Reveling in the solace and the warm breeze Brian puffed on his cigarette as perfect rings of smoke floated through the air in front of him as he stood on the roof of his penthouse watching the twinkling lights that made New York City come alive at night. The saddest part was that he hadn’t come up here for the view, or even the bad habit of smoking but to get away from Andrew’s incessant questioning. Not for the first time he asked himself why had he shacked up with the model in the first place. Sure, the sex was more than great, he had even once upon a time felt something close to love for him hadn’t he? When did that change, but the real question was; had it ever been love at all or a mere infatuation? Nothing had really changed with them, though Andrew could sometimes overreact and become jealous he never did so without appropriate reasoning. He knew he should have contacted him back (if anything to prevent him from nagging him now) but the truth was that he hadn’t wanted to, he felt free and almost alive again at having the penthouse to himself. Was that truly so bad?

Brian Kinney shook his head. No, he didn’t think so, it was perfectly natural to want to be alone, but why hadn’t he even bothered calling back? And it wasn’t like he hadn’t truly been busy. He had signed two big new contracts; Apple and Alexion Pharmaceuticals, and a few minor ones with his advertising agency. He had inherited his father’s mediocre vanilla-styled company and turned it around into a sought upon advertising agency by the time he was 27, if the bastard were alive today he doubted he would even be proud. No, he would more likely claim his deviant ways would bring down the company name one way or another. It wasn’t even like the company was his only main source of income, he was a serial entrepreneur after all, who had invested his money wisely in many rising companies, and sometimes in ventures that at the time seemed more than a little risky but that ultimately had all paid off, and to this day he hadn’t regretted a single one of his business decisions. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself from picturing his malevolent father telling him how he would never be enough and would sink his “precious” company to the ground. At times, (and in most of them he didn’t even feel guilty) he was glad that the old fuck had gotten lung cancer and croaked.

“Old bastard,” he muttered to the air but it didn’t fall on deaf ears.

“Thinking about your dad again?”

Brian started, he hadn’t even heard the door open. He nodded and put his cigarette out.

“Brian I’m sorry for overreacting. I know I was acting like a total housewife; I was just so upset to find you with that kid.” Then he paused before adding, “He was lovely though wasn’t he?”

Brian shrugged, not sure where Andrew was going with this. “I’ve had much better,” he lied.

The kid had been absolutely exquisite, if Andrew hadn’t showed up he was more than sure he would have been fucking him still.

“So how many times have you called the escort agency since I been gone?” he asked snaking one hand around his neck and the other around his waist from the back.

“I don’t know, about once to three times a week. Like I said, I was busy. I didn’t have time to go out cruising.”

“So you missed me?”

“Why do you want to hear me say it?”

“I don’t know Brian but is a little verbal declaration too much to ask for?”

“Oh alright. I guessed I missed you, but just a little bit.”

“You asshole,” he said but still he grinned into his neck. And it was true, a part of Brian had missed him, especially when the nights were cold and he felt more alone than he had ever felt in a long time. “Brian?”

“Mhm?”

“Are you going to Michael’s anniversary?” He instantly stiffened, he did not want to think of that, he would not think about that. “Hey, hey, come back to me Brian. I’m sorry! I won’t mention it again. When you’re ready.”

Andrew stroked his hair back in a calming manner and it felt really good. But not good enough to be able to push back the thoughts of Mikey. He had finally been happy, he had his comic book store, the love of the man he loved, and his daughter when it all went to shit because of that damn bombing. Those homophobic pricks, where did they get off thinking that they had the right to choose who lives or dies?

“Brian, please calm down, calm down. You need to relax. I’m here. There’s nothing that can be done Brian. Please try to relax,” Andrew kept repeating the words over and over trying to anchor him back to the present and away from the anger. After almost one year he was still stuck in the anger stage and he just couldn’t move past it. He didn’t want to move past it, because he didn’t want him to just be a memory that faded away with time.

“I need to lay down,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Of course,” said Andrew attempting to guide him but Brian shook him off.

“I’m not a fucking invalid, I can take myself to my own damn bed.”

“Ok. I was just trying to help.”

Abruptly Brian spanned around and now that Andrew had let go of him his anger flared and burned a vivid red. “And don’t you ever fucking mention Mikey again. You got that! You don’t deserve to even have his name on the tip of your fucking tongue!” Then he stormed off, nostrils flaring, leaving the bewildered Andrew a top of the roof.

>>> 

Brian awoke early that Saturday morning to find Andrew’s side of the bed empty, he rubbed his eyes and sighed. If it were him, he wouldn’t have come to bed either. He had acted like a complete shit towards him, but he also wasn’t about to go apologizing. Why had he thought it was a good idea to mention Mikey anyways-No Kinney don’t think about it. He told himself.

The sound of faucets being turned on in the room across from his provided him with the perfect distraction, however. It was coming from the spare room Andrew normally used after one of their countless fights. So Brian got up and went towards the awaiting shower sex, he wouldn’t apologize but he would give him a mind-blowingly-good makeup sex.

He opened the glass door to the shower and stepped in, and Andrew, who was far too used to his water “conservation” didn’t even react instead he said, “Morning Brian.”

He said it in a voice that told Brian he was still upset at his outburst but wasn’t above getting his brains fucked out in the shower. See that was definitely a plus to being with someone for almost three years, knowing when he had gone a little too far, but fortunately for Brian’s dick last night wasn’t one of those times.

Brian didn’t say anything instead he got under the jets of the shower heads and placed his head in the crook where neck meets shoulder and licked along Andrew’s long and wet neck. Andrew shivered just like Brian knew he would and he couldn’t help but smirk into his neck. He ran his hand down the lean and muscled stomach as he encircled the long and uncircumcised dick with the other hand stroking it as he bit down hard, but not hard enough to cause discomfort on Andrew’s shoulder. That was all it took to have the rugged man melt into him and moaning softly, it’s echo vibrating through the enclosed shower.

“You’re an asshole you know that,” he mumbled letting his head fall back onto Brian’s shoulder.

Brian grinned and pushed him against the glass wall while grabbing a condom from the soap nook at the same time. He tore off the wrapper and biting along his lover’s back made little whimpers escape from his lips as Brian slipped it on the condom. He prepped him in record time, biting, kissing, and licking along his neck and earlobe loving the moans and gasps that he elicited with ease, Andrew’s body was like a well-tuned machine that he knew how to expertly work. Gripping his hip with his left hand he spread his asscheeks and positioned his cock where the tip was rubbing on the puckered hole with his right. Without any other warning (not that there was one needed) he pushed his cock inside the delicious hole, biting down on his lip as his power bottom opened up for him and then closed around him once he was buried deep inside.

He had only met and had the privilege of fucking only a handful of men who could do this. In fact, ever since he had met Andrew at his favorite VIP club, Libertine, he hadn’t met another who could do it quite so well, well that was only until yesterday.

With one hand still gripping his hip and the other pressed against the glass he would slip almost all the way out and then thrust all the way in, in a fast and aggressive rhythm, and yet not nearly forceful enough for Brian. “Of fuck, Brian. Yes, just like that,” Andrew moaned pressing both hands against the glass and pushing back as hard as he got, contracting and relaxing his muscles around Brian’s throbbing cock.

“That feels so good,” Brian growled into his ear as he bit down on his earlobe, more than aware it was something that drove the man crazy. Brian felt the increase need to fuck him as hard as he possibly could but this shower lacked the handles he had installed in his own bathroom specifically for these moments, therefore, he restrained and chose to finish than to have to call an ambulance once he had fucked him right through the glass. Yet, it was a good pace, he would have almost called it something close to making love, if he had actually known what making love felt like.

They fucked until the water was a lukewarm temperature and when he felt Andrew’s muscles contract, almost like milking his dick he let himself go and they came almost as one. Breathing loudly and still inside of him Brian rested his head on his shoulder as Andrew ran his hand in a slow and loving fashion through his hair. If Brian were capable of loving someone for longer than his infatuation lasted, he thought he would have loved Andrew. But at las, it never did. His feelings of “love” were a fickle thing.

“I love you Brian,” he whispered kissing the top of his head. And like always Brian never said it back. How could he? When he had never felt it, even at his highest infatuation point with this self-assured and handsome man, it had only been a fleeting (if at all there) feeling.  Brian pulled out and tied the condom switching the soap in nook for the condom as he began to soap his lover’s body.

“Are you still coming to Emmett’s birthday party?”

Brian groaned. “I said I would didn’t I?”

“Just checking, because I don’t want to show up alone to one of your friend’s parties again.”

He rolled his eyes. “That was only once and like I said then, it was a work emergency.”

“Is that who I found you fucking when I came home? Work?”

Brian spanked his tight and muscled ass and grinned. “I finished early and just happened to come across that little treat.”

It was Andrew’s turn to roll his eyes as he turned around to face Brian. “Uh huh.”

“You know it was shamefully petty of you to get that poor little doorman fired.”

He rolled his eyes again. “His job was to watch the door not fuck the residents of the building.”

Brian shrugged, he could have really cared less, in all honesty the kid had been below par. “Did I mention that jealousy does not become you.”

Andrew swatted his upper arm and pulled the soap out of his hand and returned the favor by turning a chuckling Brian around and washing his back.

>>>> 

The Party

As was custom Brian and Andrew had arrived just at the designated time, not a minute more, and not a minute less. Brian had spent the hours before the party answering emails and sending back texts, never more than four words in length, just like he did every day. Concise and clear messages that were to the point were key ingredients in the entrepreneur’s life. Sometimes it all felt very monotonous. The money, the interviews, the investments that were at times risky ventures, and the extravagant life could sometimes be exciting but it had been a very long time since he had done something out of schedule and without other thoughts coursing through his head. Again that had been until he had come home early from work the day before and had found the unplanned and completely welcome visit from that gorgeous blond hustler. That short encounter had made Brian more aware than he cared to admit just how regulated his life had become.

“You made it!” shrieked the birthday boy (more like birthday man) as he bounced up to the pair looking positively gleeful. Emmett Honeycutt’s attire suited him to the T (if Brian were to ever voice that thought), and the light but delicate and surely expensive makeup did bring out the blue with hints of green in those lovely eyes.

“I said I’d come.”

“It’s been too long since we’ve all seen you,” he said ignoring Brian’s last comment.

“We?”

“Oh yeah, the whole gang is here just for little old me,” he said fanning himself.

Indeed, as Brian looked around the room he saw many familiar faces, there was Ted (though as his personal accountant and director of accounting of his advertising agency he saw him practically every day) and his blond and much younger boy toy. Brian was still on the fence with that one, he hadn’t forgiven him as easily as Ted had for being the reason of his overdose and six-day comma, since the decision to pull the plug so to speak had fallen onto him. It had been years ago, but forgiveness wasn’t something that came easily to him. Lindsay and her bulldog of a partner Melanie (even though they might not always be in agreeance especially when it came to their son Gus, they had a mutual respect when it came to business and many at times he had called for her council when he needed an outsiders’ law expertise), Jenny Rebecca, and their son Gus, whom at that very moment came running at him full pelt. Brian bent over and embraced his eager son. It had been much too long since he had last seen him (it seemed that the 8-year-old had grown about a foot since he had last seen him), but considering that their parents had impulsively moved to Canada aka the Great North after the bombing at one of the night clubs he owned he barely ever got to see him.

“Hey there sonny boy, I barely even recognized you,” he said looking into the hazel eyes that were very much like his own (he would bet his left ball that Melanie hated that little fact).

“It’s me, daddy. It’s still just Gus.”

“I know; you’ve just grown so much.”

“Mommy say’s I’ll be as tall as you when I’m all grown up!”

“I bet you will, and just as handsome too,” said Andrew smiling warmly at Gus.

Gus beamed back all a titter with what he probably thought was the highest praise and as the polite little boy that he is said, “Thank you uncle Andrew.”

“Anytime.”

The three of them made their way over to Lindsay and Melanie but were thwarted by (Brian groaned) Debbie Novotny and her husband Carl Horvath.

“Hey there sweetie, you are getting so tall, in no time you’ll be just as tall as your dad here,” she said squeezing Gus’s cheek. Gus giggled but tried to get away from her squeezing hand.

“Hi Debbie,” Brian greeted unable to make direct eye-contact, though for the first time in his life he was glad Michael had never looked much like her.

“Hey! How are my two boys doing-sorry men.”

“We’re doing pretty good Debbie, how about you and Carl?” Andrew answered saving Brian from having to answer himself.  

“Oh you know as good as one can hope for,” answered Carl aware that his wife was busy seeming to x-ray Brian who was clearly trying to avoid looking directly at her.

Then to Brian’s horror he saw Ben Bruckner making his way over to the group and he panicked. He was someone he had tried to avoid at all cost, just the sight of him with someone else that wasn’t Michael draped around his arm was enough to inundate Brian with memories of that horrific night. In his mind’s eye he saw Michael laying there limp and bloody, remembering how only moments before they had been laughing at some ludicrous thing Emmett had said and then boom-the instant rush of denial came blocking the images and causing the anger to rise. Thankfully, however, before Ben had reached them and Brian made a scene he would regret later, Andrew said, “Can you excuse us please,” and practically dragged him away and over to the open bar.

“Brian are you okay?”

His breathing was coming out in sharp breaths as he tried to calm himself. It was neither the time or place to lose control of himself.

“You want to go, we should go. Just go wait for me at the car. I’ll be right there.”

Brian wasn’t even aware that he was nodding or that his feet were moving towards the direction of the exit until he found himself on the street outside Emmett and Drew’s townhouse next to his corvette. He pressed his hands against the hood of the car, trying to stabilize his shaking body, not even feeling the night’s warm breeze. When he had finally calmed down enough for rational thought Andrew was making his way over to him and thankfully he was alone. With his hands still slightly shaking he opened the driver’s side of the car, but before he could climb inside Andrew stopped him.

“Maybe I should drive, okay?”

Brian acquiesce more than anything because he didn’t want to be standing outside and risk the rest of the party migrating outside wondering what was wrong with the great and ultimately in control Brian Kinney. So sitting in the passenger seat he took out his Apple 6 plus and answered a few more emails, noticing how Andrew glanced over at him every so often as if he were about to grow a second head or go completely ballistic. At that moment he hated him for it but couldn’t exactly blame him either.

It was a long while and they were almost at the penthouse before Andrew said in a low voice, “Brian, you think that maybe you should talk to someone about it?”

When Brian didn’t answer he went on, in a stronger voice this time, “I mean, it might help you with the grieving process, and learn to move on.” Brian still said nothing, instead he looked through his texts though he wasn’t taking anything he read in. “You can’t go on like this Brian. It isn’t healthy. You know the friend I’ve mentioned who specializes in the grieving process, he helped Matt, you remember Matt? Anyways when he lost his partner, he went to-“

“Shut the fuck up Andrew,” he growled not even bothering to look at him.

“Brian, please don’t do this. I’m just trying to help.”

“Well I didn’t ask you for your goddamn help, so keep it to your fucking self and shut up!”

Andrew looked like he was about to say something but decided against it as he pulled into the garage of their building. He knew Andrew was right, he probably did need help, at least the rational side of him thought he did.

In silence they walked up to the elevator and rode up to the top floor of building one57. However, as the elevator’s ding told them they had reached their floor and the doors opened he didn’t get out instead he waited for Andrew to step out of the elevator before he pressed the button back to the garage. And before he had noticed what was going on the elevator doors were closing again, all he managed to say was, “What the fuck Brian,” before the doors closed and the elevator descended.

The last thing he needed at the moment was Andrew’s pitying looks or his random mentions of one of his pathetic friends benefitting from the help of this “incredible” and ever present psychiatrist in every single fucking conversation they’ve had of late. Add that to one of the reasons why he hadn’t wanted to call him back in the two weeks he was gone. It had been a breath of fresh air to not have to hear how fucked up he was and how much he needed help to get “better.” Well Andrew and the rest of them could go right to fucking hell. And more importantly he was jouncing to do something stupid and out of character, something completely spontaneous.