BRIAN 

Justin was busy with school work, so I thought it was time to see if I could get Ben to tell me what the hell he was up to. I figured I could corner him at the club, because I had a business to run. Lately the visits from them were enough for me to start thinking of changing zip codes. Deb was acting like Ben was a death sentence and Michael was whining that he was a grown man and could make his own decisions, both of those things meant dealing with Ben.

He was standing alone at the bar when I got there.

“So Benny boy, how about you make my life easier and either shit or get off the pot.” I tell him. 

“Why should I care?” He tells me. I watch him drink two shots and a beer chaser. Look I'm not one to judge, but Ben was never a heavy drinker. It messes with the whole Zen thing.

“If you didn't, you wouldn't be trying to turn into me.” I tell him. 

“It would take screwing all of Pittsburgh for me to accomplish that.” He tells me. 

“Been there already, but I was thinking more of the drinking your troubles away part.” I tell him. 

“We can’t all be like the Great God Kinney, and land on our feet, no matter what we do.” He tells me. Then lines up more shots, and downs them. 

“Drinking yourself into oblivion just leaves you with a fucked up head and liver. Not something you should be doing.” I tell him. I figure a few more shots and he should start telling the truth, instead of trying to make it about me. I signal the bartender to line them up.

“Love that coming out of your mouth.” He sways as he takes the next shot.

“I just wonder why you are so not you Benny.” I tell him.

Ben seems to lose all the bravado bullshit and slumps against the bar.

“I’m trying not to think I’m crazy.” He mutters out loud.

“Want to get out of here? It might help if we talk somewhere without free flowing liquor.” I tell him.

Ben starts stumbling and I end up holding him up to get us out of the bar. I put him in the Jeep and head to the loft. I call and tell Justin to make lots of coffee. Instead of trying to pull Ben up the stairs I maneuver him into the elevator and hope I can carry his ass into the loft. Justin is waiting and helps me get him into the loft and onto the couch. I walk to the kitchen and fill up a coffee cup.

“Why do you think you're crazy?” I ask him as he takes the cup.

“How else do you explain the voice in my head telling me to run from Michael. Every time I want to work at a relationship with Michael, it’s like there is someone screaming that he isn’t worth the trouble. Then I haven’t been able to sleep because I keep having dreams that Michael marries you.” He tells me.

“Brian, I need to get a shower and sleep, you gonna be alright with Ben?” Justin asks me.

Justin is usually the first one to want to help people, but for some reason he wants to get away from us. 

“We’re good, I’ll put him on the couch and come to bed.” I tell him.

JUSTIN

I walk into the bathroom, shut the door and sit on the counter. I think Ben needs to understand what he’s doing.

“Ben get your ass down here.” I say to an empty bathroom.

I watch as he appears in front of the shower. He didn’t seem to think it was important he was here, because he just raised his eyebrow at me.

“Trying to kill yourself sooner?” I ask him.

“I’m trying to stop the biggest mistake of my life. You know, since Brian managed to do it.” He tells me.

“Michael was your biggest mistake? Ben your life was a series of mistakes. Michael was probably the only person too naive to understand that your Zen Buddhist Ass was all you trying to pretend that you weren’t worse than Brian, before the HIV.” I tell him.

“Yet, I lived a good life and end up with a piece of shit for a partner. Brian treats you like shit and he gets to keep your love through lifetimes.” He tells me.

“Brian wouldn’t have let me being in love with someone else be okay with him. You, on the other hand were all ‘it’s okay to love someone, we had lives before’. What kind of real man does that Ben? You keep staying like if you just loved him enough he would change. You want to know what I learned so far in all of this? Change happens when you stand up for yourself, and that instead of fucking up that Ben out there, make him stand up to Michael if he wants him.” I tell him.

“He was willing to let you die, so he could have Brian, and you can sit there and try to help him? I don’t get you. All our lives we were stuck with the ‘Brian and Mikey show’, but you don’t seem to resent that your life was fucked over by Brian and Michael running after each other.” He tells me.

“Because it was two scared kids, not Brian and Michael. Brian needing to keep everyone who didn’t shit on him close, by any means, and Michael never grew up because Deb and the rest of the guys protected him from everything. Unlike the last time, they aren’t going to sit and placate Michael. Brian isn’t going to run to him now, because he has me to run to.” I tell him.

“I want someone I can run to, but Michael isn’t it.” He tells me.

“Then steer yourself away from him.” I tell him.

“He fucking wants him. No matter how many times I steer him toward someone else he wants Michael.” He tells me.

“Maybe that’s because through all the bullshit you love Michael, not that I don’t get fighting it.” I tell him.

“Shit Justin, I still love him. I just can’t be second prize, not if I can change it.” Ben tells me.

“I get it, but making yourself think you need to go check in at the psych ward isn’t going to make it better. Just push to stop your former self from allowing Michael to chase after Brian.” I tell him.

“It’s hard to not want to get away from him, when he still wanted Brian later, but you don’t deserve what I was doing.” He tells me.

“I don’t really care what you were doing, but it’s really fucked up you were going to leave Hunter to die out there because you weren’t thrilled with the shitty life you allowed with Michael.” I tell him.

“I regret that part.” He tells me.

“You obviously didn’t if you were willing to play this stupid game. Don’t worry, Hunter is going to live a disease free life, with someone who won’t let him run away from his problems.” I tell him.

“We tried…” 

“No you and Michael took the easy way out, it’s something the two of you have in common. Make a decision and stop trying to fuck up my life.” I tell him.

“How could I, you and Brian managed to make your lives the right one.” He tells me.

“What?” I ask him.

“Brian did the right thing, he chose you over everyone. It was all he needed to do, to get what you both want.” He tells me.

“Wait, what about the rest of our lives?” I ask him.

“You get to choose that, so good luck. Live it well.” He tells me and fades out.

I don’t understand, we don’t have to keep doing anything to make it to the end? I needed to tell Brian, and maybe find out why Michael is screaming in the loft.

BRIAN

I told Ben he could have the sofa for the night, but he wanted to go home. I should have just shoved his swaying ass into the elevator, not try to convince him a drunk gay man doesn’t walk the streets at night, unless he wanted to see if he could get bashed. I was trying to keep him from going out the door, when the buzzer went off. Ben being his drunk, helpful self let the person in and opened the door. I was going to shut the door when Ben stumbles into me and I end up with an armful of drunk moron.

“Um, you still smell good. Remember when you fucked me all night? Do you fuck Justin like that, or was it just me?” He asked me.

“I… how… when… why couldn’t… FUCK YOU  BOTH.” Michael turns and runs back down the stairs.

This just gets better and better doesn’t it? Justin looks at me.

“Put him on the sofa, let me handle the baby.” He tells me.

JUSTIN

I found Michael sitting against the wall, crying.

“Can you tell me why you're out here?” I ask him.

“They are fucking each other, and you think I should have to be okay with that?” He asks me.

“They fucked each other years ago, not tonight.” I tell him.

“Why wasn’t it ever me?” He asks me the question that he could never seem to answer for himself.

“Answer that and maybe your life will get better.” I tell him.

“It was fine until you came along.” He tells me.

“No you and Brian were forever frozen in time. You waiting for a hero to take care of you and him afraid to let anyone in.” I tell him.

“What would you know, you ended up with the man everyone wanted and I got left out in the cold.” He tells me as he gets up and walks away.

“If that’s how you want to see it, then see it that way. Just don’t expect your life to change.” I tell him. It’s up to him to change but it’s not going to change how we live.

I hurry back up to the loft, because our life is exactly that, our life. I can’t wait to see how we live the next few years.