CHAPTER 47: BARELY BREATHING

Barely breathing by Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear, I only taste the saline, When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going, Wishing on a star, The black holes that surround you, Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion, So completely torn, Must have been that yesterday, Was the day that I was born, There's not much to examine, There's nothing left to hide, You really can't be serious, If you have to ask me why, I say goodbye

Everyone keeps asking, What's it all about?, I used to be so certain, Now I can't figure out, What is this attraction?, I only feel the pain, There's nothing left to reason, And only you to blame, Will it ever change?

I've come to find, I may never know, Your changing mind, Is it friend or foe?, I rise above or sink below

With every time, You come and go, Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing, And I can't find the air, Don't know who I'm kidding, Imagining you care, And I could stand here waiting, A fool for another day, But I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price, That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah, But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway, Well, I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear

BRIAN

Today is one of those days when I would love nothing better than to just stay in bed with Justin, dreaming of all the possibilities that our future can hold. But with the birth of our children yesterday, I can’t afford to put this confrontation off. I need more than closure; I need my relationship with Joan Kinney severed. Irrevocably. Permanently. 

Now, I know to some that may sound harsh. And that may be the case, but too much has happened… too much to simply forgive and forget. I may be able to move past everything over time, but offer Joan absolution? No. That’s not my job.

“You okay?” Justin asks me, as he turns over to look at me.

“No. But it doesn’t change what has to happen, does it?”

“Not really, but we could stay here in bed. I can’t think of any other place I would rather be, all wrapped up in our own little cocoon. Well, other than at the hospital with our son and daughter, getting to know them. We don’t have to do this today if you don’t want to, Brian.”

“Yes, I do. I can’t make the decision for Claire, but as for me… I need to close this door, Sunshine. Not only for my sake, but for Gus… for us. And yes, even for Claire and her future too, because she won’t have one as long as Joan is still able to browbeat me all in the name of loyalty."

“Why do you think that?”

“Because it’s always been that way. Strangely- or maybe not so much- the fact is that Claire was emotionally abused because she had to watch me be physically battered. It’s taken a while for me to understand how that could have happened. But with the revelations of the past few months, and now with Brandon arriving here in Pittsburgh, it makes sense in a lot of ways.”

“You’re speaking of your lack of control and power in the situation?”

“Not only mine… but Claire’s, too.” I sigh. “Sunshine, the only way that I know to describe it is by taking an in-depth look at what happened after Claire and I grew up. Whereas she did everything that was expected of her, including basically turning into Joan’s clone for a time, I got out and kept going until I was as far removed from the Kinney curse as possible. I have to wonder when Claire stopped fighting for herself. She used to do it all the time, you know? So when was it that she stopped fighting back? And why?”

“I would imagine seeing you being abused for doing nothing more than just being the kid you were would have acted as the biggest deterrent.”

“Exactly. But it also kept her from speaking what she knew in reference to my birth. I suppose that was Joan’s big plan all along; keep me and Claire subjugated by any means necessary, even if it meant using Jack’s fists on me to do it. There’s no telling what other threats were hurled at her by Joan, while Jack was dealing with me. It was always so easy to see her inaction as indifference, instead of fear. But it’s also the reason I have to be done with Joan as soon as possible, because she’ll just find another way to keep me tied to her otherwise.”

“Not Claire?”

“No. Claire was her own manner of protection and subterfuge where Joan was concerned. She still is, in a way, because Claire’s continued presence in Joan’s world gives the illusion that she was an example of the perfect wife and martyr. With Claire’s defection, Joanie loses that image.”

"From all you, and later Claire, have told me, I suppose that’s all too true, But you've waited this long to cut ties to Joan Kinney, so what's one more day or even hundreds of them?"

"It's just that… I can't explain it, Sunshine. It’s almost like suffocating; like taking small sips of air in a windowless room just for the sake of saying you continue to exist. Somehow, I just know if I don't do this now, I might not get another chance again."

Justin nods at me, before laying his head back on my chest. I think he’s beginning to understand the urgency I’m feeling just to have this done and over with. "Then it's what WE will do, TOGETHER, Brian, so you can finally have the peace and closure you need."

Justin and I laid there in silence for a few more moments before getting up and heading to the shower. Once in there, he blows my mind with one of his infamous blowjobs, before piecing me back together with a series of restorative kisses, and whispers of everything he loves about me. Even without clearly saying the words I love you, they are there in his eyes, in his touch, in his kiss. No matter where we were in our relationship, it was those things that were ultimately my lifeline in so many ways, whether I acknowledged them or not.

See, that’s the thing about Justin no one knows, or could match at any rate. Instead of reminding me that I am Brian fucking Kinney, he reminds me that it’s alright for me to be human. Not a myth; not a legend of any kind, but a man with his own fears and insecurities. And it’s his uncanny ability to clearly see through the bullshit of my small town fame, down to the person that only a few people are at last coming to know and respect. His surety in who I am, and who I’m growing to be, makes me feel as though I can conquer anything. Beginning with the she-wolf who birthed me.

As I come out of the bathroom, I look at him standing by the closet with his head cocked to the side and his eyebrow raised. “What are you doing?”

“Choosing armor.”

“Armor? There are no knights in the closet, Sunshine,” I say, smirking. But even before he answers, I remember what it is he’s always thought about me. “Ah, your theory about my suits?”

“Exactly, Bri. When going into battle, you have to dress the part. You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, right? So when doing battle with a battleaxe, who believes she has the upperhand with you, your clothes should scream of just how fucking wrong she is, even before your words do.”

That said, he takes out one of my favorite suits, eyeing it skeptically at first. Gently laying it on the bed, he goes back into the closet. I can’t help but wonder where his mind will end up while going off on these tangents of color and material. “What’s up, Sunshine?”

He turns back towards the bed, dropping the satin shirt and tie set on the bed, before answering my question. “You know, Brian, there is a science to color choices.”

“So you’ve said a million and one times, but what does that have to do with this?”

“Considering our talk before we got out of bed, and then what you unspokenly revealed to me in the shower, I think we need to also choose how we are going into this situation.”

“Okay, Yoda. You are talking in riddles,” I quip, frowning. It’s always an interesting, and irritating, project to understand just how the little twat’s mind works, especially when he’s thinking strategically. In a lot of ways, it’s why he always seems to fly under the radar.

“I’m not talking in riddles,” he answers me calmly, even though there’s a slight note of exasperation in his voice. Then he looks at me questioningly. “Tell me, Brian, what are you planning on wearing today?”

I shrug. “My standard black suit since I have to go into the office for a few hours this afternoon.”

“Oh, you mean the chronic look of an undertaker.”

I scoff at him. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean, since you’re always ready to jump my bones when I wear it…”

“Correction! I’m always ready to jump your bones despite what you’re wearing.” He smirks salaciously at me, while running his eyes languidly up my body before continuing. “Admittedly, one of your numerous black suits always serves you well, no matter the circumstance. But I have a different idea in mind.”

“What?”

“Do you trust me?”

I look at him, with his deceptively innocent countenance, knowing that if I answer wrong it could mean the difference between getting laid by Justin, or fucked to within an inch of my life by Sunshine Supernova. Both are extremely capable of bringing me to an incoherent state of mindless babbling before, during, and after postcoital bliss. However, today, I prefer the latter since when Justin is in that mode, he not only obliterates my ability to talk, but stops my mind from registering any and all emotions except those of pleasure for at least a full twenty-four hours. I have a feeling I will need that special level of disconnect later this evening. So I answer him, “With all that I am and have.”

He crosses over to me, placing a gentle kiss on my lips before backing away out of my arms, which had moved to snake around his waist of their own volition. “Good, then you’ll wear what I picked out for you.”

“Sunshine…”

“No, Brian, hear me out. Colors often convey subliminal messages. In this case, we not only want to display power and confidence but optimism and a resoluteness that no matter what Joan thinks to try next, she will NOT succeed. So the marigold color suit with the monochromatic shirt and tie will do nicely.”

“Sunshine, I usually wear that suit with my brown turtleneck, and the bronze shirt and tie under my black suit.”

“Or under off-white,” Justin says softly, and I know exactly where his mind went back to. The night of what seems our long-ago first date, and afterwards was in a word- AMAZING. It’s not something either Justin or I will forget for a long time. He clears his throat to continue on, “The thing is Brian, that you need to reiterate the fact that you’re not only well-off, but you’re expensive as hell; that there’s nothing she could ever order or offer to return you to being her automatic whipping boy again. You’ve arrived at a place in your life that neither she nor Jack Kinney could have ever imagined, but would have- have done- everything in their powers to stop. Not for any other reason than because it showed just how inadequate they were as people existing in a life unlived. Their temper tantrums were exposed time and again as nothing more than parents to one of the most gifted people I have ever had the distinct pleasure of knowing. And doing this our way is going to drive home that point to Joan more than just mere words can do.”

I thought about what he said. The reason Justin and I worked so well is that we’ve always complimented each other. It’s never just about him or me; never about making one of us outshine the other. I used to think that Teamwork makes the dream work was just some old rhyming cliche that underachievers spouted to make themselves feel better about not having what it takes to achieve their individual goals. But when I think back to the times Justin and I worked together, I realize the reason we’ve been in sync so often is because we ultimately have the same goals. 

In this case, it’s to give me the freedom to be who I am and live my life in a way where I’m more than existing within everyone else’s expectations, including his… and even my own. “Our way, hmm?”

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Doing everything that’s expected of us takes no courage at all. If it did then I would have gone on to Dartmouth, despite the truth of what you said on the dancefloor of Babylon when that very wrong decision was almost made on my part. And only a couple of years later, you wouldn’t have ever come to L.A. to have a talk with me which was long overdue. In fact, we might never have really known each other at all.”

“True,” I say as I bend down to kiss his lips. “So yeah, I see your point. Doing what we want, when we want is serving us well.”

“And it will continue to do so, Brian. The way I see it is that we only get this life. Hell, we know that better than most, don’t we? So it’s up to us to decide not only what we want to do with it, but more importantly who we want in it.”

Hearing that from his irresistible lips, just put it all into perspective for me. “What are you going to wear?”

“You’ll see.”

“But if you get to pick my suit, can I pick yours?”

Go for it… Stud,” he whispered the last, and I could feel myself getting hard. 

I know that if I don’t get us out of here, his earlier suggestion of staying in bed all day will fast become our reality. Deliberately rubbing my body against his, I move past to get to the closet. One of my guilty pleasures has always been to dress Justin. Some would assume that I have a ‘Ken’ fetish, but it’s not that. It’s wanting Justin to be regarded- to be admired- for the powerful man he truly is. 

Yes, sometimes clothing can make a man. I would never negate that saying, having seen what the power of a good suit can do to a person’s self-worth. But in Justin’s case when he chooses to dress to the nines, his clothing often looks as if it was made for him. It’s that kind of vibe I want him to give off in Joan’s presence today. So after shifting the items around a bit, like I was trolling through racks in a department store, I came across exactly what I wanted.

I smile into his slightly-widened eyes, saying, “I know I often use this to tie you up with, but I think we can come up with an equally scintillating and titillating use for it today.” 

Justin’s nostrils flares slightly, and I know where his mind went. Indeed, I will be using this same tie later… or better yet, he will. But I almost laugh aloud when he says, “Funny, but I thought you would have chosen the copper so that I could wear the indigo suit.”

“No,” I say simply. “The very last thing I need to be reminded of when dealing with Joan is how sensual you are.”

He smiles at me. “Ah, so you think I’m sensual, do you?”

“Stop fishing for compliments, Sunshine,” I snicker before sobering quickly. “But yes, I do. Every moment that you are breathing. Although I know I’ll already be half hard with you standing next to me, Joan doesn’t need to know just what it is you do to me in the process.”

“So, which suit? The gray or the chocolate?”

I pick up the tie from the bed, where I’d placed it, letting it run through my fingers as I caress the silk. I can feel, as well as hear, Sunshine’s sharp inhale as I wrap it around my hand. His pupils are beginning to dilate as I continue toying with the supple fabric. As his teeth begin to molest his plump bottom lip, I make the decision. “The brown. The suit itself is elegant, stable, sophisticated… But most of all, combined with the tie, kerchief and cufflinks, it’s going to serve as a very physical reminder of what’s going to happen later tonight for both of us.”

“Oh? And what’s that?” He smirks and I know he’s playing with me.

“Supernova,” I whisper, before leaning forward and attacking his lips to give him just the barest of taste of what I expect to receive at his hands. 

Justin doesn’t waste any time responding in kind, as evidenced by the fact that I’m literally caught between his hot body plastered against the front of me with the coolness of the wall to the left of the closet at my back. With every swipe of his tongue across mine, I could tell that he’d been thinking about all the ways he was going to fuck my brains out since we’d first entered the shower. Even though he’d given me what I needed in the form of physical relief, he wouldn’t take anything from me for himself… At least, not then. But with the promise of ‘later’ looming, Justin has decided to lay the preliminary foundation of the prolonged foreplay he and I would be experiencing all day, even beyond the meeting with Joan. 

Abruptly ending the kiss, but still holding me up against the wall so that my weakened knees don’t buckle, Justin’s lips ghost mine briefly before he says, “Well, I guess we’d better get dressed then. The sooner we get finished with all the day’s bullshit, the sooner I can wrap my lips around this nice, big boner again. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

I could only nod, even as he moved away from me to begin doing as he suggested. But before he donned his underwear, Justin bent over, not only showing me my own personal version of Heaven, but what would also become a version of hell for me as the day went on. Dangling the jewel-tipped buttplug in his hand before lubing it, Justin made a great show of stretching himself, before inserting the offending object. Watching it disappear into his depths, I wanted nothing more than to pull it out and replace it with my dick. I don’t think I’ve EVER felt so envious of an inanimate object in my life!

“Come on, Brian. Time’s a-wastin’," he singsongs. "We have people to see and each other to do. You wouldn’t want me to have to cum all by myself, now would you?”

“Sunshine…”

“Get dressed,” he ordered softly, once again letting out the barest of moans as he bent over to pull on his trousers.

I swallow hard and begin to do what he says. He’s right. The faster we get this all done, the sooner Justin and I can resume our lives in the manner we want to live it. And that’s going to begin with me fucking him into the mattress, and on the floor, and over the couch… hell, every fucking available surface within this place! And then I’m going to take him up on the roof, and fuck him some more. I wonder… “Justin, what have you done?”

“Nothing that you wouldn’t have done yourself. Now get dressed, and we’ll talk about it later,” he says, as he dons his shirt but then turns abruptly back to me. “Oh, and can you hold this for me?”

Before I could see or even ask what it is, Justin trembles against me, letting out another moan followed by a whimper. “Sunshine?”

“It’s okay, Brian. Just know that you have to remain in control at all times,” he says, pointedly looking at my hand. I open my fisted palm, and look down, only to shake my head at the twat. He smiles, and whispers against my lips, “I had it upgraded. So put the ring on, and remember that whatever you do to me while it’s on, is going to be done back to you later tonight.”

“Sunshine, why?”

“Consider it an additional aid in helping you keep your temper in check. We both know how Joan can push all your buttons. This way, you have to control yourself, or run the risk of making me cum in my pants and ruin the fun for both of us later.”

I smirked and pressed the button again. I chuckled aloud hearing the corresponding moan and whimper. “Will you be able to hold out all day?”

He smiles at me again, coming down off of his brief euphoric high. “I should be able to. After all, I learned all about orgasm denial from the Master, and have even managed to surpass him a few times.”

“Is that so?”

“Indeed it is. And don’t forget Brian, that just as I’ve been an excellent student, I’ve become a master in my own right. You should remember that well. But anyway, I think the latest addition to the Brian Kinney Operating Manual on Diversionary Tactics is now well covered, don’t you think?” 

I can’t help but marvel at the man who I’ve chosen to be my life-partner. Only Justin Cole Taylor-Kinney could ever be so bold, enterprising, and outright hedonistic to even suggest this. Not only that, but his trust in me not to literally abuse his ass with this particular toy is astounding. It’s also a true testament to how far we’ve come over the last few months, especially since Carnivale. In this very subtle, VERY sexual way, he’s reminding me that I hold all the power over my reactions, not Joan Kinney or anyone else. I’ll certainly have to find many creative ways to thank him for this particular lesson later…

 But for now, yeah I’m going to have loads of fun learning about all the modifications Justin made to the very first toy I’d ever bought him. And yes, I’m looking forward to paying very dearly for it later.