and cannot stop. Not always in direct sense of the word.

No way he will go to see a pro, not in this condition, at least, so I have to take Blake to his place. Oh I HATE this brat!!! Fucking ghoul, sucked all Teddy's blood out. But if he can help now, I have to put up with this.

Poor Ted, he is totally down. I understand that it happened because of me, but in reality I am just a pretext. He himself is the cause, and if now I just give him what he needs, his calm will last precisely till the next moment when he fails to cope with himself. And I will have no chance to help him already, if I act as I used to. It's going to be as before. Awful.

Also it bugs me that he cannot bite the bullet and tell me about his feelings openly. Is he really afraid that I will get up and leave?! Who does he think I am?! Keeps looking at me by those puppy-dog eyes of his and jerks off. Oh yes, no jerk and all work. To tour me across Europe.

May 25

Looks like Blake had helped. When I came home, Ted was weeping on his chest – for more than an hour, by the color of his face. And then Blake left, Ted snuggled at my side and fell asleep. My poor, poor baby.

Teddy, my love, I need some more time. I see that you are scared shitless, but I will not give rein to your emotions again. Don't you remember where it led us the last time!

We were hurrying too much then. We were not really ready. Now we are closer to this, and I feel: by and by. And I have made my decision, and you will like it. But please, give me a little more time to be alone and to understand completely, what we have to do for making it just right this time. Because now everything has to be quite different. Both for your sake and mine.

May 28

Of course, you yourself will never appreciate, what a FASHIONABLE ring I bought for you. But it will please my eye when I will see it on your hand holding my dick. High time to check it out!

Let me just burn this diary. I hope I will never need one again.

Too bad Aunt Lula cannot come to the wedding! But I know for sure: she is ever so happy for me – there, in Heaven.

FIN