A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Ten: Embrace Me

Embrace me,

My sweet embraceable you.

Embrace me,

You irreplaceable you.

In your arms I find love so delectable, dear,

I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear.

Friday, October 3, 1997

“What?” Brian gasped. He couldn’t believe that there was a set time limit which was already so close. He knew that the people who kidnapped them were cruel; he’d learned that the day of Justin’s miscarriage. But Brian’s head spun as he realized the men had reached a higher level of cruelty.

“Did you hear me?” Justin asked when after a few minutes Brian said nothing at all.

“I heard you,” Brian replied and bowed his head. “But you’re not ready, you need time. I don’t give a shit if things are okay inside of you, they aren’t okay here.” Brian placed his hand over Justin’s heart.

“You aren’t ready either,” Justin whispered, placing his hand over Brian’s and moving them over his lover’s heart.

“You’re shaking,” Brian observed in a worried tone.

Justin hadn’t noticed that his entire body was vibrating with fear until Brian made him aware of it. “I…I need to get up,” he said, unwinding himself from Brian. Once he was standing he closed his eyes and took long deep breaths while he tried to think of something happy that would permit the shaking to stop.

“Justin, maybe you should sit back down?” Brian suggested, now standing behind Justin.

Justin’s eyes snapped open and he zeroed in on floor. “You got new carpet while I was gone?” Justin asked, not understanding why he hadn’t yet noticed it.

Brian brushed his hands up and down Justin’s back. “I…I…had to,” he choked out. “I couldn’t get the stains out myself.”

Brian’s words sounded so fucking haunted to Justin’s ears. “I’m sorry you had to do that,” he whispered.

Brian’s memory of scrubbing the tile floor under the bar and the carpet that lay stained beside it struck him. “Me too.” He didn’t care that Justin’s face was dirty, his lips were chapped and his breath wasn’t fresh. Brian loved the young man in his arms in such a fierce way that that the need to connect his mouth to Justin’s, to taste his him and feel that he was alive was stronger than anything else. As Justin’s tongue softly stroked his own, the kiss gave his body a sense of completion and relief.

“I could really use a shower and then a nice long bath,” Justin said softly as he pulled out of the kiss. “I don’t think I’ve had a real bath since….”

Brian brushed the tears from Justin’s face and pulled him with him toward the bathroom.

Once there, they undressed each other slowly. Justin shyly dropped his sweats to the ground and Brian was reminded of the first time Justin and he had taken a bath together. The fucking certifiably insane thing was that Brian actually thought that things were happier then.

Brian turned on the shower, stepped into the tub and held open the cloth curtain. “The water’s warm,” he beckoned.

Justin felt extremely self-conscious. He still carried most of the weight he’d gained during pregnancy everywhere on his body. The only place that he’d lost weight was his stomach which now just looked flabby. He was sure that he would completely turn Brian off and that this time Brian really would be forced to fuck him. He couldn’t imagine why someone as beautiful as Brian could ever find him attractive now.

Brian didn’t think he’d ever see Justin so withdrawn. He still didn’t know exactly what he went through and how he’d been treated but he knew that Justin’s self-esteem was extremely low. “Come get in, Justin,” he beckoned once again.

Justin looked up slowly and met the warm honey-brown eyes that seemed to be taking every part of him in. Brian didn’t have an expression that revealed disgust, it was completely the opposite. Justin relaxed a little and got into the tub with Brian. He walked under the spray and immediately he felt Brian’s arms wrap around his body. Brian ran his hands over every part of skin he could reach on his body. Brian caresses made Justin finally feel safe once again.

***

Justin’s Point of View

After taking our bath, shaving and brushing our teeth, Brian and I got dressed in sweats and started to make our way to the kitchen. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the door I’d pretended not to see each time I’d passed it since being back here.

My body wouldn’t move, my feet planted themselves in front of it, nearly making Brian smack into me from behind. I lifted my hand to the handle feeling so much dread barrel into my heart, tears immediately sprang into my eyes and I felt my body shaking as though there was an earthquake inside of me.

Brian’s hand covered mine and together we grasped the door handle. I could feel his deep breaths against my neck as the door started to creak open. I took one step inside and he reached beside me to switch on the light.

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I let out a long sigh when I looked up and saw all the beautiful sponged clouds that adorned the ceiling. Tears ran down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. “Brian,” I gasped out as I turned to him and hugged him tight. I could feel that he was shaking too as he hugged me back.

“I thought…I hoped that maybe they’d save him,” he choked out burying his face in my neck. “I thought that you might bring him back. I knew that it was probably impossible but I still hoped,” he whimpered and lifted his head to look me in the eyes.

I could feel his emotions so strongly beaming out of his eyes and into me. I hadn’t really had time to think about all the different things he must have thought. Realizing that he still hoped that our child was alive all this time sent a knife through my heart. I could hardly stand upright and we both used one another’s body for stability.

“I wasn’t even sure if you were alive and coming back,” he continued.

I didn’t know what to say to him because I’d never imagined the depth of his days here alone. “I love you, Brian,” I said, knowing it was the only thing that I could speak at that moment. I wasn’t alone in my pain. I could grieve for my baby boy. And give comfort to my lover, my partner, who had only just realized for sure what we had lost.

After we both marginally composed ourselves I walked further into the room and began to look around at all he’d done. Everything for the arrival of our child was in order. The dressers we’d ordered from the IKIA book were assembled and placed against the walls. The changing table had fresh green linens on it, on the shelves underneath the baskets were filled with all kinds of baby products. Hanging on the wall beside the changing table was the cloth red gingham diaper keeper filled with the tiniest diapers in the world.

In the middle of the room stood the crib Brian had put together, the linens inside were bright colors of gingham print fabric, the ones we’d picked out of the baby catalogue which had arrived only a few days before I gave birth. Hung on the wooden rail of the crib was a soft yellow and green newborn size jumper.

Brian noticed where my gaze had landed and walked over to the crib. “I guess I should put that in the closet,” he whispered, touching the clothing with one of his long fingers.

“No,” said, “don’t put it away.”

“I can’t just replace him!” he yelled, backing away from me and clutching the outfit to his chest.

I fucking knew that! But the reality is that it’s exactly what THEY want us to do. But I didn’t tell him that. “I don’t want to. We won’t, Brian,” I assured him. “We’ll give him a name and he will always be our son.”

Brian shook his head at me as he walked over to the mural, touched it and collapsed in the glider beside it. His hands held the clothing so tightly his knuckles were white and he wouldn’t look me, he just kept taking deep breaths.

I didn’t know what do. I wanted to scream and shout the way I had when they told me that the baby had died. But I couldn’t, I had to let Brian have his time and I had to be the strong one.

“I delivered him, Justin. I held him. He was so beautiful. He had tiny wisps of blond hair on his head. I didn’t think he’d even have hair when he was born.”

I walked over to him then and sat on the floor beside him, placing my head in his lap and wrapping my arms around his waist.

“It wasn’t anything you did because the cord it was wrapped around his neck, Justin. I tried to undo it, but it didn’t help. It was me. It was my fault. I didn’t read and watch everything about child birth like you asked me to.”

I knew that I should say something tell him it wasn’t true. But before I could speak he started talking again.

“I helped you hold him.” He looked at me in the eyes then, as if to plead with me to believe him. “He looked so perfect in your arms and even if you don’t remember it, I think you knew he was there, that you were holding your baby.”

It felt like his words, his pain was putting me in a trance because I couldn’t even cry. I was so overwhelmed with his emotions and my own that I was paralyzed by them.

“He knew his daddy had him. I told him that you were his daddy, Justin.” He places his hand on my head and sobs, “I told him that I was his daddy too.”

I don’t think my heart could have shattered into more pieces than I already thought it had but it did. My mouth was dry and I desperately wanted to say something. But only my own cries were aloud to pour out of my mouth.

“I named him Beacan. But that wasn’t until after you were both taken from me.” Brian pushed me away from him and in a rush of motion he sprung down onto the floor in front of me.

I pressed my body against his and sobbed, “I loved that name.”

“I told him that we loved him,” Brian cried clinging to me. “I told him we’d miss him. I knew…. I knew...I knew…” He repeated those last lines over and over as we cried together, our child’s unworn clothing between our bodies embrace.

Hours later Brian and I composed ourselves and laid on the couch together, holding one another but remaining completely silent. When my stomach began to growl I decided to make us sandwiches and hoped we were ready to talk. The conversation I knew we needed to have weighed heavily on me and though I knew it would break our hearts to even discuss it, but we needed to.

***

Duchess has been really distant from both me most of the morning but once she hears me opening her lunch she comes running out from under the couch.

“There you are,” Brian observes as he stands up from the couch and follows her into kitchen.

Duchess’ tail flicks back and forth as she sits on the floor waiting anxiously for me to put her can of food in her bowl.

“She seems really nervous,” I comment worriedly as I place her food down in front of her. “Do you think she’s getting sick?”

Brian leans down and pets her while shaking his head. “She’s probably just as emotional as we are. I think she missed you almost as much as I did.”

“I missed you guys too,” I say, wrapping my arms around Brian’s waist. “I never want to be without you again, Brian.”

“I promise you that will never happen,” he says firmly, kissing my forehead.

I feel myself choking up once again and have to step away from him before I start crying again. “You want turkey, right?”

“Yeah, do you want my help?”

“No,” I reply. “Why don’t you just pour us some drinks while I make the sandwiches, okay?”

“Sure,” he says hesitantly before kissing my cheek and walking over to the fridge.

I catch Brian staring at me the whole time I make the food and it’s making my skin itch because I can’t stop thinking about what we’re going to have to do. No matter what he says I know that what happened with Beacan was my fault.

I bring our plates to table and sit down beside Brian. I clear my throat and ask, “Are you ready to talk, Brian?” I ask.

“To be honest I really don’t want to have this conversation, but it isn’t like we can avoid it,” he admits sitting beside me at the table.

“Then let’s eat and we’ll go in the bedroom to talk about it, okay?” I know I’m stalling but I also don’t want to get so upset that I can’t eat, I’m already feeling light headed because I’m not used to all the stimulation and moving around that I’ve been doing.

***

“We have to be ready to conceive in four days,” I state quickly. “But I really don’t think my body is ready for sex,” I admit my fear.

“I know you’re not.” Brian says, squaring his shoulders. “That’s why I’m going to write them and see if they’ll let it be me this time.”

Brian had told me when he explained about sex that he wasn’t able to carry a child and that I couldn’t get him pregnant. “What are you talking about?”

“I have to tell you something that I’ve been hiding from for a long time,” he says gravely.

“You’re scaring me, Brian.”

“Don’t be scared. It’s not…it’s not that bad. I didn’t exactly tell you the truth. Justin, I had a miscarriage when I was younger.”

“What?” A million thoughts race through my mind as I try to imagine how that happened and a logical explanation for why he kept that from me.

“I was only two and a half months along. I wasn’t planning on keeping it, but before I could get it aborted, my body took care of it.”

I’m torn between being angry with him and feeling so sad for him. “Brian,” I gasp, feeling speechless as I see the regret and pain in his eyes.

“My doctor gives me this,” he says and lifts the arm of his t-shirt, grabbing at the skin underneath his upper arm. “There’s a little tube in here. It releases birth control. I get a new one every five years. But, it’s real easy to take it out.” He takes my hand and places it on his arm. “Feel it?”

I pressed my fingers into his skin and can feel the cylinder there. I had never noticed it before, and probably never would have. “You can’t just have that taken out, it’s inside you!”

“It’ll be just a small cut and it could pop right out. I could do it myself and have you stitch it up.” He raises his eyebrows and prompts, “Say something, Justin.”

I take my hand away and shake my head at the scenario. “You lied to me. You said you never thought about being a father.”

“The baby I was pregnant with was mistake. A mistake that I didn’t even think about until…” he trails off because we both know what he can’t say. “I wasn’t ever going to be that baby’s father, Justin.”

I can’t believe that he is grieving with me about the child we lost but talks about his miscarriage as if it didn’t mean anything at all! “I don’t understand you, Brian. You lied to me and when we talked about your past and all the things you did with other sexual partners you never said a word about being pregnant before. You said that you’d never been in a relationship before. You named Beacan but did you name your child?”

“My pregnancy had nothing to do with me being in a relationship, Justin. People get pregnant all the time and it isn’t because of love. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. The way I got pregnant isn’t something I wanted to remember. I didn’t even know the baby’s other father. It happened so long ago and it was so painful that I had to forget about it. What happened with Beacan has absolutely nothing to do with that.”

“Do you remember the date that your baby was born?” I ask him.

“Of course I do,” he whispers reluctantly.

“Then you didn’t forget; you couldn’t face what happened.”

His eyes tear up and he nods while taking my hands in his own. “No, I couldn’t face it. It was horrible and I thought I’d never want to be pregnant again. But I will be if it will save you any pain at all.”

Brian was telling me that he would give up his body to save mine from a little pain. For me to experience sex so soon after being so torn inside would be extremely painful. A few days wouldn’t change that. Even though he lied to me, I have to forgive him. I love him so much and there isn’t room for anger with all the other emotions I feel. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“No, I’m not sure but I have to. I don’t want to be the one to cause you any pain. We’ll have to ask Peter and see what he says.”

Something tells me that Peter isn’t going to accept the change in his plans.

***

Friday, October 10, 1997

Brian’s P.O.V.

Fucking assholes and fucking time limits. We were informed that it must be Justin that carries the baby two days ago. We’ve used up every moment we can to hold off their sick demand. Today is the last day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this tonight. There is no way that Justin or I are mentally ready to have sex with the intention of creating a child. We weren’t ready the first time but now it’s completely unfathomable to accept what we most do.

For the first time in a week, Justin went last night without waking from a nightmare but that was only because he was exhausted. Every night since he’s been home if he hasn’t woke me screaming, I wake to find him in the living room sitting on the couch with Duchess. Sometimes he’s writing in his journal, which I think is a good sign because he’s getting his feelings out, but he isn’t talking to me and that terrifies me.

I hate to think it but what will happen if his body is incapable of becoming pregnant ever again? Will they choose me to carry our baby then? Or will they tear our lives apart more than they already have. I imagine that they’ll take me out of the equation first. Then they’ll kidnap someone else and see if they can get him pregnant. The thought of anyone touching him makes me want to die.

Right now Justin is sitting on couch watching Sleeping Beauty, lost in the Wonderful World of Walt Disney. He’s got a pair of baby blue pajama pants on and no shirt. For once I’m not laughing at his childish attire. His hand rests on his empty belly though I’m sure he doesn’t do it consciously. I hear him laugh at the cartoon and his blue eyes sparkle and Duchess purrs against his neck. I’m fucking blessed that for a few minutes of today he isn’t thinking about the pain we’re going to go through.

When we have talked it’s been to prepare us both for tonight. I’ve talked in detail about how I’m going to prepare him for sex, the position we’re going to do it in and how I will force myself to go as slowly as possible. He’s not healed and this is going to be extremely painful for him no matter how gentle I am.

“Brian?” I come out of my thoughts and see that the credits are rolling on the screen. He shuts the TV off, places Duchess on the floor and walks toward me. “Did you want to try now?”

I nod my head and try not to show how reluctant I am to do this. I don’t want him to think it has anything to do with me not wanting him. I stand up, slide my hand into his and lead him toward our bedroom.

***

3rd Person P.O.V.

At first everything seemed to go the way that Brian and Justin had planned it. Justin was able to relax when Brian first pushed his lubed pointer finger inside him and even lifted his hips to feel more of it inside of him. But when Brian added his slicked middle finger, Justin tensed and cried out in pain.

Brian held his fingers still and softly asked, “Are you okay, do you want me to stop?”

“Do you want to be taken from me?” Justin growled out. He moved Brian’s left hand to touch his soft cock. “Don’t stop,” he warned. “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Justin,” Brian said in a teary voice, stroking Justin’s dick but not getting any reaction.

“Brian,” Justin sighed his lover’s name. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault that we have to do this! But we have to. Don’t worry about me, Brian. You just have to do it no matter what.”

Brian painstakingly started to move his fingers again, his eyes not leaving Justin’s. “I love you,” he said, feeling Justin grasp his cock and begin to pump it.

“And I love you. That’s why we’re doing this. We have to stay together and we don’t have that much time.”

Brian nodded and started to scissor his fingers. He went back to kissing Justin and lost himself in his pleasure until he felt wetness on his face. He looked and saw that Justin’s eyes were squeezed tight and tears rolled down his cheeks. “Oh God, Justin,” Brian gasped, gently pulling his fingers from Justin’s hole.

Justin continued to pump Brian’s cock between their bodies and breathing heavily from the throbbing pain of his insides.

“I can’t do this,” Brian whimpered against Justin’s lips.

Justin knew that he was going to have force Brian to fuck him. He opened his eyes pushed Brian to sit between his legs and spread them. “Put my legs on your shoulders,” he directed.

Brian felt his own tears start to burn at the back of his eyes. “Justin, I don’t want to do this. I don’t know if I can,” he said as he lifted Justin’s legs to his shoulders.

“You have to, Brian!” Justin encouraged. He reached beside him to grab the lube, squirted a massive amount onto his hand, and slicked it onto Brian’s cock before putting the rest into himself with one painful thrust of his fingers.

Brian held back his cry of shock and the pain he felt for Justin. He couldn’t believe how brave his lover was being, through the pain and was sure that if it were him he wouldn’t have been able to do the same. “I’ll take it easy,” he whispered, lining his semi-hard cock up to Justin’s hole.

Justin bore down as Brian tried to push in. “Come on,” he encouraged when Brian’s dick slipped out of him.

“I’m trying,” Brian spoke desperately while failing to enter Justin again.

Justin yelled out from the burn. “Brian, come on!” he pleaded.

“I can’t do it, Justin,” Brian cried, tears now escaping down his cheeks.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck and brought their faces close together. He felt the stretch of his muscles in his legs which almost over powered the burn in his ass as Brian tried to enter him again. “Do it,” he grunted out. “Fuck me, Brian,” he groaned before crashing his lips against Brian’s and kissing him fiercely.

Brian tried to resist the pleasure he felt because he knew it was so wrong to feel it when Justin was in such pain but he couldn’t stop the need he felt to be inside Justin. His mouth opened and let Justin’s smooth tongue inside. “Justin….” Brian tore his mouth away from Justin’s and brought his attention to Justin’s hole and tried again.

“Brian!” Justin screamed out as the man pulled out again. “Come on, please… Fuck me.” He tried to make Brian believe that he wasn’t in so much pain. But tears defied him and slid out of his eyes.

Brian looked at Justin in fear. “I can’t; it won’t go in, you’re not open enough. And I’m too soft!”

“Then spread me open with your fingers and push in, Brian!” Justin demanded as he clutched Brian’s back.

“Oh god…” Brian looked down at Justin’s swollen hole. “You’re too tight. You’re too tight,” he spoke, trying to get his fingers inside Justin again.

“Then loosen me up,” Justin ordered.

“I can’t, Justin!” Brian cried. “I can’t do this to you.”

“I’ll do it,” Justin panted. He reached down and stuck two fingers inside his hole and spread his resistant walls open. “Look at me, Brian,” he said sternly. “Don’t look away from my eyes and pump your cock.”

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes. “Okay…okay.” He stroked his slippery cock in his hand.

“My hole is ready for you. It’s so warm. I’m so tight, Brian. I want your big cock inside it.” Justin leaned up and kissed Brian hungrily feeling the blunt head of Brian’s dick fit between the fingers inside his spread ass. “Brian.” He tore his mouth away from his lovers. “I want you to fuck me. And when you shove it inside me, I don’t want you to stop. No matter what happens with me.”

Brian took a breath and nodded at Justin. “I love you,” he called out as he thrust inside Justin’s extremely tight warm depths in one go. His body though automatically stilled when he heard Justin scream in agony, tearing his heart to threads.

Justin could not believe how much pain he was in as he removed his fingers. He knew that he had to have Brian continue. He panted deep breaths and grabbed Brian’s face staring into his eyes. “Don’t you fucking stop! Fuck me, Brian,” he demanded, scraping his nails down Brian’s back.

“Justin!” Brian cried out, his erection wavering once again. “I can’t!”

“Don’t you dare get soft, Brian!” Justin screamed at Brian. “Don’t do this to us. You finish this, Brian. You have to if you want me with you.”

“I can’t, Justin. I can’t stay hard. Not when I know what I’m doing to you!”

“Don’t think about me right wow! Remember that time you fucked me so fucking hard I nearly passed out?”

Brian groaned. “Please, Justin. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”

Justin ignored him. “You were so hard inside my warm, tight little ass, Brian. You were so hard and it hurt but it felt so good when you fucked me. It was dirty and hot and I loved feeling you hurt my little hole as you fucked it. I loved it and I know that you’ll make me love having your big cock filling my tiny hole.”

Brian growled again, squeezing his eyes trying to focus on that memory.

Justin grabbed Brian’s hair and put his mouth against Brian’s ear. “Do it. Fuck your boy’s tight little hole. Open me up for your big hard cock. Make me scream for it, Brian.”

Brian pulled out and then pushed back inside Justin quickly, feeling the pleasure from the memories of that specific fuck.

Justin forced his mouth to only scream encouragement, “Fuck yes, that’s it. Fuck me.” No matter how painful it was to endure Brian’s pumping he over came it and continued to encourage Brian to fuck him.

“Justin,” Brian whimpered his lover’s name as his movements slowed.

Justin’s ass was slowly becoming numb to the pain and he began to feel tingles of pleasure. “Fuck me harder, faster,” he voiced. “Show me how much you love being inside my hot little hole. Fuck your dick into me real deep, Brian.”

Brian lost it then. He closed his eyes and just started to hammer away inside of Justin’s clenching hole. He opened his eyes and looked down to see that Justin was pumping his cock and it was nearly erect. Even through the pain, he’d been able to give his lover pleasure and that made Brian even more determined to make love to Justin better than he ever had before.

For a long time they rutted against one another, both reaching for the place that was just out of reach, a place they’d both been so frightened of going.

“Come inside me, Brian,” Justin said, feeling his body quaking and coming close to orgasm. “Make a baby inside me,” he moaned into Brian’s mouth before fusing his mouth to Brian’s once again.

That’s when Brian’s body started to climax. And he came hard, deep inside Justin’s ass, feeling Justin shake under him and his hole contract around his dick. After a few minutes Brian slipped out of Justin and turned to his side, bringing Justin’s body with him.

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes and spoke quietly, “I love you.”

“You…you came,” Brian said with wonder. Though that had intended to be his goal Brian was unsure if he’d be able to accomplish it. The only reason he allowed himself to orgasm before Justin was because he knew that he couldn’t risk holding back and possibly not being able to come.

“Yes!” Justin said with a small smile, his hand running through the sticky substance on his belly and chest.

“I…I didn’t think.” Brian couldn’t believe it! “But I hurt you.”

Justin kissed Brian’s chin. “It did hurt, Brian. But that didn’t matter. Because….it was you inside me.”

“Are you sore?” Brian asked, curling his fingers through Justin’s hair.

“Unbelievably. But…I feel okay,” Justin said. “It was nice to have you inside me again. Even if I wasn’t completely ready, I needed it. I needed you to be a part of me once again.”

“Me too,” Brian admitted. “Do you think we did it?” he asked after a moment of silence.

“I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think we did. I think we made another baby.”

***

Friday, October 31, 1997

“What are these for?” Brian asked, pulling out what looked like doll clothes from the Halloween box as he walked into the living room.

Justin hopped off the sofa. “Where did you find that box? I forgot about them.”

Brian handed the box and items to Justin. “The box was under some of your notebooks on your shelf.”

“These are for Duchess,” Justin said, holding up the witch costume and bat costume. “Which one should we put on her?”

Duchess suddenly leapt from the couch, dashed around their ankles and ran into the bedroom and under the bed.

“I don’t think she wants you to put either on her,” Brian guessed.

“Oh, come on,” Justin said, walking down the hall toward the bedroom. “Help me catch her.”

Brian caught Justin’s arm. “Let’s leave her be.”

“But…” Justin suddenly realized how childish his game probably seemed to Brian and thought better of it. “Never mind,” he spoke softly, placing the items back in the box.

“I’m only wearing a mask and a cape,” Brian said quickly, noticing that Justin was about to cry.

Justin gave Brian a confused expression. “What?”

“I’ll only wear a mask and a cape, no make up, it always makes my skin itchy.”

Justin’s face brightened in an instant. “Really?”

Brian nodded, remembering what he’d read about Justin’s first Halloween in one of his journals. “Sure. You got enough candy for me too, right?”

“I didn’t think you would want to. You really do?” he asked excitedly.

“Of course,” Brian nodded. He did a lot of things with Justin that he never got to experience as a child and didn’t mind them as much as he once would have. The games Justin and he played kept the boredom and mundane feelings to a minimum. “But you have to promise not to ever tell anyone.”

“I promise!” Justin exclaimed before sealing his promise with a kiss.

***

Thursday, November 27, 1997

Justin salivated over the Thanksgiving turkey he saw inside the oven. “It’s done perfectly,” he praised himself donning oven mitts.

“Let me lift that for you,” Brian said, shooting up from the chair in the living room and unceremoniously dropping Duchess onto the floor.

Duchess had a right mind to swipe at Brian’s bare ankles with her claws as he hopped over her and ran into the kitchen. She knew that her boy was cooking things that smelled delicious and she wouldn’t get to taste any of it if she made his Brian mad. Swishing her tail in the air a few times relaxed her and she jumped up onto a bar stool to see just what her boy had spent the day in the kitchen making.

“It’s only a twenty-pound turkey, Brian,” Justin laughed as he handed over the Mickey Mouse oven mitts. “I really could’ve lifted it.”

Brian rolled his eyes and lifted the turkey out of the oven. “This thing weighed twenty-pounds before you stuffed it, decorated it and cooked it. I swear it’s heavier than it was when I put it in. You still haven’t gained back all your strength so just let me help.”

Justin laughed and handed Brian the turkey baster. “Squirt the juice over the top to keep it moist. I’ve got to get in the shower because I feel like I’m a grease ball.”

Brian caught Justin’s arm before he could slip past and brought him into his arms. “What do you want to drink?” he murmured against Justin’s neck.

Justin’s knees weakened and he held onto Brian’s hips tight. “Just…. Just give me…” Realizing there was no way he was going to be able to answer Brian with the man’s licking the sweat around his neck, Justin pushed away from Brian and grinned at him. “You’re insatiable,” he giggled.

Brian shrugged. “I always said that if I was ever stranded on a desert island all I would do is fuck.”

Justin was often surprised how Brian could joke about their situation, but he’d learned that it was the man’s way of dealing with it. “Well, this thankfully isn’t a deserted island. Can you imagine not being able to eat what we wanted to?”

Brian chuckled. “You sure sound hungry,” he observed.

Justin nodded. “It’s Thanksgiving, everyone is hungry today,” he replied walking out of the kitchen. He stopped before he entered the bathroom, his mouth watering at the sudden need that arose from within him. “Could you make me some really chocolatey milk?”

“Sure,” Brian answered, smirking.

“Ooooh wait. Make me a huge glass of hot chocolate with some of the big marshmallows in it to.”

“You want that with Turkey, stuffing and vegetables?” Brian asked to be sure. He definitely wouldn’t be drinking the same thing with his meal.

Justin nodded enthusiastically before disappearing behind the bathroom door.

“If that isn’t a craving, I don’t know what is,” Brian spoke to Duchess, trying to keep the hope from reaching his heart too much.

Duchess seemed to nod at Brian and risked jumping on the counter beside the bowl of mashed potatoes. They smelled good, but she didn’t think she’d like them. Of course, she hadn’t tasted them yet, so maybe if she took just a tiny little….

“Don’t even think about it!” Brian roared, waving the cat away. “Justin will kill you if you touch it.”

Duchess threw her tail stiffly into the air and glared at Brian. She knew that Brian really meant that Justin would kill him if he wasn’t paying attention while she tasted it. Annoyed with Brian’s staring and waving hand she hopped off the counter and walked proudly toward her bowl. She slowly lay down beside the bowl, playfully bat at it with her paws while giving Brian a pitiful expression and purring low.

Brian watched as Duchess feigned casualness as she strutted toward her empty bowl and purred as she circled it. “Oh sure,” Brian snickered. “You’re a little kitten when you want something from me.” He picked up the empty bowl and brought it over to the table Justin set up beautifully. “You can eat by Justin’s chair,” he told the Duchess who had followed him over.

Duchess gave Brian a pleased look and rubbed her face against his hand for the first time since Justin came home.

“Come here,” Brian said, picking up the cat. He pet her back and rubbed his face against hers while walking over to the sofa. “I’m glad you like me again. You were all I had for awhile. I normally don’t like animals but you’re a good kitten,” he whispered.

Duchess purred and once Brian sat down she hopped up on his chest and placed her face in the crease between his neck and shoulder. She liked Brian much more when he remembered that like Justin. Brian was her boy too.

***

About a half-hour later, Justin came out of the bathroom, bundled in a large blue terry-cloth robe and looking completely refreshed. “Did you baste the turkey?” he called, walking into the bedroom to get dressed.

Brian had got so caught up with relaxing with Duchess that he’d completely forgotten. “Doing it now,” he called, gently placing Duchess on the sofa cushion as she stood.

Duchess stretched before contently curling up in the warm spot on the sofa Brian had left. She was a lazy cat and simply content to nap until the delicious food was placed in her bowl.

Brian prepared the turkey before placing it and the side-dishes on the table. He was in the middle of pouring milk into their glasses when Justin came rushing into the living room.

“I’m so fucking hungry!” Justin declared, racing over to Brian and kissing him whole-heartedly.

Brian broke away laughing and asked, “Did you just curse?”

“What?” Justin asked, too focused on the food on the table to recall what he’d just said.

“That’s the first time you’ve ever said ‘fucking’ when we weren’t actually fucking,” Brian commented. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

Justin considered this. “My mommy wouldn’t be very happy with me, would she?” he asked Brian.

“I wasn’t trying to correct you, Justin. You’re a man and you can curse whenever you want to,” Brian said gently, ignoring the word he used for his mother. “I was surprised, that’s all.”

Justin nodded and pushed the thoughts of his mom’s disappointment away from his mind. “So do you want to carve or should I?”

“You baked it,” Brian said, handing Justin the battery-powered carver. “You do the honors.”

Once the turkey was carved, Justin and Brian filled their plates and Brian gave Duchess a large piece of turkey and a bowl of milk. Justin stopped Brian’s hand before the man could take a bite of his food. “Wait,” Justin spoke, giving his lover a smile. “When I was little, Mommy, Daddy and me would say what we were thankful for before we ate.”

After all the pain that Brian knew Justin had gone through he was surprised that Justin could feel thankful for anything at all. But as bad of a life as Justin had lived while kidnapped, it hadn’t made him bitter. That was something Brian admired about Justin, he had an inner strength that pulled them both from despair. Honestly, it wasn’t hard for him to find something to be thankful for. “Okay,” Brian said encouragingly. “Can I go first?”

Justin nodded. “Of course.”

Brian placed his hand on top of Justin’s and held his gaze. “I’m thankful to have you alive and safe. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Justin. I hate that we have to live here; I hate what these people have done to us. But I’m thankful that it’s you that I’m here with.”

Justin kissed Brian’s shoulder and squeezed his hand. “I feel the same way about you, Brian. I’m so thankful that it was you and not anyone else.” He moved he and Brian’s hand to rest over his stomach. “And, I’m thankful that we’re going to have another chance to be…” Justin had to take a deep breath to halt the surge of emotions that threatened to express themselves in tears. “We’re going to be parents. I’m thankful for this new life you placed inside of me,” he whispered.

Brian’s jaw dropped open and it took him a few moments before he could move or speak. He pulled Justin toward him, practically tipping them both out of their chairs with his exuberance. “I’m thankful too,” Brian whispered and pulled away to look at Justin. “When did you find this out? You know, I actually suspected this but I didn’t want to get too excited,” he rambled. “Why didn’t you tell me you tho…”

Justin placed his finger against Brian’s lips and grinned shyly at him. “I wanted to be sure and I wanted to make sure that my body wasn’t just giving a false-positive. I’ve heard that can happen if you haven’t gone through an HOC since your last pregnancy. And we agreed not to worry about it until they wanted me to take a test.”

“When did they send you one?” Brian asked, confused. “I don’t remember seeing any.”

“They didn’t,” Justin replied. “I had like a dozen of them I hadn’t used in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. I took one of the tests a couple of weeks ago and it was a really faint line, so I didn’t want to say anything about it yet. Then today before I took a shower, I took two more and they were really bright positives. I was pretty sure that with all the cravings I’d been having that I was pregnant. I mean, who thinks chocolate milk and turkey is going to be good?”

“You do, though I forgot I was going to make you that,” Brian said, pointing to the white milk in Justin’s glass.

Justin shrugged. “It’s okay, cause right now I can’t imagine drinking that.”

Brian peppered kisses all over Justin’s face while he whispered, “I love you.”

***

Friday, December 19, 1997

Justin attempted to relax as he looked down at Brian who knelt between his legs. “Fuck, that hurts.”

Brian stopped pressing on Justin’s pelvis and looked up his lover. “We don’t have to do this. We can wait until you’re further along and we can just use measuring tape,” he suggested, hating to see Justin in any amount of pain.

“No,” Justin protested, using his elbows to prop him up a little bit. “This is the most accurate way to tell how far along I am, Brian. I don’t want to wonder the whole time. I want to know when the baby’s fingernails are developing, when I should be feeling greater movement, and when the baby can hear you. I want to be as certain about all of that as we can be.”

“All right,” Brian agreed, rubbing Justin’s knee. “Lie back down,” he ordered gently. “Try to relax.”

Once Justin’s head was back on his pillow he encouraged Brian to continue, “I’m ready, Dr. Kinney.”

Brian snorted as he looked at the book that was open to the page that had instructions and illustrations to guide him. He took a deep breath and began again, pressing up inside of Justin with the fingers of his left hand and pressing down upon Justin’s pelvis with his right hand.

“What do you think?” Justin asked. He bit his lip and fought with the urge to release anything left in his bladder, even though he’d gone to the bathroom minutes before they began.

Brian’s right hand curved and he could clearly discern the shape and size of Justin’s womb with his palm. He couldn’t believe he was actually, in a way, holding their baby. That thought caused him to smile and he realized that what he was doing wasn’t as gross as he imagined that it would be. He took his hand off Justin’s stomach for a moment, stopped the press of his fingers inside and picked up the orange laying beside them.

“So?” Justin prodded, releasing a deep breath.

Brian considered the orange for a moment. “Too small,” he said before dropping it and picking up the grapefruit. The shape felt right to him but he once again pressed down and felt Justin’s womb again to be sure. “It’s definitely the size of grape fruit. Feel it.” He took Justin’s left hand and showed him how to curl his hand to feel what he’d felt.

Justin smiled through the discomfort at Brian before grabbing the fruit. “You’re right. It’s definitely a grapefruit.”

Brian cleaned Justin with a warm wash cloth and disposed of the latex glove he’d worn before sitting back down on the bed beside Justin. “So, what does the book say about that?” he queried.

Justin was now sitting Indian style, anxiously reading the passage on the next page of the book. “It says that I should be between eleven and twelve weeks along, but that if I am carrying higher than my pelvic bone I’m most likely a full twelve weeks.”

Brian counted back in his head. “Then that would mean we conceived on our first try.”

Justin wrapped his arm around Brian and opened the newest baby book which showed amazing photographs of a baby, week-by-week, within the womb. “This is what the baby looks like,” he said, turning to the pages that showed week twelve.

“That’s amazing,” Brian admitted. “Though it looks like it’s an alien.”

Justin laughed. “It does,” he giggled, touching his belly. “I have an alien inside of me.”

“So, what does it say the baby can do?”

Justin flipped backward to the informational page and read; “At twelve weeks the first trimester is completed!” he spoke with excitement. “It says that the baby can leap and kick, even if I don’t feel him. If it’s a boy his testosterone is forming, it is developing soft fingernails, toenails and its intestines. It weighs about a half of an ounce and is about five or six centimeters.”

“I can’t believe it’s so small,” Brian said, confused. “I guess I thought it was just a little smaller than the grapefruit.”

“Didn’t you read any of the other books?” Justin asked, closing the book he held.

“I did,” Brian assured. “I still didn’t understand that, even when I was pregnant, I didn’t understand it.”

Justin kissed Brian’s jaw lightly. “It doesn’t matter how much I read about it, really. It still is confusing. Anyway, I’m just happy that I know for sure. Now we can figure out the due date and now I can make that calendar I wanted to make in my journal.” Justin held Brian’s hand as he spoke his next sentence, “It’ll be a lot more accurate than the one I made for Beacan.”

Brian tried not to think about the words Justin wrote for their son on nearly a daily basis. The words they both wrote which they intended their baby would one day read when they were all free. The more he tried to suppress the memories of all their hopes the harder it was for him to do so.

Justin turned in Brian’s arms and straddled the man’s lap. “I’m sorry; I didn’t say that to make you sad.”

“I know,” Brian said quietly, threading his fingers in Justin’s hair. “I miss him, even if we didn’t get to know him more than how we know the baby inside of you now, I miss him so much.”

“Me too,” Justin wept and placed his face against Brian’s neck. “I know this baby is different, I know that. But I can’t help but think that if Beacan had lived, there’d be no way that I could be pregnant with this baby now. It doesn’t seem right that I should be happy, that I should want to do some of the same things I did while I was pregnant with him.” He placed his mouth against Brian’s ear and said in an eerily quiet whisper, “I’m so scared about what they’re going to do with our baby once it’s born.”

“They’re not going to do anything,” Brian promised fiercely, bringing Justin’s face to look up at him. “They won’t,” he assured.

“You don’t know that for sure,” Justin whispered; placing his head against Brian’s so he could talk into his ear once again. “Sometimes I think they’re just going to keep demanding that we have babies for them and that they’re going to take them… to… to sell them. If they do that, then I want to have my memories of when I did have them with us. I think that’s what they’re doing. They wanted good genes, Brian. I think they wanted me as young as I could be and have children for them to give away to other people.”

“Don’t think like that,” Brian demanded, tears falling from his eyes in reaction from Justin’s scary scenario that seemed horrifyingly possible. “How do you even know about stuff like that?” he asked his voice low beside Justin’s ear. “How?”

“I saw it on the news when I was little,” Justin confessed softly. “Some people sold babies in adoptions from a girl they had live with them. My Daddy turned the television off when he noticed I was in the room. When I first came here, I thought that maybe they were going to give me away to another family. I don’t know when I stopped thinking that. It must’ve been when they explained to me about the rules. But I remembered the television program last week when I woke up from one of my nightmares. That got me thinking about everything. I mean… why else would they do this to us?”

“Justin, they’ve got to have all the money they need,” Brian protested, keeping his voice a whisper as he spoke in Justin’s ear. “If they can support you all this time and now me too… they have to money.”

“Maybe, there are other people they do this to,” Justin spoke. “Maybe they have already regained their money and that’s how they do it,” he suggested, moving so he could look into Brian’s eyes to gauge his reaction.

Brian shook his head and spoke in a low warning tone, “No. We’re not going to think like this, Justin. We will wait it out until we can’t anymore, until I can figure out something. Whatever goes on between now and the time this baby is born is out of our control as much as what may go on after until they let us go. We can not be scared of that; you can’t be scared of that all the time. Stress is not good for the baby.”

“So we have to pretend?” Justin asked. “We have to pretend like this is just our life?”

“If that’s what will keep you and our baby healthy, that’s exactly what we have to do,” Brian said eagerly. “Promise me that you won’t think those horrible thoughts again.”

“I promise,” Justin swore.

Brian kissed away Justin’s tears from his cheeks and gave him a watery smile. “How about we go figure out the due date and afterward we can write our first journal entries to our baby, okay?”

Justin nodded. “Everything will be okay,” he said to assure himself, wrapping his arms around Brian. “As long as I have you to protect me.”

Brian pressed Justin against him and prayed that Justin’s earlier words would not ring true but that the ones he’d just spoken would.

***

Thursday, December 25, 1997

“This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had,” Brian announced. He pulled Justin to lie back on the mountain of wrapping paper and bows that littered the floor under their fake Christmas tree.

Justin laughed with Brian and turned on his side so he could look down at his lover’s genuinely happy face. “This is the best?” he asked, astounded at the revelation.

“Yup,” Brian assured, popping his head up for a moment to kiss Justin. “I’ve never had better and I’ve definitely never gotten so many presents. In fact, I never really celebrated Christmas willingly as an adult and when I was a kid it was only an excuse for my parents to get drunk and my mother to force my sister and me to praise the lord,” he explained the sad situation but continued to smile at Justin.

Justin knew of Brian’s past, of his family, but until that moment he hadn’t understood how disconnected and unhappy they really must’ve made Brian. “This is my favorite Christmas, too.”

“When we were putting up the Christmas tree, you told me about your last Christmas with your Mom and Dad,” Brian reminded Justin. “You said that was your favorite.”

Justin nodded. “It was, until today. I have you and the best gift you could ever give me is right here,” he placed his hand on his stomach and blushed at Brian.

Brian refrained from telling Justin how cheesy and sentimental his words were, he had to do that a lot of the time Justin spoke. Justin still spoke words that sounded like they came out of a ten-year-old’s mouth but he could never bring himself to correct that innocence since Justin had already lost so much. “So where is Duchess?” Brian asked, moving the paper he’d last seen her under.

“She took off with the cat-nip into the bathroom,” Justin answered. “I think she’s hiding in the bathtub afraid we’ll take it away like you had to last time.”

“She got so high she was licking my socks,” Brian protested. “She really is crazy if she’s hiding in the bathtub.”

“It’s the only place she thinks we won’t look for her,” Justin assessed. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we snuck in there and turned the water on her?”

“You’re mean,” Brian gasped. “I thought you loved her!”

“I do. But I miss messing around with her. She changed from being a kitty to cat while I was gone.”

Duchess had moments where she seemed to act like a kitten, but Justin was right, the animal had changed while he was gone and it wasn’t entirely because she’d matured. Not wanting to see the sadness in Justin’s eyes, he pulled Justin’s head down so their lips could meet and plundered Justin’s mouth with his tongue. He kissed him expertly, demanding Justin’s thoughts to turn back to happiness.

Justin had to pull away when he became short of breath. “You should save that for when we’re under the mistletoe,” he joked.

Brian hopped up from the pile of paper and presents and offered his hand to help Justin stand up. “Come on,” he beckoned.

Justin complied and followed as Brian led them toward the bedroom. His cock hardened along the way and he was pleasantly surprised as he watched Brian rush to dispose of his clothing and place himself spread-eagle on the bed. “Eager to be inside of me?” he asked, pulling off his t-shirt.

Brian grabbed the lube from the bedside table and held Justin’s eyes with his own lustful stare. “No,” he replied. “I’m eager to get my last present from you.”

Justin laughed as he, now naked, crawled onto the bed. “Isn’t that the same thing?” he asked, kissing Brian’s chest.

Brian shoved the lube into Justin’s hand. “Nope. I’m eager to have you inside of me.”

“I think I’m the one getting the present,” Justin assessed, licking his lips.

***

Thursday, January 1, 1998

12:03 A.M.

Justin pulled out of the passionate kiss and clinked his glass of sparkling grape juice with Brian’s. “To a new year,” he toasted.

“To the New Year,” Brian spoke and took a sip of the drink.

Justin took Brian’s glass from him and placed both of theirs down on the bar top. “Dance with me,” he asked, pulling Brian into the open space of the living room.

“I’m a horrible dancer,” Brian protested.

“But you said you went dancing all the time,” Justin said while he pushed the coffee table and chairs as far back in the space as he could.

Brian practically dug his heels in as Justin led him into the center of the room. “Just because I danced, it didn’t mean I was any good.”

Justin giggled. “I don’t care.” He placed his hands on Brian’s waist and began to lead him around the room in a restrained waltz.

Brian fumbled with following Justin but soon began to enjoy himself, mostly because Justin’s smile and joy was infecting him. “I can’t believe you have me dancing to a Disney song,” he laughed.

Justin stopped dancing and started laughing hysterically as he walked over to their new stereo and changed the disc to one he’d gotten Brian for Christmas. “I was just seeing how long you’d let me dance with you to that,” he snickered. A Frank Sinatra began to play and he grabbed Brian into his arms again.

Brian looked down at Justin as they swayed to ‘Embraceable You’. “You’re a little devil,” he told him.

Justin shrugged and placed his head on Brian’s shoulder, stopping their dance to a slight sway as his hands pressed Brian against his body. “Shut up and dance with me.”

Brian obliged, happy that Justin considered their slow sway a dance.

Duchess watched the couple from her seat on the sofa, relaxed and content seeing her boys happy like they had been before Justin had gone away.

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter 10: Twist

Tuesday, February 3, 1998

To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none. ~ Francis Bacon

Brian watched in envy as Justin licked white frosting from his upper lip. Unable to hold back, he pulled Justin against him and devoured his mouth, seeking and claiming his taste. “Mmm… delicious,” Brian said, pulling away.

Justin grinned. “So I’m Sweet Sixteen?” he asked playfully.

Brian felt his gut twist. He was ever-aware of Justin’s innocence and when they’d celebrated his fifteenth birthday, it had made him feel completely uncomfortable. However, Justin’s excitement to share his birthday with someone else made it much easier for Brian.

Looking down into Justin’s blue eyes, now made Brian realize with startling clarity how much had changed for Justin in the last year. For any normal fifteen year old, turning sixteen would mean getting a driver’s license and a slew of other rights of passage which Justin didn’t know he was missing out on. Even with all the little quirks that showed Justin’s naiveté, Brian couldn’t imagine how Justin was only sixteen.

“What’s the matter?” Justin asked, touching Brian’s cheek with the back of his fingers.

Brian couldn’t tell Justin what he was thinking; he didn’t want to ruin his lover’s happiness. “Nothing,” he said while smiling. “So, what do you think of your cake?” he asked, changing the subject.

Justin was quite proud of Brian. It was a simple, one-layer chocolate cake with cream cheese icing, orange sprinkles and sixteen blue candles stuck into the middle of it. It looked perfect. “I love it,” Justin said looking down at the cake, his stomach growling.

Brian laughed as he heard the noises Justin’s stomach made. “You want desert before we have dinner, don’t you?”

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and nodded enthusiastically. “I do, do you mind?”

“We’re just having frozen pizza,” Brian replied. “But before you blow out your candles I want you to open a present I got you first.”

Justin bounced on his heels. “Really? What is it?”

“Go sit down and I’ll go get it,” Brian spoke, leading Justin from the kitchen into the living room.

“Okay,” Justin agreed with excitement. “Grab my camera while you’re in there.”

“Will do,” Brian said, disappearing down the hall.

Justin picked up Duchess and placed her on top of his round stomach. Duchess began to purr and as soon as she did the baby began to move around. “You hear Duchess, Baby?”

Duchess didn’t exactly understand what was going inside of Justin, but it was the same thing as before he went away. She could hear a fast heart beat and the normal sound of her boy’s slower heart beat. His stomach felt like it was vibrating though, and she wasn’t sure if that was okay. She looked up at Justin and meowed.

“You feel the baby moving?” Justin asked the kitten.

Happy that Justin was calm Duchess purred again and placed her head on Justin’s stomach.

“You’re a silly kitty,” Justin told her. “I wonder what you’re going to think of the baby when it gets here.”

“She’s going to be a jealous cat,” Brian joked, entering the living room.

“Oh My God!” Justin gasped as he saw the two large presents Brian carried toward him.

“I have a few others but those are for after the cake.”

“More?” Justin placed Duchess beside him and reached for the largest box. “Where did you hide all of these?”

“Under the bed,” Brian said proudly. “I actually ordered these two for you for Christmas but it took a long time to get them delivered. You were taking a bath last week when these came.” He handed the smaller box to Justin and placed the other one by his feet. “Go ahead,” he encouraged, aiming the camera at Justin so he could capture his face.

Justin quickly tore the blue paper off the box and shrieked, "Wow!”

Brian laughed at Justin’s outburst and took a picture of Justin’s face, his mouth hanging open. “You like?”

“A Sony Cyber-Shot Digital Still Camera!” Justin gasped. “I can’t believe they actually let you get this!”

Brian shrugged. “I thought that they wouldn’t.”

“This is the kind of camera you use a cord and it will go on the computer. I saw it in the electronics catalog and it was really expensive.”

“Well, I’m just glad it got here. Now, go on and open it so I can use it for your next gift.”

Brian helped Justin get the camera working, posing for a few shots as he tried it out. “Okay, enough pictures of me,” he said, grabbing the camera. “Open that present.”

Justin tore away the red paper from the next box and nearly cried at what he saw. “Brian,” he whispered in awe. “You got me an easel and it’s…”

“I know it’s small. And after what you painted on the baby’s wall and from what I’ve seen of your sketches and your chalk drawings, I thought you could…”

Justin grabbed Brian’s arm and tugged him down into a kiss. “It’s perfect, Brian. Thank you.”

“I got you some stuff to go with it, but you’ll have to wait until after dinner to see it all.”

Justin stood up, aimed his new camera at them and took a picture of the passionate kiss he gave Brian.

***

After they ate pizza, Justin opened his other presents. He was delighted by each one. Brian had bought him six canvases, acrylic paints (with the promise of getting oils for him once he wasn’t pregnant and it was safe for him to use them with turpentine), and a new set of charcoals, chalks and two large sketch pads. After he opened his gifts, Brian asked Justin what he wanted to do and Justin immediately chose playing the new board game Brian got him for Christmas.

“What do you think you'd be doing if you weren't here?" Justin asked Brian.

Brian looked across the table and laughed. "I certainly wouldn't be playing 'The Game of Life' that's for sure." He said spinning the wheel. "I probably never would have even heard of the game."

Justin stopped the spinning wheel with his hand.

"Hey," Brian protested. "I could have had my stock number, and now I got a two."

Justin smiled a little and grabbed the hand of Brian's closest to him. "I'm serious, Brian. What would you be doing?”

Brian sighed. "Well you would have beat me anyway. You always seem to get a hundred of those life tiles and end up way ahead of me." He stood up from the dining table and took Justin's hand pulling Justin to stand. “I’ll tell you what I’d like to do right now,” he whispered, peppering kisses along Justin’s neck. The last thing he wanted to think of was home when he was happy. It instantly brought him down.

"Can you just answer the question, Brian?" Justin asked getting frustrated. He extracted himself from Brian and sat down on the couch.

Brian felt helpless as he watched Justin curl his legs up to his belly and begin to cry. When Justin had been pregnant before, he hadn't had many of the typical symptoms of pregnancy, but this time, his mood swings were constant. The normal stress of pregnancy combined with the despair Justin felt about Beacon's death, the constant worrying about their situation, pretty much meant that Justin was crying one minute and laughing the next.

Brian didn't know what to do. Justin seemed to be in another world half the time he was awake. He'd come up with silly questions all the time, always had. But more frequently Justin was asking him questions about life outside of what he looked at as life inside captivity. They were like animals being watched for entertainment, fed, entertained and bred for their kidnappers’ sick purpose. Thoughts of home only made it harder for him to ignore these facts.

Brian walked over to Justin and softly asked, "Can I sit down?”

Justin wiped his tears and glared at Brian. "Not if you're going to make fun of me."

Brian sat down anyway and put his arms around the reluctant blond. "I wasn't making fun of you, Justin."

"You were ignoring me," Justin snapped and tried to pull away from Brian. "I just wanted to talk to you! You were trying to divert my attention away from the question.” Justin stood up from the sofa and ran down the hall, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Brian waited a few minutes, hoping Justin would calm down before going in search of his pregnant lover. Whenever Justin was hurting he tried his best to soothe him. But he also knew that a few minutes of space was sometimes all Justin needed to get over what was bothering him.

"You could have at least knocked!" Justin growled, glaring up at Brian from the sofa in their bedroom.

"This is my room too," Brian replied, walking over to Justin.

"It was my fucking room first! So you can just... get... the... fuck... out!"

Brian halted his footsteps and flinched at the wild look in Justin's eyes. “Justin?" Brian gasped out his name as though he truly were not sure if it was his lover sitting there. It had been such a nice day and now Justin was screaming at him in a way he’d never done before. He dropped to his knees in front of Justin and held his hands. “Whatever I did or said, Justin, I'm sorry," Brian spoke emotionally.

"I know I'm naive about a lot of things, Brian, but I'm not stupid. You don't have to try and manipulate me so that I forget about you answering a simple question."

"Justin I don't..."

Justin cut him off, "You don't what, Brian? You don't think I can understand a sentence? All you had to say was that you didn't want to talk about it. Or that you didn't want to answer the fucking question. I'm sure it gets really annoying having to answer all my dumb questions about that world. I know I probably wouldn't be able to survive outside of these walls from what I remember about real life. If it weren't for you teaching me and telling me things about it. But you don't have to act like I'm a fucking child." Justin took his hands out of Brian's grasp and then put them on top of Brian's. "I'm not a child anymore, Brian." He looked directly into his lover's glistening brown eyes. "I've given birth to one. And I'm pregnant with another. So if I ask a fucking question, then fucking answer it or tell me that you don't want to, is that underfuckingstood?"

Brian blinked his eyes twice and looked at Justin’s hands resting on top of his own, comforting him. He allowed the tears in his eyes to fall down his face before he looked back up at Justin. When he did, he felt as though he was looking at his lover for the first time. He couldn't explain what was different; what he hadn't seen only minutes before, but there was a different kind of aura around Justin.

Brian felt his stomach clench as he remembered the fight they’d had before Justin had the miscarriage, it had practically been about the same thing. He circled his arms around Justin’s waist, placed his face against Justin's belly and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. You aren’t a child, I know that. I really do. You're the smartest and strongest person I know and I love you so much."

Justin carded his fingers through Brian’s hair and asked, "You don't think that I'm stupid because I can't remember much about being in the real world?”

Brian lifted his head up and looked into Justin's eyes while he moved to sit beside him and took Justin into his arms. "I don't think you're stupid, Justin. You have taught me so much, and you're so very wrong about being out there. You'd survive just fine out there without me. It's me that wouldn't survive without you," Brian told him. "I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like I was manipulating you. Never would I want to do that to you. I know you're not a child, Justin. Believe me, I do. And I fucking love everything about you, just the way you are."

Justin turned his head to kiss Brian gently on the mouth. "I'm sorry for freaking out, Brian. I didn't mean to get so mad. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m out my mind the moment I get angry."

Brian nodded his head and smiled a little. "I want to answer your question if you'll ask me again."

Justin stiffened a little. "I told you, you don't have to."

"I want to," Brian told him firmly. He realized now, more than ever that he was the only contact Justin had to the outside world and he needed to indulge him with whatever piece of it he could give him. "Ask me again," he said, urging Justin on.

Justin took a deep breath and twined his fingers with Brian's. "I asked, what do you think you would be doing if you weren't here?”

Brian smiled. Before the answer seemed to have many scary impossible possibilities, depending on the circumstances he could have answered many different ways. But right now, as he held Justin against him, he knew exactly what the answer was.

He nuzzled his face into Justin's hair and took a deep breath of the calming scent. "That's easy," he whispered. "I'd be thinking that my life was missing a whole lot."

The reason Justin always asked Brian so many questions was not because he was the only one he had to talk to, or because he loved to hear Brian talk, and it wasn't because he knew that Brian would give him a reassuring answer. It was because no matter what Justin asked of Brian, when Brian did answer, it was the truth.

***

Wednesday, February 4, 1998

Brian sat next to Justin on the couch, his arms slung around Justin's shoulders. He didn't dream of telling Justin that his elbow had been digging into his stomach for the last hour. He was happy to have Justin in his arms for such a long period of time. It didn’t matter that it had been months since he had Justin back, he couldn’t get enough of Justin.

Justin shifted his body and brought his right leg up over both of Brian's legs and then propped his left foot up on the coffee table. Brian let out a long breath, thankful that Justin had moved. He could deal with his legs probably falling asleep instead of being elbowed in his gut. "Let's get to the name choosing," Brian prompted Justin to read the baby book he had opened on his stomach.

"Ooh, just a second. He is moving right now, and he's not in a good place."

Brian put one hand on top of Justin's big belly. With the pregnancy at about nineteen weeks along Brian couldn't feel much movement and longed for the day to come that he did. "You should stop calling the baby a 'he',” Brian said smirking. “If it’s a girl and you get into the habit of calling it a ‘he’ when she’s here, you’ll confuse her.”

Justin laughed. "Well calling the baby ‘it’ just doesn’t seem right anymore, not now that I can feel the baby moving. Besides, we’re choosing names now, so we can look for a unisex name if you want.”

Brian thought about how they'd always referred to Beacon as 'B' because the girl name they'd chosen had been Beatha. "Why don't we call the baby, B? Just like we did last time?"

Justin turned away from Brian. "If this child is a boy, I'm not calling him Beacan, Brian."

Brian turned Justin's face to look at him. "I wouldn't want to do that. We have a child named Beacan, there won't be another with his name," Brian said firmly.

Justin nodded and cleared his throat. "But you still want the baby to be a 'B'?" Justin asked, flipping to Justin's 'B' names in the book.

"Well, yeah... I mean didn't we like that one name...oh, what was it?" Brian said peering down at the book.

Justin skimmed the pages of the Irish, Gaelic and Celtic names. "Bedwyr, Bendigeigfran,” Justin began to rattle off a few of the names as he read. Finally he found what he was looking for. "Bevyn!" Justin exclaimed and looked at Brian. "That's the other name we liked. Isn’t it, Brian?"

"Yeah, Justin. But read the meaning again.”

"Okay but wait," Justin looked at the names. "There's three ways of spelling it, 'en', 'in', or ‘yn’."

Brian laughed. "I liked the 'yn', before I think."

"Yeah... me too." Justin gave Brian an open-mouthed kiss to the side of Brian's neck directly in the spot that always made Brian hard.

Brian let out a low growl and moved his hands to Justin's arms. "If you want to pick out a baby name, you'd better not do that."

Justin’s cheeks flushed and he moaned at the lustful stare Brian was giving him. He attempted to get them back on track. "Okay, Bevyn...with a 'y'. It is used in Gaelic, Celtic and Irish families and means, young solider or valiant survivor."

"I definitely like that if B's a boy." Brian said. "What about you?"

"I like that too. But what about the girl name?" Justin asked Brian.

"Well, I thought we'd keep Beatha. It meant life's light, from what I remember."

"And delicate." Justin added. "I think that's a great idea. Saves us the time of looking through a thousand girl names."

"And what will we do with our spare time?" Brian thrust his hips up nearly jolting Justin from his lap if he hadn't had his arms around him.

Justin untangled himself from Brian, eager to get naked. “Come on,” he said, beckoning Brian to follow him down the hall. He quickly shucked his sweats and tee and climbed onto the bed just as Brian entered the bedroom.

"It seems someone is very inventive concerning the ways in which to pass time," Brian said giving Justin a lustful leer.

Justin stroked his hard dick for a moment before he turned onto his hands and knees. "Come fuck me, Brian," he whispered, turning his head to look at Brian, who was undressing in a flourish.

Brian lubed himself and Justin and pushed inside his lover. He pulled Justin up and to sit on his lap and coaxed his arms to brace himself against the headboard. "How do you want it?” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear.

Justin moaned as Brian swiveled his hips, in turn brushing against his prostate. "I want it hard,” he answered, moaning as he ground hard against Brian.

Brian gave Justin exactly what he asked for. He fucked him hard, but kept it gentle enough to assure his comfort. He kept the fuck going for a long time, stalling whenever he felt himself for Justin getting close to the edge. Justin’s body was shuddering uncontrollably, barely able to support himself and begging Brian to let him come in words that were barely discernible. Brian finally slammed into Justin’s tight depths in quick jabs, aiming for Justin’s prostate as his hand worked around Justin’s dick, allowing Justin’s release and then his own.

Brian carefully pulled out of Justin and rolled onto his back, trying to catch his breath. He gazed at Justin who curled into his side, his stomach nudging Brian’s hip. “You okay?” he asked.

Justin nodded and blinked sleepily at Brian. “Wonderfully exhausted,” he assured and closed his eyes.

Brian fell asleep a few moments later to the sound of Justin’s deep snoring.

***

Brian jerked awake as he heard Justin gagging beside him. “Justin?” he asked, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I'm going to be sick," Justin spoke, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Brian immediately grabbed the trash can from beside the bed and held it out under Justin’s mouth. “It’s all right,” he comforted, rubbing Justin’s back with his free hand.

“I hate throwing up!” Justin moaned just before puking.

Brian continued to rub Justin’s back and felt extremely guilty, thinking he’d caused Justin to feel sick from the way he worked his body when they’d fucked earlier. Brian started to feel queasy watching and smelling it and had to force himself to look away. He’d seen Justin vomit many times but it had never bothered him before. He hoped that the caviar he’d eaten for lunch, which Justin had said smelled bad, hadn’t given him food poisoning. He had thought it smelled fine, which made Brian think it was just his lover’s over-sensitive nose. But now… now he was pretty sure it had to be bad because he was on the verge of throwing up too.

"Brian, take this please,” Justin asked, pushing the trash can toward Brian. "I'm done. I just need a minute before I get up."

Brian looked up at Justin with concern as he felt his stomach turning over and over within him. "Oh... Sorry," he whispered, feeling a sweat break out upon his naked body as he took the trash can and stood up to empty it.

Justin reached over to the nightstand and grabbed some tissues to wipe his mouth with. When he looked back at Brian he noticed Brian hadn't moved and his skin had gotten very pale. "Brian, are you okay?" Justin asked worriedly.

The room spun and Brian fell to his knees, getting the waste can under his mouth just in time.

Justin held the longer strands of Brian’s hair away from his face and rubbed his back. “It’s okay,” he comforted him. Justin had never seen Brian sick before, especially not in reaction to him getting sick.

"Fucking sushi!" Brian yelled in between bouts of sick.

"Oh, Brian." Justin chastised softly. "You should have listened to me." He didn't like to wonder about what would happen if Brian did become truly sick from the food poisoning and in need of hospital care.

Brian lifted his head out of the bucket. "I... I... need a shower," he said standing carefully on shaky limbs. “Are you okay?”

Justin loved Brian so much for asking that when he himself wasn’t okay. “I’m fine, Brian. It was just the pregnancy queasiness, I’m sure.”

"Can you make it there by yourself?" Justin asked when he saw Brian's step falter as he reached the doorway.

Brian rubbed his face and looked through his blurry eyes. "Yeah, could you change the sheets and then come help me out."

Justin felt an icy wave of fear pass through each nerve in his body. Brian only asked for help in the shower when it came to them having sex, which was obviously not the case this time. "Sure, Brian. Just give me a moment to calm myself down, make the bed and I'll join you."

"Okay," Brian replied so quietly that Justin could barely hear him.

Justin watched to make sure Brian made it down the hallway. He stood still as he listened, until Brian turned the water in the shower on. He changed the sheets and set up Brian's pillows so the man could climb back into bed as soon as they were done in the shower.

When Justin entered the bathroom Brian was sitting in the bottom of the tub letting the water pour down on him. "Brian?" Justin unintentionally startled the wet man.

Brian looked up, and he swore there were two Justin’s until he blinked a few times and his vision cleared. "I threw up again," he confessed to his lover and then looked down at the drain.

Justin stepped inside the tub and carefully squatted down behind Brian. "I'm going to wash your hair and body, do the same for me and then I'll help you into bed, okay?"

"K." Brian felt like his throat was on fire. Not wanting to worry Justin he hadn’t told him the complete truth. In the ten minutes he'd been in the shower, he'd thrown up constantly until a minute before Justin came into the bathroom. The last had been all bile and he nearly started to dry heave but had forced himself not to. He was thankful it had all gone down the drain before Justin had seen it. It was bad enough that he had to have his pregnant lover care for him at all.

Justin quickly washed Brian and then himself when he realized Brian could barely raise his arms without wincing in pain. Whatever it was that was making Brian sick, it seemed like it was attacking more than just his stomach. He grabbed their toothbrushes off the sink vanity so they could brush their teeth while in the shower, prompting Brian to open his mouth so he could help him.

Brian was grateful to get the disgusting copper taste out of his mouth. "Thanks," he whispered hoarsely as Justin finished. Using every ounce of strength he could, he pulled himself out the tub and put on his robe. He allowed Justin to dry his hair with a towel and didn't protest as his lover tucked him into his bed. He could see Justin crawling up onto the bed himself, and fell asleep the second Justin's head rested against his terry cloth covered chest.

Justin hugged Brian to his body. Hoping that Brian's health would be better after he took a nap, now that he'd gotten all the bad food out of his system. He had never seen Brian so sick and couldn’t believe how quickly it hit him, which kept making Justin think it was more than food poisoning. Justin didn’t want to think Brian had somehow gotten sick with some virus or bug, he didn’t ever want Brian taken from him and he knew where they would put him until he got better. It was a place he never wanted Brian to experience. Things had been so happy only hours before and Justin had to force his mind to think positively as he fell asleep, holding Brian tight.