He found a place to stay near the edge of the city. There were a lot of abandoned warehouses from shut down steel mills and he found a bunch of hustlers living in one that didn’t seem to care if he joined in. They didn’t exactly welcome him with open arms, but they didn’t try to steal from him and didn’t kick him out. Some even taught him a few tricks of the trade.

He didn’t want to hustle, but he was only sixteen and he didn’t know what else to do to make money. So he listened closely and hit the streets soon after arriving. He lost his virginity to a large man who smelled of sweat and had coffee breath. Ultimately he was glad it happened that way; it allowed him to let go of any romantic notions he had in one fell swoop.

However, just because he was stuck hustling for now didn’t mean much. He had big plans. He wasn’t going to let his parents fuck up his life for him. He’d save up. He’d get his own apartment.  And when he had a real address he could get a real job. He already had a fake ID, so he wouldn’t even have to wait until he was eighteen.

He’d show his parents that even though he was gay didn’t mean they could keep him down. He’d make them all jealous and they’d come crawling to him, begging for forgiveness.

At least, that was what he told himself every night before going to sleep.

“No, I know. I told you I’m on my way!” Melanie snapped into the phone as she skirted around Lindsey, who was desperately trying to keep Gus cheerful while the boy was on the brink of a fit. Melanie was carrying some stray clothes in her hands and cradling the phone to her ear with her shoulder. She threw the clothes into the bag and then grabbed the phone intently. “Well then just do it!”

“Melanie, keep your voice down.” Lindsey tried to caution as she bounced Gus up and down in her arms. Melanie waved a bit to motion that she’d heard and then focused back on the phone.

“Ok just…I’ll be there as soon as I can.” She insisted before angrily hanging up and throwing the phone onto the couch. Lindsey flinched a little and turned Gus away in case it bounced back and flew at them.

“What’s going on?” Lindsey asked apprehensively. Wishing she knew why Melanie seemed to be packing for the both of them.

“My mom had a stroke. She’s at the hospital…It’s not looking good.” Melanie said simply as she grabbed more clothes out of a hamper and threw them into the suitcase.  It was obvious she was worried, Lindsey could see her brow folded together in the middle and she was shaking lightly as she moved around.

“Ok but what about Gus?” Lindsey asked slowly. “We can’t just bring him with us.  We’ll be at the hospital the entire time and he can’t-.”

“I know! God! Just…” Melanie paused just long enough to pull at her hair in frustration.

“Debbie is working all day.” Lindsey reminded and then shifted her weight to her other hip. “Maybe…” She started and then cut herself off as she shook her head.

“What?” Melanie demanded as she started moving again.

“Well, we could call Brian…But…Justin…” She trailed off weakly and Melanie sighed and nodded slowly.

“Well, call him. I want to get to the hospital as soon as we can and we have to drive all the way to Florida.” Melanie insisted and took Gus from Lindsey so she could call Brian.

Brian paused from typing long enough to raise his hand to his mouth and yawn. Justin’s nightmares last night were some of the worst there’d been; there was only two of them, but they hit hard. The first wasn’t so bad; Brian was able to calm the boy down in a few minutes and get them both back to sleep. The second, however, kept them both awake for several hours. By the time Justin had fallen back asleep it was nearly time for Brian to get up for work anyways, so he’d simply turned off the alarm and got an early start to the day.

He was exhausted, but he’d had nights with little sleep before. They’d only been filled with drugs, alcohol and a lot of anonymous sex. Oddly enough, they were less draining than Justin’s nightmares.

He briskly shook his head, trying to shake the exhaustion from his body, and blearily looked at the screen once more. For the life of him he couldn’t remember what he was working on. “Fuck.” He muttered once before he scrolled up to the top and started reading all over again.

It started coming back to him, so he was able to scroll through most of the contract, but by the time he got back to where he left off, the phone rang. He scowled and glared at it. “I swear to God, Justin, if this is you I’m hanging up.” He murmured angrily before he picked up the phone.

He wouldn’t hang up if it was Justin. But it felt good to say.

He reached out and picked up the phone slowly. “Kinney.” He answered brusquely, hoping it was a customer.

“Brian! Thank god I caught you. Melanie’s mom is in the hospital and we have to leave but we can’t take Gus because it’s a hospital and he’d just be squirming and he’s already upset and-.”

“Lindsey, slow the fuck down. What?” Brian asked as he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his hand.

“Melanie’s mom is in the hospital.” Lindsey repeated slowly, and now that she had calmed down a bit Brian could hear chaos on the other line of the phone. His son was screaming, Melanie was shouting, and Lindsey sounded like she was at her wits end. “We can’t bring Gus with us because we’re going to be at the hospital the entire time and it just isn’t a good place for an infant. Debbie can’t watch him because she’s working.”

Brian suddenly frowned and looked around his office. “So am I.” He reminded and Lindsey sighed heavily.

“I know but…Brian we’re in a bind. Can’t you take off for a few days?” She pleaded and Brian hated that tone because it made him want to give in. Lindsey was a dear friend, he wanted to help her whenever he could.

“I would if I could, Lindsey. But where would I keep him? Justin isn’t…” He paused because he was about to say the word ‘right’, but that would imply something was ‘wrong’ and he refused to say that out loud. Before he could think of something else to say, Lindsey spoke again.

“Maybe it would be good for Justin. He’s been cooped up with only you for company and Gus is just a baby, it’s not like he’s going to hurt him.  And you know how much Justin loves him.”

Lindsey was ranting again and Brian sighed. He knew Justin loved Gus – Justin used to spend more time with the kid than he did. But that was before, and this is now. ‘Maybe she’s right. You know he isn’t getting better. Maybe Gus is a safe way to get him used to other people again. It’s not like he can be afraid of him. The kid can barely even walk.’ Brian thought, but in the back of his mind he couldn’t help but think what a terrible idea this was.

He took a deep breath; he had to take a chance that this would help him. “Ok. Just…give me some time to try and talk to him, okay? Come over in half an hour but call me before you come inside.” Brian informed and Lindsey happily agreed.

Brian hung up, paged Cynthia and began collecting his things. As soon as his assistant walked in she knew immediately he was leaving for the day. “Justin again?” She asked.

Brian nodded once and threw his things in a briefcase. “I’ll be working from home, if I can. Tell Ryder.”

“You think he’ll be mad?” She asked and Brian shrugged as he brushed passed her.

“I don’t care. I’m already gone.” He forwent the elevator and jogged down the stairs to his jeep, wondering how he was going to pitch this to Justin.

Justin was craning his head trying to see down the street better, and wishing the window was tilted so it was an easier process. He couldn’t even count the number of times he’d bumped his head on the glass trying to get a better view. Brian warned him about it constantly, but he still managed to do it several times a day.

He had his good hand pressed against the glass while his bad one was jammed into his pocket and forgotten about. It was easy to forget about, seeing as it was so worthless. It still ached from his morning exercises, which he did despite Brian not being there to force him. However, he was used to the dull pain and it didn’t even register to him anymore. It was just another aspect of his new life that he was growing accustomed to.

And honestly, he liked those parts. He liked the monotony and the predictability of his new life. Sure, he didn’t get to do much, but at least he knew he’d always be safe. Outside, there were too many variables to keep track of. There were so many people who could do anything to him at any time. It was impossible to watch everything going on around him. The only way to stay safe was to stay inside the loft.

It was the only way to stay alive.

Although, if he were being honest with himself, there were times he wished Hobbs had simply finished the job. It would make things easier on everyone; himself, his friends, Brian. He knew Brian’s entire life had been screwed up after he moved in with him. He disrupted everything and basically put a halt to all of the things Brian liked most. He knew that it wouldn’t be long before Brian got sick of it – and then he could only wonder what would happen to him.

They might put him in an institute. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Justin had already thought about what it would be like in one in preparation for when he was sent away. There’d be schedules and monotony – just like now. There’d be people, but they could probably limit the ones he saw. He’d get used to it eventually.

Brian might even come see him a few times. But then he’d get busy with his old life back and Justin would be forgotten. He was alright with that, too. He wanted Brian to be happy and he knew that as long as he was around that wasn’t going to happen.

He’d thought about solving the problem himself a few times. He was alone all day and it’d be easy to do it before Brian got back. But he didn’t want Brian to have to walk in and see it. He didn’t want to cause him any more problems. So, he’d carry on until another solution presented itself.

For now, he’d keep busy by watching the street and the building across the way.

He stiffened and jerked around when he heard someone at the door. His brow furrowed and he prepared to run into the bathroom, knowing that Brian wasn’t due home from work for hours to come. He tensed, prepared, and almost bolted for the bedroom until he saw Brian’s briefcase enter the loft, followed by the man himself.

Relief filled him and forced a small smile. “You scared me.” He said honestly and watched Brian pause and then slid the large door shut.

“Sorry.” Was all he was given, but Justin shrugged.

“You’re not supposed to be back until tonight.” He pointed out as he walked away from the window and to the man. He watched Brian set his briefcase on his desk and took off his suit jacket. He was acting like he was home for the day, so Justin smiled – it was a nice surprise, even if it disrupted his treasured routine.

“Decided to head home early. I didn’t have much to do.” Brian was lying to him, and Justin could tell, but he didn’t care. Whatever brought Brian home didn’t really matter to him. It was out there; a whole other world as far as he was concerned. He nodded a few times and then went and embraced him.

With Brian being the only person he ever saw, all of his need for physical contact had to come from him. And, despite being bashed in the head and terrified of almost everything, he still needed to be touched. He had been an artist, a very tactile person, and he refused to let what happened to him make him too afraid to feel Brian. Sure, there were limits to what kind of touching he could do now, but he didn’t feel as safe anywhere else as he felt in Brian’s arms.  Brian always held him back, even when it was the middle of the night and there were tears streaming down his face.

He felt a kiss on the top of his head, which was usually the sign that Brian was done holding him for the time being. Justin let go and stepped back with a calm smile.

“Anything interesting happen today?” Brian asked as he began undoing his tie. Justin could still sense apprehension from the man, and he worriedly looked to his hand exercises.

“It isn’t noon yet, I’m not supposed to do them again for another few hours.  And I did them this morning.  I promise!” Justin immediately said with distress evident in his voice.  He was hushed with a hand on his shoulder.

“I know. I meant out there.” Brian pointed to the window and Justin physically relaxed.  He didn’t want to disappoint Brian, ever.  If he disappointed him any more than he already had, he was likely to lose him forever.

“Oh. Yeah, kind of. You know the apartment straight across? The one with the family with way too many kids?” Justin waited until Brian nodded. “They’re moving out.” He said and Brian scoffed a bit.

“Probably bought a little house in the suburbs, with a white picket fence.” He muttered and Justin led him to the window to point out exactly what he was talking about. Brian followed willingly and looked out the window with him.

“Yeah…” Just responded distantly and looked up at Brian again. It was a few seconds before Brian looked back at him, but he did and then he smiled. Justin smiled back because it was Brian and Brian made him happy. But then Brian’s smile faded and Justin’s stomach turned into a rock because that apprehension was back.

“Speaking of kids…” He started slowly and Justin tilted his head a bit to motion him to continue. “I was thinking about Gus earlier.”

Justin knew this was going somewhere. He just couldn’t imagine where.

“I was thinking about…how much you liked babysitting him. Remember that?” Brian asked and Justin shrugged a little, now feeling uncomfortable. He didn’t need reminders about things before.

“Yeah.” He answered and watched Brian fidget nervously. Something was definitely going on.

“You tried to teach him how to draw before he could even walk. I thought that was crazy but he still seemed to like it.” Justin watched as Brian slid his hands into his pockets to try and hide the fidgeting, but it didn’t really work. Justin knew him too well. “Anyways, I was thinking, maybe seeing Gus-.”

“No.” Justin said adamantly, then spun and stomped off into the bedroom before Brian could continue.

“Justin.” He could hear Brian call out after him, but he didn’t stop until he was in the bathroom and shut the door. He didn’t lock it – he’d never lock Brian out – but he held onto the handle so he’d know immediately if Brian was going to come in. “Justin come out, we’re just talking here.” Brian’s voice was slightly muffled.

“No. I’m not going to see Gus. I’d just freak him out!” Justin insisted, and then bit his bottom lip.

His heart was pounding and he had to start pacing on the tiled floor. It was too much – too much responsibility. Gus was just a kid! He couldn’t be around a kid. He’d freak out, and then Gus would freak out, and then he’d never be allowed to see him again. He gasped as suddenly it was hard to breath.

“Justin I can hear you hyperventilating. I’m coming in, okay?” Brian asked and Justin nodded, even if he couldn’t see it.

Brian started opening the door while Justin continued pacing. Before Brian got inside the bathroom, however, Justin heard the metallic rumbling of the loft door sliding open. He gasped and snapped his head up as fear shot through his body.

Someone was coming inside. It could be anyone. He’d distracted Brian as soon as he came inside and he hadn’t had time to lock the door. It could be Hobbs for all he knew. “NO!” Justin shouted as he gripped his head and fell to his knees. He was shaking and he couldn’t breathe.

He heard Brian say something but he couldn’t hear what. Not over the roaring going on in his head.

Brian’s eyes widened as he watched Justin meltdown right in front of him. Not out of shock or fear, but out of exasperation – because of course Lindsey and Melanie wouldn’t call like he told them to. He wanted to go to Justin to try and calm him down, but he reluctantly turned away to instead deal with the problem at its source.

“What part of call first don’t you understand?” Brian snapped as he walked out of the bedroom and to the trio standing in his living room.

“Is that Justin?” Lindsey asked, concern on her face.

“No I was fucking Santa Claus – of course it’s Justin!” He was angry, mostly at himself for ever thing think was a good idea, but it was easier to blame them for everything. Thankfully, Brian noted that Gus seemed confused and not upset, despite the loud screams coming from the bathroom.

“You need to go.” He said and began ushering them to the door.

“What about Gus?” Melanie asked, her gaze flickering to the door of the bathroom.

Brian huffed and walked to his desk to swiftly pull out a check. He scribbled out most of the fields but left the amount empty. “Here. Hire someone until Debbie can take him.” He said and then continued pushing them out. He almost got them to the door but Lindsey turned back Gus still in her arms. He was going to snap at her again, but she spoke first.

“Good luck.” Was all she said before pressing a kiss to his cheek and leaving with Melanie. Brian swiftly shut and locked the door behind them and pressed a hand to his head, beginning to get a headache.

He gave himself a moment of alone time before deciding to go confront Justin in the bathroom. Once he had calmed down enough to be helpful, he walked back inside and knelt down on the tile next to his boy. Justin had stopped howling but he didn’t seem aware of his surroundings yet so Brian was tentative when he put an arm around Justin’s shoulders. He felt him tense immediately, but then he relaxed and leaned against him.

“I’m sorry.” Brian said softly as Justin rocked back and forth in his arms. “I shouldn’t have-I just thought it might help.”

“You trapped me.” Justin’s voice was shaking and weak, but it was still thick with accusation. Brian couldn’t deny it, because it had been a trap. He’d just thought it would have gone better.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, sincerely. Despite his old adage of ‘no apologies and no regrets’ he’d said the words a lot to Justin lately, and he meant them every time. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore, so when he messed up he felt regret. He felt like he was setting off every mine in the field every time he moved. “I’m just trying to do what I think is best for you.” He said honestly.

“You want me to leave. You don’t want me to feel safe here anymore so I’ll leave.”

‘That’s new.’ Brian thought, worriedly. Justin had never accused him of that before and it hurt to know it was what he thought. “That isn’t true. I messed up – I should have told you, asked you, to see if it was okay. But I knew you’d say no without trying and I figured Gus would be a good starting place. I don’t want you to leave.” He insisted, but could feel Justin shaking his head almost neurotically.

“You do. You want your old life back. You hate having me here. You hated it when I was here before and I was normal then! You hate it. You hate me!”

“Stop!” Brian shouted, unwilling to hear anymore. Justin obeyed, but he could hear a muffled crying coming from him. “I do not hate you. I could never hate you.” He spoke the last part more gently and took a hold of Justin’s red face to make him look up. “It doesn’t matter what happens, or what you do, or what you say – I will never hate you.” Brian spoke that very clearly because he wanted Justin to understand that, if nothing else.

Distantly, he remembered a time when those words would have melted Justin to the floor. A time when he’d merely asked if Justin was going to school out of state and the boy had someone supposed that meant he was deeply in love with him. But that Justin wasn’t here anymore; his smiles, his laugh, his adoring eyes, and his tenacity were all gone.

For now.

But it would be a cold day in hell before Brian let it stay that way.

“Let’s get off the floor.” He insisted and waited for the ‘old’ joke that was never going to come. Justin obeyed silently and morosely wiped at the tears on his cheek. He followed as Brian walked him to the bed and laid him down. Brian wasn’t surprised when he quickly fell asleep. These kinds of breakdowns always left Justin exhausted. As much as he wanted to lie down and rest himself, he had something he had to do.

He was sick of walking the minefield without a map.