Chapter 19: FOOL'S GOLD

Lyrics

Oh, silly me my dear, for thinking that you'd stay/ Gave you my heart and then you ran away/ Either I'm stupid, I'm foolish, or you're playing me/ But it seems we were never really meant to be/ 
So I thought I would try something new/ I wanted to find out if I could live happy without you/ And it turned out I wasn't living at all/ But I would've never known if you had just played along

Somewhere deep down inside I knew you weren't right/ But breaking your spell was a plan I never devised/ I would've been here forever livin' for you/ But I would've been living forever as your fool

I bit into the apple
I took the wooden nickel, yeah
I was blinded to my core
And I went into the wrong door
And furthermore

I was living a dream believing things that just ain't true/ Oh I can't believe I ever believed in you/ You had me chasing fool's gold/ I was chasing fool's gold/ I was chasing fool's gold, I was chasing fool's gold


*Jill Scott

Lindz

I arrive back at the house after Melanie's undue threats. I don't know what is bringing about her funky ass attitude lately, but I've decided that I've had just about enough! I decided that if she wasn't going to help our friend Michael, that I was going to do so. Unlike Mel, I have a major stake in this fight between Michael and Justin. Even though the money Michael put out for Taryn could be looked at in several different ways, the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy will still come back to bite me in the ass.

After all, Michael has been acting on my well-placed suggestions, and has been since the beginning when we decided that Brian should be with one of us instead of Justin Taylor. That little fucking blond has gotten much further with Brian than either of us ever thought was possible. I don't even want to think about what he did to achieve such a thing. The bashing notwithstanding, what makes him so fucking indispensable to Brian? Yes, okay, so there is some quality in the little fuck that brings all of Brian's protective instincts to the forefront.

Mel remarked on it at Gus' birthday party some months before when Justin recovered part of his memory from the incident in the parking garage. But according to Michael, it had been making an appearance in increasing increments even before then. He told me about the night they were in front of Woody's, and Justin had been in yet another altercation with the boy who later bashed him. Admittedly, Justin had every right to take umbrage that Chris Hobbs and his cronies were on Liberty Avenue, which was supposed to be a safe haven for all things queer in Pittsburgh. Justin had said as much, plus some other things that Michael wouldn't exactly tell me, but Chris had pushed Justin, and Brian in turn got in Chris' face about it.

Michael said that Brian looked as if he was about to separate Chris' head from his shoulders, and if that famous Kinney glare could have done it for Brian, Chris would have been dead. Then there was the situation even before that, regarding Justin's father. It seemed to both Michael and me that if Justin wasn't in the picture, Brian- who would never have been placed in a position to defend us in such a manner in the first place- would be free to go back to being his usual carefree self. We've both noticed the small, but significant changes in Brian since Justin happened upon the scene, and feel that it's completely wrong. I especially feel it's wrong, since none of that couple-like behavior is directed towards me.

And since having Gus didn't seem to inspire him to show me the same level of protection and care he's shown to Justin, he and I having two more children should cement my place in his life nicely.

After all, I'm the only woman Brian would ever want to marry, and that is how it should be. Brian would never consider marrying Justin, and since he can't give birth to little Kinney children, there really isn't anything stronger that holds Brian and Justin together than their love of cock. Brian could, and has, fucked many people without commitment before; he could just go back to doing that again. I won't mind, as long as he takes care of me and the children in the manner that I was born into. No one else is entitled to that promise, and certainly not a piece of blond boy ass like Justin Taylor.

In truth, I always imagined that Brian and I would have three children, after he realized that he loved me enough to do so. Sure, I know he's gay, but he needs a beard for business purposes and that would have suited me, except when I wanted his cock in me. Brian has the most magnificent organ, with a natural curve that strokes my g-spot just right. The only other man I've fucked that comes close to having the same kind of curve is Sam Auerbach, but he has none of Brian's natural skill. There's just something about the way Brian moves within the person he's with that makes them feel like they're the only one that matters in getting off.

The fact that he's able to delay his orgasm until his lover of the moment reaches their peak, and then has an almost non-existent refractory period, is an added bonus. Having sex with Brian is one of those experiences a person lucky enough to do so never forgets. It's why Justin was addicted from that first moment, and no matter whoever he's with, he'll always be addicted to Brian's cock, just like the rest of us. But he has Ethan now, thanks to my interference. That's good, since Justin really should be with a kid his own age.

Oh, I know that Justin isn't really a child, but it doesn't mean that he deserves Brian. One should have to kiss a few frogs before bowing before a king, and Justin hasn't done nearly enough of that yet! He climbed Mt. Kinney and stayed there, until Michael and I knocked his tight little blond ass off. If we couldn't be riding high on the Kinney Express, why should he get to?! So when I found out that Ethan Gold would be giving a recital at the GLC, I told Michael that I thought I found the perfect foil for our plans to drag Justin out of Brian's bed.

Part of me felt bad because I was already messing with Justin's fragile self-esteem by subtly implanting the suggestion that perhaps he really should let PIFA go, after he told me about what Dean Ryasin said. I saw it as my opportunity to get him to do something else that wouldn't draw so much attention to him, in general. Like Brian, Justin is more intelligent than most, and beautiful, which he will only grow to be moreso as he ages. But then he has the temerity to be supremely talented as well, and it just isn't fair that he should have all of that going for him. Beauty, brains, and brilliance at his craft should be something he should have had to work for, just like every-fucking-body else!

So yes, I was jealous enough of his talent that since I couldn't have it, I wanted to it destroyed, too.

But back to how Ethan became involved in this... I knew the young man, having been introduced to him some months before by a mutual friend from the country club my parents are members of. It was kind of fortuitous that he was between boyfriends at the time. His high school sweetheart had just departed for Harvard, and they had decided to call it quits. So I decided to probe and find out if he was looking for a new one, then showed him a picture of Justin.

It wasn't decided until Ethan had flirted with Justin after his recital at the GLC that Ethan agreed to seduce Justin away from Brian. Michael said that offering Ethan money would get the results faster. He was only going to give Ethan a thousand dollars, but I told Michael to increase it to fifteen thousand- five grand to woo, and ten to remove. I reasoned that although Ethan is a college student, and his family is upper middle class, he was still responsible for his travel money. It was our intention that when Ethan traveled Justin would be by his side as it should be, since they are of an age.

We created a backstory for Ethan's dating life. Since Justin seemed to be attracted to tragic heroes, like Brian, we had Ethan tell Justin about his ex-boyfriend, who also loved to party hard and was commitment-phobic. Ethan used the invented story to place certain seeds in Justin's mind as a cautionary tale, and to build his self-esteem up. Then Michael and I would tear it down piece by piece, knowing that he would never tell Brian what we said. Brian not seeing him as a weak little faggot was extremely important to Justin, and it worked to mine and Michael's ultimate advantage. Brian helped destroy his relationship with Justin simply by being himself.

Eventually Justin got tired of all the things Brian seemingly did, and left. Now Ethan says that Justin is being secretive and standoffish; that he has his own house, but no one knows where it is. I wish he had told us all of this when Justin first moved out. Michael and I just found out about the sudden trip to California when we were in the Diner this morning, and Kiki asked Deb if she'd heard from Justin since he'd left. There was some mention of a poster that Justin had created for the Carnivale, and then Michael and I started to put two and two together. If Justin created the poster, then that meant Brian has been talking to Justin in the weeks since the little asshole got released from the hospital.

This news is especially troubling because although Justin is in LA now, we aren't quite certain where Brian is. Neither Ted nor that snob, Cynthia, are being forthcoming about where the fuck Brian's business meeting is. Using Gus hadn't worked to gain any information, because that fucking meddling bitch, Cynthia, had the nerve to call Melanie while Michael and I were standing there demanding that Ted tell us where Brian is. Before I even have a chance to further analyze the situation, Melanie is standing in the doorway, glowering at me.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Lindsay?"

"About what this time, Mel?"

"First, taking that thieving little fucker, Michael, to your parents' lawyer, and then harassing Ted and Cynthia, using Gus as your entitlement to do so. You know, I'm getting pretty fucking fed up with this shit!"

I step into the house, and turn to face her. "Fine! Be fed up, but then you'll be missing out on Gus growing up because I'll be a fucking sonofabitch, before I let you have custody of him!"

"Well unless you grow a dick you can't be a son of anything! And that's the main problem with you lately, isn't it? That you can't be a man, or is it that you can't get one, specifically Brian Kinney? If you were, you still think that you stalking Brian would make a difference in the fact that he doesn't want to be bothered by you every six seconds? Is that it? Well let me disabuse you of that right now, Lindz. He still wouldn't be interested in you, because lately you've become an interfering, nosy, self-entitled shrew! And for the record, I've already filed papers regarding Gus. Your set should arrive at your parents house by the time you reach there."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

"It means that you are not allowed within 50 feet of Gus and I. I'm also filing for divorce. Don't worry, your parents are willing to give you a place to stay. I showed them the tape with you riding about fifty dicks, so they are convinced that you are finally ready to start dating MEN now. Your stuff has already been sent ahead, and they are waiting for you."

She's holding the door open for me, and as I move to say something else in my defense, there is Carl and another three officers coming up the stairs to the front porch.

"Lindz, I would say that it is good to see you but under these difficult circumstances, I'm sure you'll forgive me that I'm not. These are Officers Llywelyn and Rodriguez. They are going to take you to the Petersons Residence in Sewickley. You are not allowed to have contact with Melanie and/or Gus until the matter of your divorce is resolved. I would advise that you contact your attorney for further instructions and legal advice," Carl tells me.

"Mel, surely you know you are making a mistake," I plead with her. "Look, we can work this out. I love you."

"Sure, you do. No, Lindsay, the only thing you love is yourself, and most assuredly Michael's brand of mischief, too. I don't want Gus to become a pawn in whatever game the two of you are playing. It doesn't help that you and I are on opposite sides of the issue as well, and it is disrupting Gus' home life significantly. I've already agreed to keep Ron informed about Gus' progress so any information you want to know, he'll be able to provide you with. Nancy is determined for you to find a cock to ride immediately, and has set you up on several dates already. Her only requirement for taking you in is that you don't mention your ‘female fornicating of ten years, or the bastard child it resulted in.' Well Sweetheart, you were so desperate to return to the WASP nest and high society, now you will. Have a nice life."

I couldn't believe any of this was happening. More importantly, that with what Mel and my parents have arranged, there was no way that I could be a mother to any of my children, without being broke and homeless. I can't even sue Mel for alimony because of a ...tape? What tape?

As if she heard my wheels turning, she whispers to me, "Oh Lindsay, before I forget... Your mother was also adamant about you disassociating yourself from Samuel Auerbach, immediately. The ‘scruffy goat,' as she calls him, is too crude to be allowed in polite society, even though he is because of his career in Art. As for the other men you've fucked in the car with Gus strapped in his carseat, either awake or sleeping, your parents have a copy of all of it and said that they would use it if necessary to bring you to heel. A word of advice, don't cheat on your next victim, unless you're sure they don't have a live feed or recording of your ass in the air. Brian also knows about it, and has agreed with every action I'm taking, so you don't get to whine and cry to him, either. And you certainly won't get to be a parent to Gus... or the others."

My eyes widen at the mention of the others. No one is supposed to know about them! Mel reaches into my purse, and takes my cell phone, as well as the credit cards with both of our names on them and the checkbook. It dawns on me just how at my parents' mercy I really am now, just as I was at Melanie's and Brian's. It really is disconcerting.

But I will find a way out of this; I have to. But...

Carl and the officers usher me to the car, and although I am still dazed about how my life has been turned inside out because of a few indiscretions, I can't help but feel a little betrayed by one of my so called best friends. My first order of business has now become how to make Brian Kinney pay for siding with Melanie. And I think I know just how to do that. But as I reach for my cell phone, I can't help but fucking curse. All of my important numbers were in there, and the very ONE I need, is unlisted!

And with all that my mother intends to do, there's no way I can get out of the house or go anywhere without her shadowing every fucking move I make. I am so fucking fucked!!

Ben

I arrive at what used to be Mel and Lindsay's house. I'm interested to find out if Mel's plan has worked. Since I see Lindsay in the back of the squad car, I imagine it has, but I also know what Mel is going through. I want to be there for her the way she has been for me. I don't think I could have made it through these past few weeks without Melanie, Ted, and Emmett.

They are such wonderful people to have in your corner after a devastation like the one I felt after Michael's betrayal. I'm still feeling some effects after that, like my sudden development of trust issues. But with friends like them, I know I'll be back to happy fairly soon. She opens the door, and the first thing I notice are the red puffy eyes and the blotchy skin, which tells me that she's been crying hard. I open my arms, and she comes into them willingly, which let's me know just how truly hurt she really is.

Mel is a lot like Brian. Neither one accepts gratitude or empathy very well, or often. They brush off any type of vulnerability, content in the knowledge that they are strong people all on their own. But it's times like this that I notice their distinct differences. There are times when life just gets to be too much, and whereas Brian would find the nearest backroom and bar, Mel sits and ponders until her mind begins to question itself as to if she has indeed done the right thing.

She lets herself question what's next, but never makes the move. Unlike Brian, who asks what's next, and immediately jumps into action. I watched him do that when Justin left. I knew he was devastated, but instead of wondering what to do now, he threw himself into his job and as a result Kinnetik was born some months later. Mel needs that kind of focus as well.

"I don't want you to worry, Mel. We'll all help, you know?" I feel her nod against me.

"I just didn't expect this, Ben. I mean, ten years I was with that woman."

"I know. My pain regarding Michael seems minimal in comparison."

"No, not at all. It still hurts, no matter the degree of the injury. The trouble is picking up the pieces. I don't know where to start, Ben."

"I know, but it will come to you. Just promise me something?"

"Sure, if I can," she says, as she pulls back to look at me.

"Promise me... that you're going to bake some of those lemon cookies you made me last week. They have become my addiction. Who knew you could bake like that?"

She beams at me, and then laughs. "I'm just full of surprises, and you're in luck because they are probably cooled off by now. Gus is at Dusty's house, having a playdate. I didn't want him here during... well enough about that. It's cookie time!"

We head into the house, and already the spirit of heaviness that I've always felt here, is lifted. Having the place cleared out of all Lindsay's attempts to turn this house into her very own WASP queendom, has given it an almost peaceful feeling. As Mel and I settle at the table, she broaches the subject of the house.

"I'm thinking about selling this place. Too many memories- some good, most bad."

"If that's the case, then you should call Jennifer Taylor," I advise. "Any idea where you would want to live?"

"Wait, why am I calling Jennifer Taylor?"

"She's an excellent real estate agent."

"I didn't even know she was going to school for that."

"No one did except..."

"Brian," we say together, and then laugh.

"She was trying to decide what she wanted to do when he took over the care of Justin. Craig was being a dick and withholding alimony, while trying to prove Jenn unfit to raise Molly. Brian paid for her to go to school, and arranged for her to become a consultant with Kinnetik when dealing with anything RE related. Although Brian is working primarily in Advertising and Marketing, he's looking to expand his budding empire."

"He doesn't think he's moving too soon?" Mel asks me.

"Not with the way property is being snatched up. With the marriage initiative of the new millennium finally bearing fruit, a lot of people who left the area years ago for Canada are coming back. Brian is determined that he be one of the key owners of Pennsylvania property, so that those who are coming back won't run into homophobic pricks who will deny them access to quality housing simply based on who they choose to sleep with. As long as they pay their rent on time and take care of the property, it shouldn't matter," I tell her.

"Wow, that's admirable of Brian. Has he bought anything yet?"

"A large condo complex at the edge of Sewickley, and another in Harrisburg. Jenn did the negotiations for both of them. They are currently being renovated."

"I gotta hand it to Brian. Sometimes his impulsive tendencies pay off in spades. Maybe it's time I take a page out of his book."

"What do you mean?" I look at her, and I think I'm beginning to see the fire in Mel, which has been suppressed for more years than I can imagine.

"I need to talk to Ted, but if Brian is willing, I think I have a way for turning Kinnetik Advertising Agency into Kinnetik Corporation. I'm thinking that if several companies, including Justin's two businesses, are willing to join up with him to form a Corporation, it will give all the little companies that can be threatened with an influx of newcomers, who are also entrepreneurs, some much needed protection from being swallowed up. And let's face it, Brian Kinney can be very convincing when he wants to be. Look at what his little speech in Justin's hospital room did for me."

I nod, understanding the wisdom of her plan and what she said about Brian's advice to her. "Do you think it will ever be the same between those two?" I know I didn't have to tell her whom I was speaking of.

"There was a lot hurt on both sides. Brian trusted Justin with everything he had, even though he never said. But Justin validated Brian's assumption that people couldn't be trusted by his actions with Ethan. Now that's not to say Justin didn't have reason to do what he did, because let's face it, none of us know what it was like to be the boytoy of Brian Kinney. None of us have had our whole perception of life and our places in it rocked at the crack of a bat. Sadly, Justin did. And it didn't help that the puppet-masters pulling his strings were so good at manipulation, they caused Justin to buy into their bullshit as fact. The pre-bashing Justin would never have bought into their lies and innuendo, but post-bashing Justin did. I think he's finally beginning to get his mental footing back again, after all this time.

"As for whether he and Brian can pick up the pieces of their relationship- for that's what it was even if Brian refused to call it that- it remains to be seen. I just know that if they don't talk soon and make a decision to either work it out or cut their losses and move on, this unfinished business between them is going to ruin even their business relationship. And they work fucking great together! Did you hear that Brian is up for another Clio award from a campaign Justin helped him with back before he left Vanguard? The Brown campaign is the one they're nominated for. Justin was the unofficial animator and artist on the campaign for the print ads, and a consultant when it came to the commercials."

"Are you freaking kidding me?" I ask her, incredulously. That fucking kid is just amazing, and the crazy of it is that he hasn't even finished college yet!

"Nope, not kidding. Justin just gets Brian. I've seen them work together a few times in the past. It's like magic! Brian will give the most basic concept imaginable, and then Justin will pick it up and draw it. Then Brian will add another layer to the concept, and Justin gets back in there to add the depth. It's simply fucking incredible that they are that in tune with each other. It will be a shame to see that kind of genius destroyed simply because of their pride, and the jealousies of other people."

"Hopefully they will get their shit together, Mel. I hope they won't let Michael and Lindsay win. Maybe they will see each other at the GLC Carnivale on Friday night."

"They should, since Justin is due to come back. His doodles from the earlier Rage drawings are going up for auction, and as an additional prize, the highest bidder gets to have dinner on Saturday evening with the artist. Justin agreed to it even before Brian asked him about doing the posters, which look fucking fabulous by the way."

"And as ad firm in charge, Brian has to be there. Maybe...."

"Uh-huh, Ben. We are not about to become Michael and Lindsay in reverse. Whatever they do, whatever they decide, has to be between them."

I sigh aloud. "You're right. No playing matchmaker. Where is Brian anyway?"

"I don't know, and Ted is being really tight-lipped about it. He's away on business. I guess they're keeping it quiet, until the deal at least goes through. It must be a really big account."

"I would imagine so." I shrug. "We'll find out soon enough about that, I suppose. Have you heard from Justin at all?"

"He emailed me back earlier. He's doing okay, getting a lot of work done and Wednesday, he's supposed to go to something George Schickle arranged for him. I think he said something about a Dance Competition."

"That should be interesting. I know that Emmett is working on a Dancesport exhibition and reception for George Schickle, as well. I wonder if he and his long-time companion are finally going to tie the knot."

"Maybe, now that Virginia Hammond is dead and gone. WHOO, talk about a battleaxe! I don't know who was worse, her or the ever present thorn in Brian's side, Joan Kinney."

"Well let's hope we don't have to find out. In the meantime, let's call Jennifer and Ted, before I finish all of these cookies. Damn Mel, you're going to have me on the treadmill for the next six months."

We both laughed, knowing that if it came down between eating these addictive lemon cookies and working out, these cookies just might win.  

Deb

I walk into the house, only to find Vic pacing with an envelope in his hand. He turns and looks at me and all I can see is anger in his normally-serene blue eyes.

"You just couldn't help yourself, could you, Deb? You just had to find a way to bail him out. Remortgaging the house again, Debbie? We just got out from under that huge rock because of Brian, and you willingly put us back there again because of Michael's inconsiderate, vindictive behavior! When the fuck are you going to let him grow up?! When you're dead and buried in the ground from working too much and too hard, is that when?"

"Vic.."

"Don't you ‘Vic' me, Deborah Jane Grassi! Don't you dare try to make the usual excuses about him being your son, and how you have to take care of him. Michael is a grown man! Or is supposed to be, at any rate. No, you are an enabler, and as long as he knows he has you to bail him out of any tight spot- any mischief he gets into, and any tantrum he throws- YOU are always going to suffer the backlash. Where's that notorious spine you're supposed to have, the one that never backs down, or gives in to bullies? I have a news flash for you, Deb: YOUR SON IS A BULLY! And you're his willing victim time and time again!" Vic slams the papers down on the table and heads for the door. "Rodney and I have moved. You're welcome to come and visit as soon as we get the house fixed up the way we want to, but Michael is not welcome. It's in the same neighborhood as Em and Ted's place.

"Do yourself a favor, Deb. Move in with Carl like he's been asking you to, and leave this place to Michael. If he wants somewhere to lay his head at night, I'm sure he'll find a way to come up with the money to pay the mortgage. I feel sorry for you, if you stay."

And with that, my brother has left the building. I don't think I've ever seen Vic as angry with me as he is right now, but what can I do? I can't leave Michael. I sit down and think about what he said about Michael being a bully, and you know what? Vic is right!

Michael may not have physically abused me... No, my job, and the extra hours I work to cover Michael's fuck ups do that for him. But he's emotionally abusing me, and he has been for a long time. I think back to the many nights I've stayed up, worrying about how I was going to keep my house while Michael took my mortgage money in the past to invest in his toys, or whatever-the-fuck else he wanted. Meanwhile, his own credit is so fucked up that he can't even take out a loan, and according to the receipts Mel and Ted showed me in the presence of Brian, Justin, Em, and Ben, Michael has exhausted just about all of Justin's money, as well.

But I can't let my baby go to jail. That's just... That's just, too much! No, he shouldn't have taken from Justin like that, and no he shouldn't have paid some woman to have babies in the hope of trapping Brian into a relationship. But... oh shit!

I wonder if they know about Ethan, and what I found out about Michael's involvement with him. Justin has enough worries- he's been through so much- but I don't really want to tell him that Michael paid Ethan to date him. Kiki told me about it when I came in for my shift earlier today. How could the son I raised do something like that? How could he continuously do these things to hurt Justin, knowing what he means to all of us?

One thing is clear though, Michael just doesn't give a fuck about Justin. I really don't think he cares for Brian either, otherwise he would want him to be happy. And I'm even starting to believe that he even doesn't care about me. If Vic is to be believed, and yes I trust my brother, Michael only cares for and about himself. Sadly, once again, he's proven that when he utters the words I love you, he is as superficial and fake as my many synthetic wigs.

His ‘love' is completely conditional, and as toxic as Craig Taylor's was for Justin. It's completely fucked! And the worst part, is that I've helped him think it's right and acceptable by bowing to his wishes, after the initial whine and then the cheese-eating grin of his smile when he gets his way.

With a new determination and resolve, I go over to the phone on the wall. I take one last deep breath to cleanse my apprehension of what I am about to do. I know now, that I deserve a life of my own, and Michael's stunts and bullshit have stopped me from stepping out on the same faith I tell everyone else to have. But I have to fucking find it first! I hear the phone ring, and the voice I am really longing to hear right now answers the phone.

"Horvath."

"Carl, honey. My answer is yes!"

Justin

I'm fucking exhausted, but lying here wide awake. Brian fell asleep after our fourth fuck. I think between the jet lag, good food, great talk, and even greater sex, Brian is officially worn out... Well, at least for awhile. After we left the Thai restaurant down in Santa Monica, we talked some more, just re-learning each other as he drove us back here to Hollywood Hills.

I got the impression that Brian is as intent on making this work, as I am scared that it won't. But we both agreed to try, and that's something. Most would think that I'm too young to be with a man like Brian, but I would beg to differ. Brian is determined not to stunt my growth as a man, or as an artist, hence the whole ‘no boyfriends' remarks. When I asked him what he considers me if not his boyfriend, he said that I'm his partner.

I brighten more and more each time I think about it than I did the first time he uttered the words. So Michael was absolutely right... Brian Kinney does NOT do boyfriends! But he does do his PARTNER, completely, repetitively, and tirelessly. And God I'm so sore right now, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

But as happy as I am at this moment, I know I need to make this phone call. Daphne called me just as we were pulling in to the driveway. It was kinda hard to concentrate, because as soon as the car stopped, Brian was attacking the erogenous zone behind my left ear with a vengeance. I listened with half an ear to her describe what the last three weeks I've been away from Pittsburgh have been like. Ethan keeps harassing her to the point where she is ready to head to the nearest police station and take out a restraining order.

Not only that, but Michael has been hanging around the campus, too. She's seen the two of them arguing, although she doesn't know what they could possibly have to talk about, except me. Ethan is this constant cloud hanging over my head, but I really don't want to be the reason he misses out on his opportunity of a lifetime. I look over at the man who is my own opportunity of a lifetime, and want Ethan to experience what it's like to know he's where he's supposed to be. He's not a bad person per se; just severely misguided and easily led in many ways.

I guess the same could be said about me, while I was lost within my own head for awhile. But the difference between me and Ethan, is that my issues weren't steeped in selfishness. I suppose that happens when you're an only child, and a prodigy at that. I see some of those same traits in Michael, in that he was never taught how to share, or that he couldn't have everything he wanted. I think I appreciate my mom and sister a lot more now.

Even if the context presents a different scenario, with Molly's arrival, I learned from an early age that the world, and its entirety, didn't and will never revolve solely around me and my desires. It's funny how the life lessons most of us were taught as children, translate and reshape themselves to fit into every situation in life. Sure, there are times when we all should be a little selfish, but it should never be at the expense of another's complete happiness. With that thought in mind, I pick up my cell phone, and walk outside. The full moon is high in the sky, illuminating the entire backyard and reflecting off the pool.

The gentle wind filtering through the trees caresses my skin with the warm breeze, allowing the fine sheen of sweat to dry. I smell like sex and Brian, and I find myself getting turned on all over again. But I know I have to stop talking myself into going inside to jump Brian's bones, and deal with Ethan. I really want to take both Brian and Daphne's advice, and break it off officially right now. It's past time for me to have done that since I knew by the second day of moving in with him that we were just spinning tires, and wasting time.

But I never want to be the cause of someone not being able to reach their goals, even if they are responsible for how they greet their own destiny. If Ethan doesn't make it to his personal version of success while he thinks we're still together, then it's all on him. But if he does, I can officially end this charade with a clear conscience. Cold of me? Maybe, but I refuse to let someone else be happy at my own expense ever again.

Michael and Lindsay taught me that very valuable lesson, even as I gave them permission- unknowingly or not- to do it.

Jumping into the pool, I swim a few laps, mentally preparing myself to deal with a clingy, whiny Ethan, which I know he will be. Not for the first time, I wonder why the hell I left the Rage party with him. But in life you don't get do-overs, only the chance to get shit right the next time. That's what Brian and I are doing. We're giving ourselves a chance to get it right this time.

Now that everything is out in the open, and we've made an agreement to speak our minds to each other without fear of rejection or reprisal; to not to go running to anyone else with the problem before we talk, I think we have a good chance. We both think that a large part of our problems was that everyone else knew of our issues, before we did. Yes, Brian and I live our lives as openly gay men, but when he's the King of Liberty Avenue and I'm the one who he fucks more than once, people tend to look for reasons to mess that up. It just so happened that whereas all of Liberty may have been waiting for my fall from the lap on the throne. And those closest to Brian were making sure it happened.

I've steeped and stewed in my thoughts long enough, and I need to call Ethan before it gets much later. Counting back three hours, I notice that it's just one in the morning in Pittsburgh. Ethan should have been home from the studio for a couple of hours, but still would have felt the need to practice a bit more. Lord knows I don't miss that! I shake my head at the thought, and scroll through my missed calls to see that next to Ethan's name is the number twenty-six.

I can't help but release a sigh of annoyance, that instead of practicing, he is finding a whole new way to stalk me even three-thousand miles away. Before it was showing up where I was, and hovering. Now it's showing up where my best friend is, and leaving me countless messages on my phone and emails. Well, it's time to put a put a stop to this! So I push his name on the touchscreen, and listen for the connection....

Ethan      

That fucking Daphne wouldn't tell me anything! Instead, she brings over some rent-a-cop who threatens to have me removed from campus. Okay... okay so what! I've been just showing up wherever she is. I figured that I would wear her down, using the same tactics I did with Justin in order to get what I wanted- or more to the point- what I'm being paid for.

But whereas Justin was nice about telling me to stop, Daphne is just a fucking bitch! If she would just tell me what I want to know, then I wouldn't be bothered with her. My God, I can't wait until Justin FINALLY honors my wishes, and ends his friendship with her! I mean, after all she's a woman; what could she possibly know about being gay?! That friendship should have ended YEARS ago!

Then to make matters worse, I find out from Michael no less, that Brian is out of town on business, but he doesn't know where. He said that Ted, who I know is Justin's accountant, and this Cynthia person- whomever the fuck she is- wouldn't tell him and Lindsay where Brian is. The GPS tracker that Michael usually uses to find out where Brian is has been turned off, and he wasn't answering his phone. Of course, that makes me panic as well. But Justin's has his tracker turned off, since before he left Pittsburgh; even before he left the hospital, in fact.

It's why I've never been able to find out where he lives, so that I could surprise him with a romantic dinner before he left. I still don't understand why he didn't tell me he was leaving. But that just gives credence to my complaints to Michael and Lindsay, about Justin's secrets. Destroying his car did nothing to bring us closer. Instead, it just drove him further away from me...

Fucking three-thousand miles away from me, to be exact!

"Hey, where are you?" LeRoy asks me.

"I'm right here, Baby," I say, placating him.

"Well come back from wherever you are in your head, and I'll fuck you into the mattress again."

He kisses my bare shoulder, and I can't help but moan. Even though LeRoy and Justin are as different from each other as night and day, they both have the same kind of pillowy soft lips, which when applied send tingles straight through to my cock. Also the way they fuck me is different. Lee takes his time, as if savoring me, but Justin... Sometimes I feel like he just wants to get me off, so he can get on with whatever he was thinking about while fucking me.

He wasn't like that in the beginning. He was kind and considerate and passionate. But then his preoccupation with other things started to affect our lovemaking. He would never tell me what was going through his mind, and would consistently dodge any questions I had. I just knew it had something to do with that fucking bastard Kinney.

I mean, it had to be since he NEVER EVER let me top him!

I remember when I tried, and was nearly decked in return. About two months ago, the deep gusty sighs of a man getting pleasured reached my ears as I woke up. At first, I thought Justin was masturbating and wanted to ask why he didn't wake me, so I could join in. It was then that I realized Justin had been moaning in his sleep. Seeing the furrowed brow as if concentrating on the imagined sensation, affected me as strongly as seeing the tip of his cock, leaking against his belly.

The semen glistening against the pale skin in the moonlight filtering through the window was hard to resist, so I didn't try to. I swirled my fingers around in it. Then I set my lips to the head of his dick to drink my fill. His hand had found its way into my hair, and he began to pull and tug gently at first, then with more force as he fucked my face. I was encouraged as I looked up at his sleeping face.

It was so full of passion like I had never seen it before, and knew I wanted to see it while I fucked him.

My own cock was hard and hungry, watching my beautiful blond get lost in the throes of passion, even as he slumbered on. Keeping one hand on his hardened member, I reached over for the lube and condoms, he always kept by the bed. I was going to give him what I knew he was craving. The sounds of his deep moans and mewling cries, encouraged me to keep at him. I put the condom on and slathered it with lube in preparation for what was to come...

Namely ME cumming in HIS ass, for a change.

Spreading his legs apart, I applied my lubed fingertip to the outer rim of the most shapely ass I had ever had the pleasure to lay eyes on. It wasn't until I pushed my fingertip inside of him, that I heard a low growl emit from him, and felt the strong, near-suffocating grip of his left hand around my neck. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Ethan?"

I think that was the first time I'd ever heard Justin truly angry, but at the time, I didn't understand why. Honestly, I still don't. 

"I'm getting ready to satisfy your body, Baby. You must have been having the most amazing dream. The way you were moaning and writhing and pleading... Oh come on, Jus. Just let me fuck you. You know you want to be fucked."

I leaned in to kiss him, even as he moved his head so that I wouldn't catch his lips. Instead of giving into me and his desires, Justin released his hold on my neck, got out of bed, then left the apartment. I was too stunned to ask what the fuck was wrong with him, or where he was going in the middle of the night. Based on that time of night, everything was closed. It wasn't until later, that I found out he had driven to his mom's house to sleep on her fucking couch.

And when I asked him about it, he told me not to fucking try to top him again.

I knew then that there was only one person Justin bottomed for, and I would never be him. Brian Kinney had ruined Justin for anyone else, especially me! He wouldn't even entertain the thought of another fucking him. It was evident that he'd rather suffer from the want; to remain unfulfilled rather than let me satisfy him. Anyway, from that night on, things between him and I haven't been the same sexually...

Or in any other way, for that matter.

"Ethan, if you're going to keep being preoccupied while I'm trying to make love to you, maybe I should just go home, and leave you to your thoughts," LeRoy's annoyed voice, interrupts my musings.

"Sorry, Lee. I'm just... thinking about the competition. I can't believe it's on Thursday. I guess I'm just super nervous, and excited all at the same time."

"I know, Ethan... I'm a bit nervous for you, too. But we both know you'll do fine. Unless Marta has mastered her nerves at long last, you'll have nothing to worry about."

"But that's the thing, Lee. She's been practicing how to stand up to the pressure. Marta is one of the best I've ever come up against in competition."

"And... Look E, the thing about competition is that it really doesn't matter how flawless you are in practice; it's about who has the better day. It doesn't mean that you aren't good enough, or that you've failed miserably at something you obviously want so badly. It's just about showing up, and doing your best. Let the rest take care of itself. And in the meantime, I'm going to take care of you," Lee tells me, moving to his knees before me.

I hear my phone buzzing, and am tempted to ignore it. But Lee makes the decision for me, handing me my phone just as he sticks the tip of his tongue into the slit. "He- Hello," I say, unable to catch my breath as he does it, again and again.

"Hey, Ethan," Justin says to me. "I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"N...No, of course not." I try to shift and stop Lee, but he's got his eyes closed and is lost in the sensation of blowing my dick and my mind, at the same time. Fuck! I love it when he does that. I clear my throat, and try to sound as normal as I can. "How are you? How's California?" I can't help the sneer that comes through at the end of the question, nor the slight hiccup emitting from me when LeRoy nibbles the pillar of my cock.

"California is great. In fact, I've had a lot of much needed time to think while I'm here working. I will be back in the Pitts briefly for the GLC Carnivale, and a few other meetings at the end of the week. I think you and I need to see each other. I know the competition is on Thursday, and you should be really busy but try to have a little fun too, Ethan."

"Oh, like you're having in Cali? I don't have time for that, Jus. You know that. This could set us up for life, Baby."

I hear a slight hitch in his breath just before he says, "No, Ethan. It could mean a career for you, which is how it should be. I have my own career goals, and it isn't to be your personal groupie. But this, and some other things, will have to wait to be discussed until after your competition. I just called to let you know that I'm alright, and to STOP fucking harassing Daphne. She's ready to throw you into the Lion's Den at the Pittsburgh Zoo, or into the middle of Meathook, so that a big hairy leather daddy will take you firm in hand, and train you. Those are her words not mine."

And then he lets out a little giggle that I've never heard him use before.

"Justin? Justin, is someone there with you?"

"Why? Is someone there with you?"

"What are you doing?"

"The same thing you are."

That brought me up short, since I'm actually on the phone with him while LeRoy is sucking me off. Does that mean he's also getting sucked off? And if he is, then by whom?"

"Justin, is Brian with you?!" I ask the question, before I can stop myself.

"Why would you ask me something like that, Ethan? As far as I know, Brian is in the same city you are," he answers, but then chuckles, low and deep, again.

"Michael and Lindsay are looking for him," I answer meekly, suddenly feeling a little sick to my stomach.

"I'm not surprised, but I am also not his keeper... and neither are you. Why, of all people, would they seek you out to ask about Brian?"

Again, I'm stumped by his question. I often forget how intelligent Justin is, and just how intuitive he can be when he chooses to. Well I can't very well tell him the truth, now can I? They were there to remind me of my obligations to them for the fee of fifteen-thousand dollars. Also to assure me that if I didn't find a way to convince Justin to accept leaving with me- whether I win the competition or not- they were going to go to the cops and tell them everything about the money AND the car.

I clear my throat before answering him, thinking of all their threats could mean. "They were just concerned, is all. They had heard you left for the west coast while they were having breakfast at the Diner this morning, and weren't able to find Brian. According to them, Ted, and whomever Cynthia is, weren't being very forthcoming so they thought to ask me if I had heard from you. I told them I hadn't as of this afternoon. Why haven't I heard from you, Baby?"

"I've had nothing of importance to say, Ethan and you know me... I don't like to waste words. I figured that since I'll be tied up with appointments for the next couple of days beginning tomorrow, that I would call and ask you to stop stalking the people I know, and get to practicing. Phoebe emailed me, and said that Marta is definitely competing in the Heifetz. So you don't have time to waste, chasing information about me. I want you to concentrate on your goals and do your best, E. Okay?"

I'm trying to absorb everything he's just said, but I can't shake the feeling that my world is about to go to hell in a handbasket the minute the competition is over. "Will you be back in time, Jus? I really want you here."

"No, Ethan. But don't worry, you will do fine. Well, that is if you PREPARE! We'll talk Friday, when I get in. I have to be at the Carnivale most of the night, but maybe afterwards?"

LeRoy is picking up speed on my cock, preparing me for the big finish. I feel the air exchanging in my lungs as I tamp down the urge to moan into Justin's ear as LeRoy uses my dick to fuck his mouth. God, this man gives one helluva blowjob! "Yeah, sure, okay, Baby... I- oh fuck- I'll see you Friday." I hang up, before I scream my orgasm into the receiver.

I hope to God that Justin didn't realize what the hell I was doing, while I was on the phone with him. If anything will make him compare me to Brian, it will be that we are both cheaters, even though Justin says that Brian didn't cheat on him, because he knew of the tricks. I don't buy that shit, but then again, I've never been the cuckold. If Justin is to be believed, Brian was the victim in all this love triangle bullshit. Either way, if I don't find a way to keep Justin, it won't only be my career in danger, but my entire life.

But right now I can't think about it too much since LeRoy has just sheathed that massive dick of his, and I need to be pounded until I forget that I'm fucked and fucked up.

Justin

If Ethan thinks I don't know he was getting blown the entire time he was on the phone with me, he really is more dense than I thought. The fact that I'm not upset about it, is extremely telling though. I simply don't care. So Ethan has a trick or seventeen; it doesn't matter to me. I can honestly say that if I had found out months ago before Brian and I even reconnected, that it wouldn't have mattered to me then, either.

I guess it comes with finally understanding what makes the significant other different from the trick. It's the life you actually share with the person, beyond the bedroom. Part of me hopes that Ethan will decide to make a life with whomever was sucking his cock tonight, but then the other part wants Ethan to be free to achieve his goals without encumbrances. Not all men are like Brian, especially not fairly sheltered, idealistic men no matter what their age is. We all have ideals, even Brian, but we also deal with what's real.

Ethan hasn't gotten there yet, and probably never will. He wants someone who will play second fiddle to him; the adoring fan, willing to put themselves on the backburner, so that Ethan Gold can shine on. I'm certainly NOT that man! But folks say that there is a lid for every pot in this world. So perhaps he'll find his.

And if all else fails, Ethan can have Michael. I laugh loud at that thought.

"What's so funny?" Brian asks me, from the inside of the pool.

"I was just sitting here, imagining what would happen if Michael and Ethan made a go at a relationship."

Brian mock shudders at the thought before saying, "You know... that might not be a bad idea. Michael always did love narcissistic older men. Perhaps it would serve him right to become one to Ethan. As for Ethan, he always wanted a worshipper at his temple of Fool's Gold, and Michael is just gullible enough to be that for him."

"Yeah, but they're both bottoms."

"A double-headed dildo will take care of that."

"And Michael is facing jail time if he doesn't come up with my money..."

Brian has this strange look on his face for a moment, but then he shrugs and says, "Well they approved gay marriages. Perhaps gay conjugal visits will be next."

He and I snicker at that thought. And then when the kiss deepens, all thoughts of Ethan and Michael cease to exists. In the quiet of the night, only Brian and I matter. And that's just how it should be.