BRIAN’S POV

********************
Who you are
Is who you are!
Your endless tricks,
Your vintage car.
Do you love these more than me?
Would you rather just be free?

Shut the fuck up, my little Suess mister.

“Brian? Brian. Don’t move. I’m trying to unbutton your shirt.” Huh? Why are you whispering?

“If you’re going to take my hand out of my pants, Sunshine, you better be putting yours back in it.” God, my neck hurts.

“Whisper Brian. Be still.” Fine. Whatever.

I drove your car in the rain.
I have to leave you on a plane.
I guess there’s nothing left to say,
Tomorrow I fly far away!

“Huh!” Shit!

“Don’t move. You’re gonna get hurt.”

“Lindsay?” Shit. Wrong blonde.

“Ssshhh. The kitten is stuck inside your shirt. You fell asleep with Gus. I’ve almost got her out. Be still.” Oh shit.

“Did you just take my hand out of my pants?”

“Pretend I didn’t, and you’ll feel better.” Yeah, no shit. “I hope you have more than one of this shirt. It’s a little snagged. She panicked when she woke up.” That makes two of us.

“Yeah, two or three.”

No wonder I dreamed that Justin was sucking on my nipples, that his tongue was really rough and scratchy. I was kind of liking it. She frees Twink who looks like she’s seen a ghost.

“Be careful when you get up. Don’t wake him up. He needs to sleep for a least another hour.”

So do I.

I follow her back out to the living room. Twink glares at me from her arms. I glare back.

“So how many times did he make you read Green Eggs and Ham?” She thinks I’m such a pushover.

“Once. I only read it once. Apparently, not even all the way through. I don’t let him run the show, Linds.”

“Right. That’s why he’s sleeping in those old pajamas and his leather jacket. He looks like the ring leader of an Oliver Twist street gang.”

“Yeah, whatever. He peed standing up.” So there.

“You’re kidding?! He did! Oh Brian, thank you!” Quit hugging me. Jesus.

“Yeah, he did. On his first try, too. I was pretty proud of him. Only—“

“Only what?”

“Only he thinks that boys pee standing up because they’re fathers, not because they’re boys.” She’s the second person today to look at me like I’m an alien. Well, the third, really, if you count Justin.

“Okay. Why?”

“It’s a long story. Do they let parents come eat lunch with their kids at his school? I was wondering if I could do that.”

“Sure. Parents do it all the time.” I wish she’d quit looking at me like that.

“What time to do they eat lunch?”

“Eleven forty-five on the dot.”

“That early? Who in hell eats lunch that early?”

“Large groups of small children who need to nap.”

“Right. Well, I could probably come one day this week—Wednesday or later. Just tell me what I need to do to set it up. I just think I need to be with him in that setting. I don’t think doing it here is going to be a problem.” She hands me a magnet with the school’s phone number on it. I guess I’m officially a father now. She hugs me again and kisses me on the cheek as I walk out the front door.

“Better be careful, Brian. That anti-Dad armor might be starting to chip.” I roll my eyes at her. “We’ll see you tonight.”

“Gus drew some pictures for Justin. Make sure that—“

“We’ll bring them. Don’t worry.”

Yeah really, I’ve got enough to worry about.

********************
stop in the name of love
before you break my heart

There are no cars in Jennifer’s driveway, which is either a good thing or a bad thing. I’m not really sure. She looks more than a little surprised to see me, but then relieved.

“Hey, Brian. Come in.”

“Hey.” I nod toward the stairs. “He here?” Seems awfully quiet. All of a sudden I know the answer before I ask the question.

“No. I was hoping you were him when I heard a car pull up.”

“Oh. I thought—he told me—he was coming here to pack.”

“He was here a few hours ago.” She’s studying my face which I’m trying to keep as blank as possible. “But then he left all of a sudden.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll just—“ I step back toward the door, my hand gripping the doorknob a little too hard.

“He wasn’t even here for fifteen minutes.” Fifteen minutes? Okay.

“Do you know where he went?” I sound so fucking desperate. Not like she hasn’t seen me like this before. What the fuck does it matter?

“I think he’s at the museum with Emmett. Emmett came by shortly after he left.” He’s with Emmett. Okay. Good.

“I should get to the loft, start packing his things.” Her hand is on my arm. She smells like cookie dough. My mother never smelled like cookie dough—more like liquor and cigarettes disguised by some hideous perfume.

“What happened? You know when you talked to him about the hospital? Is that why he’s upset?” Shit. I turn around and look at her face; she’s worried sick.

“No, not really.” Fuck, I don’t know. “I talked to him though.”

“And?” She pulls me back inside and closes the door. I let the door close behind me and sit with her in the kitchen.

“There’s a reason he’s skipping his appointments. It’s just not the reason we thought.”

“Well, then what? What is it?” He should be telling her this, not me.

“I ended up having an accidental, long talk with Daphne yesterday, which led to my long talk with him.”

*********************
OFC POV—TINA THE WAITRESS

someday we’ll be together

earlier today

It’s slow today, which is pretty much par for the course on a Sunday, especially a cloudy Sunday like this one. We’re so much busier during the week when all of the offices around here are open and people are in and out for lunch. I don’t mind it when it’s slow because I just sit here behind the counter and doodle. It’s stupid, but it passes the time. Today I’m trying to draw a side view of the cash register. It’s one of those old timey ones. We don’t use it, but it’s still behind the counter. I like it. I’ll bet it’s really collectible, bet you could get a shit load for it on ebay.

Yesterday, I drew a pretty good picture of Luther while he was cooking. He didn’t even know I was doing it. I might show it to him. I haven’t decided yet. I’m not sure if I like it enough. Maybe I’ll work on it a little more and give it to him for his birthday or Christmas or something. He’s always so nice to me. I’d ask Marie for her opinion on it, but she’d just go and blab to Luther that I drew a picture of him. Marie can’t keep a secret. She’s not like me, I can keep secrets. I know a lot of things that I don’t tell anybody.

People come in this “diner posing as a coffee shop” for a lot of different reasons. Most people come here because they want something. They want something to eat, to drink, they want companionship, or a way to kill some time. Or like Luther, who’s been cooking here for over twenty years, they want a place where they feel like they fit in, a place where they’re not rejected, a place where people respect them. Marie, my counterpart—if you could call someone who’s more than twice my age with no personal hygiene my counterpart--well, she just wants Luther. And Big Mac, Willis, according to his mother, he just wants attention. He’s never gonna get that here. Then again, Luther says that he really wants me, but if he does, he’s sure got a funny way of showing it. Me? I want a little bit of spending money for the mall when I hang with out with my friends, and more than anything else—

I want him.

He doesn’t want anything when he comes here. He comes here because he needs to.

He always leaves his car parked in the museum parking lot when he walks over here, just like he’s doing now. Always stops on the yellow line in the middle of the four lane road in between the museum and this “lame ass excuse for a coffee shop because it’s really just a diner” and looks back and forth three times before crossing all the way. I’ve been watching him do this for almost a year. His sketch pad is always tucked under his arm. He always has at least three pencils in his hand.

There’s something about him that looks different today.

“You know, I talked to him once.” She talked to him once. Marie. No way. She’s like fifty-something with badly dyed hair and coffee stained teeth. No fair.

“You’re kidding me? You talked to him?” She’s smacking her gum right in my ear. I hate that.

“Sure did. He asked me to sharpen his pencils once.” I wish she’d quit filing her fingernails over the food prep area. That’s disgusting.

“When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I guess I just forgot or you wasn’t working that day or something. I don’t know. It was months ago, anyway.” Months ago? And she’s just now telling me?

He just walked in the door. He’s wearing my favorite jeans and a shirt I’ve never seen. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wear a dress shirt like that before.

“Tell me, Marie. Tell me right now. Tell me everything.”

“There ain’t much to tell, Tina.”

He’s sitting down at his favorite booth in the back corner, just like always. I’m gonna swoon myself to death.

“Tell me right now.”

“Good lord, girl. Fine. I was refillin’ his coffee or something, and he was drawing. You know, just like he always is—“

“Right, right.”

“And I said, ‘can I get you anything else, honey?’”

“Right.”

“And he said, ‘I don’t suppose you have a pencil sharpener in the back, do you?’”

“Get out, Marie.” She got to touch his pencils.

“I ain’t makin’ this up, girl. So, I said, ‘yeah, we sure do. Boss does the books in pencil.’ And then he asked me if he could use it, and I told him to just give them to me, and I’d sharpen them for him. So he did, and then he left me a five dollar tip. Biggest tip I ever got in this place from just one person.”

“You’re a total bitch for just now telling me that Marie.”

“I didn’t think about it, girl. I swear.”

He’s starting to draw right now, looking out the window like he always does. Only the thing is, he doesn’t draw what’s out the window. It took me a long time to figure that out because when I draw, I look at what I’m drawing. He doesn’t have to do that. He’ll stare out the window for awhile, and then he’ll put pencil to paper and something amazing will end up on the page. It’s really cool to watch. Sometimes I’ll pretend to be clearing off the table behind him just so I can watch him over his shoulder.

“I’m tellin’ you right now, Tina, that boy’s a fag.” Oh god, I thought Big Mac was in the walk-in unloading today’s delivery.

“Shut up, Big Mac.” Asshole.

“Yeah, Big Mac. Shut up. Ain’t nobody talkin’ to you.” You tell him Marie.

“Oh my god. Look at him, Marie. He’s beautiful. Don’t you think he looks beautiful today?” I wish I knew his name. He looks like he didn’t shave or something. That’s so hot.

“Only if you think faggots are beautiful.” That’s it.

“Shut up, Big Mac. Go take the trash out or something. Leave us alone.”

“That’s not my job.” That’s not my job.

“Luther!”

“Go take the trash out, Willis.” He’ll listen to Luther. He’s scared of him.

“Fuck you, bitches. And don’t call me Willis, Luther. My name’s ‘Big Mac.’” Yeah, like he gets a lot of street cred with a name like ‘Big Mac.’

“Not until you work at Mac-Donald’s, boy. Go take out the trash and leave those girls alone.”

“Thank you, Luther.” You want something done around here, ask Luther.

“Well, I guess I better go over there and take his order.” He’s in Marie’s section today. Just my luck.

***************************
take a chance on me

I watch her take his order. He’s facing this way, so I can see his face. He’s not smiling much, though. Not as much as usual. All he ordered was coffee. Guess Marie’s not getting a very big tip today.

“I’m gonna go over there and refill his coffee, Marie.”

“He’s in my section Tina. I’m not just gonna let you go over there and take my customer.” Oh, come on, Marie.

“Please, Marie. He hasn’t been in here in like for--ever. This might be my big chance.”

“Okay, but the only reason I’m doing this is because you’re a young girl, and like Ms. Whitney Houston says, ‘I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and help them lead the way. Show them all the—‘“

“We get it Marie. You’re the next Whitney Houston.” No wonder we don’t have any customers in here. “What’s he drinking? Leaded or unleaded?”

“Shit, I don’t remember. I just take both. Man, these pantyhose are riding up my ass today.”

“You suck, Marie.” And she’s makes a dollar more an hour than I do. That’s just wrong.

“And I swallow too, honey. Ain’t that right, Luther?”

“Huh?”
*************************
You are an obsession
You're my obsession

He’s really concentrating on whatever he’s working on. He’s right-handed and his left hand always lays over his other pencils, like he’s afraid they’re gonna roll off the table or something. It’s really sweet, actually. He’s so focused. I hate to even interrupt him. It’s just that he hasn’t been in here in weeks. He was coming here almost every Sunday for a while and then about a month ago, he just quit. I wasn’t even sure if I’d even see him again. And then today, here he is out of the blue, looking so much older, so different, so………sad almost. He’s pushed his coffee cup out of the way. I guess that’s my cue. Deep breath. You can do this. He won’t bite.

“Need a refill?”

I’ve never seen a guy who can draw like he can. He’s amazing. I’m not even sure what he’s drawing right now. Looks like a bed with those poles on it. I’ve always wanted a bed like that. What do you call those things?

“Sure.”

He’s not looking at my double coffee pot gesture here. Guess I’ll have to ask.

“What’re you drinking?”

“Oh, sorry. The hard stuff.”

I’m gonna faint if he smiles at me like that again. I’ve never seen anyone with such beautiful blue eyes. They’re the exact same color as the bottom of my Aunt Sheila’s above ground pool---when it’s clean.

“I don’t mean to be nosy or anything, but you draw really well.” I can draw, but nothing like him.

“Huh?” Shut up, Tina, he’s not even listening to you.

“I said you draw really well. I’ve seen you in here before, drawing and stuff.”

“Oh, thank you. It’s a bit of an obsession with me, actually.” You’re a bit of an obsession for me. Whoa.

“What’re you drawing?” What a dumb question.

“Oh, this? It’s just a bed.”

“Looks like a fancy bed to me.” ‘A fancy bed to me.’ What a stupid thing to say.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He’s so cute when he laughs. “It was in a hotel suite. It was pretty fancy.” Oh.

“Is that what you do? Housekeeping in a hotel?” Does he look like someone who makes beds for a living, Tina?

My face is so red. He’s laughing at me. I think.

“No, I’m an artist, actually.” Of course you are. Tina, you dumbass. “And I work at a diner, very similar to this one.” He does? Get out.

“It’s a nice picture. I mean even though it’s a messy bed.” Why do I let these words come out of my mouth?

To see him smile like that, that’s why. I’d do anything for that.

“Yeah, it is kind of a mess isn’t it? Sometimes I think that there’s a quiet beauty in ordinary, everyday things, you know? Like a bed like this, or a jacket hanging on the back of a door.”

Or you, sitting in this dump of a diner that pretends to pose as a coffee shop all by yourself drawing a picture of an unmade bed. That’s quietly beautiful.

“I know what you mean. Sometimes I look at all of these cups of coffee I pour every day, and one of them will look like it means something, you know? Like it goes on forever.”

“I’ve drawn many cups of coffee in my life. Believe me.” We’ve both drawn cups of coffee. We have something in common.

“Yo! Tina! You’ve got other customers!” You’re a dead man, Big Mac. A dead man.

“I’ve, um---can I get you anything else?”

“Actually, a blueberry muffin would be great.”

He wants me to get him a blueberry muffin. He wants me to get him a blueberry muffin. He’s never asked me to get him anything before. This is the first time. Oh my god. I should turn around and leave the table now. Turn around. Move your feet, you idiot. The man wants a blueberry muffin. Go get him one. Now. Go. Do it. What are you waiting for? Move your ass.

“I’ll be right back with that muffin for you.”

“Great.”

Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod.

****************************
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: no time to talk.

Luther better have made some blueberry muffins today. I’m not going to go tell him that he has to pick another kind of muffin. Then he’ll just think I’m an idiot for not knowing what kind of muffins we’re serving today in the first place. Oh god, he works in a diner. He’ll know there’s no excuse for not knowing the kind of muffins we have today. If we don’t have any blueberry muffins, my life is officially over.

“Luther, please tell me we have some blueberry muffins!”

“I’m pulling them out of the oven right now.” I have never loved Luther more than I do right now at this very moment.

“I need the biggest one you’ve got. The best one in the whole bunch on the cleanest plate in this place.”

“For who, the Pope?”

“No, for—“

“For the faggot, Luther. She needs a muffin for the faggot.”

“Shut the fuck up, Big Mac.”

“He can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, but I’m telling you girl, that boy fucks a man…..” Oh, that’s just hilarious, Big Mac. Just hilarious.

“Does your mother wear Enjoli Big Mac? She’s probably had the same bottle since nineteen seventy-five. He’s not gay. Just because he dresses nicely, has nice hair, is polite---"

“Draws pictures of naked men—"

“He does not!”

“Oh yes, he does Tina. I’ve seen ‘em. I’m telling you girl, your little boyfriend is a fudge packer.”

“All right, both of you, that’s enough! The customers are going to hear you. Tina, your little boy’s gonna hear you. Go take him his muffin. And you, Willis, if I hear you say one more ugly word about him, you’ll be outside picking up garbage for the rest of your shift.” Luther’s pissed now.

“What you need, Tina, is someone like me, someone like Big Mac here. They call me ‘Big Mac’ because I have a special sauce just for the la-dies.” Big Mac’s the poster child for birth control.

“Did you hear me, Willis?” Luther’s ‘bout had it with Big Mac today and we’re not even done with lunch.

“Yes.”

“Then shut up, boy. I’m tired of listening to you run your mouth.”
********************

If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody baby

I feel ridiculously proud of this blueberry muffin that I’m carrying over to him right now. Never in my life have I felt proud of a muffin. I need to have my head examined.

“Here’s your muffin. And I brought you some extra butter because I didn’t know if you wanted butter or not, so I figured I’d just go ahead and bring you some now, so if you needed it you’d already have it, you know?”

“Thanks.”

“Plus, this is a really big muffin. It was like the biggest one back there. And Luther just made them. It came straight out of the oven. Straight out. It’s still warm. See? Feel it?”

Oh my god, I’m a fucking spaz. I just felt his muffin.

“It’s great. Thank you.”

Walk away. Walk away.

“Okay, well if you need anything else, just…. I mean, I’ll just check back in a minute and see if you need anything else.”

“Okay.”

Leave. Now.

“You don’t need any more coffee yet, do you?” Just shut up, Tina. Shut up. “Cause I can get you some right now, if you need it.”

“No really, I’m fine. Maybe in a few minutes.”

He wants me to check back in a few minutes.

How many minutes is a few? I can’t remember.

Shit. I can’t remember.

“Okay. Enjoy your muffin.”

“Thanks. Hey, wait a minute.” Oh shit. There’s something wrong with his muffin.

“Yeah?”

“I was just wondering. Do you know if they’re gonna close this place down or something?” Close this place down? Why?

“I don’t think so. Why?” They better not do that. I’ll never see you again. Oh god. Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.

“I was just wondering. I haven’t been here in weeks, but it’s never this dead on a Sunday. I was just at the museum, and a bunch of the exhibits are being pulled. It just seems like this area of town is shutting down, you know?” You know, he’s right. I never even pay attention to stuff like that. The dry cleaners next to us closed two weeks ago, and the florist a block down is closing at the end of the month. I know because one of my friends works there. I never thought about this place shutting down.

“Gee, I don’t know. No one’s said anything to me. I just work here, you know? I’m just the help.” And apparently incapable of making intelligent conversation.

“Right. Well, I hope not. I’m really gonna miss this place. It’ll totally suck if it’s gone too when I get back. Thanks.”

Get back? Where are you going?

*******************
It’s in his kiss.

I’ve never seen this man that just walked in here, this guy that’s sitting down with him. Nobody ever comes and sits with him when he’s here. He’s always alone. He wants to be alone. Why would anybody bother him? I want to just walk over there and tell that guy to leave—but he looks happy to see him, sort of, I guess. Shit.

“Don’t look now Tina, but there’s your boyfriend’s boyfriend.” No. No way. “What’d I tell you?”

“Get away from me, Big Mac. Your breath reeks.”

He just kissed him. I’ve never even seen this guy before, and he just walks right in and kisses him.

“Ha! See, I was right! Walked right in and kissed him.” I wish Big Mac could be quiet for just one fucking minute.

“Willis, go finish breakin’ down those boxes in the storage room like I told you to half an hour ago.” You know he isn’t going to listen to you, Luther.

“I’ll go, now that every single one of you knows I’m right.”

He’s not right. He can’t be right. There’s no way he’s right.

“Luther, when you see Marie, tell her I’m taking my break now.” I can’t watch this.

“I’ll make you some scrambled eggs and an English muffin, honey, on the house. I’ll bring it to you.” He’s so nice to me. Shit, here comes Marie.

“You should see what he whipped up for me last night, girl. Ain’t that right, Luther?”

“Get some help, Marie.”

*******************************

I always feel like somebody’s watching me

If I had any sense in my head, I’d go take my break in the back like I usually do. I wouldn’t be sitting here right behind him in this empty booth, pretending to read my stupid romance novel, trying to eavesdrop on his conversation with his “boyfriend.”

“What do you mean ‘no happily ever after’? You were dressed for the occasion. That I know, for sure.”

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got all afternoon, sweetie. Start talking. And get me a waiter. I need a double non-fat caramel macchiato with three extra pumps of caramel right this minute.”

Yeah, well, um, we don’t have that here, dude. This isn’t a real coffee shop.

“I don’t even know where to start, Em.”

“Well, then, start at the beginning. When I last saw you yesterday, you were smiling so much, I thought your face was going to stick that way. I mean, you almost pushed the three of us into that elevator, if you know what I mean.”

“Here’s your eggs and English muffin, Tina. Hot and just the way you like them.” Shit, I missed what he said after that.

“Thanks Luther.”

“Do you want me to warm up your coffee?” He’s being so nice to me today.

“Sure.” I don’t want to get up.

“I wish I had a rich, gorgeous boyfriend to model for, like you do.”

That guy’s not his boyfriend.

”It’s not always everything it’s cracked up to be, Em.”

So he has a boyfriend. A rich boyfriend.

”Well, honey, what’s wrong. What happened? What are you doing at this sorry excuse FOR A COFFEE SHOP when you should be at home packing for L.A.? You’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow morning? Or have you forgotten?”

Which means…..……he is gay.

Oh god, he’s gay.

And he’s really leaving.

Oh god, he’s really leaving.

”No, I haven’t forgotten. I’m not an idiot.”

No, you’re not the idiot.

I am.

I can’t listen to this.

”Honey, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you. Tell me what happened.”

”I’m not sure I know what happened, Emmett. I fucked up. I left him there.”

I can’t believe I made such a fool out of myself.

”Okay, okay, sweetie, before you get all worked up, just give me a minute. I think I’ve got just the thing. I’ll be right back. Just sit tight.”

I can’t believe I’ve been watching him come in here for almost a year---waiting all this time just to get up the nerve to talk to him---

Oh god.

“Want some company, sweetheart?” Marie. “Hey, are you okay? You look like you’re crying.”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You haven’t touched your lunch.”

“Marie, I can’t explain okay. I just have to go.”

“Go?”

“I just have to. I’m sorry.”

I have to get out of here. Right now.

********************
…………..wipeout…………….

“Honey, honey, I am so, so sorry, this is all my fault. I don’t know what is taking Justin so long. Just don’t move, okay? I don’t want you to move it until we get a first aid kit out here.”

His name is Justin.

I’m so embarrassed. I’ve wanted to meet him forever but not like this—sprawled on a sidewalk in a twisted waitress’ uniform with a throbbing, bleeding ankle and a huge run in my pantyhose. Although, his friend is pretty funny. He’s freaking out, keeps talking to himself. This is all my fault. I’ve hurt the poor little thing. It’s not all his fault. We just ran smack into each other when I was running out the door, and he was running back in with his box full of donuts. It was pretty funny, actually—after he helped me back onto the sidewalk. I think I’ve twisted my ankle and scraped it pretty bad. He kind of pushed me off the curb. My foot’s bleeding underneath my pantyhose. That’s so attractive. He’s getting antsy waiting for Justin.

Justin--what a beautiful name.

“Let me see what’s taking him so long.” Every time you open the door to this place, the smell just hits you. This sidewalk is cold as hell. “Justin! What’s taking so long?”

”This guy can’t hear me, Emmett. I think he’s got headphones on or something.”

“Tell him his name is Big Mac and to just walk back there. Just go in the kitchen. He’ll see Luther.”

“Justin, she says just go back there yourself. Guy named Luther in the kitchen. Get it yourself.”

”That’s what I’m doing. What an idiot.”

“Okay, he’s coming sweetie. What’s your name?”

“Tina.”

“Emmett. Nice to meet you. Wish it could have been under-- Oh, look here he is. Finally.”

“That Big Mac guy’s a moron, but I found it--ice and a first aid kit.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Okay, I thought I heard you wrong the first time, honey. You really said his name was Big Mac?” This Emmett guy is so………. tall.

“Do you think I could make that up?”

“Good point.”

“I’m Justin. Don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.” Oh god, I’m blushing.

“Yeah, I’m waitress. I mean, my name’s Tina.” I can’t even get my name right. He’s looking at my bleeding foot. He’s touching me. Oh my god. I’m going to faint.

“And now you’re my patient. You’ve probably sprained your ankle. What did you two do to each other?”

“We bumped into each other. It was my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going. I had my head down.” Feeling sorry for myself because you’re so cute, and you don’t like girls. Please don’t stop touching me.

“And I had my head in a box of donuts, which is now a box of one giant smashed donut. But, lucky for us, it all tastes the same. Here.” Emmett just fed me a piece of our donut disaster. Mmmm, it’s good.

“Well, you must have slipped off the curb to cut your foot like this too.” He just cut my pantyhose off with scissors. Shit, I didn’t shave my legs this morning.

“Justin, I ran into her. Look at me and look at her. She’s a little tiny thing. She’s lucky she’s not on the way to the hospital with a bunch of broken bones. Apparently, I don’t know my own strength.”

“You’ll have to pardon Emmett, Tina. He can get a little hysterical sometimes.”

“Bitch. I’m sorry you had to hear that honey.” Oh my god, these two.

“My sister sprains her ankle like this all the time. She plays club soccer. I’m just going to put a bandage over this cut and then wrap it. There’s no way you’re waiting tables any more today.” I wasn’t planning on it anyway. I was planning on going somewhere to sulk. I certainly wasn’t planning on sitting on this cold sidewalk right after I found out that you are actually gay as blazes while you wrap my hurt ankle, and your flaming sidekick feeds me pieces of smashed donuts. Oh my god, you’re my hero.

“Here, sweetie. Have some more. These have rainbow sprinkles. Or at least they did.” These must be from The Donut Hole. It’s right down the street.

“Thanks.”

“Tina? What happened to you? What’s going on?” Big Mac.

“Nothing, Big Mac. Go back inside.” Don’t ruin the one moment I’ll ever have with the guy I’ll never have, okay?

“Oh, look it’s ‘Quarter Pounder.’” I’d like to see Big Mac jump this Emmett guy. That would be so funny.

“What’d you call me?”

“I’m sorry, did I get it wrong?”

“It’s Big Mac.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just wondering, though, why did you decide to go with ‘Big Mac,’ instead of say ‘McRib’ or ‘Thick Shake?’ There are so many choices.” I hope Big Mac doesn’t answer that honestly. I will d-i-e of embarrassment. Justin’s trying so hard not to laugh, but his face is getting really red anyway.

“Are you making fun of me or my name? ‘Cause I don’t like that. I just came out here to see if my girl was okay.” His girl? I don’t think so.

“I’m not your ‘girl,’ Big Mac, and you know it. Go back inside.”

“Yeah, well, you will be, soon enough. Soon as your boyfriend leaves.” I’ve never been so happy and so completely fucking pissed at the same time in my whole life. At least he went back inside.

Emmett’s still handing me donut pieces. “Who’s your boyfriend, sweetie?”

“Nobody. He’s just being a prick. He’s always a prick.”

“Okay, I’m done. Emmett, put those donuts down and help me help her back inside.”

“Yes, Dr. Justin. See, I told you honey. Told you he’d fix you up good as new. There isn’t one subject that this man doesn’t know a little bit about. He’s a walking encyclopedia.”

“Thank you, Nurse Emmett. On three.”

*********************************

well she was just seventeen,
if you know what I mean…

I can’t believe they’re letting me sit with them, that I’m sitting right across from him, that he’s making sure that the bag of ice stays on my foot. I can’t believe this.

“Okay, first things first. You must tell me why that boy insists on being called ‘Big Mac.’ I’ve got to know.” I was really hoping Emmett wouldn’t bring that up again.

“Okay, well, it’s kind of embarrassing. Just try to think about what comes on a Big Mac.”

“Hmmmm? What comes on a Big Mac……” I’m not figuring this out for him. No way.

“So how are you going to get home? You can’t drive with your right foot swollen like this.” Justin is so nice.

“My dad picks me up at four, when my shift's over.”

“It’s only one-thirty now. You have to sit here until four o’clock?”

“I remember now! I remember what comes on a Big Mac!” I just realized that Emmett has a purse. And it’s cooler than mine.

“He works until four, but it’s okay. There’s plenty of prep to do today.” Justin’s actually helping me sit here and roll silverware. Unbelievable. He’s better at it than I am.

“Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on sesame seed bun! I can’t believe I remembered that.” Emmett’s so proud of himself.

“Me neither.” Justin’s rolling his eyes at Emmett.

“So, I still don’t get it. Why ‘Big Mac?’”

“The second ingredient in the list.” I hope I’m not blushing. Justin’s giving me a weird look. He just figured it out.

“You mean ‘special sauce?’” I nod. “That’s gross.”

“He thinks he’s a player.”

“How old is this boy?” Emmett calls him a ‘boy.’ I guess ‘cause he’s a lot older than us. Whoa. I just called me and Justin an ‘us.’

“Seventeen. Same as me.”

“You’re only seventeen? You look at least nineteen, if not twenty. Doesn’t she Justin?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think you were that young.” Justin thinks I look twenty. I knew this was the perfect eye shadow.

“Thanks. But, I’m in my senior year of high school.” Guess there no sense lying since I’ve got no chance with him now.

“Well, I remember when Justin was seventeen. Seems like yesterday. Now he’s all grown up.” Justin shoots Emmett a dirty look, and tells him he should be helping us with the silverware.

“Depends what day it is—the grown up part and all. Sometimes I still feel like I am.”

*************************
we can work it out

Justin definitely works in a diner. He can roll silverware faster than I can.

Emmett—not so much.

“I suck at this.”

“No shit.” Gay men are bitchier than women. Whoa.

“Okay, well then I’m not going to screw around with silverware. I’m going to do what I came here to do and find out what is going on in that pretty little head of yours Justin. Why aren’t you getting ready to go to Hollywood?”

He’s going to Hollywood? Oh my god. I’m just going to be quiet and roll my silverware.

**************************
waiting for that day

They leave almost two hours later. Emmett kisses me on the cheek like I’m someone he’s known for years and hands me his business card with the name of the store where he got his purse written on the back of it. Justin is more reserved, but incredibly nice, telling me he’ll stop by and have coffee when he gets back from Hollywood, and that he’ll be sure to sit in my section and leave me a big tip. Emmett says he’ll come by sooner than that, but that’ll have to be with someone named Ted because he can’t find this place on his own or something.

I watch the two of them cross the street back to the museum and stand in the parking lot talking, Emmett’s gesturing a lot with his hands, Justin’s sighing a lot and smoking. Eventually they hug and kiss each other and drive away. They both wave to me as they pass the window where I’m sitting filling ketchup bottles. I’ve only got three more to go.


My dad will be here in about thirty minutes, so I guess I’ll just sit here and doodle until he gets here. Not much else to do.

4:07 pm

“Tina, your dad just called. He can’t get off work until six o’clock. Apparently, they need some people to pull some overtime at the plant.”

“Thanks, Luther.”

“You want me to make you something to eat? I’m gonna make me somethin’. Earl’s getting’ ready to take over for me.”

“Sure. If I have to sit here for two more hours, I might as well.”

“Comin’ right up.”

**************************************
don't let me be lonely tonight

Luther is the kind of man that my father respects. A man that works hard for what he has, doesn’t ask for hand-outs, looks out for other people. I think my dad doesn’t mind that I work here late at night sometimes because he knows that Luther’s usually around. Plus, my dad says that Luther is a man that understands the cycles of history. I asked him once what he meant by that, and he told me that everything in history just happens over and over again. That we’re only alive for a short time, so we tend to get worked up over every conflict, every victory, every everything, but my dad says you have to look at the big picture. He says Luther’s a big picture guy. Luther lived through segregation in Alabama, and he always tells me that he knows exactly how it feels to want something so badly that you just can’t have. He always understood what it was like to have a crush on some guy you could barely say hi to.

“I hope you don’t mind Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes. That’s what we had left over.”

“No, that’s great.” He didn’t put any gravy on my mashed potatoes. He knows I don’t like that.

“Here’s some butter for you too. I know how much you like butter.” Yep. He’s right. “Mind if I sit with you?”

“No, go right ahead. Marie go home?”

“Yeah, thank god. Vicky’s here.”

“Oh, haven’t seen her yet.”

“She’s fixin’ her hair.”

“That figures.”

“So, how’s your foot?”

“Sore, but it’ll be all right in a couple of days probably.”

“I have this sneakin’ suspicion that you don’t even care about your hurt foot since you got to meet that boy you’ve had your eye on for so long.” He winks at me. I smile, sigh.

“I can’t believe I got to meet him, Luther. I can’t believe I met him because I fell on my ass. And I can’t believe he’s really gay.”

“He is, huh?” He drains his glass of water and motions to Vicky to bring us some more.

“All day. But he’s still the cutest boy I’ve ever seen.”

“Anything you can’t have is always twice as pretty.” Luther’s probably right about that. “Don’t worry, they’ll be other good-looking boys. I can promise you that.” Vicky brings us a pitcher of water and inquires about my injury, pats me on the shoulder.

“Luther, he’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.”

“Really?” He hands me a roll off of his plate.

“Unbelievably nice. They let me sit there with them for almost two hours and just included me in their conversation like they’d known me for years. His friend was hysterical. I really liked him.”

“You mean his boyfriend?’

“No, that wasn’t his boyfriend. That was just his friend. His boyfriend’s name is Brian. That’s the reason he was here actually. He had a fight with his boyfriend this morning, and he has to get on a plane tomorrow morning to go to Hollywood, and he’s all torn up inside. He was here trying to process his feelings.”

“I tried to pack, Em, and I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I told you. I left him there.”

“What does that mean exactly? You left him there?”

“I left him there Emmett. We had a fight this morning.”

“A fight? About what?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It was completely ridiculous. That part doesn’t even matter. What matters is that I completely freaked out for no reason. I went off on him and then I freaked out because I went off on him, so I just had to leave. I just had to get out of there. It’s totally stupid.”

“Sounds like he’s like you, Tina. He draws when he’s got somethin’ on his mind.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Only he’s a much better artist than I am. He’s going to Hollywood, Luther, to work in the movies. He made a comic book and they’re making a movie about it.”

“No shit.”

“I couldn’t believe it either, and he’s only twenty. Can you believe that? Made me feel like I could do something with my life too.”

“You’re gonna do a lot of things with your life. I don’t wanna hear you talk like that.”

“You should’ve heard him Luther. He got offered this job about a month ago, and right when he got back and was gonna tell his boyfriend about it, his boyfriend asks him to move in with him. He was so torn about taking it because he loves this guy, so much so that he couldn’t figure out a way to tell him, and then his boyfriend found out by accident.”

“Whoops.”

“Right. “And then everything just started happening all at once for him. Like apparently, this Brian guy wasn’t one to show much affection toward Justin—that’s his name, Luther—Justin.”

“Nice to put a name with the face.”

“I know. And then all of a sudden, he showers him with affection and gifts and stuff, and it’s kind of freaked Justin out a little, I think.”

“Okay, just back up a minute. Did something go wrong after I left yesterday?”

“No, everything was pretty much wonderful. Too wonderful, actually.”

“Too wonderful?”

“Em, that was the first time since Brian and I have been together that we’ve ever been together like that, you know? Away from everyone else we know, away from the pressures of our lives---shit, Em, it’s the first time I’ve ever been with him and not been in a place where everybody knew who he was. It was completely different.”

“Hmmmm. That is interesting.”

“You saw all those bible beaters in the hotel when you came in, right?”

“Oh yeah, those church ladies were everywhere. They were swarming like flies on honey.”

“Right. The atmosphere in that hotel was completely different than anywhere we’d ever been together. So, we had dinner Saturday night in a restaurant in the hotel, this really nice restaurant, and for once in our lives, we weren’t around you guys, no offense—“

“None taken.”

“We weren’t around people that expected him to act in a certain way or me to act in a certain way or anything. It was so nice—just me and him having dinner, enjoying each other.”

“Sounds like it.”

“He didn’t care who was there, who was watching us, what they thought of us. I sort of did now and then, but it was amazing just to see this whole other side of him—this side I almost never see.”

“That none of us ever see, really.”

“Yeah. And that and then the whole night we spent together, I don’t know, Em, it just made me realize how much I love him. I love him, Emmett. So much.”

“Well, of course you do, sweetie. He’s your boyfriend. Your partner. Of course, you love him.”

“You don’t understand, Em. I think I love him more than I even realized I did. It terrifies me. The way he was acting this weekend—I mean he’s never like that. He’s never done anything like this for me before. It’s totally out of character for him. And then, now, all of a sudden, he does all these things for me, pays all of this attention to me? I’m not even sure I know what to make of it.”

“Well, that’s understandable. Somebody acts one way for a long time, and then starts acting a different way. That can freak a person out.”

“I know. It was weird Luther. All I could think about was when my mom died two years ago. How frozen I was for about three months after she died. How I couldn’t draw or do anything. It was like I was terrified about what was going to come out of me, if I let anything come out at all. So, when Justin started talking about how scared he was to tell Brian about the job, how it was going to change everything between them, how he just couldn’t do it, I knew exactly how he felt. Exactly.”

“Yep. Sometimes you wait too long to do something and somebody else does it for you.”

“Yeah, I know. And he’s worried about his boyfriend. His boyfriend had cancer.” Just like my mom.

“What kind of cancer?”

“Testi-- testicu—“

“Testicular. Is he okay?”

“It sounds like he is. But Justin’s really worried about him because when he got sick, he didn’t even tell Justin. Could you imagine if my mom hadn’t told my dad as soon as she found out that she was sick?” Even though by that time, it was too late.

“No, I can’t. Everybody’s relationships are different though, honey. Men are different than women, too. Trust me."

”I’m scared Emmett. I don’t know if I trust him to be honest with me when I’m not around. My first thought is that I’ll be on the phone with Michael or you at least once a week to find out what’s going on with him, and that’s ridiculous.”

“Well then, tell him that Justin.”

“Right, so he can lose his shit and then forbid Michael to talk to me. Then I’ll really be fucked.”

“Justin, I think you’re being a little dramatic. Michael’s your friend, too. So am I. Brian isn’t the Wizard of Oz. He doesn’t control everybody’s life.”

“It’s not just that, Emmett. This is my home, you guys are my friends. I’m going to miss you you guys so much. I won’t know anybody out there. Fuck, I didn’t even realize how much I like hanging out with you guys, until all this happened on Friday.”

"So, he’s off to be a movie maker, huh?”

“He’s only supposed to be gone for about eight months. He said he’d come back by here and see me when he got back.”

”I’ll leave you a big tip too, provided I actually do make some money out there. I know how lousy tips are in this business.”

“And I’ll come see you too! Only I’ll have to bring my friend Teddy with me ‘cause I’ll never find my way back downtown without him. I’m an idiot with directions.”

“That would be great you guys. Good luck, Justin. I hope we’re still here when you get back.”

“Me too.”

“That sure was nice of them. I hope they do come back. I loved watching Big Mac climb the walls for a couple of hours. He was so jealous, he couldn’t stand it.”

“He doesn’t like me Luther.”

“I may be a poor, old, black man Tina, but I know when a boy’s got the hots for a pretty girl. And he’s got it bad.”

“He treats me like shit.”

“That’s just his mating dance. Typical of boys his age. But don’t give it a second thought, you’re way too good for him, even if he is Earl’s boy.”

“I’d rather date a gay man.”

“I don’t blame you for that one bit. That’s for sure.”

Luther and I are mostly quiet for the rest of our meal, except to thank Vicky for the cherry pie a la mode she brings us compliments of Earl. It’s piping hot. Just the way I like it.

“Earl heard you took a spill today sweetheart. Told me to bring this to you.” I burn the shit out of my tongue on the filling.

I watch out the window as it gets completely dark outside. This is always my favorite time of day. I love to watch the day surrender to darkness, watch it give up, give in, and let the night just take over. I think Luther likes it as much as I do because he just stares out the window too when he sits here at night and eats his dinner. I think it’s comforting to me because I sat with my mother every night for two weeks before she died and watched this same surrender over and over. She died at about this time of night come to think of it. The expression on her face was finally peaceful. She too had surrendered.

“Well, we’ve got an hour to go before your dad gets here. You wanna play cards or somethin’.” I knew Luther would stay around until my dad got here.

“Actually, I want to show you something.” I showed it to Justin.

”This is really good Tina. There’s so much depth in his face. It’s like you can see all the years of his life in his expression.”

“All he’s doing is making pancakes.”

“He’s your friend, isn’t he? You know him really well?”

“Yeah. He is. And yeah, I do.”

“I can tell. It really comes through. You should give this to him. He’ll love it.”

“Show me what?”

I hand him my sketchpad, open to the page that has the sketch I drew of him. His eyebrows go up and a soft smile spreads across his face.

“You drew this? For me?”

“Yesterday. When we weren’t busy.”

“I must have made pancakes for a long time yesterday. I didn’t even pay attention to what you were doing.”

“I know. I didn’t want you to.”

“This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time.”

“You like it?”

“I love it. I don’t even know what to say. No one has ever drawn a picture of me before. Can I have it?”

“Sure.” It’s the first picture I’ve ever drawn that I’ve given to someone else.

“See, I told you you were gonna make somethin’ of yourself one day.”

Maybe Luther’s right.

***********************************

EMMETT’S POV

Help! I need somebody.
Help! Not just anybody.

5:55 pm, Jennifer’s front stoop

WDJG?

Are you there God?

WDJG?

It’s me, Emmett.

I know I’ve asked for things before. I’ve made promises, and I’ve broken them before, and for that I’m really sorry, but tonight I really need you to help me out this one time. Please. Please. Please.

“You are so fired, Emmett. So fired.” Don’t interrupt me when I’m praying, damnit.

“Teddy, once again, you are not helping.”

“Fine.”

“Look, we have two more possibilities here. Brian’s not here, and Daphne’s not here. And, quite frankly, those were the two strongest possibilities to begin with. So, I’m just going to think positive, Teddy. And you can sit over there and think your doom and gloom thoughts all by yourself.”

“I see headlights.”

“Oh my god, headlights!”

“Stop jumping up and down, you look like an idiot.”

Please let it be Daphne. Please let it be Daphne. Please let it be Daphne. I don’t want to deal with Brian right now. Please let it be Daphne. Please let it be Daphne. Oh my god, I can’t look. I’m closing my eyes.

“Teddy, I can’t look. I can’t look. Just tell me who it is. No! Wait, don’t tell me! Let me guess!”

“It’s Brian.” Shit!

“I told you not to tell me!”

“Justin’s not with him. He’s alone.”

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.

Oh my god, here he comes—walking up her sidewalk in his nice jeans and his light gray shirt and his black leather jacket and his black Prada boots that would hurt like hell if he kicked me with them.

Oh my god, please make like Dionne Warwick and just Walk on By.

Um, God, now would be a nice time for that help I asked you for.

“Evening, Theodore.” He’s in a decent mood.

“Evening, Bri.”

“Clearasil.”

“Hey, Brian, you look nice.” I’m even gonna give you a friendly, little wave and completely ignore the fact that you can’t seem to get it through your head that my fucking fairy name is Clear Day.

At least he’s inside now. Whew.

“He called you Clearasil. Oh my god, that’s the best one yet.”

“You better stop laughing at that Teddy, or I’ll tell Brian that you sit behind his desk at Kinnetik and pretend to be him when he’s not there.”

“You bitch, you wouldn’t.”

“You just try me.”

And now we wait for Daphne.

And we wait.

And we wait.

“I see headlights!”

“Me too!” See, Teddy, you’re jumping up and down too, now. So there.

“Oh my god, is it her? Tell me, Teddy. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

“It is!”

And now for the moment of truth.

“Is he in the car?”

Our father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name, please let him be in the car, please let him be in the car, please let him be in the car, please let him be in the car, please let him be in the car, please let him be—

“Not unless Justin’s a black girl with long hair.”

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“I can’t take this Teddy. I can’t take this. Go ask her if she knows where he is.”

“Going.”

*********************

“Well?”

“No dice. Hasn’t seen him or talked to him all day.” My life is over.

“I’m not going in there.”

“Well, you can’t stand out here all night!”

“He’s going to kill me Teddy. I’m at least gonna make him catch me first.”

“This reminds me of that really bad episode of Gilligan’s Island when that hunter was on the island, and he hunted Gilligan for sport.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Look Em, he’s not going to kill you.”

“That easy for you to say Teddy, it’s not your life on the line.”

“Well, look on the bright side. If he does kill you, you won’t have to work for him anymore.”

“Yeah, and if he doesn’t kill me, then I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO QUIT THIS JOB! Thanks Teddy. That made me feel a lot better.”

“At least I know now not to accept it.”

********************************

BRIAN’S POV

lady Madonna,
children at your feet,
how do you manage
to make ends meet?

Jennifer’s backyard 6:17 pm, Sunday evening

“Stay out of it, Deb.”

“I will not stay out of it, Brian. What’s going on? Jennifer’s in tears upstairs, Emmett’s about thirty seconds from hyper-ventilating into a paper bag, and Gus just told me that you have a hairy penis.”

Somebody please just kill me. Please just do it right now.

“I came out here to smoke this cigarette in peace, Deb.” To figure out what to do. Not to get bitched out by you.

“I don’t know where he is, okay? I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, ‘you don’t know?’”

“I mean, ‘I DON’T KNOW!’” Are you fucking deaf?

“Jesus, you don’t have to yell at me.”

“Look, I’m trying not to lose my temper, but you’re not listening to me. I told you, I don’t know where he is. I haven’t seen him since this morning. He’s not responding to my phone calls, okay?”

“Well, what’d you do to him?”

“I didn’t do shit to him, Deb. We had a fight, sort of.”

“About what?”

“About none of your business. It’s between me and him. And he’s a big boy.” Even though he doesn’t act like one all the time. “If he doesn’t want to show up at his own party, then that’s his prerogative. I’m not his keeper.”

“Is he okay?” I don’t know.

“Yeah, he’s okay.” I hope he is. God, I hope he is.

“All right. Then I’ll stay out of it.” She better quit pointing her fucking finger in my face. “But don’t you let him leave this city upset, without knowing that you love him Brian. Don’t do something stupid like that.”

I’ll have to find him first, won’t I?

Goddamnit.

**********************
I think I’m in trouble

“Emmett, a word.”

“Oh shit, Teddy. I knew it. He’s going to fucking kill me. You’ve got to come with me! I’m not going out there by myself.”

“Fine, I’ll come with you.”

“Hey Brian, nice night, full moon---“

“Do you know where he is? That’s all I want to know. And is he okay?”

“I spent a long time with him this afternoon at the coffee shop across from the museum Brian, and when we left I thought he was going to talk to you. I guess………. I was wrong.”

“I’ll say.”

“Shut up, Theodore.”

“Shutting up.”

“He hasn’t tried to call me all day. He doesn’t answer when I call him, and as far as I know, he hasn’t been by the loft.”

“Then I’m sorry, I don’t have any idea where he is.”

“Would you stop looking at me like that? I’m not going to hit you.” What the fuck is wrong with these two?

“Sorry.”

“Is he okay? Was he upset about the memories he was having? I’m afraid I freaked him out or something.”

“He didn’t say anything about that Brian. Nothing at all. He seemed okay to me. He just said that you guys had a fight and that he needed to talk to you.”

“Shit.” Then why the fuck isn’t he here, so we can fucking talk to each other? “All right. Thanks.” They just keep standing there, staring at me like deer caught in someone’s headlights.

“You’re dismissed.”

***************************
never gonna give you up

“Jen?.............Jen?.............It’s Brian. Can I come in?” I open her bedroom door and find her lying on her bed with a box of Kleenex beside her.

“Yes.” Fuck, she’s really upset. “You don’t know where he is, do you?”

“No, I don’t.” I sit down on the bed next to her. “He’s got your car, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“You need it for work tomorrow? I’ll leave you mine. I’m gonna find him, one way or the other.”

“No, Trip’s coming over. He’ll take me. You don’t think something’s happened to him, do you?” She couldn’t bear that. Fuck, neither could I.

“No, I think something’s really bothering him. You know back when he came to live with me after the bashing, he went through some times like this when he was impossible to deal with. Most of those times were when there were really big decisions or obstacles in his life---when he thought he wasn’t going to be able to draw again, when he didn’t know what college to go to, when he ran into Hobbs at the hospice. Sometimes he deals with these things himself—joins a gay street gang—"....carries a concealed weapon....

She laughs.

“Other times he keeps them inside until they come out when you least expect it. And then sometimes, he just draws like a madman for days, and they come out like that. I never know what to expect with him. He’s a chameleon.”

She smiles.

“Yeah, he is. And now he’s changed his colors again, and we don’t know where he’s hiding.”

“You said he was here for fifteen minutes today?”

“He was in his room packing for fifteen minutes, and then he left.”

“Can I go in there and see if anything—"

“Sure, go ahead.”

**********************
always something there to remind me

His room is a mess. A complete mess. There are piles of clothes everywhere. Jennifer is standing in the doorway.

“He went to his father’s to get his luggage?” Oh shit.

“No, his dad brought it by yesterday. It was here when he got home today.”

Okay. I guess he’s using it instead. He’s filled it up. Sort of. If you call throwing a shitload of CDs, used up sketch pads, toiletries, socks, and underwear in a huge suitcase packing. The other suitcase has his other clothes and a jacket strewn all over it. Oh, and an umbrella. Whatever. I start flipping through his sketch pads in the first suitcase, looking for clues as to what he’s doing, why he’s packing all of these old sketchpads. I recognize a lot of these sketches from years ago. They’re mostly sketches of me in various poses, or me with Gus, or Lindsay with Gus. They’re excellent. I find a much more recent sketch pad, extremely recent, as recent as you can get, and open it.

The answer falls into my hand.

I know exactly where he is.