Title: Yearning of the Heart…
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 2223
Warnings: Love, Passion, Romance, Angst…
Beta Queen: BigJ52

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

Summary: I know, another Justin leaves Ian, and goes back to Brian fic… Somehow it just never gets old for me…

Yearning of the Heart


Justin’s POV

I can still hear my instructor’s words, ‘It has to hurt, otherwise it’s just wanting.’

Sure I wanted him. I chased him, stalked him, threw myself at him, and then I got him. But by that time, I didn’t realize, or I somehow forgot how badly I needed him. I got caught up in a storm of my emotions, and I was washed away by pretty lies and empty promises. I didn’t follow my heart, I followed my mind. Everyone kept telling me that Brian didn’t love me, that he never would. That I was a fool to think he’d change for me. But what they didn’t know, and I somehow forgot, is that he had changed. He did love me…

Earlier that evening…

I hear the shower running, as I lie there in bed alone. I wonder why I couldn’t see this before; with Ethan there’s no emotional connection. He wants it, but it’s always about him, his needs, and his pleasure. He wants to get off, and hopefully you come along for the ride. But if not, oh well… He’s never been concerned about my needs or if I achieved fruition. He practically jumps out of bed, and rushes to the shower like he can’t wait to get my smell, sweat and cum off him.

I need that connection, to lie next to the man I love as our breathing steadies out. Brian always said he didn’t cuddle, and he didn’t with his tricks. But I was never a trick, and he loved to cuddle with me, but Lord forbid I actually call it that. And he couldn’t have been more right when he said, ‘And after you cum, you like to fall asleep with it still inside you.’

I miss him, I love him, and right now at this very moment I yearn for him and his touch. I need him desperately, my heart aches for him and I’m feeling like such a fool. I’m brought out of my wallowing as I hear the water from the shower turn off. I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I don’t want Ethan to see the longing in my eyes, knowing it’s Brian I want.

I don’t want to fight tonight. I’m exhausted, even though it’s only ten thirty at night. But Ethan always goes to bed early, and of course he’s up at the crack of dawn. I wake every morning to the screech of his violin, even though I’m still asleep. Even though I’ve asked him not to play until after I get up, he simply doesn’t care that I’m not a morning person.

But when he climbs between the sheets all fury breaks loose. I can smell the soap he used, the soap I bought for myself, the kind Brian uses. Jo Malone Wood Sage and Sea Salt.

“I can’t believe that you went through my things and opened my bag from Nordstrom’s!”

“Justin, I think it’s sweet that you bought me such an extravagant present. But how can you afford something so expensive? What did it cost, $100.00? We don’t have money to waste on such luxuries! Try and remember, you’re not living with Brian anymore!”

I glare at him. “The gift set was $140.00, and it wasn’t for you! It was my money, and I’ll buy whatever I want!”

I’m already up and out of bed, so furious at him on so many levels. But most of all because I feel like I’ve been caught, like Ethan’s invaded my privacy. I bought the gift set of cologne and soap for myself, as a way to feel close to Brian, even if it’s only because I smell like him. I planned to use the soap in the shower, jacking off, wishing I was with Brian. I’ve been missing him so much.






That was all it took for me to decide that I’d had enough. I know I should have left him when I caught him fucking around on me. But he begged and pleaded with me, promising me that it wouldn’t happen again. That he loved me, and he needed me. What a crock of shit! Because if that was true, and he cared about me, my feelings, and my needs, he wouldn’t have cheated on me. He’s a self-centered, arrogant asshole! It’s funny because everyone says that’s just what Brian is, but that’s not true.

Brian’s always cared about me, taken care of me. Always, always made sure I was sexually fulfilled, and then some. Yes, he loved me. He may not have said it, but all his actions were screaming it. But I was deceived by Ethan’s declarations of love and fidelity, not realizing I was drowning in an ocean of deception. I bought into the Hallmark version of what love should be, while ignoring my personal ad man’s special brand of marketing.

I storm around Ethan’s rat-infested apartment throwing my things into my duffel bag. It only takes me a few minutes and then I’m out the door, free and thankful that it’s over. I wander the streets wondering where I should go, wondering how I let myself get so far off track. The only thing I know is that I’m still in love with Brian. I’ve always been in love with Brian, and I can’t help wondering if he still loves me.

~~~

Brian’s POV

It’s late so I stop off at Woody’s for last call, knowing the boys will already be at Babylon by now. Good, I don’t want to see them anyways. I haven’t been going out partying with them for weeks. I’ve been pouring myself into my work, determined to end this perpetual cycle of self-destruction. Until tonight that is… I sit at the bar, still dressed in my designer suit drinking boilermakers. Oh, what the hell. Who needs the beer? I flag down Marty, the bartender and he pours me a row of shots. I down them quickly, one right after the other.

The bourbon hits me just as I try getting my key in the lock. I finally succeed after several tries. I stumble into the loft thankful that the light over the island is on, but I’m sure I turned it off. I set down the bottle of Jack Daniels I convinced Marty to sell me before he closed the bar. Then I turn and trip over Justin’s duffel bag pissing me off, and thrilling me all at once.

I stand at the bottom of the stairs. He’s sleeping all curled up in the sheets, hugging my pillow. It’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. I don’t know what it means, but for now he’s home, here in my bed and that’s all that matters. Now I just need to find a way to show him, I mean, tell him how I feel. Because I now know he needs to hear the words.






I lie awake watching him sleep, not wanting to miss a thing, afraid that he might not be here when I wake. I can’t help pulling him into my arms and spooning him from behind; it feels so natural and he fits perfectly. While he was gone I couldn’t sleep. I often laid here, hugging his pillow just like he’s now holding mine. I actually keep it in a huge zip-lock bag during the day, so it won’t lose the last essences of him.

Exhaustion finally claims me just before the sun rises, and I’m out to the world. It’s the first night that I’ve actually slept in months. When I wake my heart plunges, as I feel the cool sheets next to me and I know he’s gone. All the time he’s been gone I’ve remained stoic, keeping my mask firmly in place, never letting my pain show. But as I lie here with the sun shining in my eyes, I can feel the tears running down my face. I wonder if it was an apparition. Was my mind playing tricks on me?

I need coffee, lots of strong coffee, but of course I forgot to buy some yesterday. He was the one who always kept the kitchen stocked, because he was the only one who ever cooked. God, I’ve missed his cooking. I’ve lost ten pounds since he’s been gone. That would normally be a good thing, but right now it just makes me feel even hollower inside.

The phone rings and I jump up to get it, hoping it’s him. No such luck. It’s Mikey wanting to know why I’m not at the diner having breakfast. I snap at him, “Stop trying to control my every move!”

I know it was uncalled for, but I was just so disappointed it wasn’t Justin. I somehow hoped he’d call, maybe explain about last night, if nothing else. I drag myself out of bed and take a shower, the warm water cascading down my body feels good. My mind drifts back in time to the two of us, and I know there’s tears mixed in with the water drops running down my face.

The towel is still wrapped around my waist when I hear Michael pounding at the door. I’m surprised he didn’t just use his key, like he always does. I pull the door back and yell, “What!”

But it’s not Mikey. I just stare at him, sizing him up, thinking about choking him to death. God, I hate this slimy asshole.

“He’s not here!”

“Right! Like you’d actually tell me if he was.”

“What do you want?”

“I need to find him. I need to explain…”

“Why in the fuck would you think he’d he here?”

“I’m not a fool. I know he still loves you!”

So there’s trouble in paradise. “I doubt that!”

So the little twat still loves me… hmmm, good to know.

“I need to find him.”

“You said that already.”

Ethan stands in the doorway looking around the loft, amazed by the huge space, designer furniture and most of all a dripping wet Brian. The man is a total Adonis. Sure he knew he was good looking before, but he never saw him in all his glory and it’s affecting his lower region like no one ever has before. It makes him wonder why Justin ever chose him over Brian, but he knows the answer. He’s always known the answer. Justin wanted to make Brian jealous, hoping he’d come after him.

“Why are you still here?”

“I told you, I need to find him. Do you know where he might have gone?”

I just glare at him, still mystified, wondering what this asshole has that I don’t.

“He’s not my ward anymore. He doesn’t check in with me.”

“Would you please have him call me, if he should show up?”

“What makes you think he’d show up here?”

“I told you, he still loves you. You’re all he ever thinks about, all he dreams of. I can’t compete with a ghost who still haunts his every waking moment.”

“Then why not let him go?”

“Because unlike you, I’m willing to fight for him.”

Pissed, Brian snarks, “Unlike you, I let him go because his happiness is more important than my needs.”

“From what I understand, you have no problem getting your needs fulfilled!”

Fuming, I bark. “I’m not talking about sex! I’m talking about love!”

A stunned Justin reaches the top of the stairs, overhearing Brian and Ethan arguing. “Brian?”

“Well, looks who’s here? Little boy lost!”

Justin pushes past Ethan, setting the bag of groceries down on the counter. No one says anything, they just stare at one another as Justin starts to make coffee.

“I thought you said he wasn’t here!”

“Obviously, he wasn’t!”

“Get dressed! You’ll ruin the hardwood floors dripping water all over them!”

“And you, leave! Leave me the fuck alone! I never want to see you again!”

But they’re both just standing there, holding their ground. Frustrated, Justin walks towards Ethan and with the palm of his hand, he pushes Ethan back out into the hallway, pulling the heavy door shut.

Ignoring the obvious question that’s hanging in the air, he simply starts unpacking the groceries.

“There was nothing to eat here, so I ran out to the store.”

Brian’s still just standing there, unsure what to do…

Justin opens the guava juice pouring Brian a glass. The coffee finishes percolating so he pours two cups, adding a pound of sugar to Brian’s.

“I thought I’d make you an egg-white omelet with spinach and feta cheese, just the way you like it.”

“Is what he said true? Do you still love me?”

“Is what you said true? Did you let me go because my happiness was more important than yours?”

“So… You heard that?”

“Was it a lie?”

“No. You know I never lie.”

“Do you want me here?”

“I’ve always wanted you here.”

“Why didn’t you wake me last night?”

“You looked so beautiful. So peaceful lying there. I didn’t want to ruin it, or take the chance that you’d leave.”

“Then you woke up, and I was gone.”

“Yeah.”

“And you didn’t think I was coming back?”

“Yeah.”

“My duffel bag’s still here.”

“Oh?”

“Should I unpack?”

Brian’s towel falls to the floor. “Not now. Later.”

Justin’s eyebrows arch questioning, “Is that for me?”

“Welcome home, Sunshine…”

The End…