It’s not that bad, right?
You think he looks okay?

Justin waits for Molly to check the text and suppressed a glare when she pulls out her phone and rolls her eyes.

“Molly, don’t text while you’re out to eat with someone,” their mother reminds her as she looks at the menu.

Molly scoffs, “Justin was literally doing the same thing.”

Their mother gives her a look, “All I am saying is that we are here for Nathan. Try to keep him as your focus.”

“Nathan is in the bathroom,” Molly reminds her before quickly tapping out a message and putting her phone away.

Justin’s phone vibrates a few seconds later and he checks it under the table.

Looks like less of a spaz than you do.
Like that’s hard.

Before Justin could shoot off a remark, Nathan comes back to the table.

“I haven’t had much Korean food before. Have you eaten here, Nathan?” Jennifer asks as the man sits back down next to Justin.

As Justin stifles the shiver he feels when their hands brush underneath the table, Nathan nods.

“It’s Nadia’s favorite place to come so we’ve gotten it several times during or after rehearsal. She boasts that it’s the best Korean food she’s ever had but I like that place by our...by your apartment. Dotory? That’s what it was called, right?”

Justin forces himself to nod in confirmation to Nathan’s inquiry and tries to ignore the flicker of pain in his chest at Nathan correcting his words.

“But this place is good too. It’s bigger since it is so close to Times Square. The cast and crew came here for Rebecca’s birthday dinner about a month ago. I know a lot of them liked the Galbi Medallion dish.”

His mother read the description for the dish before nodding, “That does sound good. I think I’ll go with your suggestion.”

Justin ends up going with the brisket, Molly goes with a vegetable filled rice and noodle dish, their dad goes with the scallions, and Tucker gets chicken wings. He gets chicken wings all the fucking time.

And Nathan just gets a salad which makes Justin start irrationally worrying that Nathan might not be eating enough. Nathan’s appetite had always been something that reminded him of Brian’s. He was a better cook than Brian used to be but Nathan had to be prodded at times to eat, especially when he would be in on a creative streak, busy as fuck, or in one of his dark moods.

“You eating enough?” Justin ends up mumbling when everyone else’s attention has directed itself to Molly.

Nathan gives him a strange and almost amused look, “I guess so.”

“So you won’t be hungry later if you just eat a salad now? I know you. You never eat breakfast.”

“I perform better when I’m not full. I’m nervous enough as it is.”

Justin’s eyes crinkle, “Nathan Ash? Nervous on stage? Never.”

Nathan bites his lip to hold back what might be a smile before patting Justin on the leg.

Although the small exchange had been quiet enough to not catch too much of anyone else’s attention, Justin does see the rest of their table alternate turns when it comes to glancing at them questionably. Whether they want to know how the two of them feel about all of this or they wanted to know what small things were said just moments before, Justin doesn’t know. Fuck, he doesn’t know how he feels about what’s going on besides the fact that Nathan looks gorgeous and he wants him to show up at their doorstep with his luggage in hand so that they could pick up where they left off and actually work things out.

But after they all finish their meal and his dad asks for the check and pays for all of them, he has to watch Nathan walk away once they get outside. He has to accept a hug instead of a kiss and a desire that seems to be closer to a pipe dream rather than reality.

Surprisingly it’s his father who puts his hand on his shoulder when Justin finds himself staring at Nathan’s retreating form.

“Maybe we could all do something you want to do?” his dad asks, “Maybe a movie or a museum, last minute tickets to a play you’ve been wanting to see-”

“It’s fine,” Justin interrupts as he shrugs out from underneath the man’s hand, “You all can go do something. I need to work on my paintings. I’m behind.”

And he knows it’s rude. He can feel the daggers his sister is staring at him and the helpless and confused concern rolling off of his mother and his father and even Tucker to some extent. But he really is behind. Spending over a month wallowing hasn’t let him produce as much work as he needs for his showings in June and July so it really is the responsible thing to do, even if it doesn’t make him the best host.

“Okay, sweetheart,” his mom tells him hesitantly but soothingly, “You do what you need to do. The...The four of us will find something to do for the afternoon and we’ll meet you at your apartment around 5:30. I’ll cook us dinner, alright.”

“Sounds good, mom,” Justin answers as he kisses her on the cheek, “Thanks for understanding. I’ll see you later.”

His family goes one way and he goes the other, walking the several avenue blocks to Grand Central to take the 4 so that he can transfer to the L. He decides to paint in his gallery rather than his apartment. Even though Lola is downstairs, nodding hello to him as she fills out shipping details, his studio on the top floor of his gallery feels more private than the confines of his own home, at least while his parents are visiting and his sister is staying with him. Up here, they can’t see what he paints, what emotions end up splashing onto the canvas. They won’t be able to see the Chris Hobbs painting in the utility closet or the one of himself bleeding in a parking garage. They won’t be able to see the new painting he made of Nathan, who Justin still sees as so beautiful even after they broke up. This is his space. No one ever comes up here except for him. It’s like it’s an unspoken rule, almost. Looking back, the fact that he gave Nathan a key to the door really should have been a hint that he loves him, that he has for a long time. And it’s not like he doesn’t know. He’s loved Nathan ever since the man came clean with him and trusted him with everything. He just feels like a fucking asshole over the times he looked back and compared what he feels for Nathan to what he felt for Brian. He’s mad that he wouldn’t embrace what he had without the occasional thoughts drifting into “What if?” territory.

He’s even more upset that he had to watch Nathan walk away again today.

And Justin knows Nathan had a show at 3 and literally had to leave. But he can’t stop thinking about the sight of Nathan Ash’s fucking back.

And that’s what he ends up painting, of all things. Nathan’s retreating form, grown small due to distance but still bright and clear, somehow attracting the sun to him despite the tall buildings of Manhattan. He doesn’t know why the objects closer to the painting’s surface are covered in shadows. Maybe because the farther away Nathan is, the worse he feels? Or possibly because Nathan deserves to be surrounded by light when his life was filled with such darkness.

Justin lets out a sigh. How can he not know how to interpret his own painting?

All he knows is that he needs to try to move on, or at least give Nathan space to love himself and honor his wishes by being his friend. And accept that, at least for now, for a while, or maybe even forever, that is how it is going to stay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He and Brian plan to meet the week after his family leaves but life gets in the way. Justin takes a last minute show in Boston and is gone for two days. Brian gets swamped with an ad campaign, something that Eric had even seemed stressed out by when Justin stopped in Red Hook to have lunch with the man. Then, Brian decides to go on a spontaneous weekend trip to Provincetown with Eric, Lily, and Gus (who he flew down) for his 44th birthday, effectively vetoing Emmett’s plans for a party. Emmett had been pretty pissed when Justin was over there to watch Duncan for a few hours. Mumbling about how it would have been the last true get together Drew could have had with the family and that Brian was their best friend so it would have only been right for Brian to let Emmett throw him a party.

“You throw parties all the time, Emmett,” Justin points out as he helps Duncan get his watercolor paints out.

“And?” Emmett presses, annoyed, while Drew rolls his eyes.

“Say goodbye to our kid and get your jacket on. It’s windy out.”

Emmett lets out a sigh and nods before going over to crouch next to Duncan’s play table.

“I love you, sweetie,” the man says softly as he kisses the boy’s cheek, “Be good for Justin, alright?”

Duncan wipes at his cheek but gives his dad a hug and says, “Love you too, Daddy.”

Emmett heads out in the hall and Drew’s eyes follow him until he turns to Justin, “Sorry about that. I think he’s more upset about me leaving than he lets on. He supports it, but you know…”

“He’ll miss you.”

“And be taking care of Duncan by himself. But he’s a good kid and won’t give his dad any trouble at all. Isn’t that right, champ?”

“Yeah!” Duncan exclaims as Drew picks him up, “And I will be good for Justin too!”

“Good,” Drew nods, “Love you. We won’t be back until after you are in bed but we will be there as soon as you get up.”

“...And if I have a scary dream?” Duncan mumbles, looking down.

“We should be back before you have any nightmares. If you do have one, Justin will be here. Okay? But you’ve been having them less and less. Maybe you won’t have one at all.”

Duncan nods, showing a brave face for his Pa before demanding to be let down so that he could go sit down and paint while Stella sat loyally by his side.

“You have our numbers,” Drew tells him after he clears his throat, “If anything goes wrong or if you have any questions, just let us know. He had his bath earlier this afternoon so he shouldn’t need one unless he gets into something and creates chaos. He has been known to do that occasionally. But he’s usually a really good kid. Try to get him in bed by 9 but it’s the weekend so you can be a little flexible. Any questions before we go?”

Justin shakes his head, “No, I think we’re good. Right, Duncan?”

Duncan nods but is too busy painting with his right hand and patting Stella on the back with his left, making his brush strokes quite jagged and interesting.

“Alright,” Drew says, “Bye, bud.”

“Bye, Pa. Bye, Daddy.” Duncan says, still looking at his picture.

Drew ruffles his hair and Emmett pokes his head back in to say goodbye to his little boy once more before the couple is out the door.

“Need help, buddy?” Justin asks him as he kneels down next to the play table, huffing out a laugh when Stella tries to kiss him on the cheek.

“No. I can do it myself,” Duncan tells him firmly, “But thank you.”

Justin raises an eyebrow at the streak of independence and realizes that this is what Emmett must be talking about when he talks about Duncan’s self-sufficiency.

“Alright,” Justin tells the little boy as he holds his hands up, “But if you have any questions about painting, I’m the guy to ask. That’s the one thing I know like the back of my hand.”

“I will let you know,” Duncan answers sympathetically, “But it’s for Lily. And my next picture is for Pa, and the picture after that is for Daddy. It has to be from me, not you and me.”

“Fair enough,” Justin nods, holding back an amused smile, “I’ll let you get to it then and make you some dinner. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need any help, okay? I’m just going to pop our dinner in the oven.

The whole night goes smoothly. Duncan becomes more rambunctious after his masterpieces are finished and food is in their bellies but it’s in a good way, one that makes Justin play Power Rangers with him. Duncan is set on being the Red Ranger and Justin takes Duncan’s advice when the little boy says that he should be the Blue Ranger. Duncan randomly gets bummed that Lily isn’t there to play the Yellow Ranger like she always does and asks if she can come over but Justin is forced to break his heart.

“But why not?” Duncan asks tearfully.

“Because she went on a trip with her parents and Gus. She’ll be back Sunday night.”

“But I want her back now,” Duncan sniffles.

“It’s just a couple of days. Now, what do the Power Rangers say when they transform?” Justin asks, trying to get Duncan to cheer up.

Duncan hops on the couch and stands up, “It’s morphin’ time!”

“It’s morphing time!” Justin agrees.

The rest of the night goes smoothly after that. And when he tucks Duncan in and gets a hug and a “Thank you for playing with me, Jus” for his efforts, the broken heart he’s been harboring for over a month feels a little lighter.

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“So, how much older do you feel?” Justin gets to ask Brian the following Wednesday when they go to a Thai restaurant in Chelsea.

Brian glares but then smirks, “You know, there are some good things about having a teenage son. Like being able to get him his own room and saddling him down with Lily while I fuck my husband into oblivion. So if you are asking how flexible I still am after my many years on Earth, I would have to say ‘very.’”

Justin huffs and shakes his head but lets his eyes soften, “See? Still young and beautiful.”

Brian groans, “God, you sound like Mikey. Your successful relaunch is making his ways rub off on you.”

“Yep. That’s it.”

The conversation dies down momentarily while they get their food. Brian takes a few bites of his own before glancing up at Justin.

“I hear you are working non-stop on your paintings. Feeling the heat due to deadlines?”

“Yeah,” Justin sighs as he twirls the drunken noodles with his fork, “Two big shows within the next month and a half. I should be okay though. I’ve got a lot of pieces lined up for it that I’m proud of.”

“Good for you. Eric and I are still planning on attending the one in June.”

“That...that’s good to hear, actually. It would be nice to have the support. With…”

“Nathan not around?” Brian guesses.

“Yeah. He usually came to pretty much all of my gallery events and showings around the city. Traveled with me to the ones out of the way at least half of the time. I don’t know, things are weird without him, I guess.”

Brian nods, stares at him, then clears his throat, “I get it. Keep busy. It helps take your mind off of bad shit.”

“That’s what I have been doing,” Justin points out, “It’s worked a little. Makes life hectic though.”

“I’ve been working non-stop so I realize that.”

Justin raises his eyebrows in concern and Brian shakes his head.

“Things are great. It’s not the same situation as it is with you. Eric and I are better than ever. It’s just that the New York branch of Kinnetik is new and we took on a bunch of campaigns for the summer and fall. I’m the CEO. I need to get shit done and I’m taking off a few months in the winter and early spring. I need to put in my share of the work and keep my entry levels on their toes in fear.”

“Why are you taking a few months off?” Justin curiously asks, ignoring the last snarky comment made by the older man.

But Brian looks strange for a second, almost guilty, before he lets out a sigh.

“Eric and I...we got a surrogate the first day of May. It moved really quickly, surprisingly. It wasn’t the first time she had done this and we went through the process with Lily. We liked her and she was ready when we were. The agency set up the procedure within a few days and we found out that it took the other day. The wonders of early pregnancy detection, I guess. So, if everything goes smoothly, we have a baby coming in late January, early February. I’m trying to work hard now so that I can be at home more later.”

Justin blinks a few times before trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, “Shit.”

“That’s not the answer I was expecting to hear.”

Justin huffs, “What did you expect, Brian? I lost my boyfriend because I wanted a family. I’m not going to be the most enthusiastic person right now.”

Justin feels a stab of guilt when Brian looks away and down at his food.

“I’m sorry,” Justin says softly, “I didn’t mean to react like a dick, okay? I’m...I’m glad that you and Eric are having another baby. I’m sure he or she will be beautiful. I’m just being selfish. I guess I’m envious. Sorry.”

Brian stays silent then shrugs non-committedly, “No apologies, no regrets.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

Brian sighs, “I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. We don’t even want to tell anyone until the end of July when we go in for Mel’s birthday. I guess I felt the need to explain myself after saying that I would be taking time from work. I guess maybe I felt the need to tell someone.”

Justin forces a smile, “I’m glad you told me first.”

“Yeah, right.”

“I am. Really, I am.”

Justin was telling the truth when he said that he was happy that Brian told him first. He’s happy for them. He really is.

And that’s why he waits until he gets to his studio to shed a few tears about his own life being at such a standstill.