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Author's Chapter Notes:

Nathan really does think today is a step forward in his career and in his relationship with Justin.

“He is so hot.”

 

Nathan forces himself not to bitch about Petra’s constant gushing. He’s been close friends with her since he returned to New York City when he was eighteen years old. He was barely making ends meet and lived with four other people in some shit hole in the Bronx. He had worked at a hole in the wall restaurant six days a week. It hadn’t been the ideal job but his boss had been a pretty decent guy and would even let him out early on sunny days if he was in a good mood. Whenever he wasn’t working or sleeping, he played the same guitar his mother bought him for Christmas at different parks throughout the boroughs. He couldn’t afford much else and had been saving money up for a higher quality model. He kept his case open for the extra cash and it helped him get by.

 

That is, until Petra started performing.

 

At least twice a week, they would end up playing in the same place at the same time and it had totally fucked up his finances for a while because, if she staked out the more populated area, she would be the one getting the tips. One of them ended up getting screwed over depending on where they sat and they ended up wasting time if they decided to leave and find another place to perform. It didn’t help that they had similar sounds. It was such an unlikely scenario since they were in New York so it really pissed Nathan off at the time.

 

It wasn’t until one strangely deserted Tuesday morning in Battery Park that they actually hit it off.

 

Nathan remembers strumming along quietly and humming out a tune on the spot. He had needed to fill his time in some way since no one was passing by but somehow he became so lost in the tune that he didn’t even notice Petra sit down with her own guitar. He only noticed her when she started singing and strumming along. They had sounded so good together that Nathan didn’t even stop playing. The duet routine ended up working. They almost tripled their cash later that day, split the money between them, and played together ever since. They got a few gigs and some studio time, which had been nice. They decided to form a full-fledged band and recruited Sebastian and Nadia over three years ago. Despite how impatient Nathan felt when it came to getting a decent record deal offer and wanting more recognition, they hadn’t done that badly for their ages. They got good gigs regularly and made okay money. However, they had been stagnant in their progress within the last year. It had been frustrating and disheartening. They all still felt passionate about music, but it was hard to keep going when they weren’t gaining more recognition and not moving up.

 

So Nathan was thrilled that something was finally going their way. He felt honored and proud of the band and he couldn’t wait to see what this opportunity brought them.

 

He just wished it had been presented to them by someone other than Brian Kinney.

 

“God, the things that I could do to him!” Petra groans as she tosses her head back. Nathan is so fucking grateful that Brian is out of earshot. Brian getting an ego boost is the last thing he wants right now.

 

“He’s old,” Nathan points out. And he’s not wrong. Brian is twenty years older than him and eighteen years older than Petra. He’s almost ancient.

 

“He’s not old,” Petra corrects as thinks of a more suitable label, “He’s…distinguished.

 

“I think I can see a gray hair from here,” Nathan exaggerates as he squints.

 

“You can not,” Petra laughs as she lightly slaps his arm, “And even if you could, I would still fuck him.”

 

“Petra, I’ve told you this before: Brian’s gay.”

 

“I can turn on the charm so well though. Maybe that charm is just strong enough to seduce him,” Petra jokes. At least Nathan thinks that she’s joking. Knowing her, she might not be.

 

“He’s engaged.”

 

“But not married.”

 

“He has two kids.”

 

Two? God, Nathan. Why did you have to ruin my fantasy?” Petra pouts as she gets up from her seat in the theater.

 

“It was fleeting and doomed to fail. Someone had to bring you back to Earth.”

 

Petra sighs, “I suppose you’re right. God, Justin’s lucky. He got to fuck both of you.”

 

“Seriously Petra, shut up,” Nathan grits out.

 

Petra rolls her eyes and hops onto stage to tune her bass. He takes a few seconds then follows her up and makes sure everything is in order with the instruments. Everything has to be perfect. If they have to play all of the songs in the show only after a week of rehearsal just so Brian Kinney can nitpick and decide which songs will be the most effective for promotional appearances, then he is going to make sure that the man has barely anything to complain about.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuck, how can one man be so intimidating?

 

Brian has been scrutinizing all of them throughout the show they were giving him. He supposed Rebecca had the most to be concerned about, considering she was the star of the show, but she was also pretty prevalent on Broadway so she was more confident and sure of herself when it came to scrutiny. Nathan managed to ignore him and get lost in the music while they were playing. But as soon as they finished the last song, his palms started sweating.

 

Brian wrote a few notes down, slipped the small notepad in his pocket, then approached the stage and lifted himself up onto it with ease. Slowly, he studied each of them.

 

“You’re all fucking good. You are aware of that. ‘Midnight Revolver’ needs more work, so you probably won’t be ready to play that in two weeks. Pity, since that’s the most powerful song.”

 

“Two weeks?! I thought it we didn’t have to worry about press junkets until the first of April!” Rebecca exclaims.

 

“You won’t be doing any interviews and the big stuff won’t come until then. But you will be performing as the band portrayed in this show much sooner than that. I have you booked at the Bowery Ballroom for a set on February 27, then a set on Saturday at the Mercury Lounge on February 28th. You’ll begin and end with a song from the show. In between will be a mix of The Accidental Natives and a few songs off of your EP, Rebecca. You just need to fill up 45 minutes. ‘Illuminate’ and ‘Radio’ will probably be the best ones to go with right now. As soon as ‘Midnight Revolver’ is up to par, I suggest you play that.”

 

“Isn’t this a bit much though? The show doesn’t even go into previews until May,” Rebecca points out.

 

“Oh, you’ll probably do fine without it. But this is about attracting the locals to your show. They seem to have an aversion to Times Square. This is an original way to reach out and connect with them in a place they go to relatively often. Word will spread and soon you’ll have people fighting at the stage door for tickets. I have you doing sets at different venues every Friday and Saturday until the end of March. I have you in hidden gems and I have you in highly regarded venues. You’ll be performing in every borough at least once, but half of your sets will be in Brooklyn. There’s a high percentage of young and artistically inclined snobs who hate anything that could possibly be considered mainstream. But if you come to them and they like you, you bet their asses that they’ll come to you and say, ‘I knew them before they were popular.’ That’s something they love to throw into people’s faces. Now here’s an itinerary.”

 

Brian hands them each a packet. Nathan takes his and starts glancing through it. Some of these places are venues he could only dream of performing in, due to them being so selective. He has no idea how Brian did it.

 

“Now as for the performances, both before during the promotional period and for the actual show, you all need to ooze sex. You are all young. You’re all hot. The majority of people will want something to look at, along with the lovely set design. Nadia, wear your hair in loose curls. Die a streak of it Ultramarine. Sebastian, use some hair gel and wear a tighter shirt. Rebecca, show more cleavage and use more eye shadow. Petra, wear a shirt that shows your stomach. And Nathan,” Brian says as he comes over to him, “You’re pretty toned. I can tell. Lose the shirt and wear the leather jacket. Unbuttoned and unzipped. I don’t give a shit how cold it is.”

 

Their director Jeff speaks up at that point.

 

“Brian, all those ideas are fine but I need to talk to the costume, hair, and makeup department about-“

 

“About how they need to be even less modest when it comes to the actors in this production.”

 

Brian turns to the cast and stares them all down.

 

“If you were doing a show about jazz or folk or fucking swing music, I would tell you to class it up. But you are supposed to be fucking rock stars. Be sexy. Don’t give a shit about class. You need to be forward and raw and in your face with your audience. I am selling a product and that’s you and your show. So don’t be afraid to show off and use your appearance to your advantage. You are all talented but looks can only help when it comes to entertainment. Go through Midnight Revolver again. That’s the one you have to play when you do the double decker bus performance so it needs to be perfect.”

 

With that, Brian hops off the stage and sits in the second row. Nathan keeps eye contact with him through the whole song.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nathan gets his stuff together, gets his coat on, but then instantly starts worrying about Justin. He had been so busy that the fact that Justin’s dad was in town went into the back of his mind after they started rehearsal. It’s probably for the best that it had. He had been worried when Justin left this morning and, now that he had his phone back on, he could see that Justin didn’t return the text that he sent him right before he got to the theater.

 

He could wait until he gets back home but he’s worried. He knows how strongly Justin feels about whatever is going on with his relationship with his father so he decides to give in and call him before he gets on the train.

 

“You’ve reached Justin Taylor. Please leave your name and number and I’ll return your call.”

 

“Hey, babe. Just wanted to see how things were going. You didn’t return my text and it’s 6 pm now. Hope to see you when I get home. Love you.”

 

Nathan hangs up and ten minutes later he gets a text back.

 

Sorry, just turning my phone back on.
Saw you called. I was at a movie.
Going to go out to dinner now. I don’t feel
like cooking. I should be back at the
apt by 8. Love you too.

 

Nathan reads the message and is more than curious than ever about what went on today. He expected Justin to be closed off after meeting with his dad, no matter how the meeting ended up going. He had prepared himself to come home to an emotionally distraught Justin or a monotone ‘I’m going to bed early’ Justin. He prepared himself to come home and not find Justin at all and he would have understood if Justin went to his studio to lose himself in one of his paintings. He didn’t expect Justin to go see a movie.

 

He could offer to go meet Justin but Justin hadn’t mentioned it in the text so Nathan doesn’t want to come off as pushy. He might need time to himself so Nathan would wait until he and Justin were both home and settled in. They really have gotten closer in the last couple of weeks since officially getting an apartment together so he feels that Justin will be more apt to open up.

 

Nathan walks out into the lobby and sees Eric and Lily waiting for Brian. Despite his stubborn resolve to not become best friends forever with Brian, he actually does like Eric. Eric might possibly be the nicest guy he’s ever met and has been nothing but sweet and welcoming to Nathan the few times he and Justin had gone out with them or when they all met up with Emmett, Drew, and Duncan. He wouldn’t mind becoming friends with him so Nathan walks over to say hi.

 

“Hey, Eric! You here to meet Brian?”

 

Eric turns around and spots him, “Hey! Yeah, I just relieved Lily’s after school nanny. So now we’re here to meet him for dinner. How did rehearsal go? Brian didn’t load you guys down with too many appearances, did he?”

 

“If Nathan wants to get famous, I’m doing him a favor,” Brian interrupts as he comes up close behind Eric.

 

Eric jumps at the sound of his voice, “Jesus Brian, you scared me.”

 

“Daddy!” Lily squeals as she rushes towards Brian and hugs his leg.

 

Brian grins down at the little girl, picks her up, gives Eric a kiss, and says, “I didn’t know you were coming to meet me.”

 

“We thought we’d surprise you, it being Friday and all. Lily’s taking us out to eat. Her treat.”

 

“Papa, I don’t make money,” Lily reminds her father.

 

“Fine, Lily’s being stingy so it’s my treat.”

 

“Even though we’re going out tomorrow for that wretched holiday? And here I thought you were insistent on cooking at home more often.”

 

Nathan sees Eric shrug, “We’ll start next week, I swear. You know it’s your fault for moving us to one of the restaurant capitals of the world.”

 

“I’m not complaining.”

 

Eric turns to look at Nathan, “Nathan, are you hungry? You can come with us if you want.”

 

Nathan glances at Brian and can’t read how he feels on Eric’s offer. It doesn’t really matter anyway. As hungry as he is, he’s had his Brian Kinney fill for the day and, more importantly, he wants to check and see how things went with Justin and his father.

 

“Thanks for the offer but I told Justin I would be home soon. I think he might be making dinner,” Nathan fibs.

 

“Alright, well some other time then,” Eric says with a smile.

 

“Sounds good. See you all later,” Nathan waves.

 

“Bye Nathan!” Lily says just a little bit too loudly.

 

Nathan goes out the stage door and heads to the first train he’ll need to take to get home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

After Nathan gets off the L, he makes the short walk to their new apartment.

 

They didn’t move that far from Nathan’s old place. They did end up getting a two bedroom instead of a one bedroom. They bought a fold away wall for the the spare bedroom that had bookshelves attached and a bed that could be folded out if they had a guest. It was the best decision to get that rather than a regular double bed. Nathan kept his instruments in there and Justin had an easel and some supplies in there in case he didn’t feel like going to the gallery to work in his studio. They were planning to install a small work sink in there for Justin to use. It looked like the situation was really going to work out for them. The place had more space, the extra room served as a decent rec room whenever Nathan needed to practice or Justin wanted to work on his art. The only guest they might have for more than a night would probably be Molly so that’s the only time the room’s other purpose would need to come into effect.

 

It had only been two weeks, but he loved his new home. He loved living with Justin and coming home to him. He loved being able to make love to him whenever the lust arose and he loved that they could just be together as a couple. They talked things out better, they had become more affectionate. He finally felt comfortable and secure. All he wanted to do was come home to his boyfriend and see how he was doing

 

Despite Nathan not knowing about how Justin was doing after meeting with his father yet, he found himself excited to see him. Fuck, he was more lovesick than ever.

 

Maybe Justin is excited to see him too, since he’s opening the door before Nathan can even stick his key in the lock.

 

“Hey,” Justin says as he walks right outside their door and closes it behind him.

 

“Hey,” Nathan answers back, a bit confused, “I thought you were going out to dinner and wouldn’t be back yet.”

 

“Dinner...it didn’t happen. Something came up so I’ll call for take-out,” Justin says as he waves a hand.

 

Justin takes his hand and leads him downstairs out their building’s door. They stand out on the stoop in the cold and Justin stays quiet as he seems to be lost in his thoughts.

 

Nathan can immediately tell something is off. He wants to ask what’s going on and battles with himself on whether or not he should bring up Craig Taylor. Before he can decide, Justin brings him down for a soft kiss. It’s filled with need, pain, and confusion. He stays there and returns the kiss for as long as Justin needs. Justin does end up reluctantly pulling away and brushes his forehead with his.

 

“What’s going on? You seem sad. Does it have something to do with your dad?” Nathan asks him as cups his cheeks.

 

Justin nods and lets out a sigh.

 

“He do something to you? Did he say something that upset you?” Nathan presses, worried about what happened between Justin and Craig.

 

“He didn’t do anything to me. He didn’t say anything upsetting, at least not when it came to me.”

 

“Then what happened?” Nathan asks, concerned.

 

Justin looks so fucking troubled and it’s making him so worried.

 

“Justin, come on. You can tell me,” Nathan gently coaxes him.

 

Justin breathes out and then he finally tells Nathan what happened.

 

“I was purposely late to meet him. I let a few trains pass and eventually forced myself to get on. I was almost a half hour late and he probably thought I ditched him. He was still at the restaurant when I met him though. But I know that the fact I was so late didn’t help his nerves. He didn’t say anything about it despite that and I sat down with him. He was trying really hard but it was hard for me to sit there and listen to him and I made some underhanded remarks. I noticed he was acting funny. He was shaking and rocking a little in his seat. His breathing was erratic and he was making quiet humming noises. Finally I asked him why he was acting like that and he tried to say he was fine. I grilled him about it. Asked if he was sick or if he was on drugs. I knew I was making him more distressed but I had to know what was going on.”

 

Justin takes a breath to calm himself.

 

“He just kept trying to change the subject and eventually I got up and told him I was leaving. He grabbed my wrist and begged for me not to go. I turned around and saw that he was crying. Fuck, Nathan, you don’t know him but the man’s not a cryer. I sat down and asked him what was wrong and he just cried and started saying that he didn’t know over and over. He was rocking back and forth and had his arms crossed. Finally he told me how he’s been feeling. All the stuff that he told me just doesn’t match up with the father who raised me. He’s so fucking lonely and depressed. He ended up sobbing and breaking down right there at the table. I could tell he was trying to keep himself from doing it but he couldn’t hold it in anymore. I won’t get into our conversation. It was between us. But he managed to pull himself together enough to tell me his change in opinion on gay people and eventually settled down. There’s something seriously wrong with him. Fuck, I went in there planning on making the brunch as quick as possible. We didn’t even eat there. I sent the waitress away when she came with the food because of the state he was in and paid her after my dad calmed down. But I couldn’t just leave him after that happened, even though he was expecting me to. I ended up walking around with him for the rest of the day. I took him over to a Halal cart and he got us lunch. We sat in the park for a while and then went to IFC to see a movie. They were showing Lambert & Stamp, that rock documentary, so we went to see that. He was way too quiet and subdued to be normal but at least he seemed relaxed enough.”

 

“After we got out of the movie I suggested we go get some dinner. I should have just taken him to somewhere in the area but I figured it would be nice for him to see more than just the village and I haven’t been to Atrium in a while. It’s close to the water so I thought he would enjoy seeing the skyline from Brooklyn. I took him to the train station so we could catch the A train and things were fine before we went down the stairs. But it was still rush hour, it’s a major station, and it was really crowded. I could tell something changed after he went through the turnstile but I wasn’t thinking. People were rushing past and the place was packed. All of the sudden he wasn’t beside me and I looked around and found him fucking terrified. He was gripping his hair and could barely stand. He ended up having a full-blown panic attack. Logically, I knew what it was but I never associated it with him. I haven’t had one in years and they weren’t even close to being as intense as the one he was having. The ones I’ve seen you have weren’t even as horrifying as the one I saw him have tonight.”

 

Justin takes a moment to catch his breath and calm himself down before he continues. Nathan rubs his arm in concern and waits for Justin to gather himself.

 

“There was a cop nearby. He was nice about it and could tell that my dad was having a meltdown and a panic attack. He asked me if he should go up on the street and call an ambulance but my dad was shaking his head and begging him not to so the cop just stood in front of us to keep people from coming too close. The panic attack hadn’t passed but I figured he needed to get out of there so I led him upstairs and eventually got a cab.”

 

Justin stifles a sob and Nathan puts his arms around his neck.

 

“Justin…”

 

“I-I couldn’t just have the cab drop him off at his hotel. I don’t think I could even leave my worst enemy in a state like that. He could barely walk right, the attack was so debilitating. I had to keep an arm wrapped around him because he was so unsteady. His attack was still going on while we were in the cab. I brought him here and he’s in the living room. It finally passed fifteen minutes after we got back. He’s embarrassed but he’s so fucking exhausted that he hasn’t even been able to try to brush off what happened. I know it’s probably weird for you that’s he’s here but I can’t send him back to his hotel tonight, not in the state he’s in. Maybe he’ll feel better tomorrow but he’s such a fucking wreck that I don’t feel good about leaving him by himself while he’s here. He’s not in his right mind and it’s scaring me-”

 

“Justin, don’t worry about making me uncomfortable. God, don’t worry about me at all right now. It’s fine. He can sleep in the spare room tonight or until whenever you feel okay with him going back to the hotel.”

 

“I’m fucking pathetic, huh? Talking about how much I resent him but wanting to take care of him almost as soon as I see him.”

 

“No, you’re not pathetic. You have a big heart, that’s all. It’s a good thing. He made a lot of big mistakes when you came out. It’s not going to be something you get over automatically, even if he is remorseful. But I know you. You aren’t going to let him suffer like this. I’m not going to be annoyed that he’s here, especially if he’s in the state you say he’s in. It’s okay. I want to help you and that means helping you help him.”

 

Nathan brushes a stray tear off of Justin’s face and kisses him. Justin lets out a quiet and desperate noise and clings on to him.

 

“Thank you,” Justin mumbles, “For wanting to be here for me.”

 

“We’re partners. Where else would I be?”

 

Neither of them have actually said the word “partner” before. To Nathan, it seemed reserved for couples who were practically married and living together. Justin seems a bit surprised that the term came out of Nathan’s mouth. But Nathan won’t take it back. They’re living with each other now and have been together for two years. They’re partners.

 

“I’m going to head up to the apartment. You can introduce me to your dad and we’ll all agree on a restaurant to order from.”

 

“Okay. How did rehearsal go?”

 

“It was fine. I’m not going to be around for Friday and Saturday nights starting in the next couple of weeks though. Brian has us performing in these really great venues to get the locals talking. Then we’ll really start promoting and I’ll be working even more.”

 

“Not to mention practically every day once the show starts,” Justin adds, a strange combination of bummed but proud.

 

“You’ll just have to come see me often then,” Nathan suggests as he kisses Justin’s cheek.

 

“You know I will.”

 

Together, they go back up the stairs to their second floor apartment. Nathan unlocks the door and Justin takes the lead by going inside first. Nathan follows him and sees the man who must be Justin’s father sitting on the couch. Justin was right. The man looks absolutely exhausted. His eyes are open, staring at nothing and look haunted and empty. It’s disconcerting to say the least.

 

“Dad?”

 

Craig turns his head to look at Justin and tries to give him a small smile but doesn’t quite manage.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“I-I…” But Craig doesn’t seem to know how to answer Justin’s question.

 

“Okay. I want to introduce you to someone,” Justing says placatingly.

 

“Alright.”

 

Justin clears his throat and turns to Nathan.

 

“This is Nathan. He’s my boyfriend. He lives here with me.”

 

To Nathan’s surprise, Craig slowly gets up. He’s shaky but manages to walk over to him.

 

“It’s...It’s nice to meet you Nathan. Justin says you’re a good guy,” Craig offers as he holds out his hand.

 

Nathan accepts the handshake and offers the man a welcoming smile.

 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Taylor. We were going to order some food. You have any preference on what you want?”

 

“Please, call me Craig. I’m not feeling so well. You boys go ahead and get what you want.”

 

“We’ll narrow it down to a few places and we’ll get you something in case you want it later. Eating a good meal might make you feel better.”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Nathan gently takes Craig’s arm and leads him back to the couch.

 

“Here, let’s sit down.”

 

Craig looks at him oddly but hesitantly sits down and Nathan does the same. It’s hard to bring up a safe and neutral topic. He doesn’t know much about Craig. Justin tried not to talk about him much. This is also a man who could possibly be mentally ill and very depressed , not to mention racked with guilt over the stale relationship with his son. Even if Nathan brings up a topic seemingly non-confrontational, like Craig’s store, he could easily upset him if it brings back a negative memory.

 

“Are there any places in the city you want to see that you haven’t yet? I know you just got here this morning but I figure you’ve been here before since Pittsburgh isn’t that far.”

 

Nathan knows he’s being more friendly than he would usually be, especially since he is talking to a man who hurt Justin so badly in the past. But he’s suffered panic attacks for over half his life. He knows how much the major ones can take out of you. To have one in public can be absolutely humiliating and mortifying. And the way Justin described the attack, it sounded intense and all-consuming.

 

“I’ve been here several times. I just wanted to see Justin,” Craig mumbles honestly while looking down at his feet.

 

“I know, but you have to fill up your time with him somehow. This one tends to drag you place to place, all day and all night. He exhausts Molly unless she insists on creating the itinerary. You might want to give him a few places so he is forced to limit his options a little,” Nathan tells him as he looks up and winks at Justin.

 

“He was always like that. Even as a little boy. Jennifer and I took him to Disney World for the first time when he was five and he had us all over the place. Woke us up at 6 am each morning, demanding that we get up so we could get started on the next park,” Craig chuckles, lost in the memory.

 

“It sounds like he hasn’t changed one bit.”

 

“I’m glad. He was always such a good boy.”

 

Nathan glances over at Justin and, as soon as he does, he wants to jump up and hold him. It’s hard to see Justin so choked up and not do anything about it. But he can also tell that Justin doesn’t want how he’s feeling to catch his father’s attention so Nathan gives him an out.

 

“Justin, why don’t you go to the bedroom and get on your laptop so you can look up a restaurant on Grubhub? I’m sure Craig isn’t a picky eater. Find him something that will still be good if he heats it up later,” he quietly tells his partner.

 

Justin sniffles and nods then quickly heads to the bedroom. Nathan turns to Craig and starts up the conversation again.

 

“You should ask him to take you to a few art museums. He can go to all of them over and over again and never get sick of them. I appreciated art before I met him but the passion he has just sucks you in. He knows so much about all of it and can sit there for hours just looking at one painting if you let him. When he talks about it, you can’t help but listen. He makes it sound so interesting and you find yourself wanting to hear what he knows and what his opinion is on a certain piece. He owns a gallery close by too so you should ask him to show you it. It’s a great place.”

 

Craig meets his eyes and nods.

 

“I want to get him to talk to me about things again. It’s been such a long time. Going to places he enjoys will be a good way to meet him halfway. Thank you, Nathan.”

 

Nathan feels himself becoming a bit bashful under Craig’s sincerity so he looks away and shrugs.

 

“What is it that you do?” Craig asks him, genuinely interested.

 

“I’m a musician. I have a band but also do music for television to pay the bills. Our band has a following but we hadn’t made progress for over a year so that had been disappointing. But we recently got cast in a rock musical on Broadway. I just came back from rehearsal.”

 

“That’s fantastic. It’ll help you get more recognition. I’m happy for you.”

 

“Thank you. That means a lot,” Nathan says to him, surprised at the praise.

 

There is a silence between them. Nathan looks down and can see that Craig’s hands are shaking. Despite being alert enough for a conversation, Nathan can tell he didn’t just perk up after he walked in. He’s obviously suffering the aftershocks of his attack and it’s taken a toll on him.

 

“Do you need anything? Water, ginger ale, crackers? My stomach bothers me sometimes after I have a really bad panic attack.”

 

Craig stutters, gets wide eyed, and blushes, “I-I’m fine. You shouldn’t have to go to any trouble.”

 

“It’s okay, Craig. I know how shitty they can be. Your head hurt? I can get you some Aleve.”

 

Craig hesitates but ends up nodding so Nathan walks to the bathroom and gets the Aleve out of the medicine cabinet then gets a glass to fill with water. He goes back to the living room and puts the glass on the coffee table, then puts the tablets in Craig’s hand.

 

“Here. It’ll make you feel a little better. It’s PM so it will help you sleep too.”

 

Craig shakes his head, “I can get some at CVS once I get to my hotel. I don’t want to get drowsy and overstay my welcome.”

 

Nathan raises an eyebrow.

 

“You really feel up to taking a trip back to Manhattan after what happened? When I have a panic attack, it sometimes wipes me out for the rest of the day. I had one when I was a teenager that lasted a few hours once. It was so bad that I thought I was going to die. It scared me. It eventually passed but I was exhausted. Justin and I think it’s best that you stay here, at least for tonight. We have a spare room. It has my instruments and some of Justin’s supplies in there but there’s a bed that folds out. You won’t be overcrowding us or anything.”

 

But Craig keeps shaking his head.

 

“I don’t think Justin will like it if I stay. He’s put up with me all day and I’m sure I embarrassed him so much with what happened in the station and at the restaurant. I’m sure he told you what all happened if you know about the panic attack. I don’t want to bug him by hanging around when he doesn’t really want me in New York in the first place. I’ll be okay. Maybe I can see Justin in a couple of days.”

 

“It was his idea that you stay here. He’s worried sick about you. He’ll be a lot more at ease if he can keep an eye on you.”

 

“I don’t-”

 

“Just give up and take the pills.”

 

Craig looks at him to try to find a catch but actually listens to what Nathan says and downs the Aleve with the water.

 

Nathan sits down next to him again and looks over toward the hallway. Still no sign of Justin. He must be really worked up. Or doing that thing where he browses Grubhub for over an hour before actually ordering something. It bugs the shit out of him when Justin does that. It’s already bad enough when he has to wait almost an hour for his food after putting in the order but then he has to add the time that comes with how indecisive Justin can be before he finally confirms their meals. Like, sometimes Nathan is really hungry and he just waits and waits for Justin to pick a place. It’s hard with 92 restaurants delivering to them but-

 

“Why do you have panic attacks?” Craig suddenly asks him.

 

It’s kind of an invasive question from someone he just met. He would tell him to fuck off if it weren’t for the fact that Craig is Justin’s father and had just suffered a major one himself.

 

“I know that’s probably not an appropriate question but...I don’t know. I’m not like this. I’ve never been like this until a little over a year ago. I feel like I’m going insane and I don’t know what’s happening to me,” Craig confides in him, very distressed.

 

Nathan lets out a sigh.

 

“I’m not going to give the details. Only Justin knows the full extent of what happened. But I had a horrible childhood and a horrible father.”

 

He knows the statement strikes a nerve within Craig since the man grimaces.

 

“It wasn’t like your situation with Justin. My father probably made you look like father of the century. My father was...sick. Fucked up. Souless. A monster.”

 

“I-I’m sorry. I apologize for bringing it up. You have a real reason for having them and I’m just a fucking mess.”

 

“That’s not true. Some people have them for no pinpointed reason at all. Obviously, you having them on a regular basis is an indicator that something is terribly wrong. You might need to be on medication, get diagnosed with a couple of things, and talk to someone. But my reason isn’t more or less valid than yours. It’s just different.”

 

Before Craig can respond, they hear the bedroom door open from the hall. Nathan gets up to evaluate Justin and sees that his eyes are bloodshot and a little puffy.

 

“Where did you order from?” Nathan asks, trying to keep things normal.

 

“Sweet Chick,” Justin responds, his voice raspy.

 

“Comfort food. It’ll be good for us,” Nathan remarks as he kisses Justin’s forehead.

 

“...Can you tell I’ve been crying?” Justin whispers.

 

“A little bit. It’s okay. You’re allowed,” Nathan whispers into his hair.

 

“I don’t want to make him feel bad. I’m going to wash my face,” Justin tells him as he gently pulls away.

 

“Okay.”

 

Justin doesn’t necessarily come back out of the bathroom looking as good as new, but what went on in the bedroom is a little less obvious. They both go back to the living room and turn on the television. Craig is indifferent to what they watch and Nathan doesn’t think he’s actually watching what’s on the screen. But that’s okay because he and Justin aren’t really either. The television does get their nerves to settle down though so it’s good for something.

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Craig eventually ends up eating part of his meal before getting too tired to even pick up his fork.

 

“Dad? Nathan has the sheets on the bed. I’ll walk you into the bedroom so you can rest a while.”

 

“It’s barely 9 o’clock,” Craig mumbles tiredly as Justin helps him up.

 

“It’s okay. You’ve had a rough day. You can get well rested and feel better tomorrow,” Nathan says to him.

 

Craig nods and Justin leads him to the spare room. Within a few minutes, Justin is turning off the lights and gently shutting the door behind him so that he can head back to the living room.

 

Nathan feels Justin take his hand and Nathan looks at him and squeezes in response.

 

“Thank you,” Justin tells him.

 

“I didn’t do anything.”

 

“You were here. You got him to open up a little to you. I heard certain parts. You are an incredible person. I don’t tell you that enough.”

 

Nathan gives Justin a smile and strokes his face. Justin pulls him in for a kiss and within a few minutes, Nathan knows there’s no stopping the moment from going further.

 

“Bedroom,” Justin gasps out as Nathan kisses along his jaw.

 

Both of them quickly get up and make their way to their bed. They slowly strip each other out of their clothing and Nathan gently pushes Justin onto his back. Justin nods and brings him down for a kiss so he reaches over to the nightstand to put the condom on. When he breaches Justin and they slowly move together, taking their time in the moment, it feels an awful lot like love.

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Nathan is half-asleep when he feels Justin kiss his shoulder and the bed shift.

 

“Where are you going?” Nathan yawns, starting to sit up to look at his lover.

 

“For a walk. I just need to get some fresh air and think,” Justin says, not quite meeting his eyes.

 

“It’s getting late. I can go with you,” Nathan offers.

 

“I just...I need to be alone for a while. Clear my head. You’re tired and you have rehearsal tomorrow morning. Get some rest. I won’t be gone too long.”

 

“Okay, if you say so. Love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Justin tells him, then gives him a quick kiss on the lips.

 

Nathan plans to wait up for Justin but the comfort of their new bed lures him in before he can stay awake for more than an hour. By the time Justin comes back, he’s out like a light.

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Nathan’s alarm is set for 7:30. They have an early practice today due to it being a holiday. They can have the rest of their day free this way. The cast is lucky that their director is a romantic.

 

When the alarm goes off, he turns it off quickly and it doesn’t even rouse Justin. Nathan stretches then heads to the shower and stands under the steady hot stream. He brushes his teeth, eats a banana for breakfast, then goes back to the bedroom to change into his clothes for the day.

 

He’s unplugging his phone from the nightstand when Justin’s chimes twice next to his. It’s hard not to see what the texts say when the screen lights up.

 

Brian:
I’ll make a call to Dr. Tessler today to make sure she fits him in.
She's good and I really do hope therapy will help him.

 

Brian:
If you ever need to talk, in person or otherwise again,
don’t hesitate. I’ll be here.

 

Figuring out the reason why Justin wanted to walk alone last night hits him harder than he’d like to admit, especially when he was trying so hard to be there for him. He has to suck back the unwanted tears as he walks to the train.

Chapter End Notes:

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