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Chapter 36 - It’s All About Trust.

Sunshine really didn’t want to get up. He was so comfortable. He had awakened sprawled across the body of the man who’d made love to him the night before, his head resting on the big, solid chest and his arms and legs tangled with those of the other man. He felt so unbelievably warm and safe, wrapped around that large, sheltering body. Plus, Brian really did make a very nice mattress.

*Hehehe*

The boy giggled quietly to himself at the outrageousness of that thought. He just could not get used to how relaxed and at ease he felt around this man. He really shouldn’t let his guard down like this. Not with the man who was his Master. But, more and more, he was thinking of the man as ‘Brian’ rather than ‘The Master’. And Brian felt like someone he didn’t need to be quite so wary about. Someone that wouldn’t hurt him. Someone that maybe he could even eventually trust.

The boy sighed contentedly. He felt so good right then. He was cozy and warm and, for at least this one moment in time, untroubled by anything. He was also feeling pleasantly sore in some very strategic places. That thought made him smile yet again. He really didn’t mind that soreness. Much.  

He tried to shift around a bit on his man-mattress to alleviate the minor discomfort, intending to go back to sleep. However his squirming seemed to rouse the mattress. Two strong arms circled around him and squeezed lightly. The boy buried his face even deeper into the crook of the Brian Body Pillow’s neck and breathed in deep of the male musk there.

*Mmmmmm*

That scent was intoxicating. It made the boy want to squirm even more. And because he felt so at ease, he let himself go, wiggling his hips from side to side until the warmth growing up around his nether regions bloomed and spread. It was soon matched by a reciprocating warmth in the same area on his big Brian Pillow.

“Good morning, Sunshine. I see you’re already UP,” the Brian Body Pillow hummed, punctuating his sentence with a kiss to the top of the boy’s messy blond mop of hair.

The boy smiled to himself. He loved the way Brian was always kissing him or touching him. He also loved it when Brian called him ‘Sunshine’. He really felt like Sunshine this morning too. He felt bright and bold and happy and shiny.

Bold enough, even, to assert himself a little more maybe.

Swallowing any residual misgivings, Sunshine gave another wiggle or two, enjoying the resultant moan of approval his actions elicited. Brian was starting to wiggle a little bit underneath him now too. Feeling braver, the boy wiggled himself higher up his man-mattress till he was basically straddling the larger man’s waist. Then, without sitting up - because Brian really was a comfy bed and even though the boy was feeling frisky he didn't want to move THAT much - he reached over to the nightstand and felt around until his fingers found one of the ever present condoms that were waiting there. But, no matter how bold or Sunshine-y he was feeling, he couldn't quite bring himself to look Brian in the eye when he shyly handed the little packet to his mattress.

“You sure, Sunshine?” Brian asked, his voice low and rumbly, the words vibrating across the skin of the boy’s cheek where it was now pressed against the side of the other man's face.

“Mmmmhmmm,” the boy purred with an emphatic nod.

Brian laughed at that. An exuberant, joyful, unrestrained laugh that the boy thought suited him, even though Brian didn't seem the sort to laugh often. And the laugh came along with another kiss to the boy’s cheek, making him feel even warmer than before.

“You gonna move so I can put this on?” Brian asked as he used the foil-wrapped condom package to tickle along the boy’s flank.

*Uh un* The boy shook his head ‘no’ and then added a muffled, “too comfy”.

“Twat!” was Brian’s only response, even as he struggled to reach around the armful of boy that was draped over him in order to roll the condom down his already hard dick. “So, how exactly do you plan on doing this if you’re not going to move off me?”

*Giggle*

Planting his knees in place where they were resting on either side of Brian’s torso, the boy slid back on his haunches until his ass was butting up against Brian’s waiting dick. Then, by arching upwards, his back bowing and his pelvis tilting to the perfect angle even while his head was still resting on Brian’s chest, the boy was able to rock backwards the slight distance it took to envelop the condom-encased cock that was perfectly aligned to slide right inside him.

Brian gasped at the sudden sensation and then assisted by bending his own knees and using the better leverage to thrust up even higher. The boy was still open from their nighttime activities so there was no pain at all. Only sheer, unadulterated pleasure as Brian’s perfect dick glided over his sweet spot even on the first thrust, sending electric ripples of euphoria coursing through his body right from the start. Sunshine felt like he was on fire. Like he was lit up from the inside by thousands of sparkling flashes of color. He imagined he was probably glowing with happiness.

Their coupling was lazy and peaceful, but no less passionate than any of their previous encounters. The position they were in didn't allow for hard or heated. There was only gentle, deep, constant stimulus - slow and steady and intense. Somehow it was even more tender than before, with Brian seemingly more than willing to let his tentative little tyro lead the way.  

And so they rocked together, the boy sliding up and down across Brian’s now sweat-soaked chest and leaving kisses everywhere he could whenever his mouth wasn’t too filled with moans of ecstasy. Brian’s warm hands glided over the boy’s arms, legs, and back, touching him everywhere, his fingers leaving invisible tracings of electricity wherever they went. The intensity level built slowly, steadily, unhurriedly. Sunshine scrambled to find something to hold onto, some anchor to hold him in place, finally grappling hold of two handsfull of Brian’s soft, fine, auburn hair and hanging on for dear life while he continued to ride the cresting waves of pleasure that were rippling through his body.

Just when the surges of rapture started to become too much, Brian reached up and framed the boy’s face with his hands, allowing their lust-hazed eyes to meet for one long moment. “Kiss me, Sunshine,” Brian implored, sounding as if that one kiss was all he wanted in the world.

This time when their lips met, it was the final spark that set off the conflagration. Sunshine pressed his mouth against the warmth of Brian’s lips, tasting the cherry red of the bruised flesh, and then bit down lightly on the supple lower lip while the passion of his climax ripped through his body. As he shuddered and convulsed, his body seemingly out of control, he cried out, letting Brian swallow his moans of delight, before returning them tenfold as his own orgasm shook their joined bodies for a second time.

When it was all over and even the little jolts of aftershocks had died away, the boy sagged languidly over the top of his Brian Body Pillow. His face was buried deeply in the crook of Brian’s shoulder - a space that seemed to have been made specifically to fit his head - enjoying the aroma of sweaty, sex-drenched maleness. The boy didn’t think he’d ever, in his entire life, been as happy as he was at that very moment. If only he could stay right there and never have to move again.

Unfortunately, that was right when the alarm went off, signaling the start of another weekday. Brian blindly reached over and bashed the button that turned off the noise then returned his arm to its comfortable resting place around the boy’s waist. He gave the boy a familiar squeeze and added a sideways kiss to the boy’s forehead.

“Time to get up, Sunshine,” Brian intoned, his voice conveying his reluctance to move even though the words denoted action.

“Can’t,” Sunshine murmured without even lifting his head. “Bones all melted. Never moving again.”

That elicited another jovial burst of laughter from the big guy, along with a happy goose to the boy’s backside. “Fine. You just stay all melty then, brat. But we’ve got another appointment with Dr. Ruby in an hour and a half, so somehow I’ll still have to get you up and wash off all this cum.”

And, despite the boy’s grumble of discontent at that prospect, Brian wiggled his butt over to the edge of the bed, swung his legs out to use as a fulcrum, and then flipped their conjoined bodies up into a sitting position. The boy wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s neck and hung on but didn’t otherwise help out. Brian shook his head indulgently at the stubborn little twat. The boy pretended not to notice and hid his own smile in Brian’s neck.

Not be be deterred, though, Brian hitched the boy’s legs up more firmly around his hips, snaked his hands around and under the bounteous bubble butt and, with a prodigious grunt, he lifted them both up out of bed. Sunshine clung to the big guy’s frame like a baby monkey to it’s mother. Brian had a good hold of the boy by his backside, though, and didn’t let him drop. He just carried the unprotesting bundle of boy with melted bones into the bathroom and then deposited his melty ass on the bathroom counter.

Sunshine watched with a grin on his face as Brian bustled around the bathroom, peed, and then started the water in the shower. Once all was ready, the man returned to his charge, ran his hands through the thick blond mop in order to bend the boy's head back far enough for another kiss, and then scooped him back into his big, strong arms. After toting his armload of boy into the shower, he dropped his arms and the boy slithered down his body, landing on his feet under the warm pelting water. Brian beamed happily down at his boy and chuckled. Sunshine giggled at all the playfulness. The boy didn’t think that this man let his playful side out very often, which meant that the Master must be feeling just as relaxed and comfortable as he was. It felt so good. So right. And he never wanted that feeling to end.

Despite Sunshine being less than helpful, they were both eventually clean, dressed and fed some toast in lieu of breakfast. Then, before he really wanted to be, the boy found himself waiting with Brian in the reception area outside Dr. Ruby’s office. He really didn’t want to be there. He hated delving into all the bad things that Dr. Ruby forced him to think about. He really just wanted to hold onto the happy feelings from that morning, but it wasn’t easy. He could already feel the tendrils of anxiety creeping up on him, insinuating themselves in his brain and trying to suck out all the happiness. He quickly flipped open his sketchbook and frantically started drawing, desperately trying to fight off the negative feelings by concentrating on recreating the image of their morning together in bed.

“Good morning, Brian. Justin. Please come in,” the doctor interrupted a few minutes later.

The boy wanted to just sink into the cushions of the couch where he was sitting with his feet tucked up under him. He wished he could make himself so small he would become invisible and she would simply overlook him. He didn't want to delve into the misery of his past. Not today. Not when he had been feeling so good for once in his pathetic lonely life.

“Come on, Sunshine. It’s okay. I’ll be right here beside you,” Brian offered, extending his hand to help the boy up off the couch.

With a worried but trusting frown, the boy accepted the help and then meekly followed the Master into the doctor’s office. He quickly took his accustomed seat in the far corner of her sofa and returned his concentration to his sketchbook. Hopefully this hour would go by quickly and relatively painlessly.

“So, how are you today, Justin? Did you have a good weekend?” Dr. Ruby asked with her concerned Doctor Face on.

The boy snuck a look to the side, met Brian’s eyes and smiled briefly, then rapidly wiped his face blank, turned back to the doctor and shrugged noncommittally.

“Well, I’ll take that to mean you’re doing alright,” she chuckled and smiled beneficently. “Tell me, what have you been doing for the past couple days?”

The boy flipped to a fresh page of his sketchbook, his pencil flying over the creamy whiteness, while the doctor turned to speak with Brian as they waited for the boy’s pictorial answer.

“How have you been, Brian? As well as Justin here?”

“Yeah, it’s been better the past few days. Mostly,” Brian offered, almost as uncommunicative as his boy.

“Mostly?” Dr. Ruby tilted her head to the side inquisitively.

“Remember those mood swings you and I talked about before?” Brian replied while reaching around to drape his arm over the boy’s shoulders in an inherently protective gesture. “I just wish I knew what triggered them, you know? Yesterday, for instance, when I left him I thought everything was fine, but when I came home the kid was huddled on the couch practically catatonic again. I just never know what to expect.”

“Was Justin able to tell you what brought on that episode?”

“No. It seemed to make him even more upset when I asked, so I dropped it. And since then, he‘s been fine. Better than fine, actually,” Brian smiled fondly down on his little artist and gave the shoulder beneath his hand a gentle squeeze.

The boy broke into a smile of his own without lifting up his head. Out of the corner of his eye, though, he saw Dr. Ruby watching them closely, apparently fascinated by the interplay between the two admittedly disparate men. She didn’t pursue the issue though, since right then she noticed that Justin had finished with the picture he’d been working on.

“Ready to show me what you’ve drawn, Justin?”

The boy held up the pad showing a quick self portrait of him standing in front of his easel and painting. He hadn’t realized it while he was drawing, but he’d portrayed himself with a huge happy smile on his face. He realized that the picture was accurate. He really had been that happy while he was painting. And he’d been equally happy this morning. In fact, he’d been happier over the past few days than he remembered being for years. It was actually kind of frightening to realize just how happy and complacent he’d become in such a short time period.

The boy reached out with one index finger and traced over the smiling figure he’d drawn - almost as if to erase the picture with that swipe. That image was so alien to him. That couldn’t be him. HE didn’t have the right to be that happy. He was nothing. Nobody. A mere commodity. A nonentity whose feelings didn’t matter. Was he even ALLOWED to feel as happy as that boy in the drawing looked?

Even worse, he worried that there would be some backlash because of that smile. He’d long before resigned himself to a life of perpetual nothingness. It hadn’t been easy, but after a year of training under the boot heel of his Handler, he’d come to grips with the understanding that his life - whatever there was of it - would never include any personal happiness of any kind. It was his fate. He was a Personal Companion. His feelings were irrelevant. So this unexpected bubble of happiness was not only too good to be true, but also would probably set him up for even more despair in the end. When the universe realized he’d cheated and found a morsel of unwarranted happiness, it would undoubtedly slam him back harder than ever. To the worried boy, it seemed inevitable. He just didn’t trust happiness anymore.

When the boy finally came back to the present moment, he realized that Brian and the Doctor were still talking. Brian was explaining about their weekend and how excited Mr. Bloom had been about the paintings and drawings they had taken to his gallery. Brian sounded so proud of the boy's work. That made the boy smile again despite his misgivings about the imminent repercussions. That part of the weekend had been wonderful.

Almost as wonderful as finally being with Brian had been. Not that he was ready to talk about THAT with Dr. Ruby. That was still too new. Too special. He didn’t want to tarnish that memory by talking about it. It felt like, if he kept that memory to himself, it would remain safe.

“It sounds like you and Justin had a very productive weekend, Brian. I’m happy to hear that Justin’s artwork is being so well received. He deserves to get some recognition for his talents,” Dr. Ruby opined. “How do you feel about all this, Justin?”

The boy had no idea how to put what he was feeling into words, even if he could have communicated those words to this woman, so he just shrugged again. This caused both Brian and Ruby to laugh. The boy snorted a little halfway-amused sound himself.

Dr. Ruby wasn’t going to let him get off with just another shrug through. “I assume that getting a chance to show your art made you happy, right? You’re smiling in that picture you drew,” Doc Ruby pressed.

Justin nodded, a little hesitantly, still worried by his earlier train of thought.

“So you had a good weekend. You got to spend time doing something you enjoy and are good at - your art - and your talent was recognized by someone who knows about that industry. Right?”

Justin nodded again, even though he was feeling like he was being put in the spotlight by all these questions and wasn’t at all enjoying it.

“Okay. And, from what I hear Brian saying, he supports you in this endeavor, right?” This time it was Brian’s turn to smile and nod. “So, I’m assuming that would make you even happier - having Brian approve of your work and support you should feel good. Right, Justin?”

The boy nodded his agreement. He was still amazed at how understanding and even supportive the Master was being about this whole art thing. It was yet another surprising development that the boy was glad of but didn’t entirely understand.

“From everything you’re both telling me, it sounds like a great weekend,” Dr. Ruby surmised. “So, what happened to make you unhappy again yesterday, Justin?”

Justin was taken by surprise at this abrupt shift in the conversation. The last thing he wanted to do was tell anyone about the dark thoughts he had been suffering through after Brian left him at the loft the day before. He turned away from the inquisitive gazes of both the doctor and the Master, looking towards the carpet at the side of the couch instead.

“And that’s the same reaction I got when I asked last night,” Brian spoke up, sounding frustrated. The man turned to face the boy, almost pleading as he continued, “I can’t help if I don’t even know what the fuck is the matter, Sunshine. And it freaks me out to think about leaving you alone when I don’t know what state you’ll be in when I get home. I want to be there for you. I want to . . .” The big guy seemed to struggle with his words for a second and then gave up, turning back towards the doctor. “I don’t know what to say. What to do,” he admitted.

Doctor Ruby paused, eyeing them both with this strangely intrusive and, at the same time, coldly analytical look that made the boy want to squirm. The boy felt like a lab specimen being poked at and probed for answers. He couldn’t have maintained eye contact with the doctor at that point even if he’d wanted to. Even after he looked away, though, the boy could feel her eyes on him. It felt like she was seeing right through him to the deepest, most private recesses of his heart, and it scared the piss out of him.

“Justin, did something bad happen to you after Brian left the loft yesterday morning?” she asked directly. The boy didn’t respond. He just tried to shrink away even more. “Let me ask that a little more specifically - did anything physically hurt you yesterday?” Justin shook his head ‘no’. “Okay. Well then, did someone say something to hurt you or scare you?” The boy didn’t know how to answer that question, so he just continued to stare at the carpet. “Did anyone come to the loft after Brian left?” The doctor pried further and received a negative shake of the boy’s head. “Did someone call on the phone or send you a message that upset you?” Another negative gesture. “So it wasn’t something that actually happened to you yesterday. Which means you were upset by something that happened at an earlier time. A memory?”

Justin cringed away from both the doctor and Brian, not wanting to go any further with this line of questions but unable to stop it. The last thing he wanted to do was share those painful memories. He couldn’t always block them out, but sharing them would definitely bring back the pain. He wished the doctor would leave him alone. He resolutely looked away, refusing to even meet her gaze, and hoping that she’d back off this line of questions.

Unfortunately, or maybe predictably, that tactic didn’t work. “Justin, I know that you’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years. I’m sure some of your experiences were exceedingly unpleasant. I’m also pretty sure that you’d rather never have to revisit those memories. However, it’s completely understandable, from a psychological standpoint, that these memories will occasionally resurface - whether you want them to or not - and that they might raise issues that would be tough for you to deal with on your own. The only way to move beyond the hurt and fear that you’re feeling right now, is to talk about these things and work through the pain,” Dr. Ruby offered, leaning toward the boy and looking at him with those piercing, empathic eyes.

The boy stubbornly shook his head in the negative. He was not going to talk about THAT. Not with this nosy busybody. Not with anyone. He wasn’t going to let anyone in there.

“If you think whatever you might say will shock me, it won’t,” the doctor went on. “I've been counseling PCs for a lot of years. Believe me, I’ve heard all the stories - nothing you tell me will shock me.”

The boy shook his head again and tried to hunch down into an even tinier ball at the end of the couch.

“Justin, if you hold all these memories that scare you inside, they’ll only hurt you more. The only way to get beyond them is to talk about them. Get them out there in the light of day. Work through the pain,” Ruby insisted.

He shook his head yet again, clamping his mouth shut so that nothing could get out and throwing his sketch pad to the floor so that even his fingers wouldn’t betray him by drawing the hateful scenes.

“Please, Sunshine,” Brian tried to add his plea, but the boy flinched away from even him, cringing from the light touch to his cheek as well as the imploring words.

For almost a full minute after that, nobody said anything. The boy remained in the same position, huddled in on himself, trying to keep them all out. Brian was sitting next to him, but no longer touching the boy who had once again withdrawn from his advances. Dr. Ruby leaned back in her chair, her fingers steepled in front of her face and her eyes intently focused on the boy while fuck knew what thoughts occupied her.

“I get it, Justin,” the doctor finally announced into the heavy silence of the room. “You don’t trust us. You don’t trust anyone. The question is, do you WANT to trust again? Or are you going to lock yourself away in your head forever?”

The boy refused to respond. He refused to look at the prying woman. He refused to move out of his tiny safe spot.

“Well, I guess that’s my answer,” Dr. Ruby stood up and walked back over to her desk, busying herself with straightening some files there. “In that case, I think we're done here.”

“What?” Brian stood up too, looking at the psychologist with a confused look on his face. “What are you saying, doc?”

“We’re done. There’s nothing more I can do. Your PC doesn’t want help. I can’t help someone who doesn't want it. He’s either too stubborn or too damaged to even want to trust again. I don’t want to waste your money and my time trying to get through to someone who doesn’t want our help. I’d rather move on and help those I can actually get through to.” The doctor faced off against the Master, her countenance now totally cold and analytical as she laid down this pronouncement.

“But, you can’t just give up . . .” For about a half a minute the Master looked defeated. Then he straightened out his spine, took a deep breath and his expression turned determined. “No. I don’t accept that you’re just giving up. I won’t give up on Justin. There has to be some other way. Try a different approach or . . . something. I’m not fucking letting you give up just like that.”

“What do you suggest I do, Mr. Kinney?” The intransigent doctor asked icily. “Or, more to the point, what do you think I can do? I can’t force him to trust you, and even if I could, what difference would it make? He’s just a PC. A very damaged PC. I really don’t think anyone can get through to him the way he is. But that shouldn’t really matter too much. He’s only a PC, after all, and based on my assessment, he’s not unstable enough to prevent him from fulfilling his primary function. He should still perform adequately as a sexual companion. I don’t see any reason for you to hold off any longer on initiating sexual relations with him.”

“I don’t want to just FUCK him - not like that!” Brian insisted adamantly, his arms now crossed angrily over his chest and his face marred by an ugly frown. “Like he’s nothing more than a sex toy? Like what he wants doesn’t matter? I want him to know he has a choice about shit like that. He’s better than that. He’s smart, funny, talented. I want him to know that he can be more than just a PC.”

“I don’t think that’s wise, Brian. You can’t treat him like an equal - a partner - because he’s not. You can't treat him like he has a choice in these matters. The reality is that Justin doesn’t have a choice and never will. Acting like he does will only confuse him and make things worse,” The furious and unyielding look on Brian's face didn’t change, but neither did the doctor’s resolve. “Mr. Kinney, refusing to acknowledge the reality of the situation isn’t going to change the facts. The boy is a sexual companion and failing to recognize that reality will undoubtedly just hurt him more in the long run. He’ll never be more than that. He clearly understands that fact and it’s time you did too.”

“NO!” Brian slammed his fist down on the top of Dr. Ruby’s desk. “No, I won’t do that. I won’t give up on him and I won't treat him like some brainless sex toy whose feelings don’t matter.” Brian leaned forward, his arms braced against the edge of the doctor's desk so he could get right in her face. “And, for your information, we’ve already had ‘sexual relations’ and he was more than fucking ‘adequate’. He’s amazing. But the best part was that it was entirely HIS CHOICE! It will always be his choice as long as he’s with me. I would never take that away from him. Never!”

“Mr. Kinney, I know you care about Justin, but you can’t save him by fucking him!” Dr. Ruby insisted, triggering another, deeper, scowl from Brian. Before he could answer, though, she continued, “You have to understand that sex between the two of you will always be one sided. There will always be a power gap between the two of you. Justin is your PC. You control everything about him. Including the fact that you are his ONLY sexual outlet. And because of this, any physical relationship between the two of you will always be, in some ways, abusive.” She held up an imperious hand to stop Brian before he could return whatever answer he was obviously ready to spit at her. “He can’t say no to you, Brian. He has no choice but to comply with whatever you ask of him. You can delude yourself all you want into thinking otherwise, but that’s the truth. It’s no wonder he doesn't trust you when you insist on lying about the basic fact that, as your PC, Justin will NEVER have any real choice in the matter.”

“You’re wrong!” Brian growled at the woman, staring her down as if he could defeat her words with the mere weight of his conviction.

“If you can’t separate your feelings for Justin from the reality of his position as a PC, Mr. Kinney, then maybe you should just walk away altogether,” the doctor suggested calmly.

“What? What the fuck are you suggesting?” Brian demanded, leaning even further forward and continuing with his angry glaring at the doctor.

“Just what it sounds like. Walk away. Make arrangements to sell his contract to someone else right now and let him go to someone who understands the reality of what owning a PC means. Don’t wait until the legal resale period is up. Just cut all ties as soon as possible. You can worry about the legalities of it later. I’m sure a smart man like you can work something out. I mean, I know you don’t want to renege on the purchase of his contract because of the underlying circumstances, but if you negotiate a resale now, you can get the money you need to pay off the contract and move on before you hurt Justin any more than you already have.”

“NO” the boy screamed, jumping to his feet and racing over to stand between the doctor and Brian. “Brian would never hurt me. And I don’t want to go with anyone else. I don’t care what you say . . . I know abuse. I’ve lived through enough of it to know what that feels like. This is different. This is real,” the boy insisted, almost as amazed by the words coming out of his mouth as the two people watching him seemed to be. “I WANT to be with Brian.” Then, his voice starting to fade even though his passion was still just as strong, “And I do trust Brian. He’s the only one I trust . . .”

Shocked by the admission he’d just made, the boy fell silent. Was that true? Did he really trust this man? It had been so long since he’d trusted anyone. He’d thought it would be impossible after everything he’d been through. He’d told himself over and over again that he would never trust anyone. Never set himself up for that kind of fall again. He didn’t think he COULD actually trust after living through the betrayals of the past two years. But, as surprising as it sounded even to him, he found that he did, in fact, trust the man standing there next to him in the doctor’s office.

Against all the odds, and against his better judgment, he DID trust Brian Kinney.

“Good,” Dr. Ruby said serenely, leaning back in her chair with a self-satisfied grin on her face. “And now that YOU’VE finally realized that fact, we can move on. So, let’s talk about what it was that upset you yesterday . . .”