As We Lay- Shirley Murdock

Lyrics

It's morning,/ And we slept the night away/ It happened,/ Now we can't turn back the

hands of time (oh no)/ Yes we've stolen this moment,/ We forgot to face, one simple

fact/ We both belong to someone else/ As we slept, the night away

It's morning,/ Sunlight shines across your sleeping face (uh huh)/ A new day,

Brings reality that we must go our/ Separate way/ What a lovely night, we had (yeah

yeah)/ As we shared each other's love/ We forgot about all the pain we'd cause/ As we

slept the night away

As we lay/ We forgot about tomorrow as we lay (mmhmm, hey hey)/ As we lay/ We

didn't think about the price we'd have to pay(oh no, no no no no no no no)

It's morning/ And now it's time for us to say goodbye/ Goodbye baby/ You're leaving

me,/ I know you got to hurry home to face your wife, whoa/ I would never never want

to hurt her no/ She would never understand/ You belonged to me for/ Just one night/

As we slept the night away

I would never never want to hurt her no/ She would never understand/ You belonged

to me for/ Just one night/ As we slept the night away/ As We Lay/ We forgot about

tomorrow/ As we lay/ We didn't think about the price we'd have to pay... Oh no hey

We should have counted up the cost/ But instead we got lost/ In the second, in the

minute, in the hours/ Hey hey, hey as we lay/ We forgot about tomorrow, as we lay

Whoa/ It's morning (it's morning) (oo oo)

Written by Larry Troutman, Billy Beck

• Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Chapter 5

Justin

Consciousness claimed me but I lay here, refusing to open my eyes and let go of the dream I was having. I know that I've slept deeply from the way my chest rises and falls confined by my skin. Part of me feels guilty for sleeping next to Ethan, while basking in the glow of the most fabulous dream I'd had since leaving Brian. Mostly, I've either stayed awake or woken up in cold sweats from the nightmares that have returned full force. But not this morning.

No. This morning I feel renewed, despite the fact that I'm still mildly exhausted. But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Within that dream world, where it was just Brian and me, everything was said that should have been voiced a long time ago. I actually had the courage to tell him that for a while now, I haven't been able to trust anyone- even myself- but I trusted him; that he fucked me over while fucking ‘himself.'

That I wished I had had the courage that night to choose him over the easy road I have now. That I needed easy.

It was the first time I had asserted myself in a long time... Even if it was only in my dreams. I still regret hurting Brian, and I know that we have to talk eventually. Maybe without the passion and a bed, it would go smoothly. It definitely wasn't smooth after we finished.

Fuck! I wish I could return to that dreamstate where there were no naysayers, or people who think they know us better than we do ourselves. I wish there really was a place where it was only him and me, and no one else; a place where our problems weren't center stage and Liberty Avenue's latest drama. But talk about wishful thinking. Whether I regret it or not, I was the only one who left in defeat, and everyone knows it.

I sigh, knowing that to think about this anymore will deflate my semi-good mood. I have to get up and fix breakfast and dinner because my schedule is full today. I'll never understand how Ethan survived on the shitty tips he makes. But then again, his parents are basically footing all of his bills and all he has to do is eat or have money for travelling when he goes out of town, I suppose it's easy to make things work. Opening my eyes, I notice a feeling of deja vu, as if I had done this very thing, in this very place before.

And I fucking have.

It takes me a moment to register the ultra-high ceiling, and industrial feel of the place where I rested my head last night. Blinking slowly and reaching up to wipe my eyes again, I keep hoping what I think I'm seeing is just a leftover remnant from my imagination gone wild. I mean, it would stand to reason that since I dreamed of Brian and I arguing and vividly having sex, I would experience a post-somatic hallucination, right? RIGHT?! Oh fuck.

I am so WRONG!!

I fucking hear just how mistaken I am, when the rhythm changed in his breathing signaling his very near ascent from his own slumber. I can't stop my eyes from traveling down the long length of his supine and slender body, knowing that at the end of my perusal there will be an impressive tent in the sheets when my eyes unintentionally caresses his groin. The minute hitch escaping from his half open lips, tells me that I need to get the fuck up and moving before either one of us has a chance to say or regret anything that happened in reality instead of the dream world I was happily cavorting in. I swallowed hard as my body tingled, knowing that before I could escape the bed, I was already caught. It would have been nice to think that I could ever put one over on Brian.

But I can't, not even in this instance. He's blinking at me slowly now. I guess he's entitled to have the same suspension of disbelief moment I already indulged a few moments prior. But it isn't changing the fact that the sun is now peaking over the top of the trees and that in the light of day, I should've left instead of... 

"Morning," he says to me in that sleep-sexy voice, I have always loved.

I couldn't stop the involuntary shiver, working its way up my spine. Brian has always had that effect on me, from the moment I met him. But right now, I can't afford to languish or relish in the fact that I can still feel when it comes to him. No, in fact I should probably be regretting that I do... But I don't.

Looking into his eyes, I see the same emotional questions flitting through my own and know that we are about to enter dangerous territory once again. Now I understand why Brian was always against talking about fucking feelings. Before I let myself get wrapped up in memories and nostalgia again, my ringing cell phone breaks me out of my early morning stupor.

"I, uh... I..."

"Go Justin," he said, turning away from me as he did. "You always do."

And there it is... The fundamental flaw in my character. The people that I shouldn't stand up to, I have no problem telling to go to hell and how fast to get there while riding Satan's pitchfork. But the one person I should be, and could be honest with more than perhaps even myself; the one who accepts me, flaws and all, is the one I seem to always leave. It doesn't matter that he pushes me to make a choice of where I want to be.

The fact is that I always choose to go. Why is that? Do I use the time as a regrouping period in order to make a comeback as some former champion would? Or am I being a coward and seemingly taking the safest way to sanity? After last night's airing of dirty laundry in the place where it all began, I think it's high time that I answer those questions.

I get dressed in silence, stealing glances over my shoulder every now and again, almost wishing that he would look back at me. I know that whether he wants me to stay or not is irrelevant. He wants me to, but would never ask. I know that. But what does matter is what I want, and there is no easy answer to that anymore.

There's no doubt that I will always want Brian. Who wouldn't? Smart, successful, sex on fucking legs; Brian is every man's dream, and at least Lindsay's, too. But that wasn't enough for me before, and I know that it isn't now. Even what Ethan gives me, isn't enough.

Does that make me egocentric? The funny thing is that if I mentioned these thoughts to Brian, he would sanction them saying ‘There's nothing wrong with getting your needs met.' And I may have even bought that idea had I not seen what destruction thinking of only myself had wrought. I looked down at the keys in my hand; the two that I had snatched off my keyring in anger just before I came upstairs and things got heated. The two little objects, which have always meant so much to me, I almost threw at Brian when I walked into the loft.

Part of me thinks that I should return them. I mean after all, it is his loft. It was his before me, and obviously it still is now that I'm gone. But the selfish bastard I can be sometimes says that I've earned these two little silver items, which gives me unlimited access to a one-of-a-kind King. I've earned them in more ways than most people would ever know.

So for now I'll keep them until this- whatever the fuck it is- is settled, for good or ill. But right now, this.... This can't happen again.

I let myself out of the loft, locking the door behind me and setting the alarm. Looking down at my cell phone, I see that it was Daphne calling. As I dial her number, I'm reminded of another time she covered for me. It was the morning after Brian and I began. That time it was my mom; I'm pretty sure this time is about Ethan... again.

"Justin, where the hell are you?"

"Just walking around." It wasn't a lie...well it would have been 5 minutes ago, but that's beside the point.

"Well, your fucking boyfriend just interrupted my morning sex-a-thon with Bachelor number three. He showed up here, supposedly worried, but I get the impression that he was more pissed off than concerned for your well-being."

"Oh shit! I'm sorry, Daph."

"Don't be sorry; Be fucking HONEST. Again I ask, where the fuck are you?"

"I'm on my way to get my car, and then I think I need some time alone. There's a lot going on right now, and I'm just feeling a little... overwhelmed."

She softened her tone. "Are you really okay, Jus? You know we've never kept secrets. If something's wrong..."

"I'll work it out, and then I promise full-disclosure. But give me a chance to work out my own issues. There's no need to put all this on you, too."

"If you're sure," she told me.

I reassured her and hung up the phone. No sooner had I disconnected when Ethan rang the phone. I wasn't in the mood for my own whiny version of Michael Novotny, so I let it go to voicemail in the hopes that he would take the hint and just leave me alone. I didn't have to work today and after last night, I just can't take the questions and accusations. Although in this case, he would be right.

Was it strange that I didn't feel like I owed Ethan any explanation, but when I had to own up to my infidelity with Brian, I respected him enough to give him one? The more I compare my relationship with Brian to my relationship with Ethan, the more I find that there are more flaws and holes in the latter than there ever were between Brian and I. I now understand why people say the grass always looks greener on the other side. Wouldn't everyone be surprised to know that my current situation is full of crabgrass and weeds? But hindsight and all that, right?   

I checked the time on my cellphone, noting that Ethan should be in class now. I walked the distance between Brian's loft and Ethan's place in record time. Once again, I couldn't bring myself to take the bus even though I would have been there within twenty minutes instead of the near hour it took me. Another strange thing I'm noticing as I hold out the single key on a violin keyring is that I have never bothered to put it with my other keys. With the loft keys, I put them back on the keyring with my car keys, almost immediately after I left.

But Ethan's apartment key, I always keep separate. Not to get all philosophical here, but there has to be a reason that I keep one part of my life separate from all others. I suppose I can figure that out while I change.

"Where the fuck were you? And don't tell me Daphne's. I checked with her and she hasn't seen you for two days!"

I'm stunned to see that Ethan missed his class, which he never does. I might have been touched, except that I am taking umbrage at his tone which is that of a parent-child relationship, instead of equals. Not that we really are, but still... "Out," I say as I move around him towards the area where I've stored my clothes. I grab my sketchbook and messenger bag along with my towel, washcloth, soap, and shampoo.

"Is that all you're going to say? That you were 'out'?" He has his arms folded and is tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for an answer. He isn't going to like the one he gets.

"Yes, that's all. You should have gone to class. I could really do with some peace right now."

"Justin, I think you owe me an explanation about where you've been. I'm your partner!"

I sigh. "No Ethan, you are not my partner. We didn't sign any papers to make that happen."

"Is that what you want? You want a legally binding commitment?"

Suddenly, I feel a panic attack coming and I know that I have to get the fuck out of here fast. "No Ethan, that isn't what I want. Right now, I just need to go."

"Not until you tell me why you didn't come home last night!"

"If I wanted you to know, I would have told you when you asked the first time. Now that is all I am going to say, so you might as well stop badgering."

"Justin..."

"Goddamnit, Ethan, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Finally silence, but I can see the hurt look in his eyes. This is what I miss the most about being at Brian's. We didn't have to fill every quiet moment with conversation or meaningless chatter. There was no playing 810 questions every five minutes. "Look Ethan, I just need some time to myself."

"I would have thought that you had gotten that last night. Unless you weren't by yourself?"

I stare at him and he looks down, knowing that he isn't going to get a confirmation or denial from me. I picked up a lot from living with, and loving Brian Kinney. And how to answer questions without actually answering was one of those skills.

"Fine, Justin. Well... I was thinking that since I'm missing one class today, I might as well miss all of them so that we can spend the day together."

"Ethan, I just said that I need time to myself."

"I know, Baby." I cringe at the endearment, which has obviously has gone unnoticed as he continues speaking, "And I promise not to be a bother. I just want to be where you are. I missed you last night. And then this morning when I woke up, you still weren't here."

He moved to grab me around the waist. I let him, but I still say, "Ethan, go to class. You really can't afford to miss a day. You have auditions coming up to travel with the Harrisburg Philharmonic. You would never forgive yourself if you don't make it because you didn't take every opportunity to practice."

At the mention of the HP, I could see that I finally broke through this round of clingy Eeyore... I mean Ethan. Fucking Brian! Anyway, I know that it won't be long before he is gathering his things and making his way out the door, so I resume packing my own supplies.

"Will you be here tonight for dinner?"

What he really means is will I be cooking dinner. I know that was part of the problem with my sudden disappearance last night, and again this morning. Cooking used to be a joy for me, but now it's become a chore. "I honestly don't know. I plan to go to the studio later, so there's no telling how long I'll be."

I can hear the resignation in his voice when he says, "Oh, okay. Well call me and let me know. I love you, Justin."

I stay silent as I watch him move to where his violin and bag containing his sheet music is. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief as he closes the door behind him. I put everything that I intend taking on the couch, and hurry down the hall to grab a quick shower. I couldn't help but notice all of the marks that Brian had left on me, nor could I quell the pride I felt in the sting the soap caused while washing myself. God, I am quite literally a glutton for punishment.

But even as I stand here under this moderately hot spray of water, I can't stop thinking about last night- all of the joys, sorrows, defeats and triumphs of it. My ass is pleasantly sore and with every move I make, I can still feel Brian deep within me. I know that I have to make some decisions, but one is already made for me, whether I want it to be or not. I know that I said that Brian and I can't happen again, but after last night, all I know is that I can't do without him.