Chapter 25 - Not Goodbye.

“I can’t do this,” Justin said, throwing a handful of watercolor pencils at the wall as he huddled down in a corner of the room.  

“It’s going to be okay, Jus,” Daphne tried to comfort her friend.  

“No. It’s not. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t . . .” Justin mumbed. “You don’t understand, Daph. It’s not that I don’t want to do this. I just can’t.”

“Justin. I know it’s hard. You’re still recovering from the attack. There’s going to be a lot of long lasting repercussions. One of which is this fear of leaving here. But, it’ll be okay. Really, Jus. You CAN do this.” Daphne tried to cajole her friend into getting up and coming with her to look at the apartment he’d finally found online. “Just come and look at the place with me today. If you like it, we can move you in later - it doesn’t have to be right away. We can work up to it.”

“I CAN’T!” Justin was on the verge of tears, still huddled in the corner, his body shaking, and Daphne felt almost like crying too, watching Justin’s pain. “I don’t think I can do this, Daph.”

“Well, you don’t have much choice now, do you?” Daphne thought that it might be time for the tough love approach since nothing else was working. “You have exactly four days to find a new place to live, Jus. I know you’re still going through a lot of shit because of that fucker, Brandon, but you still have to get on with your life. And, part of that means finding a place to live. You’re going to have to leave this house without Brian to do that. So, get up off your ass and let’s do this.”

“I love him, Daph. If I leave here it’ll all disappear. And I don’t remember how to do any of this without him,” Justin said, his voice eerily quiet.  

“Bullshit, Jus. I know you can do this. I’ll help you and somehow you’ll do this. You’re strong and I know you won’t just give up.” Daphne wanted to stomp her feet and yell and rant at Justin - anything to get him moving and get him through this, but she knew it wasn’t working. “Justin, please. Don’t do this to yourself. I know you’re stronger than this.”  

Justin couldn’t or wouldn’t get up from his hiding place in the corner. Daphne sat next to him, her arms wrapped tightly around him, her head resting on Justin’s shoulder. Justin simply sat and stared into the distance.  

Hours later, Justin was still huddled pathetically in the corner and Daphne was completely lost as to what to do. She’d known he was hurting, that even though he tried to pretend that everything was fine, that he was over the assault, he was still a mess inside. But, this was the worst she’d seen him yet. The closer it got to August 31st, the less Justin seemed able to function. Daphne was scared and when she got scared she usually also got pissed off.  

When she finally heard a car pulling up in the driveway, she was relieved to have a focus for her anger. Daphne left Justin still sitting, practically catatonic, on the floor of the pool house and stomped into the main house, standing guard right inside the doorway to the garage. Poor Brian had no idea what was waiting for him.  

“You have to fix this,” Daphne screamed at Brian as soon as he put his head through the door. “You and your ridiculous ‘simply sexual’ business contract. It’s all your fault and you’re damn well going to fix it you bastard!”

“Hello, Daphne. So nice to see you, too. Lovely to have you here to greet me like this as I come into my own goddamned house,” Brian said, his voice increasing in volume the longer he spoke. “And, oh yeah, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s Justin. You bring him here with your bullshit about it all being strictly about the sex - that he’s just your pool boy sex toy for the summer,” Daphne was on a roll now and her anger was amazing, Brian thought, as he watched her defending her friend. “Then you do all this nice shit for him: You take him to his Graduation when his own parents won’t even bother to show up. You buy him presents - clothes, art supplies, a fucking tux. You get him his own art exhibit at a gallery and contacts with PIFA so he can get into the school of his dreams. Then, to top it all off, you go and save him from getting raped and you act all caring and nice and supportive at the hospital and afterwards. So, of course, he fucking falls in love with you. Who wouldn’t after all that. And now that your fucking contract is up, you’re going to just throw him out on the curb like yesterday’s garbage? You fucking BASTARD!”

“Daphne, calm down. I’m not fucking throwing him out. He’s . . ." But Daphne was not about to let Brian get a word in edgewise, not when she still had so much to say.

“Shut up, Brian. You don’t get to talk till I say so. Right now you’re going to fucking listen to ME. Justin’s been pretending to be all okay and strong for you so you wouldn’t see how upset he really was. But it was all just a fucking facade. Right now he’s sitting in there almost paralyzed with fear at the mere idea of having to leave here. And I don’t care how you do it, but you’re going to fucking fix this, do you hear me?”

“You care about him as much as he cares about you - I’ve seen you two together so don’t try to deny it,” Daphne went on in an only slightly less aggressive tone. “If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have done everything you’ve done since he was attacked. So, Mr. Kinney, you have two options. Either you’re going to go in there and tell Justin that you love him and BEG him to stay with you, or else I’m going to call his mother and send him back home to her and his asshole father. He may not be exactly loved there, at least not for who he really is, but at least his mother will try to take care of him and get him help. So if you don’t want to see him be sent back to that miserable hell hole, you’ll get your ass over to that pool house and take care of this right now!”  

When she had finished, Daphne stood there staring at Brian, all 5’5” of her, her arms crossed, her feet planted in a wide angry stance and her expression forbidding. Brian looked at her, completely taken aback by the vehemence of this attack on him by the petite young woman. How dare this little pipsqueak of a girl come into his house and tell him what to do? Then again, she was fucking magnificent in her anger.  

Was Justin really that upset? He hadn’t said anything to Brian. Besides, what the fuck did it matter? A deal’s a deal, right? The summer was over and they both knew this day was coming, right? Brian simply refused to look any deeper into his own reluctance to see the summer end.  

But, if he’s really that messed up that Daphne would send him back to his homophobic prick of a father . . . Jennifer wasn’t too bad, at least she tried, but Brian hadn’t heard even one good thing about Justin’s father. If Daphne thought that Justin was that bad off that he’d need to go home . . . Well, Brian wasn’t going to let that happen - not after how hard the boy had struggled to get where he was. Fine, he’d go see for himself exactly what was up with Justin.

Brian didn’t say a word. He simply walked out through the doors to the patio and across to the pool house. He didn’t see Justin at first. There were things strewn about - pencils, art supplies, things that looked like they’d been thrown - but no sign of Justin. Brian was just about to return to Daphne and tell her she was full of shit, when he finally spotted Justin out of the corner of his eye, sitting on the floor in the far corner of the room. Justin was just sitting there, his knees pulled up into his chest, his shoulders slumped and his chin resting on his knees. But Brian thought he looked so unbelievably sad, his first instinct was to rush to the boy, take him into his arms and take care of him.  

“Sunshine?” Brian said softly, not wanting to frighten him.

“Brian?” Justin looked up right away and smiled. “You’re home early."

“No. I’m not. It’s 6:30, Sunshine.”

“Oh. Well. I didn’t know it was getting that late,” Justin got up immediately and came towards Brian, the expression on his face changing at once from sadness and fear to forced cheerfulness. “Well, since it’s still early, if you want, I could make dinner for us.”

“No. It’s . . . Justin, Daphne said you were upset. What’s wrong?” Brian asked cautiously.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Justin put his arms around Brian’s neck and pushed up on his toes to kiss the taller man.

“Justin, stop,” Brian demanded. “You were sitting on the floor there staring into space when I came in and you didn’t even know I was here. Now you’re acting like it’s nothing. What the fuck is going on?”

“It’s nothing, Brian. Really. Daphne and I just had an argument,” Justin tried to blow off Brian’s concern. “I just didn’t feel like going out looking at apartments today is all. She was being a bitch about it. So, what can I make us for dinner?”

“Justin . . .” Brian started, then stopped and, deciding to change his approach he walked over to the sofa, towing Justin after him and then pulling the younger man down so that he was sitting on Brian’s lap.

“Justin. Before, when Brandon was bothering you - when he’d already hurt you once - and I asked you what was wrong, you said it was nothing. I think this is the same kind of ‘nothing’. It’s not ‘nothing’. It’s something. Something bad.”

“Brian, it’s really not like that . . .”

Brian interrupted. “No, Justin. The last time you said that I didn’t push you. I let you tell me it was nothing even though I knew better and because of it you got hurt even worse. I can’t do that again, Justin. Please, you have to tell me what’s wrong now. I know it’s NOT nothing.”

After several minutes of silence Justin answered in a small, insecure voice, “I don’t . . . I don’t want to leave. I know the time’s up and we had a deal . . . It’s just hard.”

“Justin . . .” Brian started.

“I know, Brian. I know. You don’t do relationships or boyfriends or any of that. You made that perfectly clear right from the start. I know. I know that you don’t want me here after Friday. I’ll go. Really. I will. It’s just kinda hard . . .”

“Justin, I don’t . . .”

“I know, Brian. I know. I’m just being a silly little faggot, right? I’ll go. In fact, I’ll go right now. It’ll be easier to just do it now. Ummmm. Where’s my bag? It won’t take me that long to pack,” Justin began to pull clothing out of the drawers of the bureau and stuff them in his old black duffel bag, but he was distracted by a pile of art supplies which he started to grab and put in his messenger bag.

“Justin, stop.” Brian tried to get the boy’s attention.

“You’re right, Brian. I’ll just go right now. I can get this stuff later. I don’t need it. I’ll just go.” Justin threw the bag down on the floor and grabbed his wallet and keys from the counter and started for the door empty handed.

“Justin, where the hell are you going?” Brian yelled, finally getting Justin’s attention because of the anger in his voice.

"I’m leaving,” Justin said as if that was all that mattered. “I’ll . . . I’ll find someplace . . .”

Brian grabbed Justin’s wrist and spun him around to look at him. “Justin, stop. I don’t want you to go.”

“Brian, please. It’ll just be harder if I wait until Friday. I should just go now.”

“Listen to me, Justin. Are you listening?”

“Yes. I’m listening.”

“I don’t want you to go.” Brian said as calmly as he could.

“Fine. You’re right. The deal was that I stay until August 31st. So, I’ll stay.” Justin stopped his headlong flight and turned to Brian. “So, what do you want to do tonight? I can make you dinner or we can go out for dinner, if you want. Or, if you want to skip dinner altogether, we could . . ."

“Justin, please stop. You’re killing me.” Brian tried to grab ahold of the boy but Justin was determined to do whatever it took to please Brian.

“I’m sorry, Brian. Just tell me what you want. I’m yours for another four days. So, what can we do tonight? Hmmm?” Justin said, looking at Brian seductively.

Brian shook his head, collapsed back into the sofa and scrubbed at his face with his hands. Justin rushed back to the couch and sat next to Brian, one arm tenderly stroking Brian’s hair, confusion plain on his face as he tried to figure out what he was doing wrong. Justin really didn’t want to hurt Brian, especially when they had so little time left to be together. He wanted to try to make it all perfect for this perfect man who had done so much for him. Justin didn’t know what was bothering Brian - he knew he shouldn’t have said anything earlier about not wanting to leave - he didn’t want Brian to know how truly screwed up he was but he would try to make it up to him if he could.

“Brian, please don’t be angry at me,” Justin begged. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Let me make it up to you, hm? Just tell me what I can do to make you happy.”

That was all it took to spark Brian’s anger. “Justin. Stop. JUST FUCKING STOP! Stop with the goddamned sex toy act. I don’t want you to think you’re only here to ‘make me happy’. I don’t want you like that - I never did. I just want YOU, damn it!” Brian insisted, getting up, seizing the duffle bag and dumping its contents back in the drawers then wadding it up and tossing it across the room. “I don’t want you to go. Not today and not ever. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

Brian turned back to a stunned Justin, who was sitting on the couch, watching in fascination as Brian paced back and forth across the room. When the agitated brunet got back to where Justin was waiting, he grabbed the boy and pulled him up into his arms.

“Why can’t you get it through your little blond head, Sunshine? I just want YOU. I’m a complete fucking idiot - that whole ‘simply sexual’ contract was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever come up with in my entire life. Don’t you understand, you little twat - I’ve been going crazy ever since I came in here the other day and found you looking for apartments. I thought that’s the way you wanted it - that you wanted to leave, just as planned. I knew it wasn’t fair - that I shouldn’t hold you back when you have this whole new exciting life waiting for you with school and everything - but, I’ve been trying to come up with ways to make you stay all week. I just didn’t want to be so selfish . . .”

“You want me? YOU want ME?” Justin asked incredulously, as if the concept of someone as amazing as Brian wanting to be with him was inconceivable.

“Of course I want you, Sunshine. You’re perfect - who wouldn’t want you. You’re beautiful, talented, smart, funny. You have the greatest sense of humor of anyone I’ve ever met. And you’re so fucking strong, you scare me - what you’ve gone through just in the last six months would have killed practically anyone else, but not you.” Brian was smiling now, his anger still there but fading in the face of new emotions. “Not to mention, you’re sexy as hell and a fucking fireball in bed.”  

“But what about our agreement, and your rules - you don’t want any entanglements, you said,” Justin asked, still not secure about where he stood.

“Why did you ever listen to me? I’m a complete fucking idiot, Sunshine. What the fuck would I know about relationships or entanglements. I had no idea what shit I was spouting back then. Before you came along, I just hadn’t found anyone worth getting ‘entangled’ with.” This was new ground for Brian and he was struggling to find a way to express all these foreign emotions, but he knew he had to try.

“Justin, I don’t think I CAN let you go now. Did you know I can’t get to sleep anymore until you’re in bed with me - if you’re painting or watching tv or something I just lay there awake waiting until you come to bed and then - only fucking then - can I finally fall asleep. I have a fucking photo of you on my desk at work, damn it. I have to look at my phone about twenty times a day to make sure I know where you’re at - even when I know you’re still here at the house. I fucking can’t wait to come home every night after work - I NEVER know what you’ll come up with to tease me or make me laugh - just to plain be with you makes me happier than I ever remember being.

“Don’t you understand - I’ve never felt like this before. I didn’t think I even could. I didn’t think I was the kind of person who deserved to feel like this.” Brian looked into Justin’s eyes with complete seriousness as he continued. “Justin, I don’t want you to leave me, ever. I know it sounds like I’ve become a complete lesbian, but I don’t even care anymore. I want to fucking be entangled with you, Justin. I want you here where I can protect you and take care of you and where you can take care of me.  

“So. How about we have a new agreement, Justin,” Brian proposed. “You stay here - well not here in the pool house, I mean here at the house - with me, forever. In return, I’ll take care of you and fuck you regularly and make sure you’re happy and healthy. And we can forget about the previous contract as if it never happened. How does that sound?”

“It sounds great, but . . . Well, what about me going to PIFA? I mean being your permanent sex slave isn’t really that much different than being your summer-only sex slave. It’s still gonna hurt like hell when you eventually decide you’re tired of me. I mean, I’m already running out of creative sex venues . . .” Justin was still unsure about the terms of this new ‘contract’.  

“Well, of course you would still go to school, Justin,” Brian insisted. “That’s just part of the whole take care of you and make sure you’re happy part of the agreement. I want you to go to school and be the best artist you can be - or the best whatever you want to be, if its not an artist. And you’re not just a sex slave, Sunshine. You never have been, even in the very beginning. Have I told you I’m a complete idiot? I’m . . . I’m just doing this all wrong, I know. Shit, it’s funny - the great Brian Kinney, who thinks he’s got it all figured out and knows exactly what he wants - well here I am 30 years old, I’ve never had a single ‘relationship’ with another man in my life and NOW I discover that that’s exactly what I’ve always wanted and just didn’t know it. And, on top of everything, I don’t even know what to say to make this work.”

“Okay. Let me try this again, Sunshine,” Brian took a deep breath as if what he was about to say was so momentous that he was afraid of the effect it would create. “I want you to stay with me. I want you to live with me and be my whatever - boyfriend, partner, fuck, I don’t know. Just, don’t leave me, please. I love you, Justin and I don’t want you to leave.”

*Snort* Justin burst out laughing uncontrollably as soon as Brian ended this heartfelt offering.   

“What the fuck, Justin? I just told you that I loved you and you’re laughing at me. Way to crush a guy’s ego, Sunshine!” Brian complained.

“I’m sorry, Brian. Really. It’s just the look on your face. I couldn’t help it.” Justin said, trying to stifle his giggles. “When you said that, you looked like you were in so much fucking pain. It was pretty hilarious. I’m sorry. I’m trying to stop laughing, really.”  

“THIS is why I never did relationships before,” Brian complained again, half jokingly.

“Brian, I love you too. I’ll stop laughing and you stop acting all upset,” Justin finally got himself under control enough to respond. “Okay, I accept your proposal, Brian, with a few minor stipulations. I agree to stay here with you for the foreseeable future. And you can take care of me and love me. But you can’t just fuck me - you have to actually make love to me on occasion too. And I’ll still get to go to school. In return, I agree to love you back and take care of you too, as needed. The term of the contract to start immediately. How does that sound Mr. Kinney?

“I accept, Mr. Taylor!” And the two men shook on the deal, laughing at themselves in the process.

“Well, since this new agreement is to begin immediately, I’d better get started on my end of the deal,” Brian stated matter-of-factly. “I guess the first order of business, then, would be to figure out just exactly where you would like me to make love to you first.”

“How about the pool?” Justin offered. “That’s the first place we fucked when we did the first contract. It seems appropriate.”

“I agree - well, shall we, Mr. Taylor?” Brian held out his hand for Justin’s.

“Just one thing - Daphne? You can leave now. And don’t even pretend that you weren’t listening in on all that, you nosy little witch,” Justin called loudly through the open door.  

“Later, Justin,” the two men heard, along with a little laugh. “Good job, Brian. Saved me the trouble of kicking your ass, too.”

“Bye, Daphne,” Brian yelled back.  

“She would have done it too, you know,” Justin cautioned.  

“I know. She’s one fucking scary little pit bull,” Brian agreed and they both laughed as they headed out to the pool together.

The End.