Ten…
Title: Ten…
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 2269
Rating: NC17
Beta Queen: BigJ52
Story Summary: How much life can change in Ten Minutes, Ten Hours, Ten Days, and Ten Years…
Story Sub-plot: Countdown to the Best Christmas Ever…
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…
Chapter Summary: Justin gains insight into how deep his husband’s feeling for him go…
Ten...
Part 5 - Epilogue: Reflections of Ten Days of Darkness, and Years of Waiting…
Justin’s walking towards the bathroom when he kicks a box they brought home from the hospital and finds Brian’s journal.
Brian finally finds a way to put his feelings into words, but it’s not all happy talk.
Day 1: Ten things I never told him…
He’s the single most important person in my life.
I loved having my own personal stalker.
I loved how persistent and determined he was.
I loved that he could read me unlike anyone I’ve ever met.
I love how innocent he was that first night.
I love that he was strong enough to stand up to his dad.
I love that he didn’t put up with all my shit, that he called me on it, and often.
I love that no matter how much I pushed him away, he always came back.
I love the way he smells, from the mango and kiwi shampoo, to the coconut lotion, mixed with a little pot and the smell of our sex still clinging to him.
I love that he can still be hungry after coming from dinner at Deb’s and proceed to eat a carton of Ben and Jerry’s without gaining an ounce
Day 2: Ten things I never told Him, but I think he knows…
I’ve loved him from the first time I saw him under that streetlight.
I was so proud of him when he was accepted at Dartmouth and Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts.
He’s the smartest person I know.
I missed him desperately when he was in Los Angeles.
I was so jealous when he won the King of Babylon contest.
I dreamed of taking him raw, almost as much as he dreamed of me taking him raw.
I lied about the fact that if I moved to New York that I wouldn’t miss him, wouldn’t remember him, that I didn’t love him.
I pushed him away because I didn’t believe that he could really love me… Me… Not the Stud of Liberty Avenue.
I’d do anything for him, be anything for him, just to prove to him that I love him.
I die a little inside each time he leaves me.
Day 3: Ten things that I never told him, that he should have already known…
I fell in love with him that very first night.
I pushed him away, even though I never really wanted him to go.
A part of me died when Jennifer asked me to leave and never see him again.
All my rules and mantras were bullshit.
I was really just a scared little boy who was desperate for love.
No matter what happens between us that I’ll always be there for him…
I got jealous when I saw him with other guys.
I was scared to death that he would get himself killed when he was out with Cody and the Pink Posse.
A part of me died that night I watching him leave the Rage party with Ian.
I’ll never stop loving him.
Day 4: Ten things that I never told him, that I should have…
He’s the only man I have ever loved, always has been, always will be.
When he was gone, I always called out his name as I came with other tricks.
The reason that I canceled our trip to Vermont was that I had to prove myself to Gardner Vance or lose my job.
I should have warned him about the type of man Sap was.
When he was with Ian I hired a professional who looked like him, that I paid to dress like him….That I couldn’t get hard until I was dead drunk and thought it was him.
It broke my heart when he said, “Thanks for asking but the answer is no.”
I never wanted to cancel our wedding.
I wanted him to ask me to go to New York with him, but he never did.
I’m still scared that I’m going to fuck this up and he’ll leave me and never come back.
I never sold Britin and I’ve never gone back there after he left for New York. It’s still just sitting there now empty, after five years.
Day 5: Ten things that I told him, that I regret…
I don’t believe in love.
He’s nothing to me; he’s not my friend, not my lover, that’s he’s nothing to me.
I wouldn’t miss him, or I wouldn’t remember his name.
Love is just something straight people tell themselves so they can get laid.
He should check back with me in an hour and see if I found someone better than him, or not. God, I was such a bastard.
I wouldn’t go to his prom with him, that I didn’t want to be with a bunch of fucking eighteen year olds.
I didn’t believe in celebrating birthdays or anniversaries, only accomplishments.
He needed to go to New York to become the next Picasso.
Why didn’t I believe in him enough and tell him he was great just the way he was - here with me.
If I don’t see him again for a week, or a month, or a year, or never again, that it’s only time. What a load of shit.
Marriage was an imitation heterosexual union that by its very nature is doomed to fail.
Day 6: Ten things that I told myself that I regret…
I don’t need anyone.
I don’t believe in love, I only believe in fucking.
I’m not in love with him.
It’s only time.
He’s better off without me.
He’s only going to leave me anyways, so it might as well be now.
I didn’t deserve to be loved by someone like him.
He wasn’t coming home from Los Angeles, he wasn’t coming home to me.
He was never coming back from New York, he was never coming back to me.
I could never be what he needed me to be.
Day 7: Ten things that I would change if I could…
I would have prevented Chris Hobbs from attacking him.
I would have bought him those damn red roses the night of his birthday instead of putting them back.
I would have accepted his invitation to the prom proudly and protected him, instead of pushing him away.
I wish I hadn’t put him in danger of getting an STD.
I would have told Michael and everyone else that he was my boyfriend. I should have stood up for him and not let Michael put him down all the time in the beginning.
I would have gone after him when he left me for Ian.
I wish I would have visited him in California when he was working on Rage.
I would have told him about my cancer, and asked him to come with me when I had surgery.
I would have told him that I loved him, that I would go on loving him even after he was gone. Because I did, I always will.
I would have married him instead of letting him leave me, again.
Day 8: Ten things that I miss the most when he’s not here…
Finding his wet towels and dirty clothes on the bathroom floor.
Picking up all his dirty dishes from around the loft.
Complaining about him eating cookies and chips in bed.
All the wonderful smells, flavors, and tastes he creates for me in the kitchen.
Finding sketches of me he’s drawn on large sketch pads right down to tiny pieces of scrap paper.
Waking up with him sleeping with his head on my chest, drooling.
Coming home and finding him painting, completely oblivious to all the paint spatters on our beautiful hardwood floors.
Waking up with his mouth wrapped around my big beautiful cock.
All the little squeaks, squeals, moans and sucky noises he makes when we have sex.
HIM… all of him, his deep blue eyes, his big bright smile, the way his breath catches when he starts to get excited. The way he throws himself into my arms when I come home from work, but most of all just knowing that he still loves me. Hopefully.
Day 9: Ten things I want him to know about me…
He’s the only one I want to share my life with.
He knows me better than anyone, better than I know myself.
I need him, even if I don’t show it.
I’m trying, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
I think of him first, even if I don’t say so.
I worry about him, but I’ll never tell him.
I need him to need me, but I’m sure he doesn’t.
I want him to want me, but I don’t deserve him.
Every day I pray that he’ll stay one more day.
If you die on me you little twat, don’t you know I’ll just follow. I’m so fucking sick of you leaving me.
Day 10: Ten things I’m feeling ~ When I’m feeling down…
Where would I be if I never met him under that streetlight.
Somehow, it is my entirely fault that this is happening.
I’ve never been there for him when he needs me.
He’s better off without me.
He deserves someone so much better than me.
I’m so scared I’m losing him.
What if he wakes up and doesn’t remember me.
What if he wakes up and does, and just doesn’t want me.
What if he never wakes up.
What if I just slit my wrists… Would that be Ridiculously Romantic?
~~~~
Justin’s POV
I’m sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor wearing only a Santa cap, shaking and crying while I read Brian’s journal. I started keeping a journal when I went to L.A. I was so lonely and it was a way for me to reflect on my feelings and ground me in my future. I always encouraged Brian to keep one as well but he never did. I guess that’s why I was so surprised when I found his. I know I shouldn’t have read it; I’d die if he read mine. Of course he would never do that, unlike me who didn’t think twice about invading my husband’s private thoughts.
I’m so surprised, and freaked out by some of his entries or declarations of love for me, and scared by others. But I should have expected that. After all my husband’s the most honest person I know, except with himself.
There’s so much he never told me, so many things he never said. I’ve hurt him so badly, I should have known. I should have seen it in his eyes. I used to be on to him, but I lost that for a while. It’s funny because he’s the strongest person I know, and he’s also the most insecure person I know.
I can’t believe how much time I wasted running to and from him. I can’t believe that he never wanted to call off the wedding, that just sends chills down my spine. And Britin’s just been sitting empty, for five years… And he just waited for me, to find my way back home again.
I’m crying again when I see the door open and he sticks his head in. He’s so worried about me. He sees the leather-bound journal but doesn’t say anything. He reaches down with his hand and helps me up. Once I’m in his arms I simply say, “I can’t believe that you never sold it.”
He just says, “It wasn’t mine to sell. I bought it for you, a palace for my prince…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You never asked, you never mentioned it again. And I don’t do well with romantic gestures. They always fall flat.”
I say, “That’s not true, as I nod towards the most beautiful Christmas tree I’ve ever seen.”
It’s early, about five o’clock in the morning. It’s Christmas morning. He has so many gifts of all sizes and shapes overflowing from every corner of the loft, it seems. But the greatest gift is the one I stole a glance of between the leather covers of his journal. If it takes me the rest of my life I’m going to make it up to him. I’m going to erase any doubt and insecurities he has about me, us… I’m on to him… Again…
Ten Weeks Later…
Brian’s POV
I come home from work and there’s a tux hanging on the closet door, and my heart skips a beat. I look up and see him sitting at the computer and I ask, “What is this for?”
He simply smiles and says, “You’ll need something to wear when they honor you at that dinner Friday night, or were you planning on going with your other boyfriend?”
I smile, and say. “I didn’t know you knew about that?”
He says. “Well I wouldn’t expect that Mrs. Remsen called and wanted to know if you were wearing a tux or not? She was so excited about the dinner. She thinks that this is a great opportunity for giving back to the community as well as promoting Remsen Pharmaceuticals and Kinnetik.
He just looks at me and says, “You’re building a “Closed Head Injury Unit” at Allegheny General?”
I try and tell him it’s not that big of a deal. It’s a great tax write-off… And well, there’s so many twinks falling down and bumping theirs heads. I just thought I'd give them a soft place to land.
He’s already launched himself into my arms, kissing me all over my face, neck and chest as he tells me, “You really are fucking amazing….”
“Yes, I am.”
