A Captivating Coupling

Chapter 9: Brian

Tuesday, September 2, 1997

“Ahh!” Justin felt the tingles in his balls the second Brian said the words to him. It had become an addiction, after that first time. He’d tried to hold off his orgasm but Brian continued to say hot, sweet and dirty words; some of the words he hadn’t ever heard before, but they triggered a place deep inside him that Brian unleashed.

Giving up on holding back, Justin gave his dick one last tug as Brian lurched into him from behind, the pressure inside him released immediately. Justin came like he never had before; his cum splattered onto the sheets below him, up on to his chest and a little hit his face, just under his lips. He collapsed onto his shoulders and head when Brian came, jerking his body forward with his weight.

There were times when he couldn’t stop thinking about being outside, couldn’t stop wanting to smell rain, to be warmed by sun or chilled by the wind. But when Brian fucked him and brought him completely to a place made just for them; it was their sexual need and heat that became the sun, their sweat and sloppy kisses that became the rain and Brian’s breath pushing around the hairs at the nape of Justin neck, that became the wind on their post-passion, cooling bodies.

“Are, are you alright?” Brian asked in a throaty whisper, slowly pulling himself from Justin’s body and assessing Justin’s red entrance once he did.

Justin turned so he lay on his side and nodded at his beautiful lover. “I’m wonderful,” he replied. “Sore, but in a good way.”

Brian lay down beside Justin and gave him a small kiss; he whispered against his lips, “That was the hottest thing I have ever seen.” His fingers graced Justin’s still-sweating forehead and carefully looked Justin over; instantly he saw that Justin was exhausted. “I didn’t hurt you or the baby with my over-zealous fucking, did I?”

“No, I’m a little crampy, but that always happens after we have sex,” Justin assured Brian and patted his stomach. The cramping seemed more persistent and the baby moved around much more than it usually did during and after intercourse, but he didn’t want to worry Brian. Justin had read that at this time in his pregnancy he would feel the baby being much more active than ever before.

“I think we need to keep those words for special occasions,” Brian joked, breaking the serious silence that had momentarily loomed between them. “I think your reaction drained my balls completely and we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

Justin let out a guttural laugh and was about to respond in with his own joke when a particularly painful cramp clawed at his stomach and then around to his back. He grabbed his stomach, shut his eyes and breathed deeply until it passed. When he opened them again, he saw Brian’s smile was gone and his eyes were wide with worry.

“What was that?” Brian asked in a fake-calm voice.

“Just the cramps I get,” Justin said, irritated from the pain that now had finally lessened and from Brian’s stern stare.

“Are you sure you are okay, Justin? Remember that you promised me that you would tell me if you weren’t. I don’t want to have to find out that you’ve been fucking me and hurting yourself, just because you think that I want to fuck all the time,” Brian warned.

Brian’s tone of voice and condescending attitude was not what Justin needed at the moment that another cramp, not as strong as the last, but still painful, hit him again. “Fuck, Brian!” Justin pushed himself into a sitting position, despite the discomfort and glared down at his lover. “I’m not lying, okay. I’m fine! The baby is fine. Every time we fuck I get cramps because you have a big penis and my body doesn’t like it when it’s suddenly removed from my body. Since I’ve become pregnant, the cramps are a little more intense, but still, they’re nothing new!”

Brian sat up and placed his hand on Justin’s naked shoulder and apologized, “I’m sorry, okay? I just get so scared about your pregnancy, Justin. We don’t have real medical care, not like they do in the real world. No matter how much you think you know about sex and having babies, you don’t know what I know about sex and you don’t know what a doctor knows about babies. You’re so young and the books said that if you don’t take care of yourself it could be…”

“Can you fucking lay off of me for a minute, Brian?” Justin asked, feeling the rise of anger burn into his body along with another cramp. He swung his legs to the side of the bed, hopped down and started to pull back on his sweats. “I’m young, but I’m not a child and I don’t like you talking to me like I am. I know that I’m practically handicapped where some of the emotional stuff comes in, but I know how to read. I’ve read all those fucking baby books too! I’ve read some of them more than once.”

“Can you blame me for being worried?” Brian asked.

Justin put his hands on his hips and glared daggers at Brian. “Yes, I can. It’s one thing to be worried; it’s another thing to act like I’m a little kid. You act like you know so much more than I do, but you don’t!”

“Calm down,” Brian tried to speak gently. “You’re not supposed to get stressed out. That’s my baby too and I have a right to be worried, when a teenager who didn’t know what sex was until a few months ago, is carrying it!” Brian put a hand over his mouth as soon as he spoke his last word.

He did not know what on Earth had possessed him to say what he had. It made him sound childish, not Justin. He could’ve just let Justin cool off; he knew the pregnancy hormones were making Justin snappy. Brian cursed himself for not just letting Justin have his say and do his best to calmly make peace and show him that he cared without doing exactly what Justin thought he did to him. He was belittling him.

Justin spun on his heel and walked toward the bedroom door. His nerves were on edge, his emotions were at the surface of his skin and he could feel himself shaking from Brian’s doubts, from the truth in Brian’s words. Feeling both angry at Brian and ashamed of himself, the conflicting emotions brought so much pain that he could barely feel the cramps anymore. “Do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone, Brian,” Justin forced out in a desperate plea, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Brian had no idea what to do. He wanted to rush after Justin, really apologize and try to make up to Justin. He was sure though, that if he didn’t respect Justin’s wishes, at least for a little while, and give Justin some time alone, it would only make things worse. Tired from their sex and their fighting, Brian put his head onto Justin’s pillow lay down. After many conversations and lack of a real plan, sleep won out and calmed Brian’s thoughts, the smell of his lover surrounding him.

Justin however was not peaceful and no longer tired. He was riled up from confusion, hurt and resentment. He couldn’t stand that Brian saw him as a child and always second-guessed him. He was having a baby and he thought that alone should make him an adult! How Brian could act like he would do something to hurt their baby on purpose was beyond Justin.

After letting Duchess out of the nursery, where he and Brian had accidently locked her in, Justin sat on the couch with her and pet her, hoping that it would calm him down. Duchess’ purr usually soothed Justin when he was upset, but after a half hour of petting her, he was still angry and hadn’t calmed down at all.

In fact, he’d only managed to divulge to the cat all of his issues with Brian and he used all the bad words that he knew he wasn’t supposed to say. It felt good to defy Brian in that manner and he wanted more of the payback feeling. He suddenly remembered the one thing that Brian had told Justin that he wasn’t ever to do because ‘he wasn’t old enough yet’ to do it.

Stopping his pacing, and with a devious smile on his face Justin went into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator and pulled open the bottom drawer. There, underneath the lunch meat he found what he was looking for.

Justin had read that a glass of wine or two was thought to be good for a pregnant person and would calm them down. Well, Brian had told Justin to stay away from the bottle because he didn’t think Justin could handle it and because he wasn’t old enough. Justin never said anything, but it pissed him off that Brian drank it all the time to relax and he liked the taste of Brian’s mouth after he drank it and didn’t see much of a change in the man. He didn’t think that there was any reason why he couldn’t be an adult and have some to relax to.

Justin wanted to relax so that the cramps would finally dissipate. Thinking about Brian’s words made him hurt more and he wanted it all to stop, plus it would be good revenge to show Brian that he could handle it. Justin didn’t give two shits if he was underage; he was a fucking captive and could do what he wanted. Plus, he recalled that the midwife book he’d just read had stated that it helped ease cramps too.

Justin got a tall glass, the closest one that looked like one his Mommy used, and poured the liquid into it, filling it to the brim. He didn’t like the taste at first, it tasted much better mixed with Brian’s mouth, but after the first few drinks he did realize that it started to make him relax and the initial burn turned into fuzzy warmth that ran through his entire body.

He took the bottle and glass with him into the living room and sat down on the carpet and started to watch the television. When he finished the first glass, Justin felt happy and definitely thought it was working and he knew that he could handle it. He poured a little more from the bottle and started drinking it as he watched “The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” video.

Duchess watched her boy worriedly. After trying to distract him and get him to pet her for the fifth time, only to have him swat her away, she gave up and walked down the hall to the bedroom. She scratched at the bedroom door and meowed over and over, hoping that the tall man would answer the door and help her boy.

Duchess nearly exhausted herself, to no avail, and raced back into the living room. She hopped up on the couch and looked down at her boy while constantly letting out worried mewls that were ignored.

As Tommy rescued Kimberly from the bone yard dinosaur, Justin let out a loud laugh at the silliness of the scene and decided he was definitely feeling better. As a matter of fact; he really wasn’t feeling anything at all. His entire body felt lazy and numb and he feeling comfortable enough to turn and lay on his stomach to watch the television, something he missed doing since his belly started growing.

After the movie ended, Justin felt bored and quite horny and his cock was aching and his body felt so warm. He started to get up so he could jerk it, but when he tried to get move his muscles felt too weak and he fell back down to the floor. Instead he just started to rub himself against the floor. At the right angle he could feel the carpet fibers massaging his dick through the sweats and he started to hump himself faster and faster on the floor, creating delicious friction as the world disappeared from his conscious thinking.

***

Brian woke up to the sound of the TV ‘snowing’ and he could hear Justin moaning loudly. He smiled, thinking about Justin lying on the couch masturbating and probably thinking of him and the sex they’d shared a few hours before. This made his cock immediately jump to attention. Not bothering with clothes, intent upon luring Justin into the bedroom, Brian quickly hurried out of their room and down the hall; their earlier fight forgotten. Duchess was immediately at his heels, whining and telling Brian that her boy was in trouble, but Brian ignored the cat too.

When he reached the living room it took him a second to take the scene in. And then, his erection was forgotten. He rushed to Justin and crouched down next to the squirming boy, his foot hitting and spilling the contents left in the glass beside his nearly passed out lover. “Justin!” Brian screamed, turning him over onto his back.

Justin jumped and looked up at Brian. “Wadda vu wan?”

Brian was panicking from the site of the blood covering Justin’s pants and the floor under him. He reached under Justin’s arms and pulled Justin back to lean against him. “Help!” Brian screamed, looking up toward the camera above the kitchen’s bar. “Help!”

“Bwii,” Justin mumbled, trying to keep his eyes open. “Hurss.”

“Help!” Brian screamed again and then looked back down at Justin. “Are you insane? You are fucking pregnant, you can‘t be fucking drinking and, and lying on your stomach. What did you do?” Brian yelled in panic. “You’re bleeding, baby!”

“Vat? Fuck Vou! Imanot a baba!” Justin yelled and pushed away from Brian and got onto his hands and knees.

Brian was frozen in horror and had no idea what to do other than continue to scream for help. “Help us!” he yelled, as he went after Justin and tried to pick him up. “Come here,” Brian said, “they have to see that you’re hurt, Justin.” He thought that maybe where Justin was the camera in the living room wasn’t picking him up so he pulled Justin up and tried to get him in view to the one near the kitchen. “Help us!”

Justin pushed Brian away from him and felt the room spin and grabbed onto the bar. “I hate you,” he told Brian in a straight voice, staring right at him.

Those words had come out clear and Brian felt like he’d been shot in the heart; but there was much more to be worried about than those words right then. He followed after Justin and stood in front of him, trying to get Justin to let him help him. “Justin, you have to sit down, you have to sit down in front of the camera so they can see you need help. They can’t see you right there,” he explained desperately, fighting off waves of nausea when he saw Justin’s blood smeared stomach. “Please, Justin,” he begged.

“No!” Justin shouted using all the strength he could to push Brian away when he came closer to him.

Duchess circled around the man and boy nervously, meowing and purring in distress. When Brian accidently kicked her, Duchess decided she’d had enough and ran to hide in the bedroom.

“Justin, you and the baby are hurt,” Brian choked out, his eyes spilling forth the tears he’d tried to keep from falling. “Let me help you if they won’t,” he pleaded.

Justin looked at Brian through his blurry gaze and momentarily forgot how mad he had been and wondered why Brian crying. He tried to step toward the man but a pain shot through his back and up his stomach and chest and he could hardly stand the pain. He collapsed onto his ass, hitting the tile floor hard. He was next to the garbage can and immediately stuck his face in it and started to puke up his stomach’s contents as more pain ripped through his body.

“Justin!” Brian yelled in horror, falling to his knees behind Justin. He looked up at the camera they were now in direct line of site with and waved one arm and yelled, “Help us! Justin’s hurt! The baby is hurt!”

“Brian!” Justin spoke in panic, looking up in a daze at Brian. He gripped his lover’s hand and stared into his hazel eyes and asked, “What happened?”

“Fuck, Justin…. You….you don’t know?” Brian asked in fear.

“Brian help me, it fucking hurts!” Justin moaned in agony, feeling his body jerk from spasms inside him. “What, what happened to me? What’s wrong with the baby?” he sobbed. The intense pain he was in had instantly sobered him up but he still felt as though he was hallucinating.

“Shh…. Shh…” Brian smoothed Justin’s hair back from his face. “They’ll come,” he promised Justin, getting more terrified from the pool of blood that began to surround them. “Someone help!” Brian shouted.

“Briiiiiannnnn!” Justin yelled as he started to shake uncontrollably in Brian’s arms.

It looked as though Justin were having a seizure and Brian felt completely helpless. He didn’t know what to do and grew even more terrified as Justin’s eyes began to roll back into his head and his coloring became completely ashen. “Fuck, no….no….no… don’t do that, I’m here, Justin. I’m here.”

“Hurttttss…” Justin gasped, his hips rocking as stabbing pains rippled within him.

“No…no….no…no…no…God!” Brian yelled as he gathered his lover close to him. “Help, fucking help us!” he screeched.

Another pain cracked through Justin’s body and he felt a large amount of pressure inside him and then it was released in a torrent of throbbing, pains. This caused his eyes to bolt open and his mouth emitted a loud moan. He couldn’t think straight for more than a few minutes and he couldn’t form the words to tell Brian how he needed to be helped, he kept forgetting what was happening.

“Please help us!!!!” Brian sobbed, staring up at the camera.

“What’s… what’s happen…” Justin asked his hands clutched his moving stomach.

“You’re hurt, Justin. Fuck, I don’t know what to do! I don’t know!” Brian cried.

The pain was momentarily ebbing and allowed Justin a moment of clarity, though he could barely focus his gaze on Brian’s face. “Am, am I bleeding?” Justin asked through clenched teeth.

“Yes,” Brian admitted. “I don’t know what to do, Justin, I’m sorry. I don’t know if they are coming to help us. I think I need to look at you and see if I can help you,” Brian exclaimed, trying to sound stronger than he was.

“Yes…” Justin breathed through the pain moved around.

Brian propped up against the back of the bar. “Can you hold yourself there and I’ll take off your pants?”

“I think I’m having the baby, Brian,” Justin said right before another shock jolted inside him.

“I… I think so too,” Brian said as he stripped Justin’s bloody sweats from his body. He had to distance himself from what all the liquid actually was, what it meant, because otherwise there was no way that Brian could help his love.

Justin’s head lolled back and forth and he gasped and panted while he looked around them. “There…there’s…so much blood, Br…Brian.” He reached out to grab Brian’s hand as the instinctual urge to push came upon him. Justin had never felt so much pain in his life, he felt like he was being ripped open with fire coated forceps. “Brian!” he screamed as quickly another pain seared him.

“Oh god, Justin!” Brian screamed as he forced Justin’s legs apart and up toward his stomach. He could clearly see that Justin was stretched widely and the tangled feet of their baby was coming first. Brian was completely lost, he had no idea what to do and the baby coming early was horrible for the baby but it being delivered breech could kill Justin.

“Help us, you mother fuckers!” he yelled, waving frantically at the cameras once again. “Help us!!!!!”

“Brian….c…can you s…s..see the baby?” Justin asked hopefully, his eyes closing and grip on Brian’s hand slacking. Before Brian could answer him he felt the greatest of all the pain and such an intense pressure pummeled his core that it caused him to scream his lover’s name into unconsciousness.

Completely stunned and grief-panic-shocked stricken, Brian knelt in between Justin’s legs frozen, holding the too tiny newborn in his blood covered hands. He could see every organ and vein in the little boy’s body. His eyelids were so thin that you could see the eye balls perfectly and the umbilical cord was still connected somewhere inside Justin’s body and attached to the tiniest stomach Brian had ever seen. However it was also wrapped around and around the baby’s neck. Nothing on the baby was visibly moving.

Brian gazed in absolute horror as he realized that the child’s heart wasn’t beating. Brian sprung into action and unwound the spongy cord from around the small, fragile neck and saw no change in his child’s breathing or beating of his heart, even though the baby seemed to jerk and give tiny movements. All the young father could do was hold his lifeless child, his son, to his chest as he screamed for help but was sure none was coming.

He looked at Justin laying in what was a sea of blood now. He had to help him, but didn’t know what to really do. Brian first grabbed a knife and cut the umbilical cord, it didn’t seem that the placenta was coming out on it‘s own and he wouldn’t entertain the thought of why that was.

He held the child in one hand as he checked to see if Justin was still breathing. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he was, but knew that Justin’s breaths were very shallow and barely perceptible. Brian pulled his unconscious lover into his arms and held him against his body. He moved Justin’s arms and placed the baby in them.

Brian’s mind was at a loss with grief and shock, but he knew he had to give Justin this. His hands moved Justin’s to make him hold their baby. “This is your daddy, Sonny-boy,” he cried. “I’m… I’m your daddy too… we…we…both love you. l…l…love you very much. We’re going to miss you so...soooo much! It…it….wasn’t supposed to be like this, baby boy. Something happened and we didn’t know, what, what, to do. Oh god,” he wept. “Sonny-boy, me and daddy wanted you so much.”

All the dreams and hopes he had for his child were gone. All the hopes he had for him and Justin to become a family once they were rescued were dashed. Brian was so fucking alone, and so scared but had no fucking clue what he could do to help but continue to scream for some. “Help!!!!” he cried, holding the two blond boys he loved so much close to him. “Help them!”

The next second he heard the outer door open and within seconds six men dressed in black from head to toe with ski masks on their faces, one of whom carried an orange stretcher, entered the apartment.

“Get away from them,” one of the men ordered Brian. “We’re taking them with us!”

Brian held tighter to his lover and child. “No!” he gasped, realizing that he wasn’t going to be going with them.

“We are here to help,” another man said and pointed his gun at Brian. “Now move away or I will shoot you!”

Brian moved from behind Justin and placed him carefully on the floor and took the child back into his arms. “Where were you when I called for help?” he screamed, standing up.

None of the men answered. They just pushed Brian out of the way and started to move Justin onto the stretcher. “Where are you taking him?” Brian asked, cradling his child protectively against his chest. He went closer and started to kiss Justin’s face and whispered, “I love you, baby.”

The man with the gun moved Brian out of the way forcefully. “Get away from him!”

“Where are you taking him?” Brian shouted again, but received no answer except the pistol being shoved in his face.

“The child, place him on his chest,” another man pointing a gun ordered.

Brian shook his head no but then the man turned the pistol and pointed it at Justin’s head. “No,” Brian shouted, tears were nothing new to his cheeks at this point; they fell upon them in a constant waterfall of pain. Brian looked at the tall man in the mask and shook his head in despair. He kissed his child’s soft forehead and lips before setting him down onto Justin’s chest.

He watched in a daze as the men pinned Justin’s arm across their child with a strap and lifted the gurney in the air. The gun was ever present against his lover’s blood soaked hair. The sight was sickening and gruesome.

Brian held Justin’s free hand and looked at his child one last time before they took them away from him. When the door shut, Brian could do nothing but curl up in a tight ball against the corner of doorway and sob. His lovers, and son’s life-blood stained his skin, the only thing to wash away the traces were the tears of sorrow and grief that did nothing to cleanse his mind as he sobbed his way into the darkness of sleep.

***

The first hour that Justin and his baby, his son, were gone, Brian's face was smashed against the door. It looked almost like he was trying to peer through it. His eyes remained open, but he wasn't seeing a thing. His fears and hopes were blinding him, beating through his brain and crushing any rationale or reality.

Shock was too nice of a word for what the man felt; though that seemed to be the state he was in. Devastation would describe where Brian’s mind was more accurately, but that was even not enough of an emotion. Pain. The simplicity of that word was the extravagance of his being.

When Brian's legs could no longer hold the position he fell to his left side, the impact jarring him from his unreality.

***

Brian’s P.O.V.

I don't see the fall; only feel the well-received pain on the left side of my face. I can barely move my legs, my limbs are numb and I'm not really sure why. I'm so fucking disoriented. I bring my hand up to my face and I'm startled to see it's covered in blood.

I don't really feel hurt anywhere else, but then again I don't really feel my body. I force myself to flip over onto my stomach and I have to close my eyes because I'm dizzy from the movement. When I open them I take in the disaster in the kitchen. And that's when every thing pummels me, no matter how tight I close my eyes, I can’t stop the reality from pushing its way into my conscious mind.

My eyes shoot open and I can't catch my breath. I bolt upright and look again toward the kitchen, toward the blood all over the floor, and the smaller spot seeping into the carpet in the living room. That's my lover's blood! My...my...my child's blood!

My heart feels like it might beat out of my chest, powered by the rage that boils from within me. Those fucking assholes that brought us here, they didn't help us! They took Justin and they let our baby die! I have no idea if Justin is okay. He was so fucking out of his mind before the baby even came all the way out. His body’s natural instincts pushed our son into this world the last little way.

The anger gives me a burst of strength, yet all I want to do is fall down and scream and cry. I want to beg ‘God’ to just tell me, tell me if Justin is all right, and tell me what happened to my baby. But in my heart, I know that our child is gone. He was gone before he ever breathed a breath of this stale air.

My stomach lurches when I try and take a deep breath. My nostrils flare begging for clean air and that only serves to beckon the rancid smell swirling throughout the apartment, to embed itself into my body. I can't stop myself from retching.

The smell of death is assaulting. It crawls slowly through anything good inside me until I am dry heaving and sobbing so loud it hurts my own ears. I’m powerless to stop it though. And right now, all I want is to die, be taken from the Earth the way my baby was and the way Justin may be.

No.. no.. that’s wrong, Justin isn’t dead. He could be all right. He will be all right. I have to believe that or I I’m as good as dead. And, if Justin is okay, if he’s alive, even if they don’t ever bring him back here, I will find him. They won’t take him away from me.

I manage to roll my body away from the mess and fall onto my back on the floor. No more crying, I tell myself. No more crying. But then, I am deaf by the silence around me.

To fill the void I start to mumble his name, “Justin. Justin. Justin.” I say it over and over, until my brain doesn't even register the sick sound of nothingness.

I am alone. But as long as my lips breathe his name I think I still have him with me. He still has a chance, even if it is with out me. “Justin.”

I feel so fucking weak. I am weak. And it seems like my entire body is moist and sticky with bodily fluids that aren't meant to be passed from one lover to the next. My naked shaking form is covered in it all. I feel used. More than ever.

“Justin.”

The skin on my bones only serves in the propaganda for the turmoil that has encompassed my life since they were taken from me.

“Justin.”

This all is weighing me down and I wonder if I could drown on the soft carpet of the living room floor. Maybe if I just lay here and starve myself I won’t have this fear, I won’t have to feel this pain. Fuck! I have to stop this way of thinking. I can’t pity myself right now.

“Justin.”

I have to stay positive. No, no, that's the wrong word. There is too much grief, guilt and fright within me to stay any one way; let alone positive. I settle on thinking of Justin again. When have I truly stopped?

“Justin.”

I think of his beauty, his voice and his passion. He loves me, those people are going to help him and he’s going to come home to me. He won't die and I don’t think they’ll let him. It would be in their best interest to keep him alive so that they can continue on with their fucking plan. Shit, but what will that be now? Will we have to do this all over again?

“Justin.”

Whatever the fuck it is. I'll go along with it. As long as I am with him. I’ll do whatever I have to do if Justin is back home.

“Justin.”

I'd take their plan right now, I'd fucking own it! Every fiber of their devious plot of torture I would embrace if it would give me Justin back!

“Justin.”

I don't want anyone but him, ever. He will be home. Here with me.

“Justin.”

I may not be able to help him from here. But if they bring him back I have to be here and be strong for him. He certainly can't come home and see me like this. I have this disgusting feeling that he won't be home for awhile. And when he does, he will probably hate me. I know that I made him upset, I should’ve stopped being over-protective when he asked me to be. I’m the adult in the relationship, but throwing that in Justin’s face only hurt him.

“Justin.”

I take the anger and guilt and push it into getting myself to move. I get up on my knees and crawl over to the reddish-browned sticky carpet.

“Justin.”

I have to get rid of the mess. I can’t look at it. Pins and needles try and stop me from rising to my feet. I refuse to acknowledge them and keep going through the stabs of pain in my legs.

“Justin.”

I hobble forward and I brace myself on the living room side of the bar while I get my bearings and focus on the broom closet in the back of the kitchen. My bare feet avoid the blood with out me even looking down.

“Justin.”

As soon as I make it to the closet I take out a mop and try my best to not think about what I am about to do, clean up the evidence of my child's life. And death. And possibly… no.

“Justin.”

Going through the motions to dispose of what I can of the evidence, I wonder if I am dead and not human. I have no idea how I am able to do this alone. I finish cleaning up what I can and put towels down to hide what I can’t clean yet. The shower I take with my head up after I catch my first glimpse of the water mixing with blood. I clean my body with my eyes closed, on autopilot. When I’m finished I go into the bedroom to get dressed and Duchess greets me from the bed with a soft meow.

She watches me dress with the saddest expression I’ve ever seen her make.

“He’ll be back,” I tell her, falling onto the bed beside her.

Duchess purrs softly and curls up against my chest, making me feel a little less alone. “He’ll be back,” I tell her again, feeling exhaustion claim me as I begin to fall asleep, my head on Justin’s pillow, his scent calming me.

***

Thursday, October 2, 1997

Brian sat on the couch drinking coffee and eating toast, every now and then he’d feed Duchess a little piece from his plate. She had not let him be without her in the month since Justin had been taken. This wasn’t because Brian was spoiling her with treats and tastes of human food. Duchess was as lonely as Brian, and she knew that her human needed her and comforted him the same way she’d done for her boy before the man had come along.

Brian had kept himself from falling into despair the past month by readying the apartment for Justin’s return. He had written letters to the kidnappers and sent them out with his list of groceries and other items asking about Justin and his child, but never received any word in return. He had no idea if Justin or his child were coming home, he had no idea what their health was. He still felt a connection to Justin but that bond with his baby seemed severed and he wasn’t sure if he should trust his feelings about it or not.

When Brian thought of his son, he referred to him as Beacan. He did not want his child to go unnamed and this was the name he and Justin had chosen to give the child if it they had a little boy. His thoughts drifted to his child nearly every moment of his lonely days. He couldn’t help but wish and dream of what their life would be like when they were rescued.

Brian began to hum the tune that he hoped would one day be familiar to his child. He would press his lips close to Justin’s belly and hum the song nearly every day. This song now nearly drowned out the sound of the outer door opening. At first, Brian didn’t move from the sofa, thinking it was the food he’d requested. But Duchess leapt from his lap and ran toward the front door and began to scratch it.

***

“You’re going back, Justin,” a man’s voice had spoken to him from the other side of the curtain in the white room where he was kept. Seconds later he was blindfolded and then gagged when he started to ask questions. He didn’t have the energy to fight as they roughly dressed him, making him cry out in pain around the material stuffed into his mouth.

They’d yanked him to his feet, and a large hand wrapped around his wrist, an angry man’s voice commanded him to walk and he was pulled after the person, tripping and falling every couple of steps he took on his wobbly legs.

He guessed that it had only been about a week since they’d allowed him to walk around what he’d come to think of as his hospital room. Before that, his wrists and ankles were kept in straps unless he was being tended to. Justin knew that he was far from being in a real hospital and could smell that the cracked walls had been freshly painted white. The ‘doctor’ that saw to him wore a scrub mask that covered everything except his cold grey eyes. He acted as though Justin was a cadaver and only spoke to him when he absolutely needed to for medical reasons or if he decided it was time to sadistically mess with his head. He would tell Justin that he was ignorant, that he didn’t deserve to have a child and speak countless other horrible words to him.

While this went on, Justin would try to ignore him and go inside himself, thinking about Brian and what their life would be like together if he they were ever free. But while he slept, the doctor’s words came back to him, flooding his dreams with nightmares.

Justin didn’t think that they’d driven for very long when the vehicle slowed down; he heard what sounded like a garage door opening and then closing and the vehicle stopped. The man that sat beside him pulled him out of the vehicle. Justin tried to smell fresh air but his stuffy nose and the constant push and pull of men leading him wouldn’t let him take anything in. When he was ordered to stop walking, he heard a metal door open and knew the sound was immediately the outer door that led to the apartment.

Once a man shoved Justin forward a few steps he growled under his breath, “You may take the blindfold off and gag out of your mouth thirty seconds after you hear the door shut. Not a second before, or I will come in here and shoot you. Nod if you understand?”

“Mmmhmm,” Justin said around the gag and nodded his head. He listened for the door to close and did his best to count the time correctly. He waited another five seconds to be sure enough time had elapsed before he reached up, pulled the tape off his lips, gag out of his mouth and tore the blindfold off him. He blinked a few times to clear the blur from his eyes and the door he’d loathed for years was before him. But now, now it was the only thing in between him and Brian and he didn’t loathe it at all.

Shivers ran up and down Justin’s spine as he had the sudden fear that Brian might not be there behind the door. He took two steps toward it, raised his hand to place it on the handle but got no further. A rush of air hit his face as the door was jerked open from the other side. Brian stood before him for a moment and then, he was at his feet, weeping and begging him to tell him that he was real, that he wasn’t a dream.

Justin took a step toward Brian and reached his hand down. Running it through the dark hair. “I’m here Brian.” His voice cracked and he started to cry, “I’m…I’m… real.”

Brian had felt so cold inside. But now he was starting to feel warm again. Justin’s touch shot through his body and he could actually feel the tears he cried now. “Oh god. Oh god, Justin.”

Justin felt Brian’s head burrow into his hollow feeling still round stomach. He leaned bent and buried his face in Brian’s hair. “Brian,” he whimpered out, “Brian.” Justin straightened himself up and coaxed Brian to look up at him. “I’m here,” he said as Brian’s eyes focused on his.

Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry,” he said, still shuddering from the relief and shock of seeing Justin. He pulled the man inside the door and shut it behind them. “Are…are you okay?”

Justin was trying to be strong, but his body felt so weak. The little bit of walking he’d done had taken so much out of him after being confined to a bed for so long. He looked down and saw Duchess circling in between him and Brian’s legs. He slowly bent down and picked his kitten up, and wrapped his free arm around Brian’s waist. “I’m not, okay,” he whispered.

“What can I do?” Brian asked his lover. “Are you hurting, do you need me to …”

“I just need to lie down,” Justin interrupted.

Brian nodded and replied in a voice tight filled with emotion, “Sure, we’ll go lay down.” He’d do whatever Justin wanted, as long as he could hold him and know that he was safe and alive.

When they got to the bedroom, Justin noticed that the sheets on their bed were the same ones that were on the bed the last time he’d slept in it. He could tell they hadn’t been changed because they were wrinkled and bared marks of their lovemaking. He let Duchess down and the cat crawled into her spot at the end of the bed, purring contently at him. He gingerly crawled onto the bed and placed his head on his pillow and let out a deep sigh.

Brian crawled in under the blanket beside Justin; he positioned his right leg to fit in between Justin’s legs. Brian could feel Justin’s breath on his face and his eyes closed briefly to take the expelled air inside him. The loneliness he’d felt was banished completely when Justin’s lips touched his softly for a split-second, but it was enough for him.

“Brian,” Justin spoke his lover’s name.

Brian opened his eyes and faced Justin again; he held the younger’s man’s hands in his own. “What, Justin?”

“I… I want to tell you what I…” Justin couldn’t force the horrible words from his mouth.

Brian had so many questions to ask, but he could feel Justin shaking and didn’t want to see Justin going through so much pain to say what he knew Justin was trying to tell him. “I love you, Justin,” he said in encouragement and to also let Justin know that no matter what was or was not said, that he was still there for him.

Justin gripped Brian‘s fingers tighter and took strength from Brian. “I love you, too.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I don’t remember and I don’t even know how long I’ve been gone, but they… they told me that the baby’s gone,” he whimpered.

“You’ve been gone exactly a month and I wasn’t sure if… if that was what happened,” Brian choked out and pulled Justin closer to him if possible. “I tried to tell myself different, but then you showed up with… without…” Brian strained to continue speaking, “But you’re here and I couldn’t live without you.”

Justin’s cries interrupted Brian, allowing the emotions he’d been holding back to overflow. He tucked his head into Brian’s neck and breathed his lover in as he sobbed against his skin.

Brian’s tears fell silently down his cheeks and into Justin’s hair as he held onto the man he loved and vowed that he would make the kidnappers pay for what they’d done to his lover. The more he did, the tighter they held one another. And then, in the midst of all the pain, Brian could be heard humming his song to Justin, lulling him into a dreamless sleep, where he joined him minutes later.

***

Friday, October 3, 1997

“Brian,” Justin mumbled out his lover’s name, his mind trapped in a nightmare. “Brian…the baby! I killed our baby Brian!” His hands clenched his empty stomach and he rolled around the bed, his body crashing into Brian’s. “Don’t…don’t let me go!”

Brian awoke suddenly when Justin rolled into him and cried out, jarring him out of his sleep, startled at the sound of Justin’s cries. “Justin, wake up,” he encouraged, softly shaking Justin’s shoulder.

Justin’s eyes snapped open, he reached for Brian and begged, “Don’t let them take me.”

“You’re here with me, Justin. I’m not going to let them take you,” Brian promised, hoping that those words would remain true.

Justin gripped Brian’s shirt in his fists and pleaded, “Forgive me, Brian. Please forgive me. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Justin, you have nothing to apologize for,” Brian said, tilting Justin’s face up to look at him. “Nothing at all.”

Justin shook his head at Brian, “You’re wrong. The doctor told me some things about what I did. I tried to ignore him but I know that they’re true because the nightmares I’m having… I don’t think that they’re only nightmares. I think that they’re memories too.”

“What did they tell you?” Brian asked, frightened that Justin would share the horrible images that would forever be a part of him. “What do you think you remember?”

“They…they told me that I got drunk and that it made me go into labor and I killed the baby!” Justin admitted and looked away from Brian.

“Justin,” Brian gasped. “You didn’t fucking kill him, that doctor probably wasn’t a real doctor at all and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes, trying to read Brian and see if he was telling the truth. “But… but I remember drinking the wine even though you told me that I wasn’t old enough to drink it. But that one book said it would make me relax to drink some wine and then I started drinking it and… I... I don’t know what happened. I just remember that I liked the way it made me feel and I didn’t want you to think I was a child anymore.”

Brian shuddered. “Justin, I don’t think you’re a child, not then and not now. But, what you drank, that was alcohol, but it wasn’t wine. It was whiskey, which is much harder and much different to drink than wine.”

“It…it wasn’t wine?” Justin asked, feeling completely stupid for not knowing the difference.

“No, Justin. Whiskey is much stronger than wine and if you’re not used to it than it can make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do,” Brian explained.

“Whatever it was, it’s obvious that I’m fucking ignorant Brian. It doesn’t excuse anything, I drank and drank and didn’t stop with the one glass that fucking book recommended. I was so mad at you for no reason at all and because of my stupidity, I killed our child,” Justin said adamantly.

“You didn’t kill our child, Justin. If a child could die from a few drinks of whiskey, I would not be standing here, and there certainly would not be such a thing as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if every pregnant person who drank suddenly went into labor.”

“I…I read about that, Brian. I know what it is. And I still drank didn’t I?” Justin felt tears in his eyes on the verge of spilling, he let go of Brian’s hands and wiped them away. “I’m an idiot.”

“Justin, I told you that my mother was a complete drunk. She didn’t ever give a shit about me and got wasted every day she was pregnant with me,” Brian reminded him. “She was over-due almost two weeks before the doctor finally told her that all the alcohol she was consuming was actually stopping the labor.” Brian let out a sarcastic laugh and continued, “My mother was angry when she realized she actually had to sober up to give birth to me. But she listened because she was told to drink a few glasses of whiskey when she went into early labor with my older sister. That’s probably when she started drinking. Anyway, things were different then and they didn’t realize the affects that alcohol could have on a child’s development. But I defied the odds and came out alright, but… don’t you understand? What happened to our son wasn’t your fault, we might’ve been able to stop it but they just wouldn’t come to help us.”

“Wait… Brian,” Justin gasped, “did you say son?”

Brian nodded and replied, “Yes, we had a son.”

“So… so you saw him? You saw what I did?”

“I saw him, Justin,” Brian admitted, tears spilling from his eyes as he closed them and remembered what his child looked like.

“What happened, Brian?” Justin touched Brian’s tear-stained cheek with his shaking fingers. “Please tell me what happened.”

“Justin, I told you; you did not kill our baby,” Brian said strongly. “It wasn’t your fault, you have to believe that.”

“Just tell me,” Justin said, not ready to believe that what he’d done hadn’t affected the death of their baby.

“I need to get something to drink first,” Brian said, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

Duchess chose that moment to leap between Brian and into Justin’s arms, nuzzling her face against Justin’s neck.

“Sure,” Justin replied, realizing Brian needed a moment before telling him more. “I think Duchess wants her breakfast.”

Brian got up and walked out of the room and into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and just stood there… staring at the unopened bottle.

Justin had followed Brian to the kitchen and could see how much this pained him; how his shoulder blades were shaking while he was reliving it all.

“I don’t really know what happened,” Brian finally spoke after a few minutes. “We had just made love and you had some cramps afterwards. I woke up from a nap to Duchess whining at me, I think she knew something was wrong with you. When I saw you I tried to help you but then you got angry with me and then everything happened so fast after that.”

“You don’t remember?” Justin asked softly.

“You felt some pain and then everything else is a blur to me." Brian wrapped Justin into his arms and stifled his sobs against Justin’s neck. “I asked for their help. I begged them to help us but no one came… not until it was too late.” Brian felt his knees weakening so he quickly pulled Justin with him over to the couch and sat down.

Justin recalled flashes of hearing Brian yelling for help but he didn’t remember much else. He cuddled close to Brian, nearly wrapping his entire body around the other man to show him that it hadn’t been too late. He was still there, alive and with him. Though Justin knew that if there had been a choice, he would’ve given his own life so their baby could live.

“They came and took both of you away and they didn’t tell me anything about you. I didn’t know if you were alive or dead.” Brian cupped his hands around Justin’s face and requested, “Tell me, Justin. Tell me what happened to you when you were with them.”

Justin knew this moment would come but he wasn’t ready to relive it. He’d been spared the details of the birth which Brian had not been. Yes, he wanted to know what had happened but it was different hearing it than seeing it. Everything he remembered that went on in the sterile room was terrible. But it was their parting words to him that made everything ever worse. “Before I tell you anything about what happened to me there, I need to tell you what they told me before they took me out of the room they kept me in,” he revealed.

Brian’s body went ice cold and he pressed Justin’s body so close to his he had to consciously fight the urge to squeeze him tighter when he saw the young man wince. “What Justin? You're scaring me. What is it that they told you?”

Justin swallowed and let out a long breath, fighting for the courage to speak the words that had been haunting him since he walked back into their apartment. Finally, within a deeply exhaled breath he spoke, “We have until the end of next week to start trying for another baby. And two months after that we have to have conceived. Otherwise they’ll take you from me. They said that I’m just fine inside and that it won’t be my fault if we don’t.”

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter Nine: Breaking

February 3, 1996

“For this special birthday wish, I wish I could go home to Mommy and Daddy,” Justin whispered desperately.

Duchess licked at the tears on her boy’s face and purred, trying to make him lift his head and smile.

Justin pushed Duchess away and stood up from where he knelt beside his bed. “Come on,” he spoke while sniffling. “I’ll make you breakfast.”

Duchess followed Justin closely and watched as he opened her can of food.

“I’m not making me a birthday cake this year,” Justin told the cat. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a treat.” He grabbed the milk out of the fridge, poured some into her bowl next to the food and placed it on the floor. “I don’t feel like eating, so you’re on your own.”

Duchess approached the food slowly, she was hungry, but she didn’t want to eat without Justin. She took a few bites but left it to go in search of her boy. She found him in the bedroom sitting at desk.

“Go eat,” Justin ordered as Duchess jumped onto his lap. “I can’t write with you sitting on me.”

Duchess used all of her cutest purrs and rubs but Justin didn’t relax. Suddenly, she was on the ground, looking up at Justin’s angry face.

“Go!” Justin yelled. “You can eat by yourself. You don’t need me!”

Duchess’ head hung as she scurried out of the bedroom. She didn’t go to her bowl of food; instead, she planted herself just outside the bedroom door where Justin couldn’t see her. She wanted to be sure she was there for him in case he needed her. The last couple of days Justin had done nothing but cry.

My 14th Birthday

Dear Mommy and Daddy, for this special birthday wish, I wish I could come home to you.

Justin tore the page out of the book and threw it in the trash can. “Stupid wishes never come true,” he growled.

My 14th Birthday

Dear Mommy and Daddy, my birthdays aren’t ever special anymore. No matter what I do to try and make it a special day, it isn’t. Duchess doesn’t know what a birthday is and she doesn’t care. No one cares what today is. It isn’t a special day. It’s the same day just like every single day here!

I don’t want to make a cake and I didn’t ask for any presents I could wrap. I’m not a baby anymore and I can’t pretend like you wrapped them when you didn’t. I can’t imagine that you’re here to watch me blow out my candles or open my presents. You’re not here. That’s all I think about. You’re not here and I am alone.

I am always sad no matter how hard I try not to be. Every time a holiday or your birthdays come I’ve celebrated them like I am home with you. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

The only happy thing I can say now is that I am getting stronger by working out but it just makes me want to run and breathe fresh air. I don’t even know what fresh air smells like anymore. But I don’t know how to get happy. I wish I knew how to be. I don’t want to cry all the time.

I love you, Justin

Justin placed his notebook on the shelf and let out a deep breath. Getting his feelings out made him feel a little bit better, now he at least felt hungry. He hadn’t eaten anything in two days because his stomach felt tight from stress. He moved slowly toward the door and nearly tripped over Duchess as he walked into the hall.

Duchess purred and hoped that her boy would hold her.

“Were you sitting here waiting for me?” Justin asked the cat as he picked her up and walked into the kitchen.

Duchess happily meowed against Justin’s chest and curled her tail around his wrist.

“I guess you don’t like to be lonely either,” Justin assessed, placing the kitten down by her food. “Well don’t worry, Duchess. I’m going to eat breakfast with you.” Justin grabbed a box of cheerios and soon made himself a bowl cereal. He sat down at the bar and looked down at Duchess who was now digging into her bowl of food. “Just like every other day,” he muttered.

XXXXX