EPILOGUE 1-REFLECTION-JUSTIN’S POV

eighty three minutes in to U.S. Airways flight 511 to LAX…

I don’t know what I love more…

…Brian or first class……fucking first class!

…this window seat or this empty seat in between me and this other guy…

…playing secret agent in the middle of an airport or having a boyfriend who really looks like a secret agent kiss me good-bye like that in the middle of the airport…

…knowing that he loves me or knowing that he knows how much I really love him…

Fuck. I miss him.

This is first class.  I shouldn’t have to look around or ask for tissues.

I expect better service than this.

This picture Gus drew for me is so adorable.  Me and my yellow hair.  Apparently I’m the pilot of this plane he drew, or was, until it hit the grass.  My head is almost as big as the sun, and we’re both smiling.  Personally, I think the sun got better hair than me, or some gel or something.  He gave me bed head.  I don’t know what’s up with that.  I mean, come on, I’m not Brian.  My luggage is on top of the plane.  That’s actually pretty funny.  My plane crashes, but, hey!  I still got my luggage!  You gotta love Gus.

Shit, I gotta love everybody who did all of these nice things for me.  All of these gifts, the party, Em and Ted and Paul helping me on Saturday, and all of these letters I have to read.  I don’t think I even want to read all of them now.  I’ll lose my shit if I have to read something all emotional from Deb or my mom.  I think I’ll just pick out a few to read and then sketch or something.  It’s a long flight, but we might get some food soon or maybe a movie. Or maybe both!  Plus, I can always read more later if I get bored…or nostalgic.  I need to make a list, too, of all the things I need to do when I get off this plane—like get a new phone, call Brian before I leave the airport, etc. 

So this stack of letters…

It’s thick. 

Debbie’s and my mom’s.  Skip.  Michael and Ben’s—bound to be way too emotional or boring.  Skip.  Em’s, Ted’s, Linds’—later, boring, later. 

Daphne’s.  Shit.  I’ve got to call her today.  Got to put that on my list.  I’ll read hers now.  I’m going to miss the shit out of her.  And then there’s this really thin one, the handwriting I don’t even recognize.  I’ll read that one next.  And we’ll go from there.  Maybe by the time I’m done with those two, it’ll be time to eat…

*********************

I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun




I completely forgot to tell Brian about Gus and the blow job thing.  Shit.  Probably better that way.

“You remind me of my son.”  And I completely forgot about the guy in the aisle seat.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said, ‘You remind me of my son.’”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.  He can’t travel light either, and you both dress the same.  He’s gay, though.  No offense.”  That’s funny.

“None taken.  I am, too.” 

“Kinda thought so.  The three of us have the exact same shoes.”  He crosses his legs and points his Pradas at me.  “My son picked them out.  He has quite a love affair with shoes.  Every time my wife tries to convince herself that this ‘gay thing’ is a passing phase, I remind her that he has more shoes than both of us put together.  Plus, my son’s twenty-seven.  It’s not a ‘passing thing.’”

“Did he pick out your tie, too?”  It’s nice.  Brian would love it.  He looks down at it.

“Um, yeah, I think he did.  I don’t get to pick out much of my own clothes these days between my son and my wife.  I just wear what they tell me to.”  Gee, I know that feeling.

“What does your son do?”

“Sells insurance.  He’s quite the salesman.  Please don’t get me started about that.  What do you do?  My first guess would be a mailman.”  My cards and letters scattered all over my lap and the seat between us…

“I’m an artist.”

“With a broken heart?”

“Is there any other kind?”  He nods.

“Point taken.  I’ll leave you to your work.  Be thinking about what you want to drink.  They’ll be wheeling the mobile bar down the aisle in a few minutes.  I take it this is your first time in first class?”

“What gave me away?”

“Those shoes are way too new.”

*************************
here comes the sun




“What’d I tell ya?  Here she comes.  What’re you gonna have?”  Something strong.  Something very, very strong. “Oh, and look, it’s Christy.”

“I need something strong.”

“Well, pick your poison.”

“Can’t.  I’m not legal.”

“You’re not?”

“Couple of months.”

“Bummer.”

“Tell me about it.”

On second thought, I think I will read Emmett’s.  I need something to make me laugh.  I can’t believe Rodney did that for me, that Vic said those things about me.  I miss him more than I ever thought I would.


*************************
return to sender



Huh?

“Vodka all right with you?”


“Yeah, but—" 

"Be quiet and give me your hand."  I give him my right hand.  “No, your left hand.  God, you are gay.”  He slips his wedding ring on my ring finger.  “Keep your hand where she can see it.  Got any pictures of that kid?”  Kid?

“What kid?”

“You were looking at pictures that some kid drew you.”  This guy notices everything.  Maybe he’s a secret agent.  He picks Gus’ picture up off the seat between us.  “This picture.  The kid that drew this.”  Actually I do have a picture of Gus in my wallet.  I pull it out and show it to him.  He looks at my driver’s license, too.  “Less than two months.”  The stewardess approaches us.

“Well, hello, Mr. Walker.  Nice to see you this Monday morning.”

“And you as well, Christy.  Haven’t seen you on this flight in weeks.”

“My schedule got changed.  Want your usual?”

“That’ll be fine.  My friend here will have the same.”  She looks at me.  I smile my best young, heterosexual, married father smile.  Mr. Walker shows her a picture of Gus.  It’s from when he was less than a year old.  The only one I have in my wallet.  Thank god it covers up my driver’s license.  “Have you ever seen a cuter baby?”

“Is this your son?” she asks me. I nod and flash my smile.  This guy’s good.

“Yes.”

“He’s adorable.  Absolutely adorable.”  She hands Mr. Walker the bottles and cups and ice and napkins for two screwdrivers and tells us to enjoy our flight. I ask him what he does for a living.

“I sell insurance.”  Figures.  He hands me back my wallet, and I hand him back his wedding ring once I’m sure she’s out of sight.  He gives me a disappointed look, “Why does everyone always give it back?”

“Cheers.”

Whoa, I wasn’t expecting there to be something from Brian in here.  Shit.  And it’s all lumpy.

**********************
Well, I keep on thinkin' 'bout you, sister golden hair surprise
And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?




***********************
Operator, oh could you help me place this call?

The fifth time I call Brian’s cell phone, and he doesn’t answer I start to panic.  I leave two messages out of my five calls and make myself wait five minutes.  I literally sit on my hands.

………..

………..

I hope Brett doesn’t care that I’m using the ever-loving fuck out of his phone back here.

I can’t stand it any longer.  I call the main number at Kinnetik.  Cynthia answers. 

“Hey.  It’s Justin.  Where’s Brian?”  I know I sound like a total queen.

"In his office.”

“In a meeting or something?  I’ve called him five times on his cell phone.  I really need to talk to him.  Like right now.”

"He’s not in a meeting.  His phone is on ‘do not disturb.’ It has been for hours.  He said he had a lot of catching up to do.  Maybe his cell is off.”

“Please go check.  He’s expecting me to call.  And he doesn’t turn his cell off.  He’s maniacal about that.”

"Okay.  Hang on just a second.”

I wait.

…………

…………

"Justin?  I’m making Ted do it.  I’m not going in there.”

“Why?  What’s wrong?”

"He’s sound asleep.”

“Where?”

"On the sofa, snoring, with one hand on his laptop.  It’s really funny.  You should see Ted in there trying to wake him up.”

“Okay, wait, wait.  Stop.  Don’t wake him up.  He’ll hit him.  Just hang up with me and I’m gonna call back on his cell phone and you answer it.  Just go find his phone.  Stop Ted.  He’s gonna get punched in the face, Cynthia.”

"Okay, okay.”

When I call back, Ted answers.  He’s whispering.

"Hello?”

“Did he hit you?”

"No! Thank god!  Since when does his phone play Hotel California"?

“Since today.  Listen, put the phone up to his face.  Let me hear him snoring.”

"Why?”

“Just do it.”  A slow, steady snore.  Ted gets back on the phone.  “He’s out for a least two more hours, if not three.”

"Justin, he was tracking your plane on the internet.  He fell asleep with his hand on his touch pad.  I wish I could take a picture of this.”

“Don’t you dare.  You’ll wake him up.  He needs to sleep.  Just turn off his phone, and I’ll leave him a message and wake him up when you guys leave for the day.  He’s exhausted."

"Whatever you say.  I guess if he’s out of commission that makes you the boss.”

Heh.  Yeah, I guess it does.

***********************************
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

You’ve reached the voice mail of Brian Kinney.  Please leave a message.

“Brian, you have no idea what I went through just to leave you this message.  I read your letter on the plane.  Huge mistake.  I almost jumped out of the plane to get back to you.  And then I called you thinking I had all of these things that I just had to say to you, and you’re sound asleep.  And for some reason that makes me even happier than that fucking letter.  So, I’ll call you tonight, and you better answer, and I love you…. god, I love you...more than anything...more than you’ll ever even understand, Brian Kinney…....sweet dreams."