A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Seven: Cradle Rocking versus Cradle Robbing

"The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." - Francis Bacon, Sr.

Monday, April 7, 1997

Brian’s Point of View

I ordered a black suede chair for the living room after much persistence from Justin to get me to stop bitching about the décor of the living room. He had only a small sofa, couch, and a gray lazy-boy recliner that he picked out because his father has the same one. I understand that Justin and I have to have the essentials to live and a few other items to keep our attention so we don’t go crazy, but I wasn’t fond of redecorating the apartment.

I know that Justin had to make the place livable and much of the items he’s chosen are things he remembers seeing in his own home that he picked out of the Sears catalog. They still give him comfort that I can’t provide, a connection to his mother and father. It’s just that I look at making this place feel like home means that I’ve given up and resigned myself to what I think Justin did, or had to do to survive. I won’t do that, I won’t say that this is home and I won’t think that we’re never going home.

Nevertheless, Justin wanted me to be comfortable and feel like it wasn’t only his ‘place’. Therefore, with his continued encouragement, I bought the most expensive chair I could. To the order, I added clothing from the best catalogs I get, enough to fill up the room in Justin’s closet and the spare drawer in his dresser. We had a great time laughing about how much money we were making the assholes spend and wondered weather or not we’d get the order. A few days ago we did.

Now I’m busy writing in the new journal I got that came the same day. Justin started writing his own in French, yeah, he’s a fucking genius. I’ve decided to do the same thing, hoping that these fuckers have to work at translating what we’re writing if they ever try to read them. I’ve been writing daily, sometimes more than once almost since I first got here, but the past couple of days I’ve been using my journal as an escape from Justin since it’s the only he’ll leave me alone.

Justin is sitting across me, curled up in the lazy-boy. Duchess sits, sleeping in his lap, one of his hands rests on his stomach and the other holds, a book on pregnancy. His attention is between what he reading and the television that plays one of the many is learning movies we’ve been ‘allowed’ to acquire on pregnancy and childbirth. I trimmed his hair a few days ago and now the long blond locks frame his face perfectly. A few golden strands hang down in his beautiful blue eyes, he keeps blowing at them with his pouty pink lips and I feel my sore dick start to respond to him.

I take a deep breath and try to calm my arousal down, unable to take my eyes off my beautiful lover. He looks up at me and I quickly look away so he doesn't see the building lust in my eyes and get the wrong idea. I put my pen to the page and pretend that I'm still writing in my journal.

This is the only place I can talk about my worries and fears that involve him and his behavior. I can't say anything directly to him because I can't risk hurting him. Justin wouldn’t understand how I feel because he’s unable to comprehend the rationale. His mental state is erratic. I glance back up and see he's gone back to his reading. Thank God. I have to be strong for both of us.

Last month they didn't give us pregnancy tests. I think they realized that when we learned Justin wasn't pregnant two months ago, it caused him so much grief and stress that it is probably making him not get pregnant. Instead of the tests, they delivered a book about fertility explaining this fact. I had suspected this, and tried to tell Justin this, but the book seemed to calm him down a little, very little, but it also gave other ideas about things we could do outside of sex that would help.

I love having sex with Justin, there’s no one I’ve never enjoyed it more with anyone. But he doesn't ask me, or care if I want to as of late. He just starts stripping his clothes off, if he's wearing any, and won’t stop begging me until my dick is out of my pants and I’m fucking him. It was hot, at first, but when we didn’t get the tests last month, he’s been really crazy about wanting it. He no longer cares about the cameras anymore, and that has me freaking out.

Sure, I don’t mind fucking guys in clubs or in the baths with an audience, but Justin, he used to be so shy about his body. He is, after all only a teenager and you’re damn fucking right I wouldn’t be fucking him alone or in front of anyone if we weren’t in this situation. Even though I love him, because how can I not love him, I fall for him more every moment I’m with him. Considering this in the real world, I would not cross the line I know I’ve crossed, a line that I will probably burn in Hell for crossing.

I don’t think I’ve made Justin the way he is now. I know that these people and the fear he has that they will take me from him and put another man here with him, that is who is to blame. Nevertheless, I hate how he is acting and I hate that I can do next to nothing to stop it because I fear that he will think I am rejecting him and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

During the night, I have woken up to him riding my cock while he's still is half-asleep. The last two nights this happened, he never got hard, no matter how often I hit his prostate or played with his body. He remained as soft as he was when I'd woken to his ass sliding down on my dick.

The first time I realized he didn't come, I tried to tell him that we didn't have to do it if it wasn't pleasurable for him, which has always been my worst fear. But he told me that it turned him on, just feeling my come inside him and that he wanted to take every opportunity we could to create a baby. I didn't know what to say to him. He seemed so happy and content with what he was telling me that I didn't want to disagree with his logic.

I feel like I'm fucking dying for attention from him that isn’t sexual. That’s fucked up, especially for me. But it’s true. I want the affection, the intellect that we shared before the race for pregnancy. I suppose he spoiled me with it at first and now I have been craving it, needing the him that isn’t his sex.

I'm beginning to wonder if Justin ever truly enjoyed the sex that we had. Maybe this whole time it was about him learning how to make a baby and that’s what he enjoyed. I don't want to think that our first months of lovemaking was only about that, but the way things are going, I am not sure what else to think.

He doesn't breathe my name into my ear when he comes anymore. He doesn't want to take it slow and gentle. He only tells me to stay inside him because it traps the sperm tighter inside him, not because he wants to feel me there, connected to him. Justin is so interested in the finish that I'm starting to wish, half way through it that we never started.

I realize that so much of Justin’s behavior is because he's fucking scared of being pregnant and rightfully so, terrified about the labor and delivery. Which, we have learned two weeks ago that will be happening here, alone, just he and I. God, I can’t even think about that right now.

All of this has done a fucking number on my mental state! I am falling in love with someone for the first time in my life and I don't think Justin really loves me. I think he loves what I represent, safety, and what he thinks I can give him, security. I’m so confused because really I can’t give him any of that. I have no fucking control.

They are supposed to deliver the second test to us in a few hours and I don't know if I am hoping that he is pregnant for the right or wrong reasons. What is worse is that some where inside of me I'm hoping he isn't!

I look over at him and see he’s now writing in his own journal. He’s writing things he can't or won't share with me, I can tell by his intense expression. Who am I to talk though, I can’t tell him what I’m thinking either. Yet, I’m still fucking jealous of that pen and paper. I've never felt so lost before, this isolation we’ve come to with one another is killing me.

I've never felt so alone and it isn’t only because I am living in near-solitude, away from the real world. It's because Justin Taylor, the man I love, wants little else than sex from me. I’m sure all the tricks I have been with and all my friends would be laughing in my face right now. This must be what I deserve, some sick form of payback.

I wouldn't have minded the cold, emotionless sex before. Shit, just a few months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me ever falling in love. But stranger things have happened as of late. This whole thing is heart wrenchingly terrible, I want to scream! Is this all some big fucking cosmic joke?

I am falling hopelessly in love and want so much more than just sex. It seems though, that I will only be given what I gave out my whole life to every one else, nothing, unless I can figure out a way to get Justin to open up to me.

***

Justin P.O.V.

I know that Brian is worried about me. I can tell from the way that he looks at me from across the room when he doesn’t think I notice him staring. He sits stiff and uncomfortable, as if he's anticipating something to happen. Maybe he wants more sex? I'm sore but I'll give it to him if that's what he wants to relax him.

I look over at him and this time, our eyes meet but he glances away from me. Whew, thank god, I really need a rest. It's hard work trying to make a baby. I've been reading all these books about it. Who knew that there were all kinds you could eat just to be more fertile?

I’m learning so much from all the books and movies because I want to be prepared for when I am pregnant. Every move I make, every thing I do can affect my baby and I could have a baby inside me right now, and it is possible it doesn’t show up on the test. I want to be a good Daddy and make Brian proud of me.

He is so attentive and I really want to make him happy so he won’t be sad like I was when they first brought me here. Brian told me that sex was a big part of his life before he came here and I don't want him to be unhappy and wish he could have sex with other people. I don’t want him to be the way he is with me, with anyone else.

I try to give him as much sex as I can. Even when I am hurting down there, I still tell him to fuck me. I tell him I want it. I do. I want Brian to be happy and he said that most of the things he did before for fun, involved sex, with men. I want to be a man for him. I don’t want him to see me like a little boy. I don't ever want Brian to be unhappy here. So I started to use that stuff Brian got me, it makes me sort of numb and I’m not supposed to use it all the time, but it helps the pain. And I was starting to be in a lot of it before he got me that stuff last week. He doesn't know that I've used almost half the tube since then.

I read in one of the books that the more often you have sex, the more of a chance you have of getting pregnant which makes perfect sense. So I have to do it as much as possible. I read that book they gave me about stress and fertility too, but really, I don't think there is any sure fire way to get me to stop worrying about getting pregnant.

I really, really want to get pregnant so that they will keep Brian here with me. I'm so scared that if I don't get pregnant soon they'll take him away from me and find someone else to put in here, some one else that they will have to force me to have sex with, because I could never do it willingly with anyone but Brian, never.

After the first tests said I was not pregnant, Brian was sad and so was I. He said that it wasn't my fault but I'm pretty sure he's angry with me. I know I cried a lot but I didn't mean to upset him if I did. I am just sad that I can’t give him a baby yet because I know he wants me to be pregnant too.

The first night we took a pregnancy test, Brian and I had sex really slow and it lasted a long time before either of us came. He said that it was the definition of ‘making love’. All I know is that it felt like it was only he and I on the entire earth and every fear I’d ever had slipped away. But right before we fell asleep he asked me not to wake him in the middle of the night to have sex like we’d done before. He told me it was because he was really tired and needed sleep. I think the truth is that he was still mad at me.

When Brian noticed that I wasn't getting hard during sex it really bothered him. I tried to explain to him that it didn't matter, but I think he is getting bored with me, no matter what I do in bed. I'm so scared he’ll want to leave and what if they let him if I don’t get pregnant soon. I don't think I could survive without him now that I know what it's like to have him here with me.

I try to not make him do stuff with me other than sex because I think the only reason he paid attention to me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He told me all about the things he used to do for fun, beside sex and none of it is anything we did or can do. I think he knew that I hadn't had any human contact in a long time and was probably just being nice to me so I wouldn’t feel bad. I don't want him to act interested in me out of pity if it makes him unhappy.

If I get pregnant, I’d make everyone happy, I’d be happy, even if I’m scared. I weighed myself on the scale this morning and it said I gained 7 pounds since the time I weighed myself last month. I know that I eat a lot more now that I cook bigger meals because Brian is here, but I really think that my tummy has gotten a little bigger. It feels harder under my belly button too and when I sit down the position I am now, I think I can see a little bump.

Oh my! I can hear the door outside open and close. They’re delivering something and I hope that it’s the tests.

***

3rd Person P.O.V.

Brian and Justin both jumped up from their seats and raced toward the front door, Justin, unceremoniously dumping his cat from his lap. Duchess’ eyes narrowed at her humans, especially her boy who hasn’t been as attentive as he usually is since the man showed up.

Justin stood back, anxiously smiling as Brian bent down and gathered the large tupperware box from the ground. Brian tried to avoid looking at the prison-like door, closed his eyes until he turned out of the entryway, and placed the box on the bar top.

“Come on, come on,” Justin encouraged, walking toward the kitchen.

Duchess jumped from the couch, onto the barstool and then onto the counter. She could smell her kitty treats and slid her body against the plastic box while meowing.

“Just a minute, Duchess,” Brian chastised the kitten. “I really wish you wouldn’t let her get up where we eat,” he told Justin, picking up the cat and placing her back down on the floor. “It’s disgusting.”

Justin rolled his eyes at Brian. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop Duchess, she always had a mind of her own. “Maybe there is a test in here this time!”

“Maybe,” Brian said softly, hoping that if there were, the test would come up positive. He opened the lid of the container and there, on top of all the groceries sat the pregnancy test. He sucked in a relieved breath at the same time that Justin laughed in excitement.

“Yes!” Justin shouted, taking the test box out, he held it up as if it was a prize, but then frowned. “Oh, no, what if I can’t pee?”

“You’ll pee, Justin,” Brian told him. “Come on, let’s take it now.”

“I’m so excited!” Justin giggled, running after Brian and into the bathroom.

“I…I... Justin, I don’t want you to get your hopes up again.” Brian spoke to Justin, taking the box from him and tearing it open.

Justin could see the disappointment and pain in Brian’s hazel eyes. “I’ll try,” he whispered. “I just want it so bad.”

Brian cups his lovers face and kissed his lips softly. “I know you want it, Justin. I want it too, but I want you to be happy and if it isn’t positive, I promise you that one day it will be.” It was something Brian couldn’t predict for sure, but he hoped his words could calm Justin down a little. “I…I love you,” he spoke huskily.

Justin smiled at Brian’s words and kissed him passionately. “I love you too, Brian.”

Overcome with fear and emotion Brian gently pushed Justin away from him and directed, “Go by the toilet, I’ll hand them to you like we did last time.”

Justin dropped his sweats and took his cock into his hand. “I do have to go Brian,” he informed the man.

“Good, just a second.” Brian took the plastic off the test and handed it to Justin.

Justin pissed onto the window of the stick, handed it off to Brian when he was finished and pulled back up his pants. They both washed their hands and then joined them, watching the window and waiting for something to appear.

To Brian it felt too déjà vu as he held onto Justin’s hand and rubbed circles on his palm. However, he didn’t want their fears of the future to stop his hope, his happiness of what the reality might be. Brian only wanted to think of the many joyous things that could come from Justin being pregnant. Those thoughts were overwhelming in themselves, there was no need to add fear of the kidnappers into his thoughts in these moments of waiting. Surges of love coursed through Brian’s body causing him to pull his lover closer to him as he glanced at the second hand of the clock on the wall. Two more minutes and they should have a glimpse into their radical future.

For Justin the whole scene suddenly pained him. He felt the regret, disappointment, and the all-encompassing let down he felt the other times he and Brian stood, staring at the pregnancy tests.

He wanted to be a father, to have a family. He wanted to make Brian happy. It gave him the will to hope that one day they would escape. One day, they would live in a big house, in a huge yard, far away from anyone watching their every move. They would get married, raise their baby in a happy home, and spend the rest of their lives together. Most of all, he wanted Brian to stay with him. Justin was terrified that this could be their last chance, Brian would be taken, and the thoughts of what they might do to him scared him to death.

He moved closer to Brian and breathed in the strong heady scent of the man he loved, wrapping his arms around him. His body tingled with the aroma of Brian’s shampoo and cologne. Everything else once again started to slip away. Brian had that power over him and Justin craved it.

“It….it’s time,” Brian spoke, his voice tickling Justin’s ear. He turned his head and looked at the stick.

Justin felt a mixture of emotions so opposite from the ones that had run rampant that his body started to shake and he felt as though he might pass out. “Oh my God, Oh my God, Brian,” he muttered. “Brian… oh my God!

Brian moved behind Justin, wrapped his arms around him and then rested his hands on the bump he’d been denying he noticed before this moment. He knew Justin’s body, knew every centimeter of his skin, but he had blocked the change from his mind because he didn’t want to get his own hopes up.

Justin whispered through choked sobs, “Do you feel it, Brian?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah Justin, I feel it, I noticed it before but I didn’t want to say anything in case you were just gaining weight. But it’s…”

“It’s our baby inside me, growing,” Justin whispered.

Brian looked in the mirror and held Justin’s eyes with tear-filled ones. He smiled and kissed the side of Justin’s cheek. “Congratulations,” he whispered.

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Moments in Captivity

Chapter Seven: New

Sunday, December 31, 1995

Justin squeezed a large drop of lotion in his hand and placed his palm down on his bare leg. He rubbed the lotion in a long strip up his thigh and paused. “Oh my God!” he gasped in horror.

Days after he sent out for his shopping list, Justin ran out of his butter lotion and now used a mint lotion that had no tone to it. The pure white cream was the exact same color as his skin. He knew that he lost any of the tan he’d had shortly after being taken, but he hadn’t realized just how white he’d become. He looked in the mirror and brushed a hand through his hair, which had changed too. His hair had no highlights; it was all one muted blond color. He hated his appearance and it made him hate his captors more than he already did. He was helpless and could not stop them from changing so much of his inside and outside.

Duchess scratched her nails on the other side of the door as she called for her boy. “Mrrrr… Mrrrr….”

“I’ll be out in a minute, Duchess,” Justin called to the cat. He glanced up at the clock and growled when he saw the time. He had three minutes before they’d come and get him.

After quickly applying the rest of the lotion, Justin dressed and opened the bathroom door.

Duchess glared at Justin and turned away from him, flicking her tail up in the air.

“Don’t be like that,” Justin told her, bending and picking her up. “It’s my birthday, so you have to be nice to me.” He pets her soft fur and observed, “You know, I’m practically whiter than you are and you’re almost as white as the snow.”

Duchess jumped out of Justin’s arms as they reached the kitchen and raced to her bowl. “Meow,” she purred, looking from the bowl and then to the cabinet where Justin kept her food.

“I’ve got something special for you, today.” Justin opened the freezer door and smiled at the site inside. He’d turned the temperature setting down so that everything in it would be covered in ice and snow. “I didn’t think you’d ever get to see snow, Duchess. But look, I’ve got some for you and inside the snowball is a treat.”

Duchess didn’t care less about her boy’s excitement until he said her favorite word, treat, that peaked her interest. She slowly walked over to Justin and curiously looked up at him. The white thing in his hand didn’t look like any treat he’d ever given her before.

Justin bent down and held out his freezing hand, “Look, yummy treat, Duchess. There are sardines inside the snow.”

Duchess hesitantly sniffed at the snow and faintly detected the smell of her favorite treat. She cautiously stuck her tongue out and licked the spot where the strongest scent was located. Her tongue caught the flavor and she licked again, wanting more and more.

Justin laughed, “So you like it? Good. Let me put it in your bowl.”

“Brrrr…” Duchess growled at Justin and followed after him greedily.

“You can have it now,” Justin said, dropping the snow into the bowl.

Duchess leapt over to the bowl and swatted Justin’s hand away and began to lick at the cold treat.

“No thank you?” Justin asked, putting his hands on his hips. “You are one spoiled kitty.”

He washed his hands and set about making himself a bowl of cereal, every now and then he glanced at his cat and grinned at the slow progress she made on the icy ball. “After we’re done eating we’re going to watch “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” tape that I got for Christmas. I’m going to make us popcorn. I know you probably don’t care, Duchess, but it’s a tradition. I used to watch it all the time with Mommy and Daddy.”

Duchess looked at her boy and could see the wet stuff falling down his face again. She really liked her treat but she knew that when Justin looked sad he liked to pet her.

Justin swallowed around the lump in his throat and pushed his bowl of cereal away from him. He wasn’t supposed to eat cereal on New Year’s Eve or any thing else he was able to have delivered to his prison. He was supposed to eat stuff from the Hickory Farms box he always gave his Dad for Christmas. However, he couldn’t find it in any of the magazines he had and when he asked for a box of it on his shopping list, it never came. He remembered that he and his Mom would have to go to a special cart in the middle of the mall to buy it and figured that his captors would never do that for him.

Duchess leapt onto the chair beside Justin before promptly leaping onto his lap and cuddling against his stomach. “Mmmmrrr, Mmmmrrr,” she purred soothingly.

Justin smiled down at his kitten. “You’re the best kitty in the world, Duchess,” he praised, petting her. “You deserve to be spoiled.”

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