What to have, what to hold
A poor man's roses
Or a rich man's gold 

One's as wealthy as a king in a palace
Tho' he's callous and cold
He may learn to give his heart for love
Instead of buyin' it with gold 
Then the poor man's roses
And the thrill when we kiss
Will be memories of paradise
That I'll never miss ~ Patsy Cline

*****

Sunday, February 27, 2005

"Top floor." Justin pushed the buzzer to allow his mother up to the loft. He began to pace in front of the door, wondering why she was dropping by. It was still hours before the time they'd agreed upon to have dinner. Then again, he didn't know if they were still having dinner because Molly hadn't called him yesterday and he hadn't wanted to call his mother again, too worried that she would call it off.

Justin wished that Brian was home, but he had just left to take Gus back to Lindsay's house. Seeing his mother for the first time would be much easier if Brian were there with him, he found strength from Brian, even if he knew he shouldn't rely on the man, he did. He could hear the elevator rising and glanced at his clothing, happy that he looked presentable in his new jeans and sweater, much better than what he looked like the last time his mother had seen him.

He opened the door and stood in the threshold, nervously biting his lips as he saw the elevator stop. "Mom," he said softly, once she lifted the gate. They stared at one another for a minute before Justin gestured to her. "Come inside."

Jennifer nervously walked past Justin, sad that her son hadn't made a move to hug her. She knew he was angry with her and didn't blame him. As she stepped into his home, she glanced around and was in awe. "Wow." She smiled at him, taking his hand. "This place is beautiful."

"Thank you. Do you want me to give you a tour?" he asked.

Jennifer shook her head. "I need to talk to you."

Justin felt himself clamming up. "Oh. Okay." He led her over to the sofa and took a seat in the chair opposite it. "We could've talked tonight, that is... if you're still coming. I wasn't sure after Molly didn't call yesterday."

"I'm sorry, she spent the day with your dad and when I told him that I'd seen you and spoken to you, he said..."

"What?"

"Your dad and I didn't want you to talk to Molly before I talked to you again."

"Why?" Justin asked, his voice cracking. "What's going on? You were perfectly fine with me..."

"I was so caught up in talking to you on Friday that it didn't occur to me that there are things we really need to talk about without her in the room."

"So that's why you're here?"

"Yes."

Justin waited, his insides twisting with panic, terrified that his mother wasn't going to want him to be around his sister. If that were the case, then he certainly wasn't going to have her in his life either. He had just taken the items out of the fridge to prepare the sauce for the roast he was going to serve for dinner and decided to wait to start the preparations until after the phone call. He'd already defrosted the meat, so he had to cook it tonight, but he wasn't going to make the special sauce from his mother's recipe if she wasn't going to be there to eat it. It felt wrong to cook some happy meal that reminded him of growing up and eating it at her table if she wasn't going to be there.

"Gosh, I don't even know where to start," Jennifer said, twisting her hands nervously.

"Start by telling me why you don't want me around my sister." Justin froze as the possible answer came to him. Was there a possibility that his mother had somehow found out about him hustling? Sure, it was probably something she worried about, considered he'd have to do to survive, but she would never know for sure. But what if she did? Who could have told her? Maybe she'd done a background check on him and found out that the escort service employed him? No, even then, she wouldn't know that he fucked men for money. The service offered legal escorts to men and women for events and holidays, that was all she could know about Windy City Escorts if she'd looked on their website. There was no hint to the sleaze that was underneath the glitz.

"Justin," Jennifer said with alarm, "I want you to see Molly. There are things your father and I told her that you need to know before you see her."

"What things?"

"She thinks the reason we haven't had contact with you is because we all got into a big fight and that we cut you out of our lives because of it. Molly believes that you're angry with us and that is why you haven't come home and haven't called. We didn't want her to know the truth, because she wouldn't have understood."

"I still don't understand it," Justin said. "You never really believed in me. You never believed I was telling the truth. Why would you tell Molly that all we had was a fight? How can she believe that I'd just go away with no word because of a stupid fight?"

"I always believed you, Justin. I'm sorry if it didn't seem so. I want you to forgive me for that and I know your dad wants you to forgive him too. We shouldn't have left you in Chicago alone, and I hardly understand what we were thinking. I just... at the time, things were going so wrong with me and your dad and then Molly..."

"What about Molly?" Justin hadn't seen his sister since before his arrest. His parents had told him that she was in Pittsburgh staying with neighbors and they didn't want her to talk to him because she would be too worried.

"Justin, she was sick," Jennifer said, her voice scratchy.

"What do you mean, sick?"

"She's fine now but at first we didn't know she would be."

"What happened?" Justin demanded, walking over to the sofa to sit beside his mother. "Tell me!"

"There was a mole on the inside of her upper arm that started to look funny. With all her freckles, we didn't think anything of it at first but it got bigger and bigger. I took her to the doctor and when he saw it he told us that she needed to have more tests done because it might be cancerous."

Justin felt his throat closing up as tears clouded his eyes. "Was it?"

"Yes, they sent her in for a biopsy the same day that your father met you and the lawyer, do you remember. That's why I didn't come."

"Mom..." Justin wiped at his tears and reached for his mother's hand. "What happened?"

"It was malignant melanoma and it had to be treated," Jennifer said. "They removed the lesion and then she had to have chemotherapy for the next year. A month on, a month off and it took so much out of your dad and I. She recovered well and hasn't had any problems since but during that time..."

"The trial... all the shit with me was happening at the same time," Justin said, breaking down and crying. "I can't believe you guys didn't tell me."

Jennifer put her arm around her son's waist and pulled him against her chest, a huge weight disappearing as she held him in her arms once again. "We didn't want you to worry. The only way we could get through the trial and Molly's cancer was to keep it separate. We didn't want you sitting in that jail cell worrying about her too; you had too much going on. We all did. And by the time the trial ended Molly was doing better but your dad and I weren't. We were crumbling, as I told you before, it had been that way for a few years and it all just started imploding. Neither one of us were thinking straight when we cut you out of our lives. There's no excuse, no apology good enough to make what we did better. We both know that."

"I made the mistake of trusting a man I shouldn't have." Justin separated himself from his mom and scooted back from her. "I shouldn't have been so naïve." 

"But it wasn't your fault, Justin and we didn't do enough to assure you of that. A few months after we left you there, we tried to find you but you didn't have your apartment any longer and your friends..."

"You tried to find me?" Justin asked in shock.

"We did. But there was no trace of you, we were terrified for your safety but we'd hoped that some of your friends helped you. We tried to find out through the court where you might be working or living but they wouldn't tell us anything. They wouldn't even let us pay anything on your fine."

"What?"

"Your dad, he merged the business with Howell Stores and he made a lot of money. He tried to pay off your fine with what he made but the stipulations..."

"I know," Justin said, gulping in deep breaths. "After my birthday that year, I was officially an adult and the fine procured could only be paid by me at that point." When his court appointed lawyer informed him of this, it had been the beginning of him escorting. He had hoped that his parents wanted to find him, he had hoped that they regretted pushing him out of their lives, but he hadn't imagined that it was true. At least, his mother, anyway. He still wasn't sure what to think about his father. Why hadn't he tried to call him or contact him now that he knew where he was?

"I had so many terrible thoughts running through my head every day, thinking about what you would do if you couldn't pay the money in time. But I just kept reminding myself that you had friends there and you've always been a resourceful and strong person so I was sure you'd find a way and I hoped that you'd find your way back to Pittsburgh once you did."

"I did," Justin said, "because of Brian." He wasn't going to tell his mother that she was wrong about him having friends that would take care of him in Chicago. He wasn't going to tell her that the closest person to him in all those years was the man who had taken his virginity so that a John didn't take it.

Jennifer noticed Justin's distant look and asked, "Are you okay?"

Justin nodded. "This is just... I don't know what to say about what you've told me. I don't know how to feel about any of it. I didn't want to come back to Pittsburgh because I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again, and I didn't think I could handle being in this town and one day running into you only to have you ignore me or..."

"That never would've happened. God Justin, I hope you'll forgive me one day. I know that I should've told you about Molly, maybe then you would've understood why we had to focus on her. We thought we'd done all we could for you at the time and we were so angry at the outcome, not at you. But we took it out on you and made you think we didn't believe you. I know we did that and if I could go back I'd do so many things differently."

"I know that," Justin replied, still in shock. It was so hard to believe that his mother and father had tried to find him, had wanted him in their lives the whole time. He could see how much pain his mother was in, she looked devastated and he knew she blamed herself for so much. If he put himself in her shoes, he wasn't sure he would've done things differently. She had one child who had cancer, who needed her attention and love, a marriage that was crumbling and another child who had, purposely or not, ruined his life. The worst thing was, she was so naïve. Justin could tell she honestly believed in his ability to find a way to survive and pay off the fine. She believed his innocence and she believed in his strength. He couldn't ever tell her the truth. He had to forgive her, otherwise they'd never move on from the past. "Mom," he whispered, enveloping her in a hug. "I forgive you."

Jennifer leaned back and held Justin's face in her hands. "How can you?"

"Because you're my mom," Justin said simply. "I don't want to talk about the past anymore. We need to move on."

"Thank you." Jennifer kissed Justin's cheek. "I spent so many nights wondering if you were all right." She gestured around the room. "It looks like you did more than ‘all right', you made a good life for yourself here?"

"Well... not exactly. But yes, Brian is more than ‘all right'. This is his loft; I didn't live in it until after we were married. It's all his design."

Jennifer smiled. "I suppose so. I always pictured your home to be a little more eclectic. How long have you been married?"

"We were married last week, in Chicago."

"Oh my!" Jennifer asked, flustered, "Why aren't you on a honeymoon?"

"Brian owns his own business and he took a lot of time off during the week of the wedding. We'll take one some other time," Justin lied.

"So tell me about my new son in-law."

"Brian is..." The sound of keys in the lock of the door stopped Justin from divulging any information. "Well, I think he's here."

*****

Brian kissed along Justin's neck and murmured. "You realize we're going to have actually order those wedding photos now."

"Just a few to show my mother." Justin pushed Brian away from him. "Why is it that every time you come into the kitchen while I'm cooking, you try to fuck me? Do you have some food kink that I have now discovered? Does watching me cook get you hard? Do you have a crazy need to hear the bang of pots and pans while you're banging my ass?"

Brian laughed softly against Justin's neck. "I have a crazy need for..." He stopped himself before saying the word, ‘you'. But it was there and they both knew it. Brian waited for Justin to react, he took two deep breaths and slid his hands up and down Justin's torso, testing to see if he felt tense. He didn't and all the tension released from his own body, and Brian promised himself that he'd be more careful. "What is that sauce you're making for dinner?" he asked, backing away from Justin's enchanting body.

Justin closed his eyes and told himself that he had gone through enough shock and renewal of hope today. He had to brace himself again. Just because he had a reason to hope that things really were going to be okay with his family, that didn't mean he could hope for more from Brian. One had nothing to do with other. So what if Brian was going to tell him that he had a crazy need for him! They had been talking about sex, just sex. "The sauce is for the roast. I put some in the bottom of the pan and I made up some more to squirt over the top as it cooks."

Brian watched Justin, wondering why, for the last three days, he'd been saying things to Justin that were far too lovey-dovey. He was forced into marrying him, sort of, and yet instead of running away and spending as little time with Justin as he could, he was spending every waking moment with him that he wasn't at work. It wasn't right. He was still a free man, even if technically he wasn't, he could go to Babylon and fuck whoever he wanted, but that knowledge hadn't made him run and do it. Even now, he was horny and wanted to get his cock sucked. He had time to go out and find someone to suck him off before he had to be back for Justin's dinner, but he wasn't going to do that. He was going to stay at the loft with Justin, be with him while he reunited with his sister and wait until they left to satisfy what he needed. He needed to fuck Justin and that need was trumping the need to fuck anonymous mouths and asses. But why? And why was he okay with that?

"My mom really liked you," Justin said, bending over the open oven, turkey baster in hand.

Brian stared at the world's most perfect ass and sighed in relief. Ahh...that was why.

Justin squirted the turkey, closed the oven and smiled at Brian over his shoulder.

Brian smiled back at Justin, and refused to acknowledge the urge to scratch his last statement when he gazed at his husband's smile. It wasn't the light in Justin's dark blue eyes. It wasn't his dimples that appeared on his cheeks, depending on his expression. If it was his mouth at all, it was because it was one damned talented mouth. That was the end of it.

Justin laughed and threw a towel at Brian. "If you come help cut up the cucumber and carrots for the salad we'll have time for you to fuck my face before they get here." Justin went back to cutting up the lettuce and throwing it in a bowl, as if he didn't just offer his mouth on a platter for Brian.

Brian walked over to Justin and his smile turned amused. The way Justin had so casually suggested that he could fuck his face if they hurried made Brian lo... appreciate having Justin around. Brian grabbed a knife from the drawer and started peeling the cucumber as fast as possible.

Jennifer hadn't stayed long after Brian came home. Justin introduced them to one another quickly when he came in. Brian, figuring they needed a little more time alone, had gone to take a shower; when he came out, she was gone and Justin had relayed their conversation to him. Brian was possibly more shocked than Justin but still felt apprehensive about Justin so easily forgiving his parents. He didn't tell Justin that, though. There was no way he wanted to rain on Justin's parade. He wouldn't, at least not about that.

"Randall called while I was on my way back from dropping off Gus."

Justin tensed and stopped chopping. "What did he want?"

"Tomorrow they're starting the transfer of funds for the campaign."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah, but he's also coming to town next week. He wants to see what we've come up with."

"Let me guess," Justin said, "he's bringing Irene?"

Brian nodded. "And he wants us all to get together."

"Why are you so worried about it?" Justin asked. "We're actually married now and he signed a contract, he can't go back on it if you say no to the dinner."

"I said yes," Brian explained. "And that isn't the worst part."

"Oh what?" Justin asked. "Don't tell me they want to come here. I love cooking but..."

"They're moving here," Brian interrupted.

"Okay."

"Justin, they're moving here and he certainly can go back on the contract he signed. There are certain stipulations that if he isn't satisfied with Kinnetik then he can terminate the contract."

"And by not being satisfied with Kinnetik, that means not being satisfied with you?"

"Precisely."

"What he's doing can't be legal," Justin said. "He's practically blackmailing you into..."

"Being his friend?" Brian asked. "Cause that's about all I can come up with."

"He forced us to get married," Justin reminded.

"He forced us to invite him to the ceremony."

"So what if they're here. They aren't that bad."

"Justin, if we're going to be around them, then I'm going to have to..."

*buzz buzz*

"Oh, shit!" Justin jumped and ran toward the windows, looked down and saw his mother and sister standing outside the building. "They're here early. Christ!"

Brian sighed and grumbled, "Guess this means no face fucking?"

Justin ran back over to the kitchen and planted a kiss on Brian's lips, his hand cupping his crotch. "Later. I promise."

*****

"...and you should totally come and see me play because Mom and Tucker are just embarrassing and Dad never comes ‘cause Geo's so little and Christine says that Geo isn't big enough to be around a big group of people cause he could get sick real easy and he doesn't like loud noises like the buzzers and cheering anyway and I don't really care if they come anyway ‘cause I told all my teammates that you're this totally cool artist and they can't wait to meet you and Candice will probably think you're so super cute cause she has a thing for blond guys and..."

"Molly," Jennifer cut off her daughter's ranting, placing her hand on her knee, "pause and take a breath. Justin probably couldn't follow half of what you've said."

Molly's face flushed pink and she placed her hands over it. "Sorry," she mumbled.

Justin put his arm around Molly and took her hands away from her face. "Don't worry about it. I heard it all. I haven't talked to you in years so you're entitled to be excited and talk as much as you want."

"Are you gonna make up with Dad?" Molly asked.

The question startled Justin; he had no idea what he wanted to do about Craig. When his mother had told him all about Craig's new life, it had made him so angry. He didn't care if his father had tried to find him, he'd also been sleeping around with his secretary during Molly's chemotherapy and that just wasn't okay.

"Molly," Jennifer warned, "that isn't any of your business."

"But he's our dad and Justin hasn't even seen Geoffrey. He's gotta make up with Dad if he's gonna see our new baby brother," Molly said pointedly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Molly, remember how it took you a long time to like Christine and longer to not be angry with her having a baby. It's going to take a long time for Justin to get used to the way things are right now with our family," Jennifer spoke. "What goes on between your dad and brother is their business."

"But..."

"Mom's right," Justin said. "Until I talk to Dad myself, can you promise to stay out of it? We....he doesn't know me now and there's a lot of grown-up stuff we have to deal with."

"You just have to say sorry," Molly said, tears swimming in her eyes. She didn't want her brother to go away again. "Just say you're sorry for what you did to make him mad."

"It isn't that easy," Justin said, hugging his sister. "Now what day is your next game?"

Molly lit up in excitement again. "Oh, well there's one next week but you don't have to go to that one because..."

*****

Brian slid his hands down over Justin's naked back. "Your sister is just like you. She never stops talking."

Justin looked over his shoulder. "You're not seriously talking about my sister when you're about to fuck me, are you?"

Brian pushed Justin down onto the bed. "Shut up."

"You're the one that was talking first," Justin said, gripping the sheets and swaying his ass. "Come on, fuck me already, Brian."

Brian held Justin's cheeks apart and stared at the tiny slick hole he'd spent the last half hour opening up with his tongue and fingers, driving Justin crazy when he refused to allow him to cum. "You're sure you want it?"

"Briahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Fuck!"

Brian draped his body over Justin's and kissed the side of his face. "Now stay still," he whispered. "I'm going to fuck you hard and fast. Do you want it like that?"

Justin sucked in a deep breath and tried not to come. He was so fucking close. "God yes," he groaned, tightening his ass around Brian's cock. "Hard and fast."

Brian gripped Justin's hands in his and started pounding into his body. He never stopped or slowed his pace, just hammered his cock in and out of Justin's hole, losing himself in the act of sex, pushing away all the words that wanted to break out of his mouth, and demanded his brain only to accept the feelings he allowed. The tight heat of Justin's ass, the slick skin moving under him, the tongue and teeth against his as he kissed him, those things he could allow to affect him.

"Brian!" Justin yelled, slapping his arm behind him at Brian. "Stop!"

Brian stopped thrusting and realized that he hadn't even felt his orgasm. He was bathed in sweat and so was Justin. There were bite marks all along Justin's back, scratch marks up and down his shoulders and arms. And his dick was still hard, but there was cum rushing up the latex around his cock. "Shit." He slowly pulled out of Justin's hole, gripping tight to the condom.

Justin moaned in pain as he flipped onto his back and stared up at Brian worriedly. "Are you all right?"

Brian looked down at his cock and blinked. He had no idea how long they'd fucked, he'd lost track of time and space, and he barely remembered anything about it.

Justin gingerly sat up and touched Brian's shoulder, kissing his jaw. "You okay?" he asked, taking the condom off Brian's cock and throwing it on the floor.

Brian looked down and saw that Justin's stomach had imprints of his fingers where he'd gripped his hips to pull him back onto his cock and his arms and shoulders had scratches from his fingernails scraping down them. "I should be asking you that," he said in a gruff voice, his fingertips touching the spots on Justin's hips and stomach.

"I'm fine," Justin assured. "But you were about to fuck me again without changing the condom."

Brian's eyes widened as he realized Justin was right. "Fuck!" he slid off the bed and stood up, staring at Justin with a horrified expression. "I...I...."

Justin smiled and grabbed Brian's hand. "It's okay. It was an accident and you stopped, get another condom and you can continue where you left off."

"You liked it?" Brian asked.

"I told you I wanted you to fuck me fast and hard," Justin said. "Jeez, what's going on with you? You fuck me like that all the time. I'm okay."

"But you're all scratched and you're going to bruise and..."

"Shh." Justin pulled Brian closer to the bed. "You're all banged up too. This is from this morning." He ran his hands down Brian's sides and his fingertips danced over the bruises on Brian's hips. "These are from Friday, right?" he asked, indicating the scratches near Brian's nipples.

Brian looked down and saw the tiny circular bruises on his hips and the aftermath of Justin playing with his nipples. "Yeah," he breathed out, feeling ridiculous.

Justin bent down, kissed the bruises, and then stood up to kiss the scratches on Brian's chest, laving his nipples with his tongue before pulling back. "Now you do mine and then maybe you can have your surprise."

Brian was confused. "What?"

Justin flopped down onto the bed and made Brian sit down beside him. "You really lost it, huh?"

Brian blinked a few times. "What?"

Justin kissed across Brian's face. "You got lost. You fucked and fucked and fucked until you fucked yourself into a mind-fuck where the whole world fell away."

Brian gulped and nodded. "I lost it all right. I didn't even realize I'd come," he said, a bit in awe. That had never happened to him before that he could ever remember, not even when he was high or rolling.

Justin smiled and straddled Brian's legs, licking a long stripe up his neck to his lips. He spoke against them, "That's okay you know. That place you were lost in, it was me."

"Justin, don't..." Brian closed his eyes and opened his mouth wider as Justin kissed him, his tongue stroking the roof of his mouth. It was an erotic, perfect kiss that weirdly brought him to his senses. "Justin," he said, pushing the younger man's face away. "Justin?"

Justin smiled at Brian, waiting for whatever it was the man was going to say.

Brian stared at Justin and realized that while he pushed away the truth while he had fucked him, it had found him anyway. Justin Taylor had come into his life less than a month ago and had done something to Brian that he couldn't explain or deny. 

Whatever he'd done had made Brian feel more out of control than he'd ever felt in his life. His entire life, as he'd known it a month ago was completely changed. He wanted to ask Justin how he did it. But he realized that Justin wasn't going around begging for romance or asking for anything more than Brian was giving him. He didn't act as if he was trying to get Brian to fall in love with him. But Brian knew that he was and feeling that for Justin, feeling something he didn't believe in before, that wasn't the scary part. The most terrifying thing was that Brian didn't think the feeling was mutual. Just yesterday Justin had talked about where he'd like to live once they divorced. He was looking forward to being on his own. Without him.

Justin felt Brian shaking and wrapped his arms around him. "You're freaking me out."

Brian hated that he'd made Justin frown and worry and wasn't the fact that he cared about Justin in ways that he shouldn't enough to make him run? But again, he wasn't running because it felt too good to be with Justin while he could. He'd so seamlessly acted like the doting husband in front of Jennifer and Molly. But he hadn't had to try at it like he had before in front of Randall and Irene, it had been easy and that just wasn't okay. "I'm okay," Brian said, clearing his throat. "Just... cold." He gently pushed Justin off him and smiled reassuringly. "Come on, let's go take a shower, the sweat is cooling and I need to warm up."

Justin knew that Brian was avoiding whatever it was he had been about to ask or tell him. He knew that Brian wasn't one for heart-to-hearts and whatever he wanted to say would eventually come out. He'd just have to be patient and try to not worry about whatever had Brian acting weird. He followed Brian into the bathroom and got into the shower behind him. Brian pulled him into the hot spray and proceeded to suck the life out of him through one hot kiss, and Justin's worries washed away.