May 2002

“Ethan, we need the money. And it’s not like I’m going to go and see him anyway, I mean he’s a Partner now, and besides he never goes down to the art department anyway,” I try to explain to Ethan. I can’t help it. I know that we have been having problems… hell there is no denying that even if I wanted to. The bruises I now have prove to me that we are in serious trouble – that I am in serious trouble. But I know that part of the problem is money. We don’t have enough. I want to make him happy, to not be angry all the time, and this is my chance. I almost didn’t tell him, but that option was taken away with the phone call from the admissions office saying that I had gotten the job.

I try to explain to Ethan that it will be good money and he can concentrate on his music more instead of worrying about the money. I had hoped that it would work. I want him to understand that I’m not doing this to hurt him… I want to help him… help us. Ethan walks up to me and force myself not to react, not to pull back.

“Sweetheart, tell me honestly, do you think that working for that asshole would be worth the money that you would get?”

I feel his arms wrap around me and I take a deep breath to try and calm my nerves – to try and relax. I haven’t felt safe in his arms in so long. Since the first time he had hit me. I can still remember that clearly, it’s so vivid in my mind. The next day he apologized, brought roses, made my favorite meal…everything was perfect. I had wanted to believe him, wanted to take comfort in the fact that he would never do it again. I was so wrong. I know that he’s under a lot of stress, with the money; with the contest… all I can do is try and make sure that he is less stressed. I don’t want to make him upset, so I will do anything to make it right.

Okay don’t get me wrong… Ethan is not a bad guy. He loves me, I know he does. He’s just under a lot of stress and when things are calm it’s perfect…we’re perfect. It makes me realize that we were meant to be. That this is what I wanted. But when he’s stressed… the look in his eyes. I get scared. Really fucking scared. I will do anything I need to do to make that look in his eyes go away… things that I never thought I would do in my life. Never.

I turn in his arms and wrap mine around his waist. “Ethan… I promise you, nothing will happen. Brian doesn’t come down to the art department, and I won’t go out of my way to see him. I haven’t seen him or anyone that he knows in months. Why would I start now? That part of my life is over. I want you, and only you. If we run into each other once, so what? I don’t want him.” I explain to him. Of course that is all one big fat lie. I do want Brian… I always will. And I have seen Ben, but that’s one thing that I don’t want Ethan to know. Ben has been the only one who has tried to contact me… and I had to see him. I just had to. I just don’t want Ethan to get angry and think that I’d do something that I have no intention of doing. Brian doesn’t want me… he never loved me. I heard him tell Lindsey that once while I was trying to see Gus. That was the last time I had seen anyone other than Vic.

I realized that day that I would never again be welcome into that family… into Brian’s life. I had made my bed and now it was time to just grin and bear it. There is no going back.
 
February 2003

“I’m not really sure why it all started, what I did wrong. Why I left Brian for Ethan? I guess I wanted something more than what I had. I thought that Brian never loved me, that… Ethan said all the right things. I guess I didn’t know that when I had left that night that I would’ve left everything behind.”

“Justin, do you believe that Brian loved you,” the young woman said as she sat behind her desk. She had her tape recorder going and pen gliding over the paper in front of her taking notes. She was observing everything that Justin did, every expression he had, analyzing every word he said.

Justin shrugged, not quite sure how to answer the question. “I don’t know… I know he cared about me… there is no way that he couldn’t. I mean all the things he did for me. See Brian doesn’t believe in love, he never did. He believed in fucking. I thought I could change him… I thought that I could make him loveme.”

“You can’t make people love you, Justin. That’s not the way love works. I think you found that out with Ethan. Tell me about the when you left Brian. What did Ethan offer you that you felt you couldn’t get from Brian,” she asked him.

Justin sat back in his chair and looked up at her. “Karen, we’ve been over that. Brian couldn’t love me… he … he wouldn’t love me. He told me himself. Ethan… Ethan said and did everything that I wanted to hear. Everything that I thought I wanted. God, I was so stupid. I fell for it, and now… now what do I have? Nothing. My friends are gone… I can’t go home. Brian… school. I’ve been running since that day, and I can’t go back. If I go out there, he’ll find me. He’ll find me and … and …”

“Do you think that Ethan would kill you?”

“He told me that If I wasn’t with him, I wouldn’t be with anyone else. He said that I was going to be with him forever. He wouldn’t let anyone else near me. So yes… I think he would killme.”

“Why didn’t you go to the police, Justin? Your family? Someone?”

“I’m here aren’t I? I’m seeing you. You know what happened.” Justin stood and walked over to the window and stared out at the Pittsburgh Skyline. He had literally dropped off the face of the earth as far as everyone else was concerned. He had not talked to anyone from his past… just packed up and went deep into the bowls of the city. Hiding from the one person who said they loved him… the one person who had sworn would always have him. How could he face everyone after what he had done… what he had allowed to happen to him? He couldn’t even look himself in the eye anymore. He lived on the streets, living day to day… seeing this counselor as often as their schedules allowed. He was grateful that the halfway house had her on their roster… if not then Justin wasn’t sure what would happen to him. “See I know the cops… they didn’t do anything when Chris bashed me. So why would they care about two fags beating each other up? They don’t care about us… they’d rather see us all dead.”

“What about your family?”

“I can’t. They can’t know. As far as they know… I’m in Bum FuckEgypt. Probably better off with them not knowing. Ethan would keep track of them… see if they had seen me. No it’s better if they never know.” Justin turned from the window to look the woman in the eye “Never.”

September 2002

I sit in the corner of the small, dirty bathroom curled up in a small ball, hoping to get away from my assailant. There was blood everywhere, and I’m sure if I could gather the strength needed to make it to the door, and out of the small apartment. Not to mention all of my clothes were still in the bedroom, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get there, dressed, and out in enough time. Silently I wished I had brought his cell phone in with me when I had made a run for the bathroom, but I knew it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I was never going to get out of here. At least not in the same condition I had came here in.

I wonder briefly why I had put myself in this position to begin with. Why did I leave the safety of my old life to start on this path? I know way – false promises and false words had lead me down this path. That along with my sudden doubts had lead me down this path of destruction. I could never go back. Not now, not anymore. I was unclean, dirty, and what was left of my innocence is forever gone. The one person I thought cared for me raped me, and now . . . now I knew that my life would certainly end. I had seen the look in the other man’s eyes, the look of pure hatred, of pure evil. I think that he might actually follow through with his plan to kill me.

The door to the bathroom slammed open, and I resign myself to the fate that will be dealt to me. Looking up at the other man, I thought about happier times. The loft. Curled up in the arms of the man I loved, making love to him, letting everything else dissolve to nothingness. The feel of skin beneath my fingers, the feel of his love wrapped tightly around me as he thrusts in and out of my tight hole. The feeling of being complete.

February 2003

Doctor’s Notes and Transcript of appointment

Patient: Justin Taylor, 20, WM, Blue eyes, Blond hair, 5’8, 130 lbs. Currently living on the streets

Suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, with Suicidal tendencies. Bouts of anger, violence, and depression. Amnesia. Physical examination shows multiple bruises, and cuts across his body. Broken bones that had not fully healed.
History: Attacked by fellow student at High School Prom. Suffered brain injury from blunt trauma by a wooden bat. Motor skills on right side problem. Was in an abusive relationship, and is in fear for his life.

Doctor’s notes: Justin came to me while he spent time at the halfway house. Justin is a bright young man, who is suffering a great deal with many issues in his life. He was a victim of a gay bashing in May of 2001, and was in a coma for two weeks. After a month of extensive physical therapy, he was sent home to his mother’s house. Justin explained to me that he had tried on many occasions to see Brian (no last name given), the man who he had gone to the prom with. His mother had forbidden him to see Brian, but soon they were living together. Justin further explains that his relationship with Brian had a lot of problems, and he had ended up having an affair with another student at his school. In ending his relationship with Brian, Justin had been shut out of the lives of the people that he had felt were a second family to him. His relationship with the fellow student became abusive. Ethan (no last name given) had threatened Justin with death, if he were to leave him. Justin has stated that he was physically, mentally, and sexually abused throughout the relationship. He further explained that he had left in fear of his life. Currently Justin is living on the streets, and occasionally in the halfway house. He has had little or no contact with any of his old friends. I fear that Justin is doing illegal activities in order to survive here on the streets, but I have no solid confirmation on that belief.

Karen: What? What do you wish Justin?

Justin: I wish that I could go back. I wish that I could take back everything and start over. Be with Brian. I never should’ve left him.

Karen: From what I can tell, leaving Brian was what you thought was best.

Justin: And we all see how that turned out.

Karen: You said yourself that you were pretending. In the last year of your relationship, you were pretending … in effect lying to everyone. Is that what you want? You want to go back to hiding?

Justin (running his hands through his hair) : Yes… I mean no. I don’t know. Anything has to be better than this? Right? I gave up everything. I thought I was doing the right thing, and all I ended up with is nothing. I’m living on the streets, running from everything, scared that Ethan is going to find me and finish the job. I have no friends, no family, I don’t even have school anymore. I have nothing. What did I accomplish?

Karen: You’re here. That’s saying a lot. You realize that you need help, and most likely you have needed it all along. That’s saying something about you. Tell me, when did you start to feel lost?

Justin: I don’t know really. I knew all along that things didn’t feel right. I did things that I know that I never would’ve done before… before the Prom. But I was okay with that. Then there was this kid… he looked kinda like me I guess. Deb found him in a dumpster behind the diner, strangled. I knew him… sort of. I danced with him. I realized then that it could happen to any one of us. Brian waved it off, like it was nothing. I think that that’s when I started to realize that I couldn’t do it anymore. Then Michael came up with this idea for a comic book… a gay super hero of sorts. The first issue was going to be about Rage, the hero, saving a kid, JT from a gay bashing.

Karen: How did that make you feel?

Justin: I didn’t mind doing it, at least I didn’t think I did. I wanted to talk about it. I felt I needed to talk about it. After I got out of the hospital all I heard from everyone was ‘Don’t think about it’, ‘Forget it.’ I guess I figured that they didn’t want to be reminded of it. So I said I’d do the comic. Of course that was a disaster.

Karen: That’s when Brian became jealous of you and Michael?

Justin: Yeah. Michael and I fell asleep on the bed. Nothing happened, but Brian was drunk. He pissed all over my work. I was soo pissed at him for that.

Karen: Why?

Justin: I had worked hard on trying to get my hand back, my ability to draw back. When I saw what he’d done… it was like he had pissed on my achievement. Like he didn’t care.

Karen: There’s something else. What else made you mad?

Justin (standing and moving to the window) : It was like … like he had told me what he thought about what had happened. The bashing, the Prom, me. He didn’t care. I hated him for that. He had said he was sorry, and I said I had forgiven him… but I guess I never did.

Karen: Why did you run away? Why did you feel like you couldn’t go to your friends?

Justin: They weren’t my friends, Karen. They were Brian’s. When I left that night, I knew that I was turning my back on them. I had hoped that they would’ve been there for me. I guess I was wrong. They had all abandoned me, took Brian’s side.

Karen: You said that you worked with Brian for a while. What happened there?

Justin: I didn’t work with Brian. I worked at the same firm as him. (Justin walks over to the chair and sits down, entwining his fingers together.) We didn’t see much of each other. I kinda…well it would’ve been strange. I knew that if Brian saw me, he would know.

Karen: Know what?

Justin: What Ethan did to me. Thank god, Ben was there. He didn’t tell anyone, but I know he knew what was happening.

May 2002

“Justin, come on… You said you would take this class with me,” Daphne said as they walked toward one of the lecture halls at Carnegie Mellon. Justin had decided a couple months ago to take some of his electives at the other school, since PIFA didn’t really have a wide selection of the basic courses. “What’s the big deal?”

Justin walked beside Daphne as they made their way through the halls toward the large lecture hall. “You know why Daph. You know who’s the instructor on this class. How am I going to face him, any of them? I just don’t want to make any onemad.”

“Please, Justin. Who would be mad? Mr. Bruckner? Brian? So what? So you’re taking classes. Mr. Bruckner doesn’t seem like the type of person to give you bad grades because of what happened. You’re over-reacting,” she said as they walked into the room, and took their seats. “Besides, who cares? You have Ethan now… why care what they think?”

Justin just sat there looking down at his notebook in silence. He couldn’t tell her that he wasn’t afraid of Brian and Ben getting mad. He was more afraid of what he would face when he got home every night. What Ethan would do? Would Ethan think that he’s cheating on him, and fucking Brian behind his back? Things were hard enough with Ethan right now, that Justin didn’t want to cause any more problems. He didn’t want anger Ethan anymore than he already had.

Justin felt lucky that the bruises didn’t show that he could cover them up with his clothes. Luckily Ethan didn’t go for the places that would be hard to cover. For that Justin was actually grateful. How could he explain them all away if someone saw them? That he fell down and bruised himself? Despite the fact that he often bruised easily, Justin didn’t think that anyone would actually buy that. He felt ashamed as is for what he has allowed to happen to him… how could anyone want to be around him? How could anyone look him in the eye and respect him? He was a failure, pure and simple.

He had left Brian for the great romance, and he had failed. He had failed at making Ethan happy. Ethan was so kind and caring, and all Justin did was mess things up. He would be somewhere and forget to call Ethan letting the other man know where he was, or he would forget that Ethan didn’t like a lot of spices in his food. Things that Justin knew, but he would forget. How can he say that he’s a good boyfriend if he’s always messing up?

Justin pulled out his phone and dialed the familiar number, and waited for the line to pick up. Once he heard the voice on the other end he smiled. Ethan was in a good mood today, and Justin was pleased. He had done everything right lately and he didn’t want to screw things up now. “Hey, I just thought I’d let you know that I’m at class now. It should be starting soon… Yeah… yeah I know… How about we meet somewhere for lunch?…oh okay… no that’s cool. So I’ll see you when I get home then? … About 4 or so? … okay … yeah I love you too… bye.” Justin disconnected the phone and silently prayed that the buses would be on time today and he would be home before Ethan himself got out of class. He wanted to surprise his lover with a nice romantic picnic on the floor, and all of his favorite food.

February 2003

As I walk down the alleyway, I can only think about what my life used to be. How did my life get so fucked up in a year? Why did I ever let this happen to me? God, if Brian could see me now. What would he think? Would he even recognize me? I don’t think so… hell I don’t even recognize me anymore. I think one of the things I miss these past couple of months that I have been quote in hiding, is my friends. Yeah, so I didn’t have many friends, mainly just Daphne and Ben… maybe a couple that I had met when I was working at Vanguard, but I miss them all. I try not to think about Brian at all. Thinking about him saddens me to no end.

‘Have you thought about suicide?’ Karen asked me in our last meeting. How could I answer that without sounding crazy? The thing is… yes I have, but I never will. Why? Simple, really. I feel that this is what I deserve. I deserve all of this shit. How can I not? After what I did to Brian, and the rest of the guys? What I did to Ethan? A part of me still believes that if I had only been a better boyfriend then Ethan would never have hurt me… never have hit me. But I know deep down that there would’ve been nothing I could’ve done to prevent that from happening. Rationally I know that. But when was the last time I thought rationally?

It’s been a while.

Now why did I start seeing Karen? I’ve asked myself that question over and over again. I really don’t know. We just ran into each other one day, and she bought me lunch and we started talking. It’s become now an almost daily thing. Yeah, so I go to her office and it’s all ‘official’, but if you ask me if I think that I have a shrink, I would deny it. I don’t think I’m that fucked up that I need one.

Of course I also know that I’m lying to myself. If there was ever anyone who needed to have their head examined it was me. God, I’m so fucked up.

When we talk, I never give out full names. I don’t want her to try and contact anyone. I can’t have them find me. It’s better if I just stayed gone from their lives. It’s better than having Ethan find me again, and… who knows what he would do.

I reach a small garbage can, with the bright flame, that we use for heat, and pull my jacket tighter around my body. It’s almost funny… some of the things I think about out here. Things like trying to remember what it felt like to have a real shower… fresh change of clothes…just sitting around and doing nothing in a nice warm place. Not having to worry where I’m going to get my next meal… or what I can use to cover up with when it’s raining or snowing. The simple things that I took for granted.

It’s all just silly now… stupid almost. Thinking and wanting things that I never will have again. I will never be able to draw another picture… unless I can find a clean piece of paper in the trash and a pencil… how can I even think about drawing now? I wonder what everyone is doing… if they even know I’m gone. If they wonder where I’m at, and worry about how I’m doing. See stupid… but out here you tend to think about things more than you ever did before.

Like my relationship with Brian. I know that it wasn’t Brian’s fault that things got fucked up. No… that is all on me. I was the one who demanded too much. I was the one who had asked him to go against everything he believed in. I was the one who had barged into his life. I was the one who broke all the rules. Not Brian. Now I’m not saying that Brian’s a saint, because he’s not. No way in hell he’s not, but he’s better than me.

Hell Chris fuckingHobbs is better than me right now.

I see something out of the corner of my eye, and I know I must be seeing things. I’ve had moments where I swear up and down I see him, but I get disappointed when it isn’t him. Why do I keep doing that… seeing things that aren’t there? Just when I finally convince myself that I’m actually imagining the whole thing, I see it again… this time it looks like two people. Turning I look down toward the end of the small enclove hoping to convince myself that it’s all in my mind.

But it’s not. It’s really them… Ben and Brian.

I can’t move, as I see them walking down toward me. I can’t even think of anything beyond the fact that it’s Brian… he’s here! Once I’m able to clear my head, I quickly turn and start running. I have to get away! They can’t find me. If they found me than Ethan could be right behind them. No, I have to go before they see me.

“Justin!” Fuck! Run… run as quickly as you can,Taylor.

I feel something grab my arms and I don’t even dare look. “Let go…Let me go,” I yell trying to free my arm. But the grip is too strong. I’m stuck.

“Justin… Justin quit it. I’m not going to hurt you,” I hear Brian tell me. “Now, if I let go are you going to run?” I can’t answer him because if I said no it would be a lie, because I want to leave. I want to disappear. I’m not ready to see him again “Fine. Justin… look… let’s just go somewhere and talk. Okay? That’s all just talk.”

I turn to face him, and I try to quickly get rid of all the thoughts of him from my mind. Thoughts of how beautiful Brian was… thoughts of how warm my arm feels where Brian’s hand is located. Thoughts of how good it would feel to be held in the older man’s arms, to kiss him, to make love to him. No! I can’t think like that. I can’t get lost in his hazel eyes again. It’s safer if I just run away. But how can I get away is the question. How can I disappear now? Brian knows where I am now… at least basically. He won’t stop until he finds me again. I know him. Taking a deep breath, I figure that I have nothing really to lose in talking to him. I don’t have to tell him anything, and I can always leave. “Okay,” I tell him, hoping beyond hope that I have the strength to survive this lunch.

Brian only nods as he leads me toward a car that is parked at the end of the alley. Once I get in, and the door is shut I watch as he quickly says something to Ben, then heads over to the driver’s side. I don’t even ask why ben isn’t coming with us, cause I don’t know if I want to hear the answer. How did they find me is the biggest question I have. I thought I had been careful, and not let anyone see me. I guess I was wrong. But I learned that I wasn’t as careful as I thought I was.

We pulled up to a small diner down the street… not the normal place that I would see Brian at, since it often catered to those of us without a lot of money, but then again, it’s not like I’m dressed to go anywhere else. I step out of his car, and wait until he comes around the front. He points toward the door of the diner and I slowly walk into the small place. Brian doesn’t try to touch me again, which I am grateful. I don’t know what he wants to talk about, but I can only hope that I’m ready for whatever it is. Please, please, please, let me come out of this intact. That’s all I wish for.

We sit in a booth in the back of the place, and I try not to see the looks of disgust that are being aimed at me. I mean you look at Brian and I right now… he’s dressed in his finest Armani suit… while I’m wearing the same clothes I had on when I had left Ethan back in September. I bet we look like a pair… the rich guy feeling sorry for the poor bum, the run away. The waitress comes up to us, and smiles brightly at Brian. I know immediately what she’s thinking since he has that way with people. Everyone wants to fuck Brian…straight or gay. He orders a cup of coffee and looks at me to see what I want. I look right at the waitress and shake my head. “I’m good.”

“He’ll have a coke, and we’ll both have the lunch special,” he says. I try not to get angry at him, cause truth be known, I am hungry. I don’t even remember the last time I actually ate anything. But I’m almost afraid that if I eat anything here, I’ll only puke it back up. Once again, Brian to save the day. Will there ever be a time when I don’t have to rely on him… when he doesn’t have to come to the rescue?

I look right at him and shake my head. “I don’t have the money to pay for it. I’m fine,” I tell him. Not that he’ll listen to me of course… he’s never really been good at that. No Brian has always done what Brian wanted… and right now he feels he needs to protect me… to feed me.

“Just shut up and eat. You look like a fucking toothpick.” I glare at him, letting him know that his comment was not welcome. Once the waitress brought us our drinks, we were left alone. I have no idea what to say to him, and it’s uncomfortable. How do I handle this? Why am I here? My only wish is that he feels half as uncomfortable as I do. I want him to feel just a fraction of what I am right now. We sit silently for a couple of minutes, and I know he’s just dying to ask. Did Ben tell him what had happened? I wish I knew, at least I’d be prepared. “What happened Justin?”

I look up at him and quickly look away. I can’t tell him that I’m a failure… that I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. That I had failed -- him and myself. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it Brian.”

“Don’t worry about it? Nothing? Jesus Justin,” Brian said trying to keep his voice down, but I can hear the anger behind his words.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry,” I tell him hoping beyond hope that he’ll just drop it all and we can just forget we ever saw each other. That he’ll move on and forget he ever knew me.

“You’re living on the streets. How the HELL can you say that you’re fine? Why didn’t you come to one of us? Why aren’t you at your mom’s… Deb’s… hell you could’ve come to me,” he said. And in part I guess I know he’s right. But what does he expect me to do, to say? I don’t know what to tell him, so I just keep quiet. Brian reaches out and takes my hand into his own. I try to pull it away, but once again his grip is tight. He’s not letting go. “Justin… when was the last time you ate? When was the last time you were able to sleep? Talk tome.”

“And say what, Brian? What do you want to hear? That I fucked up… that I had no where I could’ve gone? I don’t need you to try and fix things. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. You can’t do anything to fix this,” I tell him. I try not to let my anger show, but it’s hard. Just being here with him is bringing back all my doubts and that sickness in my stomach at the knowledge of my failure. How can he even sit there and look at me? “You don’t know anything, Brian. You don’t know what’s been going on… and I don’t need you to try to come here and tell me what I’ve done wrong, and what I should’ve done. You don’t know.”

“Then tell me,” he said quietly. His thumb is lightly running across my knuckles trying to calm me… just like he always used to do. “Tell me what’s going on.”

I look down at our hands, hoping to think of a way out of this. I can’t lie to him… not since that one time. That time I lied to him about… about Ethan. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t. So it’s better if I just not say anything at all. “I can’t.”

“Then come home. Come back home with me and we can work this out, Justin. We can work through whatever it is that you’re going through.”

I pull my hand out of his and sit back in the booth. “No!” I can’t do that… I can’t go back there.

“Justin,” he tries as he reaches for me again.

I pull away more trying to get as far away from him as I can in the confines of the booth. Don’t touch me Brian. Please don’t. “Don’t try to be nice, Brian. I’m not going back… and even if I said okay… where the hell would I go? My mom’s? Deb’s? Where? I have no where for me to go there. I’m better off here.”

“Brian don’t okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, or at least I will be. Just forget that you ever saw me and go on with your life. What I do, or don’t do is of no concern of yours anymore. I have to face up to what I’ve done, and I’m doing that,” I tell him. Immediately I regret even opening my mouth. I know he’s going to question it, and I gave too much information out. I didn’t want him to know any of that. Fuck!

“What you’ve done? What the fuck does that mean,” he asked with a slightly raised voice.

“Brian please.”

“Justin,” he began. Thankfully before he could get any farther the waitress came back and we just sat there eating with no words said between us.

*~*~*~*~*

I can’t fucking believe this. I can’t believe that I fell for his lie. After we ate, I was ready to walk back to my little hole, but Brian said that he would drive me down there since it was a ways down. Stupid me, I said sure. Fuck! How in the hell do I do these things to myself? Instead of following through with my plan and walking away from this, I’m sitting in his car heading I have no doubt to the loft. Fuck! Great job, Justin. Just fucking great. What other trick can you do? I only hope that once we get there that I will have time to make a run for it. I don’t want to be here. I don’t deserve to be here. But Damn Brian Kinney always gets what he wants.

When he starts to pull up to the loft, I go ahead and start to undo my seat belt. Unfortunately by the time I have it undone, and my door open, the car has stopped, and Brian is already by my door waiting for me. He opens the door and holds onto my arm, making sure that I don’t turn and run away. I am soo stuck. I can’t get away from him now. Why is my life a living hell? Why do I allow these things happen to me? I am so fucked.

When we reach the loft, he opens the door and pushes me in, locking it behind us. All I can do is move away from him and stand in the middle of the large room… hoping that he won’t do anything, cause I don’t know if I’d be able to resist. He has no clue how hard it is to stand here, with him so close. He’s all I thought about for the past year. What it would be like to be with him again… to sleep with him, and have him hold me close to him? But that’s all a dream. He could never love me… especially not now. Not after all the things I’ve allowed to happen. I hurt him, I betrayed him… I let Ethan… no don’t think about that.

Ethan… Fuck! I have to get out of here. I know he’s most likely watching this place. If he saw us come in here. Oh god… what have I done?

“Why don’t you take a shower, I’m sure you haven’t had warm water in a while,” he jokes pulling me out of my thoughts. “You left some of your clothes here, so I’ll just leave them out of you. Go on… You’ll feel better. Then we’ll work something out,” Brian says.

A part of me is offended that he thinks I need a shower. Okay, so I do… I must really stink, and I know it’s been a long time unfortunately. But does he have to rub it in? I head up to the bathroom, trying my hardest to NOT look at the bed.

I step into the bathroom, close the door and start shedding my clothes. I keep asking myself why am I here? Why did I allow Brian to bring me here? I know when Brian sets his mind on something I have no way of stopping him, but there had to have been a way to get around this. There just had to be. I can’t believe that after all this time… after everything that I have been through, I can still just blindly follow Brian. And it’s true. Everything that I did leading up to Ethan, I know that I had done just to be with Brian. Everything. Was that right of me? No… but what’s a guy to do? What’s a guy to do when the person they love can’t love you back… or as Brian said won’t -- actually the fact that he won’t… that’s the worse. It’s worse than if he couldn’t. Saying he won’t means that he can love me, he just decided he didn’t want to.

So again I ask what does that say about me?

I step into the hot spray of the shower, and take a deep breathe. I had forgotten what it felt like – the heat beating against my skin, the feeling of the soap gliding across my body. Of course being in this place, the memories of the times I had shared with Brian come crashing in on me, and I try to keep my knees from buckling. Closing my eyes, I try to shake the feeling – the need I have burning within me. I jump when I feel hands on my back. Quickly I start to turn around to face Brian… not that I really want to in all honesty, but I don’t deserve to have him touch me. I don’t think that I can handle that. “Easy, I’m not going to hurt you,” he laughs slightly stopping me from turning toward him “Thought you might need some help.”

I feel his hands glide across my back slowly running the soap in circles over my skin. His hands heat my skin, and I feel an automatic response to him deep within me. My cock starts to harden, and my body starts to relax under his skilled hands. I want soo much for him to take me… to be inside me at that moment that I don’t know how much longer I can stand it. I don’t know if I could stand it if he said no, or he stopped what he was doing. Brian’s hands slowly glide down my body toward my already hardened cock, and I feel his long fingers wrap around it, stroking it.

“Don’t,” I yell pulling away and backing into the corner of the shower. I sink down to the floor and try to catch my breath. I feel Brian bend down next to me, and his hand start to reach out to touch me, but he pulls back before he reaches my skin. “Don’t. Please don’t,” I whisper.

“It’s okay…I’m sorry… It’ll be okay,” I hear him quietly saying over and over again. I don’t want to feel… I shouldn’t be here. God, why do I do this to myself? Why am I hurting Brian like this? Why can’t I be stronger?

Quickly I step out of the shower and pull on the clothes that Brian had left for me. I have to think… just think. I can’t be this close to him right now. If I stayed in that room… if I stay here, I know I’ll do something that I’ll regret. I can’t do that to him again… I can’t be what he wants me to be. I’m not strong, I’m not smart… hell if I was half of the things that he thinks I am then I would’ve never been with Ethan, I never would’ve… no! I have to stop that. God! Why are things so fucked up? Why do I do these things to myself? Why can’t I just go back to the way things were?

Simple Justin, you fucking twat… you fell for a line of bullshit. You thought that you could get what all those fairy tales said you could have. You’re a fucking idiot.

May 2002

Justin walked into Vanguard and headed straight toward the lower levels of the large building. Today was the beginning of his second week there, and so far everything was going good. He hadn’t seen Brian at all, and for that he was grateful. He didn’t think that he could stand to see Brian, not after everything that had happened. He couldn’t stand to see the hate in the other man’s eyes.

Justin was, however, more afraid that if Brian saw him the other man would know what he had allowed to become of him… that he had let Ethan hurt him. No, Brian will never know. And it’s not like he would care anyway, right? I mean I left him. Justin closed his eyes briefly, giving the same silent prayer that he did every morning, that he NOT run into his former lover.

Stepping off of the elevator, he made his way straight over to his small cubical, and started to work on his assignment. The people he worked with in the department were great, and Justin could see himself doing this for a real living. Everyone was real laid back, and easy-going. They were a family down here. Justin felt needed and wanted for the first time in months. He hoped that he never had to leave this place, and if it wasn’t for Brian working here, Justin would be content to stay after his internship was over.

As the day progressed, Justin began to lose himself in his work, not really paying attention to anything going on around him. He allowed himself to forget everything that had happened to him in the past couple of years… the past couple of months. Letting his art, his passion take over his being. He didn’t want to think, so he allowed himself to just get lost in his creation. “What the fuck are you doing here,” said a voice behind Justin snapping him out of the spell he had put himself in.

Turning around quickly he saw the one person that he had hoped he wouldn’t have to see. Shaking his head slightly, Justin thought about his answer. “I got an internship through the school. So,” he said defiantly. Justin was pleased with himself for not showing the fear that had risen within him to the other man, and pleased that he could put up a brave front. It had been a long time since he had felt that way, and Justin was pleased that he was still able to do it.

“Right… sooo,” Brian began. “How’s the happy home front?”

Justin just sat back in his chair and crossed his arms in front of him. He knew that Brian was pissed about his leaving, but he wasn’t going to take any shit from the man here. Not in front of everyone that he worked for. Brian wasn’t going to ruin this for him… Justin wanted to be allowed ONE safe haven in his fucked up life. “None of your business, really. I’m here to work, now if you don’t mind,” Justin said turning away from Brian and picking up his pen to pretend to draw.

Justin felt Brian lean in so that he could see what Justin was doing, or at least make the appearance that he was checking out his work. “Listen here, Justin. I don’t like the fact that you’re following me around. Why don’t you just get the fuck out of here, and go back to your boyfriend? You don’t belong here. Is that clear?”

Justin turned around again, almost pushing Brian away from him. “I am not here for you, Brian,” he silently began not wanting anyone to get the wrong impression of him. If people thought that he and Brian were together then his time here would be terrible. “I worked hard to get this internship, and I’m not going to let you fuck this up for me. I didn’t even want to see you… understand. I don’t care about you; I don’t want to be in the same room as you. So why don’t you just leave me the fuck alone. You never cared while we were together, so why should you care what the fuck I do now.” Justin stood from his desk and walked away before he caved in and told Brian the truth.

Justin wasn’t stupid enough to think that he hadn’t silently hoped to get a glimpse of his former lover, to have him close… but he didn’t dare admit that to anyone else. If he didn’t tell Brian that he never wanted to see him again, that he didn’t care, then Justin knew that Brian would catch on. Brian would know what was going on, and try to fix things. Justin didn’t want Brian’s sympathy… he didn’t want Brian to even know what was going on in his life right now. It’s not like he even cares, Justin told himself, wanting to believe that. If he believed that Brian didn’t care about him, then it would make things so much easier. He wouldn’t have to pretend that he gave up the one great romance in his life for … for what he was living now. He could pretend that he was better off where he was.

Before Justin could get far, he felt Brian’s hand on his arm, turning him to face the other man. Justin bit his lip to keep from crying out as Brian’s hand touched a big bruise on his upper arm. Quickly looking up into Brian’s eyes, he knew that he was unsuccessful in hiding his pain. Brian immediately pulled up Justin’s shirtsleeve and looked down at the bruise on his upper arm. “What the fuck? What the hell happened?”

Justin pulled away from Brian and rolled his sleeve back down. Laughing slightly, silently hoping that Brian didn’t question him more, Justin shook his head. “I’m not discussing my sex life with you,” Justin told Brian. He figured if he let Brian believe that he and Ethan had gotten a little rough during sex, then Brian would leave it well enough alone. Please leave it alone, Brian.

“Sooo, you and the fiddler are into S&M,” Brian asked not believing a word Justin was saying. “I never knew you were into that.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Brian. So fuck off,” Justin added, walking away from Brian. He hoped that this would be the last time he saw Brian. He wasn’t sure he could lie to Brian anymore, and it had amazed him that he was able to do it this time.

February 2003

I move over to the couch and start to put on my shoes. I have to get out of here. I was able to lie to Brian last year, but now… now he knows – at least he has a damn good idea. I mean why else would he have found me living on the streets? I am so fucked. Just a damn fucking twat.

I feel Brian sit down on the couch next to me, and I silently curse myself for letting him sneak up on me. Fuck… I used to be able to tell when he was next to me, and now I’ve allowed myself to get distracted enough so that I don’t even know when he’s near. This is NOT good. If I can let Brian sneak up on me… who’s to say that I won’t let Ethan do the same thing. Fuck. “So those bruises weren’t from kinky sex were they,” Brian asked startling me.

“Leave it alone, Brian. Please,” I beg him. I don’t want to get into it… not now, hell not ever. All I want to do is get out of here. “Listen… thanks. For lunch, shower… clean clothes. But I … I better get going.”

I stand and walk toward the door. Why do my feet feel like they weigh a hundred pounds? Why does it feel like I’m walking through quick sand? “Justin,” I hear Brian behind me. “You don’t have to go. Stay. I think it’s time we talked, don’t you?”

I turn to face him, and I know that the shock I feel is showing. I’m not that good at hiding my feelings as I like. Laughing, I just shake my head. “You’ve got to be kidding me? You? Talk? That’s got to be a first. You never talk… you never fucking listened. Why should I think that this time would be any different? Why the hell do you expect me to even imagine that you would say anything that I want to hear? You don’t talk, Brian… never have. Sex… that’s your way.” Am I angry? Hell yes. I’m totally and absolutely pissed. Go figure. But dammit I think I have a right. I mean, he comes and finds me after a year… and … God I want to scream.

“Justin…”

Oh no… He’s not going to try and say shit now. “Don’t! God, Brian! You don’t have to ‘fix’ me. You can’t always try and play the hero. I don’t want your fucking help!”

“I’m not trying to play the hero,” he calmly says.

Talk about total contradiction. I’m yelling, pissed as all get out… and Brian’s sitting there calm as can be. Well fuck him! “You don’t understand, Brian. You never did. Sometimes shit happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You told me that I had to be a man… and that means that if I fuck up, I need to take care of it myself. I don’t need you to come to the rescue. You didn’t give a damn a year ago, so why the fuck now?” I know I must sound like a complete crazy person, but I can’t help it. I’m not really feeling like I can stay calm. I don’t think that I have it in me anymore. Since he had showed up, I feel out of control. Totally and completely lost.

Wait a fucking minute! “How the hell did you find me anyway,” I ask. Finally letting that one point sink into my thick skull. I see Brian look away, and I won’t let him ignore my question. “How did you know where I was at?”

“Ben,” he quietly states. And I know that it’s not all. I just know that there is more to this than he’s letting on. God… he can be so fucking frustrating! I move back across the room so that I’m standing in front of him on the couch. Looking down at him, I give him a look that lets him know that I am NOT going to let him go without telling me. Brian looks up at me, and I try not to let him effect me. “Ben’s friends with someone who works at the place you go to sometimes. She told him…”

I feel as if my whole world is crashing down on me. I can’t fucking breathe. I can’t think. Karen… she… she fucking betrayed me. “Why not…” I start to say. I forget that Brian’s there for a second, as I turn to walk around the loft. “What’s one more person I trust betraying me? God, what the fuck have I ever done to deserve this shit? I didn’t think I was that bad of a person.”

I feel Brian come up behind me and his hands on my shoulders. “You’re not,” he tells me. He leans into me a little so that his mouth is near my ear. “You’re not. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I close my eyes briefly, then pull away from him. “I… I gotta go. I can’t think. I’m sorry. Thanks,” I say as I make my way over to the door. I can’t be here, I can’t deal with this shit right now. The one person I had trusted enough to tell everything to, betrayed me… just like Ethan did… like Brian did… like everyone in my life did.

I pull the door open, and pause for a second. I didn’t think that it would be this hard, walking away again. “Justin,” I hear his quiet voice behind me, and I try not to give in. I can’t give in, I have to do what’s right, and leaving is what’s right. “Stay.”

Stay… what a simple word. One thing that I would’ve loved to have heard a year ago. I feel torn, not sure what and where to go from here. Do I go and try to find a way to hide again… never trusting anyone again? Or do I stay, like he’s asking me to. Stay and try to get back my life?

I don’t know… I just don’t know anymore.

Brian’s POV

After Justin had left with that fiddler, I had tried to get go back to the old ways. I figured if I didn’t see him, didn’t think of him, thing would easily go back to the easy street. I didn’t allow anyone to really mention his name, even though I tried to talk to Mikey about continuing the comic with Justin. It didn’t work out of course, but I knew I had to try.

I didn’t wish Justin any ill will; I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to be where he should, wanted him to have the best. I just didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t go back to the way things were before he came into my life. I did… do love him, although I would never fully admit it. I just wanted what was best for him. I knew he was unhappy with me, so why should I force him to stay where he didn’t want to be?

I couldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t do that to him. No matter how much it hurt me.

Things were fine for a while, I guess. I could pretend that Justin meant nothing to me. I almost succeeded… well at least until I saw him right there at Vanguard. I couldn’t believe that he was there. Pissed, of course, I walked right up to him and started in on him. He just sat there, not giving an inch. God, it was such a fucking turn on that all I wanted to do was fuck him right there on his work table. When he started to walk away from me, I don’t even know what happened – I just reacted. I followed him, and grabbed a hold of his arm, ready to finish the argument.

He hissed in pain, and I could see it all over his face. Fuck, thinking back now, I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. Why I didn’t press him for information? Why the hell I didn’t just throw him over my shoulder and take him back home with me?

But I dropped it… I didn’t press him for information. God, I still can’t believe that I didn’t do anything about it. I know that I care about him… Everyone knows. But dam if I didn’t let him down again.

After that, he basically avoided me like the plague. If I was walking toward him, he would run in the other direction. I knew something was up. I should’ve gone after him… made him tell me that the fears that I had growing deep within me were false. But I didn’t. I was still pissed at him. Pissed that he made me care, then fucked me over. Yeah, so I fucked up too, but he was the one who gave up, not me.

So anyway, I just let him go about his business and continue without my interference. Then he just disappeared. Just like that. One day he was there and the next no one knew where he was. I know now, that after the whole ‘Rage’ Party everyone basically had shut Justin out of their lives… it was like he never existed. I didn’t know that then or I would’ve done something about it. I thought that they would keep in touch with him. I mean, dammit he’s a part of this fucking family… he’s bleed, sweat, and cried for this family… and they all turn their backs on him.

None of them had the right to do that. Hell, I’m still not talking to them over that shit. The only one who seemed to give a damn was Vic. I can say that he has helped me a lot with coming to terms with all of this. Without him, I don’t know where I would be. I don’t know if I would be able to forgive myself for once again letting Justin down. Vic allowed me to see that this wasn’t my fault… that Justin had made a choice, and I wasn’t the one who had done this to him. It wasn’t Justin’s fault either… he just was in a bad situation. PTSD, as Vic explained, was most likely the reason why Justin allowed it to happen. The damn kid most likely felt he deserved everything that that little asshole did to him.

Luckily I did find out from Daphne that Justin had been talking to Ben. It seems that Justin had taken a course with the good professor, and they would have lunch together often. So after hearing that and knowing just how worried she was – at least someone was – I immediately contacted Ben. I can honestly say that lunch with Daphne and Ben is one that I will never forget and I never want to have another one like it again.

October 2002

“So where the fuck is he,” I asked the two sitting at the table with me. I couldn’t believe that the two of them were telling me that it had been a month since they had last heard from him.

“I don’t know. I’ve tried everything to try and find him. I talked to his mom, and we’ve been trying to check with everyone that we know,” Daphne answered. I can tell that she’s been crying, and I know that I shouldn’t be pissed. I mean, who am I to blame her when I’m as much to blame as anyone. “I had last talked to him three weeks ago. He said that he had to go away for a little bit… and that he would call me later that week, but he never did. His mom has already talked to the cops about a missing person report, but I don’t think that they will do anything. She said that they just don’t really seem that concerned. That’s he’s most likely just out blowing steam or something.”

I run my hand through my hair and look over at Ben, hoping that he knows what’s going on. “Well, do you have any idea what the FUCK is going on?”

Ben sat back in his chair and looked at me. “I know…at least I have a damn good idea that Ethan was abusing him.”

“What? I mean I know he seemed a little strange, but I … He would’ve told me,” Daphne said not fully believing what Ben had just said.

No matter how much I would love to say that he’s lying, I don’t know if I can. I mean I knew… or at least suspected. I knew that I should’ve pressed the issue with Justin. I should’ve done something. “Did he tell you that?”

Ben shook his head. “Not in so many words, but I looked, and asked. It struck me as strange that he would wear long sleeves in the summer. He was always looking over his shoulder, calling Ethan on the phone letting him know where he is… when he’ll leave. I’ve seen abused people before… I knew what to look for. Everything that Justin was doing made me think that he might. Now I don’t have any solid proof, but my gut tells me that he was.”

“You don’t think that Ethan did anything bad to… make him disappear, do you,” Daphne asked. I wanted to tell her she’s been watching too many of those damn Lifetime movies, but I actually was wondering the same thing. Could Ethan have done something to make Justin disappear?

“I don’t know. I never bothered to get to know Ethan. Justin wouldn’t let me meet him, so I don’t know.”

“Why you,” I ask. Out of all the people Justin could’ve gone to… why Ben? That’s the question that had been nagging me since I had found out about their meetings.

“Who else would he turn to? Justin told me he didn’t want Daphne or his mother involved. He didn’t want to put that pressure on them,” Ben answered looking over at Daphne as he said that. “He said that IF he was having problems with Ethan, he didn’t want to drag them into it… that the prom was enough.” Ben turned to look at me and shook his head. “And who else could he have talked to. After the Rage Party, everyone turned their back on Justin. No one would talk to him.”

“What,” I asked pissed.

Ben took a deep breath and looked directly at me. “Look, I may not have been around for a long time, but I have seen enough to know that you are the center of this ‘family’. They all follow and worship you. Hell, Michael and Lindsey’s the worse. So everyone took it upon themselves to shut him out… not that Justin made any attempt at contacting anyone. He felt that after he left you, he didn’t belong. So no one made the attempt. I’m sure if Justin had called Deb, or Emmett or almost anyone then things would be different. But not only did he feel like he did NOT belong… I believe that Ethan wouldn’t let him talk to anyone.”

“So everyone just completely ignored him? What the fuck is going on?” I can’t fucking believe that everyone just turned their back on Justin. How the hell can they do that? So what if he and Justin weren’t together. It didn’t make a damn bit of difference in the long run… Justin was still a part of this family. “How can we find him?”

February 2003

I think that we all agreed to look for Justin on our own. The four of us… well five, okay six if you count Deb and Vic. Jennifer was handling the police and what they had discovered, if anything. Daphne and Jennifer both were checking with friends and family members of Justin. Ben was doing whatever it was he was doing… checking with people who might be able to help, hospices and so on. Me… well I was practically running around the city hoping that I would find him.

It took months… months of wondering if he was still alive, wondering where he was before we got something… an idea where he was. And fuck me if it wasn’t Ben who had found out. The day he came by at fuckingseven thirty in the morning, I was already to head out myself to start my weekend routine.

February 2003

Earlier that same Day

“What,” I asked opening the door to let Ben in. The other man looked like had something important to say, and frankly, I’m just anxious for him to get the hell out of my way so I can start my search.

“I know where he is,” Ben answered. I froze in that spot. It was one thing that I never thought that I would hear again.

“Where… how,” I ask leaning against the kitchen counter. For some reason my legs suddenly feel like rubber. This is something that I almost didn’t think would happen. Oh now I had hoped we would get news, but I was beginning to doubt that we would ever find Justin.

“An old college friend of mine works at a half-way house on the other side of town. I ran into her the other day and we started talking. She called me last night and told me that she thinks she can help. I had told her what was going on, so she knew about Justin.”

“Let’s go,” I inform him, grabbing my coat and heading toward the door. Ben placed a hand on my arm halting me from going any further. Turning to him, I just look at him. “What? Let’s go.”

Ben shook his head. “There’s something you need to know first.” I look at him, letting him know that my patience is thin. He better fucking tell me now before I hurt him. “Justin’s been living on the streets since September. I mean really living on the streets. Karen told me that he doesn’t look well. He’s thin, dirty, and withdrawn. He’s not what we remember him as. He may not be real receptive to us being there.”

‘Living on the streets,’ is the only thing that is really running through my mind. Justin… My fucking Justin forced to live on the streets. I almost can’t contain the anger I feel at this whole situation. At everything that is going on. So without saying anything I just open the loft door and head out. He can follow me or not, I don’t fucking care. I’m bringing Justin home.

*~*~*~*~*

When I saw Justin standing by that flame, trying to get warm, I almost lost it. He looked over at me and Ben then ran. I can say that at that moment I knew that everything that Ben had said was right. I also knew that something else, something more was going on. What I didn’t know yet, but I was going to find out one way or another.

I know that I most likely shouldn’t have tricked him into coming to the loft, and I KNOW I never should’ve gone into that damn bathroom, but no one ever said I was perfect. I screw up, and I sure as hell did this time.

The only thing I can say in defense is the fact that when I saw him there, both times really – I had to have him. I had to have him near. Had to touch him. Can you blame me for wanting to touch him when I see him in the shower? Can you? I mean come on… look at him. If say that you could honestly look at him and NOT want to touch him, then you’re a fucking fool and a liar. God… I should’ve just kept my hands – and lust – to myself.

When I came out and saw Justin getting dressed, and getting ready to leave, I began to feel as if my whole world was ending. I didn’t know much, but I knew that I COULDN’T let him walk away from me again. I couldn’t stand there and watch him walk away. “Justin,” I quickly say the moment he reached the damn door. I just had to stop him. “You don’t have to go. Stay. I think it’s time we talked, don’t you?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me? You? Talk? That’s got to be a first. You never talk… you never fucking listened. Why should I think that this time would be any different? Why the hell do you expect me to even imagine that you would say anything that I want to hear? You don’t talk, Brian… never have. Sex… that’s your way.”

“Justin…” I wanted to deny what he said… I wanted to tell him that he had it all wrong, but a part of me knew that I couldn’t. He’s right. I didn’t talk…we didn’t talk. Sex IS my way. I use sex to tell him how I felt about him… feel about him. Words have never been easy for me… I don’t know if that will ever change.

“Don’t! God, Brian! You don’t have to ‘fix’ me. You can’t always try and play the hero. I don’t want your fucking help!”

“I’m not trying to play the hero,” I calmly tell him. God I don’t feel calm. His anger, his fear is just pouring out of him. I can feel it from across the room. All I want to do is take him in my arms and take all of that fear, pain, and anger away.

“You don’t understand, Brian. You never did. Sometimes shit happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Shit happens… fuck Sunshine, you don’t know the half of it. I think I know what it’s like to have shit happen. My whole life has been one big fuck-up. “You told me that I had to be a man… and that means that if I fuck up, I need to take care of it myself. I don’t need you to come to the rescue. You didn’t give a damn a year ago, so why the fuck now?” The last thing I want to do, and I’m not sure if I can ever tell him – is that I DON’T want to go back to the way things were.

After the Prom, I will admit it… I felt guilty. Hell it was my fault that he was hurt to begin with. If I hadn’t outed him at school… if I hadn’t shown up at the Prom… if I had just taken him home with me that night. If… if … if… My whole fucking life is one big IF.

One thing that I don’t really regret… well not completely is meeting Justin. “How the hell did you find me anyway?” He would have to ask the hard question first. I turn slightly not really wanting to tell him. “How did you know where I was at?”

“Ben,” I quietly tell him. “Ben’s friends with someone who works at the place you go to sometimes. She told him…” I hate telling him. I know that he must have felt that he had no one who cared. Hell he must have thought that we all hated him if he felt he couldn’t come to us. We all are to blame for what happened. None of us wanted to see what was happening… and the only person he had trusted … the one that he had felt comfortable with, had told the rest of us.

“Why not… What’s one more person I trust betraying me? God, what the fuck have I ever done to deserve this shit? I didn’t think I was that bad of a person.”

The moment that he said the words, I wanted – no needed to do something. He wasn’t to blame for what happened to him. It wasn’t his fault. I move up behind him and lightly place my hands on his shoulders. I know what he’s going through. I do. “You’re not,” I tell him. I lean in as close as I can, placing my head beside his. He has to hear me… he just has to. I know what it’s like to be abused… I know the hatred toward yourself for it. Always thinking that you did something wrong, that it was your fault. I’ve lived it… hell still living it. But I won’t let Justin think that HE caused this. I won’t. “You’re not. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I… I got to go. I can’t think. I’m sorry. Thanks.”

I feel frozen, the air around me just stills as I watch him move again toward the door. No. I can’t let him do this… not now… “Justin…. Stay.”

Don’t leave … please don’t leave. I can’t watch you walk out of my life again. Not when I just found you. Let me help you… let me take away the pain. I want to be there for you. I … I want you.

I can’t watch you leave again… Never again.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

I want to leave… I know I should, but for some reason my feet just won’t move. It feels like there is a barrier blocking the door, preventing me from walking out of it. I can’t do this. If I stay, Brian… who knows what Ethan will do. “Why,” I ask. It’s the one thing that has been plaguing me since he had said stay. Why is he doing this?

“Justin,” he began, and I could feel him behind me, close enough to touch, but thankfully not “How about we sit down. I promise I’ll explain everything.”

Without looking at him, I shut the loft door and move over to the couch. I watch him sit on the other end of the couch, giving me some space. I think he realizes that if he pushes, I just may leave again. Not that I think I’ll be able to, I mean I couldn’t even make my feet move out the door. I couldn’t do it. “So,” I say staring down at my hands. I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to see the pity, the hate, the… hell whatever it is I know I’ll see in his eyes. Because I know it won’t be love. Brian doesn’t do love… at least he never loved me.

I have to believe that. I just have to. If I don’t believe that he never loved me, if I thought that he had any feelings toward me at all, then everything I had done in the past year… well let’s just say it makes matters worse. A lot worse. “I did look for you. As soon as Daphne told me that you were gone, I looked. Months, Justin. I looked everywhere. I thought you were happy with Ethan. I thought that it was what you wanted. I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved, I thought that Ethan could. If I knew…”

“Don’t,” I begin. God I so do not want another guilt trip started. That’s why we ended up where we did. We were only together ‘cause he felt guilty about what happened at the Prom. I don’t want him to start down that path again. This was not his fault. “It’s not your fault, Brian. I was the one who cheated…I was the one who left. It was my choice. There’s nothing that you could’ve done to stop me.” Well only tell me that I mattered to you, even a little. If you had said that then I would’ve stayed, no matter what… but I sure as hell am not going to tell him that. Fuck no “ Promise me that you won’t blame yourself. Promise.”

I see Brian out of the corner of my eye, looking over at me. He nods in response, and I feel a little better. I just wish I knew what was going through his mind right now… it would make this whole thing a lot easier for me. “I saw the bruises, Justin. I saw all the signs. I guess in the back of my mind, I knew. I just didn’t want to believe it.” I saw Brian turn away slightly and take a deep breath. I knew that I should tell him that he’s lying, that Ethan never… but I can’t. The same thing that had stopped me from leaving, I guess, is the same damn thing that is preventing me from saying the words.

Brian stood up from the couch, and I just had to make sure that I didn’t look up. I couldn’t let him see my face, my eyes. If he saw what I held in my heart, he would know just how much I have fucked things up for the both of us. I can’t let him see. “I always made sure no one knew.”

“I remember,” he quietly said. Then it hits me… hearing about what his dad used to do to him… all the times he had to hide the bruises from his dad’s beatings. I guess if anyone would know, it would be him. I should’ve known that he would have known. I guess – no I know – that’s the reason why I always made sure to avoid him. “I didn’t know that everyone had shut you out. I didn’t ask them to, and if I had known… I wouldn’t have allowed it, Justin.”

“I know you didn’t tell them to, Brian. I’m not stupid. But they were your friends first. I didn’t have a right after what I did,” I quietly tell him.

“That’s no excuse. That’s bullshit and you know it,” he cursed. I can tell that he’s pissed about it, but for some reason I can’t be mad. I mean they are his friends… his family – I was just an outsider. I can’t be pissed about them ignoring me. I feel Brian move to sit down beside me again, still far enough away as to not get too close – giving me enough space. “Tell me what I can do to help, Justin. Tell me how I can make this right.”

God, I don’t want this… I don’t want him to fix things… to take me in out of guilt. “Brian,” I begin, still looking down at my hands. I look up at the window across the room. “There’s nothing you can do. I don’t want you to try and fix this…there’s nothing that YOU can fix. I’m the one who fucked up… I’m the one who has to deal with this. This is MY mess, not yours. There’s nothing you can do to fix what I’ve done.” Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. I feel Brian’s hand on my arm, and I can feel it start to ground me. I know I shouldn’t be here… I should leave and never return, but I feel safe here. For the first time since last February, I feel safe.

“Tell me what happened,” Brian asks of me. Can I tell him? Can I sit here and tell him what I’ve done. I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them… trying to get as much warmth that I can… hoping to keep it all in. The thing is I want to tell him. I want someone to make it all better, and help me forget, but I can’t ask that of Brian. He’s already done so much for me, and I already owe him so much. He saved my fucking life, for Christ sake. How can I ask him to try to do it again? How can I put all of that on him, ask him to help me? I don’t want to dump all of this on him. I don’t think I can do that. Brian moves so that he is sitting in front of me. “Justin.”

I look up at him for the first time, and I look into his eyes. I guess you can say that I’m looking into his soul… looking to see if he’s only doing this, asking this out of pity, or if it’s something more. I need to know that he really cares. I just need to know. I can see sadness, pain, and… god help me, I swear I can see love there as well. Am I just fooling myself into believing that he can love me – that he does? I close my eyes and rest my head on my knees, not wanting to look anymore. I want to talk to someone about what happened. I really do, but I’m so ashamed. I hate that I’ve allowed it all to happen. How will he look at me once he finds out? Will he hate me? That’s one thing that I know I couldn’t handle. I don’t think I’d be able to survive if he turned against me.

“What are you afraid of, Justin? What happened,” he quietly asks me.

“If he finds out I’m here…”

“What? What do you think he’ll do?”

I take a deep breath and tighten my grip on my legs. “He said that if he couldn’t have me no one could,” I manage to get out. God… I feel like such a loser for thinking that… for being so weak for telling Brian. “He said that he would… he wouldn’t let anyone … He wouldn’t allow anyone else to have me.” I can feel the tears start to rise in the corner of my eye, and I’m amazed that I even have tears left. I thought I had used them all up… that I had nothing left in me. Maybe it’s Brian… maybe it’s being back here – I don’t know. “Don’t you see,” I ask. “If he sees me here…”

My voice breaks, and I feel Brian move in next to me. I can feel his arms wrap around me. No matter how much I know that I shouldn’t allow this… I can’t stop myself from letting him take a hold of me. I feel safe. I don’t deserve to feel like this, but my body betrays me by burying itself deeper into his warmth. “I won’t let him near you. I swear to god, he will never step foot near you again. I promise. I won’t let him hurt you again. He can’t touch me, Justin,” he whispers near my ear. “Let it out… let it all out. I’ve got you. I won’t let you go.”

I hear his calming words wash over me, and I suddenly realize that I’m shaking… that the tears are falling from my face. Hearing his words, feeling his arms – I actually start to believe him. “I had to go, Bri… I couldn’t take it anymore. He was going to kill me. I don’t want to die.”

“You won’t. You’re strong Justin. I know that it doesn’t feel like you are now, but you are. You’re the strongest person I know. You give all you have into something, and you don’t give up.” I feel Brian’s head resting against my own. He leans back on the couch, and pulls me with him. Wrapping my arms around him, I lay my head against his chest – silently taking comfort in him. For the first time in too long, I felt safe, and loved. I felt like someone actually gave a damn if I lived or died. Slowly I started to feel my eyes start to close. The last thing I remember is being warm for the first time since last February.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

I felt Justin relax in my arms, and I can only hold him closer to me. I’m half afraid that if I let go, he’ll disappear again. Plus, I know that if I leave here, leave his embrace, I’ll hunt down that little fucker and kill him. Christ. I don’t even have the full story, and I already want to kill him. What will I feel like once I get the rest of the story? Will I be able to stop myself from hunting him down?

And our ‘friends’, our ‘family’. Fuck! How could they just leave him in the hands of that psychopath? I know I fucked up… I know that if I hadn’t pushed him away that none of this would’ve happened, but I thought I was honestly doing what was best for him. I promised him though that I wouldn’t feel guilty and I’m going to try my hardest. I know that neither one of us want to have anything based on guilt. We tried that once, and that’s how we ended up here. So I’ll try to put that aside, and just be here for him. I just hope he will let me.

Can he let me? That’s the question. Has what happened messed him up enough to where he can’t trust anyone? I mean, I know what it’s like to be abused. I know the humiliation and shame that you feel. You feel like it’s your fault… at least that’s what they lead you to believe. I was lucky, I had Deb and Mikey… but Justin… FUCK! He had no one, at least that’s the way he felt. That’s one thing that I wish had never happened. I had hoped that they wouldn’t try and take sides, that they wouldn’t abandon him. I had thought that everyone felt like he was a part of our little group. I guess I thought wrong. I am glad Ben had been there for him when everyone else had abandoned him.

It makes me wonder what the hell happened with his own damn family. Where the hell was Jennifer during this? Why didn’t she try to help her son? If anyone thinks that I’m going to let all of this shit drop, they have another thing coming. I am pissed… fucking furious. We all left him alone… left him to fend for himself. And look at where he ended up. We threw him into the arms of Ethan and no one cared to help him get out of there alive.

I promised Justin that I wouldn’t blame myself for any of this, but it’s hard. I know that I could’ve done things differently… I could’ve let him know I gave a damn about him, but I didn’t. I let him go… I fucking threw him off of that cliff. I did the one thing that I knew would send him away. Granted if I knew then what I know now… honestly I don’t know if, or what I wouldn’t done differently. I just don’t know.

Justin buries his head further into my chest, and I lean back and pull him closer to me. I don’t ever want him to get away again. The only thing that I know for a fact is that I am not letting him go. I feel him start to move around in his sleep, his hand is twitching unconsciously, and I know that the nightmares are only beginning. Slowly, I run my hand up and down his back, calming him. I remember all the times after the bashing – after he came to live with me – when he would wake me up with his nightmares. I had learned how to calm him, to end the nightmares without even waking him. Many nights I wouldn’t even sleep myself, just waiting for the moment when the nightmare would start. I never let it get far, let him get too deep in whatever is scaring him.

I just hate it when something hurts him. I only want what’s best for him. That’s all I ever wanted. Everyone in his life has let him down, and I think it’s time for all of that to change. I will do everything in my power, give everything that I can to make life better for him. I can’t stand to see him hurting anymore. I can’t stand the thought of him out there on the streets -- alone.

“It’ll be alright, Justin. I promise. I won’t let anything happen to you.” I whisper to the top of his head. This is one promise I will not let be broken. I won’t let him break it… I won’t let him get away from me again.

I don’t think that I’d be able to survive.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

I feel reality start to surface, and all I want is to keep it all away for a little while longer. This is the first time that I’ve actually felt relaxed. This is the first time in too long that I remember actually sleeping. I didn’t wake once. A night of uninterrupted sleep… this is too good to be true.

I open my eyes, and I suddenly remember where I am. I can’t believe that I let my guard down so much that I could actually let myself fall into this trap again. Did I actually tell him all of that … all that shit about Ethan? God, why can’t I be stronger than that? Why is it that whenever I get near Brian, I just don’t know when to shut up. I don’t know why I can’t just shut my heart off, and not be so weak.

I have always wanted to be strong, always wanted to be able to take care of myself. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to succeed. Hell from the time I first stepped ontoLiberty Avenue, my life has been one hell after another. No home… no family. Nothing. Everything just was taken away from me. I don’t have anything left… hell I don’t even have myself left. I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought I did. I thought that I knew who I was, and what I wanted. I had told Brian that I wanted someone who could show me that they loved me.

How fucking wrong I was? I really don’t know if Ethan loved me, or if he loved the idea of us. I don’t know. Was that love, or was what I had with Brian love? God what choices those are. Ethan showed his ‘love’ with fists, and … and much more. Brian… Brian showed his love with ignoring me, the tricks… putting everyone and everything else before me. Ethan said he loved me, Brian never did.

What the hell is love? I’m not really sure I want to know anymore. I don’t even think that I can love anymore. I just don’t know.

I do know that being in Brian’s arms … I feel safe. I don’t even want to think of what else it may make me feel because Brian doesn’t love me – he never did. So I can’t even allow myself to think that. But I know that I don’t want this feeling to go away. I don’t want to lose this.

How fucked up is that?

I know he wants answers. He thinks he wants to know what happened, but I’m not sure I can tell him. I told him too much already, and I don’t know if I can make myself remember the rest. I have tried real hard these past couple of months to forget it all – the pain, the humiliation, the disgrace. Why do I want to bring it all back up now? Why would I want to dump all of my problems on the one person whom I had really loved? I can’t do that to him. I just can’t. He doesn’t deserve that type of pressure.

“Hey,” I hear Brian softly say. Damn it, why can’t he still be asleep? I know, I know… wishful thinking on my part, but just once I wish that things could go my way.

“Hey,” I reply back, not bothering to look up at him. I can’t, in all honesty. I still can’t look him in the eye, I don’t know if I ever will again. How can I look him in the eye, when all I feel is nothing? When all he’ll see is all the dumb shit I’ve allowed myself to get into.

I feel Brian’s hand move up and down my back, and I allow myself to feel comforted by the light caress. I allow myself to relax, and remain calm. I guess I might as well take it while I can, because I sure as hell know that I won’t have it for much longer. I know I can’t stay here, and no matter what Brian says, I am not staying here. He has to go to work sometime, and I’ll just go. I’ll leave, and no one will ever find me again. I can’t let anyone know I’m here – I can’t let Ethan know I’m here. I have to do this for myself, and for Brian. He doesn’t deserve to get hurt because of me. “Hungry,” he asks me.

I want to say no, and I almost get the words out, but my stomach betrays me. I hear Brian laugh slightly as he moves so he can get up. I sit up and allow him to move toward the kitchen. I have to think. I have to figure out a way to get out of telling him. I know he’s going to want to know, and I can’t tell him. I feel Brian move back beside me on the couch, and I think that my time is up. No, I know my time is up. He’s going to ask, and I silently beg him not to. My mind is screaming ‘Don’t ask… Please don’t ask!’ but I can’t seem to get those thoughts to my mouth. “Food will be here in about a half an hour,” he tells me and I can only nod. Please don’t ask, Brian. Please. “Justin, what happened? What did he do to you?”

I close my eyes, and curse every god known to man. Why is my life so fucked up? Why can’t people do what I want them to do for once, instead of me always doing what is expected of me – what others want me to do? I feel the tears start to form in my eyes, and I bite my lip to keep them from falling. I can’t break down now… I just can’t. If I start, I won’t be able to stop. If I tell him, I know that I won’t be able to leave. That’s why I can’t tell him. I know deep in my heart that if I tell him, it will keep me here. I will have let all my demons out, and the only person who’s ever been able to help me fight those has been Brian. He’s the only one who’s given me the strength to fight, has allowed me to accept help. I don’t want to need him. I just don’t. I want to be able to keep everything hidden, to keep it all tucked away.

He wants me to open the door that I’ve been trying hard to keep close. How can I open it now? How can I keep myself from drowning?

Slowly I turn on the couch and look up at him, and I lose it. I wrap my arms around him, putting my head on his chest, and just cry. I let the tears fall – wanting to wash away the pain and heartache. I want to just disappear deep within him and be safe. I want it all to stop.

I want to be able to feel something besides pain.

I want … I want it all. But most of all, I want him. I want him to take it all away.

Brian will keep me afloat. He won’t let me drown. He hasn’t yet.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

Pulling away from Brian slightly, I take a deep breath, then lay my head back on his chest. I can’t look at him… I can’t see the look in his eye as I tell him. What will he think of me when I tell him about what happened to me? All I can think of is seeing the disappointment in Brian’s eyes; I just know that it will be there. Luckily, there was a knock on the door letting us know that the food is here. I have never been so happy that Brian didn’t know how to cook than I was at that moment. I sit up and let him stand. Brian opens the door, pays for the food, then brings them over to the couch. “Don’t think that this is going to get you out of talking,” he said with a small smile.

I close my eyes, wishing that it would do just that. “Let’s just wait until we eat, k?” Brian nods, and places some noodles in front of me. I don’t really know if my stomach will handle a lot of spice, but I’m surprised when I take a bite and note that there isn’t any.

Brian turned to his own dinner with a knowing smirk on his face. “I figured since you haven’t really had much to eat in the past couple of months, we should start off easy,” he quietly said as he brings his own noodles up to his lips. I can only nod, and continue to eat. I try to stretch out my dinner, hoping beyond hope that he will forget all about anything that that deals with Ethan – about my leaving. I know its false hope, but I wish that at least once things could work out for me. I so do not want to deal with the memories anymore. I didn’t want to deal with what Brian will think.

I just know, deep down, that the moment I let my guard down, Ethan will be there – waiting. He said that no matter where I was, no matter who I was with, or how long I was gone – he would find me. Somehow I don’t doubt him at all. Now that I’m awake, I feel like he’s just waiting outside the loft door for me. Waiting for me to show my face. I’m not really worried too much about me. Not really. I’m worried about what he would do to Brian. I know that everyone thinks that he is just a weak little faggot that he couldn’t hurt a fly – but they don’t know him like I do. I know full well what he’s capable of. And that gun and hunting knife… No, I have to keep my wits about me. I can’t allow myself to be sucked into thinking that I’m safe here with Brian.

No… Ethan is capable of anything. Just look at what he’s already done… who he’s already killed.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

I watch Justin out of the corner of my as I sit here beside him, and I can’t help but notice him stalling. I know that’s what he’s doing, and frankly it worries me. I was always the one who would stall for time, try and avoid talking. Now the shoe’s on the other foot. I don’t like it one bit. I need to do some checking that’s for sure. I need to find out what Ethan. His past, his family, anything I can dig up on the little bastard. I can’t deny the fact that he has Justin running scared, and that’s something that I cannot allow. Justin has already been through so much that he doesn’t need to be afraid of this little bastard.

I remember what it was like for me every time my dad kicked the shit out of me. Thinking that no one cared, that you were as worthless as they say you are. I can honestly say that it helped create the person I am today. Hell, when you get your ass kicked for crying, or showing any emotion – it tends to leave a permanent mark on you. I shut down, emotionally. I don’t want Justin to go through that too. I don’t want him to change totally because of this. He has always been outgoing, free-spirited. I can’t let Ethan take that away from him.

Too many people have taken from Justin. And I admit it is one of his faults. Justin is too trusting… to caring. But then again, it’s one of the things that I find exciting about him. He has always been strong, and willing to do what others wanted him to do. Look at me. He did so much for me, things that I’m not sure he would’ve done otherwise. We’ve all taken advantage of him. Me, his dad, the gang,Hobbs, everyone. I don’t think that there really is one person who is to blame totally for this. We all contributed to his feeling of self-worth, or lack thereof. No, we sure as hell didn’t help at all.

If we had all done things differently, then I think he would’ve left Ethan at the first sign of abuse. But I believe, as much as it hurts – that we have all abused him in some form. Whether it was emotional or physical, Justin has been on a rollercoaster for the past couple of years. And I’ll be damned if I let it go on. He deserves better than that. He deserves so much more.

I know I’m not a saint, and hell, I’m not even sure I can do this. I don’t think that I’m good enough for him, but I know that I’m better than Ethan. I would never lay a hand on Justin in anger. I am not Ethan and I’m not my father – or his for that matter.

I wonder what’s going through his mind… what he’s going to come up with to try and get out of talking. I know he is thinking about it. I would bet everything that he feels that it’s his fault… that since it is his fault that he shouldn’t try and ‘drop’ this on anyone. I bet that he’s thinking that he doesn’t deserve to have any help, to have anyone care for him.

It’s a bet I’m positive I would win. Cause I had been there. I know.

I won’t let him, though. I can only hope that I CAN help him. Can I get past my own feeling of self-worth problems and help him see that we’re both worth helping each other?

I’m going to try. We owe it to each other to try.

I just hope I don’t fuck him up more.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

I know, from just looking around Ethan’s small apartment – that he knew him. I remember talking to Brian about who might’ve killed that kid. It’s scary, knowing. It’s just one of those moments where you think ‘If I had only known’. Boy I can say without a doubt that if I had known then what I know now. Shit. I want so bad to go back in time. To have done the right thing, and told Brian that I was having a problem with how things were.

But those are just dreams – wishes. I have learned that we don’t always get what we want. I know I haven’t that’s for sure.

Brian picks up my food and his own and takes them to the kitchen. I know that time is winding down – that I’m going to have to tell him something. Standing, I go over to the window and look out at the street below. I guess in a way, I’m trying to see Ethan. Because I know he’s got to be there – no matter how crazy that seems. Brian moves behind me, and stands off to the side, not touching, but close enough to help ground me. “What do you want me to say,” I ask him, still staring out the window.

I see Brian shrug slightly out of the corner of my eye. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Whatever you can tell me. But, I want to help, and for me to do that, I have to know.” I feel his hand lightly on my arm, and I smile slightly at him.

I look over at him, and I feel nervous. “How did you do it?” I catch Brian’s confused look, then see as recognition appears in his eyes. “I mean, I know what – basically what you went through, and I know that your parents… How do you do it?”

“I guess,” he begins with a slight shrug of his shoulder. “I know what I should’ve done. It would’ve made things a lot easier down the road.” I know what he’s talking about. If he had opened up with someone about the abuse he had experienced while growing up, then we might have made it. He might have been more open with me. “I don’t want you to be like that. You’re better than that.”

“I don’t know about that,” I laugh slightly turning back toward the window. “I don’t even remember why it happened, but I remember what happened. He said he was sorry, he was always sorry. Flowers, dinner, presents, music… everything. He used to say that it was because he just loved me so much. If I hadn’t … done something. It could’ve been something simple like he wanted white wine instead of red, or Wolfram’s water dish was empty and I hadn’t filled it. I always found a way to make him mad.”

Feeling cold suddenly, I wrap my arms around my body. Feeling Brian’s arms wrap around me, pulling me close to his chest, I feel slightly warmed and comforted by his presence. It makes me wonder why I ever left, why I ever doubted him. Just maybe he’s right in that it will help to talk about it – to let him in. I just don’t know. I don’t want to hurt him – I’ve done that enough. “I know it’s crazy, stupid to think that it was all my fault – but I can’t help it. I can’t help but think that if I had only been a better boyfriend…”

“Shhh,” Brian said pulling me closer to him. With his chin resting on my shoulder, he lightly kissed my ear. “It’s not stupid, Justin. I think it’s normal. But it wasn’t you… there was nothing you could’ve done differently. You were a wonderful boyfriend,” he said. I felt his small smile against my neck, and I couldn’t stop the chill that ran through my body. “Ethan has a problem, and it has nothing to do with you. Someday, I’m sure you’ll realize that it wasn’t your fault. It just takes time.”

“But, Brian…” I begin, but a knock at the door stops me from continuing. I pull out of Brian’s arms, and move closer to the window. I’m grateful in a way for the interruption. I’ve already said too much, but there’s something about Brian that makes me want to just tell him everything. There are some things that just have to be kept quiet… some things that I just can’t tell him.

Brian moves away and I hear him at the door. I briefly wonder what I am going to do now. I’m not ready to see anyone – hell I wasn’t ready to see Brian. How can I deal with anyone else? “What the fuck is he doing here,” I hear a voice say from the door. All I can feel is shock. The one person that I don’t want to see – well besides Ethan – is standing there. The need to run becomes so strong that I’m not sure that I can escape it. I can’t deal with HIM right now.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

Fuck! This is the LAST fucking thing that I need right now. Justin is finally beginning to open up, and already I can feel the change in him. I can feel him shutting down. Damn fucking Mikey! “It’s none of your fucking business,” I tell him, blocking his way into the loft. I don’t want him to get anywhere near Justin. I see Justin move from the window and make his way up the stairs to the bedroom. “Now, why don’t you just go, and I’ll talk to you later. And next time, call before you barge over here.”

“I was worried about you. I thought we were going to go out to Woody’s last night, but you weren’t there. Now I fucking see why… how long has that little shit been around? Are you fucking him again? Damn it Brian, after everything that he’s done to you, how can you,” Mikey starts yelling.

I push him further out the door, and step outside with him, shutting the door. “It’s none of your fucking business, Mikey,” I cut him off. “You don’t know what’s going on, and the last thing we need right now is you coming here making things worse.”

“Worse? Who the fuck cares, Brian? He left us all. He forgot all about our partnership… he fucked you over… I say he got what he deserved.”

I clench my hands and press them against my legs, hoping that I don’t reach across and beat the living shit out of him. I love Mikey… he’s my best friend. Mikey’s been there for me for a long time, and I’m not ready to give that up, not ready to lose him yet. But damn it all to hell, if I’m going to stand here and have him say that Justin deserved what he got. “You don’t know shit, Mikey. Leave it alone. Now, go. Before I do something that we’ll both regret.”

Mikey looks at me like I’ve just ripped a fucking comic of his. God he can be so immature at times – he’s still stuck in the past. “So you’re going to choose that fucking little shit over me? Is that it? No one is that good in bed.”

“Mikey,” I begin. Closing my eyes, trying to reign in the anger that I’m feeling right now, I turn away from him so I can go back to Justin. Justin is the one who needs me right now – not Mikey. The loft door opens and I see Justin walk out. “Where you going,” I ask as I see him heading toward the stairs.

“You and Michael need some time together. Thanks, for everything. I can’t thank-you enough. But I should be heading out,” he said standing at the top of the stairs.

I can read his body language, and it’s screaming at me to stop him. Walking up to him, I put my arms around his waist, and lean my forehead against his. “I don’t think so,” I say with a small smile. “I’ll talk to Mikey later; I think we have some unfinished business.” Raising my eyebrow a little, I look at him in the eye – telling him without words that I want him here. Telling him that if he walks out that door that I will be right behind him. Telling him that I’m not going to let him out of my sight again. I found him once, and I’ll find him again. There is no doubt in my mind about that. “See ya, Mikey,” I say as I pull Justin back into the loft and close the door behind us.

“You should talk to him,” Justin tells me, still wrapped up in my arms.

“Later. He’s not what’s important right now,” I honestly tell him. Slowly I lean down a little and lightly brush my lips against his. Pulling back, I look into his eyes – wanting him to know that I’m serious. “You’re what’s important. I’m not letting you go again. We’re stuck with each other.”

Justin looks into my soul, searching for the answers he needs. I only hope he finds what he needs, I can’t bear to see him walk back out that door. So I open myself up to him, letting him see what I can’t say – what I’m not sure I can ever say. After what seems like forever, Justin nods. “Okay,” he says, then pulls my head back down toward his own.

Touching his lips again, taking his tongue into my mouth – losing myself in the feel of him… I guess he found what he’s been looking for. I’m sure he saw what I’ve been wanting to tell him for years now.

I am sure he knows that I do love him, even if I can never say the words. I just hope I can help him heal.

*~*~*~*~*

Holding Justin in my arms again… hell I can’t even begin to describe what that feels like. I didn’t even know really how much I missed it until now. I don’t ever want him to leave. I wouldn’t be able to survive. We have a lot to talk about… to try and come to terms with. And it’s not just what Ethan did to him… no we have to deal with us. Yes, I admit… there is an ‘us’ – at least I want there to be. The only thing that I can hope for is that he will let me – let me show him that I have changed, that I am willing to give us a chance. Who knows how things will turn out, but I have a feeling that we will at least try. I feel like we’ll get through this. Who the hell knows anymore? I sure as hell don’t.

Justin was sitting beside me, his head on my shoulder and I can’t help but feel complete. Yeah, we have a hell of a lot to get past… and I still have to deal with our so called ‘family’, but right now, right here feels right. I feel bad about breaking up this serenity, but I have to know. I have to keep him talking. I only hope that Mikey’s visit didn’t ruin things for us. “What happened that last day?”

“What,” Justin asked from his spot against me. “Nothing.”

“Justin, I’m trying to understand. The only way I can do that is if you talk to me. How can I help you if you don’t tell me? I want to know,” I tell him.

“You don’t understand… You can’t,” he yells as he stands from the couch and makes his way over to the window.

I want to tell him that I do, at least in part… but it wouldn’t be entirely true. Yeah, my parents were worthless, and my father beat the shit out of me, but I don’t know what it was like for Justin. To have a lover… someone who you left another to be with, to have that person try and destroy you. Yeah, my folks often told me that they had wished I was never born, but to have a lover tell you that you can’t be with anyone else or he would kill you… fuck! It’s so overwhelming. “Then explain it to me.”

Justin wraps his arms around himself and shakes his head. “I can’t.” His voice is so quiet that it’s hard to hear him. I stand and walk up to him, wrapping my arms around him. “I don’t know if I can.”

“I’m here for you, Justin… you don’t have anything to be afraid of. I won’t think of you any different.” Then it hits me… that very well could be a big problem. Fuck! I knew that there was a reason why I’m not the best person for this. I should have realized it sooner. “Justin,” I begin turning him around so I can look him in the eye. “Listen to me. Nothing you can say will make me think any differently about you. Okay? Nothing is going to make me think any less of you.”

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

I’m not sure how much I want to tell him – hell if I can even begin to tell him what happened. Even though he SAYS he won’t judge me, he won’t look at me any different; I can’t help but have that fear. Of course Brian’s not the only one I have to deal with either. Ethan is still out there somewhere. There’s Michael, who never once had a good thing to say about me… and then there’s the rest of the gang. God, how can I even begin to face any of them? How can I hang out with Daphne… talk to my mom? Be all smiles for Deb? God, I wish at times that Ethan had just killed me. It definitely would have saved a lot of people a LOT of pain.

Turning away from Brian I just wrap my arms around myself and look out the window. I allow the darkness of the night to engulf me… embrace me. I wonder if someone can lose themselves in it… in the emptiness. I wish I could, I really do. “Things were okay for a couple of days… almost perfect. Like they were when I first met him,” I hear myself say. I didn’t even realize I had started talking until I heard the words echoing in my head. “I thought… I thought that the worst was over, that we could finally start something, have something. But then… then I was late getting home from school. I don’t know. I think I just became inspired or maybe I was talking to one of my professors, I don’t know.”

I turn to Brian and look at him briefly, giving him a small smile. “It’s strange; you know… what the mind remembers. I mean I can’t remember the Prom at all, except whenHobbs hit me… and this… fuck! I don’t remember exactly what I did, but I know it must have been big. Things… I had never seen him that angry at me before. He… I didn’t even get in the door before it started.”

I’m glad that Brian is giving me some space… I don’t know if I could go on if he touched me. Remembering that awful night… God, I never want to feel like that again.

*~*~*~*~*

September 2002

“Ethan, I’m home,” Justin begins to say as he opens up the door to the small, run-down apartment. “Sorry I’m late. You won’t believe what…”

The words died on Justin’s lips as his head was thrown back against the door frame. “Where the fuck were you? Huh? I hope he was good, Justin… I hope you enjoyed it.” With each sentence, Ethan slammed Justin’s head into the door frame again and again, using fistfuls of hair to help guide him. “I told you before, Justin – You… Are… Mine. No one else can have you. No one will ever want you. You’re a whore… a no good piece of trash.”

“Ethan, please,” Justin began to beg. His head felt like it was going to explode. Each time it connected with the solid wood, he could feel the anger and hate that Ethan had for him. His lover… his friend. God how could he hurt Ethan like this? “I know… I should’ve called… I’m … I’m sorry,” Justin cried. Tears flowing down his face, Justin tried to think of some way to get out of this… to make it up to his lover. “Please…Tell me what I can do.”

Ethan did not answer with words, only grabbing a hold of Justin’s hair and pulling the young man into the apartment, throwing him on the ground “You slut. I can’t believe that I put up with you. Please, Ethan,” he mocked. “Please… I’m sorry. It’s all lies!” Ethan began to kick Justin in the ribs. Powerful kicks one right after the other. Justin tried to curl up in a small ball, wanting to give Ethan a smaller target to hit as his ribs felt like they were on fire. He only wanted to get away… allow Ethan the time to calm down, but he couldn’t move.

Ethan kneeled down so that he was beside Justin, pulling his head back with handfuls of hair. “Why? I do everything for you. I love you, Justin… and this is the way you treat me? I expect you to give me respect… to listen to me… to have the fucking courtesy of calling. But no! You’re too busy fucking anything that moves aren’t you? You are nothing but a cheat. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

“No… that’s not true,” Justin tried as he began to feel Ethan’s fists connecting with his flesh. The punches were wild, hitting any open surface – face, arms, legs… no part of Justin’s body was untouched. “Please… I’m sorry. I love you. Please,” he begged. All Justin wanted was for the pain to stop – for Ethan to realize what he was doing and stop. It was never this bad, never this long. Justin felt Ethan’s hands working at his belt, and Justin felt a sudden fear run through him. “No!” He screamed as he tried to crawl away. “Ethan, don’t. I’ll never do it again… I swear.”

“You think I’m going to believe you … you fucking whore! You know you want it… you know you ask for it.” Ethan pulled Justin’s pants down and threw them across the room. “What? I don’t fuck you enough; you have to get it somewhere else? Is that it? Do you want to hurt me? You want to make me angry? Well I’ll make sure that you don’t let anyone touch you again. No one will ever love you the way I do.”

Justin continued to try and get away from Ethan. He needed to get away before Ethan did something that there would be no turning back from. He felt Ethan’s fist hit him upside his head, and one against his nose – shattering it. Justin couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t get enough air out of his lungs to call for help. Feeling Ethan above him, pushing into him – Justin closed his eyes trying to find some place deep within himself that he was safe; a place where he wouldn’t be hurt, a place where love was in every action, every breath.

Justin didn’t want to think about Brian, the one man he still loved – would always love. He didn’t think he could survive the thought of Brian betraying him like this… taking what wasn’t willingly given.

Once Ethan was finished, Justin crawled away. Finally freeing himself from the man he had thought had loved him… whom he had believed he had loved – Justin curled up into a ball in a corner. “You aren’t even worth the effort anymore. I try and I try, Justin. I really do. Why do you honestly believe that someone else can give you what I can? You know I love you, but you still go out and fuck some nameless faces.” Justin didn’t say anything. He only wanted to disappear – vanish from that small apartment. “Unless,” Ethan began walking back over to where Justin lay “Unless you’re fucking him? Is that it? While you’re working with him, do you let him fuck you? Are you that much of a slut that you would let him touch you? That you would let him destroy what we mean to each other?” Ethan lifted his fists and started to hit Justin again. Always making sure that there was no inch of his body left untouched. “How can you betray me like this?”

“I didn’t…. Ethan I swear… I didn’t,” Justin quietly tried to explain. He felt the blood drain down his throat, filling his lungs. His vision began to blur as his eyes started to swell. He couldn’t breathe due to the broken and mangled nose.

“Understand this, Justin. If I can’t have you… no one will. I will find Kinney… I will find him and kill him. Do you understand me? I will kill that piece of shit, and where will you be? Huh? Who will love you now?”

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV – Present Day

“I don’t remember much after that… I think I blacked out.” I look over at Brian, and take a deep breath. The weirdest thing is, during this whole thing – I’ve felt nothing. I should feel sick, shouldn’t I? I don’t know. All I know is that I feel nothing. Yeah, I can feel the wetness on my cheeks, but I haven’t felt anything in the way of a real emotion. Fuck that scares the hell out of me. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes. “When I woke up, he was asleep. I just walked out, never to return again.”

Looking up at Brian I can see the tears in his eyes, the pain in them. I can see the guilt, the sadness deep within his hazel eyes… but the thing that I see most of all… the thing that scares me the most. I see love. I see love in his eyes, and I don’t feel anything. I can’t breathe… I can’t. Oh god, what’s wrong with me? “Bri?” I see Brian look deep into my soul. “I’m scared. I’m really scared. What if… What if I can’t feel anything? What if I can never feel love again? What if….”

“Shhhhh. Don’t think that, don’t ever think that,” Brian tells me pulling me into his arms. “Don’t let Ethan win, Justin… don’t let him win. We’ll get through this. Okay? We will, you have to trust me.”

I can only bury myself in his arms. I don’t want to think. “I don’t know how,” I tell him. And it’s the truth. I don’t know how to trust anymore. I trusted Ethan, and look how that turned out. I trusted Michael and he betrayed me. What do I know about trust?

“Then we’ll work on it together. Let me show you. We’ll get through this together. I promise.” I let his words sink in. I want to believe him. I want to believe in something. I only hope that he can teach me again. Teach me how to feel… to trust… to love again. I hope to god he can.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

All I want to do right now is walk out of that damn door, and kick the living shit out of Ethan. No, scratch that… I want to kill the little fucker. Just holding Justin right now… knowing that he’s alive at least makes me feel a little better. But God, how I want to hurt the shit. I know it’s not everything, but for now… for now I’ll just leave it. I don’t need to know anymore. Hell, I’m not sure I WANT to know anymore. My imagination is going full force as it is. “You tired,” I asked Justin. He must be after that. I know I am, and I wasn’t re-living it like he must be. He nods his head briefly and I lean him into the bedroom. Justin lay down on the bed, and I pulled the duvet over him. “I’ll just be over here, okay?”

“Stay… Please,” Justin asks. I feel his hand on my arm, and I slowly move so that I can lie down beside him. I felt his head down upon my shoulder, and I sigh. “What if Ethan finds me, Brian? What if…”

“I’m not going to let him near you, Justin. I promise you that,” I whisper. I lay my chin on top of his head, and just hold him. I can only hope that he can take some strength from me, because I know he needs it. Hell, he’s done it enough times for me it’s time I return the favor. “Why did you stay inPittsburgh? Why didn't you just go somewhere else where you could be safe?”

I know the answer I want to hear… the answer that I wish was true, but I won’t get my hopes up. I would like to think that he stayed because of me, because he knew I would be looking for him. I know it’s stupid, but what else can I do? I feel Justin shrug slightly, and let out a small laugh. “I didn’t have any money to get a ticket out of here. That and I kind of left my wallet at Ethan’s.”

I put that little bit of information in the back of my mind… something to check on later. “Do we even know if he’s still here? We should make sure. I mean he might have left.”

“I doubt it. With school, and … well since he didn’t win the competition, I think he’d just hang around here.” Justin added quietly. “I tried to keep track of him… I guess I didn’t really want to be caught unprepared.”

“Have you seen him sense that day,” I ask, praying that he hadn’t.

“From a distance,” he told me. “I saw him coming, and I … I ran. He didn’t see me, I just sort of hid in a dumpster.”

We just sit there for what seems like forever, neither one talking and breaking the silence. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. I feel complete. Who would’ve thought that just having Justin here with me could make me feel this way? It’s comforting to know that he’s here. To know that he’s safe.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

The peace didn’t last long, although I wish it had. I wish that I could just go on like nothing happened… like it was before, but it seems that everything is working against me. Now the only thing I feel is the need to run. Run as far away as I can. Ethan knows where I am… thanks to a so called friend. God, I can’t believe that Michael went and told Ethan. Yeah, okay, so he might have ran into him at the store or something and said something, but it hurts. It hurts like hell.

All I know is that Ben came by the loft, and informed Brian and I that he had seen Michael and Ethan talking in the street. He wasn’t sure what was being said, but he wanted to warn us just in case. I just have this feeling that Ethan will show up here. There is no doubt in my mind. So while Brian is distracted with Ben, I sneak out. The farther away I can get from here and Brian the better off everyone will be. After everything that Brian has done for me, I can’t put him in jeopardy like this. I can’t let Ethan hurt him.

I know that Brian thinks that he can handle things, that he can protect me. But he’s wrong… he can’t protect me.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

I can’t believe that he left. I turn my back for a second and he’s gone. I didn’t even know that he left. I need to talk to Michael, find out why he talked to Ethan. Yeah I know that Michael doesn’t know what is going on, and I know that he’s upset that Justin was here, but damn! I am sure he didn’t mean anything by it… at least that’s what I hope. I don’t want to think that he did this on purpose… that he is vicious enough to do that. But then again, what the hell do I know.

All I know right now is that I have to find Justin. I have to get to him before he completely disappears. I found him once and I’ll be dammed if I lose him now. So I just leave Ben at the loft the moment I notice him gone – telling Ben to talk to Michael and find out just why he did what he did. Justin was no where to be seen when I arrived at the street, so I start looking in the alleys near-by. He couldn’t have gotten far, I mean it had only been a couple of minutes tops.

Before I can reach the corner, I spot him on the other side of the street. He’s moving fast, so I run to catch up with him. It’s hard to try and run with no damn shoes on, and no coat, but I wasn’t about to stop long enough to put those on. So what if I catch phenomena as long as I get to Justin before he disappears again. “Justin,” I yell out. He turns toward me and starts to run down the street. That little shit! Luckily, I’m in better shape than he is, and I catch up with him quickly. “Will you fucking stop for a second?”

Justin tries to rip his arm out of my grasp, and I’m not letting him. “Let me go, Brian.”

“So you can do what… run again? Hide? Where are you planning on going, Justin? You can’t hide forever. You have to face this someday. Why not now,” I tell him. Frankly, I’m freezing my ass off, but I’m not going to let that stand in my way. If I let him go, he’s gone, and I’ll never see him again. I know this for a fact. “Now, can we please get out of this cold and get somewhere warm. It’s cold as fuck out here,” I try to joke.

Still holding onto Justin’s arm, I pull us down the street and back to the loft. He walks beside me the entire time, not trying to get away again. I grateful that he’s coming willingly, since I don’t think I want to try and explain why I have this guy slung over my shoulder while I’m half dressed. Oh yeah, that would be interesting. Fuck me! Once inside the loft, I close the door behind us.

Justin is just standing there in the middle of the room, not moving at all. So I walk up behind him and begin to pull his coat off his shoulders. “Take off your coat, stay a while.” I tell him quietly.

“You should just let me go, Brian. Ethan knows I’m here… you know he’ll come here. I just know it. I can’t…he’ll try and…” Justin tries to say through some deep breaths. It seems like he can’t breathe, he’s practically hyperventilating. I put my hands on his shoulder, trying to help ground him. “Michael… fuck! Please let me go.”

“Look, Justin.” I begin as I walk around him and bend down so I can look him in the eye. I can see his eyes darting around the room, wide with fear. “He’s not here. Neither is Michael, okay? I won’t let either one of them to get near you. You’re safe here… safer here than out on the streets.”

“You don’t know that. He … he said he’d kill you! I can’t…” Justin began as his eyes started to water, and fall down his cheek. “Please.” He begged.

I pull him to me, and wrap my arms around his small frame. “I don’t know what Mikey was thinking, but I’ll take care of that, okay?” Oh there is no doubt in my mind that I will be taking care of Mikey. What in the hell was he thinking? I knew that he disliked Justin, but to tell Ethan that Justin was here. I need to find out more about this. I need to know why he did that. Okay, now I know that it could very well be innocent. I mean the last any of us knew, Justin was living happily with Ethan. But shouldn’t he be happy that Justin and I were at least talking? It wasn’t like he caught us fucking. I’ll need to check this out, dig more into this.

However, I can’t think about Mikey right now. I have more important things to worry about. Ethan knows that Justin’s here, and that’s what we have to deal with now. I pull away slightly from Justin and put my hand on his chin so I can look at him. “Justin… I won't let anything happen to you. I swear.”

“I'm scared, Brian. I don't know what to do.” Justin stated looking up at me. He’s looking at me, hope in his eyes wishing that I could do something to change this. If I could, I would turn back the clock and make this all disappear. I would make sure that I keep him here with me. I never would let him go. But I know enough to know that I can’t change the past. It’s done, over with.

“Yes you do.” I tell him. I know what needs to be done, but I just have to convince Justin that it is the only way. Of course it’s not like I really trust the cops to do a damn thing about it, and it’s not really an answer, but he needs to try and put this behind him. He needs to start too at least.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

I don’t know, that’s the thing. Brian seems to think I know what to do, but I don’t. I’m so confused that I don’t know where I can do, what I can do. All I know is that Ethan knows where I am at. He knows… thanks to Michael’s big mouth. I know that Brian thinks that Michael didn’t mean anything by it, but I can’t help but wonder.

I mean it was Michael who told Brian about Ethan and I. Yeah, it was wrong of me, I know that. After everything that Brian had done for me, I snuck around behind his back and didn’t tell him. But I would’ve like to have thought that since – to me at least – Michael and I were friends he would talk to me about it. Tell me he knew and let me deal with it in my own way. Well, however it turned out, whoever told doesn’t really matter. The fact is I cheated on Brian, and that’s that. Nothing I can do about that.

Now the thing is, I’m scared.

Totally terrified.

Why? It’s simple. There are a lot of reasons why. First off there’s Ethan. He’s out there, and he knows where I am. He knows where to find me, and I just know that he will follow through with his plan that no allow anyone else to touch me. He never wanted me to tell anyone anything about what he was doing. He told me that if I told anyone he would kill me, and they would never find my body. Now… fuck how many people know?

So how can I do what Brian is asking me to do? Yes I know… It hits me like an anvil. It’s the most logical thing to do… but I just can’t. Ethan knows where everyone I care about lives. He KNOWS! He would come after them if he can’t find me. Could I live with myself if he hurt one of them? I know I can’t. I can almost guarantee that the police won’t do anything. Ethan can charm the pants off of anyone, and I just know that he will tell them that it’s all a lie and they will just drop it.

It’s not like they really care about anything dealing with us. They don’t care about us, they just want us all dead. I learned that lesson the hard way withHobbs. They didn’t do shit with that, and they won’t do shit with this. It’s just the way of things. We’re fags… we’re useless… slime. Fuck me.

I want to believe… I want to believe that they will do something, that it will all work out and Brian and I can get on with our lives. But I’m realistic. Shit like that only happens in TV or in fairy tales. “Justin.” Brian says, trying to get my attention. “I’ll be there with you. Every step of the way. You have to trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“You know they won’t give a rats ass about this, Brian. It won’t stop Ethan. It’s just two fags, beating each other up.” I tell him. I lean against the pillar in the middle of the loft and wrap my arms around me. Suddenly, I feel so cold. “They didn’t do shit withHobbs… they won’t do anything now.”

Brian comes up to me and places his arms across my shoulders and leans in to rest his head against mine. “This time can be different, Justin. I know someone… he’ll make sure that something is done. Mel will, too. You have to trust that things will work out… you have to trust me.” I close my eyes, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to spill out of my eyes. I want so much to believe him. I really do. “Do you trust me?” He asks me.

I open my eyes and look directly into his. I know I can lose myself in his hazel orbs. God, he’s beautiful. I know that he wouldn’t hurt me, he never would. Okay not intentionally, not physically, but I know that he would do whatever he could to protect me. “I trust you… that should never be in doubt.”

“Then trust that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, that I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that you’re safe.” He said with a small smile.

I reach up and run my hand around his neck, slowly pulling him closer. The need I feel for this man – the love I have for him – is so strong I feel like I won’t survive unless he’s there beside me. I want to feel him; I need to feel something beside the pain of loving someone. That’s all I felt with Ethan… pain. I loved him. I did – at least at first. Then I lost that, a little bit at a time each time he hit me. I need to feel what love should be like.

Am I ready? I doubt it… I don’t know anymore. But I want to. I want to put this behind me… I want to start fresh. Feeling his lips on my own, lightly pressing against mine – I am beginning to remember what it’s like.

Brian pulls away, eyes closed, and I can see he’s trying to compose himself. “Justin.” He breaths against my lips, as his hands move to lightly cup my face. “I can’t. We can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to, cause I can tell you that I want nothing more than to make love to you… when you’re ready.”

There’s the thing. While a part of me is hurt – thinking that he doesn’t want me, that I’m just now tainted. But I know that that’s not it. I KNOW he wants me… if the hard-on pressing against my leg is any indication. And the thing I know about Brian is that if he didn’t want me, he would fuck me. But the knowledge that he is willing to take a step back, to give me time means more to me than he will ever know. It means that he really cares, he loves me enough to NOT make this just a release.

“Can you just … just hold me?” I ask. Brian rolls his lower lip into his mouth and nods. He reaches his hand out to hold mine, and leads up toward the bed. We lay down, with his arm holding me tightly against him. I feel safe… safer than I have felt in a LONG time.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

I feel Justin’s breathing evening out and I know that he’s asleep. He needs it. Hell, I don’t even think that he has gotten much sleep in the past couple of months. I am grateful that he didn’t say anything about us not making love. It’s too early, for the both of us. I’m not ready for that, and I know for sure he’s not. He’s been through too much to just jump into anything now. He needs to heal.

Plus I don’t think I’d survive if he turned away from me again. I’ll understand, but it still hurts. It hurts knowing that I caused him pain, of any sorts. It hurts that he would be uncomfortable with me. That’s what would hurt the most. I won’t push him, but I won’t let him push himself either. When he’s ready, we both will know. Now is just not the time.

When I know he’s in a deep sleep, I carefully reach over and grab the phone. “Carl.” I say when I hear him pick up. “Do you think you can come by the loft?”

“What’s the problem?” Carl asks.

“Justin’s here and we need your help.” I tell him. I know he knows all about Justin since Deb hadn’t been quiet about Justin’s disappearance. He’s heard all the details… well everything we know.

Carl tells me that he will be there shortly, and I hang up the phone. I’ll let Justin sleep a little longer, before I wake him. I know that it will be hard on him… telling Carl everything, but it needs to be done. Do I really think that a protective Order will work? No, but I want him to feel a little safer. I know that if Ethan even looks at Justin wrong, I’ll kill the little fucker. There is no doubt in my mind.

Now Mikey… he’s a different matter all together. He and I will meet, and when we do… I don’t know exactly what I will do, but I can say it won’t be pretty.

It’s almost an hour later when Carl knocks on the door. I pull out of Justin’s arms and open the door. The only problem is that it’s not Carl gracing me with his presence… its Ethan. “What the fuck do you want?” I snarl.

“Get the fuck out of my way.” He says with an evil grin. “I came to talk to Justin…it’s nothing that concerns you.”

“Like hell it doesn’t!” I reach across the threshold and push him against the wall. “You stay the fuck away from him, do you hear me? You’ve done enough damage, and I won’t let you get anywhere near him.”

“Are you threatening me?” He asks. The little shit is purposely trying to egg me on, and all I want to do is beat the living shit out of him.

“Brian, don’t!” I hear come from inside the loft.

“Justin, just stay in there. This little shit was just leaving.” I tell him without looking back.

“Brian, please. He’s not worth it.” Justin begs. I can hear the tears as they catch in his throat. “Please!”

I have to close my eyes to block everything out. I can’t let Justin get to me… I can’t let him stop me. I hear someone come up the stairs, and someone call out to me. “Brian!”

I look over and see Carl standing next to me and feel his hand on my arm. “I want this fucker away from me. He’s to NEVER come near Justin again. Get him out of our faces… out of our lives.” I tell Carl still with my body pressing Ethan to the wall.

“He threatened me, Officer. He’s keeping me from talking to my boyfriend. He kidnapped him.” Ethan told Carl, and I can see the challenge in his eyes. “Isn’t that right, Justin? Tell them.”

“Justin,” I begin. “Don’t let him intimidate you. He can’t hurt you.”

“Lies… I would never hurt Justin. Tell them, Justin.”

Carl turns to look at Justin. “Justin?”

I turn around so I can look at Justin. I don’t like what I see. Justin’s sitting on the floor in the middle of the loft, arms wrapped tightly around his knees – just staring at the scene here in the hallway. I release Ethan and move so I can kneel down next to Justin. “Justin.” I say quietly. “Justin, you have to tell Carl. We can’t stop this unless he knows.”

“Justin.” Ethan’s voice comes from behind me, and I see Justin flinch at the sound of the fiddler’s voice. “Why don’t we just go home now? Brian has been filling your mind with lies. It’s time to come home.”

Justin’s head pops up and he stares at Ethan, then his eyes immediately lower. I see him nod his head and slowly unwrap his arms. “Justin, you don’t have to go with him. I told you…we’ll protect you. No one can end this but you. Only you can take the step. Only you can end this. Don’t let him pressure you. He can’t hurt you now. You can end this.” I tell him.

He looks up at me, and I see him slightly nod his head. I hate that he’s so ‘obedient’, that he feels that what he wants is not important. “It’s up to you, Justin. If you want this to end, you can. If you want to go back with Ethan… I can’t stop you. But I think we both know what will happen. Do you want to live like that? Do you?” I ask him gently. “It’s your choice… you’re life. Take it back.”

I see the light start to shine again in his eyes. It’s dim, but it’s there. He needs to feel like he has some control, and I want to make sure he gets that. Even if I don’t like his decision… it has to be his. He needs to feel in control. I know.

“I’m staying here.” Justin says loud enough for Ethan and Carl to hear. You can hear the fear in his voice, but he is making it clear what he wants. “I’m staying here.”

“You’re coming home, Justin. If you know what’s…” Ethan begins, letting his anger get the best of him. I hope he says something in front of Carl. “You were told, Justin. You know.” He hisses the threat evident in his voice.

Carl grabs a hold of Ethan and makes sure it’s tight. “Alright, that’s enough of that. Justin told you he was staying here.”

“Let me go, you fucker!” Ethan yelled trying to get away from Carl. I see him look directly at Justin, and I put my hand on Justin’s arm letting the young man know I’m here for him. I’m not letting Ethan get any closer. “You know what will happen.”

“No.” Justin says, his voice sounding a little stronger than before. “I’m not going with you, Ethan. It’s over. Do you hear me? I’m never going with you. I never want to see you again! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Carl looks over at Justin, making sure he still had a firm grasp on Ethan. “Did he ever hurt you, Justin? Did he threaten you?”

Justin looked over at Carl, trying to avoid looking at Ethan at all. “Yes.” He tells the detective. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders with his confession. I’m so proud of him… more than I have ever been in my life. I watch as Justin slowly stands and takes a step toward Ethan. “How did you find me?” Justin asked. We both know how he knew, but I think that Justin wants to know the rest. Hell so do I, but I don’t now if I want to believe a thing he says. “What did you say to Michael to have him tell you?”

“I didn’t have to say anything to him. He knew that we belong together, Justin. You don’t belong to Brian. He’ll only hurt you.” Ethan tells us.

“Maybe” Justin says quietly. “But he’d never hurt me like you have. He would never… never do what you did. He would never threaten me. He’s not you.” Justin turns and walks back toward the bedroom. He turns before he reaches the stairs and looks at Carl. “What will happen now?”

“Do you want to press charges?” Carl asks.

“Would it do any good? Would this stop?” Justin asks.

“There’s no guarantee, but I can tell you that he won’t come near you again. We can make sure you’re protected…as best as we can.”

Justin nods then turns back toward the bedroom. “I want to do it.” He says over his shoulder. As I watch him climb into the bed and wrap the blankets around him, I can hear Carl take Ethan away.

As Carl stands by the elevator and looks at me as I start to pull the door closed. “I’ll need him to come down to the station to file the complaint.”

I look at Carl and nod, letting him know that I will get Justin down there in an hour or so. I want to be sure that Justin doesn’t have to face Ethan again. After closing the door, I turn back toward where Justin in. He’s taken the first step… he stood up to Ethan. Now everything else can fall into place. He can start to heal.

I’ll be there for him every step of the way. No doubt about that. I won’t let him go through this alone. We’re in this together. Time will heal the scars… things will get better. He just needs time, and that’s something I have plenty of.

*~*~*~*~*

Brian’s POV

It’s been two months. Two long and painful months for Justin and I. Fuck, I’m beginning to wonder if things will ever settle down. Since the day he came back into my life, everything has just been turned upside down. I’m not blaming him… not even close. I’m blaming it all on two people. Two people worked hard to destroy our lives, and they almost succeeded.

Thankfully Ethan is in jail, awaiting trial. I couldn’t thank Mel enough for making sure that little shit didn’t get out on bail. Luckily we found a sympathetic judge… nothing like that shit who letHobbs off. Now all Justin and I can do is wait. Wait for word on when the trial will be. Mel told us it could be months from now since the courts are so backed up with cases. The DA isn’t too bad. He wants to be sure that Ethan gets what he deserves, which I’m grateful for. Of course I’ll believe it when I actually see it with my own eyes.

Justin… well he’s holding in there. We’re slowly making progress. He’s agreed to see a shrink, and try and work past everything that happened. Hell, I even go to some of the sessions.

Let me tell you how angry I get every time I sit there and hear what that little shit did to him. Maybe I need to work through some of my own issues, my own anger problems. Fuck! I try not to let Justin see, but I know he can tell. Maybe that’s why he flat out told me I am NOT to go anymore. I can say he is getting better. The little shit is getting bossy. It’s good to see him standing up for himself.

I’m so fucking proud.

Mikey… fuck, what can I say about him? I can tell you I haven’t seen him since a couple days after he came to the loft. I can’t even stand to be in the same room as him. He told me that he wasn’t sorry he told Ethan. He told me that Justin was better off with him, and that Justin doesn’t belong with us anymore. He never did. Of course when he mentioned something to the extent of how I should have left Justin dead on the garage floor… I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I decked the fucker.

Of course everyone is mad at me, but I just can’t be bothered with it. Either they will get over it, or they won’t. I can’t worry about it. Justin is what I have to concentrate on now. Mikey and I are over… all those years we’ve known each other (are) gone. I can never trust him again. He forced me to choose between him and Justin and he lost.

The thing is… I’m not the least bit sad about it. Mikey made his bed, let him lay and rot in it for all I care.

Granted, some of the others are slowly coming around. Ben told them what happened, but I’m not sure if they are listening to him either. After this mess, Ben wasn’t sure he knew Mikey anymore. He left him not long after.

So it’s just the three of us, I guess. Well, four if you count Daphne. We’re alone in this world, and I actually feel good about it. I don’t have to pretend with any of them, and it feels good.

Tonight, I had promised Justin a night out on the town. Just the two of us. This will be the first time since this whole mess started that he’s actually agreed to go… well agreed without too much pushing on my part. It’s almost like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. I’m thrilled to see that his sessions are working out for him, that it’s easing his pain and guilt.

I walk into the loft after work, and drop my briefcase on the kitchen counter. “Justin?” I call out.

“Hey,” He says from the couch. “How was work?” He asks.

“Same ol’ shit” I tell him as I make my way into the bedroom to change. Even though I am happy that his sessions are working, I can’t help but wish that things were easier for the two of us. Yeah, I know, sex isn’t everything. But damn! I can still see times when Justin will stop what he’s doing and wonder if it will piss me off. He is still so afraid that I will hit him like Ethan did. I guess there’s nothing I can do really to stop it, but I’m doing my best to prove to him that I won’t hurt him.

I guess the thing I miss the most is just holding him. It seems that since he started seeing this shrink, he’s pulled away slightly. Yeah, he’ll let me hold him when he’s tired, or upset, or just sound asleep… but it’s just the casual shit that I miss. I miss walking in the door after a bitch of a day and have him jump into my arms and hold me tight. I miss his kisses, the taste of his skin… the look in his eyes.

It’s getting better, but we’re a long ways away from getting back to that. It will take time, I know that. I know what he’s going through, and that’s the only reason why I actually understanding where he’s at. I know what it’s like to be a victim… I know basically what he’s going through. I won’t let him down. I care about him too much to do that to him.

So I wait. My hand is my friend…my stress relief. Fuck, I’m pitiful.

“You ready?” I ask him as I make my way down toward the couch. I look over his shoulder, and I can feel the smile start to burst onto my face. Justin’s just sitting there, with a pad on his lap – sketching. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that. He was telling me once that he was afraid that Ethan would take it away from him. “That’s good.” I tell him honestly. Justin only shrugs and puts the pad down. It still amazes me how unsure he is of his drawings – not realizing just how good he is. Just another thing that Ethan took away from him.

It makes me wonder what Ethan really did to him. I know only some of the shit, but not all. It’s not like Justin tells me everything that happened during that time – he’s just afraid that I will have Ethan killed or something. Somehow, I don’t doubt that. The thing is… what’s going through my mind – what I THINK happened is just so far out there that I already want to kill the fucker.

Of course the last time I thought my belief was worse than reality I was wrong. Go figure. So that scares the shit out of me. A huge part of me doesn’t want to have my belief taken away from me. I don’t want to believe that it was worse than what I imagine. Sad, I know.

“Ready?” Justin asks me as he stands from the couch and stretch.

Seeing his slim frame like that – seeing him so at ease – sends an instant message to my groin. I must be a saint… that’s all I can say, cause all I want to do is take him right there. But I’m not Ethan, and I am not going to do anything unless he wants me to. We did this before and I survived, we can do it again.

“Let’s go.” I say following him out the door. I don’t really have much planned for tonight – just dinner, really. Hey, give me a break here. It’s not like I’ve ever really been on a date before.

Shit! I think it just hit me. I’m actually going out on a date. What the fuck!? But looking at Justin… I know that it’s right. This is what I want to do. I want him to feel safe – loved. I want him to know that I’m willing to give this a shot, cause those months without him almost killed me. I can’t live without him again. I don’t even want to try.

Justin stops at the top of the stairs and looks over at me. “Brian?” He begins bringing his thumb to his lips and bites on his nail. The last thing I want is for him to be nervous, but I don’t want to feel like he can’t tell me things – that I’ll run away if I don’t like what he says. Or worse yet, that I will beat the shit out of him if I don’t like what he says. “We’re going to be okay, right?”

At that moment I just want to take him in my arms, and I do. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t cringe at my touch. I know things will be okay. Just that one little move, that one little act of trust from him and I’m gone. I’m never letting him out of my sight again. I can almost feel the tears form behind my eyes, but I hold them back. It’s hard, trust me. But he has just given me the greatest gift ever – his trust. “You better believe it.” I tell him. My voice cracks slightly, and he looks up at me – his smile lighting the entire hallway.

Oh yeah… we’re going to be just fine.

*~*~*~*~*

Justin’s POV

Life… living life to the fullest. Well I’m trying. I really am. These past couple of months have been hell for me – okay so the last couple of years have been hell. But things are finally, FINALLY starting to look up, and I have Brian to thank for at least part of it.

Brian’s been amazing through all of this. If I had any doubt about how much he loved me… these past couple of months have thrown those out the window. He’s been wonderful. I couldn’t ask for more – I don’t think I have ever loved him more than I do now.

The DA called today, wanting to go over the testimony. It’s hard – telling people what happened, what I allowed to happen. I still feel, at least a part of me still feels like it was all my fault – like I asked for it. I don’t know when that feeling will ever really go away, but I’m trying. I just don’t know how I can actually sit up on that stand and tell everyone what he did. Especially with him sitting right there in the same room with me. But I will. I have to.

It’s time for me to start living my life again, to start to move past this. I have to testify, and close that chapter of my life forever. I can’t have Ethan run my life anymore.

I do feel bad in a way though. I feel partly responsible for the mess that Ben and Brian are in with the gang. I feel – even though it’s not – like it’s all my fault. I have always known that Michael didn’t like me, that he hated what I represented, what I had and (what) he didn’t. But I never thought that he would take it as far as he did. Brian is pissed. He can’t believe that his best friend had told Ethan where I was.

Michael even boasted about it, and I think that was his biggest mistake. I didn’t see Brian hit Michael, but I heard about it. Hell, it’s hard to miss everyone’s hateful comments after the fact. I guess that was the beginning of the end of the tight-knit group.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that Lindsey wasn’t allowing Brian to see Gus. Mel feels that since Brian would punch out Michael that he would be a threat to Gus’ safety. They are slowly coming around – especially after hearing the reasons why, but it’s slow. I’m just glad that they are letting us see Gus, even if it has to be in their presence.

Deb… well she’s upset at Michael for what he did. I think that her and Vic have been two of our biggest supporters… well along with Ben and Emmett. Deb refused to even talk to Michael after she found out the truth… okay so it took a couple of weeks, but still. At least she came around. In the past week she has been bugging Michael to seek help, to get past his hatred of me, and his infatuation with Brian. That’s just the way she is, and I’m glad that she’s there for us now. I just wish that things had turned out differently – that sides didn’t have to be taken.

Will I ever be able to forgive Michael? No. There’s no way in hell I’d ever be able to do that, but I do wish that Brian could have his friend back. I do wish that their friendship wasn’t another victim in this mess. But then again, it’s not up to me. It is Brian’s choice to not be friends with Michael, and I can’t interfere with it.

I love Brian, and I am falling even more in love with him everyday. He has been my rock, my everything. People think that he’s just this asshole who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself – who only cares about sex… well they are wrong. If they could see him now, and how he’s been with me these past couple of months – hell, the entire time we’ve known each other, they would be shocked. No one knows Brian like I do – they never will.

Dinner was wonderful. He took me to a small restaurant. Nothing fancy. No high price meals, no classy waiters… just a quiet, peaceful little dive. It was the best date I have ever been on.

Okay, so it’s not like I have much of a track record when it comes to dating and dates, but to me… it was the most romantic thing in the world. It’s something I will never forget.

Now, we’re just simply enjoying a quiet night out. Who would have ever thought that Brian would actually willingly take a walk in the park at night? Just holding hands, talking about meaningless shit… I am in total heaven.

Brian of course is shocked at the whole ‘touching’ thing… I haven’t been real receptive about that these past couple of months, but he’s been great with it. I still find myself wondering if the shoe is going to drop, and he’s going to get pissed at me for something. I always wonder if he’s going to just get tired of me… maybe even hit me… but he doesn’t. He won’t. Brian isn’t like that, and I’m slowly learning – well, relearning – that he is the kind and caring man I know. I am slowly starting to open up to him more.

In fact two nights ago, we even got into an argument. So I really shouldn’t get happy about getting into a fight with Brian, but to me… fuck it was the best thing. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. I felt safe enough to voice my opinion… to tell him what was wrong, to yell. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. I felt alive! For the first time in over a year I felt like my old self – the young man I was before Chris Hobbs.

I think Brian was happy about it too. The next morning I woke to breakfast in bed, and a huge smile on Brian’s face.

Oh yeah, I’m getting back to normal. It will still take some time before I’m ready to get back to normal in many ways, but it’s getting there. I think that if Brian and I take things slow… if we take things one step at a time, then it should be alright. I’m not ready to make love to him yet… I don’t know when I will be, but I want to reach that point again. I want to be able to be with him fully again. In time I know I will.

I just hope that it won’t take too long. I hope I feel safe enough that I don’t have to make him wait too much longer. I want to get to that point that when I close my eyes I don’t see Ethan… feel Ethan. It’s getting there, but it’s not enough. I never want to put Brian through what I did that first night I was home after the bashing. When we had started and I pulled away. That hurt him, I know it did. I never want to do that to him again. Never.

So I swore to myself that I would take it slow, that I wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t ready for. Luckily, Brian agrees. I don’t know if he’s seeking relief elsewhere or not, but to me… it really doesn’t matter. I don’t think he is, but in a way I hope he is. I don’t like to think of him suffering because of me. Stupid, yes, but that’s the way I feel.

When Brian said that we would make it, that we would be okay… I believed him. We’ll make it work, somehow. There’s too much at stake not to. We’re going to do things right this time, and not take anything for granted. We both agree that if we have something to say, we will say it… if we want to know something we will ask. NO more of this bullshit we went though that got us to this place now. We only have each other, and we have to be willing to make sacrifices for one another. Give and take… that’s what relationships are all about.

I pull on Brian’s hand, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk on the way back to the jeep. I can only lose myself in his eyes as he turns to face me. I know I can trust him… I can be myself with him and he won’t hurt me “Ready to head back?” He asks me.

“Yeah… but first…” I begin. I look down at our hands, and take a deep breath. Smiling, I look back up at him and take a step closer to him “Thank-you. For everything. For understanding, and just being there. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.”

“Justin, you don’t have to thank me. I’m not doing this to get your gratitude.” He tells me.

And I know it’s true. I know he’s not. “I know, but I had to say that. I also wanted to tell you… well, I wanted you to know that … I love you, Brian. I love you more each day.”

Brian leans down so our foreheads are touching. “I know. I… I ah…”

“I know.” I tell him, letting him off the hook. He doesn’t have to give me the words… his actions have told me. I hear him loud and clear. Brian Kinney loves me, and there’s nothing that will change that. “Things will be like they were before. Someday I’ll be ready. I just wanted you to know that it’s not that I don’t love you.”

Brian smiles slightly then just looks deep into my eyes. I guess he saw what he wanted because he leaned down and lightly placed a kiss on my lips. God, I can’t tell you how much I have missed that. It wasn’t demanding… it was just… well it was more passionate than the most heated kisses we’ve shared. I guess it’s the new us… the new openness we have with each other. I don’t know really, but I can tell you that that one kiss sent me reeling. I felt the tears glide down my cheek, and I smile to let him know that they are not sad tears.

“I know.” He whispers against my ear as I wrap my arms around him – holding him close. “And someday I’ll be able to say what you need to hear… what I want to tell you. We’ll get there, Justin. We’ll get through this. Together.” Brian pulls back slightly and wipes the tears from my eyes. “And it won’t be like it was before… it will be better. Forward… no looking back.”

And I know we will. No matter what is thrown our way, we will survive. We will get through things, and we’ll be stronger. “No looking back.” I repeat. No, all we can do is keep going forward… keep walking this path. Never look back. The past is in the past, and once the trial is over with we can truly start on OUR life together. On us.

No looking back. I like the sound of that.

The End