Chapter 30 - Discord.
Discord: Tension or strife resulting from a lack of agreement between people.
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Brian's POV
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It’s comedy night at Woody’s. When we get there the androgynous looking guy on the stage is doing his own version of Monty Python’s, The Penis Song. It’s hilarious to start with, but once you let the fags at it, what with the number of additional names we have for our dicks, it becomes almost too much. I think that Ted’s about to wet his pants, he’s laughing so hard. And Emmett actually fell off his chair while I watched. Then, again, who doesn’t like a good cock joke.
Justin seems a bit nervous tonight. We’ve been out to Woody’s once before together, and it didn’t turn out that well. But he’s doing so much better and I thought it would be okay. I really need to blow off some steam tonight - dealing with Craig Taylor was distasteful and the only way I can think of to get that bad taste out of my mouth, other than what I already did to Justin earlier in the shower that is, is to spend the night with a room full of queers all being as unconventional as possible. I need this. I just hope that Justin can deal.
After a Beam and a couple of beers, I’m starting to relax a bit and Justin seems to be enjoying himself too. The Penis Song guy has been replaced by someone doing a standup routine that reminds me a lot of Jim Carey at his best. His routine is all about going on little ‘vacations’ - aka having orgasms - it’s amazing how he can make those facial expressions. Even I’m laughing my ass off at this guy. Only thing is that now I’m going to be self-conscious about how I look when I’m cumming next time I’m in the back room at Babylon. Fuck - I don’t want to have THAT expression on my face at the time.
At eleven I roust the troops and we all head over to Babylon. Emmett even called Michael while we were at Woody's and got him to drag the professor out for the night, so it means the whole gang is there. I'm looking forward to this. I realize that I haven't been to the club since the night before I brought Justin home. To be honest, I haven't really missed it that much. It feels odd to say that even to myself because I've pretty much lived at that club for the past five or six years. But I have had plenty to occupy me these past couple weeks, so I guess I didn't have time to miss it. Anyways, we're back now, and I'm definitely in the mood to party.
I don't even wait to get a drink before I drag Justin with me out to the dance floor. That thumpa thumpa is already in my bloodstream and I need to dance. Justin looks so hot in that skimpy baby blue tee he's wearing and those tight black jeans. I see right off that I'm not the only one ogling his perfect bubble butt in those revealing jeans and I know I'm going to have my hands full keeping an eye on him. The sharks are out tonight and he's the freshest meat in the ocean.
"Watching you two dancing out there was the hottest thing I've seen since Teddy gave up his porn site, Baby," is the first thing out of Emmy Lou's mouth when Justin and I get back to the bar, and he immediately envelopes Justin in an Emmett sized hug. "I'm so glad you finally brought Justin out to play with us, Bri. We were beginning to think you were just going to keep him all holed up there in your loft forever."
"Watch it, Honeycutt," I say, peeling his hands off of Justin. "Keep your hands and your comments to yourself."
"Oooh, jealous much, Brian? And, don't call me Honeycutt."
"Careful, Em. He's not kidding," Mikey has to add. "You should have seen him at the Diner the other day when Harry Michaels was hitting on the kid. Even Harry knew that he needed to back away slowly or lose a couple appendages. It was pretty hilarious."
"Fuck that," I tell them. "That butch and I are old buddies. He might look like a big beefy top, but . . . Let's just say I know how to get him to back off. And he's definitely NOT Justin's type."
Fuck them, I decide. Let em think what they want. If I want to put my arms around Justin, I will, and who the fuck cares if they think I'm doing it out of jealousy. I just want to . . . Fuck it, I want to keep him away from all the other goddamned predators here tonight. If that counts as being jealous, then so be it.
The bigger problem right now isn't that people, my friends included, think I'm acting jealous, it's that all this talking about and thinking about Justin with anyone else is making me fucking horny. And Justin isn't helping much by clinging to me like a vine. I can feel his nice sized package all bundled up in those tight jeans pressing up against my thigh right now and it's driving me wild. Especially since I know so well how truly fucking nice that package is and exactly how good he is at using it. I'm thinking it might be time to introduce the boy to the backroom.
"Justin," I speak to him as quietly as I can over the music. "I want you, now. I can't wait for later tonight. Come with me."
I start to walk towards the back, towing him after me. I'm sure he knows what I meant, even if he's never been to this club before. That's part of Justin's charm - in some ways he's incredibly naive, especially about mundane everyday things that you and I would take for granted, but in other ways, including sex, he's just as savvy, if not moreso than I am. I don't think a trip to the backroom of Babylon will phase him nearly as much as getting his first paycheck did.
And I'm right. He doesn't even blink when I walk him into the backroom, lean against an unoccupied section of wall and gently push him to his knees in front of me. He's all business right from the start. He unzips me, pops my dick out and has me deep throated before you could even count to ten. I feel slightly bad about this in a vague way for about ten seconds, but I don't have time to figure out what it is about this that's bothering me before I'm too blissed out to care.
Shit. Justin is so fucking good at this, too. Those pouty full lips aren't just a beauty statement. He knows exactly what to do with them. As a rule I don't like to be too vocal when I'm with someone in the backroom - basically, I find it obnoxious and downright rude - but, I sort of forget about that this time and when Justin snakes his hand up between my legs, sticking two fingers up my ass and bringing me to orgasm with his talented tongue at the same time, I can't help but groan loudly. There might have even been a, 'Fuck, yes, Sunshine', too. But, I will never admit to the 'Oh, God, yes!' that some said they heard - first of all, I don't even believe in any god, and secondly, I'd never be that fucking demonstrative in public. It had to have been someone else.
Justin's wearing a smug little smile when I pull him up to kiss him after he's finished. It gets even bigger when the applause and the catcalls start. Fuck. If he wasn't shark bait before, he definitely will be once word gets around about that performance. I think I just made things worse. Time to get him out of here.
Back at the bar, Michael immediately corners me about some inane comic book thing. I don't have the heart to tell him how totally boring he is. While I'm being regaled by the latest heroic deeds of the spandex enhanced, Emmett takes Justin back out to the dance floor. Good, I think, it'll keep the boy busy.
Michael's chatter isn't quite enough to keep my mind occupied though. And, when an incredibly hot, tall brunet with smoky half-veiled bedroom eyes leans up against the bar next to me, I'm pretty easily distracted. He gives me this little crooked smile and licks his lips, then gets up, trailing his index finger down my bicep and turning so he's walking backwards away from me in the direction of the backroom. Who the fuck am I to turn down such a polite invitation?
Bedroom eyes guy turns out to be a very eager bottom boy who's itching to get fucked. I'm only halfway across the room before he's got his pants down and is waggling his ass at me insistently. I'm kind of annoyed by this for some reason, but since I'm already here I figure what the fuck. I quickly put on a condom and some lube, not bothering to prep him much, and get down to business. I realize pretty quick that he's not that great - he's way too loose and far too noisy and he has this twangy voice that grates on my ears. I wish I hadn't followed him back here. I'm not even sure I want to finish, but then I look around at all the eyes on me and I resign myself to just finish as quickly as possible and get as far as I fucking can from the guy.
I manage to get off, barely, with no thanks to annoying wailing guy, and rush to get myself zipped back up and get back out to my friends. I have this itchy need to check on Justin - just to make sure he's okay, I tell myself. Justin isn't hard to check up on though, since he meets me in the doorway to the backroom. There's some big old steroid gym bunny pressed up against my blond from behind and he's pushing Justin through the doorway towards an empty spot on the far wall.
"Hey, Brian," he says as he passes me, completely unconcerned with what's happening here.
"What the FUCK!" I'm yelling as I pull the gym bunny around, separating him from Justin in the process. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Get your hands off me, fuckwad," the guy yells back, both of us unconcerned with the crowd we're drawing. "Get your own twink. This one's mine."
"Like fuck he is. Let's go, Justin," I order, trying to wrap my arm around his shoulders to guide him away, but Justin simply shakes me off.
"Why?" Justin asks with all due sincerity. "I wanna fuck too, Brian. You came back here with that dark haired skank so I thought you wouldn't care if I did the same."
"It's not the same, Justin. Let's just go. I don't want to have this conversation here. We'll talk about this at home. Come on!"
I'm trying to whisper what I'm saying so that the entire population of Babylon's backroom - and by reason of the gay grapevine, every queer in Pittsburgh - doesn't hear what I'm saying. Justin is more than just reluctant to leave though. The gym bunny seems ready to intervene now, too, as if he thinks I need to get my hands off Justin. This is so fucked.
"Why isn't it the same? Tell me now, Brian," Justin demands.
"Because it's not!" I hiss at the angry little blond. "I wasn't going to let him fuck me, first of all."
"Oh. So it's okay if I fuck him then? Fine. I'm okay with that. What about blow jobs. Can I give him one or is it only okay if I'm receiving?" Justin asks, still with no attempt to keep his voice down.
"No. It's not okay, Justin! None of this is okay," I fume at him, and I'm not trying to be quiet anymore either - the mere thought of Justin fucking anyone else making me insanely angry.
"Well, please explain it to me, then, Brian. I'm not as naive as you seem to think. All you have to do is explain to me exactly what the ground rules are here and I'll be fine. But I don't understand why you get to fuck anyone you want and I don't. So please, explain it to me, Brian!" Justin is yelling now, like the crazy, angry, unquenchable Justin I've only seen once myself and I don't think anyone else has ever seen.
"Um, Justin, sweetie? I think maybe you need to take a little break and cool down, honey," Emmett's there standing next to Justin now with his large long-fingered hands resting steadily on Justin's heaving shoulders. "Come on, Baby. Let's go get a drink and we'll all calm down a bit before we say things we're gonna regret."
Emmett leads Justin back out towards the bar while I stand there watching. My vision seems all hazy and red tinted for some reason and I realize my fists are balled up at my sides and I'm practically panting with rage. The gym bunny guy is still standing there but he's backed up a few paces as if to give me room in case I explode.
Everyone else from the backroom, including a couple of club security guards, is gathered in a large semi-circle around me, apparently fascinated by the spectacle but not willing to get too close in case I bite or something. Fuck them all. When I feel a hand on my arm, I pivot around, ready to confront whoever dared to touch me, only to find Michael standing there patiently waiting for me to calm down.
"Come on, Brian," he says to me in a quiet, steadying voice. "Let's go get a drink."
What the fuck just happened here?
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Justin's POV
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I wish Emmett would just shut the fuck up. He's standing next to me at the bar babbling so much I can't think straight. I'm still angry as hell but I don't really know why and I have no one to yell at anymore which is just making me more angry still. I also still don't know where Brian is and that's freaking me out. What the fuck just happened?
Emmett hands me a glass full of something, which I chug down before I realize it's basically straight vodka. That at least distracts me from being angry, at least while I'm choking and sputtering trying to catch my breath. And, when I'm done, I see that Brian and Michael are there at the far end of the bar, the sight of Him flooding me with relief. I immediately start to go to Him, but Emmett holds me back.
"Whoa there, Baby. Better give the 'Big Bad' a few minutes to cool off first," Emmett cautions me. "I've never seen Brian quite that pissed off before, Sweetie. You were pushing all his buttons and he's gonna need a minimum of two Beams, according to my estimations, before he's fully human again. You don't want to try to talk to him when he's like this, honey."
Now I'm not angry anymore. Now I'm scared shitless. What have I done? Why did I do that to Him? He's going to hate me now. What am I going to do?
"Hey, Sweetie, what's wrong now?" Emmett asks once he sees the tears streaming down my face, but I'm too panicked to figure out how to answer him.
The anger seems to have been the only thing holding me upright and now that it's gone I simply crumple to the sticky beer covered floor in front of the bar. I wish I could scream or yell or even say something to let all the fear and dread inside me out, but I can't even open my mouth. That big hole inside me that I thought was maybe starting to heal a little is torn wide open again. I feel like its so obvious that I should be actually physically bleeding from the wounds, but I'm not, at least not on the outside.
I'm lost again. I'm going to disappear and this time there won't be anyone to find me and put me back together. It's my own fucking fault though.
First I go and let Him in. I knew it was stupid and I'd get hurt, but I couldn't help it - I think maybe I loved Him. And then, I go and drive him away. It's just like my father taught me - never trust anyone because they'll hurt you. Only, this time, the person I started to trust was myself and I'm the one who caused all my own pain. So I guess I deserve it.
But what will I do now without Him? I can't live without Him? I can't - I don't want to. I won't. I just won't. It's not worth trying again. I'll just give up and let it end this time. It's too hard anyways. Yes. If I don't fight it anymore it'll be much easier. I'll just let it end. . .
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Brian's POV
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"Brian, you just need to calm down, okay. I know the little shit pissed you off, but you can't go confront him like this. Just have another drink," Mikey thinks he's being helpful but he's really just pissing me off even more.
"Michael, listen to me. Are you listening?" I say, demanding his attention.
"Yes, Brian, I'm listening."
"I'm okay. I just need to go talk to Justin. And, don't fucking call him a little shit, you hear me? Now please, just back off," I tell him bluntly, then turn to look down at the far end of the bar where I know Emmett was standing with Justin.
But, I don't see either of them there anymore. What I do see is some kind of commotion - there's a knot of people standing around looking at something on the floor. And as I watch, two of the club security guards hustle over to the area - it looks like they're trying to move people away to clear a space. What the fuck? I have a bad feeling about this.
I rush over to the site and try to push my way through the crowd but it's fucking impossible. Then I see Ben stand up close to the center of the commotion. It looks like he'd been kneeling down on the floor but now he's standing and looking around, searching for something.
"Ben!" I shout loud enough to be heard over the music and the commotion.
Ben looks relieved as soon as he sees me. He uses his bulk and muscles to shove aside the nearest elements of the gaping crowd and he reaches for my hand to pull me through the rest of the throng. I practically have to crawl over a couple of the intervening bodies but I finally make it.
"It's Justin," Ben informs me right off. "Emmett said that he just collapsed. I think it might just be a panic attack, but with all this mess it's hard to tell. I'll help security to move all these people away, then you can get him out of here, Brian."
"Thanks, Ben," is all I have time to say as Ben strongarms his way through to the approaching security guys.
At my feet, Justin is huddled in a tiny ball, with Emmett hovering nervously over him. Fuck. What a fucking nightmare. I'm paralyzed for a moment by the sight - the thought of something happening to Justin is just too much to handle. But then, what Ben said finally penetrates my confusion.
I pull Emmett to his feet and demand an explanation - which is, of course, useless. Em has no more of an idea what is wrong than Ben had. So I simply shove him aside as well and kneel down and take Justin into my arms.
Justin's strangely quiet. I'd expected shaking, crying, something. But there's none of that. Justin is simply staring into space past my right shoulder. He isn't saying anything and there are no tears, just drying tracks where prior tears were never wiped away. His body is limp and unresisting. His skin is clammy and cool to the touch and it looks sort of blotchy. As I press him against my body more tightly I can feel that his pulse is racing a mile a minute. His breathing seems uneven and shallow.
I need to get him out of here - where the fuck are Ben and those security fucks? It feels like I've been sitting here holding Justin forever and I just need him to be okay. It's probably only been seconds, though. But I need to get him somewhere safe NOW.
Finally, I hear Ben's voice ordering people to move out of the way. Two other voices echo what Ben said and within minutes I can see an opening through the crowd. I immediately get to my feet, lifting Justin's unresisting body in my arms. Thankfully, Ben is in front of me leading the way while the two club guys follow me closely, keeping people back. Ben leads me to what appears to be an office and closes the door behind us once we're inside.
I lay Justin down on a couch against the far wall. Ben is standing behind me looking over my shoulder. After a couple of moments, Ben returns to the door, opens it and says something to the person standing outside, then he closes the door again and returns to me.
"I think he's in shock. We need to keep him warm and get some fluids in him," Ben says with authority. "The security guard is going to find us a blanket or something and some water. In the meantime, I suggest you try to keep him warm with just body heat, Brian."
I sit on the couch next to Justin and pull him into my arms again. He feels so cold. I try chafing my hands along his bare arms to generate some friction but it's not doing much. Ben is doing the same with Justin's legs. I'm not even wearing a jacket that I can use to wrap him up with. Fuck, what is taking that security fuck so long?
"Come on, Justin. Don't do this to me, Sunshine," I keep talking to him just like I do when he has those nightmares, even though I have no idea if it will help. "You're scaring the shit out of me, so please stop, okay? Come on, now. It's going to be alright. I shouldn't have yelled at you. Fuck I'm so sorry, Sunshine, but please don't do this to me. . ."
Ben answers the knock on the door and takes the blanket and bottles of water that the security guy gives him. He says something else to the guard quickly before he brings the stuff to me. We carefully wrap the blanket around Justin's still cool body and then Ben cracks open one of the waters and trickles some into Justin's mouth. I don't think he actually swallows it though.
When I look up again, I see that Ted, Em and Michael have joined us in the room. They're standing together on the far side of the room looking as scared and useless as I feel but saying nothing. The way they're hovering is fucking annoying - its like they're attending a goddamned wake or something - but I don't have any attention to spare for them so I just let them stand and stare.
"Now what, Ben?" I ask the only person here who seems to know what to do. "It's not working. What do I do now?"
"I don't know, Brian," he answers honestly. "Just get him warm and, if you can, get him to drink more liquids to help get his blood pressure up. If he doesn't start to come around soon, we'll have to take him to the hospital. They can push fluids better using an IV than we can. I think, though, from what I saw and from what you told me, Em, that this is just a panic attack. I can't be sure. Assuming it is, though, all we can do is wait."
So I wait. I hold Justin, keeping him warm, and I wait for my Sunshine to come back to me.