~Melanie-Toronto

Somedays I really think that I am losing my mind.  Dealing with Lindsey and her ever increasing antics is driving me to the edge of my sanity.  Over the last few weeks, she has been coming home later and later.  I know that she is calling Michael non-stop.  Just like I know that her drinking is getting worse.

For the last year or so, I have made the effort to try and stop the alcohol that comes into the house.  I rarely drink and lately Lindsey is drinking too much.  It has gotten to the point that a bottle of wine a night is commonplace for her.  At first, I was worried and mentioned that the wine was an unnecessary expense.  She just started buying cheaper brands.

I knew that it had gotten out of hand when I started finding empty bottles in her clothes hamper, under the couch, and even one under the seat of the car.  She was quickly becoming an alcoholic.  I also knew that confronting her would only make her drink worse.  Confronting her on anything only made her want to continue to annoy the shit out of me by doing the same thing. So, I wasn't too surprised that the drinking got worse after I said we should stop bringing it into the house.  One night I noticed her speech was too slurred as she was talking to Gus.  She turned around and attempted to pick JR up and take her to bed.  JR, not liking Lindsey's tone of voice, started to wiggle to get down.  Lindsey was so out of it that she dropped her.  Luckily, JR fell on the couch cushions, but from then on, my mind was made up.  Lindsey was not safe for my children anymore.

I thought about calling Brian, but the thought of getting help from him, grated on my nerves.  Upon reflection, I realized that this was a selfish reaction and not in the best interest of my kids.  That is why I am calling Ted to see if I can reach Brian.

I am well aware that he has not been available lately.  And I am also aware of the reasons why.  Lindsey has not stopped raging about it since the first time she tried to call Brian, only to get his voicemail.  That's probably why she keeps talking to Michael.  Michael is the only other person that can listen to her constant caterwauling over Brian and his disappearance.

I don't blame him really.  I love Justin, I always have.  He makes Brian tolerable to be around.  If it weren't for the jealously (yes, I can admit that it is jealousy), that I feel towards him over his relationship with Lindsey, we probably would be (dare I say) friends.  It's just that I feel, however unfairly, that Brian is the cause of my problems.  If I were being truthful with myself, I know that Lindsey is never going to be happy with me.  It's not about Brian.... ok, it's not all about Brian, but more about Lindsey herself.  She cannot make peace with the fact that Brian will not love her the way she wants, and I cannot give her everything she feels she needs.

I truly love Lindsey.  I hate how she acts. I hate what she has become, but I love her.  And if being away from me will make her happy, if fucking this other person (this other male person), is what she needs, I would let her go.

Right now, my children need to be my priority.  That is why I am sucking what ever bit of pride I have up and trying to get in touch with Brian.  Gus is...not ok right now.  He is showing signs of depression and anxiety.  That is definitely not something that a 10-year-old should have to deal with.  I can tell that JR is stressed too.  I don't want my kids to feel this way.  I won't let my kids feel this way.

I pick up my cell from off of the coffee table and dial Ted's number.  I have been sitting on the couch staring at the walls for too long.  It is time for me to do something about this.  I may not always like or agree with Brian, but I do know that he loves Gus and JR enough to make the right decisions when it comes down to it.

It rings twice before I hear "Hey Mel."  Automatically I feel better.  Ted is the closest thing to a best friend that I have.   My voice kind of breaks as I answer, "Hey Ted.  Have you got a few minutes?" 

"Sure, what can I do for you?"  I can't really tell from his tone of voice what is going on, but I know that it has a wariness that I know has partly to do with my wife.

"I hate to ask this, you know I do, but I need to talk to Brian."  I hear him draw in a breath.  Probably to tell me that Brian is not available, but I interrupt him before he does..." It's about Gus."

"Is he alright? He's not hurt, is he?" I can tell that he is getting a little anxious, so I just lay it all out there.  "Yes and no, Ted.  I'm not sure how much you know, but this is what has been going on."  And I just tell him everything.  From the moment we got here until just yesterday when Lindsey didn't come home.  I told him about her drinking, and about the kids' mental health.  When I was finished, it seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest.  And by his silence, I could tell he was both astonished and angry at the same time.

"Mel, this is not good.  This is so not good.  I know that you know that Brian took Justin somewhere to get better.  Mel, I saw Justin in the hospital, he looked bad.  Like death warmed over bad.  I know that if I say something to Brian, he will come running, but I can't help but feel bad about the whole thing." 

"I know what you mean, and trust me, if there was any other way, you know that I would take it.  But, I have to get Gus and JR away from here.  Lindsey is so toxic right now that she scares them and me."  My voice has picked up an octave and again I resent the control that this is taking away from me.

"Alright, I will tell him, but you have got to keep Lindsey away from Brian.  I can't in good conscience allow her to get near him or Justin.  What do you want to do?" 

I had been thinking about this for a little while, so I laid out my plan. "I need Brian to take Gus, I will even sign papers reinstating his parental rights.  That way if Lindsey tries to do something, she won't be able to sabotage him.  In fact, several years ago, she had something drawn up to that effect, but I never signed.  So, we can use that.  I can take JR to some friends that I still have left.  If my assumptions are correct, she won't even try to find JR.  She would only come after Gus to get to Brian." I drew a deep breath and said, "Also, tell Brian that I'm sorry.  I just want my kids to be safe."

"They will be Mel.  Brian loves Gus and JR.  If you need something for them, you know all you have to do is ask." Ted tells me.  "I know that.  Sometimes it drives me crazy, but I know.  If I need something, I will get word to you.  Thanks for everything Ted.  And thank Brian too."

"I will, just take care.  And Mel...I love you."

"Thanks Ted, I needed that."  With that I pressed end on the phone.  Staring down it, I realize that my relationship is over.  My life as I know it will forever be changed.  As horrible as the failure sits in my gut, I still know I am doing the right thing and that my life will eventually get better. 

For years, I had lied to myself.  Now that I can be honest, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can be alright.

~Gus

Mom and Momma have been fighting a lot.  Sometimes it scares me, or at least Mom does.  After Momma had JR, we were happy.  At least I think we were.  I was little then.  I overheard one of my teachers talking.  They said that for a ten-year-old I had an old soul.  I asked Mom once what that meant.  She just told me not to worry about it.  So, I took her phone and looked it up on Google.  I may be ten, but I'm not stupid. 

Someone who has a greater appreciation and understanding of things that might be dismissed by others their age. An old soul would have a different taste in things than the mainstream media. They are often wise beyond their age or appearance.

Google made me aware that I was different.  Not bad different, but different in the ways that my mind worked.  And that is ok.  I feel drawn to older people.  I feel like they understand me better than people my age. Mom still treats me like I am two.  I like to read, I like puzzles, and I like soccer.  I like soccer more because my dad used to play it and it makes me feel close to him. 

Mom and Momma think that I don't understand what is going on, but I do.  I know that Mom likes wine too much and it is making her say and do things that she shouldn't.  I know that Momma is afraid of what is going to happen to our family.  I also know that Dad hasn't been happy in a long time.  I think it might have something to do with Jus.

I feel sometimes that Jus is like a fairy tale.  Something or Someone that has been made up.  I know he is not because I get things from him all the time.  Just last month he sent me a picture he drew of the Angel of the Waters in Central Park.  He is always doing stuff like that; sending me mementos of his life in New York.  It just seems so, because I never see him.  I never understood why he and dad couldn't be together, but I do know enough to know there is nothing that I could do to make it better.

I know that Jus is not well right now.  I heard Mom talking to Uncle Mikey.  She sounded mad at Jus.  I don't know why.  Jus has always loved Mom and Momma.  When I was really little, I know that he came around.  I also know that he helped name me.  I love Jus.  He is funny and nice.  When I get to talk to him, he talks to me like he would anyone else.  I am grateful for it.  Maybe it's because he knows what my teachers do, that I am an old soul.

Even knowing that Jus is not well or maybe because of it, I want to see my dad.  I want to be with my dad.  I love Momma, but I know that I am worrying her.  The doctors say that I have depression and anxiety.  Again, thanks to google I know what that means.  I do feel sad a lot.  I feel tired most of the time and I worry constantly.  I feel unsettled.  My world feels unsettled.  Dad has a way of making the bad things disappear.  He loves me, and I miss him.  Just like I miss Jus.

"Gus, sweetie, we need to pack some of your favorite things and some clothes."  Momma says as she walks through the door.  She looks different somehow.  Not happy, but maybe relieved?  "Momma, where are we going?"  Please don't say that we are going to stay with Mom. 

Yeah, I know more about Mom's situation than Momma does.  Mom doesn't think I am listening, and even if she did, she still thinks I am too young to understand. "Momma, I don't want to stay with Mom and Liam."  Momma's eyebrows shot up and her face got really red.  Oh...she probably didn't know about Liam.  "We're not going to find Mom, I am going to take you to Uncle Ted so that you can stay with your dad and Justin." I can tell she is still angry, but I know it's not at me.  At least I get to see my dad and Jus.  "Momma, I thought Jus was sick?"  Her brows pulled in a little.  "How did you know about that Gus?" Oops...I won't lie to her.  Dad is very vocal about never lying to someone. "I overheard her and Uncle Mikey talking.  They kept saying mean things about Jus and how he is taking over Dad's life."

"Gus, you know that is not true.  He loves yo..."  I interrupted her, "I know Momma, and I love Jus.  He gets me, and he has never kept Dad from being there for me.  I just overhear things sometimes.  Mom doesn't think I pay attention or understand, so she says things even when I am around."

"Well, she shouldn't and that's all I am going to say about it.  We do, however, need to get a move on.  I want you on the plane to Pittsburg in the morning."  I didn't ask her about Mom or even where Mom was.  "Momma, what about JR?"

"JR is going with me.  I am going to spend some time with some friends until everything gets settled and then we can talk about what we are going to do."  I nod my head.

"Can I still see JR every now and then?"  Her face softened, "Yes Gus, as soon as Justin gets well, and things have settled down, we will visit."  It's not perfect, but at least my Dad and Jus will be there. I reach out and give her a hug.  Her arms squeeze me a little hard, but I don't care.  "I love you Momma."  I rub the moisture from my eyes.  "I love you too, Gus.  Now let's get to packing."

We started packing and I went across the room to my treasure box.  Momma had bought me one when we first moved here. She told me to keep all my special stuff in there so that it would be safe.  I opened it and took all of the pictures Jus had sent me, the teddy bear that my dad gave me when I was still a baby, the Star of David pendent that Momma had given me for my birthday last year, and the picture JR colored of me and her together in the backyard and put it in my bag.  Momma put her arms around my shoulders and sighed.  I looked one last time at my room and then we turned around, turned off the light and shut the door.

The door closing felt like it was the end of something.  I'm not sure what, but it also felt like the start of something better.

~Brian

I just got off the phone with Ted and I am livid.  I could sense some time ago that things weren't great in muncher land, but I was withholding judgment.  I can't say I haven't fucked my relationship up before either.  The one thing that I haven't done however, is to let my child suffer because of it.  When Ted told me that Gus was not doing well, and JR was stressed too, I about lost it.

I trusted them with my son, my flesh and blood.  I'm mad at both of them because they are adults and should be acting like it, but I can forgive Melanie because she is dropping the attitude and putting the kids first.

This is not going to be easy.  Justin is getting better every day, but I feel as if he still can't handle the stress of the group just yet.  I know he loves Gus, so maybe it will be alright.

"Brian?" He is standing by the doorway slowly making his way to me. His voice sounds better today, not as hoarse.  "Hey Sunshine."  Standing on the tips of his toes, he brushes his lips across mine.  "I heard you on the phone with Ted.  Is everything alright?"  Now here comes the first test of the boundaries in our new relationship.  I have to tell him the truth.  Keeping things from him is what got us in this situation to begin with.  I only hope that I am doing the right thing.

"Not really. Gus is not doing well.  The girls are fucked up right now, and he keeps getting caught in the crossfire."  He seems ok, so I continue, "Mel is going to let him stay with us for a little while.  I know that you are not really feeling all that great, but I can't not have him here.  Not when she is saying that he needs to be here."

"Brian are you sure that they are not just trying to manipulate you."  He raises a valid question, but fortunately I know the truth.  "Actually, they are not.  Melanie knows that Lindsey is involved in some shady shit and has yelled at Gus.  He has actually taken to tip-toeing around the house so that she won't be mad at him.  She also dropped JR."  I can tell he is taken aback by what I am saying.  "Justin, she is drinking.  Like a lot." 

"Then Gus will stay here."  He says with a finality that has me relieved.  Knowing he is on board takes a weight off of my shoulders.  It's not that I think that he doesn't want Gus here or that he doesn't love Gus, because I know that he does.  Just like I know that he sends Gus stuff all the time.  It's just that I want him to be happy and ok again.  "Mel is reinstating my parental rights so that Lindsey doesn't have leverage over me."  I can tell that helped with the worry lines that had crept onto his face.

He reached around my waist and pulled me into a hug.  That's the thing.  It's not always sex with us.  Everybody has always thought that, but it's not.  The hug is one of reassurance and comfort.  I love that he knows and gets that every once in a while, I need one of those.

"We will do what needs to be done for Gus.  I know I am not 100%, but I am getting better every day. Brian, I can handle this."  He pulls back from me to look me in the eye.  I can see his sincerity, his willingness to do this for me and my son, all because I know he loves us.

"Alright, we will take in Gus, but we need an extra set of hands on deck.  I don't want you too stressed out."  I shake my head when it looks like he is about to interrupt me, "No, Sunshine, we are going to get somebody in here.  I want someone that I can trust.  Not only with our location, but Gus as well."  My mind has been turning since Ted came back to me with a name...well a couple of names really.  "I have found someone that I think might work.  He will be staying in the guest house on the property, and I think that it might give you someone to vent to if you need it."  I watch him as his eyes get bigger.

"Brian, you don't mean...."  I cut him off mid-sentence. "Yep, I want Emmett to stay here for a little while.  He may also be bringing Drew, and I have been promised that they will keep their mouths shut."  Of course, I don't mention that I threatened to keep their respective balls in a fluid filled jar, should they decide to blab, accidently or otherwise.

"Now Sunshine, it's lunch time for you and I have to go finish some paperwork that I was emailed this morning."  He smiled at me, planting a light kiss on my lips.  I watched as he turned and walked to the kitchen softly humming under his breath.

Now I just had to keep from killing Lindsey and find out what the hell her and Michael are up to.