The Christmas Eves

Chapter Four: Cold

It only took Brian a few seconds of adjusting to come to terms with the scene before him. He’d thought he had done and said all the right things. Brian did not know what it was he’d done wrong. He thought that his family would be fine as long as he could stop Justin from driving, and then he would show up at Debbie’s house.

The morning progressed much in the same way as it had yesterday. Brian tried to do and say things to make it different as he smiled and ate his breakfast. His mind was preoccupied with a way to devise a plan of action that would make Justin and the kids see Christmas Day.

Justin smiled and talked to Brian in a civil happy manner while the kids were in the bedroom with them, but once they were gone he closed the door and decided to try to confront Brian's standoffish behavior as the man finished his meal. Lately he may not have stood up for himself, but that was because he was always so tired and he tried to ignore the things that would cause him too much stress.

However, he couldn’t ignore Brian’s bad behavior to his kids, though he knew that his husband probably wouldn’t understand what was wrong with it. He rarely did. Justin couldn’t bring himself to let it go. "It's Christmas Eve, Brian, and they are kids and they’re excited about Santa coming. It's the first year that Reaghan is really excited. I know you're probably thinking about your meeting but you could have indulged with them in their happiness and anticipation for a few minutes. You didn’t have to ignore their excitement."

Brian felt his stomach turn and suddenly didn't feel like eating any more. He glanced at Justin and knew that he had to diffuse the man's anger or he wouldn't be getting anywhere with his plan. He tried to think of something to say as he put the tray back down on his nightstand and started to get out of the bed, but paused when Justin started to speak again.

"So what? Now you aren't going to eat your breakfast. Do you know how fucking long it took the kids and me to cook all that shit for you? You better not let the kids see you didn't eat it all, Brian. If it weren't for them wanting to surprise you I wouldn't have even bothered." Justin wiped away the tears in his eyes. He could feel his body start to shake and knew that he needed to sit down and breathe out the stress. Reluctantly he went over to his side of the bed and sat down, his back to Brian.

Brian took Justin's words to heart. He knew that he shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t help it. He was completely shocked at the immense anger his husband had for him, anger he was experiencing so harshly and once again having no real idea on how to fix things between them.

He wondered to himself if life with him really had been this bad before, before the first time he'd lost his family. He knew that this entire thing had to be some kind of cosmic mind fuck for him, or it was a huge fucking blessing giving him a chance to save them. He decided it was probably both, but that didn’t make him feel any more certain of what he needed to do. It didn’t make the twisting ache in his gut subside and it didn’t give him a clear head; he was only confused.

Nevertheless, how could he save Justin if the man would most likely not listen to a word he had to say? Obviously, Brian knew this was a chance to fix things but he had no idea where to start. However, he decided he at least needed to address Justin's present concerns; it wasn't as if he could change all the past fuck-ups in one day.

He looked over and saw Justin's head was in his hands and his shoulders were shaking slightly. Justin was obviously crying and it broke Brian's heart. He crawled over behind Justin and reached his hand out to touch his husband's back, hoping to soothe him in some way.

"Don't, Brian," Justin whispered. He could feel Brian's warm palm inches from his shoulder blade. He wanted the touch and loathed it all in the same instant. He heard Brian let out a long sigh and the sound of him dropping his hand abruptly onto his leg. Justin wiped the tears off his face and spoke in a gruff voice, "You don’t have to act like you give a shit about my feelings anymore, Brian. Just leave me alone while I fucking cry because I’m not crying for you, I’m crying for the family you don’t want.”

“Justin…" Brian tried to interrupt.

Justin wouldn’t let him, “Okay… fine… I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. Because it’s hard being in love with someone so completely, and knowing that they don’t love you.”

"I do," Brian said in a pleading but strong voice. It echoed with the year of pain he experienced in another reality. The year of not wanting to live, yet breathing without his beloved's breath beside him each night. The year of pretending and cheap desperation came out in silent tears that traced down his cheeks. "I love you. I love you so much, Justin, and I’ll never stop loving you."

Justin held back a gasp as his heart felt like it was swelling; his ears hearing the words sent a painful reaction deep within him but it was quickly quelled from the memories of the last year and the disregard he'd seen his husband give his children minutes before.

There had been a time when Justin would have believed those three little words the moment they were spoken. A time when Brian had shown him with actions too, constantly, making Justin believe that they were true. Justin had believed him; he'd thought that those words were real nearly every time Brian had said them. He'd even hoped that today it might be possible to uncover the Brian that had said the words and meant them, but not after the display he'd witnessed.

He wouldn't allow anyone to put a damper on his children's happiness, especially not the way Brian had this morning. Brian was so oblivious to that too, which hurt even more. He couldn't let Brian hurt his children anymore.

"Justin," Brian soldiered on and tried to turn his blond to face him but Justin resisted and stood up and started to walk into the bathroom, not even glancing his way.

Brian tried to go after him but his husband had switched the lock on the door. "Justin, please just come talk to me."

Justin disrobed and turned on the water, trying not to give in to Brian. He could hear in the man's voice that he was upset, maybe even a little regretful, but he also heard confusion and that only made Justin's decision stronger. He walked over to the door, leaned his forehead against the wood and took a deep breath. "You never listen to me, Brian. You haven't in so fucking long. You don't even know what I'm upset about, do you?"

Brian leaned his head against the door on the other side and shook his head 'no'. There were so many things he could list off that he knew he’d done wrong, ways he’d hurt his children and Justin. It was overwhelming.

In retrospect, every detail of his past sins clawed at his brain and he felt like he was choking on them. He was unable to answer Justin with any one thing; there were far too many and that sickened him.

"You never do, Brian. You've ignored me for a long time and slowly you really began to ignore Zaira and Reaghan. I kept hoping...." Justin’s voice trailed off when he realized he was going to give Brian more reasons that the man would not absorb. "Never mind, Brian. You don’t really give a shit. I know that now. I'm filing for divorce the day after Christmas."

Brian felt his knees go weak at Justin's words and he had to grip onto the sides of the door to keep standing. "Justin, no," he pleaded.

Justin backed away from the door and sniffled a few times before wiping away the last of his tears. "This isn't a rash decision, Brian. I want you to know that. You've changed, and I tried, I really did try to help you. To stop you, just like you asked me to, and I promised I would try with all I had," he yelled. "But it was never enough! I was never enough, was I?"

"Justin, you always were. It's my fault, I know that," Brian yelled back.

Justin had gone over to the shower and turned on the water. Not hearing Brian's answering remark he came back to the door. "Go use the guest shower, get ready for your meeting and I hope you come to Debbie's and celebrate with your children. Maybe you'll see what you're going to lose. But either way, Brian, you've already lost me and I can't subject my children to your blatant disregard anymore!" With those last words, Justin walked into the shower and sat down on the bench, letting the hot spray wash away and drown out his tearful sobs.

Brian called for Justin repeatedly before finally realizing that no matter what, the younger man wasn't going to be listening to anything he had to say anytime soon.

"Dada, Daddy!" Brian looked over at the bedroom door and heard Zaira's voice on the other side as she knocked on it.

He wiped the tears from his face and cleared his throat before opening the door. Zaira stood looking at him with a pout and tears in her blue eyes. She looked exactly like Justin at that moment.

"What's the matter, baby girl?" Brian asked softly and crouched down next to his daughter.

Zaira looked behind him into the room, "Where's Daddy?"

"He's taking a shower," Brian told her, standing back up.

"Do you want to go play tea party with me and Reaghan, Dada?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure, I'll be there in just a minute. I've got to make a quick phone call," he told her, leaning down and kissing her forehead.

Zaira's face lit up with a smile, her expression once again mirroring one of Justin’s. Now happy, she squealed and skipped away down the hall.

Brian went back into the bedroom and grabbed his cell phone to call Cynthia.

"Hello, Boss," the secretary’s tired voice said on the other line.

"I need you to push the interview back an hour," Brian told his assistant, without so much as a hello, let alone a 'Merry Christmas'.

"What? Hmm..." Cynthia asked, still not fully awake.

"I need you to push the interview back an hour. Do you think you can do that?" Brian asked again.

"Are you sure you just don't want to reschedule it?" Cynthia asked innocently.

"Just push it back an hour. I have to drive Justin and the kids into town to Debbie's house, so I'm going to need a little more time."

"Sure, Brian," Cynthia said. "Are you coming to the office after the interview?”

"Yes, we still have a lot of work that needs to be accomplished for the French Essentials account. I'll see you after the interview.” He didn't give her time to reply before he hung up and went down the hall into the playroom.

***

"Do you need a refill, Dada?" Zaira asked, holding the plastic teakettle over Brian's teacup.

"No thanks, I'm fine. I have to go take a shower in just a minute," Brian told his daughter, pretending to sip the last of the imaginary tea.

"I need a wefill," Reaghan said, holding out his cup to his sister.

Zaira carefully filled Reaghan's cup before doing the same with her own.

"This is very good tea you guys made," Brian told his children, dabbing at his lips with a napkin.

"Did you read your card on your breakfast tray, Dada?" Zaira asked.

Brian stopped mid-sip and cleared his throat, "No, but I will, I promise."

"Reaghan, Zaira, I need you guys to come..." Justin stopped in his tracks at the entrance to the playroom. "What are you doing here, Brian?"

"Having tea," Reaghan answered for his Dada.

Justin couldn't help but be shocked at the scene before him. Brian was still in his sweats and sitting at Reaghan and Zaira's miniature table having a tea party with them.

"It's very good tea, too," Brian added. He took a moment to appreciate Justin's beauty. His husband was wearing a dark green cashmere sweater and a pair of charcoal grey slacks. Brian thought he looked stunningly beautiful.

"Well, we need to get ready to go," Justin addressed the kids.

"Aww... but we were having fun," Zaira whined, sounding like her Uncle Michael.

"Yeah, I didn't finish my tea," Reaghan said.

Justin and Brian both laughed.

"I've got to go get showered and dressed," Brian said, standing up from the miniature chair. "You listen to your Daddy and go get your clothes on. You want to open your presents at Debbie's, don't you?"

"Oh, yes!" Zaira said, getting up from the table and disappearing out the door with Reaghan following her.

Justin stared at Brian for a minute before turning away and heading after the kids.

Brian sprinted up behind him. "Justin."

Justin spun around. "What?"

"I'm going to drive to Debbie's," Brian told him.

"You are," Justin asked, trying to keep the hopeful tone out of his words.

Brian nodded, "Yeah, I'm going to go shower and I'll meet you and the kids downstairs in a half hour, okay?"

“What about my Mom? We’re supposed to go over to her hotel and open gifts,” Justin asked him.

“Well, why don’t you call her and see if she wants to come over to the house tonight to do that?” Brian suggested.

Confused by Brian’s change, Justin could only nod his head. “Okay. I’ll go get the kids ready and meet you downstairs in a half hour.”

***

"Really, Brian, we do have to get there before Christmas," Justin said loudly, trying to speak over the Christmas carols playing on the radio.

"What? There are a lot of crazy drivers out there and I just want to make sure that we're safe," Brian told him.

Justin rolled his eyes, "You went 45 on the expressway, Brian."

"That's the speed limit," Brian countered.

"The minimum speed limit, and it’s for trucks and trailers, Brian."

"It's snowing, and an SUV is classified as a truck."

Justin laughed. "You're right, it's snowing and we are in an SUV that has four-wheel drive, Brian. It’s not classified as a truck; it's a sport utility vehicle."

"Whatever," Brian said, slowly turning onto Debbie's street and even more slowly parallel parking beside the curb in front of the house.

"Thank god we're here," Justin said, opening his door and getting out of the car.

Brian went around, helped Reaghan out of the car and then helped grab some of the presents from the trunk.

Once inside Debbie's warm house, everyone started to take their heavy coats off except Brian. This was not unnoticed by Justin who went over to him as the kids were saying hello to the family.

"Just go, Brian," Justin whispered, angrily shaking his head.

"What?" Brian said, wondering how Justin’s mood and opinion toward him could change constantly, so drastically.

"Go to your fucking meeting. We'll see you later." Justin walked away from Brian and went back over to greet Debbie with a hug.

Brian watched the scene and then quickly slipped out the door. He knew that he would make things right when he came back for dinner. Right now, he needed to wow the interviewer.

***

Brian cautiously left his phone on throughout the interview. When it was over, he let out sigh of relief before getting in the SUV and starting the engine. While it heated up his phone began to vibrate.

His heart started beating quickly as he answered it, "Hello?"

"Brian!" Debbie's frantic voice was on the other end and there was a lot of background noise.

"Yeah..." His voice cracked and he could feel his heart breaking.

"The tree caught on fire Brian. Justin and the kids were upstairs napping and..."

"Hello? Debbie?" Brian yelled into the phone.

"Brian." It was Michael's voice now.

"Mikey, what happened?" Brian asked, panicking.

"Mom's house caught on fire, Brian. Justin and the kids were trapped upstairs, they... they couldn't get them out," he sobbed.

Brian once again felt blackness and numbness overtake his body as the SUV swerved in the road.

***

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled expression.

Brian bolted up in bed and looked around, "What the fuck is going on?" he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing…again. "Never mind," he sighed. “I know what's going on,” he thought.