Nathan looks up at the ceiling and counts the cracks in the plaster. Despite the new money the band was coming into, Petra never has made an attempt to move. He guesses she’s content where she is and the space works for her. He wishes he could feel that way.

He glances over at Petra and she’s fast asleep right next to him. She wanted to make sure he didn’t feel alone so she persuaded him to sleep in the bed with her. He appreciates that. The things going through his head are totally fucked and having someone to lie down next to helps a little bit. He’s still upset, heartbroken, and devastated over what he did earlier. When he thinks too much of it, something that is impossible not to do, he feels like he can’t breathe.

He’s in love with Justin. He never fell in love with anyone before. Then again, he never let himself fall in love before Justin. Never got close enough to anyone to. It had been hard enough to let himself have friends. Petra’s the closest person he’s ever had to a best friend. He knows she considers him hers and looks at him like a younger brother. He really cares about Petra and would take a bullet for her but she doesn’t know about what happened to him. She doesn’t know about his past. She doesn’t even know his real name. Justin knows. Justin loved him and accepted him anyway. He took care of him and tried to protect him from the harsh outlook he had on himself. The thought of a life without Justin in it makes him sick.

But the thought of Justin not getting what he wanted out of life was even worse.

He can’t sleep. He’s not going to wake Petra up to have her keep him company. Even though he would love to think that cuddling up with her while they eat ice cream and watch Netflix would help things, he knows they won’t. Right now, the pain he is feeling is the sharpest he has felt since his mother died. Since the last time his father did unspeakable things to him. Since he realized that he would be known as Victor Hall’s son for the rest of his life if he didn’t disappear for a while so that he could cut every connection he ever had. And in some ways? This is worse. His mother wanted to die and escaped an awful man in reward. Nathan got to escape his father after that last time. Losing any acquaintances or casual friends he had in high school was worth it since it meant he got to start fresh.

This? This fucking sucks. And he’s the one who did it to himself. But what else was he supposed to do?

In hindsight, he could have talked to Justin about it. He could have sat down with him to explain what was going through his head. But he knows Justin too well. He knows that Justin would have talked him out of it and said it doesn’t matter. He would have told Nathan he’s more important than a child who doesn’t even exist yet.

Sometimes Justin doesn’t know what’s best for him. He knows that if Justin got depressed over the idea of not having children now, it would only get worse as the years went on. He did what was best for Justin. It isn’t the best for him. God, he doesn’t know how he is going to get through this.

Sniffling, he opens his guitar case and starts to strum along. He usually writes music when he is feeling inspired or anguished or happy. It’s too fresh to write anything now. He just wants to distract himself from his phone by playing this guitar.

That lasts six minutes until he goes into his suitcase pocket to pull it out. He’s avoided it all day and it was late. Even if Justin had tried to contact him, he was probably asleep now.

He presses the home button on his phone and the screen lights up. From Justin alone, there are two missed calls, one voicemail, and four text messages.

He decides to listen to the voicemail first. He needs to hear his voice.

“N-Nathan?” Justin says, crying and drunk, which makes Nathan feel like absolute scum, “Nathan, please. Just come back home and we’ll talk. I know you want to break up but we can work at this. We can. We can make compromises. I miss you. I know that sounds pathetic since you just left seven hours ago but I do. I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you...that you won’t have anyone to talk to. I’m worried that you will backtrack. I’m worried that you want to disappear from my life. I love you. Please know that. Shit…I’m sorry. I jus’...I just wanted to tell you that. I probably should’ve waited after I was sober. Just...Just call me when you feel like you can.”

Nathan wipes his eyes and checks the texts on his phone.

Nathan, please call me.

Will you at least tell me you got
to Petra’s okay?

I texted Petra. She said that you
made it there and were devastated.
Please tell me what’s going through
your head. I want to try to fix this. I
want to be there for you. If you don’t
want to be with me, then at least let me
be your friend.

Nathan tosses the phone on the couch and opens his suitcase. God, he had been so hasty about his decision. Seeing Justin with the kids had mainly pushed him into considering ending it but Molly and Hunter’s heartbreak had made him realize that it needed to be done. The fact that those two seemed to want similar things but physically being in different places could easily tear them apart actually made it worse. Yeah, they are sticking whatever they share out but how painful would that end up being for both of them? How long would it take for one of them to lose hope and move on to another person? But the thing was, distance could potentially be fixed. One of them could move. If Molly decided to study medicine, she could apply to schools in California or wherever Hunter was working by the time she was ready to apply. They could technically make it work and set up a home base as Hunter moved up the ladder and traveled for work.

His relationship with Justin? That would be a lot harder to fix.

He did think about just agreeing with Justin. Giving his okay to his partner on children. He’s not completely close-minded. Logically he knows he would probably love a child of Justin’s.

Sometimes love isn’t enough though. He knows that he’s too fucked up to be a parent. That even if a few years pass and he becomes more mature, he will always have doubts and this darkness within him.

Justin deserves someone who can live up to the challenge. It doesn’t matter that Nathan is still completely in love with him.

He goes through his suitcase and finds the framed picture he swiped from the bedroom before going to sit back down on the couch. He should have asked if Justin wanted it or a copy. Hell, he might have said no. Justin already has to look at the stuff he left there. He might not want to be reminded of him.

A friend of theirs had taken it before he moved to London. Stanley was a photographer, a great one at that. He had actually introduced him to Justin and supported him when he entered a relationship with him, even though Stanley had always flirted with Nathan and strongly hinted that he wanted to be more than friends. He was always taking pictures that would catch people off guard but they would turn out beautiful. Every picture that man took captured so many emotions. This one had been at Petra’s apartment, on the same couch he’s sitting on right now. He and Justin had only been together for a couple of months at this point. He had opened up to him just a month before, despite all that, things had been going great.

Even though things were rough right now, he really hoped Justin wasn’t destined to stay in his past too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 2, 2013

“I think it would be good for us to take the festival gig up in Boston this summer,” Petra says to the band, “There could be labels there and we may attract the attention of someone who hasn’t seen us in New York.”

“We’re doing okay here,” Nadia answers, “Besides, we’ll have to pay for expenses. It might not be worth it. New York has more to offer than Boston does.”

“We could enlarge our fanbase and, like I said, reach out to any possible agents that could be there. Stanley said he would tag along and take pictures to use on the website for promotion.”

“He only offered since he has a constant hard-on for Nathan,” Sebastian smirks.

Nathan shakes his head and concentrates on tuning his guitar.

“That’s right,” Petra says with glee in her voice as she drops the Boston subject, “Stanley drools over Nathan. Who can blame him? Just look at the guy. Nathan, why don’t you give Stanley a chance?”

“Because I don’t want to ruin a perfectly good friendship?” Nathan excuses, getting up.

“But you never date and he seems to really like you!” Nadia cuts in.

“I’m not really interested,” Nathan shrugs.

“Don’t you ever get blue balls? You never even fuck around.”

Nathan looks away from Nadia. Why do they have to bring this stuff up?

“We need to get ready for the show,” Nathan says, ignoring Nadia’s comment.

Nadia shrugs before turning to do her own thing and feels Petra pat him on the shoulder.

“She’s a kid,” Petra says quietly, “She doesn’t mean anything by it. You do what makes you happy. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that.”

“It’s fine,” Nathan mutters, brushing her off.

Technically, it isn’t fine. He’s 21 years old and has never even been on a date or had a boyfriend. He did used to makeout and exchange handjobs with a boy at his high school but that hadn’t ended well for either of them. He sometimes will find himself kissing some guy at the bar if he’s had too much to drink but he stops it before it goes any further. Sometimes the guys are nice about it and sometimes they get pissed off and call him a tease. He doesn’t mean to be but every time he gets even a little close to having sex, he can’t do it. He knows he has time. He knows that there are people who are older who decide to wait to have sex. But the one time it had happened had been the most terrifying thing he has ever gone through. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to open up enough to be with someone. Besides, even though Stanley was nice and Nathan liked him as a friend, he didn’t really like him in a romantic sense.

As if he had sensed he was being talked about, Stanley walks in with a smile on his face, looking at him flirtatiously.

“Hey, Stanley!” Petra greets, “We were just talking about you!”

“Good things, I hope?” Stanley says, looking at Nathan more than Petra.

“Of course. What are you doing back here?”

“I just wanted to ask if you all wanted to come out with me and a couple of friends after you make the rounds here. We’ll help you get the instruments back to Brooklyn and go from there.”

“Can I even get in?” Nadia asks.

“The club isn’t 18 and up but I know the bouncer so you’ll be alright,” Stanley says.

“Well, I’m in,” Petra confirms.

“I’ll check it out too,” Sebastian says.

The four of them turn to Nathan.

“Nathan? What about you? I’d love it if you’d come,” Stanley tells him.

“I don’t know. I’m not really in the mood.”

Nathan tries not to stiffen when Stanley puts an arm around his shoulders, “You’re never in the mood. Come on. You’re 21 years old. You have to get out once in awhile!”

“I do,” Nathan says, a little exasperated, “I’ll think about it, alright?”

“That’s all I ask.”

Stanley gives him a squeeze before heading out the door and Nadia smirks, “He totally has a thing for you.”

Before he can answer, they are given their five minute warning and they line up behind the stage, ready to go on and set up after the current band.

“This group will make us sound even better than we actually are,” Petra giggles.

Nathan doesn’t like to poke fun at other musicians, knowing that anyone can have a bad night, but she’s right. Strep Negative is off their game tonight. He knows they’re good. He did a solo performance last year and they had played but they were known to get fucked up after performances. Apparently they decided to get fucked up before this time.

“Get off the fucking stage!” Someone yells from the crowd.

“You suck!”

“Yo, fuck you assholes! No fucking respect!” Warren, their lead singer, slurs out.

“Let’s hear it for Strep Negative!” the host of the evening nervously cuts in.

A few polite claps are heard amongst the boos throughout the audience as the band stumbles off stage.

“Coming up is a band who just formed last year but are developing quite the following! Please put your hands together for The Accidental Natives!”

The audience is much kinder to them, even though they are skeptical due to the previous band’s performance. But they prove them wrong. In Nathan’s opinion, it’s possibly one of the best sets they’ve ever done. A girl throws her fucking bra at him. If it happened off stage, he would be disturbed. But he becomes different onstage. He’s confident. He’s sexy. He’s Nathan Ash. He’s not the person he really knows he is. So, since he feels confident, he gives the girl a smirk and a shake of the head then says, “Thanks for the gift but it really isn’t my style” before tossing it to Petra, who of course wears it for the duration of the set. They keep things fun and they sound great and, after their last song, they get several requests for an encore. By the time they leave the stage, he’s feeling good. They go out to the crowd, talk to the fans, and sell practically all of their CDs before going to find Stanley.

“There they are!” Stanley exclaims, “The band of the hour. You guys were awesome.”

“Thanks, Stanley,” Petra says, “It was a good show. Nathan and Sebastian had the girls drooling.”

“That’s to be expected. Look at them. Here, I’d like to introduce you to a few friends,” Stanley says, turning to his group, “This is Kate. She’s a model I just worked with for a couple of projects. Gorgeous, right?”

“Very,” Nadia purrs, checking her out. She’ll probably lure her into bed by the time the night’s over.

“It’s great to meet you,” Kate says, smirking at Nadia.

“This is Tom. We went to school together. He does graphic design.”

“Nice to meet you,” Tom greets, putting a hand up.

“Where’s Justin?” Stanley asks.

“Over there,” Tom says, nodding over to the merchandise table.

A blonde man is over there, buying a CD before heading back over to the group.

“Tell someone before you take off, huh?” Stanley tells the man, patting him on the back, “I turned to introduce you to my friends but you weren’t there.”

“Sorry,” Justin excuses himself, “I wanted to get their CD. They’re almost out.”

Justin turns to them, “You guys were great. I’m Justin, by the way.”

Justin shakes their hands and gives them this bright smile that puts Nathan at ease with its kindness.

“Justin is holding a show for me at his gallery. He’s an artist and a great one at that. Already famous and he’s not even dead yet.”

“What’s your last name?” Petra asks.

“Taylor,” Justin tells them.

“Hey, I’ve seen your stuff. I went to the MoMA and you had a display there a few weeks ago,” Nathan remembers suddenly, “You’re really talented.”

Justin’s eyes twinkle and he grins, “That means a lot, coming from someone as talented as yourself.”

Nathan feels his pulse quicken as he blushes, smiles, and looks away. Stanley puts a hand to his heart and dramatically says, “Isn’t he adorable? Such a confident god onstage but once you meet him he is so sweet and humble. It’s no wonder he has my heart. But alas, he feels we’re not meant to be.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t appreciate how forward you are,” Petra tells him, putting a protective arm around Nathan.

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Stanley says, reaching over to touch Nathan’s arm, “Don’t mind my crush. I get them so easily.”

Nathan snorts, “So I’ve witnessed before.”

“What time do you want to be there by?” Petra asks, looking at her phone, “It’s 10 o’clock now and we’ll have to make a transfer. With the instruments-”

“I got Justin to bring one of the smaller vans he has at the gallery so he’s going to take your stuff. One of you can ride with him and show him Nadia’s place. I figured that would be the best place to put them so she won’t have to transfer the drums later. It’ll be easier to get your guitars and bass back to your own apartments.”

“Good idea. We’ll get our stuff and bring it out here.” Nadia tells them before leading the band backstage.

They get to the small dressing room and Nathan puts his guitar strap over his shoulder before grabbing one of Nadia’s drum cases and her bag for the drum stands. Sebastian grabs the kick drum, Petra grabs the snare and the symbols, and Nadia grabs one of the tom-toms. Even though they are loaded down, they don’t really need any help. They’re used to making it work and getting along themselves.

“Who is going to ride with Justin?” Petra asks before they leave the dressing room.

“Not me,” Nadia jumps in, “Kate and I had a connection. I’m going to get to know her.”

“You had a connection, of course you did,” Petra mutters disbelievingly, “Whatever. I think Nathan should ride with him anyway.”

“Why?” Nathan asks.

“He was totally into you and you were into him. Blushing and smiling when he said you did a great job. And he’s cute. You’re going.”

“I wasn’t into him,” Nathan denies, “I don’t even know him.”

“But you thought he was hot.”

“Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean-”

“Then you can ride with him in the van. I don’t mind. Nadia definitely doesn’t mind. Seb doesn’t mind. Do you, Seb?”

“Knock yourself out, Nathan. He seems really nice.”

Nathan rolls his eyes and secures the strap on his shoulder, “Fine. I’ll ride with him.”

Petra puts down the drum to clap her hands, “He’s much more your type than Stanley is. I can tell.”

“Let’s not keep them waiting. Come on,” Nathan says, changing the subject as he tends to when it comes to his friends wanting him to hook up with someone.

They head out to the front and Nadia announces, “Nathan is showing you to my place.”

Justin gives him a kind smile, “That’s great.”

“I’ll hail down a couple of cabs,” Stanley says, “My treat.”

The rest of them load the equipment in the back of Justin’s van while Stanley whistles down a couple of cabs for the rest of the group. Justin and Nathan walk with them to send them off and, as they are discussing how to split up, Nadia makes a suggestion.

“Why don’t we do girls in one cab and boys in the other? Sometimes girls just need their time. And I have to talk to Kate about her blossoming career,” Nadia interrupts with fake innocence.

Stanley huffs out a laugh, onto her, “Whatever works. We’ll meet you back at your place.”

Nadia puts a hand on Kate’s back, leading her to the taxi as Petra turns to Nathan and mouths, “Save me.” Nathan shrugs and says, “I’m riding with Justin. Sorry.”

Nathan turns to Justin and puts his hands in his jacket pocket, “Ready to go?”

“Of course. Hope you are up for the challenge when it comes to being my navigator. I’ve been here since 2005 and I still get lost.”

“I was born and raised, so I think I’m up for the challenge,” Nathan winks before he hops into the passenger seat. Justin gets into the passenger seat and starts the engine.

“So how long have you been playing?” Justin asks as he starts driving in the direction of the Brooklyn Bridge.

“Since I was 8,” Nathan tells him, “I always loved music but my mother saved up for an acoustic guitar for Christmas.”

The thought of his mother makes his throat feel like it’s closing up but he swallows a couple of times and tries not to make a scene.

“That’s great that you have been at it for so long. I really thought you did an incredible job,” Justin says sincerely, “Did you take a lot of lessons growing up or-”

“I’m self-taught. I couldn’t afford lessons so I bought books and figured it out for myself.”

That’s not completely true. Or at least it wasn’t always true. The books he couldn’t get out of the library he had stolen. He felt guilty about it. He even got caught once but the store owner had taken pity on the 10 year old who had a panic attack over the possibility of his father finding out and realized that Nathan just really wanted to learn everything he could. Even though the man had every right to call the cops on him, he hadn’t and made him copies for him to pick up every time he got new shipments in before hiring him once he turned 16. He misses Mr. Santos. He hasn’t seen him since before everything went down. He promised himself that he would never look back and that included the people who had shown him kindness, unfortunately.

“Seriously? You’re self taught? You never took a class?” Justin says, gaping, “That’s amazing! You’re a complete natural.”

“I wanted to take lessons but I couldn’t afford it. My dad wasn’t what you would call supportive so he wouldn’t pay for it either.”

“I completely understand there,” Justin sympathizes.

He probably doesn’t understand. Not really. But Nathan appreciates the sentiment.

“He paid for some summer art workshops and encouraged it as a hobby but when I decided I wanted to make a career out of it, he got pissed. I mean, he already kicked me out because I was gay but that was one more thing on the list.”

That’s one thing Nathan actually doesn’t get. Victor Hall never cared that he was gay. He didn’t care about him at all. He wanted him to suffer until he broke regardless of his sexual orientation.

“So has your Dad admitted he was wrong now that you’re successful?”

Justin’s features darken, “No. I haven’t spoken to him since before I moved here eight years ago and before that it had been two years since we spoke. What about yours? You are moving up and building a fanbase. Your songs are fantastic-”

“My parents are dead,” Nathan interrupts, purposely keeping the emotion out of his voice.

Justin stays silent for a few beats, “Shit. I’m really sorry if I brought up anything-”

“It’s fine. Turn left here.”

Justin turns left and follows Nathan’s directions for the rest of the way.

“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable with that,” Nathan says as Justin pulls up to Nadia’s house, “I just figured it was the best to get that little fact out of the way since we were talking about it. I can be a little too abrupt sometimes.”

Justin nods, “It’s completely okay. I just hope I didn’t make things uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t.”

Justin’s quiet for a few seconds before he says, “I’m sure they would be in awe if they saw you on stage.”

Nathan snorts, “I don’t know about that.”

“You captivated the whole room. My eyes were glued to you the whole time.”

Nathan feels the blush return and he sneaks a glance at Justin, who is biting his cheek to hold back a smile.

“I feel like I should say that your paintings did the same thing for me but there were so many people there that I couldn’t get good enough look to connect with them. The portions that weren’t blocked by people’s heads were good though.”

Justin laughs, “Hey, at least you are being honest. Maybe you can come to my gallery to see a few sometime.”

Nathan feels himself smiling at the exchange but before he gets to answer he hears Nadia knock on the passenger window.

“Come on, bitch!” she calls out to him. Nathan bites back a groan. He loves her, don’t get him wrong. Not even 19 yet, she’s the little sister of the band. But fuck, she can be annoying.

Nathan steps out of the van and Justin unlocks the back so they can all get something and carry all the equipment to Nadia’s four floor walk up in one go.

They can hear someone yelling through the other side of the door and Nadia groans.

“Sam is here. Don’t make direct eye contact with her or she won’t shut up about how much she hates the ex-boyfriend she’s trying to win back.”

They quickly put the instruments in Nadia’s bedroom and make it out before Sam even has the opportunity to display her wrath against her one true love.

Stanley kept the taxis waiting but Nathan goes ahead and rides with Justin. He isn’t sure why. Justin’s taking the van back to his gallery then catching the L. And he knows he’s making Petra suspicious too. But he liked talking to him, even when things got a little awkward. And when he asked Justin if he wanted some company, Justin smiled and nodded then opened the passenger door for him.

“Where is your gallery?” Nathan asks, once they are on the road.

“Williamsburg. It only opened last week. It’s called Bedford Gallery.”

“I only live a few blocks away from there. I meant to check it out but we’ve been lucky with shows. Do you live in the area?”

Justin shakes his head, “No. I’ve been living in SoHo for the last two years. I have a loft there. I used to live in Park Slope. I kind of regret moving to Manhattan. I like Brooklyn more.”

Nathan nods, “The other boroughs have more personality. I grew up in Astoria, Queens but moved to the Bronx when I came back to the city. I’ve been in Brooklyn for about a year now.”

“Oh, you moved away for a while?”

Nathan winces. He doesn’t know why he’s talking so much about his past. Usually he just doesn’t say anything at all or lies. He doesn’t know why this time is any different.

“Just for two years. It’s was good to get out of the city but it’s home,” Nathan decides to say. He needs to stay vague about this like he always does. Justin doesn’t need to know.

“It took a while for me to think of it as home,” Justin admits, “I left Pittsburgh, my hometown, sort of suddenly to pursue a career. I missed my friends but I was making new ones up here. I was in a long distance relationship at the time so that was hard. It was even harder when we broke up but after a while things became easier. I ended up loving it here. Here it is.”

Justin pulls into the garage and parks the car.

“Ready to go?”

Nathan shrugs, “Whenever you are.”

Justin looks around, “You said you didn’t really get to see my paintings at MoMA. I can show you around here. I have a few of them up. If you’re interested in seeing them, that is.”

Nathan smiles and nods. He’s always felt awkward in clubs so he doesn’t mind putting it off.

“I’m interested.”

Justin leads him through a door and into the gallery before turning on the lights.

“It looks really nice,” Nathan tells him as he looks down at the polished floors and exposed brick wall, “You can’t even tell it used to be an auto repair shop.”

“It took some renovations, but I’m proud of the result. There’s three floors but we won’t have anything upstairs until Monday. I guess it’ll be a short tour.”

Justin takes him over to a wall filled with strategically placed photographs and Nathan immediately recognizes them as Stanley’s.

“This is Stanley’s exhibit. Even though his results are completely different, he went a little Warhol. I like the darker colors he used with the silkscreen printing though.”

Nathan looks through them. Many of them are of Kate but there are a few taken outside of his shots of her. For instance, he spots a picture of The Accidental Natives. You can’t really tell it’s them. Just more of an impression of the band. It would make a good album cover.

“Hey, is that you?” Justin asks looking at the photo.

“Yeah.”

“Stanley seems to be into you. Literally wouldn’t shut up about how hot you are.”

“I bet the way he built me up made you underwhelmed when you met me,” Nathan snorts.

Justin laughs, “No, if anything I couldn’t blame him for being head over heels.”

Nathan blushes like a fucking schoolgirl again before saying, “I feel bad because Stanley is a good friend but he really-”

“Isn’t your type?” Justin asks.

“He’s good looking so it isn’t that. But he’s a bit dramatic and falls for six guys at once,” Nathan laughs, “If for some reason I would decide to give in, he would probably have me pissed at him within a week.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Where are your paintings?”

Justin leads him over to a wall near the back and Nathan studies each one. He’s really good. Nathan can see that. He doesn’t know a lot about art. He isn’t completely ignorant on the subject and can tell apart the bigger household names but he doesn’t know what makes a piece good. But Justin’s paintings make him want to know because Justin’s pieces are so moving and visceral.

“You’re fantastic. My eyes are glued to them,” Nathan tells him sincerely, recalling Justin’s words from before, “This one is my favorite though. I love it. It makes me happy.”

Justin scratches the back of his head, “Uh, yeah...I painted that while I was on acid. It had been something I hadn’t done in years and my friend brought some over for some reason. I took a tab and ignored him for the rest of the night to paint that. It was a good high so I was pretty happy while making it. Despite its weird origins and it’s strange setup, it’s one of my favorites too.”

Nathan stifles a laugh at that before he admits, “I’ve never tried acid.”

“And here I thought you were a rockstar.”

Nathan shrugs, “I don’t know. It’s not like I have never been curious but I only drink and smoke weed occasionally.”

“That’s usually the case for me too. I was pretty wild when I was in my late teens to early 20s though.”

“The band thinks I’m boring, I’m sure.”

“I think you’re interesting.”

Nathan grins, “Well, maybe I’ll let loose tonight. We should probably go meet them at the club. We’ve been here for a while.”

Justin nods so they head to the L train and take it to Union Square and walk from there. Nathan texts the group to make sure Stanley knows to meet them at the door. When they get there, they are able to bypass the line and go in.

“Where have you two been?” Stanley asks, suspicious.

“At the gallery. Justin showed me your photos and his paintings,” Nathan tells him honestly.

“I hope he showed you my stuff first so it wouldn’t be a complete letdown after his masterpieces,” Stanley laughs.

“I did see your stuff first. But both exhibits were good. Where’s Petra?”

“Getting hit on by some guy over at the bar.”

Nathan looks over and sees Petra standing there, looking a bit annoyed by some Jersey Shore wannabe. When she glares at him Nathan decides to go over.

“You need to back off,” Nathan tells him, putting an arm around her waist.

The man scoffs, “Have fun being with a frigid bitch, dude.”

“My hero!” Petra croons after the man walks away before getting suspicious, “You’ve been AWOL for a while. Where have you been?”

Nathan shrugs, “Justin showed me a couple of exhibits in his gallery.”

Petra gets a huge excited grin on her face, “He did? And how was that?”

“Fine. He’s really talented.”

“Uh huh. Did he happen to exhibit any physical-”

“No. We just talked. He’s very nice.”

Petra looks behind his shoulder, “He’s looking at you.”

Nathan turns to glance at him and Petra wasn’t lying. Justin is looking at him and smiles at him, a little embarrassed that he’s caught, before turning away. Nathan feels his eyes crinkle.

“Oh my god. This is perfect. It’s like love at first sight-”

“Stop it,” Nathan warns.

Petra smiles and gets them each two shots of tequila.

“Let’s celebrate. I want you to loosen up tonight and have fun. Maybe ask your new boyfriend to dance.”

“Petra, come on. I’m sure he isn’t as interested as you think he is. He just met me-”

“It doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you. Believe me, Nathan. He keeps looking at you. Now take these shots with me.”

Nathan sighs but does what he’s told. Since he’s feeling pretty good tonight it might make him feel even better.

The whole group drinks and dances and, even though he’s standing up and feeling good, he’s well past tipsy. That’s something that doesn’t happen often. He’s always worried he’ll let something slip or go to some dark place, which has happened before. But he’s having a good night and, when Justin asks him to dance, he feels even better.

“I’m not a very good dancer,” Nathan warns as Justin takes his hand and drags him to the floor.

“I don’t mind,” Justin insists as he puts his arms around his neck.

They sway to the music and look into each other’s too bright and drunken eyes. Nathan looks down at Justin’s lips and wants to kiss them but he knows he shouldn’t because it could lead to other things that he can’t do and it will ruin the whole night. That’s happened before. He’ll get too drunk, make out with whoever he’s talking to then piss them off when he doesn’t want to go home with them. He thinks it would hurt even more if Justin reacted like that. He’s so kind and smart and talented and so fucking beautiful that Nathan would hate himself for weeks if he couldn’t get over his shit even to mess around with him.

“You’re beautiful,” Nathan blurts out, as if he has no filter. God damn it.

“Yeah?” Justin says, grinning, “I think you’re beautiful too. So fucking hot.”

And, before he can overthink it, he meets Justin for a kiss. He doesn’t know who initiates it. It’s as if they know the other one was wanting to do it so why the fuck not? It starts out as chaste but builds into something passionate. They grind against each other and breathe into each other’s mouths, wanting more and fuck, Nathan does want more. He’s never actually wanted to fuck or get fucked before while he was so close to possibly having that but god, he wants it now. He can feel himself getting hard and Justin growing thicker against his leg and they are probably starting to look obscene but he’s beyond caring. Whether that is due to the alcohol or the euphoria of Justin or a combination of both, he doesn’t know but he feels so good that it doesn’t even matter at this point.

“I live a couple of blocks away from here,” Justin says in between kisses, “Want to come home with me?”

Nathan is breathless when he nods before diving in to kiss Justin again. It takes a while to stop their pheromone driven makeout session long enough to go say goodbye to the rest of the group.

“Well, look who stopped sucking face long enough to greet us,” Sebastian says before he takes a gulp of his beer.”

“See you guys later,” is all Nathan slurs out before grabbing Justin’s hand.

“You sure you’re good, Nathan?” Petra asks, concerned.

“I’m good...I’m great,” Nathan answers, waving her off.

“Take care of him, Justin,” Petra says.

“I will,” Justin answers sincerely before putting an arm around Nathan’s waist.

They go out the front door and compulsively kiss each other as they walk to Justin’s building. When they make it up the stairs and are inside, they are taking off each other’s shirts and stumbling to the bed. Justin lays him down, grinding his crotch against his as he presses light kisses to his neck, collarbone, pecs, and jawline. It feels so fucking good. Nathan lets out a sigh and takes Justin’s face into his hands to get another kiss from him. Their tongues dart out to caress each other as Justin reaches down to unzip and pull off his jeans for him before taking off his own.

It’s when Justin gets to his underwear that Nathan starts to feel queasy. When Justin gets those off and reaches down to rub his hole, he starts feeling sick and flashes back to then.

“Stop!” Nathan demands, crying out due to the invading memories overwhelming him.

Justin stops kissing his neck and looks at him concerned, “Nathan, what’s wrong?”

“I have to go,” he mutters, shaking profusely as he grabs his boxer briefs to put them back on.

“What’s going on? Are you okay? Is it something-”

“It...It wasn’t you. You’re amazing.”

“Then what is it?” Justin asks, reaching out to grab his hand but Nathan pulls it away.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry”

Justin holds his hands up, “That’s okay. I’m not mad.”

Nathan bites his lip and gets the rest of his clothes on before Justin gets up to put an arm around him.

“Did something happen to you?” he asks quietly.

Nathan lets out a whimper but shakes his head, “It’s nothing.”

“It’s...It’s obviously something. You’re shaking-”

“Look, I don’t even know you. I’m not going to pour my guts out while you hold my hand or some shit. I have to go. I can’t breathe I need to get out I can’t deal with this I can’t-”

God, he’s such a fucking wreck of a person. Justin looks at him with such concern and worry as his panic overwhelms him. He must think he’s such a freak.

But Justin quickly puts his own clothes on, comes over to him, and leads him to a chair.

“Put your head in between your knees. It’s okay. You’re safe. Shhhh.”

He feels Justin, a man who is practically a stranger, rub his back as he tries to get his breathing under control. Adding the embarrassment to the fucking torment and lack of breath, he honestly wants to die.

“Why are you doing this?” Nathan asks, when he’s feeling a little bit more in control, “Why haven’t you kicked me out?”

“Why would I kick you out?” Justin asks quietly as he strokes his hair.

“Because you have no idea who I am? Because I decided not to sleep with you? Because I’m having a fucking breakdown in your loft and you aren’t obligated to care about it?”

“As much as I love sex, I’m not going to be angry over someone changing their mind, especially if they are upset about something. I’m not going to watch someone have a panic attack and not help them.”

Nathan clears his throat and sits back up, “Well, you’ve helped. Thanks. I appreciate it, but you can stop pretending to be interested now. It was nice meeting you.”

Nathan gets up and grabs his jacket before Justin can get another word out.

Nathan is walking quickly down the stairs when Justin calls out, “Wait a second!”

Nathan closes his eyes and sighs then stops on the steps as he waits for Justin to come down to him.

“You forgot your wallet,” Justin tells him as he hands it to over, “You probably wouldn’t have gotten far without it.”

Nathan nods and mumbles a thank you before turning back around.

“...Nathan, are you sure you don’t want to just go sit do-”

“I’m fine, Justin.”

Justin clears his throat, “Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime.”

Nathan ignores the comment and just goes down the stairs.

He hoped he didn’t see him again. Not that he didn’t like Justin. He really liked Justin, from what he knew about him at least. But he wouldn’t be able to face him now that he knew he was a freak. He hoped that he didn’t tell Stanley what a freak he was either. Stanley had a big heart but also a big mouth. He would probably show his concern by telling the band and then they would know he was a freak too. If he would decide to keep everything in, they might think he’s like that for no reason and if he told them who he really was...he doesn’t want to think about their possible reactions to that.

He walks to the train and gets his wallet out to get his Metrocard only to find a business card tucked into the front. It’s Justin’s. It has his the number to the gallery as well as his cell phone number. He doesn’t know why Justin would give him that.

But he leaves the card in the wallet and goes through the turnstile. It’s late so it takes a while but he makes it back to his small apartment in Williamsburg and tries to sleep. It ends up taking three nightmares, the last one ending in tears, before he decides sleep isn’t going to happen. When Petra calls in the afternoon to get the details on how good Justin was in bed, he tells her the truth and says they didn’t get that far.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn’t take long to run into Justin again and it’s on Valentine’s Day of all days when it happens. They are doing another show, in Dumbo this time. It’s a longer set since they are just one of two bands. The show goes over great and he’s able to find the confidence he has always had while performing. They outshine the opening band and get asked for autographs and pictures, which is weird since they aren’t famous but it’s flattering, nonetheless. And it’s when he thinks the requests are finished that he sees him.

“I never got to ask you to sign my first copy,” Justin says, handing him the CD, “So I bought another. I figured it could be worth something someday.”

Nathan stares at him and ignores Petra and Nadia fangirling then hesitantly takes the CD from his grasp.

“You bought another CD?” Nathan asks quietly as he signs the cover.

“Might as well have a backup.”

Justin hands the CD off to Petra so the other three members can sign it then says quietly, “You never called.”

Nathan huffs, “What would I have said?”

Justin shrugs, “Whatever you wanted to say. You could have called to say hello or if you felt like you needed someone to talk to.”

Nathan purses his lips, nods, then stands up to walk away, “I appreciate that. I do. But you don’t have to feel pity for me.”

Justin follows him gently takes his arm, “I don’t feel pity for you. I...I admire you. I think you seem like a strong person.”

“Believe me, Justin. I’m anything but. If I were stronger, you would have gotten to fuck me.”

Justin shakes his head, “No. You had the guts to tell me no because you felt uncomfortable. That isn’t weak. I just...I gave you my number to let you know I am still interested. I am attracted to talented, confident, and gorgeous men. I can’t help it.”

“I’m not really confident. That’s just a stage thing. I’m not that confident in real life.”

“You still have it in you.”

Nathan sighs and looks at the man, “I’m not looking to be a fuck buddy.”

“Good. I’m not asking you to be fuck buddy.”

“I’m not relationship material. If it ever happened, I would probably need to take things slow.”

“I’m not asking you to commit to anything. I’m...I’m just asking to get to know you.”

“Why?”

“Because...you have so much life in your eyes. You seem to feel things so deeply. And I don’t mean just on stage. I saw it when we were dancing. I saw it when we were at the gallery. And when you left my loft, I felt worried for you. I felt sickened by whatever it is you went through that made you think I should have kicked you out. In all honesty, you’ve been on my mind a lot. You fascinate me.”

Nathan snorts, “Persistent, aren’t you?”

Justin gives him a wry grin, “It’s one of my most endearing qualities.”

Nathan looks over to the band, rolls his eyes when he sees Petra trying send him signals to ask what is going on, before turning back to Justin.

“We can...we can go to a diner or something. If you want.”

“When do you want to go to this diner?” Justin asks, eyebrows raised.

Nathan shrugs and figures, fuck it. He might as well be a little spontaneous.

“Why not right now? I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and, unless you ditched yours to come here, I doubt you do either. I’ll just go and tell Petra to take my guitar back to her place and we can go.”

Justin smiles widely, “That sounds great.”

“Stay here for a second.”

Nathan goes over to Petra and clears his throat.

“I’m going out to eat with Justin. Can you take my guitar back to your place? Maria and Reina will help with the drums, right?”

Petra nods eagerly, “It’s great having such devoted groupies, isn’t it? I’m so happy for you, Nathan. Go on, we’ve got it from here.”

Nathan rolls his eyes, “Don’t be happy for me yet. We haven’t even left the bar.”

“Good luck.”

Nathan goes back over to Justin and follows him out the door. They decide to get on the train to go to Yaffa Cafe, a 24 hour place in the East Village that has an eclectic variety of food and even more eclectic decor and music. They sit in the back corner of the dim restaurant, a small candle lighting their table, and put in their orders. After sitting there for a couple of minutes just staring at each other, Nathan finally breaks the silence.

“I’m not really sure what I should say to you,” he admits, “I’m still embarrassed over what happened before.

“It’s fine. We’ll just sit here and wait until something comes to mind.”

Nathan raises his eyebrows, “You’re kind of weird, you know that?”

“I’ve been told that once or twice.”

“Seriously, Justin. Why did you come to the show?”

Justin looks at him, “You told me to stop pretending I was interested. I wasn’t pretending. So I decided to show that.”

Nathan looks down at his water and mutters, “Do you always show interest in guys who freak out at your apartment?”

“I don’t know. I’ll admit that it’s a new technique I haven’t seen before. Maybe there’s something to your methods.”

“It’s not-” Nathan breaks off and growls, “Look, I just want to know why. Don’t give me the bullshit about me being a tortured soul who needs to be taken care of. Because that’s fucking creepy and untrue.”

Justin snorts, “I wouldn’t say that. You told me you didn’t want pity.”

“I just want to know why a guy who could have practically anyone he wants would want to do whatever this is with a guy like me.”

Justin stares at him and doesn’t flinch as he says, “Because that guy who can “practically have anyone he wants” saw a lot of himself in a guy like you.”

Nathan scoffs at that, “Yeah, okay.”

“That guy got bashed by another student with a baseball bat when he was 18 and had panic attacks for years afterwards. Still has physical impairments due to brain damage. He might not understand the particular things you went through but he gets trying to overcome something that truly fucks you up in order to become a big fat success. He thought you could maybe understand where he was coming from too.”

Nathan blinks a few times before looking down, “Shit. Sorry. You can start talking in the right person now.”

“You didn’t know. But you should know that I don’t pity you. I don’t think you need to be taken care of. The problems you are facing aren’t deterring me. Even if I hadn’t gone to the show with Stanley and I went on my own, I still would have found a way to talk to you in order to try to get somewhere with you.”

“And if I had gone through with it? Acted like a normal person, hooked up with you...would you have gotten what you wanted and kindly asked me to leave the next morning?”

Justin huffs and puts his napkin in his lap, “I’m not saying I’ve never done that. But I liked you. I asked you to look around my gallery because I wanted to get to know you and I asked you to dance because I wanted to dance with you and no one else in the club. So I feel like I would have asked you out to breakfast so we could talk some more.”

Nathan stays silent at that and runs a hand through his hair before saying, “Look, like I’ve already said, I really appreciate it. But you have to realize that I have...I don’t know, trust issues. Not in a super jealous or nosy way but I can’t open up to people about my life. It’s hard for me.”

“I get it. Sometimes it’s hard for me to talk about stuff too. I paint to help get through that.”

“I write music. It helps a lot.”

“I can tell. You put so much emotion into your music. You come off as so much wiser than what? A 25 year old?”

“Twenty-one,” Nathan smirks.

“Shit. That makes me feel old,” Justin says, laughing.

“You can’t be more than 26 or so.”

“Wrong. I turn thirty next month.”

“Are you usually into men who are almost a decade younger than you?”

“You’re actually the first younger guy I have tried to pursue more than just a one night stand with.”

“Well, now I feel special,” Nathan says, a little teasing.

“You should,” Justin says, biting his cheek.

Nathan didn’t expect this. He didn’t expect for Justin to ever contact him again for one thing, let alone straight out admit that he was interested in him despite everything. They were just eating dinner but he felt like he had been pulled on a fast moving train and he was barely hanging on, both willing it to stop and for it to go faster. It felt exhilarating when they were just sitting here on only their second meeting. How would it feel on their third or their fourth? How would it feel to kiss him hello or to call him to tell him about his day? How would it feel to actually sleep with him, not just fuck, but sleep together after the fact?

He knows he should cut him loose before they even think about getting attached. He knows Justin is too good for him.

But he wants to know if he can do it. He wants to know if someone could actually love him.

So they eat, talk, and laugh until they realize that a couple of hours have passed already. Justin insists on picking up the bill before they head out and then they walk around the East and West Villages, just talking about what they like to do and their favorite places. Their pasts are rarely mentioned and Nathan finally feels at ease, which is weird because he’s just met Justin but the man seems to lure out a little bit of Nathan’s real life confidence.

Justin takes the train with him and walks him up to his apartment, even though Nathan tells him he doesn’t have to.

“I’m heading to the gallery. I have a small studio there. I feel inspired,” is all Justin says with a smile.

As Nathan unlocks his door and stands in his doorway, he looks down at his feet before looking into Justin’s bright blue eyes.

“Well, goodnight,” Nathan says to him.

Justin pats him on the arm, “Goodnight, Nathan.”

And you know what? Fuck it. He needs to ease himself into this. He doesn’t have to invite Justin in or fuck him out in the hallway but he does need to make a small move.

So, affectionately, he leans in to give Justin a kiss on the cheek. Justin smiles happily and it takes all of his will not to smile like a complete goofball in response before going into his apartment and shutting the door.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They meet up several times as well as text back and forth for the next three weeks and Nathan feels his heart flutter every time he sees Justin’s name appear on his phone. They haven’t slept together yet but have kissed several times and there were a few instances where they got so into their makeout sessions that they almost went further but Justin realized Nathan was getting too nervous and backed off without judgment. They’ve been dating and going to different places throughout the city. It’s the best time Nathan has ever had.

“Has anyone ever told you that it’s rude to text when you’re out to eat with someone?” Petra asks sarcastically as she takes a bite of her salad.

“Sorry,” is all Nathan says as he types out his message.

Yeah, I’ll stop by the gallery later :)

“So how goes it with your Mr. Van Gogh?”

“Good. Justin still has both ears so that’s working in his favor.”

“Smartass. Have you seen him pretty often?”

“Yeah, several times. We went to the Brooklyn Museum and saw Kinky Boots on just the other day.

“Fun! And expensive. He paid for it, right?”

“He was going to pay for all of it but when he told me he got tickets for the show I demanded to pay for the museum.”

“You see, I just let the other person pay for as much as possible,” Petra tells him, “Why spend my own money if someone else is willing to pay for me? Especially when they’re rich.”

“I don’t want to take advantage. He’s really nice and I wanted to make sure things stayed a bit even. Besides, I got my paycheck from Showtime for doing the music for that documentary they produced.”

“A man of many talents is what you are. I don’t have the patience for scores. That’s why you’ll be richer than me.”

“If you would just broaden your taste then maybe you’ll like the instrumental pieces. I enjoy what we do more but it helps pay the bills. Writing the commercial jingles grates on my nerves though. I try not to do those unless I have to.”

“Yeah, I’m not about that. I prefer actual performances. But I am proud of you. Not just for doing that stuff in your career too but for other accomplishments.

Nathan tilts his head, “What do you mean?”

Petra waves her hand, “I mean that you’re...you know...giving him a chance. I know it’s hard for you to give your heart to someone. You won’t tell me why but I understand that it is extremely difficult for you. You don’t know how happy it makes me to see you falling for someone.”

Nathan nods and, even though he’s always been one to brush off the subject, he wants to open up to Petra. Just a little.

“It feels so fast. Even though I know it’s not that fast, it sometimes feels that way.”

“You’ve never had a relationship before, baby. It’s a new feeling.”

“I can’t explain how it feels-”

“Terrifying? Breathtaking? Amazing? A bunch of feelings jumbled up all at once?”

Nathan laughs a little and nods.

“You’ll do fine. He’d be crazy not to fall for you.”

“I’m meeting him after dinner at the gallery-”

“So you want to get going. I get how it’s going to be now,” Petra tsks before calling over the bill.

Petra gives him a longer hug than usual before they part and Nathan walks the eight blocks to the gallery. He walks in through the front door, sees Justin’s office door open, then spots him standing at his desk with Max, his new intern.

“Hey, Nathan!” Justin calls out, waving him over, “Come in!”

Nathan makes his way into the office and Justin finishes with Max before shutting the door.

“Hey,” Justin breathlessly smiles before coming up to greet him with a kiss, “How was dinner?”

“It was good. Petra picked the place and we just talked. How has your day been?”

“Busy. We just wrapped out and sent our sold paintings and we’re getting new pieces in tomorrow morning. The walls are pretty much bare right now.”

“I saw that my favorite piece of yours got sold,” Nathan pouts, “I’ll miss it.”

“There will be more paintings. Maybe not many acid induced paintings but there will be more. Let’s go for a walk.”

Nathan follows Justin outside and they walk to the river hand in hand. When they get there, Justin sits down at the bench and pulls Nathan into his side. They’re practically snuggling right there in the open. But it doesn’t make him nervous. It makes him feel wanted and safe, two things he has never felt in his life.

“You should come meet me on Saturday at my apartment,” Justin comments, “My friends who live in Hoboken are coming in for a few hours to have dinner. I would love it if they met you.”

“...You sure?” Nathan asks hesitantly.

Justin smiles and kisses him softly, “Of course I’m sure. They’re great people and I’m sure they’ll love you.”

They get up and walk together until they are back at the gallery. Before they part, Nathan bends down a little to give him a kiss goodbye and feels practically giddy on the way home. This must be what other people feel when they start to fall hard for someone.

When he gets back to his apartment, he sees a large package outside of his door and is pretty confused because he wasn’t expecting anything. He bends down to look at the return address and his heart skips a beat when he sees it is from the Bedford Gallery.

He didn’t.

With shaky hands, he takes it inside and unwraps the package only to find the painting. The one he loves so much that Justin implied that he sold. Through watery eyes, he sees a note attached and he takes it off the back to open it.

For the man who accepts the strange rough edges and sees and embraces the good when many would dismiss it. You did that for this odd painting. So please know I would do the same for you.

He already feels the tightness in his chest and his lip trembling before he pulls out his phone.

“Hey,” Justin says softly.

“You didn’t...You didn’t have to do that,” Nathan tells him, feeling overwhelmed.

“I wanted to.”

“You’re the one with the birthday next week,” Nathan says with a wet laugh, “I’m the one who should be giving you a gift.”

“I beat you to it,” Justin teases.

“You still at the gallery?” Nathan asks, feeling forward.

“Yeah, why do you-”

“Come over.”

Justin laughs, “You don’t have to ask me twice.”

Nathan gulps, “See you soon.”

It takes Justin less than twenty minutes to get to the apartment. Nathan is pacing after he buzzes him in and, when he hears the knock on the door, he takes a deep breath and opens it.

“Hey, what-”

Nathan cuts him off with a searing kiss, the kind that makes both of them lightheaded. The kind that sends a message that’s pretty hard to interpret as anything else.

“You sure?” Justin gasps out, stroking Nathan’s face.

Nathan nods before capturing Justin’s lips once more and leading him to the bedroom before Justin stops him again.

“Nathan, are you absolutely su-”

“Justin. You don’t have to ask me twice,” Nathan tells him before sticking a hand down the man’s pants.

Justin gives up the concerned inquiries after that.

And Nathan tries to mean what he says. In many ways, he does want this. Fuck, he wants it so much. He gets through Justin stroking his cock and he enthusiastically sucks off the older man. He does start to get a little nervous when he tells Justin he has lube in the bedside table drawer (which he bought to practice with but he’s not going to tell him that.)

He gets on his stomach and Justin puts a dab on his fingers before gently working his way in. Nathan starts to feel himself stiffen at the intrusion as his breathing quickens.

“Nathan?” Justin asks, concerned, pulling his fingers out.

“I’m fine,” Nathan answers shakily, “Y-You can keep going.”

“No. Not until you’re completely sure,” Justin tells him softly.

Nathan groans into the pillow and tries to ignore the tears springing to his eyes and his obvious hard on.

“Do you think...I would understand since you’re several years older than me but…” Nathan trails off, throwing a hand up helplessly.

“What? You want to fuck me?” Justin asks him.

“I understand if you don’t want to-”

“Oh, I want to.”

Nathan looks up and sees Justin smirking before the man lies down on his back and smiles at him.

Nathan leans down to kiss him as he gets between his legs. He feels a little less nervous now as he puts the lube on his fingers and slowly preps Justin. Justin gasps as he brushes his prostate so he does it two more times before Justin reaches over and gets the condom. He opens it and slips it on Nathan’s dick before putting his legs on his shoulders. The action alone makes Nathan want to come right there.

Forehead against his Justin’s, he lines up his cock and lets it sink in slowly and only speeds up when Justin is moaning for more. They kiss each other, mouths wet and open, teeth clacking on occasion with the force. After several minutes, Nathan starts to feel close so he wraps his hand around Justin’s cock and jerks him in time with the thrusts, making him cum right after him.

“Fuck, that was great,” Justin sighs.

He manages to nod before his face crumples. And here he was, feeling accomplished.

“Hey,” Justin says alarmed, “Come here.”

Nathan turns and rests his head on Justin’s shoulder, letting the tears wet his neck.

“Did I do something wrong?” Justin asks, sounding distressed.

Nathan shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to explain it. He feels happy, terrified, overwhelmed, possibly in love. He just accomplished something that he never saw happening to him just a few weeks ago and here he is, bawling.

“I’m just happy,” Nathan croaks out.

“Shhh, I’m happy too,” Justin says with a sweet chuckle, “I think I’ll stay here tonight, if you don’t mind.”

Nathan nods and throws his arms around Justin’s torso. He falls asleep quickly and sleeps better than he has for as long as he can remember.

Until he wakes up gasping from a nightmare at 8 am.

Justin is sitting up and looking down at him, alarmed and frightened. Shit.

“You awake?” Justin asks, touching his hair.

Nathan feels his face flush and he tries to get up but Justin takes ahold of his arm.

“What was your dream about?”

Nathan says nothing and just sits there, trying to will Justin’s curiosity away.

“You were begging someone to stop. You were hysterical and seemed like you were in so much pain,” Justin reveals, voice cracking, “What happened to you?”

Nathan wants to tell him. He knows Justin deserves to know. He just can’t. Justin might leave and the thought of that is starting to scare him. It’s only been a few weeks. He wants to enjoy having him around a little longer.

“Did I trigger it?” Justin asks out of the blue, “Fuck, did us sleeping together cause you to have a night terror? Nathan, we don’t have to jump into it so soon. We can-”

“You didn’t trigger it,” Nathan interrupts, stopping Justin’s train of thought, “If anything, you helped. I haven’t slept eight hours straight in a very long time. Usually I have a couple of nightmares a night.”

“...That breaks my heart.”

Nathan lets out a humorless laugh before lacing his fingers with Justin’s, “You and me both.”

“I need to know what happened to you. I told you what happened to me,” Justin points out.

“I know you did. And I will. I just...I can’t. Not yet. I need a little time to figure out how to say it. I don’t talk about it. Ever.”

Justin stares at him for a few seconds before nodding, “Okay.”

“You don’t have to sleep over anymore if you don’t want to,” Nathan tells him, giving him an out, “I would understand.”

But he feels Justin come over on the bed and wrap his arms around his shoulders from behind, “You said that it was one of the best nights you had. Maybe it’s because you had someone who cares about you lying next to you. Expect me on a regular basis.”

Nathan hugs Justin’s forearms and nods. He knows it’s selfish of him to accept that kind of sacrifice from Justin but he really has a hard time not accepting the affection.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week later, they leave Justin’s apartment for his birthday dinner. He already gave Justin his presents. He wrote and performed a song for him, which surprisingly made Justin tear up. He gave him a few books and a special Blu Ray edition of The Yellow Submarine, all of which Justin seemed to love. Nathan wanted to get more but told himself not to overdo it, even though Justin deserved anything that would make him happy. It had been a really good week, despite Justin knowing about the nightmares. It’s probably from the euphoria of fucking but he finally saw what the big deal was about now. Justin was fantastic in bed. It didn’t matter if they were slow and sensual or fast and playful. He always knew what to do. They hadn’t gotten around to switching positions yet but Nathan was feeling a little more confident so he hoped they could try that again one day.

The birthday party is just with several close friends of Justin’s plus the band. Stanley is there, which makes Nathan feel a little guilty when the man gives him a sad smile. Emmett and Drew are there too and Nathan’s glad they made it since they just got back from Toronto that morning. They have a great time. Justin puts an arm around him as he talks and laughs with his friends around the large table. He catches up with the friends he hasn’t seen in awhile as well as Emmett and Drew by asking them about how the gang was.

“Oh, they’re wonderful. Gus is shooting up like a weed and JR is a total bookworm. You saw them just a few months ago and you talk to Gus on Skype but I’m telling you, they’ve grown. Both are making great grades. Debbie and Carl finally got their stuff situated at the new house and Ben has been loving his job at the university up there. I have some pictures if you want to see.”

Emmett hands Justin his phone and Justin looks through them smiling and inquiring about the backstory on certain photos until his smile starts to fade.

Justin looks over to what the picture is of and so does Nathan. All Nathan sees is two men with a little girl, maybe two years old. He looks at Emmett and is surprised when the man winces.

“They’re doing great,” Emmett says to Justin softly, as if he knows the question Justin wants to ask, “Lily is turning two in April and is a complete handful. I’m surprised she hasn’t given Brian a heart attack yet. She’s so smart and sweet though. Talks up a storm, even though you can’t understand everything she says. Brian and Eric seem to be able to though.”

“She’s adorable,” Justin murmurs, still looking at the picture, “She’s grown a lot too. The last pictures I saw of her were ones that Debbie posted on Facebook six months ago.”

Emmett smiles, “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind hearing from you. Especially if you talk about how cute his kid is. He loves talking about her.”

“I wrote him that letter once and I never heard back,” Justin reminds him, “I’m not going to push it.”

Emmett nods sadly and takes his phone back.

“Was that Brian?” Nathan asks him quietly.

“Yeah,” Justin admits, “That was him.”

“You seemed sad talking about him.”

“There was a lot of history there. He helped shape me into who I am. Even though I haven’t seen him in years and don’t know who he is anymore it would be nice to hear how he and his family are doing. Things ended on a bad note though, you know that.”

“You’ve said that, yeah.”

Before anything else can be said, a couple of servers come with their food and Justin is happy once more. He gets over the slight awkwardness of Justin’s ex being brought up as well and lets himself have a good time and that’s how it stays until a busser takes the plates away.

It takes a second glance to realize who the woman is. Her face is scarred and it’s hard to remember what she used to look like when they were showing her picture on the news. But once he realizes it, he struggles to get up and out of the restaurant.

“Nathan?” Justin asks, watching him go.

“I need to get home,” Nathan mutters, ignoring the strange looks from the rest of the party and Petra’s calls after him.

He walks faster as his breathing gets more ragged and he hears Justin jogging after him but he can’t get out the words, “Just go back to your party, Justin!”

God, he sucks. He ruins everything, even his boyfriend’s birthday party.

“What’s going on?” Justin asks, starting to catch up.

“Pl-Please, Justin! Just go back!” Nathan says waving him off.

He hears Justin whistle and feels the man tug at his arm.

“What are you doing?!” Nathan yells as Justin shoves him into the cab.

“Getting you home,” is all Justin tells him as he gently pushes down on Nathan’s head to get him to put it between his knees.

Nathan wheezes as Justin quells the driver’s concerns.

They make it to Justin’s loft and all Nathan can do is moan, “Justin, just go back to your party!”

“You’re freaking out! Forget my party.”

When Justin unlocks the door, Nathan runs for the bathroom to puke up his dinner. Justin rubs his back as Nathan slides down and sits on the floor. They sit there in silence for the longest time and Justin waits patiently until Nathan gets his breathing back in control

“What happened?”

“I can’t-”

“No, Nathan. I need to know. You vomited because you were panicking so much. You need to tell me, not just because I need to know as your boyfriend, but because you need to talk to someone.”

“I’ve talked to therapists before. It only helped so much.”

“You need someone in your personal life knowing whatever happened. I promise I will not judge you. I will not leave you. I won’t look at you any differently. Now, please. I need to know.”

“I don’t want to ruin your 30th birthday,” Nathan says in a small voice.

“It’s fine. I saw my friends, you wrote me a beautiful song, I had a good dinner. All in all a great day. Now tell me.”

Nathan lets out a defeated sigh and gets up from the bathroom floor, “Not in here. I want to go sit on the bed.”

Justin follows him to the bed and sits next to him. He rubs the spot between his shoulder blades to keep him calm and after several minutes, Nathan decides to start from the beginning.

“My mother moved to New York when she was 19 years old. Her name was Dima and she was from Syria. She had the American dream in place but the only way she would be able to enter the country without her family knowing was to do so illegally. She couldn’t find a job easily because she couldn’t speak English so she spent what she could on a tutor. That tutor ended up being my father. He was the head of the language department and knew like six different languages so he began teaching her English. He got her comfortable with him then threatened to call deportation on her if she didn’t obtain citizenship. He supposedly said he couldn’t keep up the farce any longer and a true patriot wouldn’t hide such a lie. It was total bullshit. He didn’t care that she was illegal. He just wanted to manipulate her. He told her that if she married him, he could get her into the University he worked at tuition free and she would be an American citizen. So she ended up agreeing. He didn’t get her into the school. He lied to her.”

“He raped her. On a regular basis. She was afraid to leave. I’m sure I’m the product of spousal rape. I’m shocked that she had it in her to love me but she was a strong woman who knew that I wasn’t at fault for my father’s darkness. I was close to her. I loved her. But it wasn’t enough. He beat the both of us to keep us in line. She wasn’t allowed to spend her money she made at the restaurant she worked at. She was to give all of her tips and checks to him. But at some point she decided skim money off the top of her tips and save up for some Christmas presents for me. We weren’t allowed to celebrate or buy instruments. One year, she got a small tree from the neighbors that they didn’t want and he left her bruised and bloody before throwing the tree out. But this time she bought a tree, a real one, and even got some ornaments for it. I came home that day and the whole living room was decorated. I was so fucking happy that I couldn’t see that it was one last ‘fuck you’ to my father. He came home later that night, saw the place, and whipped her with his belt before throwing the gifts in the dumpster and setting them on fire for good measure. I cried at the sight of my mom’s wounds but what hurt even worse was her lifeless expression. I should have known she was thinking about doing something drastic but I was eight so I w-wasn’t sure what was going through her head. She sent me to bed, kissed my forehead, and told me that she loved me. Then I woke up to find her hanging by the ceiling fan.”

He can hear Justin sniffling but he keeps going. If he stops now, he’ll never find the courage to continue later.

“The police ruled it as a suicide. It probably was. I don’t know. I don’t want to think of the possibility of my father murdering my mother. But even if it was a suicide, I don’t understand why they didn’t look into her bruises and welts. It had to be obvious she was getting abused. I think he might have had a couple of friends on the force at the time. I wouldn’t know. He never brought anyone around and I didn’t know anything about his life at his job or outside our home. But I was left with him for eight more years. My mom had hidden a guitar in my closet. It was one of the presents she got me right before she died and I didn’t find it until after she passed. I still have it at my apartment. I’m still shocked that my father didn’t destroy it to rip my heart out.”

“God, Nathan. Fuck-” Justin cries.

“I’m not finished,” Nathan croaks out.

“The next eight years...they were bad, Justin. I was hit and burned. I received broken bones and bloody noses. I truly believed I was worthless because he told me that everyday. He got pure joy out of hurting me. He reveled in it. I honestly believed that one day I would die at his hands and I even tried to tell someone once but they knew him as this upstanding person in the community and it didn’t get that far. I ended up paying the consequences. Even though my dad hated me and loved to see me completely broken, he didn’t seem to care all that much that I was gay but if he could hurt me in other ways and that was something he could use, he would do it. I was seeing this boy from my class. It was in secret. His parents were strict Muslims and I didn’t want to give my father any ammunition. He told me he was going to be gone all week at a conference so I took a risk and brought Mo back to the apartment. We hadn’t done much at that point. Exchanged a few handjobs in the boy’s locker room and made out basically. All we were doing was kissing when my father walked in. Most parents would be angry or embarrassed. The look on his face was evil. It was just this really subtle smile. One that said, “I know how to fuck you over and I’m going to do it.” He ended up calling Mo’s parents and they sent him away. I never saw him again. I’m guessing he still hates me.”

Nathan takes a deep breath. This is the last part. Only a few more things to say and he’ll be done.

“He went to several conferences, weekend getaways, shit like that. I loved when he would leave because I wouldn’t have to worry about him hurting me. But I found out what the trips were for when he left his bedroom door open and I saw some of the clothes from his suitcase on his bed. I saw this...this shirt with blood on it. I usually avoided his room like the plague but something was telling me to go in and look at what it was. I knew that something sinister was going on in my father’s world. The shirt had been sprayed with blood. There aren’t many excuses for that sort of thing. Maybe it was an animal he hit or whatever but I knew deep down that wasn’t the case. But what told me that my father was a murderer were the locks of hair he had in his suitcase.”

“I heard his voice behind me. He said, “Well, aren’t you quite the detective?” I was scared down to my core but I asked, “What did you do?” He laughed and tilted his head then said, “What does it look like, son?” I told him he was insane. That he was evil. I kept crying and saying what did you do over and over, even though I knew what he was now. He grabbed me by the shoulders and tackled me to the floor, held my hands above my head and pulled my pants down. He whispered in my ear, “I’ll show you what I did to those women. First thing I did was fuck them until they screamed.” And that’s when he...fuck, out of all the times he hurt me, I had never felt that much pain and terror. He made me bleed. He...he kept going and grunted in my ear, hitting me whenever he felt the urge. By the time he came in me, I was in shock. I was just lying there not even moving. He pulled out, kicked me in the ribs and in the stomach then said, “If you say a word, I will make sure you suffered more than they did.”

He can feel Justin crying into his neck, whispering, “Oh god! Nathan, please! God!”

But he keeps going. He can’t stop.

“He left and went in the other room. And I just stayed there for a few minutes. I knew that my father would figure out a way to make sure I didn’t talk. Whether that be by pulling me out of school to hold me in some cellar like he did those women or just by killing me immediately, he would do something. And I...I went crazy for a couple of minutes. I realized that I couldn’t live in a world where he controlled me.”

He’s feeling really tired. But Justin deserves to know. He deserves to know why he deserves better than Nathan.

“I...I went to get a butcher knife from the kitchen and held it behind my back. I figured I wouldn’t be able to beat him. He was stronger than me. But if the knife was there when he disarmed me, maybe he would use it on me and I could be with my mom. So I went up to him and I told him I was going to ruin him. That I would make sure the world knew he was a sociopathic killer. That he would rot in hell. By the look on his face, I knew he didn’t expect that stuff to come out of my mouth. I was always too afraid to talk back to him. So he charged at me and grabbed my throat and, I don’t know if I acted out of reflex or changed my mind but I...I stabbed him. In the stomach and then in the chest. He was dead before I could call 911. I became him. I did. I became-”

“Oh, baby. You didn’t,” Justin says, gasping as he brings Nathan’s head down to his chest, “It was self-defense.”

“That’s what it was ruled by the police. I didn’t go to federal court. Just had a small hearing where I told them pretty much everything I told you. They found the hair and the bloody shirt and were able to determine that it belonged to a missing woman from New Jersey. He usually killed women from New Jersey. He would torture and rape them, keeping them alive for days before ending their lives. They confirmed at least three killings. You’ve probably heard of him. Victor Hall?”

When Justin stiffens, Nathan knows the man knows exactly who he’s talking about.

“That was a big case. They mentioned that he was killed in self-defense by a potential victim. I don’t remember your or any name, for that matter, in the papers though.”

“I was a minor so my identity couldn’t be used by the media and I kept my head down. I changed my name anyway. I just closed my eyes and pointed in an old phonebook for a first name and for a last name and got Nathan Ash out of it then changed it legally once I was living with this foster family in Illinois. Despite having all this shit happen here, New York has always been my home and I knew I wanted to live here. The thought of being Victor Hall II for the rest of my life, especially in this city, made me sick.”

“I...I don’t blame you,” Justin tells him, tears still coming down his face.

Nathan lets out a sigh, “Anyway, I don’t know if you remember this, but the reason they found his cellar was because someone he left alive to return to in order to torture more escaped. He had left her with all these gashes but she made it out. I heard a plastic surgeon offered his services for free to minimalize the damage but some of the deeper scars he couldn’t completely get rid of....She was at the restaurant.”

“...The busgirl?”

Nathan nods, “I should have said something to her. Like, ‘I’m so fucking sorry my father tortured you and you are so strong for escaping in a way that I never could.’ But all I could feel was panic and guilt. I had to leave. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Justin says forcefully, “None of this is your fault. Your reaction was completely normal. I don’t know what I would do. God...fuck. I am so fucking sorry Nathan. I am so sorry you had to go through that for such a long time. It breaks my heart.”

Nathan sniffles and covers his eyes. He struggles at first but he gives in when Justin has him lay his head on his shoulder. He takes comfort in the soothing sounds Justin makes as rubs his neck and hair.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Nathan chokes out, “No one knows. Not the band, not any of my friends. No one would want to sign us if they knew.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” Justin sighs, “I think you should tell Petra someday though. She really loves you.”

“I know that. I just can’t, okay? I talk to a therapist sometimes but there’s really not much left to say.”

Justin doesn’t seem to know what else to say either so he pulls Nathan’s face away from his neck and kisses him gently on the lips.

“We’ll figure it out. Get some rest. I’ll hold you while you fall asleep.”

He doesn’t know how he can be tired after rehashing the nightmare that was his life but as soon as his head hits the pillows and Justin’s arms wrap around him, he feels his eyelids get heavy and he’s asleep within ten minutes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He wakes up the next morning, groggy and exhausted. However, the smell of bacon and eggs does remind him he threw his dinner up last night and he was actually pretty hungry.

“Stay right there!” Justin calls out, “I don’t want you moving a muscle.”

It takes a few seconds but Nathan starts to feel the shock go through his body. He told someone. He told someone everything. But Justin’s still here.

Justin loads two plates up with the food and puts them on a tray before carrying them to the bed.

“Hold that,” Justin requests, handing him the tray, “I’ll go get the juice.”

Nathan stares at him in bewilderment as Justin goes back to get the kitchen to get the filled glasses.

“Good morning,” he tells Nathan, giving him a peck before joining him on the bed.

“...What is this?” Nathan asks.

“Breakfast in bed,” Justin answers simply.

Nathan nods absentmindedly as he takes a strip of bacon from the plate.

Justin fills up the silence with chatter and Nathan stares straight ahead, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Yeah, he can’t figure it out.

Fuck it.

“No, Justin. What is this?”

“I told you-”

“And I told you one of the most horrific life stories last night.”

Justin swallows a piece of egg, “You did.”

“Then what...then why-”

“I told you I wasn’t going to dump you, no matter what you told me. I told you I wouldn’t judge you and I haven’t, unless judging in your favor counts.”

Justin lets out a sigh and makes eye contact at that point, “I told you I wouldn’t look at you any differently. That was a lie. I had expected abuse and some sort of assault. I’ve seen the scars on your arms and torso. I didn’t realize that you lived through something the majority of people can’t even comprehend. I didn’t realize how fucking strong you were. The fact that you could survive that and still be here amazes me alone. But you are working towards your goals. You’re a wonderful person. You’re so fucking talented. You’re the bravest person I have ever met. I think even more of you than I did before.”

Nathan blinks his eyes several times and chokes out, “You didn’t even know my name until last night.”

Justin smiles, “Sure I did. It’s Nathan. It fits you much better than your old name did anyway.”

Nathan lets out a laugh that comes out more like a sob. He closes his eyes as Justin brings his head over to kiss it. He’s never felt more relieved.

Justin declares that they will stay in bed for the rest of the day and, after he lets Nathan fuck him, they watch The Yellow Submarine. Nathan can’t hold back a smile as Justin quietly sings the songs under his breath. Not only because Justin looks fucking adorable while doing so but because it’s the moment he realizes he’s in love.