A Captivating Coupling

Chapter 12: Secrets

Saturday, February 7, 1998

We all need money, but there are degrees of desperation. ~ Anthony Burgess

Craig sat at the dining table in Brian Kinney’s loft across from Cynthia. They'd been going through stacks of documents and journals for over three hours and up to this point hadn't found anything that gave any clue as to the names of who Brian's roommate and the other man were. Craig closed another old notebook, set it aside and reached for another in the huge stack that they'd dug out of a box from Brian's storage area. The box had been labeled with the years Brian had attended the University but most everything they read were short stories or journal entries that had nothing to do with college.

“Find anything?” Cynthia asked.

Craig shook his head, opened the next spiral notebook, and began to read.

Cynthia had written down a list of the names of people that made up Brian's family, friends and business acquaintances she knew weren't involved so that if Craig happened to see one of their names he wouldn't waste time in the search. Fictitious characters from his unpublished and private stories were also written down on the list placed between them on the table. Every now and then, Craig would check it and she’d silently get her hopes up, only to have them dashed. The experience was almost more painful than the day she discovered the note about his abduction.

Craig turned the page of what seemed to be a notebook completely dedicated as a personal journal. He didn’t want to jinx anything, so he didn’t get too excited when he started reading entries with the date so near to the time he’d met Brian. He scanned the words slowly to be sure that he wasn’t missing a thing. Halfway into the notebook the dates jumped, leaving a gap of two weeks between entries that had been written at least every other day.

Craig sucked in a deep breath at the date at the top of the page, not only for the significance but also because of how it was written. Instead of spelling out the month, date and year as Brian had with the others, this only had numbers and dashes, clearly showing that when he was writing it he was in a hurry. The messier scrawl of all the words told him with one glance that whatever Brian wrote was extremely emotional and very important.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What the fuck have I done? What is wrong with me? Who have I become in the last 24 hours? How did I let myself get caught up in this?

I’m a fucking paid whore and a monster!

Why couldn't they just leave me alone? Why did I agree to this? Was it worth it?

Fuck! Of course it wasn’t!

I never wanted to fuck him but he just wouldn't let it go, and then he fucking threatened me! What was I supposed to do huh? Was I just supposed to throw my last year at University down the drain, be expelled because that little fucker thought he could actually win the bet, and win ME?

Why didn't I just keep my mouth fucking shut? Why?

I’ve written a hundred short stories about fictional characters and the stupid situations they get into and can’t get out of. I should have known better. Now, now, I have to write my own fucking story so I don’t ever forget what a stupid asshole I am!

“You think you can get anyone you want Kinney,” the fucker egged me on. His little fucking tag-a-long sat beside him looking between us both, hating me and loving me at the same time because I wouldn’t give his ‘master’ what he wanted. “You think you can get anything you want?”

“I can,” I replied smugly. Stupidly. “You think that with Daddy's money you can pay off all your fucking professors to get what you want.” I really tried to get up from the booth and walk away but the fucker grabbed my arm and I had no choice but to turn around and face him. I wasn’t going to be a coward like the idiot beside him.

“That may be true, Kinney. But I back up what I say. Don't think I haven't heard about all the little promises you make to your conquests to get them into bed only to fuck them over.”

“That's a fucking lie!” I answered, wanting to drag the fucker out of his seat and kick his ass. But I didn’t, instead I leaned into his ear and bated him, “Don’t act like you have morals. Even if what you said was true, which it isn’t, I don’t think that’s your problem. You can't stand that I haven't and won’t have you, that’s your real problem.”

He released my arm then and took a drink of his beer, his coal black eyes never left mine and I fucking hated that he was making me feel like I had to prove something. And to him of all people! I always knew the kind of person he was and tried to get my room changed when they put me with him in the first place, but the school told me I didn't have a valid reason for needing to change rooms.

“You know damn well that isn't what I want from you, Brian. If you lose, you'll see what it is that I will get.”

“I'm not taking your fucking bet.” I told him this, but honestly, I could feel myself start to bend.

If I didn't take his stupid fucking bet he'd pay off my professors and force them to fail me. I knew he would do it because I’ve seen him throw money around to get what he wants and he always does. I knew that there was little I could do to expose his lies if he did bribe my professors. He gets off on torturing people and I’d done my best to stay out of conflicts with him but the last time I turned down his advances he warned me that I’d made the wrong the choice. I knew that he would figure out some way to get back at me and I’d been trying to prepare myself for it, but there really was no way to prepare.

“How about if I up the ante'?” he snickered.

“No, don’t,” his sidekick put his hand on his shoulder but he brushed it off.

“Shut the fuck up and stay the fuck out of this,” the fucker hissed. “I thought you were on my side, aren't you my best friend, Shorty?”

Of course Shorty just nodded his head and shut his mouth, he was so obsessed with the asshole that he did whatever he wanted.

“If you win Brian, not only will I leave you and your professors alone, but I'll give you three million dollars as a graduation gift. That is if you make it to graduation.”

“You’re fucking crazy,” I told him, not even considering taking his money.

“You’re crazy if you don’t at least try, Brian. Just think of the alternative if you don’t do it. You can either gain or lose everything. If you don’t agree to the bet I’ll fucking make the phone call to your Theology Professor right fucking now.”

The piece of shit was going to ruin my life if I didn’t at least agree to the bet. Whether I could win or not. Which I was sure I could because no one had ever turned me down before. I made myself believe that the worst that could happen is that I would have to fuck some geeky guy. I was completely wrong.

I had no choice but to agree to go through with it. “Okay, I'll do it.”

They both looked at me and when the fucker started to laugh, Shorty did too.

“Pick him,” I told him. I wanted to get it over with.

“It's not that simple, Brian,” the fucker sneered.

“I don't have all night!”

“We have to discuss terms.”

“Fine! Tell me what the fuck your terms are.” Nothing was going to be done on my terms, that’s for fucking sure.

“You have to bring who I choose back to our place. Leave your door open so that me and Shorty can actually see for ourselves that you’re going at it.”

“Fine,” I agreed.

“Him.”

I took a long swallow of my beer and looked to where his hand was pointing. When I saw who he chose I couldn’t believe it. “There's no fucking way. That guy doesn't have an ounce of queer in him.”

“I thought you could have whoever you wanted?”

I took another look at the man he'd chosen, a dirty blond, older than most of the college crowd but still pretty good looking. He wasn't fat or repulsive or anything, but something about him told me that he was a family man. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it.

“So? Are you forfeiting or taking the bet?”

I looked at the fucker and damned myself. “I’m taking the bet,” I told him.

I walked toward the man who sat in the booth surrounded by books and papers. I noticed his beer was almost empty. I grabbed two beers from the bar and slowly walked down to the corner. I took a deep breath and slid in on the side of him, managing not to spill the drafts all over his papers.

He looked up at me and nervously stammered, “That seat is taken...uhm...well actually it's just me, but I'm busy here.”

His behavior was actually a little endearing so I smiled and leaned back getting more comfortable. “I figured it was just you sitting here. I saw that your beer was empty and thought I'd buy you another.”

He looked at me, then the full beer and his empty beer before settling his eyes on me again. “Uhm, thank you, but I'm very busy here, and I'm not gay.” His pale cheeks blushed and his hand holding the pen pointed to the silver band around his left ring finger.

“I figured,” I said and took a long drink from my beer and then picked up his empty one from its place and put the full one there.

“I really wouldn't feel right accepting your drink.” He picked it up and took a sip of it anyway.

“So you're married?” I asked, thinking maybe if I could make him stop the jitters of nervousness and talk he might at the very least hear me out.

“Yes, happily and I also have a son.” He said it so proudly.

“You're not a professor here are you?”

He gave a small laugh and shook his head. “No, I'm not. I've been working for an investment company and this year they decided to do an over haul of the staff.” He picked up the beer again and this time drank a few chugs before setting it back down and wiping at his mouth with a napkin.

“In other words they're laying off a bunch of their dedicated employees.” I remembered when my father's job had done the same thing.

“I work for an electronics warehouse. I was informed by my boss that I was the most qualified and the best worker he has but that I lack some business skills for position that he'd like to promote me to. I've been taking those classes and I go up for review after the summer courses end. But that meant they were going to cut my hours while I attended school, but instead I told them I'd take the afternoon, night and weekend classes and start work earlier.”

“You sound really dedicated, but that doesn't give you much time with your family does it?” I was even happier knowing that maybe I would be doing a good thing in the end, helping myself and him too.

I’m a fucking idiot!

“No, I hardly see my son anymore at all. I'm usually here studying; it's been a real strain on us as a family. My little boy and my wife are my life, but if I don't do this I may lose my job and then my son won't get to attend the school he goes to and we'd loose our house and everything else.” He grabbed the brew and drank it until it was gone. “A year ago I thought I’d saved enough to start my own electronics company but now I don’t think that’s even a possibility.”

I signaled a waitress for another round and checked back to see my devious roommate and his sidekick staring at us. “I have a problem like yours too,” I said giving the waitress her money and a tip and taking a long drink.

“I thought you were gay? I mean... I just...” he stammered.

“I am.” I took another gulp and then started telling him everything about the bet, every detail with the exception of who I was chosen to fuck. I told him what my psycho of a roommate would do to me if I didn't take it, and what he would do if I lost.

“I can't believe he would do that to you,” he whispered. “All because he wants you to sleep with him?”

“Yeah, so that's why I took the bet,” I said, rubbing my hands over my eyes. “What other choice did I have?”

“But who did he choose for you to sleep with?” The words were barely out of his mouth before he started to shake his head. “No, no, no, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I know it's terrible what's happening to you but I can't help you.”

“Not even if I help you?” I asked leaning forward. I was desperately hoping to hell he'd keep his voice down and those who watched would think this was some kind of intimate scene going on.

He leaned in closer too. “How can you help me?” he asked.

“I know you just met me an hour ago but do you think you could trust me? Do you think I look like a conniving prick like that bastard in the booth back there?” I stopped him before he looked by turning his face to mine. “They're watching me. They can't know I told you. Do you trust me?” I asked him again, and the reality of the situation was suddenly bearing down on me and my heart was hammering in my chest.

“You seem like a good person yes, and I do think I could trust you,” he said finally to my relief.

“If you do this with me, after he writes me the check and it goes through, give me until the end of the school year so that nothing looks too suspicious and I'll give you half. Maybe then you could get your own business started?”

“What?” he whispered. “I couldn’t do that. How would I explain the money?”

“You’d have to explain it to your taxes the same way that I would. A rich friend gave me some money for a graduation gift and I felt the need to do the same for you. Just think about how the money could change your life. If you really wanted, you could start your own business instead of working for someone else. Then you’d have all the time in the world to spend with your wife and kid.”

“But what about my wife? How will I explain the money to her?” He put his fingers around his wedding band and started to twirl it nervously around his finger.

I could feel them staring at us, their eyes on the back of my head. I reached across the table and put my hands over his, amidst the books. “You never tell her the truth. Tell her you got in touch with an old friend from college who wanted to silently invest in you and your family's future, in your business.”

“Oh, god, I can't believe I'm considering this,” he whispered desperately. “One time, that's all? We never have to meet again.”

“You have to want me,” I told him. “Do you think you could pretend like you do?”

He scrunched up his face. “It's for a new life for me and my family, I can do anything.”

We discussed details about how I would pay him half of the money, agreed on a date, time and location before moving on with the plan.

Craig stopped reading for a minute and took a deep breath; he could feel the beads of sweat dripping down his neck. He glanced over at Cynthia who hadn't noticed that he'd been reading certain pages for so long. It was so odd reading about the fateful day through Brian’s words. Even though the man was angry, he'd managed to include all the details, things Craig hadn't really remembered until he read them. Craig could see why it was that Brian was a best-selling author, the man had the gift to transport you into what he wrote and he'd only read a rough draft in a journal. He looked back down at the pages and knew he had to continue reading and looking for a name.

Everything went as planned at first. I could see the voyeurs looking in on us. I was thankful they were late and missed the beginning. He hadn’t looked at me the whole time and I knew that he was probably trying to think he was with a woman but as soon as he finished, reality returned. His eyes opened and he looked at my forehead. I looked up at him, silently pleading that he’d do as we’d rehearsed.

Something seemed to snap within him, his eyes closed tight again and he pulled out of me, roughly and snapped the condom off his cock. “You were incredible,” he spoke in a soft voice while gathering his clothes.”

“It was great,” I spoke the lie we’d rehearsed in the car.

“You were so good, if I can get away from the wife I'd love to have another go.”

I bent down to grab my boxer shorts and saw the condom lying right beside them. It was completely shredded and I had no idea if it had gotten that way because of how he’d taken it off his cock or because…. I can’t even write it here. I had to stay with what we’d rehearsed; I couldn’t worry about anything else.

He dressed and I followed him out into the living room. As predicted, Peter and Shorty aka Hank, were sitting on the couch watching a muted television and faked shock at seeing us come out of my bedroom together. He turned toward me and gave me the most awkward kiss I’ll probably ever experience and asked, “Can I have your number?”

“I don't have a phone,” I answered him, ignoring Peter and Shorty while pushing him toward the door.

“My name is Matt. What did you say yours was?” he asked as I opened the door to the dorm’s hall.

“Doesn't matter, I only do people once. Sorry,” I spoke the final rehearsed word and closed the door. I have no idea if that really was his name or not, or if that was something he came up with on the spur of the moment.

“Nothing changes,” the asshole hissed behind me and his puppy dog laughed.

I turned toward the two of them and felt my anger rising as they smirked at one another. “Are you happy now, Peter?”

“Brian, calm down,” he warned me as I walked closer to him.

I went completely crazy and gave Peter what he’d always wanted. I just needed it to be done with and for some reason I felt like I’d be able to erase what had happened with me and ‘Matt’ if I just did it, if I gave the fucker what he’d always wanted. Hank watched the whole time I had Peter bent over the couch, he was sucking Peter’s dick and kissing him as I fucked him as roughly as I could.

I didn’t come; I wouldn’t have given him that. It wasn’t pleasurable to fuck him and it felt nothing like revenge. Hank seemed like he was in just as much of a hurry to end it all as I was. The second I trashed the condom he was off grabbing Peter’s bankbook and giving him the telephone to make the necessary phone calls. When Peter handed me the promissory note it felt like I’d just sold my soul to the devil. That really isn’t that much of a stretch.

I knew that I had to get the fuck out of that dorm room, no matter the consequences. I locked myself in my bedroom while I gathered everything I gave a shit a about into three duffle bags. When I came out of my room, the site in my living room blew me away.

Peter was still naked, fucking Hank just as roughly as I fucked him. But I could tell that Hank wasn't enjoying it as much as Peter had enjoyed me fucking him, though he sure was trying to act like it. It was sad, really. Both of them had finally gotten what they wanted and obviously, it wasn’t at all how they imagined it, but they deserved it. Didn’t they? After what they forced me to do?

As I left the dorm, I heard Peter yelling my name but I blocked whatever he was saying from my mind. I’d had enough of him. It was almost morning when I got into my car and drove out to where I am now. There’s a wooded area near the Pennsylvania and West Virginia border with a secluded lake in the clearing off an old dirt road. I found it one night that I was driving around getting high and just needing to be somewhere other than my dorm room.

I don’t think many people know of this place, though that may change now that there’s been houses sporadically built not far from here. The sunrise makes the lake water sparkle and the beauty relaxes me enough so that I can start to work out what I’m going to do now. Writing all this down has helped too, not that I’ll ever re-read it. This will be one story that will never see the light of day.

I may have a lot more to deal with in my future because of that stupid fucking bet. There’s a big possibility that I’ll have more than just myself to consider in my decisions and doubt that ‘Matt’ will want me fucking up his family any more than I already have.

Craig felt a heady rush of nausea and tried to control the conflicting feelings he was experiencing due to what Brian had implied. He knew that he had to tell Cynthia about what he’d found but he was finding it hard to speak.

Cynthia quickly stood, knocking her chair backward and waving a piece of paper as she yelled, “Peter Marshall! Peter Marshall II signed over this promissory note to Brian! I think we have him!”

Craig’s nausea passed as soon as it came and he quickly shut the notebook. “Thank God,” he gasped.

“We have got to go down to the station and show this to Carl,” Cynthia said, running toward the door.

With Cynthia’s back turned, Craig grabbed the notebook he’d been reading and the one underneath labeled with the next year. He rolled them up and tucked them in the waist of his trousers as he followed Cynthia toward the loft door. “I'll meet you at the station, I've got to call my wife and update her,” he told her quickly, following her out of the loft.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit,” Cynthia replied, locking the door behind her and running down the steps.

Craig took the stairs more carefully, his body back to feeling nauseas as he tried to figure out how he was going to tell his wife the truth. He reached his car and sat down in the driver’s seat, taking deep breaths to quell the sick inside of him. “It was mine,” he breathed out, not even realizing he’d spoken at first. Then he said it again, “It was mine,” and memories of that day filled his present thoughts.

Jennifer had taken Justin to the hospital because their son had fallen from the second rung of the tree house ladder. Justin had knocked his head on his tricycle, which he’d parked at the bottom of the ladder, and the cut required a few stitches in his forehead. He had been in the middle of viewing buildings for his new business with a realtor when he’d gotten the call and immediately left to meet his wife and son in the emergency room.

An E.R. receptionist told him that they’d admitted Justin due to him having an allergic reaction to the pain medication he’d been given. As he walked down the hallway he was directed to he saw a nurse hurry her way out of one of the rooms and caught a glimpse of the patient inside. Brian was sitting up on the bed, red-faced and panting with sobs.

“The fetus wasn't developed enough,” he’d heard a male speak before the door could shut all the way.

He’d shamelessly stepped closer to the door and caught it with his foot, but made sure to stay to the side of it so that he wouldn’t appear to be listening in.

A woman’s voice gently spoke, “I'm so sorry, Brian. Do you want me to call the other father for you?”

“No,” Brian had wept. “He knows that I’m here. I'll call him later, just… just please leave me alone now.”

Craig had thought that Brian had been being truthful and therefore it meant that it wasn’t his child. When they had met at the destination to exchange the check Brian hadn’t said a word to him about him being pregnant so he’d thought that it had to have been a more recent pregnancy from a different man.

Craig had given Brian his full name when Brian wrote him the ‘investment’ check so he was sure that Brian could have contacted him by looking his name and number up in the phone book: Mathew C. Taylor. Matt was his first name, but he’d always gone by Craig to avoid confusion with his father who was also named Matt. He’d been so sure that Brian would’ve asked him for help if the baby had been his, he may have even intended to later. However, from what Brian had told the doctors, Craig was convinced that the baby wasn’t his and he went on with living his life.

But what he’d thought was the truth, had been far from it. It was time for the truth to come out.

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter 12: Before You

Sunday, April 5, 1998

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet ~ Plato

“I’ve gotten huge,” Brian whispered to himself. He checked out his body from all possible angles in the bedroom’s full-length mirror. This had become his morning routine since his stomach noticeably began to grow in the last six weeks. He’d gained eight pounds and his stomach ballooned rapidly, appearing to him that he’d gained much more weight than the scale told him he had since first finding out he was pregnant.

“If you’re huge than I’m massive,” Justin groggily spoke from the bed, lazily petting Duchess.

Brian gave Justin a sheepish look as he turned to face him. “You’re beautiful pregnant,” he said sincerely.

Justin snorted a laugh of disbelief and reached his hand out for Brian as the man sat down on the bed beside him. “And just what do you think you look like pregnant?” he asked.

“Awkward,” Brian said firmly, holding Justin’s hand. “I look awkward.”

“You’re gorgeous, Brian.” Justin yawned and urged Duchess to jump down from the bed, “Go on, kitty.”

Duchess was becoming extremely lazy and it looked like she was going to listen to Justin at first, but once she peered over the side of the bed to the floor she thought better of it and leapt to the other side of the bed and crawled under the pillows.

“Lazy cat,” Justin laughed and reached his arm out to Brian. “Help me sit up?”

Brian wasn’t looking forward to the day that he would be so big that he’d need help sitting or standing. Justin didn’t need help all the time, usually just in the mornings when his body was still tired, but he was sure that it wouldn’t be long before he was being called to help Justin up whenever he sat down. Thankfully, Brian still felt extremely limber and besides hating that his rock hard abs had turned into a small boulder, he had been experiencing a very easy pregnancy.

“I feel like I’m as wide as I am tall,” Justin sighed, leaning against Brian’s chest. “You will never reach that point since you’re so tall.”

Brian held Justin close and murmured, “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m tired as usual, but good,” Justin replied.

Brian swallowed deeply and asked, “Any pains?”

Justin looked up and shook his head at Brian. “I’m fine, I promise.”

Justin’s pregnancy was nearing the predicted weeks of pregnancy he’d been at with Beacan when he’d gone into early labor. They estimated the best they could about their pregnancies but they couldn’t be exactly sure. Besides oral sex, they’d agreed to abstain for the last couple of weeks. Even though their reading told them it was okay to engage in intercourse, Brian’s guilt and fear plagued him enough that he couldn’t perform if he wanted to. They’d decided to wait until they guessed Justin was closer to his due date, if it was comfortable for them both at that time. Neither was willing to take any unnecessary risks.

“You woke up a lot earlier than usual,” Justin commented while placing kisses along Brian’s neck. “You tossed and turned a lot last night.”

Glimpses of the memories/nightmares Brian had been having for the last three weeks entered his mind but he pushed them away. He wanted to tell Justin, he knew that he needed to, but he couldn’t risk upsetting Justin and causing him so much stressed that he might go into pre-term labor. “Just getting accustomed to the baby moving around I guess,” he replied.

Justin smiled while resting his head against Brian’s shoulder. “What do you think your family will say when we go home with these babies?”

Brian huffed a laugh as he imagined everyone’s reactions, at least what they would have been if they hadn’t been kidnapped and forced into the situation. He whispered in Justin’s ear, “I think they’ll be so damn happy that we’re home they won’t think about telling me how absolutely crazy it is that I am father.”

Justin couldn’t’ imagine Brian as the person Brian told him he’d been, it wasn’t anything like the man he knew him to be now. Brian’s family seemed to have odd expectations of him that Justin didn’t understand. Brian tried to explain the people in his life and his relationships with them, but Justin didn’t get them and supposed he wouldn’t until he met them. “I hope your family will like me,” he spoke his fear softly. “They’ll be my family too.”

Brian kissed Justin nose and assured him, “Believe me. My family will love you.”

Duchess peaked her head out from under Brain’s fluffy pillows and meowed.

“They’ll love you too, Duchess,” Brian assured the cat while laughing.

Seeming to understand Brian completely, Duchess gave a contended purr and went back to hiding.

Brian voiced his previous thoughts, “Actually Justin, I think it’ll be me trying to win over your family.”

“Why do you think that? You saved me.”

“Not yet,” Brian spoke quietly. “Justin, what we’ve done… what I have done to you sexually, it’s illegal in Pennsylvania.”

“I know, you’ve told me,” Justin croaked, burying his head in Brian’s chest. “But it isn’t your fault, Brian. We had no choice. Besides, it’s not like I didn’t like it.”

“Even if the law realizes that I was forced into doing it, even if you tell them you wanted it, there may still be repercussions. Not everyone is going to be so understanding when they find out how truly young you were when I took your virginity. People are going to come up with all kinds of scenarios that will make it look like I took the easy way out. People are going to call me a p…”

Justin smashed his lips to Brian’s, cutting the man off. He swept his tongue against Brian’s lips and ran his hands up Brian’s back, trying to soothe the fear out of his body. There was no way that he’d ever let Brian blame himself for what they’d been forced into. It was true that had they been living their lives and met on the street with him so young, they probably wouldn’t have been together, but that didn’t matter because it was a completely hypothetical scenario. He and Brian’s lives were completely different from the lives of almost every other American abiding by the laws.

Brian pulled away from Justin’s kiss to catch his breath. “You kissed me to shut me up,” he said, laughing. All the tension he’d felt had evaporated the moment his tongue gave into the caresses of Justin’s.

Justin smiled smugly at Brian. “I did.”

“That’s what I’d always do to Mikey when he talked too much,” Brian admitted.

Justin’s stomach growled, interrupting the question he’d had on the tip of his tongue and would soon forget. “Come on; let’s get some breakfast in us. Maybe afterward we can each have a protein snack?” He cupped Brian’s balls through the material of his sweat pants and lazily dragged his finger up to dance across Brian’s morning wood. “Does that sound good to you, Mr. Kinney?”

“It definitely does, Mr. Taylor,” Brian groaned. He watched as Justin smiled brightly at him before disappearing into the hall.

***

Sunday, June 21, 1998

It was Father’s Day and Brian and Justin had celebrated by preparing the children’s bedroom. A second crib had arrived the week before and today they’d put it together, placing it beside the other one. They both felt the weight of the loss of their first baby, but neither could speak of it. It was too hard to think about how they would’ve been spending their first father’s day together had their son lived.

After decorating the crib with bedding to match the other, they went into their bedroom to start preparing all of the things they’d need for the home birth. That is, if that was what they would be allowed to do. Brian and Justin both feared that they would take Justin away once he went into labor, but they knew they had to be prepared if that didn’t happen. Justin was sure that they wouldn’t have delivered them all the medical supplies and books on at-home childbirth if that wasn’t what the kidnappers were going to allow, but he also had his doubts.

Brian had ordered a chest to store all the items they’d asked for and placed the final items, five large towels, a small plastic tarp to cover the bed with and a box of latex gloves. He closed the lid on the chest and declared, “Done.”

Justin took a deep calming breath as his baby kicked him. “We’re all set for you,” Justin spoke to the baby.

Brian slowly stood and walked over to Justin who was leaning against the post for the bed. He placed his hand on Justin’s stomach and then on his own. “Before you know it, they’ll both be here.” It was hard for him to fathom that fact at times. Brian had moments on a daily basis where he still couldn’t believe that he was carrying a child and that Justin was too and it astounded him.

***

Wednesday, July 1, 1998

Brian poured out the last of the fruit rings into his bowl and was surprised when a tiny plastic bag fell on top of the cereal. He looked at the front of the cereal box and it confirmed that inside the bag was one of three adjustable ‘Freedom Rings’, a promotion to celebrate Independence Day.

“Make me some of those too?” Justin requested. He was sitting on the couch with Duchess resting on his stomach, barely able to see the television over the fluffy cat’s body.

Brian’s mouth watered shamelessly and he just couldn’t give up the bowl of fruit rings to Justin. He’d been craving the things daily for the last month. “We’re all out of fruit rings; do you want me to make you something else?”

Justin looked at Brian over his shoulder and smiled at him. “I ordered three boxes last time we made a list. I put them in the pantry yesterday since they wouldn’t fit in the cereal cabinet. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how much you love them.”

“The baby loves them,” Brian defended walking over to the pantry and grabbing another box. His mouth watered more as he thought about eating a second bowl, which was ridiculous to him since he hadn’t even eaten the first.

“Oh and before you sit down can you turn the thermostat down?” Justin requested. He’d been experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions for a few weeks, but the closer it got to his due date, which he and Brian had estimated as July 3, the worst the side effects from them were. Heat waves passed through Justin’s body the stronger the contractions were and today he’d been feeling them more frequently than he ever had before.

“Sure,” Brian agreed, feeling a little over-heated himself. He opened the other box of cereal and poured it into the bowl, now remembering the ‘prize’ that was buried inside. He glanced at Justin to see if he’d catch him while he stuck his hand into the box and dug around until he felt the plastic bag and took it out.

Brian placed both bags on the counter before rinsing his arm off, grabbing the milk, two spoons and pouring the milk into their bowls. During this time, he was holding back from tearing open the two little packages like a kid on Christmas. He figured he’d better open them quickly before their cereal turned to mush and tore at the plastic until two rings popped out onto the counter.

The ring that had been in the first box had a silver band with a fake red ruby set into the top and the second ring was also a silver band but with a blue diamond set into it. Brian gave another look at Justin and was satisfied to see his attention focused on the movie he watched and the spoiled kitten purring on his belly. He moved the clasp apart to make the band larger and slid the ring with the blue diamond onto the third finger of his left hand. He laughed quietly to himself as he did this but he didn’t really care how silly it was. Brian pocketed both rings and brought their cereal over to the coffee table in front of the sofa.

“You’re gonna have to move, Duchess,” Justin told the kitten.

Duchess pouted as she listened to her boy and chose to curl up beside his leg on the couch. It wasn’t as comfortable as his stomach had been, but she made do and closed her eyes to take a catnap.

Brian turned the thermostat down and remarked, “It’s now 68 degrees in here. If I set it any lower my toes will freeze off.” He was much hotter than he normally was, but these days he was walking around the apartment in sweaters, socks and sweatpants to keep warm.

Justin was wearing a pair of cut-off sweat pants as shorts and no shirt. “If I get any hotter I’ll take a cold shower,” he promised, kissing Brian’s cheek as leaned against him. “Can you hand me my cereal?”

Brian had a hard time himself as he reached forward, his stomach getting in the way as he just barely grabbed their snack, nearly spilling it all over himself. “Here,” he said, breathing heavily as he sat back and began to eat.

“Thank you,” Justin replied, his mouth full. Never had the fruit rings tasted so good to him.

Brian finished his bowl off seconds after Justin finished his and he considered making another for himself but he first wanted to go ahead with his plan. Slowly, he lowered himself to his knees in front of Justin, in between Justin’s spread legs.

Justin gave Brian a lustful smile and began to pull his rapidly hardening dick out of his shorts but was stopped by Brian’s hand. “What?”

“Not that, not yet anyway,” Brian said, taking a deep breath to quell his own rampant desire.

“Do you need help up?” Justin asked, confused. However, he wasn’t sure he could actually help Brian up from the floor.

Brian shook his head, reached into his pocket, and drew out both of the rings. “I want you to marry me.”

Justin definitely had not been expecting that. “What?”

Brian opened his hand and showed Justin the ‘jewelry’, nervous that Justin would think he was joking. “I want you to be my husband.”

“We can’t get married in here, Brian,” Justin laughed.

“Why not?”

“They’d never let us,” Justin said in a ‘duh’ tone of voice. “There’s no way.”

“They don’t have to let us; it’d be just for you and me.” Brian took another series of deep breaths. “We could say vows to one another; have a private ceremony for just us.”

Justin liked the idea and tried not to giggle at the two plastic rings Brian had in his hand. “Okay.”

“That’s it?” Brian asked exasperated. “Just okay?”

“Well, of course it’s a yes, Brian. But you have to promise that we’ll make it legal when we get out of here.”

“You have my word,” Brain vowed, kissing Justin soundly.

“And those rings?” Justin prompted.

“They’re from the cereal box. They are Freedom Rings, Justin. I thought that they’d be a symbol for us, not only of our love for one another but for the hope that one day we’ll be free of this place.” Brian felt his cheeks blushing and bowed his head. “I know we could order rings from a catalog and they’d probably bring them to us to appease us but I want these to be a reminder that we will be out there one day and when we are, we can pick out our own rings.”

Justin’s heart swelled and he fought off the tears that wanted to spill out of his eyes. “You are so romantic, Brian. When do you want to have our own private ceremony?”

Brian had thought about that already. “I was thinking, maybe once we have the babies and we’re able to make love again.”

“Sounds perfect,” Justin, whispered, bringing Brian toward him to share a deep kiss of promise.

***

Friday, July 10, 1998

Brian checked the ziti in the oven before closing the door and setting the timer for another ten minutes. “The cheese is almost browned on top,” he informed Justin.

Justin took one deep breath after the other, trying to figure out if what had happened a few minutes ago had actually happened. He looked at the painting he’d been working on and wiggled in his seat, feeling the wetness that confirmed it and dropped his paintbrush on the dining table. “Brian, my water broke.”

Justin had been in labor for most of the night before and all day, so Brian had been waiting for this to happen, but for some reason he still felt caught off guard. He stood completely still, they’d rehearsed everything, but he had suddenly forgotten it all.

Justin blew out a deep breath and instructed, “Go ahead and turn off the oven, Brian. I don’t think I can eat anything.”

Brian turned and shut off the oven. “Okay, now what?” he asked a bit desperately.

Justin refrained from laughing at Brian’s obvious panic. “Can you help me into the shower?”

“Oh, yes, yes, come on,” Brian said, reacting quickly. He walked over to Justin, helped him stand, and guided him into the bathroom. “Sorry, I freaked out there for a minute, won’t happen again.”

“No need to apologize,” Justin assured. “I’d been sitting there for about ten minutes before I told you. I was sorta freaking out too,” he laughed, hugging Brian close. “This is it.”

***

“Brian, you have to go eat,” Justin demanded.

“Just let me finish getting the bed set up,” Brian tried to compromise.

Justin placed his hand on Brian’s arm and shook his head firmly. “Please,” he begged, “I need you to leave me alone for a few minutes, okay?”

Brian sighed and tried not to get angry. “What if the baby comes while I’m eating?” he asked worriedly.

Justin looked up at Brian from the chair he was sitting in and did his best not to roll his eyes. “Brian, the baby is not going to come in just a few minutes. I’ve only dilated a little, you saw for yourself. It’s going to be awhile.”

“You’re sure?” Brian croaked, nervous as hell.

“Positive,” Justin assured, reaching up to place his hand on Brian’s stomach. “It might be hours and hours before I deliver. You have to take care of this baby too.”

Brian nodded reluctantly. “Okay, but if anything else happens you call me right away.”

“I will,” Justin promised. “And take Duchess with you and put her in the nursery. I don’t want her freaking out every time I get a contraction.”

Brian picked up Duchess off the bed and felt her hairs sticking up on her back. “Don’t worry, Duchess. Justin is going to be fine,” he said, walking out of the room. If he was saying that more for himself or for the cat, he couldn’t be sure.

Justin grabbed the chart lying on the table Brian had set up beside the bed. He took a pen and marked off all the things that happened and all the things they had set up and placed it back down on the table. Another contraction hit and Justin grabbed for the stopwatch to time it.

This contraction lasted longer and was stronger than any he’d had before. By the time he got over the pain of it he only had seven minutes before he felt another one rising. The chair he was sitting in was doing nothing to ease his pain, he quickly grabbed the footboard of the bed and squatted in front of it, swaying, and grunting as the pain reached its peak.

“Justin!” Brian shouted in alarm as he walked into the bedroom. “Are you okay?” he asked, crouching down beside his lover.

“Uhhuh,” Justin gasped out as the contraction dulled. “It just felt better… like this,” he explained.

Brian sighed in relief as he rubbed Justin’s back. “So, are you okay to stay there while I finish getting the bed ready?”

“Yes,” Justin breathed out. “I can….stay here…” His eyes closed as he felt a weird euphoria settle through his body. “Stop the watch,” he said, pointing to where it lay on the table.

Brian quickly did. “That one lasted for nine minutes?”

“When you came in here it was starting to end,” Justin explained. “So probably more like eight minutes.”

“Jesus,” Brian said fearfully. “How bad does it hurt?”

Justin managed a small laugh, there was no way he was going to tell Brian and risk scaring him about labor more than he was. “Did you eat?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I ate, I promise.” Brian went to work putting the plastic on the bed and setting up the video camera on the other side of the room. Once he was finished, he helped move Justin onto the bed and just in time because as soon as he’d crawled onto it another contraction took hold of him.

***

At the very end, as the baby crowned, Justin felt like he was going to pass out. There was so much pain relegated to the one spot of his body, which was split apart, and the rest of his body was caught between crosscurrents of pain and numbness because the pain was so strong his nerves couldn’t handle it. The whole time he tried to be strong, tried not to yell too much, show too much pain to Brian. At the end though, he couldn’t hold off his loud grunts and the scream that came as he pushed the baby’s shoulders out. The feeling had been too intense and agonizing to keep inside.

“Oh my god!” Brian repeated for the millionth time as he suctioned the mucus from the baby’s airway.

Justin felt boneless as he looked over at Brian as he cleaned off their baby. Tears streamed from his eyes as he heard the baby give a loud healthy cry. “What is it?” he asked hoarsely. Even though Brian had placed a mirror there so he could see, when it had gotten to be the most painful Justin had squeezed his eyes shut.

Brian felt so much pride as he answered, “It’s a girl. We have a daughter, Justin.”

“A girl,” Justin whispered, “Beatha.”

Brian smiled triumphantly at Justin as he put the wiggling slippery baby in the hammock of the scale and gently raised it off the bed. “Six pounds even,” he declared happily.

“Her length?” Justin asked, propping his back up on pillows so he could watch.

Brian used the tape measure and answered, “Seventeen inches.” He picked Beatha back up and held her close. “She’s so perfect. You did such a good job, Justin.”

“She’s small,” Justin said worriedly. “She’s small, Brian.”

“She’s small like you,” Brian said, carefully handing Justin their child. “But she’s healthy. I know she is.”

The emotions Justin felt as he first held Beatha against his skin was indescribable. He may have thought she was small, but she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “I love you, Beatha,” he said softly.

Hearing her father’s voice so close to her, Beatha calmed her cries and snuggled against Justin’s chest.

“I’m going to clean you up,” Brian said. “Then we can put a diaper on her and maybe you could try to feed her?” he suggested.

Justin nodded, unable to look away from his baby. “Thank you, Brian.”

Brian wasn’t sure what Justin was thanking him for, in his eyes, Justin had done it all. Justin was the strongest person Brain had ever known. He kissed Justin’s cheek and whispered, “I love you both.”

***

After showering and bringing both he and Justin the left over ziti to eat, Brian gathered Beatha from playpen they had lying beside the bed and placed her in Justin’s arms. “Maybe you can try again?” he suggested.

“She’s so calm when she’s awake,” Justin said in wonder. He brushed back a tiny dark curl from her forehead. “Maybe she’ll stay awake this time.”

Brian set pillows around Justin’s arms and settled in next to him. “The book says that you’ll know if she’s hungry. Do you know?”

Justin wasn’t sure if he knew or not. “I don’t know. I think she is.” He tried to get Beatha to nurse but the baby wasn’t having any of it.

“Maybe she’s just not hungry,” Brian suggested, rubbing along Beatha’s back.

Beatha let out a wail and buried her head closer to Justin’s chest while making sucking motions with her mouth.

“Or maybe she is and she doesn’t want me,” Justin said fearfully.

“Just try again,” Brian prompted. “Relax; remember that she feels what you feel.”

“Okay, okay,” Justin said, trying not to cry. His emotions were all over the place and he felt like was letting Beatha down because he was sure he was doing something wrong.

Brian gave Justin a reassuring smile and helped him adjust Beatha in his arms. He sighed in relief as the baby figured out what it was she was supposed to do. “There, you did it!” Brian congratulated. “She just wanted to lie differently.”

Justin grinned proudly. “I guess so.”

Brian felt his baby kicking inside of him and turned on his side. “Seems this one wants me to lie differently,” he said through a yawn.

Justin placed his free hand on top of Brian’s which rested on his stomach. “I have a family now,” he said in a whisper that could barely be heard. “I now have what I’ve wanted since they first brought me here, Brian.”

“And I have what I never even knew I needed,” Brian said, squeezing Justin’s hand in his own. He refused to let any dark thoughts or fears enter his brain. He didn’t know how long they’d allow for him, Justin, and the baby to be happy, he needed to focus and celebrate today. Justin had given birth to a healthy baby girl and for now, that’s all that mattered.

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