Chapter 12

Woods and Witches

For a few seconds all three men saw the same thing. They all saw the other two slipping and sliding and rolling down an endless green tunnel vortex. All three of them were screaming like little girls. Then each one saw the other two disappear into flashes of white light. And then there was a blinding flash of white light of their own. There was a blinding white flash and....

Randal was thrown onto the ground. He was indeed in the middle of a forest but he could tell at once it was different. There was more sunlight coming through the trees, the trees were younger on the most part and a little ways down the trail he was on was a sunny tunnel entrance of a clearing.

Randal picked himself up and headed that way. Perhaps he could get his bearings.

There was indeed a clearing and in it was a beautiful meadow with red and yellow flowers and by the side of the trail. Sitting on a red and white checked blanket was an old hag of a woman. She was very ugly with a long nose and a fearsome wart on the end of it. She wore a blue and white checked apron.

The blanket was set out with a tea; there were scones and jelly cakes and cookies and a strange teapot with two handles and two long, curved spouts on each side of it.

"Why hello, young man," said the hag, "Have a seat! Have tea with me and I'll make you a wealthy man!"

"And how will you do that, old granny?" asked Randal. He knelt onto the blanket.

"Well, over there in the hollow of that tree is a cave," said the old woman pointing to a wreck of a tree that looked like it had been struck by lightning. "In the cave, there are three doors. Through the first door is a dog with eyes the size of teacups. He sits upon a chest of coppers. I will give you my apron and you must boldly seize him and put him on it. Then you can take as much money as you want."

"If silver is more your fancy, then go into the middle chamber. The dog in there is much bigger and scarier with eyes as big as dinner plates. But don't be scared and seize him and put him on the apron. Then you can take as much silver as you want."

"Silver does sound much better than copper," Randal said.

"And if gold is more your fancy, go into the third chamber. The dog there is enormous and his eyes are the size of mill wheels. But just take hold of him and put him on the apron and take as much gold as you like."

"And what do you want out of this old woman?"

"Quite right. In the hall there should be an old tinder box lying forgotten. My old granny let one of the dogs scare her and dropped it last time she was in there and I'd like it back."

Randal thought it would be nice to be able to collect some money from this adventure and be able to get some money to put forth toward his wedding to Gus, so he agreed.

The hag tied a rope around him and gave him her apron and lowered him down into the tree. There was indeed a cave down there and an old tinder box lying in the middle of the floor. Randal picked it up and then went straight to the third door.

The dog was about 15 feet high and filled the chamber. He was sitting on a large chest. His eyes were indeed the size of mill wheels and they turned like spirals. Randal watched for a bit and grew quite dizzy and hypnotized but he showed no fear.

"Good morning," he said at last, "You had better not look at me like that for very long or it'll make your eyes water."

And he seized the dog and put it on the apron and it did not harm him.

He opened the chest and took as much gold as he could and was very pleased with himself that he would be able to help with traveling expenses and the wedding.

He went back into the cave and called up to the hag and said: I'm ready! And I have the tinder box! Pull me up!"

The hag pulled him up and it took a little while but soon they were in the meadow again and back on the blanket ready to have tea.

"That was thirsty work," said the hag, "Join me in a cup?"

"Thanks. That sounds nice. So why'd you want this old tinder box anyway?

The old granny poured from one spout and a lemony yellow tea poured out. She turned it around and poured out the other spout and Earl Gray poured out! This she gave to Randal.

"Oh, it's just a family heirloom. It doesn't really matter," said the hag. "Come on now, a deal's a deal! Hand it over!"

"No, don't! Help! Help us!!" called a voice.

"What was that?" asked Randal.

"What was what?" asked the hag innocently. "Now...hand it over...and....drink up!"

"HELP!" cried the voice a little louder. "Don't drink the tea! Help us!"

Randal threw away the teacup just as it was about to touch his lips. He drew his rapier. He knew the drill here.

"What's going on!? Who was that voice!?" he demanded.

"Help us! In the meadow!" yelled the invisible voice.

Randal walked into the meadow a few steps...

"No! Don't!" yelled the hag.

...and hit a barrier. "What the hell?" he cried and floundered and pulled and sliced and suddenly everything came down and it turned out the meadow wasn't really a meadow at all, it was a realistic painting of a meadow on a sheet. Randal pulled the whole thing away and instead of a meadow there was quite a different clearing with a green lawn and a picket fence made out of candy canes and in the yard was a large house made out of gingerbread and candy. The eaves were gumdrops, the chimney was made out of bricks of shortbread, and the windows were panes of glazed sugar.

In the yard was a giant birdcage and in the birdcage was a little boy.

There was a pause.

"Well.....this is awkward..." said the hag.

"That's an understatement! So....you're not just some tea sucking granny! You're a witch!"

"No shit, Sherlock," said the witch sarcastically.

"You evil thing!" yelled Randal. Snick! Snock! And he cut off the witch's head and off it went, rolling away along the ground.

‘ But he gave no care for that, and hopped the candy cane fence and used his rapier to jimmy the cage door open. Next moment, the door popped open and the little boy was free!

Randal helped the little boy down.

"Gee, thanks mister!" he said, "Me and my sister have been trapped for ages! Gretel! Gretel! Come on out! We're free! We've been rescued at last!"

A little moppet of a girl with blond pigtails ran out of the house. "Thank you! Thank you!" she cried. "She was fattening up my brother to eat him!"

"That's terrible! How long have you been here? Who are you? And why was she feeding me all that shuck and jive?"

"She wanted the tinder box! It's magic. But she was too old to make the trip down into the cave herself. The key was the tea. If you would have drunk it, you would have become her slave and she would have stolen the gold you took and made you kill yourself in some terrible way! We're Hansel and Gretel and we've been here for about a month. We were tricking her to survive and making her think we weren't getting any fatter. But one of us was always locked..." Gretel broke off and screamed that long, shrill scream of pure fear that only little girls can. She pointed.

Randal swung around to look and wished he hadn't.

The witch's body had twisted itself around in a grotesque fashion and was crab walking around the yard blindly. The head was giving directions. The body was remaining pretty clueless but it was getting closer.

"Shit!..I mean shoot! What's the hell's going on!" yelled Randal.

"This witch can only be killed by fire!" Gretel screamed. Fortunately, we've got a plan! We would have done this sooner but she's always been careful to keep one of us hostage! Come on!"

They all ran into the candy house. They followed Gretel into the kitchen. She threw a bottle of cooking oil into the stove. Then she took another one and poured a trail from the stove to the center of the room and poured out a huge pool. Then she grabbed a rag and soaked it in the oil.

"Don't worry about the language. We've heard loads of worse from her!" said Hansel.

"Never mind that now! Smash out the kitchen door so you'll have a clear shot from outside," directed Gretel.

Randal did so gladly, smashing the door off the hinges with two kicks.

Outside, the witch had reached her head and had picked it up.

The three of them ran outside. All three of them screamed at the disgusting sight.

The witch was screwing her head on.

Gretel gave the rag to Randal. "Put this on the end of an arrow and shoot it! The stove is the heart of the house! Hurry! We don't have much time!"

Screee!! Screee! Screee! The screwing sound was horrible.

"All you children have been verrrry, verrrry, naughty!" said the witch, and she sounded nothing like a sweet, gold giving granny anymore. She sounded rotted and clotted and like what might happen when rotted, solid bits of expired milk and that really especially gooey kind of snot had a baby.

"Wait'll you see what I'm going to do for an encore!" quipped Randal. He took the oily rag from Gretel and wrapped it around the end of an arrow.

"Ohhhhhhhh.... Chiillldrrreeennnnnn!!!!" came a very different voice and because he was just grown it didn't affect him but it did go through him like nails on a chalkboard.

"Yes, Mistress!" came two creepy, entranced voices and Randal knew he had only seconds.

"Get him!" commanded that horrible clotted voice

And then he had no seconds as two kids jumped on him and what was he supposed to do? They were just kids. Young, strong, in prime of their lives...Good God were they supposed to be this strong?...kids. But still kids.

The witch shuffled closer and closer. Any moment they would all be captured again.

As gently as he could, he shook Hansel off his arm, twisted on his back, sat up. He held up the tinder box.

"NOOOOOO!!!!" wailed the witch.

He flicked it twice before he managed to light his arrow on fire.

As an added bonus the dog with the eyes as big as dinner plates appeared. It was a Great Dane twice the size of a Great Dane.

"Master! What is thy wish?" said the dog.

"Get these kids off me and keep them out of my way! But don't hurt them! Not one hair must be harmed."

"Master, it shall be done!" The dog leapt forward and next moment Randal was free and the dog was holding Hansel and Gretel by their collars in his mouth. Their feet dangled off the ground.

Aiming quickly, Randal let the arrow fly. It flew into the house and landed exactly in the pool of oil. The fire trailed over to the oven. The oiled oven blazed.

There was an explosion. The fire blazed up through the chimney till there was a flame on top of the chimney and it looked like a giant candle for a few minutes. The entire house began to burn.

The witch screamed, long and loud and shrill. She burst into flame. She was hitting at herself, tearing at her clothes. She was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. She was a flaming scarecrow. She was flopping over. She was dead.

The house was properly ablaze now. The entire thing was melting and caramelizing and gooifying and crumbling.

As soon as the witch was dead, Hansel and Gretel were released from their spell. Randal directed the dog to put them down.

"Burn! Burn! Burn!" they all chanted in glee and punched into the air in triumph, "Burn! Burn! Burn!...Burn! Burn! Burn!"

They all watched the house burn until it was a gooey, fudgey, mushy, lumpy mess.

Then he directed the dog to take Hansel and Gretel home. He looked at the tinder box and thought.

"Dog," he asked, "I have to go home as well now. Can you come to me across realms?"

The dog bowed his head. "Master, I and my brothers have sworn to obey the holder of the tinder box in all things that we can. However, this thing you ask is beyond our power."

Randal nodded and tossed the tinder box to Hansel. "Be careful with that kid. Use it to provide and protect yourself and your sister. Be careful not to abuse them though. Remember that you were abused yourself once. That will help you remember."

"I will. Thanks Randal! Thanks!" they both said, "And...goodbye!" Their voices faded as the dog loped away with them on his back.

Randal packed as much gold as he could into the witch's apron and made it a bundle and then went back along the path the way he had come. Eventually, he came to the part of the path where he knew he had come out of. He took a few steps backward and sure enough...BLOOOP!! He disappeared.

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There was a blinding white flash and...

Brian landed on his face in the snow. He spluttered and sat up quickly. What the HELL?

The forest he had been deposited in was a wintery one. The trees were skeletal or looked like frosted cakes if they were evergreen. The snow was deep and soft and it was getting dark. Directly ahead, and a little in the distance was a light.

Brian broke off a few branches and made a large cross in the snow where he landed and struck out. He was hoping there was a friendly cottage or something where that light was.

There was no cottage. Instead, standing alone in the middle of the wood was a lamppost, shining brightly but uselessly. Who on earth would need this out here?"

He had only been looking at this for about half a minute when the fir trees in front of him parted and a small girl with dark pigtails stepped out into the clearing.

They both looked at each other. The girl didn't seem particularly frightened of him but she was surprised and was even more surprised at the lamppost.

"Hello. I'm Lucy. And you are...?"

"Brian," said Brian, his mouth perking up at the ends at her moxy. You'd think she was at a tea party or something.

"Brian..." she said trying it out, "My goodness this is strange. What's a lamppost doing way out here...I mean...I guess this is way out here...somewhere. I only just arrived."

"You only just arrived? How....exactly did you get here?" asked Brian.

"With magic," she said, obviously trying to impress him. When he only quirked an eyebrow, she elaborated, "I was staying in a big house. There was a wardrobe in a spare room. I got in to play hide and seek. But there was no back. I could just keep going...and...instead of coats there were trees....and I was here. I saw the light and came to see what it was."

"I came here by magic too. Over that way," he pointed. "Only it was nothing like a wardrobe, that s for sure. More like a vortex! A magic trap that landed me....here.

"Wow! That is so...neat! This place...it must be just full of magic! I wonder if it's just full of portals and gates to other worlds!

"It's too cold to think about that from here," said Brian, "Besides... the only thing I want to do is find the portal that gets me home!"

At that moment they heard the jingling of bells.

"Oh my! Listen to that! Makes me think of Father Christmas!" said Lucy in adorable moppet mode.

"Father Whose-mas? Anyway, it's the middle of nowhere...and just getting dark..."

The bells were getting closer.

At that moment, everything that was an alarm bell went off in Brian. His protective instinct went into overdrive and he grabbed Lucy off her feet and carried her through the trees she had come out of. In a few seconds they were safely in the thickets and concealed.

And it was just in the nick of time. The owner and author of the jingle bells swept into the clearing and it was not Father Christmas.

"Stop!!" yelled an imperious voice. They stopped.

"Lucy! Go back! Go back to your coats and your wardrobe and...and wherever and hurry! Whoever this is, she's extremely dangerous...I can feel it in every bone of my body."

"But why? Who is she?" Lucy strained to see but Brian held her back.

"I don't know. She's tall. Twice as big as an ordinary woman. Her face is drained of color. And that voice says she's in charge, or thinks she is and used to getting her own way. By any means necessary. She's not someone a child should confront and deal with. I'm not sure I want to deal with her!"

"Majesty! I've noticed you always stop to look at this artifact whenever we pass by this way," said a cravenly, suck-up-ish voice, "Why? Can't we get moving? It's so cold!"

Are you a weather forecaster...or my slave!? Of course it's cold! I make it that way, fool! She turned to look at the lamppost again. As for why I stop at this...artifact...it is because it makes me remember....remember the time when I put it there!"

Brian and Lucy gasped.

"But that lamp has been there since I was born!" said the craven voice, "And...and I'm ever so much older than you! I...I mean you look sooo young....and beautiful and..."

Brian rolled his eyes.

"Peace fool! I know what you mean! I am aware of how long dwarves live! And you are right. It was here when you were born. When your father was born. When his father was born. Before that. Always burning with that hateful light. They say it will not go out until the last day."

"But how can that be?"

"I was here on the first day. I had broken off a piece of a similar lamp in another world to use as a weapon. I was close...so close to bending those creatures...to my will and taking over their world!"

Lucy covered her mouth with her hand in horror. That...that monster....had been in her world?"

"But I was dragged here by magic on its day of creation. Eventually I saw my weapon was useless so I threw it away. Because it was a new world, it's magic took hold of even that and it grew...grew into that! I must say....it's such a different place now...since that day." She looked around at the snowy woody waste with triumph and pride.

"But that was hundreds...maybe a thousand years ago," said the craven dwarf that they now saw was in the driver's seat, "You're so young..."

"I was...in what passed for my 45th year when this happened. I made my way north. There was a magic tree with a magic apple. Now, unless due to some violent end....I shall live forever!"

"That witch...live forever! How horrible!" whispered Lucy.

"But what is this?! I see footprints! Of shoes! One...adult....and one...small thing....a booted dwarf maybe?"

"Booted dwarf! Well, I never! I'll boot her in the..." Lucy raged.

"Lucy! Go now! Get home! There's only a few seconds before she figures out..."

"They're still here! They must be hiding! The only one living around here is that idiot faun!" figured out the woman.

Brian cursed inwardly. "Go! Now! Before she catches both of us. I'll try and buy us some time!"

"But what if I...I mean I can't leave you..."

"That's very sweet. But I can take care of myself. But I can't do that if I'm worrying about you. Now go on...come on, get outta here, ya little knucklehead!"

Lucy looked as if she wanted to cry but then put a brave face on. "I'll come back! I will! And I'll keep a look out for you!" She began crawling away so as not to disturb any branches and then, when she was far enough away, stood and ran back the way she came. Brian watched her disappear between the boughs.

"This is your last chance!" the woman was yelling, "Come out! Come out now! If I have to have my dwarf beat the bushes, I will have you instantly killed! Come out and...if you amuse me...I may yet let you live!"

"All right! Ya got me! Ya got me! I'm coming out! Don't shoot or anything! Geez!" Brian pushed his way out into the clearing to confront the Witch and to see exactly what he was dealing with.

He was dealing with a lightweight sledge drawn by two white reindeer. In the driver's seat was a dumpy dwarf with a long, silvery beard. The woman in the sledge was as he had saw, twice as big as a normal woman or even a man. She was swathed in white furs and her face was dead white, like sugar or salt. In contrast, her lips were red and it looked like a blood upon the snow. She wore a gold crown, carried a wand as a kind of scepter and looked otherwise very regal and imposing but cruelly so.

Brian and the white queen faced each other.

"And what, pray tell, are you?" asked the Witch, and Brian could figure out pretty much that's what she was.

"I'm Brian Fucking Kinney. And who the hell are you?"

"Insolent whelp! How dare you address the Queen of Narnia in such a manner!" said the dwarf, flicking him with his whip.

"Sorry...your majesty....I didn't know." Brian figured he'd have to play along until he could make a break for it. Damn! He could see his crossed sticks from here. But he had to get past the White Bitch first!

"Not know the Queen of Narnia! Well....you shall know us better hereafter. Maybe....much better after," said the Queen with a lascivious leer. Brian shuddered.

"But what are you!? What are you!? Are you an overgrown dwarf....waaayy overgrown...that has cut off its beard?"

"I'm a perfectly normal size thank you very much! And I have shaved but trust me...I'm all dude!"

"Answer me once and for all or I shall lose my patience! Are you human!?"

"Oh...yes your majesty!"

"And where is your partner!?" I know there was someone else here!"

"She was just a girl. I don't know her or how she got here. I sent her away. She's no longer your concern. She's gone."

"That will remain to be seen. In the meantime, I guess...you are my concern. You are a threat just being here...human... I've never seen a man since...that first day. I'd forgotten what they looked like. I forgot how...big they can be. Therefore, I offer you a choice. Consent to be my Consort...or stand in the snow, alone, cold, and hard for eternity!"

"I'm always hard. And I'm cold right now. So what's the difference?"

"You're still alive!" screamed the Witch, and taking aim, she pointed her wand above and a little to the right. A cold, grey beam shot out and the next instant, a stone squirrel fell out of a tree.

"Holy shit!" yelled Brian.

"Egggggsss-axctly!" said the Witch smugly.

"Well....given the options...I guess I really have none except to accept," said Brian, "Queen's Consort huh?"

"It's been a loooooong, cold winter," the Witch said.

Brian took a few steps until he was next to the sledge. "Well....it's about to heat up," he said seductively, quirking an eyebrow.

The Witch gave a hitch of excitement and moved over to make room.

"Lucy!! What the hell are you doing here!!? I told you to get away! Run for it!!" he yelled looking over the Witch's shoulder.

The Queen swung around to look, a feral expression in her features. She raised her wand and scanned the woods...

Even as she was turning, Brian was aiming. As at the critical point, when she was most off balance, Brian kicked the sledge with all his might and overturned it. The Queen screamed as she, the dwarf and everything went flying.

Even as they were still tipping over, Brian was bolting away, past them and down the forest path.

The Witch was screaming bloody murder.

"I wouldn't go near your cootch with a ten foot pole! I'd rather walk on broken glass and eat moldy cheese for the rest of my life!"

"That can be arranged!" returned the Witch in a terrible voice. "Catch him! Kill him!!"

Brian bobbed and weaved as he ran. It worked to an extent but there were terrible ‘swish...crack!' noises behind him and there were deadly grey bolts whizzing by him turning trees and bushes to stone. He knew he hadn't much time until...

Swish! Crack! And the whip was wrapping itself around his legs. He fell heavily to the ground.

He turned to see the Witch coming. She raised her wand.

"What was that about broken glass?" she rasped. She aimed and fired. Brian winced and crossed his arms in impotent protection.

From out of the forest, off to the left, a beaver jumped out in front of him with a large piece of tree bark held out as a shield. The beaver took the shot with the shield and then dropped the stone it had become.

The Witch screamed in rage.

"Hurry, Son of Adam! Escape back from where you came! We can only keep this up for so long!" The beaver jumped back into the bush off to the right.

The witch fired again. From the right, a strange creature like a man with goat legs jumped out with a piece of bark and took the shot. He jumped off to the left and disappeared before the Witch could do anything.

Brian yanked his legs in and pulled the dwarf in toward him. Then he kicked viciously several time until he heard a crunch and the dwarf released the whip and crumpled to the ground.

Brian hurried to release himself but found his hands shaky with fear and cold and he was too entangled. So he just grabbed the dwarf and held him up in front of him. He struggled to his feet and hopped backwards a few hops. He was nearly to his cross.

"Back off! You might hit me, but then again, maybe not! What would you rather have? A slave? Or a garden gnome!?"

"I have ten more of those things at home! Besides...I'm a pretty good shot." She aimed and fired but Brian blocked and....garden gnome.

He threw it away in disgust. He hopped back again a few times. He was at the cross. He hopped again. What was it that Randal had said? Go back? Back...

He hopped back again. And again. Come on...come on...where was that damn thing? For a few minutes he had that horrible feeling that he had missed it altogether. Hop...Hop...

The Witch smiled cruelly and advanced. She raised her wand....

Brian hopped. And desperately once more...

BLOOP!!

The air rippled and thankfully he was through and sliding away backwards through a green tunnel away from a white flash and a white world where a White Witch gnashed her teeth and screamed so loud that it dropped 20 degrees across the whole of the Western Narnian Wood.

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There was a blinding white flash and:...

Gus landed hard on his ass and the wind was knocked out of him. He sat there for a bit and waited for it to come back and looked around to see where he was.

He sucked in a huge breath and it wasn't just because his breath came back. He looked around in awe.

He was in a different forest, a spooky forest with blackened trees. They were all scorched and skeletal and there wasn't a hint of green anywhere.

Gus looked closer. That was weird. The forest looked somewhat....fake.

However, before he could investigate further, a piercing scream rent the air. Gus looked up and was astonished to see a girl being carried higher and higher into the air by a winged...wait, was that a monkey?

There was a full moon in the sky and Gus could see the girl wore a blue and white dress and a pair of red pumps. Wow. That was weird.

Gus quickly gathered some brush where he landed and drew a big circle in the dirt as a marker. Then he set off at a run through the mangled trees toward where he saw the girl clearly being carried through the night sky toward a black, evil looking castle.

Suddenly, there were strange "Oooooo...Ooooooo..." type cries and Gus found that he was surrounded by the same type of creatures. Holy shit! Incredibly, it was some kind of winged monkey. Big...winged monkeys.

Gus tried to dodge and run but he was quickly surrounded and grabbed. He was tackled by three or four and wrestled to the ground. Gus yelled and struggled and kicked but it was no use. They were too strong. Eventually, two of them got a good grip on each forearm. Gus tried to struggle loose but with all his might but it was no use. The flying monkeys took off with him between them and the other two followed closely behind. Gus wisely decided not to struggle anymore as he shared the girl's fate and was carried to the castle.

The girl had a considerable lead on him, so it was about half an hour after she had been carried in before Gus got there as well.

The winged monkeys flew in a window and into a large Great Hall. The girl and three companions ran out from somewhere and made a break for the front door. Before they could get there, however, the heavy doors slammed shut.

"AHHHH HEEE HEEE HEEEE HEEEE!!!!!!" someone cackled horribly, "Going so soon!? Why, I wouldn't hear of it! My little party's just beginning!" the person cackled long and loud again.

"Well! Thought you could escape did you!? Well, you'll soon see..."

"OOOOO.....OOOO...OOOOO!!!!" brayed the monkeys as they dropped down with Gus. "Mistress! Mistress! We got another one! Another one!"

Well, to say everybody was in a state of stupefaction would be an understatement. Everyone on the ground was surprised to see Gus and as Gus was finally put down he was faced with the most oddball of characters he had ever seen in his life.

Accompanying the girl was: a living scarecrow, a man made out of metal...was that tin?...and a lion who seemed weak in the knees. On the balcony above them, opposing them was an undeniable wicked witch. She wore all black and a black pointed hat and she was old, ugly and green.

There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at each other. Gus decided to get the ball rolling.

"Uh....hi there!" he said, with bravado he didn't feel.

"Who...who the hell are you?" asked the girl.

"I'm Gus. Who're you?" asked Gus.

"Dorothy. Scarecrow...Tin Man....Lion," she introduced shortly.

"Descriptive and to the point. Who's the hag?"

"She's the Wicked Witch of the West. She's an absolute nightmare and we're trying desperately to escape!"
"You know...I AM in the room!" said the Witch sarcastically.

"So what's her dealio anyway?" Gus asked Dorothy, purposely ignoring the Witch, just to piss her off further.

"What the HELL is going on here!" screamed the green Witch, "I've never seen him in your party before. YOU!! Where did you come from!?" She jumped over the balcony. Two flying monkeys caught her as if it were planned and lowered her down. She ended up landing right in front of them.

"Well!? Who ARE you!!? Where did you come from?" she screamed.

"Geez! Say it, don't spray it, will'ya? Geez! My name's Gus. I came through a portal....in the woods..." he stammered.

The witch looked skeptical. "A portal!? What are you talking about? There are no portals in Oz!"

"Let me go back and I'm sure that'll be true once again."

The witch grabbed him by the hair and bent his head back until he was looking directly into her eyes and otherwise green and extraordinarily ugly face. Her nails dug into his scalp.

"Oww! Geez lady, you ever hear of a manicure?" Gus cried and wrested free.

But the witch had her answer. "It's true. You're not from Oz! You're not even from her world, the world across the Deadly Desert! You come from a world....with magic. Real magic!" A hungry look came into her eyes. "Show me where it is!"

Now Gus didn't have to be a genius to know this would be a very bad idea. So he declined.

"It's about a half hour flight from here. But I have no idea where now thanks to Chuckles and Mr. Jinkies, the wonder monkeys over there." Gus jabbed a finger in their general direction. "Besides, I thought you were a witch! Why not be content with your own magic?"

"Oz's magic is like an old clock. It's tired and run down and soon it will be depleted altogether. You're world's magic is fresh and green and much more powerful. I'd much rather conquer that and live there!"

"Anything to get you out of our hair," griped Dorothy.

"I heard that missy! Don't think I've forgotten about you. You're still wearing my property and I want them back!"

"Uhh, we just tried that! They're protected by this "worn out" magic you seem to hate. It's strong enough to keep these away from you!" Dorothy bragged.

"I'm getting around to that! Make no mistake, I'll be taking them off your corpse, soon enough!"

"What the hell are you two talking about?" asked Gus.

"The Ruby Slippers!" they both screamed and Dorothy stuck out her feet to show him. The red pumps she was wearing turned out to be flashy and sequined.

"Shoes!? This whole mess is over shoes!? Oh my God! What is it with girls and G-D shoes anyway!?"

"Dude...totally!" said the Tin Man.

"Don't get me started!" said the Scarecrow.

"I don't wear shoes. I'm naked," said the Lion with a bit of TMI.*

"SIIIIIIILENNNNNNCE!" screamed the Witch. "I'll deal with you in a minute, dearie! You'll lead me to that portal or I'll scoop out your eyeballs and wear them for earrings!"

It was about that moment that Gus decided he really didn't much care for the Witch.

"As for the four of you! Your end has come! Four to go! Let's watch the first three go before her!" She raised her broomstick and lit the end on fire from a torch. "How about a little fire, Scarecrow!?" she cackled.

She lit his arm on fire and everything went a little nuts.

The lot of them started screaming and the Scarecrow hopped around and shook his arm. Of course, this only spread the fire. The Witch cackled like she was insane.

"Lady, I have had enough of you!" Gus yelled. He was being pressed back into the wall. He looked around frantically and saw niches cut into the wall regularly. Each niche had a bucket of water to take care of those torchlights, he guessed. He grabbed the nearest bucket and threw it on the Scarecrow's arm. Some of the water hit the Witch.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed the witch in pain, "Not water! Nooooo!"

"Oh really!?" yelled Gus, "Well, take this!" and he sloshed some more on her.

"NOOOO! OH, I'M MELTING!!! MELTING!!! OHHHHH!...."

And slowly and disgustingly, she did. Of course, she had to scream and bitch about it the whole time, until at last her voice gave out and she was nothing more than a gross green puddle on the floor and a hat.

The flying monkeys cheered. "We're free! We're free! Hurray! At last! Can we do anything for you!" they asked.

"Yes. Fly me back to where you found me. And here..." Gus shoved the bucket at Dorothy. He could hear the guards' footsteps "clump! Clump! Clump!...ing closer and closer. "Looks like this was your dog and pony show anyway! Just tell them you did it! I'm sure things will turn out OK!"

"WHAT!!? You're pinning this on me? I don't think so! Get back here!" yelled Dorothy.

"Look, she was a wicked witch! If the monkeys' reaction is any indication, I'm sure they'll be glad! Chuckles! Mr. Jinkies! Let's go!"

"You got it, Savior!" the monkeys said, grabbing his arms and taking off. "But just for the record...I'm George."

"And I'm Harry," said the other one.

"Oh. Sorry."

"Oh no, you don't! Lion, get him!" yelled Dorothy.

Of course, the Lion decided to choose that moment to grow a pair of minerals and jumped at him. He missed Gus' rising feet by inches.

Gus watched from above as guards flooded the Main Hall and surrounded the party of four and the crime scene. Fortunately, nobody looked up and next moment Gus was out the window.

And a few moments after that, he heard from the castle growing fainter and fainter: Hail to Dorothy! The wicked witch is dead! Hail to Dorothy...

"Rats!" thought Gus, "It really was OK! Those are MY kudos! Ahhh well! She kinda looked like she had been through hell and back! I guess she deserves it!"

And anyway, there was nothing for it since he was flying farther and farther away and closer and closer to the door home somewhere in the dark, creepy, blackened forest.

Half an hour later...

"There!"
Gus spied the brush with a circle around it and the monkeys dropped him off.

"Thanks fellas! I really appreciate it!" Gus was a little alarmed when both monkeys teared up a little.

"What's the matter?" he asked in distress.

(Sniff! Sniff!) Nobody's ever thanked me before!" said Harry.

"Me neither!" said George.

"That's terrible! Well, at least you won't have to worry about that anymore. You're free!"

"I guess. So...Is there anything else we can do for you?" asked George deferentially.

"No...maybe wait till I go back! I don't like the thought of being in this dark forest alone if this doesn't work. Otherwise, you're free. Go wherever you want and enjoy yourselves! Good luck!"

Gus positioned himself at his signal and stepped backwards a few steps, holding his hand out to seek the portal. At last his questing fingers found a squishy surface.

BLOOP!

*TMI = Too Much Information

@@@@@@

A piece of deadwood fell off a tree and hit the ground. Otherwise, all was quiet. And since there was no-one around to hear it fall, did even that branch make a sound? Then....

The air rippled violently and...BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP! One after the other, the three men were thrown out of the portal back into their own world and Wild Western Wood. Randal landed on his butt. Brian landed on Randal. Gus landed on Brian. For a minute or two there was such tangle of arms and legs, nobody could tell which way was up. There was a terrific struggle but at last they all were able to roll off each other.

Finally: "What happened to you?" they all cried.

"Trust me...you don't want to know!" they all yelled in unison.

Then Randal's eyes widened. "Oh shit! Take cover! It's going to blow!" Come on!" He grabbed Gus by the hand and headed away from the portal and hid them behind some trees. Brian wisely followed.

The portal was still rippling and pulsating with a sick kind of slow expanding and receding, expanding and receding. The huge trap that was like a sixty-foot wall was visible now and a disgusting pea soup green. It stretched outward extra long, then pulled back along the edges. It was like a giant was trying to blow a bubble with a piece of disgusting bubble gum and failing miserably. The edges pulled back even more, the middle expanded and there was a huge green ball floating there, pulsating gently. With each pulse, it expanded outward a little more, grew a little bigger.

Randal risked a look. "Shit! Any minute now!"

Pulse...Pulse....Pulse......BLAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

The green ball exploded sending green goo in all directions. A shockwave of magic flew out in every direction and bent all the branches, all the underbrush almost flat as it rushed through the forest. Randal was careful not to let the others touch it...you know....just in case.

The goo was toxic and dissolved holes in trees, branches and killed any bird or animal it was unfortunate to touch.

After the portal exploded they came out of hiding. They gasped. An entirely new section of forest was opened to them, like a wall had been smashed down. The trail led down a hill and opened up into a meadow lush with flowers and berry bushes. It also became apparent that a large buck deer had been grazing on the other side of the portal. With the explosion, he had been hit square in the head with goo and had died instantly and painlessly.

The three men rejoiced at their good fortune and dragged the deer home. Randal was also able to show them the spoils he had taken from his adventure and explained why he had taken them. Gus was overwhelmed and touched.

"Randal...I mean...we never discussed this but...did you really....do you really...want to marry me?"

"Ever since you slept with me that first night...slept and did not insist or force anything else to happen...it was then that I wanted to go with you...follow you...be with you...wherever you wanted to go in the world. Yes Gus. I want to marry you. Will you marry me?"

"Yes! Oh God, yes! I love you, Randal!" Gus kissed him passionately with a deep dip.

"I love you too. I'm glad we were both able to get back to each other." Randal kissed him right back.

"Congrats! Now will you two help me drag this dear of a deer back to the village before we hit a magic land mine or run into an ogre or something! I have my own twink I'd like to get back to! Brian said irascibly.

TBC

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