~Blake
My admittance to this little family was granted with a lot of trepidation and even more reluctance. I played my own part in that, but Ted’s previous relationship with Emmett made things even harder for us. I think because of that; I have been able to provide an objective voice when it comes to issues that arise within said family. It is that same objectivity that allowed me to see the inner workings of the group and how out of sync some of the members were.
For one, you have Michael. Here he is with a husband that loves him to distraction, a son that has grown above the life that he was once shoved into, and a daughter that should provide him with an endless amount of pride. But, when it comes down to it, he is still unhappy. He is still chasing dreams that should have long ago been laid to rest.
See, the thing about being the outsider brought into this group, is that I also hear and see things that others might not. Sometimes I may be in a room, but I might as well be a piece of furniture, as much as I am not really being noticed. There are some that see me merely as an extension of Ted…like TedandBlake. Never just Blake. Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain degree of freedom in that. I have not had to define who I am. In fact, other than the fact that I am a recovering drug addict and in love with Ted, nobody knows a damn thing about me. That is why when all of the drama in the group gets going, I can sit back and help Ted keep calm. Think I might need one of those shirts that say “Keep calm and watch Ted.” Because, when it comes down to it, he is my priority.
I think Brian is starting to understand that, as far as Justin is concerned anyway. Justin should have always been a priority and watching him start to take action on that has been very interesting to say the least. The drama in the last 48 hours has grown to epic proportions. It usually does when Brian does something that defies the role that the family has cast him in. Unfortunately, I have a feeling it is going to get a whole lot worse before it ever gets better. The reason I say this is because of the other “family” member that is so out of sync with everyone else…Lindsey.
Lindsey is another person who has a full life but refuses to acknowledge it. She has a wife that would give her all the love in the world if only Lindsey would let her. She also has two kids who love her and should be her whole world. Instead, what I have observed, is that one is being used as a tool for manipulation, while the other she tolerates because she has to. I am not sure that she has ever gotten over the fact that Brian said no to being the father the second time around. And from what I can tell you, I am glad that he didn’t, and so is Melanie.
That whole family dynamic is truly fucked from what I can tell. It all stems from Lindsey’s refusing to admit that she has fantasies that don’t include Melanie or any woman for that matter, and Melanie’s inability to acknowledge what she herself already knows nor to quit laying blame at Brian’s doorstep for everything that has become a problem for them. And that ladies and gents is only scratching the surface of the FUBAR situation they have found themselves in.
I know it seems as if I am passing judgement on everyone. Maybe I am. Maybe because I was so thoroughly judged and tossed aside as unimportant, it makes it ok. I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care. Ted is all I really have an invested interest in and by extension of Ted’s friendship with Brian, I have included Brian and Justin into the small circle of people I care what happens to. Now some people would say that Ted has more friends in the family than that, but I disagree.
Brian would absolutely deny it to his dying day, but he is one of Ted’s truest friends. When everyone thought Ted was nothing more than a fuck up, Brian saw more than that. He saw Ted’s true potential and fuck what anyone said otherwise. He allowed Ted to gain the one thing that he had lost…his self-worth.
Being a drug addict myself, I can tell you that once you reach sobriety and remember all the shitty things that you have done, you feel as if you are about 2 inches tall. You want to reach out and make amends with those that you hurt, but you feel as if you are not even worthy enough to do that. And the absolute worst is the pity that you know is in their eyes, knowing that they are walking on eggshells around you so that they don’t say the wrong thing.
Brian is not like that. He detests pity and cannot stand those that walk around pitying themselves. So when he needed Ted to step up, he didn’t treat him any different than he had before. In turn, Ted showed Brian the same consideration when it came to the cancer. The loyalty inspired in Ted from Brian’s actions has only grown in time and over that same time Brian has developed a respect for him.
It is going on 11:30pm and Ted should be arriving soon. I know he has had a rough day fielding calls from all sides of the family. It irritates me to no end, but I know that he will do what he has to. And honestly, since it is for Brian and Justin, I can deal with it. At some point there will come a time when I will have to step in and let them all know who I really am, what I will and will not put up with, but for right now, I will just sit back and do what I do best. Keep Ted calm.
~Ted
Well, this day has been for shit. I mean, do people (and by people I mean Michael and Lindsey) not understand the words “Brian will call you when and if he feels like he should.” It should have sunk in after the 5th call from Michael and the 8th call from Lindsey, that they were not getting anything out of me. Brian would have my balls, nevermind my job. Plus, I respect him more than that.
I guess that is why I finally told them, that if they called me again, I was going to block their numbers. Michael shut up after that, but Lindsey decided to pull the “Gus” card. Her whole argument was “what if…” I shut that down pretty quick too. I told her that if there was an emergency concerning Gus, Mel could call me while Lindsey kept an eye on Gus. The silence on the other end was very telling. As Em would say, “that burned her biscuits!”
Driving my way back to the house that Blake and I recently purchased, I turned on one of the new opera CD’s Blake had purchased for me. Letting the low tenor voice of the male accompaniment wash over me, I tuned out the bitter nagging I had been subjected to over the past 12 hours. I was looking forward to getting home.
Over the past year or so, I have settled down into a more comfortable way of life. Woody’s is there when I need to be around people, but my days at Babylon are over. The only time that I even go there now, is to make sure everything is running smoothly.
As I pass the first house in the entrance to our subdivision I pick up my phone to call Blake to let him know I am almost home. It is two rings before I hear his voice pick up, “Hey love,” It is always a slight thrill to hear him answer me that way. God I love caller ID.
“Hey yourself.” Our greeting has become a declaration of love in itself. Nothing bears the stamp of love better than a ritual that you started and continue simply because the other person enjoys it. Hearing his little sigh (the one that makes me smile every time) I continue, “I will be home in about 5 minutes.” Now I know that this just seems silly, but for us it just works.
“Good, I think that you may need some TLC, and then some of my famous southwestern chili.” My mouth was already watering thinking about it. Blake had fixed it when we had first moved into the new house and I have been hooked ever since. “That sounds wonderful, thanks Blake.”
“You’re very much welcome, love.” I could tell that he knew I was talking about more than just the chili. Blake has been my rock in so many ways, and I never want to take that for granted. As I pulled into the drive, Blake opened the door and hugged me as I made my way inside. I pulled off my jacket and hung it up in the hallway closet as I passed by it. Blake had already made his way inside and stood waiting for me at the arched entrance to the kitchen. I could smell the chili still simmering on the stove and the light jazz music that Blake loved could be heard in the background.
“You look tired, love.” Blake said concerned, “Come eat, and then you can go rest.” He walked towards me and took my hand. I let him pull me to the table that was already set with bowls of chili. He sat at the chair across from me and gave me a small smile. “So, tell me about it, I know that today couldn’t have been easy.” He was right. Today had been god awful.
“Well, it was bad enough that I almost blocked their numbers. I just don’t understand, Blake. Why can’t they just go about their own lives and leave everyone else alone.” Blake shrugged his shoulders, “Ted, some people are just like that, they can never be satisfied with what they have.” I guess he is right. It just never had occurred to me that there was anything wrong with my friends. Well, that is until Blake told me to step back and to look at things.
It made me very much aware of how lucky I am to have him. He knows just what I need and never fails to remind me of what is important. “If I haven’t told you recently just how much I love you…just know that I do.” He smiled at me and we went back to eating in silence. Sometimes, like right now, he knows just how much these blessed silences are needed. It’s in the silence that I feel that we are the closest to each other.
~Emmett
Growing up in Hazelhurst, Mississippi I learned to have tough skin. I had to, or every Billy Bob, Joe, or Earl would have eaten me alive. And not in the life affirming, positive way either, honey. Let me tell you, it was hard being my bright and flaming self. In fact some could say that I was more of a Debbie Downer. It wasn’t until I went to live with my Aunt Lula that I started to become more of myself. She kind of took me under her wing, even though those old biddies in her sewing club thought she was shaking hands with the devil. Aunt Lula, unlike many of the women of the town, got away with a lot that society would normally shake their heads at. Most of the time she got away with her eccentrics with a simple “bless her heart” and that was the end of it.
When she took me in, there were a few tight lips and head shakes, but only for a little while. Aunt Lula was also very much liked for her oddness. So, if she didn’t come to your house to sit outside on the porch and drink iced tea with you, you could pretty much give up being a part of “society.” And trust me folks, everyone wanted to be “society” people. It is a well known fact that iced tea on the front porch translates into gossip. You know, the kind where they are saying something like “Did you hear about Helen Smith? Poor Helen, her daughter got herself into some trouble. I think she may go stay with her ‘out of town cousin’ for a little while, bless her heart.”
Aunt Lula never really added to the conversation though, she would just sit there sipping her tea while the others nattered like pretentious hens. Later she would come back and tell me that they were nothing but bitter old hags, whose husbands were not giving them enough to keep them happy at home. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I got what she was talking about. Especially after I saw Jimmy Simms fucking a very much younger Jane Pauley over the tailgate of his old pickup truck. All of this happening while his wife Susan, was blissfully unaware of it and at home hosting her weekly bible study. In those few moments I thought about their son, Jim Jr, who never let a moment go by that he wasn’t shoving me into a locker, or flicking lit matches onto my arm. And my parents thought that we were dysfunctional having a ‘faggot’ for a son. The sheer hypocrisy is what finally led me to leave Hazelhurst and come to the glorious Pitts.
When I told Aunt Lula that I was leaving, she simply smiled and told me that she knew, and that no matter what she would always love me. It was a year after I left that I was told she had passed. I mourned her, but smiled through my tears. After all, it was her own words that flowed through my head that said “Child, there ain’t no better way to say “fuck you” than to have all those old gossiping queens at my funeral singing my praises. So, when I go, just imagine Susan Simms and Helen Smith praying over my soul and talking about my famous strawberry pie, all the while I am looking at them thinking what stupid cows they really are.”
Yes, thanks to Aunt Lula, I learned that you laugh at those who make fun of you and you stay loyal to those that have got your back. I guess that is why right now, I know not to be all over Sunshine. I may be a silly queen from Mississippi, but I am not as stupid as to intrude on their time. The same cannot be said about the others in the family. I knew right off that Michael was going to be a problem. He has been a problem ever since Justin left for New York.
I don’t know why he all of the sudden resorted back to his behavior, wait yes I do! He saw it as his chance to regain some of his “old Brian” back. To be honest, I never liked “old Brian.” Tolerated him, yes…envied him, God, yes…but liked him, not really. He just seemed too aloof, arrogant, and cynical for me to deal with. Sort of like the Susan Simms and Helen Smiths of this world, only gay. His philosophy of two kinds of straight people “the ones that hate you to your face and the ones that hate you behind your back,” only reinforced my view of him. Then one day it started to change, the day that Sunshine came into his life.
Oh, I’m not saying it was immediate, and he fought it tooth and nail for a long time, but change did happen. I watched him open himself to the possibility of being with someone, of letting someone close to him. I also watched the resentment build in Michael as well. Resentment that here was a person that was not him, and that person was getting to know Brian in a way that Michael had always wanted to. That my dearies was truly the beginning of the ending of the Brian and Mikey show.
Of course dear ole Mikey wasn’t the only one having conniptions, Lindsey was fit to be tied as well. Now that one, she is sneaky, let me tell you. Her WASP breeding and passive aggressive personality gave her a slight edge to Mikey’s whining. I really used to like Lindsey too. She was always sweet and sincere sounding, and she even helped me out a time or two. But that is how she starts her manipulations. Before long she has her hooks into you, and without help from some direction, you will get caught up in her net for good. Thank God, Ted talked some sense into me a year or so ago.
It was that same year that I unexpectedly found Drew again. I was at a designer cookware convention in Boston for the weekend and I caught a glimpse of him in a crowd of football fans. It seemed that after he came out and the publicity died down, his football stats spoke for themselves. I knew that the Ironmen were playing the Patriots that weekend and were actually expected to pull off an upset, but I did not know that the Patriots were a Boston team. Now, I know that in the South football is a second religion, but honey, I could give a shit about that stuff. So, seeing him on the street in Boston was a little bit of a shocker. And if I thought that was shocking, I was even more so when he broke away from doing autographs and started walking towards little ole me!
We agreed to meet up at the Bristol Bar in the Four Seasons that he was staying in for the weekend. After a long talk and a nice *ahem* tour of his suite, we decided to give our relationship another try. Of course this was with the understanding that he had sowed his wild oats and I was ready to settle into something not so hidden and a little more steady than our previous one.
So, here we are a year later and I couldn’t be happier. I turn and look over my shoulder at him and thank whatever deity out there that listens to me that he came back into my life. Seeing me looking back at him, he walks away from where he is reading over the newest Sports Illustrated and comes to sit down beside me. He grabs me from my spot and in one move I am sitting in his lap.
“So, what are you thinking?” His voice tickles my ear as he talks very low into it.
“I’m just thinking about this whole mess that is starting up again.” He just hugs me real tight and replies, “You know Em, I don’t think that there is going to be a “breaking up” with Justin again. From the way Brian has been the last few days, I think that they are going to be ok.”
Drew is right, I know that Brian and Justin are going to be ok, if Justin ever gets well that is, but I am more worried about what Michael and Lindsey might do and I tell him just that. “Emmett, I don’t know them like you do, I don’t pretend to, but I do know that Michael is way too childish for his age and Lindsey, well from what you have told me, she sounds like a bitch.” He looks at me, making sure, I guess, that he hasn’t crossed some kind of line.
I smile back at him, “When you’re right, you’re right and that is my point, I don’t want either of them hurt anymore.” I grab him and hug him tight, smelling his spicy cologne that lingers on his skin. “I just know that Lindsey is about to find that Brian is not going to continue playing her game, and Michael will try and get to Justin, just like he always has.”
Drew just rubs my back, “Then what we need to do is be there for Brian and Justin when the shit hits the fan Em. I think that they need this time alone to sort through whatever demons they are fighting.” And this is what I love about him. He sees the clear path, when I get lost in the briar patch.
I know that Brian is happiest when he is with Justin. I guess that is why when Michael started his crap at the hospital, I just walked away. It also helped that Molly was standing like 5 feet away from me at the time having to listen to his pettiness, while her brother was fighting to live not but a few more feet down the hall. So, while Michael kept on raging to basically whoever would listen, I went to talk to her for a little bit.
Now that girl is one in a million. She has the same kind of fire in her soul that Justin has, and the same ability to cut through the bullshit as well. The first time she had called Michael a weasel, well I about died. The minute she cut loose though, that was when I finally saw what she was really made of. It made me love her even more. Before that moment, I had always seen her as this younger female version of Justin. She didn’t even blink when we were first introduced. But it was in that moment that I recognized her spirit. She had grown into this little protective fireball and I couldn’t have been more proud of her.
When I get to thinking about it, there are so many people that would stand up for Brian and Sunshine, that I really don’t have to worry. And the fact that Brian has finally “got it,” really makes things more solid. It may be a bumpy road, and I have a feeling little ole Mikey and definitely Lindsey, are in for rude awakening. If I have learned anything about Brian over the years that I have known him, it’s that he protects his own, and this time he is putting Justin first.
I kiss Drew on the neck, “I think it may get ugly, but I know that everything is going to be ok in the end.”
~Back at Britin Next day
~Brian
He has been asleep for a while now, and while normally I would be worried, the doctor warned me ahead of time that it might be like this. He explained to me that Justin’s body still needs to heal. He also told me that while Justin might say that he is not hungry, he is. So, with that in mind I searched the house for something that he might could eat.
That was when it hit me, we are going to need someone to help manage with cooking and cleaning in this monstrosity of a house. I got on my computer trying to find someone in the area that could help with it all, but again there were so many risks.
I didn’t want all of gay Pittsburgh to find our refuge, and I couldn’t just hire anybody. I needed someone that was ok with our lifestyle, but above all else, discreet. Once again, I decided to rely on someone that has never let me down when it came to keeping secrets. I picked up the phone and called Ted.
“Hey Boss, what’s up?” He must be at the office, because there was a lot of background noise. “Don’t let anyone know that you are talking to me. I need your help with something.” That was also something that I had to come to grips with. Just as I had told Justin a long time ago, sometimes you have to know when to ask for help. “Whatcha need?” Thank God, he didn’t even question. “We are going to need someone that can cook and clean out here. Justin is going to still be too weak and I really don’t want to have to go into to town to get groceries, if you know what I mean.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as the headache starts to build behind my eyes. Dealing with Mikey has become something that I don’t even want to try and handle right now.
“Yep, I know exactly what you mean.” I can tell he must have been fencing calls from him by his tone of voice. “We are also going to need someone that is discreet. We have a guest house that they can use as lodging. I will email you a list of supplies we are going to also need to have bought. Just give whoever you hire the money for everything. I am going to trust you to set salary and all that.”
“Gotcha Boss. I’ll get started on everything and send you the details later.” Good ole Theodore, can always count on him in a pinch, “Hey Bri?” and that’s the only reason I let him get away with calling me that, “Yeah, Ted?” I could hear him gathering up the courage to ask whatever it was he was going to ask me. “How is he?” How do I even answer that, because truthfully, I’m still not even sure. “He seems better, but I think it is going to take a while. And Ted…Thank You…for everything.”
“You’re welcome, boss, I think that I can honestly say that Blake, Em, Drew and I are all really worried about him and hope he gets better soon.”
As I hung up the phone, I realized that I had more support from the family than I had originally thought. Now if only he would get better, maybe we could really start our lives.