*As always I do not own any of the QAF characters.
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Justin's POV
I feel like I am floating in a timeless bubble. Every now and again I could hear voices, although I am not sure if they are talking to me or just around me. I heard words such as severe malnutrition, dehydration and even catatonic shock. In a vague way, a part of me knew that I was very sick, but I found that I just didn't care anymore. Right now I wasn't feeling any pain and my brain felt too fuzzy to form a coherent thought as to why I should be in pain anyway. There were a couple of times I think I even tried to open my eyes, although without any success. Again, I felt as if I was losing time and just as I was on the verge of a coherent thought again I heard a voice that I hadn't heard in a while.
"Hey kid. Didn't think I would have to come around and talk to you." Vic was sitting to the right of me on some couch looked like it belonged in a 70's sit-com. The fact that my mind didn't question that I had obviously been in a hospital and now I was in a hippy lounge didn't bother me as much as the fact that I was talking to a man that I had known to be dead for quite some time now.
"What in the fresh hell is this place?" I questioned. I looked around at the room, which seemed to be almost a nightmarish replica of Debbie's living room.
"Heh...well kid, basically you are somewhere between here and the great beyond, of course you can always go back to reality."
"And what kind of fucking reality is that," I mutter sarcastically. I continue a little louder, "I mean, no offense Vic, but compared to the hell I have been living in, I could probably manage to put up with the god awful wallpaper, and floral velvet couches."
Vic stood there with a look I have often associated with him as being fond, but exasperated. "Look Justin, I am not telling you what to do, but I am asking you to think about what you would be doing."
As he said that, my thoughts went to the one person that was never far from my mind, Brian. If I did let go and just become timeless, what would happen to Brian? Would he notice? If he did, would he even care?
It was almost as if Vic could read my mind, because his next words were, "You know he still thinks about you, right?" I just shook my head. "Yeah, he does and at some point the both of you have got to get your pretty heads out of your asses and get your shit together."
"But Vic, what if he doesn't wa-" Vic waved his hand to cut me off.
"You are smarter than that, Justin. You're smarter than letting yourself get to this point even." I looked down at my emaciated body. He was right of course. And in that instant I knew exactly the only choice I had, the only choice I had ever had really. I couldn't leave him. I wouldn't leave him, not while there was breath left in his body.
"Uh-huh, now you see what I am getting at." Vic rearranged his reading glasses back onto his face and picked up a book that I hadn't noticed until now. "Now it's time for you to be going."
The next moment it felt as if I was falling and right before I landed, I was looking over myself lying in the hospital bed. My mother was sitting by my bedside and the doctor talking softly to her.
"Ms. Taylor, we are doing the best we can, but he has got to want to fight and until he does, there is not much that can be done at this point." He turned and left after that and I watched as my Mom took my hand and stared at the window on the other side of the room.
I crouched sat down on the side of the bed next to my still form and started talking to her. It wasn't that I thought she could hear me, but maybe on some cosmic level she would understand. "Mom, I promise I am going to fight. I just had to remember why I needed to." And then I felt myself falling again.
~Gwen's POV at Britin
Since I had arrived at the house, and what an amazing house it was too, I had noticed a shift in Brian's demeanor. The hardened man that I had become accustomed to seemed fragile, well, that was until he slipped that mask of cynical superiority back on and once again became the Brian Kinney the asshole. I figured that his vulnerability had something to do with this house, and with that thought came the wave of guilt that I had felt since I first asked him about it. It was probably that guilt that had me searching for him when all the others had bedded down for the night.
As I stared to walk down the grand staircase, I noticed a light coming from a room on the first floor. My foot was on the last step when I heard the low murmuring "I shouldn haf' let you leave Sunshine." It sounded like Brian. Well a very inebriated Brian at any rate. My heart almost dropped into my stomach at the scene in front of me. Brian was sitting in front of a large lit fireplace in a black pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. His head was bowed low, his elbows rested on his knees and a bottle of Jim Bean was between his bare feet.
I silently made my way across the room and when I was about 4 feet from him he turned to me. "What the fuck you doin' here?" Ok, I hadn't expected that, or maybe I should have. He had warned me about "the den" when I had first asked him about using the house.
"I heard noises and wanted to make sure everything was ok." My reply was short but I let the concern show in my eyes.
"Well, I'm jus' fuckin' peachy!" He stated sarcastically. He looked back to the roaring fire in the fireplace. I took a seat beside him. He looked over at me with an odd expression, and then he passed me the Beam. I took the bottle and drank straight from it. The smooth whiskey burned going down, but left behind a warmth that I had long forgotten. He gave me a crooked smile and laid his head in my lap.
"Look Brian, I am not going to pretend that I understand all that's going on with you right now, but what I do understand is that something in your life is missing, and if it were me, I would do whatever I had to, to make sure that I got that something back." He looked up at me and nodded.
It was at that point that I felt things were going to get better.
~Brian's POV
I got what she was saying even in my drunken state, I got it. And something in the way she was saying it made me think that she was speaking from some sort of experience. Being here, being in this room, made me realize a few things. First of all, my ‘no regrets' policy is bullshit. I regret a lot. I regret not standing up to my dad sooner. I regret not explaining to Mikey in the beginning that there was never going to be anything between us. I regret not thanking Debbie for taking me in when I had nowhere else to turn, and I regret not being there for Gus like I should. But my largest regret was the things I had done to Justin. I can remember him asking for a sign, just a little something to let him know that he was important to me. Hell, I knew from the first night I fucked him that he was different, but I wouldn't tell him that. I regret not taking him home after prom so maybe that asshole Hobbs wouldn't have gotten to him. I regret the ‘birthday hustler' and the fact that it took almost 5 years for me to tell him that I loved him. I regret that it took a bomb to make me realize that those words were important, and I am drowning in the regret of our last conversation. So Brian fucking Kinney does do regrets and he does a lot of them.
Secondly, I realized that I didn't just want him here, I needed him here. I need him to be with me and to wake up beside me and to keep me from killing Ted when he inevitably fucks things up. So, with this realization comes the understanding that I have to find him and bring him home.
And Finally, I get the fact that I need to grow up, I want to grow up. I want to be a good father to Gus, a good friend to the gang and, yes I'll admit it a husband to Justin. I want to be all of those, and as I lay with my head in Gwen's lap with her hand carding through my hair, I knew that my life would be meaningless until I had become those things.
I must have drifted off to sleep at some point, because the next thing I knew, Gwen was speaking to me in a low tone "Brian, you need to go to your room. Come on I'll help you." She helped me to my feet and as I walked out of the den, I turned once more and made a promise ‘I am coming for you Sunshine, our time is now.' I turned back around to meet Gwen's questioning gaze. I shrugged my shoulders and let her lead me to my room.
Daphne's POV
I had gotten the call from Justin's mom yesterday that he was sick and in the hospital. It didn't take me long to pack what I had and hurry back to Pittsburgh. I hadn't heard from Justin in a long time and to say that I was shocked that he was in the hospital would have been a lie. I don't think he has been the same since Brian left him.
I went to see him right after that and it was as if the life had gone from him. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't speak, and his hands never touched a paint brush. I tried everything I knew to do, but half the time he didn't even acknowledge I was in the room. It seemed that he had just given up.
A few weeks later I noticed he was painting again, darker paintings, but at least he was letting it out on canvas instead of bottling it up. After that the calls became more sporadic, and while my busy schedule probably contributed to that, he also wasn't making much of an effort. So, I did the one thing that looking back on it I should have known not to do, I left him alone. About two weeks ago the calls stopped altogether. I had been keeping in touch with his roommate and from what she told me, he would leave sometimes and stay gone for days. She had no clue where he was going, but when he returned it was always with another painting.
I pulled up into the hospital parking lot. Just looking at the building gave me chills down my spine. I hate this place. Just the fact that Justin was here again was enough to put me on edge, and although I have always liked Brian, the next time I see him, I'm going to kill him.
I walk my way through the long corridor to the room number that his mother told me that they had assigned to him. I can't help but think that all of this could have been avoided. Exactly how, I'm not sure, but it should have been able to be avoided.
When I reached his room, I stopped in front of the closed door and just took a moment to breathe. You see, even though this is not the same as last time, you can never really prepare yourself for what you might find on the other side of that door. I slowly pushed the handle down and in between the smell of antiseptic and the beeping of the heart monitor; I felt the familiar bitter tingle of nausea in the back of my throat.
The figure on the bed, while having some of the same features of Justin looked nothing like my best friend. This imposter Justin was nearly a skeleton, his eyes were hollow with dark circles underneath, his face was paler than normal, and where his hair used to shine like gold, it now hung limp and lifeless. I could not believe the radical change.
My survey of him stopped when I heard a whisper of "Daph..." That sound had come from him. With a sudden heaviness in my chest I went to sit in the chair by his bed. It was obvious that his mother had been here recently. I could still smell her Donna Karan perfume.
"Yeah, Jus, it's me." I whispered back. He turned his head to look at me. His eyes fixed on my face and I could not contain the small wince at the fact that the life was gone from his gaze.
He must have seen the wince because he spoke again, "I'm trying Daph, I really am, but it's hard. I'm not sure how I let myself get this far gone, but well...here I am." That sentence alone looked like it had almost drained him.
"Just rest, Jus, save your ener.."
"No!" That kind of surprised me with the amount of force he had put behind that. "I need you to do something for me." I nodded my head. I would do just about anything for him right now. He seemed to think about something for a moment and then he started back again. "I have been going to Britin for a while now." Again another shock. I wasn't even aware that Brian had kept the place. "I just needed to be close to him somehow. I felt some sort of peace there, like it was home and I needed to be at home." I nodded again.
Even though I don't really understand the deep connection that Brian and Justin have (or had as the case may be), I could see that Britin meant the world to Justin. I could see it every time he said the name of the place. So, I didn't try and dispute what he was saying.
"Daph, I need you to go there. I have a painting in the smallest bedroom closet that I need you to bring to me." I was about to say that I understood, but he cut me off again, "Last year I found the address and phone number to his office in Chicago. " At this point his face gained a little color as a blush slowly formed over his face, "I would wait until I knew that no one would be there and call just to listen to his voice on his voicemail."
Some of my shock spilled over into my voice, "My God Justin, why didn't you just go to him, or leave him a message!? I mean surely it couldn't have hurt" He shook his head slowly.
"Daph...he didn't, doesn't want to see or hear from me. It's been over five years and I am too old now to play the stalker like I used to." His eyes seemed to glaze over a moment before they cleared and were back on me again. "I want him back Daph. I need him back." I could tell he meant what he said.
"Ok, Jus, I get it, but why the painting?" Again he gave me a sheepish look.
"When I painted it, I painted his information inside of the painting. It is hidden, but it is there."
I looked at him with intent eyes and asked him the question that was more than what it was on the surface, "Why?"
For a minute I wasn't sure he would even answer, but then he got a determined look that I hadn't seen in forever, "Because, I love my art, and I love Brian and the only way that I could get have them both at the same time was to paint it." My heart broke for him just then.
"I'll get it for you Jus. I promise." He pointed to the drawer beside the bed. "The key is there and you know the security code." I nodded in agreement and tried to keep the tears that I felt building from falling. I leaned over the bed and touched his shoulder.
"I will be back and I will have the painting with me." And with a kiss to his forehead I turned and started off towards the door, stopping right before I walked out and waving to him before I left.
As I stood on the other side of the closed door I vowed then and there to call Brian myself and chew him a new one for this and I would drag his ass from Chicago if I had to do it with him kicking and screaming.
~Brian's POV
The light coming in from the windows were not helping my fucking head one bit. As I rolled moaning onto my side and saw the brunette female in my bed, did it register what had happened the night before.
"FUCK!" That was enough to startle Gwen into action.
"Hey! Calm down there B-man" Her tousled brown hair was in contrast to the usually severe up do's that she was known to wear.
"How can I be calm, I have a woman in my bed!" My breathing was becoming erratic, although it had more to do with I couldn't remember a goddamn thing, rather than the fact that Gwen was in my bed.
"Look, Brian, nothing happened. I wanted to make sure you didn't die in your sleep from alcohol poisoning or such, so I slept in here." And while her explanation sunk in, my breathing did calm. Ok, so at least one of us knows what happened after she took me up the stairs. With that revelation came the one of the vow I had made to find Justin.
I got up and started changing my clothes. Obviously, Gwen must have been a little like me in her former life because my nudity was not bothering her. She wasn't even really paying attention to me. In fact.."Gwen, are you a lesbian?" Her head shot around to me with a look of incredulity.
"I thought you would have that figured out by now." She took a deep breath and continued. "Yes, I was married once, to a complete bastard. No, was not a word he honored, cheating was a norm, and his right fist was a problem solver. I left him and moved into a halfway house for women and children. I met someone there and well...let's just say that love knows no gender. By the time I figured out what I truly wanted and needed, she was gone. "
She did understand then. Not even thinking about her or my state of dress I pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you." She smiled at me, she understood what I meant. I stepped back out of the hug and continued to get dressed. I could already hear movement downstairs and I didn't want for anyone to give her grief for being up here with me.
As I was walking down the stairs, I could hear a commotion in the kitchen,
"What do you mean, I don't belong here. I have a fucking KEY for heaven's sake." There was more movement when I heard the voice again, "I am GOING up there and I am retrieving what I came here for. I don't have a clue why YOU are even here."
About that time I rounded the corner and collided with someone that I least expected to see.
"Daphne!?" She just stared at me with this look on her face, and I swear if looks could annihilate someone, I would be nothing but ash beneath her feet.
"Brian." Her voice was cold. It was something that I had only heard one other time from her, right after Justin had left me the first time. She had a way of telling me that I should have been doing something that I wasn't already and she could do it without saying a single word. It was kind of scary.
"Well, this is going to save me some time." She sighed. "You're a fucking bastard Brian," I opened my mouth to respond, because well, I know I can be a bastard, yes, but this was almost pure hate coming from her. "No, you let me finish. You have absolutely destroyed him. Right now I am here because he believes there may be something to save and he has your information stored in this house. He believes that contacting you is the only thing that matters anymore"
This was news to him. Justin had been here, here at Britin. Oh God. She continued her voice breaking, "And even though he fighting for his very life right now, all he can think about is you!"
Fighting for his life? What the hell? "What do you mean fighting for his life?" Her silence was not helping my anxiety. She must have seen something on my face because, for a minute her eyes softened before they went cold again. "He's in Allegheny, Brian. It's not good and right now I am so mad at you I can hardly see straight."
The amount of agony at hearing that he was so bad off was unimaginable. "Daphne, please, I need to see him." She looked at me a moment and said, "You know Brian, that is exactly what he said." She shook her head, "I came here because he asked me to grab a painting that he had done. He said that he known your whereabouts since last year but couldn't bring himself to contact you; that basically you had made it impossible for him to. Hidden within that painting is your new address and office phone number. And you want to know what he told me was the reason he put it in a fucking painting? He said it was the only way he could have you and his art at the same time! So, I will say to you, fix this or I swear by everything that is holy and unholy, I will hunt you down and make you pay for what you have done to him."
I honestly can't say I had ever heard her talk like that, and I have never been as scared in my life as I am at this moment. Because, as much as I had convinced myself that Justin's stay at the hospital after Hobbs had been my fault, it was nothing compared to this.
My voice was barely above a whisper when I spoke, "Thanks Daphne." She looked straight at me and said, "This is not for you Brian, you have a long way to go with me, this is for Justin, because I really don't know what anyone else can do for him."
I turned to grab my keys off of the runner in the entryway when I heard Gwen's voice from behind me, "I will take care of everything here," I turned towards her, "Don't be like me Brian, just don't." I lifted my head in acknowledgement and walked out the door and started towards the hospital.
~Molly's POV
Sitting by my brother's bed, reading him Tolstoy, was probably boring him to death, but I was happy to be here. We had grown closer over the years, even more so after Brian left. To me Justin was more than just my brother; he was my friend, my confidant, my modern day hero. To see him here like this was just downright painful. I was the only one that knew that he was deteriorating to this point, but even I didn't realize it had gotten this bad. I am thankful every day that I suggested the weekend at Mom's, because I don't think he would have lasted another week.
I heard the door open behind me, and I could tell just by the quiet way he walked and his slightly agitated breathing who it was before he ever reached my chair. Although it shouldn't have surprised me that he was here, I was shocked by the depth of emotion he was showing when I turned to look back at him.
Brian Kinney, to me, has always been godlike. It was more than Justin's teenage statement of "seeing the face of god." Brian had always held himself so aloof, almost to the point of arrogance. I had mistaken it for that once in my life. It didn't help that Craig (no longer dad in my book), fed me bullshit about how he had turned my brother into a sex depraved demon living a life of debauchery and sin. But, that was only part of it. It seemed like everyone looked to him for guidance, and rather than giving a direct answer, his circumspect way of solving the problem left him with a mysterious godlike quality. It was hard not to be drawn in by him even in his untouchable way so by the time that I had him somewhat figured out, I already was kind of enamored of him. That is until New York.
It is hard to watch someone that you love become a shell right before your eyes, and because of that, I was wary to trust him now. Brian was one of the few people who knew how close Justin and I had become. It was sort of a bone of contention between him and me now. He knew that I would be there for Justin, and it felt like a betrayal of the friendship that had developed between us.
He came up beside my chair and looked at what was left of my brother. His indrawn breath was enough for me to know that he was expecting it to be bad, but not this bad. And as for him knowing at all, it had to have been Daphne. Mom wouldn't have done it and I couldn't have.
"How long Molly? How long has he been this way?" Even though I didn't want to really talk to him, I know that Justin would want me to give him answers.
"A little over 5 years, although not this bad, not to this point." I looked over at him, his face giving over to a pain that I had seen mirrored in Justin.
"I should have been there." He said sadly.
"Yeah, you should have." I don't think that he was expecting that. Of course with that realization the disappointment and anger reappeared. "What Brian? Did you think that I would let it go that easy? I know you think what you did was a noble sacrifice on your part, but it felt like a personal betrayal to me and it has nearly killed him."
All of the sudden I heard, "Stop, please you two, just stop." Justin's paper thin voice halted all conversation, I don't think I heard Brian even breathe. Brian stepped over to the bed and with one hand on the metal rail and the other braced on the mattress he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my brother's lips. Justin's eyes were still closed but his left hand had moved closer to the rail. Brain stood up and grabbed the other chair and the room and sat down beside me. When Justin's hand moved again, Brian scooted his chair forward and twined their fingers together.
Even though a part of me was telling me that I should let them have a moment in private, I just couldn't bring myself to leave Justin right yet. Not when he was in the condition he was.
When it was clear that Justin had dozed back off under the heavy sedation of morphine, Brian turned to me with his questions. "What are they saying?"
"Basically, he was starved, dehydrated, and in shock. His body was shutting down and he was briefly in a coma. The doctors are not sure about long term consequences. Their exact words were ‘cautiously optimistic' I believe. And while I realize that right now, you will probably do him the most good, I also realize that you could finish him off. So, tread carefully Brian." With that, I stood and looked at my brother one last time and went to go find something in the god awful thing they called a cafeteria to eat.
~Justin's POV
He was here. And even though I knew it would take a lot of effort, I couldn't let Brian and Molly continue to fight. So, using the last bit of my strength I called out for them to stop. After that their voices floated to me and I could feel Brian's hand in mine. It was with that feeling that I drifted off back into my drugged sleep.
~Brian's POV
Oh God. Oh My God. He looked bad, really bad. Hearing what Molly had said, and knowing that he still had a long road ahead made me realize just how much damage I had done.
"I promise I am not going anywhere. You couldn't make me go anywhere."
The twitch where his fingers were entwined with Justin's gave him all the answers he needed right now. He would do whatever he needed to do to make sure that Justin never doubted him or them ever again.